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The Chuck Norris Facts

The Chuck Norris Facts

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Published by Tony Hue
508 facts that you need to know about CHUCK NORRIS.

Visit my website at loneplacebo.com for more
508 facts that you need to know about CHUCK NORRIS.

Visit my website at loneplacebo.com for more

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Published by: Tony Hue on Feb 05, 2009
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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12/11/2012

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 __________ THE CHUCK NORRIS FACTS ©_________ 1. Chuck Norris made you read this!2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him andtake it.3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light,went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to lifeand a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, toremind the crew once more that the goodChuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.7. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his wayout of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased13,000 percent.9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for hisleft and right legs.10. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.11. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.12. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.13. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.14. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.15. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.16. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.17. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you,including the room itself.
 
18. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests ahand gun and a bucket.19. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.20. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.21. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibility of failure. Chuck  Norris goes killing.22. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.23. Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. it's a shame he never cries...never.24. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was astripper in it.25. Chuck Norris sweats Snapple.26. Chuck Norris runs with scissors and other people get hurt.27. Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.28. When Chuck Norris plays Tetris, the game runs out of pieces to give him.29. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, He decides what time it is.30. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.31. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: TexasRanger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.32. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.33. Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina because she didn't give exact change.34. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, roundhouse kicked everyone in the face who had a poped collar, drank two kegs, and shit on the living room carpet. Just because he's Chuck Norris.35. The Chinese had two ideas to keep the Mongols out. Sadly, Chuck Norris works for no manso they had to settle on the Great Wall.36. A blind guy stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe and Chuck Norris yelled at him. The sound of Chuck Norris' voice enabled him to see. Unfortunately the first and last thing he saw was a fatalroundhouse kick to his face.
 
 37. Chuck Norris used to be pro-life- then he started eating babies.38. Children wear Superman pajamas, but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas39. Chuck Norris doesn't need a key to unlock his door he just threatens it and it unlocks.40. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus woreit proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, usedtheir combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died oroundhouse kick related deaths.41. If you can see Chuck Norris he can see you. If you can't see him you may be seconds awayfrom death.42. One guy told Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks were not the most efficient way to kick  people. This was recorded as the biggest mistake in history.43. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In thatcase the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.44. Cars were invented as a way to run from Chuck Norris, and then Chuck Norris invented thecar accident.45. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.46. Chuck Norris and Fabio once got into a fight over the "I can't believe its not butter" product.Chuck decided that it was butter, but Fabio wouldn't listen. BIG MISTAKE. Chuck kicked Fabioin the forehead killing him instantly. Chuck then dragged Fabio around town by his hair becausehe is Chuck Norris.47. Chuck Norris masturbates to pictures of himself.48. In a recent survey of the U.S. 94% of females lost their virginity to Chuck Norris, the other 6% were either extremely fat or ugly.49. Ghosts are acutally the result of Chuck Norris killing people faster then death can processthem.50. Chuck Norris has VIAGRA eye drops just so he looks Hard.51. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story; Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtlewhole and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.52. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all worldrecords are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else

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