(originally posted on www.demockeracy.

com)

Yesterday morning, students at Goodwell Elementary School were treated to a first look
at the US Army’s newest recruiting strategy.

The aggressive new presentation, designed to raise dwindling enlistment numbers and
supply enough troops to occupy Iraq (and Iran) through to the end of 2020, was shown at
an assembly in the school’s gymnasium, where Sgt. Cuddles introduced the children to a
portrait of life in the army.

“How many of you like playing on the jungle gym?” asked the Sergeant. A chorus of
hands rose, to which he continued, “well what if you could do that all the time. Wouldn’t
that be great?”

Sgt. Cuddles went on to explain the fun and games of boot camp, or as he called it,
grown-up recess.

Students were then introduced to the US Army’s new mascot, a goofy but lovable bullet
named Friendly Fire, who helped Sgt. Cuddles demonstrate how bullets like Friendly Fire
are needed to kill the bad guys who hate everything, especially children.

“They hate fun, too!” Friendly added, before slipping on a banana peel.

Other highlights of the presentation included a visit from The Evil-Doers. Volunteers
from the audience were given foam bats to help defeat the gang, led by Osama Hussein
Ahmadinejad, before they could steal all the fun in the world.

Critics of the new recruitment strategy say it turns the horrors of war into a fun fantasy
designed to brainwash defenseless children into enlisting. Sgt. Cuddles, whose real name
is Sgt. Johnson, was quick to dismiss those accusations as gross exaggerations.

“This is simply the US Army’s response to anti-war forces in the liberal media and our
education system. They start preaching to these kids at a very young age, and we felt it
was only fair to the kids to show them the other side as well.”

“We’re trying to show kids what the Army is really like. It’s not all fancy lasers and cool
explosions... that’s only the ‘Explosions are Cool’ part of the presentation, which we
believe is an essential part of the Army experience.”