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Surfing the waves of pleasure takes skill. It’s an art. Much like flying a
kite. You’ve got to hit the wind just right before it takes flight. Once you
get it up and in the flow, it’s fairly easy to ride the wind. Then you want
to reel the kite in slowly to make sure it doesn’t just drop. Sexual plea-
sure is a lot like flying a kite. And if you learn how to help your lover ride
the waves of pleasure for extended periods of time, some pretty amazing
things start to happen.
anywhere from three to ten minutes (in one case I had a student
orgasm for a whole twenty minutes).
4. sets you up for sexual success. Just about every popular mag-
azine cover has some mind-blowing hair-pulling technique that
will drive your lover crazy. You go home and try it and it doesn’t
work. Not great for your sexual self-esteem! The Pleasure Wave
sets you up to feel successful because it isn’t technique based; it’s
sensation based.
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The Pleasure Wave
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Communicate in a way that allows you to get to the highest pleasure
For this step, I saw Scott by himself. He seemed more excited for our
lesson. The last session had given him confidence. I’d been thinking hard
all week about using simplicity within the SAAA formula. “What type of
sexual activities do you think of when you think about stillness?” I asked
Scott. “Stillness? What about sex is still?” He looked at me, puzzled again.
I explained that stillness is underestimated. Scott needed to under-
stand that stillness is incredibly important because it creates relaxation,
and even more important it creates safety. I gave him some examples.
“Remember last week when you cupped Jill’s vulva and just held your
hand there. She loved that. She took a deep breath. That’s a great way to
do Stillness. Does that make sense?” Scott nodded, still looking a little
unsure. We started to list all the things that he could do that involved no
movement at all.
Once we had a good list of possible stillness techniques, we went to
the next component of the formula: Body Arousal (A1 of the SAAA). The
idea with this part is to arouse your partner from the outside in. This
means touching, kissing, or licking the erogenous areas of the body in
a certain sequence, which eventually leads to the genitals. We quickly
made a list of simple things Scott could do on Jill’s body.
Now Scott and I needed to make a list of things that would get Jill
into a higher arousal state. External Arousal (A2) meant using techniques
that focused on getting Jill into a more pleasured state without penetra-
tion. And finally we needed a list of High Arousal (A3) techniques that
included both internal and external stimulation. We made the lists for
each category on big poster-size Post-its. It looked a bit like this.
I had Scott take these lists home so that he could practice on Jill. I in-
structed him to do them in this order: Stillness, Body Arousal, Stillness, Ex-
ternal Arousal, Body Arousal, External Arousal, High Arousal, Stillness. This
is a Pleasure Wave. The order I instructed Scott to use works for most cou-
ples, but ultimately you want to create the best waves that work for you.
I want you to forget all about the word “techniques.” I simply want you
to do things you can do with your fingers and then ask yourself the ques-
tions in Step One of the Pleasure Wave. “What would happen if I went
faster? Slower? In Circles? Deeper? Lighter? Higher? Lower? Etc.” Then
check in with your partner, notice how his or her body responds, and ask
what feels best. That’s all. No techniques to remember. Just look at your
charts for inspiration. When I explained all this to Scott, he started to look
relieved. I think he liked the idea that he didn’t have to remember any
techniques. I had hundreds, but he could create his own. You can too.
Troubleshooting
As you start practicing the Pleasure Wave, you may discover that new
challenges arise. This is completely normal and okay. Remember, you can
wiggle your finger and that is a success. These are simple things and if
you can recognize them and know that they will dissolve easily, in time
you’ll be well on your way to the gold at the end of the rainbow.
Too Turned On
I often see men lose focus when I’m teaching. They start getting aroused
and suddenly it’s as if they lose their attention and presence. They lose
the sweet spot they found, they lose the pressure that was just right, they
lose the speed we like best. Scott faced this problem, and he needed to
his arousal, but to use his arousal to stay focused and build her arousal.
If you find yourself too turned on by your partner getting higher and
higher and you lose your focus, the best thing to do is to get present.
Be in the moment. Be unshakable. If you need to, drop into Stillness to
regroup and regain focus. From there you can build the wave again.
because I was always so worried about it not being hard.” I had told Scott
before the session that we would purposely be using techniques to allow
his arousal to drop and he would lose his erection. It’s important that
men have permission to not be hard all the time. Arousal ebbs and flows,
whether you are male or female or identify somewhere in between.
For many couples, this practice is the first time that they give each
other any feedback on what feels good. Scott thought that Jill was great
at blow jobs before this, but after learning the Pleasure Wave formula,
he could see that there is room for his guidance. He could get even more
pleasure! I am here to tell you, as I told Scott—there is always more. As
our session came to a close, I could see the light in his eyes; something
in him was turned on, and he was starting to really understand the art of
pleasure. Jill was having a great time and finally getting the pleasure she
didn’t know how to ask for.
I told Scott and Jill to take a few months to practice and come see me
after they had a chance to deepen their skills and mine their own plea-
sure. They came together to their final session with me, holding hands
and smiling. “We don’t always use the Pleasure Wave,” they told me.
“Sometimes we just have a good romp, a quickie. But even our quickies
are better because we’ve developed the ability to use the communica-
tion skills to get the pleasure we both want. We can even do a version
of the Pleasure Wave that’s a quickie, one technique for each step of the
wave!”
again with this new piece of music.” Her eyes were still closed; I could
see her finding her way. She started to sensuously move her hand over
the head of the dildo while she used her tongue to flick over the shaft.
She was getting creative. We did a few more songs before I asked her to
take a breath and open her eyes.
“How was that for you?” I inquired.
“Surprising.” She looked sleepy, even in an altered state.
“What was surprising for you? Take your time.” I didn’t want her to
force herself out of a wonderful state if she wasn’t ready.
“It was like a meditation for me, and I really, really enjoyed it. I feel
like I let go for the first time and just felt the penis in my hands and my
mouth as opposed to doing some mechanical technique.” I could see that
Carrie was having a turning point.
This might work for you too. Create a music mix that follows the Plea-
sure Wave. Let the music guide you; feel it and you’ll be doing the wave
automatically without having to follow a chart or remember a bunch of
techniques.
About six months later I got a letter from Carrie. She wrote, “I will
never have bad sex again. What I learned from you changed my life. I
now have a boyfriend who sings my praises. Music is the best sex toy I
could buy. Thank you.”
A Simple Kiss
For this exercise, start with some music. A few recommendations include:
• “Kissing You (Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet)” by Des’ree
• “Disappearing into You” from the album Music to Disappear in 1 by
Raphael
• “Keep the Streets Empty for Me” by Fever Ray