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Does This Count as Cheating

Does This Count as Cheating

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Published by infidelityinfo
For more free tips, insights and advice on how to survive infidelity, visit http://infidelityinfo.com.
For more free tips, insights and advice on how to survive infidelity, visit http://infidelityinfo.com.

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Published by: infidelityinfo on Jan 05, 2013
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial


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Does This Count as Cheating?
What if your wife befriended someone unknown to you on Facebook? What about your 
husband‟s phone always being locked? Is there a problem if your spouse goes
out for lunches with a co-worker? Or in general, is a little flirting is okay? Can the use of pornharm a relationship? Where do you draw the line between harmless fun and damage totrust?Cheating on someone is defined by the one betrayed. It can take different forms andresult in anywhere between hurt and disaster. For some it may be an internet excursion,
coffee, or a kiss. For others, it is defined by sex. In the case of “harmless fun,” maybeit‟s not so much what is said or done, but how you feel after 
ward that sets the stage for wanting more. It is an emotional connection that lays the groundwork for a physicalconnection. For most, infidelity is both a reflection of character and breakdown in your relationship.
Definitions of “cheating” differ from re
lationship to relationship. For most, secrecy isparamount to the definition, along with engaging in an activity that is robbed from therelationship. Maybe you are opening up to someone at work, or at the gym, but findingyourself rushed for time when it comes to sitting down with your partner.If such an interaction with another is hidden, or not mentioned to your partner, it givesyou the chance to hide the relationship if something questionable develops in the future.Other hidden communications include passwords, site destinations, or even innocentconversations that are not mentioned. There may be a reason it is not mentioned.How does it feel when interacting? Is there a feeling of excitement or anticipation? Doyou do anything differen
t for this person that you don‟t do for others, including your 
partner? Does it reflect something that is missing in your relationship? Sometimes relationships begin to break down before we realize it. Not being there for your partner can be subtle or obvious, but starts in small ways. Marital researchers suchas John Gottman, CarylRusbult and Shirley Glass have described steps towardinfidelity.
  A loss of connection starts with less verbal attunements
responses to your partner that lead to your partner 
feeling cared about or understood. “Attuning” to your partner 
can be about trivial topics or your core feelings about the relationship.If an increasing loss of connection is added to inevitable conflict, eventually partnersmay start withdrawing and withholding true thoughts and feelings to avoid a fight.
Meanwhile, a negative view of one‟s partner solidifies, and one stops looking to the
partner to get needs met.If you start sharing these thoughts and feelings with someone else and that someoneelse is more responsive than your partner, a negative contrast develops. Sometimes
that “someone else” doesn‟t exist yet, except in your partner‟s mind.
 Resentment builds and over time leads to loneliness, low desire, and loss of romance,fun, and adventure. Boundaries are crossed when alternative relationships are not
dismissed, thus becoming options. Secrets flourish and „someone else” becomes
tantalizing.Surprisingly, two-thirds of couples want to stay together after an affair. If there was sucha breakdown and betrayal, the task of putting the relationship back together againseems daunting. Understanding the impact of cheating takes time. Some are not willingto give it time because it feels horrible. How do you fully express remorse withoutexcessive self-condemnation or recrimination?It also can be difficult to admit ambivalence about moving forward. Moving forward
needs proven structure and planning to address what‟s missing in your relationship and
to rebuild trust. Sustaining change over time is the next challenge.Essentially lines are crossed when energy is missing from the marriage but found inother relationships, work, hobbies, preoccupations and addictions. On one end of theproblem could be the joke or story that repeatedly told to co-workers that gets old by thetime you tell your spouse.
 Or you may be opening up about work or home problems with someone whounderstands but the same issue is argued about instead of discussed at home. Flirtationwith others may be perceived as harmless but does not happen anymore in your relationship.Finding time for a date night may become challenging but going out to lunch with
colleagues is easy. A boy‟s or girl‟s night out can become more fun than alone time with
your partner. Fun and adventure are found elsewhere.Work and hobbies can become time-consuming and the relationship can get pushed
down the priority list. You have heard of someone who is “married to their work,” or “football widows.”
You have also heard of alcohol or drug dependence robbing both theperson and relationship of life.Relationships are subject to the law of entropy and require a constant influx of energy tocounteract its decline. It is a priority based on promises and trust and is measured bythe amount of time put into the relationship. To protect the relationship couples regularlyconnect with each other through words and actions. They overlook irritations butaddress resentments, rather than withdrawing from resolving conflict.To resolve conflict they make requests while caring about
the other‟s needs, allow
disagreements rather than criticizing, and generate options instead of insisting on oneway of doing things. To build the relationship, they take time to regularly review thepositive qualities of the other, guard the time it takes to have fun with the other, and
seek “adventures.” They support each other‟s dreams.
  All infidelity starts in the mind before it goes to the heart. This can happen impulsivelyas in a one-night love affair, but often there is something missing from your relationshipthat allows this to happen. The more time spent thinking about alternatives to your relationship plants seeds of discontent. An alternative can be another relationship or any time-consuming activity. If there issomething missing from your relationship, and this need is met elsewhere, this hiddenoutlet can take root and supplant your relationship.

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