A CATALOG OF TODAY’S MODERN FREAKS:WHY KIWIS STARTED JUMPING OFF BUILDINGS IN THE FIRST PLACEKate and I dropped our bags at our hostel—-a place thatlooked alarmingly similar to a swept-out crack house—-wrung outour clothes and set out on the town, initially determined tofind some authentic Kiwi cuisine. Naturally, we had no ideawhat this might consist of—-our hosteler had mentioned somethingabout a blowtorch and a possum, but I thought he was joking (itturns out the dish is quite popular)—-and so we walked down themain street of Auckland in search of food and with no realdestination in mind.As we marched down Queen Street we passed underneath theornate metal awnings that are so prominent in New Zealand andAustralia and took our first gander at Auckland. It was a largecity, and we were in the heart of it surrounded by large andgrey concrete skyscrapers stretching out in every direction.Off to our right was a green hill called Arthur’s Park where theUniversity of Auckland sits, and in every other directionsprawled the Central Business District of the city. Apart fromArthur’s Park (it’s actually not on a hill but an extinctvolcano), Auckland looked as most cities do when it is cold andraining: rather uninviting. The buildings looked like business,

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the weather discouraged exploration, and Auckland is largeenough that it’s tough to wander more than its city centerwithout some form of transportation. Right now we only had ourtwo feet. The natural cure to this was a bar or pub where wehoped to find some local company, if not a beer or two. Nevermind that it was seven in the morning, blame jetlag if you’dlike, but a warm meal and a good drink sounded like the trick.Unfortunately, Auckland and I were working off of separateclocks, and our options for food extended no further thanMcDonalds, Burger King, Subway, a Dunkin’ Donuts, numerous kebabshops, and a series of threatening looking Korean places.Kebabs, it seemed, were about as ethnic as Auckland seemed toget, and bars didn’t open for some time.So, it seemed, kebabs were it.Fortunately, this bade well for my affinity toward any foodthat is easily eaten by hand, filled with slices of meat, and aleading cause of heart disease. But even I have limits. In theblock where our hostel was located there were four separatekebab shops which most people (including myself) would consideroverkill. The reason for this is traced back to New Zealand’sage old stereotype of being a land of sheep, not men. And, withsheep outnumbering humans ten to one (that’s 40 million sheep),it’s no wonder that farmers are trying to offload their lambmeat in any way they can, kebabs included.

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As we ate we pulled out the few pieces of information wecould gather on Auckland and decided what to see. Each websiteand tour book we sorted through mentioned the following at leastonce: that Auckland is known as the City of Sails (Aucklandersown more boats per capita than anyone in the world), thatAuckland has the highest concentration of Polynesians in theworld (also true), that Auckland has a nice bridge, two harbors,lots of volcanoes, and one bonafied Sky Tower, a fact that wasmentioned more than anything else in our pamphlets.Don’t worry, either. If you come to Auckland, you won’thave much of a choice to see the bridge, harbors, volcanoes, orSky Tower. You’ll undoubtedly cross the bridge, the city restson harbors, and volcanoes are generally pretty tough to miss.As for the Sky Tower, well, it’s about as easy to miss as, say,a bullet in the chest. Auckland’s Sky Tower punctures the cityskyline like a giant, unsightly dart. Certainly it is thecity’s pride and joy, much like the Epcot Center is to Orlandoor, more appropriately, the Space Needle is to Seattle. That isto say that most Aucklanders probably think it’s ugly as sin,but tourists just eat it right up.What puzzles me is the absolute popularity of Sky Towers.

Calgary has one. Moscow has one (quite a big one at that).

Sky Towers are so popular, in fact, that an organization existsin support of the structures so that Sky Tower aficionados can

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