The Goode Farm Harry J.

Chong
The Middle In the province of Manitoba, Canada -- on the outskirts of its largest city Winnipeg -- a little known farming town by the name of Red Wood laid quietly in the blistering winds. During the summer it was full of life, but now in the dead of winter in September there wasn't a single person walking around. The decades old tractors sat in the fields, while the animals were housed inside barns. Today Adelphius Goode, the owner of the prosperous "Goode farm," sat about in his wood-clad house, chewing tobacco by the fire just to keep warm. His Russel Terrier, Roofus, sat by his side on a blanket, while his father, known as Big Pa, smoked on a pipe. They hadn't much to do, as the high tech farming equipment they had bought from General Electric, had done most of their heavy lifting. All the animals were now kept neatly tucked away in separate housing, and held tightly packed for maximum profit in temperate conditions to keep them fat and juicy before slaughter. There were turkeys, ducks, chickens, fish and cows, but mostly pigs. Adelphius Goode's farm was mostly considered a pig farm. Sure smelled like it too. One always had to take care not to track pig shit into the house, because even with a good amount of scrubbings the stench would stay for weeks. But why is that? Because pigs aren't fed pig food per. They are fed expired left overs, and things that humans would never normally consume. Farmers buy scraps not fit for people from food manufacturers, and restaurants, and then it's all mixed up and given to our pink pals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Some of them die and get diseased from what they eat, which does not exclude spoilt pork sausages, but most of them do in fact survive before being butchered for their meat. The pig, you should know, is a very interesting animal. It is the smartest of farm animals, even smarter than dogs, yet is an animal only valued upon its death. Nearly every other farm animal has a use while it is alive. Dogs can protect your house, cats can catch mice, horses can pull machinery and give people rides, sheep have wool, cows and goat give milk, and chickens and ducks can give eggs. Even fish are a joky to watch and feed. But no, not the pig. It is only used for its body parts when it is dead. Truffle hunting you say? Not anymore. French truffle hunters no longer use pigs, because of their appetite they will eat the truffles in an undisciplined manner, and cost thousands of dollars worth of damage. Dogs these days are used instead. "Well now," said Big Pa. "I ain't so used to this idling about. What do you do with all this time?" "As it were," said Adelphius, who had a strong Canadian accent, "I take my time to think about things." "Thinking?" said Big Pa. "Back in my time I never did that. There weren't no time. You got up at 5:00 AM and went to bed at 9:00 PM. None of this 8:00 AM nonsense and then getting all done up by two." "You got something about technology?" said Adelphius. "None at all," said Big Pa. "Just noting it that you got it real good. The whole place runs itself. Heck. Did you even have to get up at all? All you did was watch them animals be fed, and you made sure the equipment was doing its job." "Supervising is a job as any other. It's still work." "You got any aches in your body?" "Then that ain't work. Work causes you aches. It makes you sweat and bleed regret your life choices." "It's not my fault them scientists came up with these here ideas. Am just using it, so that I don't have an early retirement. In the grave, if you're know what I mean."

"How's the wife doing with all this? She got machines to clean the house?" "Yeah. We got this Roomba thing. Cleans the floors. All you gots to do is empty it." "Boy, boy, boy, howdy, I wonder what they'll come up with next. Instant transportation you think?" "Impossible. I been reading them daily science articles on the interwebs. There ain't nothing about that. Plus, would you use it if you could?" "Heck. If you asked me about using the things we got today when I was a young buck, I'd say no. But here I am, surfing the interwebs for pornographic images." "Pa! Don't let the kids hear you say that. Your name will go from 'Big Pa' to 'Dirty Pa.' You don't want to be Dirty Pa, do yah?" "It ain't much. I ain't lookin' at nekkid ladies. Am just lookin' at ladies in lingeries and stuff. You know, nothing worse than what you'd see on a calendar." "And what about the other things? You never peeped?" "I did, but shut it down immediately. I tell you, a woman is only made to accommodate one man at a time. And I don't know that I call those other stuff porno. Evil is more like it. They are evil whores. The men included, I ain't just down on the ladies. I respect ladies. Like the Virgin Mary." Adelphius stroked Roofus on his head. "You know what else is good about these machines?" he said. "Wha's that?" said Big Pa. "We gots more time to get to know each other," said Adelphius. "Pa, I hardly knew ye. Tell me something new about yourself." "You heard everything," said Big Pa. "Was just a regular kid, and then I got married to your dear ma at 25. She was 18?" "Surely, there must be something that might gimme a surprise." "Nothing, nope." "I know. You weren't a virgin when you and ma married." "Hup! Don't dare say that. We were both pure, god fearing creatures. We ain't never been with nobody else, and that's the way it should be today. Unfortunately, kids these days ain't so patient. They's always expecting everything in an instant. Lookit you. You go bonkers when your webpage don't load in under 5 seconds." "I have expectations is all." "Wait! I just remembered." "What?" "One time I killed a man." "WHAT?!" Just as Adelphius spit out his chewing tobacco, on accident, his wife Sarah Goode came into the living room. She stopped in front of the roaring fire, holding a tray of mini sandwiches, cut into triangles. They had ham between pieces of melted cheese. "Hello," said Sarah. Sarah was very attractive, only at 36 years old, only 4 years younger than her husband. She was slim, and had long, slightly frizzy, blonde hair, with light blue eyes. In comparison, Adelphius was muscular, had short brown hair, and dark almost opaque eyes. "What's the matter?" she said. "Y'all look disturbed. Am I blocking your view?" "None at all," said Big Pa. He stroked his big beard. "We were just talking sports," said Adelphius. "What sport?" said Sarah. "I know I don't understand it... Am more of an artsy person, but am real interested. I caught boxing on the TV last night. It was quite enthralling." "Yes, boxing," said Adelphius. "How did you know?" "What about it?" said Sarah. She gave some mini sandwiches to Big Pa, who took out his cigar

to them. "Boxing, erm, yes," said Adelphius. "We were wondering. Who would win in a fight, Muhammad Ali or Manny Pacquiao. What do you think, my good dear?" "Manny Pacquiao," said Sarah. "Don't know who he is, but Muhammad Ali's got that Parkinson's Disease, I believe. Or is he dead now?" "He is not dead," said Adelphius, "I believe. And also I meant at their peaks. Not as they are now. Heck. I could beat Muhammad Ali as he is now... Just kidding. Probably not. That fella's made of steel." "Anyway," said Sarah, "finish up these sandwiches," she placed some sandwiches by her husband Adelphius, "and don't ferget to pick up Emily from school. You almost forget last time and she nearly got frost bitten." "I was only ten minutes late," said Adelphius. "And it weren't 'cause I was being irresponsible or nothing. A coon ran 'cross the road, and it got hit. The stupid thing had to be taken off the wheel with the shovel in my trunk." "Regardless," said Sarah, "you ought to go early. Ten minutes is frost bite in Manitoba. Remember, we're in a place that Canadians consider to be cold." "And if little Emily ain't catching frost bite," said Big Pa, "she's getting a cold." "Colds don't cause colds," said Sarah. "Wha's that?" said Big Pa. "That's purely a misconception made up by the wool industry," said Sarah. "Cold doesn't not make you get cold viruses. Cold just makes you susceptible to getting a cold, but itself has no effect really." "Po-tayto, po-tawto," said Big Pa. "To-mayto, to-mawto." "Irregardless, " said Sarah, "I need you two to hustle. Soon as y'all finish your yum-yums I want you to get going. I'll be preparing dinner." "And what are are we having?" said Adelphius. "I haven't decided," said Sarah. "Something special." "Special, what's the occasion?" said Big Pa. "Do any of y'all pay attention? said Sarah. "Our boy's coming home today from university." "Ho-ho!" said Big Pa. "I ought to show him the fine art of cigars then." "No cigars," said Sarah, "and now chewing tobacco. He's an intellectual. I don't want the first doctor in our family getting cancer." "So our cancer is of no concern to you?" said Adelphius. "It is," said Sarah, "but y'all is too stubborn to quit." "It's true," said Big Pa. "But it is better to live short and happy than long and miserable." "But don't you remember what happened to my grampy?" said Sarah. "He got cancer and almost lost all use of his body. He was stuck up in bed all day, and had to be watched 24 hours a day on account of his asthma attacks. We had to put him on the toilet and wipe his bottom. It was worse than taking care of a baby. He suffered for 3 months straight, and then died in agony. Oh and he had soiled himself before his last moments too." Sarah's eyes began watering. "Now, now," said Adelphius. "Don't be sad now. Our boy's coming home. It's time to celebrate. What will we be eating again?" "Mm, I don't know," said Sarah. "It's gotta be special." Big Pa licked his lips. "I's never had a turducken before. Heard it's mighty good." "What's that?" said Sarah. "Stands for turkey, duck, and chicken," said Big Pa. "It's a chicken inside of a duck inside of a turkey." "How decadent," said Sarah. "I'll slaughter them right away."

"Wait, we don't got no turkeys," said Adelphius. "Yes, we do," said Sarah. "We do?" said Adelphius. "You mean in the freezer?" "No, we're raising 'em," said Sarah. "Well, how's it that I didn't know about that?" said Adelphius. "I manage 45% of this farm," said Sarah. "You aren't the only one. Women can do things too." "I know that, but I'll be darned," said Adelphius. "I guess I must've missed it." "You did," said Sarah. "I had to receive the poults (young turkeys) while you were looking at the aquariums." "Sometimes it gets hypnotic," said Adelphius. "They just swim around and around like they's thinking about leaving.." "Don't worry, they're just stupid," said Big Pa. "Fish have three second memories." "Actually," said Sarah, "that's been confuted. Fish are smarter than that. Not smart, but smarter than we think." "Animals are dumb," said Big Pa. "Don't let 'em fool you. Even your dog here is dumb. I saw it chasing its own tail the other day. Now who does that?" Roofus, the Russel Terrier, yawned as if he didn't care. And he didn't. He was a dog. "Well now," said Adelphius, "I think we better get going. We got a lot of driving to do today." "Emily and then Joseph?" said Big Pa. "Yuppers," said Adelphius. "We'll be picking him up at the airport. Ain't no cabs to take him home." "Alright then," said Big Pa. And Adelphius and Big Pa rised from their green arm chairs. After Adelphius kissed Sarah on her cheek, he and his father left for the front of the house, where the coat rack held their jackets. They each put on a parka, and then bundled up more with scarves, gloves, and wooly, rubberized boots made for walking in the snow. "Don't dawdle," said Sarah. "You gots to come home, and get to the airport before dark." "Heh," said Big Pa. "What do you take us fer? We It's 3:00 PM. We ain't gonna be ought for three hours." "Last time your son stopped off at Tim Hortons and stuffed himself with donuts until it was 9:00 PM" said Sarah. "I half thought he done gone cheating on me. Luckily I could smell the sugar on his lips." "You're the most beautiful woman I ever seen," Adelphius said through his scarf. "I would never try to cheat on you." "And if you saw one more beautiful," said Sarah, "you might try then? Ha." "No, I'm not Rupert Holmes," said Adelphius. "Who?" said Sarah. "If you like Pia Coladas," said Adelphius. "You know I don't drink," said Sarah. "I mean the song," said Adelphius. "That's how it starts. Rupert Holmes wrote a song called 'The Pia Colada Song.' It starts like that." "And that's about cheating?" said Sarah. "Yeah," said Adelphius. "He reads a classifieds ad looking for love, and then he responds to it, and the two meet at a bar called O'Malley's, but lo and behold it's his wife who he meets. They both laugh when they find out they were trying to cheat on each other." "That's awful," said Sarah. "Anyway, we best get going," said Adelphius. "Make sure Roofus don't chew up my slippers again. He thinks they're Beggin' Strips." "It's all that pork you're eating," said Sarah. "You're sweating its smell."

"Still," said Adelphius, "please try, my good dear." "Will do," said Sarah. "Shall I kick him if he tries?" "What, what?!" said Adelphius. "I'm only joking," said Sarah. "Get going now." Big Pa turned the doorknob, readying to leave. The door swung on its hinges and slammed into the wall on account of the winter winds. He and Adelphius left for the Canadian outdoors, where snow is as common as rain in England. Getting to Emily The roads of Manitoba were icy and cracked. There were potholes too. Which were only fixed, if the community of Red Wood demanded it of the mayor, who would then bark up the funds and have it worked on to get reelected. However, despite the fuss that needed to be kicked up, this was not indicative that the community economically was not doing well. It's just that government workers are extraordinarily lazy, and after all, who wants to speed to a town that smells like manure and animal blood? Adelphius drove carefully as possible. Meanwhile, Big Pa, who was his passenger, was putting his hands over the vents that generously blew heat into the pickup truck's cabin. "You don't seem to like the cold, Pa," said Adelphius. "It's true," said Big Pa. "Then why'd you move to Canada?" said Adelphius. "Surely, you could have went to America?" "America?" said Big Pa. "And get sent off to war? Huh, no way. I'm a peace lover." "Thought you use to be a wrestler," said Adelphius. "Used to. And nobody died when I pinned 'em to the ground." "Speaking of the ground, what's that you said about killing a man? That weren't a joke were it?" "I wish it was a joke... Let's not speak of it." "But you --" "I WON'T HAVE IT! TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!" "Who's Tim?" "Tim was the person I ate." "Are you serious?" "One-hundey-ten percent serious. You think I'd lie to you about something like this?" "Shit. What happened, pa?" "I was flying over Europe and our plane crashed on a mountain. We had water, which was the snow, but not enough food. So, we all made a plot to kill and eat the pilot. We reasoned he deserved to die because he was the incompetent fool who got us into that mess in the first place." "Deer God." "But I chickened out last minute and decided I couldn't take another person's life, so they turned their plans around and tried to kill me instead. An overweight teenager named Tim, who suggested the idea, tried stabbing me. I defended myself by getting him into a stranglehold and squeezed him until he passed out." "And he died?" "Nope. I kept it under ten seconds. Over ten seconds there's a chance you can kill someone." "Oh." "Anyway, when he was passed out the other passengers decided to eat him. They stabbed him in the heart while he was unconscious and then feasted on his body. Like, like, like he was an animal. Like they were animals. A pack of dogs." "Wait. You never killed him, did you?" "I helped. Making him pass out made him vulnerable, and I killed him that way. Not directly,

but I contributed. It's been eating me up since." "Speaking of eating, you didn't eat him did you?" Big Pa's eyes went frozen. "Pa," said Adelphius. "Did you eat Tim? Pa?" "I only had a little piece," said Big Pa. "I was trying to survive." "Good Lord," said Adelphius. "Don't you say the Lord's name in vain," said Big Pa. "Sorry. I just think... How did it taste?" "I'm going to hell for this...but pretty good actually." "Was it like pig, like the often say?" "Well, it has a texture similar to pig, but the flavor is magnificently different. It's like every flavor of meat, perfectly combined into one. Imagine the freshest beef, chicken, fish, and pork, all the best parts of it, combined into one. That's how it tastes. It tastes as all the food that's passed through that person you're eating. It's just MWAH!" Big Pa kissed the tips of his fingers like a chef would. "I'm taking it you would eat it again?" said Adelphius. "No!" said Big Pa. "I'd rather be eaten myself." "So, why didn't you tell me this before?" "Your mother would have been horrified." "I suppose she would be." "I'm surprised I'm not in prison." "Oh, pa. You have to forgive yourself. That was... How many year ago?" "40 years ago and I don't forgive myself." "You have to forgive yourself. You can't keep hanging onto this. He attacked you, and you defend yourself, and you did what you had to do to survive." "I did what I had to do to survive, yes, but at what cost? And, and, and it's not up to me to forgive myself. When you do something bad, son, you can't forgive yourself. That's rightfully not your choice. The only person that can grant you forgiveness is the person that you hurt. Or the people that you hurt. Their loved ones, if that be the case." "Hmmmm." "'Hmmmm' what? You don't agree with me?" "I don't know." "Supposing that someone broke into our home and shot me dead for nothing. You think the criminal deserves to forgive himself, and live guilt free?" "I guess not." Adelphius applied the brakes on an intersection as there were sheep crossing the road. "C'mon, c'mon," said Adelphius. The sheep went "bah" taking their sweet time. "Is it just me or you getting sleepy too?" said Big Pa. "Very funny," said Adelphius. "But you know what's not funny? Cannibalism." "Hey," said Big Pa. "You have to keep this a secret." "Surely it must've been in the papers already." "It hit stands in Europe, but not here. It was small potatoes here. No one caught it." "And ma never wondered what you were doing, missing?" "We were separated." "What!? You were? I thought you, you two had the perfect marriage." "Midlife crisis. Don't worry. I never done nothing. I just wanted to go traveling around." "Wait. But 40 years ago. I wasn't born. That means you were in your twenties." "Sorry. I meant quarter life crisis.'

"Quarter life crisis?" "Yeah. I weren't sure that I wanted to be married and owning a farm. So I toddled off. Surviving that plane crash made me want to have you. You know that? I fell for the idea of having sex with your mother and making a baby... Making life." "Ew." "What part? Making a baby? Or sex? You don't like imagining me and your mom having sex? That's what we did. Sex. That's how you got here. Thank the Lord we did the sex or you wouldn't exist." "Never mind, never mind... C'mon, you sheep! Hurry up! Why are they so slow?" "Give it time. We left early. We aren't running late. We'll pick up Emily in no time." "I don't care about Emily right now. I'm trying to avoid an awkward conversation with my father." "About sex? With your mother?" "Please. Do not say that word again." "Sex?" "Darned sheep! Move your asses!" "Relax, relax. Am only teasin'. I won't be mentioning that word: the word-that-I-shall-not-say." "Thank you." "Sex. Me and your mom." "Lord save me." "Ha-ha-ha!" Eventually the sheep got to the other side. Adelphius stepped on the gas pedal of his pickup truck, and went ahead ASAP. After a couple turns he got to Saint Anne, his daughter Emily's Elementary school. He pulled to the curbside behind the yellow bus. "Finally," Adelphius grumbled. He tapped his steering wheel. "Don't mind if I turn on the radio, do you?" said Big Pa. "Go ahead," said Adelphius. Big Pa reached out his arm, and pressed some buttons on the dash to turn on the radio. He turned the dial, searching for the desired station. There was a lot of fuzz going through, adjusting the needle, but he settled on the 24 hour news radio channel. "News again?" said Adelphius. "What about some music? Cheer yourself up." "You wouldn't like my music," said Big Pa. "If I could find the station. Oldies aren't too popular these days, are they?" "That's not true," said Adelphius. "They got oldies. But, um, they're just not enough for you, I guess." "See," said Big Pa. "That's why radio's failing. They don't play things for us older folk. I mean who else listens to the radio but older folk?" "Lots of people, young and old listen to the radio. Not just old people." "But that's just on their alarms to wake up in the morning. That's no more than a few minutes." "Still counts, pa. And I'm pretty sure that's the best type of adverts you can have. They get into your subconscious mind, because you're half asleep." "You shouldn't be half asleep once your alarm goes off. If that's the case then they should probably bring back the rooster. That's far more effective than any gizmo I've seen." "Am in doubt about that making a come back." "You don't think people would want a rooster?" "Most people ain't farmers, pa. Where'd they keep it." "Clear out a cupboard." "Hmmm, I don't think the rooster would like that." "We got chickens in spaces smaller than a cupboard, don't we?"

"But they're for eating. Plus, nobody wants to... Why are we talking about this?" "I don't know." "Hold on, pa. I think I see Emily." Looking out the window, Adelphius spotted Emily behind the front door of her school, which had a large pane of glass. He stepped outside and went to retrieve her. Emily -- a spirited, precocious eight year old, with short blonde hair and blue eyes like her mother -- smiled. "Hullooo, daddy," she said. "Is that Big Pa in there?" "Yes, it is," said Adelphius, shivering from the weather while Emily didn't seem to mind. "When's he moving out?" said Emily. "Moving out? Why'd you say that?" said Adelphius. "At school," said Emily. "I overheard some older kids, and they said that when you get older, you get put in a special home for old people. Not that I wants Big Pa in there, but that's what I thought." "Oh, no. Big Pa ain't going into no old people home. Only old people with rotten children get sent to places like that." "That sounds awful. Let's never send Big Pa away, unless he gets turned into a zombie." "A what?" "Zombie. You know, the living dead. That sort of thing." "I think you've been watching too many movies." "No, no movies. I hardly watch movies and TV. I read about it in a book." "Hm, well, if it's in a big there's gotta be some truth to it." "Oh, don't worry. There aren't any zombies around here to infect him. Am sure of that." "Okay, okay. Let's get inside the truck now." "Why?" "Am cold as a goose without its feathers is what." "That's mighty cold." "C'mon, little one. Let's not dawdle." Adelphius took his eight year old daughter, Emily, by the hand and seated her on the inside the cabin of his pickup truck. She sat in the middle, so that she was surrounded on either side. Big Pa put on her seat belt for her. "Why do we have to put on a seat belt?" said Emily. "It's most uncomfortable." "It's for your own good," said Big Pa. "It keeps you safe." "How?" said Emily. "Well, um," said Big Pa, "if this vehicle crashes you won't go flying through the windshield window and go splat." "Dad," said Adelphius. "She's a big girl now, heh," aid Big Pa, "she can handle it." "That's quite gruesome," aid Emily as the pickup truck started. Adelphius left the school and was back on the road again, this time, of course, headed for home. "Well now," said Adelphius, "what have you been studying in school?" "I learned a joke," said Emily. "What sorta joke?" said Big Pa. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" said Emily. "To get to the other side," said Adelphius. "How did you know?" said Emily. "It's an old joke," said Adelphius. "What's it mean?" said Emily. "I laughed, but only on account of the other kids laughing, who I think laughed on account of Mrs. Worsley laughing." "The joke mean the chicken's gone up to chicken heaven," said Big Pa.

"Chicken heaven?" said Emily. "Not regular heaven?" "Yessir," said Big Pa, "chicken heaven. They got their own heaven. Everyone has their own heaven." "Why's that?" said Emily. "Would you want hang out with someone who put your ma on a dinner plate?" said Big Pa. "Sure as heck wouldn't," said Emily. "Exactly," said Big Pa. "Heaven's made by the people who are around yah." "I must be in heaven then," said Emily. "Not quite yet," said Adelphius. "What do you suppose they have in heaven?" said Emily. "I imagine it's like earth," said Adelphius, "but the weather's perfect, and you can't get physically hurt, and there's no disease, or illness, and y'always stay young, and handsome. Everyone's rich too and things don't be running out on yah. Plenty of abundance." "Abundance?" said Emily. "What's that mean?" "Quantity," said Adelphius. Emily tried repeating the word. "Kwon-tuh-teeee." "That's it," said Adelphius. "Hm, how interesting," said Big Pa. "Thank you," said Emily. "I ain't never been called interesting before." "Sorry, little one," said Big Pa. "I meant what's on the radio. But, yes, you are quite interesting. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." Big Pa turned up the volume on the radio, which had been set on the 24 hour news radio channel. Now no longer just background noise, everyone was having a listen, even Emily who was far more keen on music than adults doing their "talky-talk." "Most interesting," said Big Pa, listening carefully. "Most, most interesting. Most, most, most, most interesting." "What's this?" said Adelphius. "All am hearing is some gibberish and jargon." "Ain't gibberish," said Big Pa. "They's discussing a new scientific break through. This might very well change the world as we know it. Hope they don't blow it." "Knowin' people, they's always blowin' things," said Adelphius. "Yeah?" said Big Pa. "Yeppers," said Adelphius. "I knew a man that blew his lotto winnings." "What happened?" said Big Pa. "He didn't learn the word 'no,' said Adelphius. "He said 'yes' to every pretty face." "How much money was it?" said Big Pa. "$90,000,000," said Adelphius. "Pshaw! Who can burn that much money?" said Big Pa. "Y'know, besides the government." "Not that hard when you think about it,' said Adelphius. "How much's a house cost in a ritzy place like the Golden Horseshoe?" "We'll be talkin' $500,000 or more for a tiny, little house," said Big Pa. "Twice that for a property by the water." "Right, pa," said Adelphius. "See how that adds up. You get asked for a house by a couple dozen people and you've gone broke." "An' that's why you got to learn to say 'no,'" said Big Pa. "Course not always 'no.' you keep saying that and things'll pass yah by. I had an opportunity to invest in Microsoft and I passed it up. This week it went up a buck. I coulda made at least a thousand smackeroos on that one." "Eh," said Adelphius, "whaddaya gonna do? Can't live in the past. Past is past." "I think that's why Saddam Hussein told the authorities after they took him out his mud hole and questioned him about his war crimes," said Big Pa.

"Lemme revise," said Adelphius, "let go of the small things." "A thousand bucks ain't no small thing," said Big Pa. "Back in the day it could buy plenty. Did you know Manhattan went for for $24? I sure would have liked to get in on that deal, boy, I tell yah." "That was way before your were born," said Adelphius. "Yeah, but someone still profited," said Big Pa. "All that land is worth more than $600,000,000,000. That's billion with a B." "What a shady deal," said Adelphius, "profiting off of someone else's misery." "I can only tell you 'bout humans," said Big Pa. "I can't tell them what to do." Emily interrupted. "Dad, what's a wormhole?" "It's a hole that worms go into," said Adelphius. "Oh, gumdarnit, she's talkin' about what's on the radio," said Big Pa. Big Pa adjusted the radio once again. "Shhh, let's actually listen this time," said Big Pa. This was heard on the radio in Adelphius' pick up truck: "Scientists at the University of Waterloo have discovered a method for instantaneous transportation. The dean has commented, however, that the results are only tentative and further testing is required to determine the feasibility, and safety, of such means of travel. Richard Branson chimed in, adding that Virgin Airlines would make use of this product should it become available for commercial development." "Wow," said Adelphius. He turned down the radio. "Real instantaneous transportation." "Insun-tane-ee-us transpor-tay-shun?" said Emily. "Means you can go from one place to another in an instant," said Big Pa. He snapped his fingers. "As quick as that." "Like an aeroplane?" said Emily. "Not quite, little one," said Adelphius. "Like a train?" said Emily. "Ummm, that'd be slower," said Adelphius. "Hm, then that's awfully fast, ain't it?" said Emily. Big Pa snapped his fingers once more. "As fast as that," he said. "Am I not making it clear?" "Eh, I think I get it," said Emily. "It's real fast. Like Roofus when he's chasin' butterfrees. He-he. Silly thing don't know that they can fly higher than he can jump." "Such a lovable mutt, but so, so stupid," said Big Pa. "He's like a T-rex. He don't got more than a walnut rolling around up there." "Anyway," said Adelphius. "In two weeks time it'll be mom's birthday, little one. You got anything prepared for her? Not that I'm saying you got to do anything spectacular. Just a little card or something ought to make the woman who gave birth to you happy." "Oh, yes, yes, yes," said Emily. "I've a very special surprise planned." "What is it?" said Big Pa. "Big Pa, now, it's not a surprise if I tell you, is it?" said Emily. "The surprise is for your mom though," said Big Pa. "What if one of you tattles?" said Emily. "What then? My secret is ruined." "Not that it really matters," said Adelphius, "but tattle doesn't mean what you think it means." "What's it mean?" said Emily. "Tattle means to tell on someone for being naughty," said Adelphius. "Mhm," said Big Pa.

"Then what shall I say?" said Emily. "Spill the beans, I believe it is," said Adelphius. He turn the wheel of his pickup truck, taking a sharp right. "Ha-ha-ha," Emily laughed. "Spilling the beans. What do beans got to do with secrets?" "In ancient times," said Big Pa, "people used to write secret messages on beans, an' if yah spilled them people could see your secrets." "Ooooh," said Emily. "That makes an awful lot of sense." "Ignore that," said Adelphius. "Big Pa is joking around. Nobody knows where spilling the beans came from. Except of course God, but since the days of Jesus we've lost communication somehow. I suppose it's on account of his age. Thousands of years seems like only seconds to Him. So, he must've said he'd come back again after a week." "Well, well," said Emily. "I can't wait a week. I'll lookit up on the internet. They gots a lot of interesting things on there. I'd say a computer is smarter than Mrs. Worsley, and she's a doctor. Can you believe it? A doctor as a teacher." "What type of doctor?" said Adelphius. "There are different types?" said Emily. "Sure are," said Big Pa. "Some people are doctors of bull --" "Bulldogs!" Adelphius interrupted. "Bulldogs." "You can be a doctor of bulldogs?" said Emily. "Oooh, wow. How interesting." Emily imagined herself as a doctor in a white coat, checking the hear beat of a bulldog with a stethoscope. Meanwhiel Adelphius looked at the instrument cluster of his pick up truck (the display behind the wheel) and saw that the fuel gauge was nearly hitting empty. "Darn it," said Adelphius, "almost outta gas." "Head on down to Brent's," said Big Pa. "It's the nearest station." "I thought Old man Brent retired," said Adelphius. "Yah must be kidding me," said Big Pa. "That old workhorse hasn't missed a day since that place opened up in 1984. Why, he broke his arm once after falling off a ladder, and he worked until closing time. Then, only then, did he go visit the hospital." "Sounds awfully foolish," said Adelphius. "Yes, but it sure as heck is convenient for his customer," said Big Pa. "Customer you mean," said Adelphius. "No, customer," said Big Pa, "as in me." "Right then," said Adelphius. He continued along the road, and took a left turn when "Brent's Gas and Snacks" popped up. "Ooh, daddy," said Emily, "can I get some treats?" "Okay..." said Adelphius. "Yay," said Emily. "...But on the condition that you tell me what your surprise for mom is." "Do I hafta?" "Little one, I am not going to spill the beans." "Oh, awright, only if you promise not to spill them, then we can come to an agreement." "Thank you." Adelphius turned to Big Pa. "You coming out?" "Too cold my old bones," said Big Pa. "But do pick up some coffee would yah?" "They sell coffee here now?" said Adelphius. "Sure do," said Big Pa. "Brent heard about how well Tim Hortons was doing, so he decided to make an investment into some Folgers." "Folgers, huh?" said Adelphius. "The best part of waking up," said Big Pa, "is drinking Folgers."

"Okay," said Adelphius. He looked at Emily. "C'mon, little one." Adelphius opened the door for Emily, and held her hand. The two toddled around their pickup truck, and went into the little green shop ahead of themselves. Lo and behold old man, really old man, Brent Spitzer was there, behind the counter like always. He looked about 90 years old. His eyeglasses were about as this as a finger, and the wrinkles that ran all over his face gave him the appearance of a wrinkly bulldog. "Evening," said Brent Spitzer, owner of Brent's Gas and Snacks. "How May I help yeh?" "I need some gas, thank you," said Adelphius. "Would you turn on pump 4 for 90 liters please?" "Pump 4? No problem," said Brent. "Anything else you'd like?" Adelphius handed Brent his credit card. "Do you have any coffee?" said Adelphius. "Yep, yep," said Brent. "Sure as shine do. How'll you take it?" "Double double," said Adelphius, "and make it a medium." "That'll be all?" said Brent, quivering as he poured some coffee into a paper cup. "I'm just gonna go out and pump my gas," said Adelphius. "Could you watch my offspring fer a minute?" "I'm no good with kids," said Brent. "She's no trouble," said Adelphius. "She's very polite. Ain't that true, Emily?" "Yessir, I sure is," said Emily. "Am always gettin' complimented on that by Mrs. Worsley. She says I'm like an angel in hell." "Angel in hell?" said Adelphius. "Sure," said Emily. "I'm the Angel, and her classroom's hell. So she says." "This teacher of yours sounds unbalanced," said Adelphius. "She ain't unbalanced," said Emily. "She stands upright perfectly fine as far as I can tell." "Never mind," said Adelphius. "You stay here and don't be naughty please. I'll be right back." Adelphius took the coffee on the counter, and went outside to pump gas; meanwhile Emily stood perfectly still, staring at Brent's big eyes (not actually big, but they appeared that way because of his thick glasses). "Mm, so how old are yeh?" said Brent. "Thirteen?" "Goodness no!" said Emily. "I'm only eight." "Ah, eight, such a tender age," said Brent. "And how old are you?" said Emily. "Can you keep a secret?" said Brent. "I'm good at doing that," said Emily. "Welp," said Brent, "I'm 290 years old." "Wow!" said Emily. "You must be the oldest man in the world." "As far as I know," said Brent. "Do you think my Big Pa will live to be as old as you?" said Emily. "I sure hope he does." "Mm, I hate to break it to yeh," said Brent, "but am a special case." "How's that?" said Emily. "I was a special baby," said Brent. "I was an experiment done by the government. They reckon I'll live till am 500 years old. It's a long way away." "I'd never want to get that old," said Emily. "And why not?" said Brent. "I'm curious about what's on the other side," said Emily. "Aren't you jus' the least bit curious. I mean it might be really swell up there. Even sweller than here, they say." "Eh-he-he, sorry, hate to break it to yeh," said Brent, "but I'm not a believe in that sort of stuff. Like heaven." "Oh no?" said Emily.

"I believe we got a limited amount of time here on earth, a one shot deal," said Brent, "an' we gotta make the best of it. No time for slacking off and hopin' it's gonna get better when we leave." "You don't believe in heaven," said Emily. "How odd." "Don't believe in god neither," said Brent. "Why's that?" said Emily. "My ma was the most religious person I knew," said Brent, "and she died of cancer, despite all our praying. If there was a god, and he cared for us, he'd never have let the happen. She suffered so much. I cry thinking about it. An' I wish that she were up there, relaxing, and having a good time, but I know that's not true." "What a grim outlook on life," said Emily. "Eh-he-he, you'll learn later on," said Brent. "You're too young at the moment." "I hope when I get older," said Emily, "I'll become real smart, and prove that god exists." "That's an uphill battle," said Brent. "If you're gonna present your ideas to some intellectual, at least." "I think there is a god," said Emily. "Because I always pray fer him to protect daddy and mommy, and Big Pa, and they're doing very well for themselves. I think Big Pa's going to live a very long time." "I really hope he does," said Brent. Tring! Adelphius returned to the gas station shop. He wiped the snow off his feet on the welcome mat. "Am back," said Adelphius. "My kid weren't no trouble, were she?" "Nosireebab," said Brent. "She's as sweet as a plum." "You done good," Adelphius said to Emily. "Thank you, daddy," said Emily. "Now, about that treat you wanted," said Adelphius. "If I tell you what I got mommy for her birfday, I can get a snack, is that right?" said Emily. "Go ahead and look around and pick," said Adelphius, "but not too long, Big Pa is outside waiting, thank you very much." Emily went closer to the counter. She looked at the selection of sweets and candy that were available. There wasn't much choice, a lot of stuff for old people, like Butter Toffees, Mellowcremes, and peppermint swirled treats. "What do you want?" said Adelphius. "I don't know," said Emily. "It's so hard to choose." She picked up an item. "What's this stringy thingy?" "That is a licorice stick," said Brent. "I used to eat it when I was a kid. Mighty good, if yeh ask me." Emily held up the licorice stick. "I'll take it." "Good choice," said Brent. Adelphius gave Brent enough change to pay for the licorice stick. "Thank you so kindly for your business," said Brent. "I'll be seeing yeh around?" "See you later," said Adelphius. "Bye, mister," said Emily. Then she and Adelphius went back outside, and they returned to the pickup truck. "What took so long?" said Big Pa. "We had to get a treat," said Adelphius. Emily bit on her licorice stick and made a face. "Eeeyuck." "You don't like it?" said Big Pa. "Would you like to have it?" said Emily. "Sure," said Big Pa.

Emily gave Big Pa her licorice stick, which he chewed with delight. Adelphius meanwhile began driving off. "Well now," said Adelphius. "What's this surprise you have for your mom?" "I got mommy a thinking cap," said Emily. "She's always staring at the wall, an' I ask her what she's doin' an' she says, 'Thinkin.' I figure my thinking cap could help her very much." Emily went into her backpack and took out a cap that was made from pink dyed wool. "How nice," said Big Pa. "Where'd you get that from?" "Mrs. Worsley gave it to me," said Emily. "I had a real tough question to answer on the board, so she went into her drawer, and put it on my head. Worked a charm too. I know my maths quite well. 21 x 99 equals 2,079." "Wow, that's a big nummer," said Big Pa. "Is it correct?" "There's only one way to find out," said Adelphius. He put his finger on the frosted window, and rubbed it to do arithmetic. He rounded 99 to 100, and multiplied that by 21, which gave him 2,100. Then he subtracted 21, which made 2,079. "Lord, lord, almighty," said Adelphius. "It is correct." "Wa-ha," said Big Pa. He rubbed Emily's head. "Turns out you're a genius." "Must get it from her mother's side," said Adelphius. "And not our side?" said Big Pa. "We're farmers," said Adelphius, "not accountants. Sarah's done gone to university. She knows 'bout stuff like this." "Yeeeeah, she's a real smart one," said Big Pa. "Lucky that you met her. Wasn't it her idea to invest in those machines?" "Mhm," said Adelphius. "She read about them in a science magazine. They weren't cheap, but, boy, worth every penny. i can't imagine living without them." "Too bad the little one won't know the old ways of farming though," said Big Pa. "It's fine," said Adelphius. "I don't think anyone actually cares to scrape horse crap from the ground." "Just saying," said Big Pa. "Early to work, and late to bed makes you hardy." He turned his head to Emily. "What do you think, little one? Wouldn't you like to experience a farm like in the good ol' days?" "Sure," said Emily. "I'm curious about all those things. The old stuff is good stuff." "This one's definitely a genius," said Big Pa. "And, and," said Emily, "I'm not so sure I like them machines. The big swinging arms scare me. Could you imagine a world where robots rule the planet, and we humans were their slaves?" "Ha," said Adelphius. "Don't you worry. That'll never happen. Not on a blue moon. Nope, nope. Nothing, not no robots, not no animals, could ever overthrow us humans. We're far too clever for them." "Or too evil?" said Emily. "What's that now?" said Big Pa. "Mrs. Worsley been saying that man is too evil for his own good," said Emily. "Though I dunno what her opinion on women are." "Lord," said Big Pa, "she's done gone and put silly ideas in your head. Not all men are evil, little one. Do you think me and your daddy are evil?" Adelphius glanced at Emily while driving. "I don't know," said Emily. "Um, well, um -- we're not!" said Big Pa. "Sorry," said Emily. "Never you mind," said Adelphius.

The Son Returns Roofus ran around in circles in the dark, meanwhile Emily, Sarah, and Big Pa were hidden just behind their sofa. They were watching the front door. When it opened and a hand came in to turn on the light, they jumped up, and yelled, "Surprise!" "Oh Lord," said Adelphius, after kicking the snow off his boots. "Y'all nearly gave me a heart attack." "Where's Jo?" said Emily. "He's pulling in his luggage," said Adelphius. A moment later, a youngish man, aged 17 or 18, came through the door. Somehow he managed to carry in four pieces of luggage. This was Joseph Goode, the son of Adelphius Goode. He was tall like his mother, had blue eyes and blonde hair, but had the quite muscular build of his father. "Hello, everyone!" said Joseph Goode. Emily ran up to Joseph and gave him a hug. When she was a done, Sarah did the same. Big Pa, rather, gave him a firm, manly handshake. "Good to see yah again," said Big Pa. "Did you miss us?" said Emily. "Sure as heck did," said Joseph. "How was Toronto?" said Sarah. "Did you like it? Is the University of Toronto any bit as good as the University of Alberta? Of course that's where I went to school." "Heh, I know that, mom," said Joseph. "And yes, it was just as good as the University of Alberta... Although I must say, not quite as friendly." "How exciting, you just have to tell us everything," said Sarah. "But first," said Adelphius, "clearing his throat, my boy's got to get to his room to unpack, and then we'll have dinner." "Mmm, home cooked food, can't hardly wait," said Joseph. "I'm sure it'll be amazing." "Amazing, hm?" said Sarah. "I never heard my food described that way." "Oh," said Joseph, "it's a new word I picked up while visiting the 'lower 48.' They use the word amazing to describe everything it seems. I remember I drew a picture of cat for someone -- me being the little artist I am -- and the American woman I gave it to told me it was amazing. Took me about 5 minutes, it did." "How odd," said Sarah. "I'll tell you what's amazing," said Big Pa. "Landing on the moon. Not no cat drawing. No offense to you, Joseph." "Yeah, that was kinda my point, Big Pa," said Joseph. "And I agree. It's an odd word to use to describe the mundane. However, it is quite catchy. I find myself using a lot of slang they use...but maybe it'll go away. After all, I only spent a week in New York." "A week in New York," said Sarah, "is a lot more than you think. Don't you know what a New York minute is?" "Yeah, that's a real fast minute," said Joseph. "So, less than an actual minute?" "Is that what it means?" said Sarah. "Hm, I always thought it meant things seemed slower. Traffic jams and crimes and all. And also, like Einstein said, 'Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.'" "Okay, okay," said Adelphius, "get up to your room now, and change for dinner. I'll be setting the table." Joseph nodded and carried his luggage upstairs. He took a turn and went into his bedroom at the corner of the hallway, which was right beside the bathroom. He went in and put all his things down. He took off his clothes, changed, and plopped down on his bed. He spread out his arms and legs. "Woo," said Joseph. "What a flight." He yawned. "So sleepy."

"ALRIGHT," Adelphius called from below, "Am done setting the table! Get your rump down here, my son!" Joseph sat bolt upright, and rushed downstairs. He would never keep his family waiting. He went into the dining room, and sat down by Emily. Big Pa had the end seat, and Adelphius, and Sarah sat opposite to their kids. Roofus, their dog, went anywhere he pleased. "Well now," said Adelphius. "Is someone going to get dinner?" "Dear me," said Sarah, "in the excitement of our dear son coming home, and my achy feet, it seems I've forgotten to serve y'all." "No worries," said Joseph. "I'll get the food." "Thank you," said Sarah. Joseph stood up, and left the dining room to go into the kitchen. "OH NO!" he said from inside the kitchen. "What's it going on?!" said Emily. "You guys," said Joseph. Joseph returned to the dining room with a laptop computer. Apple, no less. "I can't believe it," said Joseph. "You got me one of those fancy dance Apple computers! Brand new too! This must've cost a fortune." Joseph hugged everyone around the table, including Roofus. "This is all too much," he said. "You been pining fer a new computer," said Adelphius, "so your mom and I scraped the funds together. It weren't nothing." "And you got the latest model too," said Joseph. He held the Apple computer box over his head. "It's so light. It's like a feather. Is there even anything inside here?" "Sure is," said Sarah. "Open it up." Joseph opened his Apple computer box. "Ummm," he said. "There's nothing in here." "You sure?" said Sarah. "You been duped!" said Adelphius. "No, wait," said Joseph, "here it is." He picked up his Apple laptop computer and turned it to the show the front. It was thin as ever, even thinner than the manual that described it operations and how to use it. "Hoo," said Adelphius. "Was worried for a minute there." "If only I were that thin," said Sarah. "You look plenty fine," said Adelphius. "Can I see it?" said Emily. "Alright," said Joseph, "but take care not to drop it." "Okay," said Emily. As soon as Joseph handed his Apple laptop computer to Emily, it dropped to the floor, and slipped between a crack in the floor. "Aw, no," said Joseph. "I'm so sorry!" said Emily. "I didn't mean to." "It's okay," said Joseph. "It was an accident." Emily looked down where her feet were. "Want me to fish it out? I think I can." "It's in pretty deep," said Joseph. "Not fer me, I got small fingers," said Emily. "Give it a shot," said Joseph. "I just hope it isn't broken." Emily squatted down, put her two pinky fingers together like tongs, and reached into the crack in the floor, where Joseph's Apple laptop computer was. She just barely gripped the ends, and then pulled it out.

"Well done, little one," said Big Pa. Emily handed Joseph his laptop. Joseph lifted the screen and pressed the "on" button. "Success," said Joseph, seeing that it worked. "Indeed," said Sarah. "Thank you so much again," said Joseph. "I'm gonna put it away. I'll bring out the food too." "It's in the oven," said Sarah. So, Joseph put away his gift, his computer, and went into the kitchen to get the food. He put on a pair of oven mitts, and opened the oven. As he did a steamy smell blasted his face. He took in a whiff through his nostrils and went, "Aaah!" (But not in a screamy way.) He took turducken, and placed it on a large white plate. Then he took out it out the dining room. After that he brought out the bread rolls and vegetables that went along along with it. Sarah stood at the middle of the table, and sliced the turducken for everyone to eat. When everyone had their plates full she sat back down. Adelphius caringly rubbed her on the shoulder. "This food looks mighty fine," he said. "Yes, mighty fine," said Big Pa. "Mighty fine," said Emily Everyone stared at Joseph, who sometimes seemed to be the odd one out. "Mighty fine," Joseph said slowly. "Brings back memories, and all, but..." "But?" said Sarah. "But, um," said Joseph, "could I say grace? I don't mean to impose. If you'd like to..." "No, no," said Sarah. "G'head. Haven't heard your voice say grace in a long time." "Thank you," said Joseph. Everyone lowered their heads and held hands. "In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit," Joseph Began. "Thank you, God, for all this wonderful food you've given us. Thank you for this loving family, Roofus, and this home we all live in. Thank you for the sacrifices Jesus made, your only son, and thank you for giving us life. Thank you, God." "AMEN," everyone around the table said in synchronization. "Let's dig in!" said Adelphius. So, everyone began eating...except Joseph. He just stared at his plate. "What's the matter, my son?" said Sarah. "Why aren't you eating? You got a belly ache? I got Tums, if you need it." "No, it's not that," said Joseph. "I'm actually... I'm actually..." "Go on," said Adelphius. "I'm actually a vegetarian," said Joseph. "Oh, wow," said Emily. "A vegetarian?" said Big Pa. "What's that?" "Means I don't eat the flesh of animals," said Joseph. "You're a leaf eater," said Big Pa. "Something like that," said Joseph. "I can't believe it," said Adelphius. "My son is gay as the color pink. Not that I think there's anything wrong with being gay, I just wanted some grand kids is what." "Oh, dad," said Joseph. "I'm not gay." "Then why won't you eat meat?" said Adelphius. "What, you're too good for a hot, thick, juicy sausage in your mouth? "I'm not saying I'm too good for anything," said Joseph. "I just think that eating meat is wrong. Killing and eating the flesh of others, especially for enjoyment, is not something I want to do. Not that I'm judging anyone, but it's highly immoral." "You saying my occupation is immoral?" said Adelphius. "By Jesus, you know something, son?

Those animals we breed, raise, and slaughter put food on our table to eat." "That's exactly my problem," said Joseph. "AND, and, and," said Adelphius, "they pay for your university. Your fancy stay at the University of Toronto. Which is a crappy school anyway, all the professors done gone on strike for a higher pay; otherwise you wouldn't out here in the middle of September." "Look, dad," said Joseph, "I mean you no disrespect, I love you, and mom, and Emily, and Big Pa, but I just can't eat animals. I'm trying to become a veterinarian. That means I'll be doing a lot of caring for animals. Don't you think it's contradictory to heal animals, while at the same time eating them?" "Contrawhat?" said Emily. "I don't know how to feel about this," said Adelphius. "I feel like you're turning your back on this family. It hurts my feelings." "I'm so sorry, dad," said Joseph. "This is how I feel. Eating meat, to me, is immoral." "But eating meat ain't immoral," said Adelphius. "We're doing it to survive." "We're not, we're not," Joseph repeated himself. "We don't need all this meat. We can survive on nuts, bread, and cheese, and vegetables." "Vegetables, yuck," said Big Pa. "Hey, I done prepared vegetables for us to eat," said Sarah. "Oh," said Big Pa, looking quite ashamed. "Son," said Adelphius, "I am very concerned about your new dieting habits. How ever will you get your proteins?" "Dairy," said Joseph, "and nuts, and other vegetarian foods. Did you know brown rice and yellow pea protein are nutritionally complete as muscle building supplements?" "Hmmm," said Adelphius. "I still don't know. This is hard to swallow. I mean, okay, now that you're a vegetarian, will you be eating fish?" "No," said Joseph. "Fish are animals. If you eat fish you are not a vegetarian." "Jesus Christ ate fish," said Adelphius. "Some historians think he didn't and he was a vegetarian himself," said Joseph. "And why not? After all, he did say, 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' He wasn't specific about humans. He might've been talking about animals as well." Adelphius thought aloud, "So, hmmm, now am immoral?" "You are what you are," said Joseph. "I don't think eating meat makes you a bad person," said Big Pa. "If it's a life or death situation, I don't think so," said Joseph. "In the harshest of times we will do what we desperately must. But what we do when we have choices is what decides whether or not we are moral individuals. At least that's my opinion." "But wait, I'm real nice to my neighbors, and I give generously," said Adelphius. "Why's that make me immoral? I think I'm a moral person. At least that's my opinion." "Dad," said Joseph, "your sense morality is a human-centric construct that we've placed on ourselves for our own individual benefit. Working together, and not harming one another, brings selfprosperity. And that at the end of the day is self-interest, which in my mind is not true morality. True morality should be that you think to help everyone, the helpless especially, and those who can't ever give you anything return, whether that's recognition, praise, or tax benefits... You did write all those turkeys off for last Christmas, didn't you?" "Well now..." said Adelphius. "Or maybe," said Sarah, "maybe there is no morality. Maybe we're just like the animals, blindly following our instincts. The Venus fly trap, for example, never contemplates about the wrongness of its actions. It doesn't think about the dying fly its consuming. It just shuts its trap and swallows. So maybe we're like that too? Maybe we're following the urges in our brain, our instincts, without restraint. After

all, what do people live for? Sex and food, without regard to anyone else, and in no quantity moderate these days it seems." "I dunno," said Big Pa. "No, that can't be, mom," said Joseph, "because I've chosen to become a vegetarian, and I've thought about the wrongs I've done." "Maybe," said Emily, "it only applies to certain people. I'd say some people are like animals, wouldn't you?" "That'd be the majority in that case," said Sarah. "Oh boy," said Adelphius. "Could we please change the topic and just eat? We been yammering on. The turducken's getting cold." "Yeah, okay," said Joseph. "Pass the vegetables, please, would you?" Big Pa passed the vegetables. Joseph put the mix of carrots, peas, and carrots onto his plate, rather than the immoral turducken. "Want some butter with that?" said Big Pa. "No, thank you, Big Pa," said Joseph. "This is all I need." "Let me get you some rolls," said Sarah. Sarah stood up, and passed Joseph the basket of bread rolls. "Thank you," said Joseph. He took a bite into a bread roll. Sarah returned to her seat. "Well now," said Adelphius, "what's Toronto like? Is it as smelly as they say?" "It's not New York," said Joseph. "Oh," said Adelphius. "But it's an interesting place," said Joseph. "Ugly but interesting." "Did you meet any girls there?" said Sarah. "Really now," said Adelphius. "Just curious," said Sarah. "You're gonna be an adult soon, and I wanna know if they'll be any grand kids coming down the pipe." "Yeah," said Joseph, "I met some girls at university." "You didn't do nothing dirty did you?" said Adelphius. "No, dad," said Joseph. "I've become vegetarian, but I'm still a Christian." "Any kissing?" said Adelphius. "Oh, who's the dirty one now?" said Sarah. "Only checkin' to see what he didn't do," said Adelphius. "No, no kissing," said Joseph. "I have yet to kiss a woman." "Don't sweat it, son," said Adelphius. "A kiss isn't very special these days. For most people it's just what you do on your way to the party. If you know what I'm saying." Joseph made a face. "You know," said Sarah, "your father was my first kiss, and I was his first kiss." "That so?" said Big Pa. "Yeeep," said Sarah, "and I had to turn down a lot of fellas. But I saw your dad, and that was it. I knew I wanted to have that memory with him. You should do the same too, Joseph. Don't be like everyone else. Make a kiss special, do it with someone you truly, truly love. It takes patience but it's worth the weight." "Ha," said Big Pa. "You expect him to stick to that? People barely save themselves for marriage these days, and you want him to save up a kiss?" "I think he can do it," said Sarah. She pointed to Joseph with her fork. "And don't do no tongue y'hear? A first kiss should be gentle, and on the lips. Not none of that nasty stuff you see in them pornographies. Don't do the 'washing machine' like some slattern. I raised you better than that." "Must we discuss my love life?" said Joseph.

"Let me give you some tips," said Sarah. "Oh boy," said Joseph. "Ain't nothing disgusting," said Sarah. "I just want you to know what types of girls to look for." "Okay," said Joseph. "Alright, it's more not what to look for," said Sarah. "I'm listening, mom," said Joseph. "Alright," said Sarah, "when you get into a conversation with a nice, young lady, you gotta really listen to the questions she asks. If one of the first things she asks about is your career, or job, then you want to forget about her." "Why?" said Joseph. "It's a roundabout way of asking how much your wallet weighs," said Sarah. "When she asks about career or job she really wants to know how much money you have, an' you don't want a woman of that nature, do you?" "Not at all," said Joseph. "In the same vein," said Sarah, "your father once had his eye on another woman when we were younger. This was shortly before we met. Anyway, he asked her out on a date, and then when she found out he was workin' on an animal farm, for Big Pa for nothing, she decided not to give him a chance. She sure missed out." "I wish I could've had an allowance," said Adelphius. "Darn it, I gave you clean food, nutritious water, and a roof over yer head," said Big Pa. "You don't need more than that." "Still," said Adelphius. "Would've been nice." "So," said Joseph. "Does that woman, who broke dad's heart, still around here?" "Moved down south," said Sarah. "And you know what she's doin' now?" "What?" said Joseph. "She's a prostitute," said Sarah. "What's a pros-pros-tuh-toot?" said Emily, sounding out the word. "A woman who sells her body for money," said Sarah. Emily imagined a woman plucking a finger off her hand and selling it at the local market. Joseph the most liberal minded of the family teased his mom, "What's wrong with prostitution?" "What, what, what?" said Sarah. "Did you say what's wrong with prostitution? Young man, I don't want you giving up your virginity and first kisses to some unclean woman. She better be a god fearing woman, who is saving herself for marriage. None of this Jezebel-like promiscuousness, alright?" "What's wrong if she's promiscuous?" said Joseph. "Besides the emotional turmoil it causes, knowing your bride ain't pure, that she's been snogging and flogging with another man that ain't you...diseases!" said Sarah. "Do you know how prevalent HIV/AIDS is? Accordin' to the WHO, the World Health Organization, 25 million people in sub-Saharan-Africa are infected by it. In China and India, combined, it's 35 million. That's a lot considering it ain't even the whole world." "I'm not in Africa, mom," said Joseph. "Or China or India." "And according the CDC, the Center of Disease Control, the cost of treating sexually transmitted diseases is $17 billion per year in American alone." "What about Canada?" said Joseph. "Ain't nobody give a damn enough to collect statistics about Canada," said Sarah. Joseph sighed. "I agree with your mother," said Adelphius. "Find a virgin like yourself. A good, good girl, who hasn't been kissed, who don't dress like her clothes are only made to cover your bits and pieces." "That is unrealistic," said Joseph.

"Your mom and I did it," said Adelphius. "You two are weird," sad Joseph. "I don't know what to say," said Sarah. "I feel insulted." "Oh, mom, I'm not insulting you," said Joseph. "I'm only saying that you two are...unique. In a good way. A nice way." "Son," said Adelphius, "let me tell you, find a woman that has the fear of God in her. Because remember Jesus hated the whores." "I'm not too sure about that," said Joseph. "And I don't know why you hate whores anyway. They seem like nice, friendly people." "Too friendly," said Big Pa. "Forgive me," said Adelphius, "but that's just me. I can't stand slovenly people, who overindulge. Seems there's no such thing as temperance these days, or moderation. Everyone's all about taking in more than you can handle, and then blaming people when they suffer the consequences. You being my son, I should imagine it's the same for you." "I dunno," said Joseph. "Listen to me," said Adelphius, "the Bible, and its teachings, are the most important thing in the world. You can't shun what the Bible says. the Bible saved my life once." "Really?" said Emily. "Yeeep," said Adelphius. "Was a long time ago. Someone from a distance with a small caliber gun accidentally shot at me, and the hardcover Bible I was carrying just about stopped it from entering my chest. "Thank the Lord," said Big Pa. "But yes," said Adelphius, "when your [sic] lookin' for a woman keep the Lord in your mind." "I will, dad," said Joseph. "But some practical advice too," said Sarah. "When you go hunting for girls, avoid the ones who want you to be a mind reader. They make you go bonkers." "Ain't that most women?" said Big Pa. "No," said Sarah. "But there are a few women out there that don't know how to communicate properly. As communication is the most important thing in a relationship, you gotta find someone you can talk with, and someone who don't expects you to know all her emotions and feelings. Now, you gotta pay attention once in a while, but if she done get angry at you for something you would have never known unless she told you, then you don't wanna be with her. If you ask what's wrong, and she done say, 'You should already know,' then you save your energy and drop her like a stone." "I'll keep that in mind," said Joseph. He spooned some vegetables into his mouth. "And do not go for the crazies," said Adelphius. "They might be good in bed, but they's more trouble than they worth." "How do you know this?" said Sarah. "Well, erm," said Adelphius. "'Wellerm' ain't a proper answer," said Sarah. "Fine, fine," said Adelphius, "I'll tell you the truth. I read an article in one of 'em nudey magazines...but I didn't look at the women! I's only interesting in the article." "Children," said Sarah, "please do not mimic your father. He has sinned and I have forgiven him, but tonight he will be missing out." "On what?" said Emily. "Never you mind, little one," said Sarah. "Now, hum, what were yah saying about girls?" said Big Pa, trying to change the subject once again. "Yes, let's go back on that," said Joseph. "What girls should he be going after?" said Big Pa.

"Not the pseudo-intellectuals, certainly," said Sarah. "Pseudo-intellectuals, eh?" said Joseph. "Fake smart people," said Sarah. "I don't want you mixing with them. They are pretentious and don't have any practical intelligence to help you. If you haven't already met them in Toronto, you're bound to bump into 'em." "How do I know if I'm talking to a fake smart person?" said Joseph. "They're real snobby," said Sarah. "They think everyone that don't think like them is dumb, and when it comes to giving back to society intellectually, or commenting, they can only point out what's wrong, rather than finding a solution or directing you to relevant information. Also, they watch a heckuva lot of TV shows and movies. They think it's the height of art. Books and plays be darned, in their opinion." "Hm," said Joseph. "But what really gets my goat," said Sarah, "is they think they're intellectual by watching 'high brow' movies, like their viewing choice are better than the rest of society. If you haven't noticed, movies aren't intellectual. They're corporate produced products, made to appeal to the most amount of people. It's the icing on the cake. Sweet but good for nothing. It's messages you already know and accept. You want discourse, you want progressiveness? Read something." "You sure are into books, mom," said Joseph. "I read one book a week," said Sarah. "It's how I keep my sanity." "I see," said Joseph. Adelphius put his fork down. "Dad, do you have something to say?" said Joseph. "...About my love life?" "Avoid the sycophants, son," said Adelphius. "Avoid the brown nosers. Especially the ones, who suck up to America. Hate those people. Don't they got no pride in their own country? Those darn traitors. They think that place is so great, but hear me now, hear me good, America is full of gun violence, racism, poverty, discrimination, religious zealots, sex freaks, and fat people. Canada! Now Canada is the place to be. Free health care, beautiful women, snow capped mountains, wild life, and people that you can depend on. Best country in the world, boy!" "I wouldn't say the best," said Joseph. "What about Sweden? That's a pretty nice place to live." "France too," said Emily. "And let's not forget Ireland," said Big Pa. "What a lovely country that is." "What about England?" said Sarah. "Shut up, shut up, everyone," said Adelphius. "I will not have anyone slander the good name of Canada. It's the best country in the world and that's final! Y'hear me?! An' don't you even try and compare it to England. Okay? We don't have no leeching, royal family on the dole. No, siree, we're royalty free." "Fine, but no need to get so worked up," said Sarah. "I just have red and white pride is all," said Adelphius. "Yes," said Sarah, "but nobody done say something was wrong with Canada. They's just pointing out that there are other finer, equally good countries." "Equal?" said Adelphius. "You think a country with a system that happily supports a lazy, spoilt dummies like William and Harry is any good? That William vacations fer a living. Ooh, how hard is that? You go around and travel, and talk to people. You think it compares to the labor that farmers, or teachers, or scientists, or firemen do?" "Isn't Harry in the British military?" said Joseph. "Yeah, but all he do is fly a helicopter," said Adelphius. "Lots of work that is, being up in the air, and pushin' around a joystick. An' don't even get me started about him riskin' his life. He ain't riskin' nothin'. You think they done put him in a dangerous war zone? The only missions he gets is rescuing kitties from trees and taking pictures of sand."

Sarah sighed. "Why don't we finish our food in silence today?" "Aw, gumdarnit," said Big Pa. "That's what we always do." On a Cross So came the morning. The Goode family were preparing for an outing on this fine Sunday morning. Adelphius, dressed in a gray sports coat, slipped on over to his son's room. He knocked on the door, using the medial phalange of his index finger. "Just a minute!" said Joseph, who was slipping into his Superman underwear. "I'm changing!" "Hurry it up, please," said Adelphius. "Church starts in half an hour." "I am aware of that," said Joseph. "That's why I woke up, dad." "I'm getting cold and lonely out here," said Adelphius. "Where's my dear son?" After a minute Joseph came out of his bedroom. He let out a deep breath. "Here I am," said Joseph. "Sorry to rush you," said Adelphius, "but I wanted to talk to you." "Okay," said Joseph. "Alone." "Oh..." "It's not bad. Least I don't think it is." "What is it?" Adelphius pushed Joseph back into his room, and closed the door. "Sit down," said Adelphius. Joseph sat down on the edge of his bed. "Now, I don't want you blabbing this to anyone yet," said Adelphius. "I won't," said Joseph. "But," said Adelphius, "your grandfather's ill." "Big Pa's sick?" said Joseph. "Yes. I'm afraid." "What type of sickness?" "The big C." "Crohn's disease." "CANCER." "Cancer of what?" "Lung cancer. He should be going in three to four month's time." "How come no one else knows about this?" "Me and him kept it a secret. We prayed to God. We were hoping He could make it go away. That never happened yet, and I'm not ready to break the news to Emily, or Sarah. Or Roofus." "I, I can't believe it." "Actually, I dunno if we'll ever tell them. Your grandfather doesn't want his last days to be spent in misery." "But won't he be sick? Won't he be bed ridden?" "We're mulling it over, but we might send him across the border for palliative care...but we'll be telling everyone it's for his retirement. A permanent vacation y'know." "Do you even have enough money for that?" "He's saved up pretty good." "I think that's sneaky." "He's been wanting to see California for the longest time. So why not do it like this?" "I thought you hated America." "I don't hate it. I just think they're annoying."

"So, send Big Pa to American then? I don't follow that logic." "It's logical. America will be the place he dies and not Canada. "I see." "But there's a lesson to be had here, I s'ppose." "What's that?" "Don't smoke. And I want you to remember that, lest his death be for nothing." "I won't forget." "And when I say no smoking that includes cigars too. I know your grandfather's been smoking cigars, thinking it's a healthy replacement for cigarettes; well, son, it's not. It's just as bad in its own way. Got me?" "I got you, dad." Joseph dropped his head. He was fighting back tear, punching them in the face, and kicking them in the balls. "Oh and I overheard your phone conversation last," said Adelphius. "You overheard that?" said Joseph. "You were eavesdropping on me?" "Am sorry, son," said Adelphius. "It were an accident. I heard a little and then I stayed. I didn't mean to." Joseph sighed. "But I am real sorry about sticking my nose in your business," said Adelphius. "An' I don't just mean the phone call, but at the dinner table. A father shouldn't be sticking his nose into his son's business too much. I know you youngins these days need your privacy. You got locks on your door and everything. When I was growin' up we weren't allowed to lock our bedrooms. No, sir, we had to keep it open, and ma and pa could look in all they wanted." "Did they listen to your phone calls? said Joseph. "Yes," said Adelphius. "Seeing as there was only one phone in the house, which was in the kitchen." "Bummer," said Joseph. "Anyway, I know how you're feeling, son, and I want to let you know that you'll find someone in the future. Someone very special, like your mother." "Can we not talk about this now? It hurts to think about her." "Your mother?" "No, the girl I was talking to last night." "And why's it hurt to think about her again? "She just worries me so much. I'm getting really paranoid, dad. I'm starting to imagine things. I'm making up these scenarios about her in my head that probably don't exist or will never exist. You know what I'm talking about?" "Maybe." "You're in love with a woman, and then you speculate on things she's done in her past, and then you think about where things could head, and what the future might hold for you two. And a lot of it looks terribly bleak." "Ha. Yeah, the best of them will do that to you. Especially those big city girls. They's always causin' trouble and makin' you worry." "Not just worried, dad -- confused! She tells me things that confuse me. She says that she loves me, but then later on that she loves chocolate as well. Then I thought, 'Okay, that's different from being IN love,' then I overhear her saying how she's in love with a music album. Like what? What does the word love even mean anymore?" "You know, you really oughta find a good Manitobian girl. They're real calm and quiet and nice. You'll never find 'em in a slimy, stinky, whore-filled place like a club. No, siree. They done make for good wife material."

Joseph sighed. He stood up and got to his feet. "I guess we should get going," said Joseph. Adelphius put his arm around his son. "Don't you worry about nothing," he said, "heh, maybe you'll meet someone new at church. That'll get your mind off that Torontonian." "Exactly what I need," said Joseph. Adelphius grabbed Joseph playfully and rubbed his head. "Attaboy," said Adelphius. The Goode family -- Adelphius, Sarah, Big Pa, Emily, and Joseph -- entered the church of *Saint Emma. However, they did not immediately come into the area of worship (also known as the nave). They first came into the vestibule, the vestibule, or lobby, which had a set of double doors that led into the nave. They went on through, and, as the stained glass windows shone colored light upon them, they looked about for seating. But being that they were late there were few seats to be had. There were spots here and there, but not a full bench, where they could sit as a family. (*Saint Emma, also known as Saint Hemma, was a distant relative of Henry II. Her two children, and husband, were brutally murdered during an uprising around the year 1036.) "Where we gonna sit?" said Big Pa. Adelphius thought. He had to think quick, because people were starting to notice their presence, including the Father/priest, who was just ahead in his decorative robes, reading a passage about how Jesus turned water into wine. "Okay," said Adelphius. "Sarah and Emily, you go sit over there." He pointed. "Big Pa, you go over there and be alone, near that lady who's always had her eye on you." He pointed again. "Me and Joseph will take the crappy seats right behind the pillar." The family split up and took their seats that Adelphius told them to go to. Adelphius and Joseph shuffled ahead, and took the seats behind the pillar, the seats, which were of course just a hard wooden bench, or if you will a pew. At least part of one. "I can't see anything," Joseph whispered. Adelphius picked up a missal (a Catholic book of prayer and passages for worship). "I know," said Adelphius, "but it's our punishment for coming late and disrespecting the Lord." "Thought the Lord was infinite," said Joseph. "He wouldn't care if we were late for anything. He's got all the time in the world." "Don't get smart, please," said Adelphius. "Especially not in the church." "Sorry," said Joseph. "You can say that in the confessional." "Duly noted." Adelphius leaned out to see what Father Logan was saying. Sometimes you were required to read his lips and hand gestures. "Humans we are," said Father Logan, with his arms spread out in a pontificating manner, "we seek revenge. But sometimes the wrath of God, and the effort of our fellow man, cannot produce the justice we seek. So, I implore those, who have been wronged to consider another idea." He sipped his glass of water, touching his wrinkly lips. "That the only way to fight evil in the world is to do good. To do good, and spread our goodness, and know that we are better than the sad individual, or group, who hath brought us great pain. We must rise above them, and embrace the tenets and moral of our saviour Jesus Christ. Now, I am not saying that we are obligated to forgive, for their are crimes that cannot be forgiven. And after all, we being the fragile creatures we are cannot be expected to be more than we are, and feel, but still we must lay to rest the terrible memories of injustice, for it is the only way we can find peace. For inner harmony and outer harmony is what we must seek in our daily lives to achieve enlightenment, to achieve a happy life. But not just for us, also the people around us. So, it

stands, if you want to defeat evil, and if you want to better than they who strike you, do good. That is all it takes for us to triumph over what deserves not even a thought in our mind. Do good, be better than they, and soon the villainy that you so hated shall one day be vanquished." Adelphius wiped a tear away from his cheek. "There is no justice," he said, with his thick Canadian accent. "Just ass." He nudged Joseph, who didn't look like he was paying attention. "Huh?" said Joseph. "Pay attention," said Adelphius. "This is some real heavy stuff right h'yah." "Sorry," Joseph whispered. "I was just thinking about Big Pa." "What about?" said Adelphius." "Dad, I know you might be sending off Big Pa to California, but what if he decides to stay here?" "Guess we'll have to prepare a funeral for Red Wood." "Won't it be expensive?" "You worry too much. We can afford it." "You know what? You should really keep out the people, who only come for the food after the funeral. I can't stand those people. I mean the audacity. You barely even know someone, and then you catch the ceremonies last minute just to eat for free. Why don't we save money on that? Do it by invite only." "Heh. It's okay. I like stuffing people with food. Makes me feel good." As Father Logan continued speaking ("Remember, if you think you're stuck in traffic," he said, "you aren't stuck in traffic. You are traffic. So it goes, if you want to make an improvement in society, begin with yourself, because you are a part of society. Also, it wouldn't hurt to discipline your sexcrazed, spoilt, unruly children as well.") Joseph started fidgeting in his seat. "Something the matter now?" Adelphius said. "I shouldn't have drank all that coffee," said Joseph. Adelphius was silent. Joseph stared at him. "Oh," said, "Adelphius, "you're waiting for my permission? Heh. Guess old habits never die. Joseph, you're a big boy now. You don't need to ask me anymore." "Thanks," said Joseph. Joseph sprang out of his seat and jogged down the aisle, much to the dismay of the old people. He slipped through the doors and found himself in the church's vestibule. As he was going down the steps he noticed someone sitting on them, reading a book. It was a girl. A pretty redheaded girl in a dress, who was at least 16 years old. She had a luscious lips and a curvy body... Joseph's thoughts, not mine. "Hey," said Joseph, "what're you reading there?" He suppressed his need to pee by squeezing his hairy thighs together. The girl did not respond. "HEY," said Joseph, "WHAT ARE YOU READING THERE?" The redheaded girl looked up. Her name was Ariel. "Patty Smith's biography," said Ariel. "She is an amaaazing person." "Is she?" said Joseph. "Yah," said Ariel. "Her writing is amaaazing." "You know celebrities don't write their own autobiographies, right?" said Joseph. "They usually have ghost writers." "Not true. She would never do that to her fans." "Yeah, because celebrities have never been known to lie to the public." "Why are you so down on the Patty? She's amaaazing." "So, you admire 'the Patty'?"

"Why, who do you admire that's so special anyway?" "I admire lots of people." "Like?" "Albert Einstein, Norman Borlaug, Marie Curie, Sarah Josephine Baker, Jane Goodall, Richard Feynman, Bill Nye the Science Guy. You know, people who have actually done something useful and beneficial for society." "And the Patty hasn't done that?" "She's the Avril Lavigne of her day. Plus, making pop music, and doing charity events, with the ulterior motive of bolstering your public image, is not what I consider doing something useful and beneficial for society. It's cute and all, but when I imagine when I'm in trouble, and I need help, I'm not going to be alleviated of my suffering by plucking of guitar strings, and a horsey female voice." "Why are you so down on musicians?" "I'm not down on musicians. I do like the Beatles." "What do you think of 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps'?" "It's okay, I guess." "'It's okay, I guess'?" "What?" "You're one of those people." "One of those what people?" "The ones who only like the mainstream Beatles songs. You're such a n00b." "Um, wait, aren't all of the Beatles songs mainstream? I don't think there are any nonmainstream Beatles songs. They've all been listened to by millions and millions of people, a countless number of times I'm sure." "Uh, you just don't get it, do you?" "I'm trying." Ariel put away her "Patty book" and went into her satchel and retrieved something else for reading. "What're you reading now?" said Joseph. "The Catcher in the Rye," said Ariel. "It's about a retarded Emo kid, who takes a train ride to New York. He's a very relatable character IMO." "I see," said Joseph. "What's your name again?" said Ariel, while scanning her book. "Joseph Goode," said Joseph. "And you?" "Ariel," said Ariel. "And, yes, I have red hair. Don't you dare say 'like the mermaid' or I will cut you." "Wasn't going to say that, I swear. You look more like that girl from Harry Potter." "Don't say that." "Why not?" "I hate Harry Potter." "Really?" "Yeah. And I especially hate that blonde girl, who played Hermione. She's a spoilt, lying, smug, little, slut cunt. But wow, she is really beautiful." "Oh, um, okay. That's kinda mean." "You know who else I hate?" "Who?" "Hitler." "...Do you hate things that begin with 'H'?" "No, I also hate churches." "What? Why are you here then?"

"Parents make me come here. But I pretend I have to pee, and then I don't go back. They never notice me really. My dad's practically half deaf, and has the attention span of a flea, and my mom goes into a hypnotic trance over Jesus. Dumbasses." "You don't really mean that, do you?" "First, can I tell you a secret?" "Okay." "I'm an Atheist." Joseph gasped, "You're joking." "Nope," said Ariel, "I am not. And if you want my opinion on churches, I think they're for idiots. I really hope religion disappears one day, because ut's causing all the wars and strife in the world. Contrary to what people think, religion, not money, is the root of all evil. Mankind does evil, and then justifies it by inventing a god to forgive himself. What a bunch of jerk offs." "Or, or," said Joseph, "perhaps religion isn't the problem. Maybe it's the men, who exploit it for their own good, and twist, and manipulate the true teachings of Christianity. Or Islam, or anything else for that matter." "Down with religion!" said Ariel. She threw her book up into the air, stood, and slapped Joseph on the face. "What did you do that for?" said Joseph, holding his now red cheek. "I'm putting some sense into you," said Ariel. "Can't you see this Christianity nonsense is ruining us? It's destroying progress, and suppressing our basic nature, that supposedly god gave to us. How contradictory is that? Let yourself go, be free, my friend!" "You're crazy," said Joseph. Ariel sat down and became quiet again as someone came down, passing by to go to the washroom via the atrium. "Anyhoo," said Ariel, "what can you expect of anything run by a man? Men are greedy, shitty assholes. Anywhere man runs wild, there runs chaos, and misery, and greed. Like why doesn't the manrun government do something about rampant poverty? It's not that hard. All they have to do is print money. It barely doesn't hardly cost a thing to make that piece of paper or put extra zeroes on it. Distribute the wealth for fucksakes. Stop hogging it and giving it all to Wall Street." "Okay. First of all, we have Bay Street, not Wall Street. Second, the economy doesn't work that way. You can't just print money to solve poverty. That would cause hyperinflation and erode the value of the dollar, which consequently would put everyone else straight into the poor house. Believe me, Ariel. It's a bad idea. They tried it in Zimbabwe." "Oh, what do you know about anything?" "I know printing up money won't solve our problems, and Wall Street isn't hoarding any money. It's just a place where people trade stocks and commodities." "O.K., but they should stop doing that. It's evil." "Why's it evil?" "You know." "Alright... Ariel. Just admit it, you don't even understand how the economy works -- just like every other 'young person.'" "I'm not young. I'm almost an adult legally." Joseph sighed. "I don't get you people sometimes. Why comment on things you don't know about? Is it that hard to say 'I don't know' or nothing at all? Are you really so self-important that you can't realize when to keep your mouth closed? If you don't have the right answer, say that, or don't say anything at all." Ariel glared at Joseph. She put down her book, stood to her feet, and, from her satchel, produced a bottle of Holy Water. She splashed it right in Joseph's face. "The power of Christ compels you!" she said.

Joseph sputtered. "I thought you were an Atheist!" "Yes," said Ariel, "but you still believe in it, so maybe it'll work on you." "And what did you hope to do!?" Joseph said angrily. "Cast out the devil," said Ariel. "I do not have the devil in me." "Oooh, you can't fool me, Joseph Goode. I know you got some evil in there. I can feel it. It's like when you put your hand behind the genitals of a bitch in heat." "You're fucking crazy!" "Ah-ha! See! Swearing in a sacred, hallowed place like this! What would Jesus do?" "You started it!" "Nuh-uh!" "Uh-huh! Nuh-uh! Im rubber, youre glue, everything you say sticks right back to you." "Yeah, but glue takes time to set! And if I've been left out long enough, and you put something on me, I have already hardened, and thoroughly cannot stick to anything!" "You bloody basket!" Ariel took her books and started throwing them at Joseph. "Stop it!" said Joseph. "I have to pee!" He ran to the men's washroom, both to relieve himself, and to pee. Ariel stalked around outside. She knocked on the door, "I can hear you taking a whiz in there," she said, "You'll have to come out some time. And I know you don't want to miss Father Logan's speeches. I know your dad! He's going to ask you what you thought about the sermon later on! You can't say you took a seat elsewhere with a buddy!" Joseph aimed a steady stream of urine at the urinal. "You sure have thought this through, haven't you?" said Joseph. "You psycho." "Let's be psychos together," said Ariel. "What the hell are you talking about?" said Joseph. "That's a retarded thing to say. Why would I want to be a psycho? Do you know what psychos do? They murder children and eat their wieners for breakfast." "I was only trying to salvage our relationship," said Ariel, outside the men's washroom. "What relationship? Piss off," said Joseph. He was peeing a lot longer than expected. "I only acted crazy as a test," said Ariel. "Now, c'mon out. Let's stop the swearing at each other and make out." "No way!" "Don't you love me?" "Physically or emotionally?" "Both." "Nay to either." "Be reasonable, honey." "Now I'm honey?" "Love me, honey boy!" "No!" "Is it because I'm not smart enough? I read books, haven't you noticed?" "I don't care." "There was this particular scene in this book that got me all choked up, honey. This guy was explaining to this teacher that this girl wouldn't leave her boyfriend, even though was hitting her and abusing her. Then the teacher said, 'We accept the love we think we deserve.' How about that for a quote? I think it applies to our relationship. If you started accepting me..." "I don't accept you, and that quote/passage/excerpt is stupid. Really stupid."

"Why's it stupid, honey?" "First of all, if someone hits you that isn't love. Real love is healthy and it makes you feel good. Second of all, what kind of pseudo-intellectual teacher, after hearing about a girl being abused, who he could possibly help, decides -- rather than giving aid or useful advice -- to try and sound clever by saying an overgeneralized, mawkish catchphrase? I mean for the love of all that is good, at least call the police. That's the least you can do." "I think that happened." "Did it?" "I don't know. I kinda tuned out after some hoe squeezed out a baby. To tell you the truth that book was sort of retarded. I surmise it was made for dumb, self-absorbed, suburban white kids." "Like Catcher in the Rye?" "It is not at all like Catcher in the Rye; you bite your tongue, you dick bag!" Joseph zipped up and took his time walking to the counter, where the sink was. "What's a dick bag?" "What?" "I mean really what is that? A dick bag?" "What do you mean?" "Is it a bag made out of dicks, or is it a bag that carries dicks?" "Erm, the former, I think. It would probably be a bag that carries dicks. My logic is a garbage bag carries garbage, so a dick bag would carry dicks." "Now, when you call me that, is it full or empty?" "Full, I guess." "That's really insulting, Ariel. You mermaid." "I told you not to call me a mermaid!" Ariel kicked open the door to the men's washroom and faced off with Joseph. He looked nervous. "Hey, uh, you're not allowed in here," said Joseph. "Men only." "What if I'm transgendered or transsexual?" said Ariel. "Or a she-male?" "That would make sense," said Joseph. "I was being hypothetical!" said Ariel. "Please," said Joseph, "I don't want to hurt you." "You, hurt me? HA! With a capital 'H' and capital 'A'!" "Why, what do you know about harming anyone?" "I have trained and studied several deadly martial arts." "Like?" "Boxing, Muay Thai, Wing Chun, Krav Maga, Taekwondo, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Japanese Jiu Jitsu, Wrestling, Judo, Kendo, Ninjutsu, Eskrima, Parkour, Wado Ryu Karate, Yoshinkan Aikido, and the discipline of Parkour, which isn't a martial arts, but it adds to my skills." "What the? How can one person learn that many martial arts? That's at least 15." "Do the math. I do six classes of different martial arts on the weekend, for six hours, and then two classes each day for the weekday. It adds up." "Is it effective?" "I've been doing it all since I was six. That's ten years under my belt. 7,680 hours of training. At 10,000 hours, according to Malcolm Gladwell, that is when I become a pro. When I turn 19 I'm going to enter the UFC." "The UFC doesn't allow women." "I'm going to fight my way in." "I dunno. You don't look too strong." "I'm strong, you just don't know it. I have hidden muscles beneath my beautiful, womanly body.

I can crush your testicles." "Please, not in here." "Get ready for my drop kick Murphy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "The wha --" And Ariel drop kicked Joseph to the floor. He went down with an ooomph! As he held his now sore gut, the door to the washroom swung open. Adelphius came in bewildered at the sight he was seeing. "I hope that's a real feminine looking boy," he said. "Hello, Mr. Goode," said Ariel with a perfect smile. "You're probably wondering what I'm doing in here. I'm just helping Joseph off the floor. I heard a noise and rushed in to help him." Ariel went over to Joseph and helped him to his feet. "Are you okay?" said Ariel to Joseph. "I, oh so, hope you are." "What a polite, young girl," said Adelphius. "Brave too. You risked ruining your reputation, so you could help out my son." "Like Jesus said," said Ariel. "With great power comes great responsibility." "Why, wait a minute," said Adelphius. "Yes?" said Ariel. "Ain't you Bob's kid?" said Adelphius. "Bob Fry," said Ariel. "That's right. "Oh, wow," said Adelphius. "He's Father Logan's brother! I feel like I'm talking to a celebrity right now." "I could put in a good word for your to be an usher," said Ariel. "Mr. Xiu-zow-bu is retiring soon." "Would you really?" said Adelphius. "But, dad," Joseph groaned. "Now, now," said Adelphius, "as much as I enjoy listening to Father Logan, doing my duties for the church would be mighty fine. By the way, where is Mr. Xiu-zow-bu at the moment?" "Probably playing dice outside," said Ariel. "What a man," said Adelphius. He went to take a pee, without regard to Ariel or Joseph. "Dad, not in the sink," said Joseph. "You know I got a phobia," said Adelphius, leaning forward and peeing in the sink. "The sink is the cleanest place in a public washroom... Hey, you think Jesus could turn pee into wine? Would you ever consider drinking wine that was once pee?" "No," said Joseph. "What if it was Jesus' pee?" said Adelphius. "No," said Joseph. "What if you were in the desert and starving?" said Adelphius. "Not if I were only starving," said Joseph. "What if you could gain magical powers?" said Adelphius. "Like you could fly afterward?" "For how long?" said Joseph. "Uhhhh, ten hours?" said Adelphius. "But you don't have to use it all at once. And you can fly well enough to carry another person with you. Two, if they ain't fat." "Okay, fine," said Joseph. "I would for ten hours of flying." "Ha-ha! You drank pee!" said Adelphius. Joseph groaned. Adelphius got out of his squatting position, and came down from the sink. After which he began washing his hands. Thankfully with soap. "Excuse me," said Ariel. "I must be going now. So many things to do on this very find Sunday." "Good bye," said Adelphius. "Don't forget to put in a good word for me!"

"I won't," said Ariel, and she left the men's washroom. 9:00 AM. Church was finished and the Goode family were just leaving. They walked ahead at a leisurely pace -- much to Emily's chagrin. You could tell that she felt this way, because of the wide chagrin that she clearly had on. "What an interesting mass we had today," said Emily. "That Father Logan definitely knows his stuff," said Big Pa. "What did you think of it?" said Sarah to Joseph, Joseph, who was looking a bit cagey. "Uuuh, it was dandy," said Joseph. "I liked the part where Jesus slayed the dragon with his sword." "Yes, sir," said Big Pa, "Jesus Christ slaying the 666 beast with his sword of justice and mercy. It's a fantastic story." "I don't remember any story like that," said Emily. "He didn't mean it literally," said Sarah. "Literally?" said Emily. "It means something that's exact," said Sarah. "Without secondary meanings, little one." "I see," said Emily. "Boy, howdy, am feeling famished," said Adelphius. "Anyone else?" "I can cook some eggs and bacon when we get home," said Emily. "Nuh-uh," said Adelphius. "We oughta go out and eat. Save you the trouble" "It's no trouble," said Sarah. "Mom," said Joseph, "take a rest, please." "But only on y'all's insistence," said Sarah. "Is everyone okay with eating out?" "I love eating out," said Big Pa. "Where we gonna go?" said Emily. Adelphius and his clan had reached their car. They started packing in. "I dunno," said Adelphius, as he got into the driver's seat. "Where'd you like to go today? Lot of places are closed on account of it being the Sabbath. Christians Sabbath by the way, not Jewish Sabbath, which is Saturday." "Got yah," said Joseph. Adelphius reversed out his parking space, and headed for the road to leave church. "I know," said Big Pa. "Why don't we go to Tim Hortons?" "We always go to Tim Hortons," said Joseph. "It's good eatin'," said Adelphius. He maneuvered his car onto the road. "But am feeling like eating something else today." "McDonald's?" said Emily. "They have new toys." "Something a bit more high class," said Joseph. Sarah went into her purse and took out some coupons. "I know," she said, "how about Jojo's Greasy Rib Shack? I have some 2 fo 1 coupons. And I believe they indirectly buy meat from us." "I dunno," said Joseph. "What are their vegetarians options?" "It's settled," said Adelphius. "We're going to Jojo's Greasy Rib Shack!" Emily cheered, "Yay!" "But dad," said Joseph. "What is it?" said Adelphius. "What am I going to eat?" said Joseph. "Oh, Joseph," said Adelphius, "am sure they got potatoes, and vegetables, and other such nonsense." "It's not nonsense, dad," said Joseph. "There's a looming global food crisis. With the population

growth, we can't sustain our current habits. Meat production at this current rate is unsustainable. It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce 1 pound of meat, not to mention all the forests and jungles, which we need to breathe, and bodies of water that are constantly being destroyed." "Son," said Adelphius, "I respect your opinion and everything, but we are eating at this restaurant. I am HIV positive you will get to eat something very delicious." Meat Is Murder Moments, later, it seemed, the Goode Family were in Jojo's Greasy Rib Shack. It was a rustic, looking, Western American style place, with a lot of wood trimmings. They were sat a table in the corner, waiting to have their orders taken. They had a view of the outside through the large window that let in a generous amount of light. "Look at that," Adelphius said, pointing to the wall, "a moose head. Now ain't that fancy? Nothing could be fancier, except a jackelope." "Mm, what y'all gonna order?" said Big Pa. "I think I'll have the ribs," said Sarah. "And you, little one?" said Adelphius. "I'm not too hungry," said Emily. "I think I'll have a bread roll." "What?" said Adelphius. "Surely, you must be hungry. Ain't your mouth watering?" "Sure is," said Emily. "But I'm in no mood to eat pork today." "Is that so?" said Adelphius. "It is so," said Emily. "Fine," said Adelphius. He turned his head to Joseph. "Will our vegetarian son have the same?" "I'm not a vegan," said Joseph. "I can eat ice cream. That's what I'll have: a sundae." "Wait, I never saw that," said Emily. "Get one too." "What type of sundae?" said Adelphius. "Bacon sundae?" "A what?" said Joseph. "A bacon sundae," said Adelphius. "It's like a regular sundae, but it's got caramel drenched bits of bacon." "No," said Joseph, "strawberry will be fine." At this moment the waitress arrived. She had pink hair and a pink thong. Joseph could see it as she leaned forward. "Hey, y'all," said Britney. She took out a pencil from behind her ear. "What can I get y'all? Y'all decided to order yet? Y'all doing y'alright?" "Yes, thank you," said Adelphius. "Three orders of barbeque ribs, with drinks, and two sundaes please." "What flavor of drinks, y'all?" said Britney. "Iced tea for me," said Sarah. "Two cokes for me and my dad," said Adelphius. "And the sundaes?" said Britney. "We have bacon sundaes." "No, thank you," said Joseph. "Just a strawberry sundae for me." He looked at Emily. "What do you want?" he whispered. "Do y'all got anything in orange?" said Emily. "Orange?" said Britney. "ORANGE?!" "What's wrong?" said Emily. "Sorry," said Britney, "my cat died this morning. He was orange." "That's so sad to hear," said Sarah. "He was kind of an asshole," said Britney, "but I still miss him. I named him Garfield." "Oh, after the comic book character?" said Sarah.

"No," said Britney. "The actor who played Spiderman." "Tobey Maguire?" said Sarah. "The other one," said Britney. "The one who look like he got jizz in his hair." "Sorry," said Adelphius, "could you kindly not mention jizz just before we're about to eat?" "Sorry," said Britney. "Sorry," said Sarah. "Sorry," said Emily. "Sorry," said Big Pa. Everyone stared at Joseph. "Yes, yes, alright, sorry," said Joseph. "Thank you," said Britney, "I'll be back in a jiffy with y'all's food!" Britney left, and the Goode family remained at their table. "So, Sarah, your birthday's comin' up soon," said Adelphius, "what you wanna do on your special day?" "How 'bout we see a movie?" said Sarah. "Haven't seen one of those in ages, and the last movie I saw was some real bullcrap." "Why? What was it about?" said Joseph. "Was about some young, white, American teenagers," said Sarah. "That made it bullcrap?" said Joseph. "No," said Sarah. "What made it bullcrap was that it made the characters out to be some outcasts -- wallflowers or something as it were. But what the heck really? It didn't make any sense at all. They all had friends, they were all very, very physically attractive, they weren't poor, they could afford a car and gasoline, and they appeared to be 'getting it on.' How? What? Is that Hollywood's version of bein' an outcast or a 'wallflower'? Is that an outcast these days? A pretty, sociable white person, with a good amount of friends, from a moderate income family?" "Ah, you watched a movie for dumb American teenagers," said Adelphius. "We'll watch something better. Like, something with Jackie Chan in it. You like Jackie Chan?" "Isn't Jackie Chan retired?" said Joseph. "Or dead?" "Is he?" said Adelphius. "Well now, that's a bummer." "I know," said Emily. "How about the 'My Little Pony' in 3D?" "You know, mom," said Joseph. "A lot of these Hollywood movies aren't realistic in their portrayal of people. The main characters are always way too rich and way too good looking for what they have on their plate. They have problems that they shouldn't have in that particular position. But there are some good, realistic, films that I think you will like. I saw a trailer on the internet for this movie. I think it was called: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter 2. I thought it was fake at first, but then I searched Wikipedia, and it turns out there was actually an American president called Abraham Lincoln. Or Abe Lincoln, if you will." "We should see that," said Emily. "Am not really up for seeing a romance with the family," said Sarah. "How about we see something with action? Has Jurassic Park 4 come out yet?" "I don't think," said Joseph. "Never mind," said Sarah. "We'll decide when we get there." "And what type of cake do you want?" said Adelphius. "Ice cream cake would be good," said Big Pa. "And what type of cake do you want, Sarah?" said Adelphius. "Heh," said Sarah. "Ice cream cake is fine." Emily tugged on Sarah's shirt. "I got you a present this year. Do you want a hint 'bout what it is?" "He-he, no," said Sarah. "I like surprises."

"Aw, c'mon," said Emily. "Alright, tell me," said Sarah. Emily whispered, "It's something you put on your head. "Is it a hat of some sort?" said Sarah. Emily gasped, "How did you know? I MEAN -- no that ain't it." "Alright then," said Sarah. Sarah and Big Pa noticed Joseph staring at the waitress named Britney. "Like what you see?" said Big Pa while Sarah said nothing. "Tee-hee." "Oh, Jesus," said Joseph. "A healthy appetite for women is normal," said Big Pa. "Don't you get embarrassed. A man has his needs." "Yes," said Sarah. "As long as you don't act on it, it's fine. And by and by, how's your relationship going with that girl you're in love with from Toronto?" Joseph looked at Adelphius. "Dad," said Joseph. "Did you tell mom?" "I never promised to keep it a secret," said Adelphius. "Well, the thing is I crossed my fingers." "That's something a child does," said Joseph. "I got in touch with my inner child then, okay?" said Adelphius. Sarah leaned forward, looking Joseph in the eyes. Her elbows on the table. "Son," she said, "I know what you're going through. I've read many books in my time, and I realize that you are going through a great pain of being in love with someone, who, well, quite doesn't love you. Or she does things that make you upset. Let me give you some advice, Joseph." "What is it?" said Joseph. "If you want to make a girl love you," said Sarah, "make her happy. That's why people get into relationships to be happy." "I get that," said Joseph. "That's what I'm always trying to do." "BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT," said Sarah, "you have to see other women." "Hm?" said Joseph. "See other women, and make her jealous," said Sarah. "Let her know subsconsciously that you could be taken away at any moment, thus ending her happiness. Sort of an ultimatum, if you will." "That sounds terrible," said Joseph. "But it works," said Sarah. "Why you think I got into a relationship with your father? Because I thought he was going to run off with another woman. I didn't want to lose him to anyone." "E-he-he-he," said Adelphius, "the woman I was hanging out with was my cousin." "Yes, but as a person, who doesn't like to ask questions, and jumps to conclusions," said Sarah, "I was not aware of that." "I see," said Joseph. "But anyway," said Sarah, "that's how you win her over. oh, and once you get into a relationship, let me give you a little tip." "Another one?" said Joseph. "Please, don't speak back to your mother," said Adelphius. "Hear what she's got to say. She's a smart lady." "I know she's smart," said Joseph. "Okay," said Sarah. "So, let's say you get into a relationship. But your lady -- this also works on men as well -- is a bit of a party animal. She dresses wild and she gets drunk and comes home late at night and smashes all your fine China." "Fine China?" said Joseph. "Here's what you do," said Sarah. "Use OPERANT CONDITIONING. It's a way of learning, where someone's behavior is changed based on the outcomes of their actions. They are affected by both

the negative and positive. If what they do is receive negatively they will stop it, and if what they do is received positively they will continue, or do more of it. Now, you's probably askin' how this applies to you." "I am not," said Joseph. "For example," said Sarah. "If your lady is doin' some errant behaviours, then you can use the principles behind operant conditioning. If she farts every time you're in the living room, then you can make a face. She will see this and subconsciously realize her behavior is unacceptable. Then a double whammy, if she comes into the living room, and doesn't fart, then you can smile at her. Eventually, how she behaves will change. Do you see what I mean?" "I think I get it," said Joseph. "But be careful," said Sarah. "The negative can also turn into reverse psychology. So never directly be negative about what he or she does; be subtle. But with the positive, really butter it on." "I'll keep that in mind," said Joseph. At this moment of silence, Britney returned with everyone's food. "Hey, y'all," she said. "Am back! Did y'all miss me?" The Goode Family sat up and placed away their arms. After which Britney placed down their dishes in front of them. "Mmm, looks mighty fine," said Big pa. "Thank you," said Britney, "I --" BANG! BANG! Everyone around the table looked through the window just beside. There was a person banging on the window. He was butt-naked, had hair too long, and had big words written on his chest that said: "Meat is Murder!" Underneath were smaller words that said, "Please Support PETA by Donating through Peta.org." Liam shouted, "Boycott the killers! Abandon these establishments of pain! They are the enemy!" "Oh, boy," said Britney, "not him again." "You know that doofus?" said Adelphius. "Not really," said Britney, "but every now and then he comes to visit us. He's a hardcore vegetarian." "Vegetarian, huh?" said Adelphius. His eyes went wide. He was having a flashback. Not a fantastically old one, however, as it was only about an hour ago. Adelphius, sitting alone behind the pillar in church, got up, and headed for the confessionals. After someone had left, he went into a booth available at the back, , and put his knees on the knee rest in front. He got down on his knees and then clasped together his hands. He cleared his throat when hearing the priest on the other side. He of course could not see his face, which was covered by a meshlike divider. "Yes, my son," said Father Breville. "What have you come to confess?" "Bless my father for I have sinned," said Adelphius. "It has been 1 week since my last confession. I come to you to ask for forgiveness, and pray to God for his mercy." "What have you done within last week?" said Father Breville. "My heart is full of hate," said Adelphius. "Why?" said Father Breville in his soft, gentle voice. "Ever since my son has returned from Toronto, I have been more irritable than usual. I can't watch the news like I used to. It just done make my blood boil." "Go on." "I see those Yankees on TV and I just want to burn down their White House down. They're

awfully ignorant. Them Americans always wanna make things simple -- black and white -- even for issues or ideas that should not be so simple. They just wanna have bare bones while leaving out the flesh. It's maddening. I wish they could be more like Canadians." "Hm, I have to say, that's quite an odd reason to be angry." "Is it?" "Do you think maybe your anger is being misdirected? Maybe it's really because of something else? And that's why you're so irritated and full of hate?" "I, I dunno." "Are you sure?" "Oh, God, Father! My son's a vegetarian!" "Thou shalt not say the Lord' name in vain." "Pardon?" "Never mind. So, your son's a vegetarian?" "Yeah and it's tearin' me up inside. I sell meat for a living. This is like a slap on the butt." "I think it's the face." "I think a slap on the butt is far more disrespectful." "Anyhoo, I think that you need to accept your son for who he is. You can't be a hater just because he likes to eat vegetables." "Did I mention that he's an atheist?" "WHAT?! WHAT?! BURN THAT SINNER IN HELL!" "Only a joke, Father." "It isn't funny." "How many prayers will I have to say?" "Zero for being angry at your son - I advise you forgive him - but ten Hail Marys and five Our Fathers for telling me that he was an Atheist." The flashback ended. Adelphius shook his head, and returned to reality. Liam, the nekkid animal rights activist, continued shouting from outside, "The wrongdoers and animal slaughterers creatively justify their wrongdoings, so that they can think they're doing good. They say they're feeding people so it's okay, but they're really just killing others for their own gain! It's like when the military bombs other countries for oil and mineral, and then say they were fighting Taliban and Alqaeda! That was not their primary mission!" Adelphius grumbled, "The Canadian military did that?" "What should we do?" said Sarah. "Should we ignore him?" "Hold on," said Britney. "I'm going to get my manager... He used to be a boxer." "Wha's that?" said Big Pa. Britney left the Goode Family and let them eat in their less than pleasant conditions. "Why are you ignoring me?" said Liam. "Do you not like my nudity?" He pressed his "wiener" against the glass. Big Pa covered Emily's eyes. "I wanna see!" said Emily. "Not until you're eighteen," said Big Pa. "This is annoying," said Joseph. "I'm gonna go outside and talk to him." Joseph stood, but Adelphius hung on to him. "Don't waste your time," he said. "You can't reason with those people." "I'll be fine," said Joseph. "I'm just going to ask him to leave us in peace." Joseph left, and went outside to meet Liam. "Excuse me," said Joseph, who was just outside the restaurant, "could I speak to you for a moment?"

"Are you from that restaurant?" said Liam. "I am," said Joseph. "Then you are the enemy!" said Liam. "You know," said Joseph, "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar." "That's exactly my problem with society." "Okay, look..." "Be quiet, you!" "I'm trying to talk to you. Instead of treating me like an enemy, don't you think you would do better to be my friend? When someone has a disagreeing opinion with you, it's better to a pal, rather than antagonizing them. If they respect you, and like you, then you might be able to change their mind about things. Butting heads does you no good." "I tried, but they were revolted at my vegetables dishes. Do people not like potato salad with vegenaise?!" "Look, as a veterinarian, and a vegetarian, and someone who cares about animals, I understand where you're coming from, and I think that --" "You're just a vegetarian?" "Hm?" "You're not a vegan! Then you don't understand the plight of animals! Unless you've entirely ridded yourself as animal products, then you are evil!" "I'm not evil. C'mon. I'm trying to sympathize with you." "And I don't get why you told me you were a veterinarian. If you are so inclined toward winning an argument, or debate, why would you show your bias by stating that you come from a position that posits you to be on a certain side? Shouldn't you try and show that you're unbiased, and neutral, and therefore do not have ulterior motives and a limited view?" "While I agree with that, that is totally irrelevant to this situation. I wasn't having an argument with you, so how would that even apply?" "I still don't like you." "Aw, c'mon." "Why should I like you when you are a bad person?" "Again I'm not a bad person." "You eat milk and cheese." "I need to get my proteins and vitamins from somewhere." "You can buy supplements from GNC. I don't see a need to eat milk and cheese. AND EGGS. Don't get me started on eggs." "Alright, I won't." "Don't patronize me." "Yes... Erm, by the way, do you think that while my family is eating you could put your clothes back on and keep it down a bit?" "And how will I get attention for my cause?" "Write a letter?" "A letter?! Nobody these days reads." "Just, please..." "I know you don't care about animals, because youre a vegetarian, and not a vegan like me, but treating animals right is not just for their benefit. We benefit too. Think about the honeybees for example. Without them we would die. So, why are we stealing their honey?" "I understand you care for animals, but do you have to be so, erm, 'passionate'?" "Without animals I would be dead. They gave me meaning in my life and made me want to live. FYI: I'm a three times attempted-suicide survivor." "Have you ever heard the phrase, 'Failure is not an option'?"

"Why, you, you, you -- !" "What's your name?" "Liam." "Liam, why don't you relax on this whole vegan thing. I know you have your views, but you don't have to cram it down everyone's throats." "You sound like one of those negro slave owners from early America." "I do?" "Yeah... 'Oh, oh, oh, I know you have your views on freedom and slavery, but could you keep it down, and accept it for what it is? Just let relax about it.' WELL, I DON'T BUY INTO IT. Eating animals is immoral, and one day, we're going to see that, and all that people who were called crazy will be vindicated for their forward, progressive thinking. Unlike you and your family." "Pal, don't bring my family into this. You are cruising for a bruising." "Yeah? Bring it!" "Actually, never mind. I'm leaving. Do whatever you want." Joseph turned around. "Wait," said Liam. "What?" said Joseph. "I shouldn't be villainizing you, you're right," said Liam. "You're a vet and you're a vegetarian -and that's better than nothing." "Thanks," said Joseph. "Would you please help out the cause then?" "How?" "Buy some raffle tickets for our contest." "What contest?" Joseph faced Liam. "Win a three day trip for two at the beach," said Liam. "That's not a very good prize," said Joseph. "Yes, it is," said Liam. "You can do plenty of fun things at the beach. Like, like take a sea foam bath." "Manitoba is nowhere near the sea," said Joseph. "Silly goose," said Liam. "It's in Vancouver." "Vancouver, huh?" "You ever been there before?" "No, but I've heard plenty about it." "Such as?" "They smoke pot and riot when they lose hockey games." "I wish I had known that before I went there last year." "Yup." "So, would you like to buy some raffle tickets?" "How much is it?" "$10 a pop." "I dunno. $10 a pop for a chance to win a mini vacation in Vancouver?" "What's wrong with that?" "Why don't I just buy some lotto tickets? At least then I could win something useful." "Yeah, because you're so special that you're going to win the lotto. Do you know what the chances of winning the lotto are? 1 in 72,000,000! When 'Lotto 6/49' said 'just imagine' they weren't joking." "Fine, I'll buy two raffle tickets, if you put on some clothes, and leave my family alone." "Deal."

Liam, in his nudity, produced a booklet of raffle tickets. He ripped off two tickets for Joseph. "Here you go," said Liam. "How, uh, where did those come from?" said Joseph. "I carry all important things on my person," said Liam. "But you're naked." "You noticed." "Yes... But I've always wondered, why? Why the nakedness?" "Animals are naked. This is how I commiserate." "Ooh, I get it. I thought it was because you were, you know, a lunatic." "Lunatic? No. I'm a graduate of Warwick University. That's where I learned about all the injustices going on in the world. Like the slaughtering of innocent animals, the war on drugs, women's rights, and the wars that we wage on other countries for our own benefit. Oh, sure, we say that the other guys are the enemy, but really who is the real enemy here? The one invading and occupying or the one defending? Hasn't it occurred that to them we maybe are the enemy? Hm?" "Wait, what's that got to do with Canada? We're not having a war on drugs, nor are we invading other countries. (Unless you're talking about North America as a whole.) And, anyway, the most recent war was approved by UN for regiment change overseas. There's a legit reason for going there." "Is there? How do you know they're not lying?" "Well... Um... I have no idea actually." "See." "Well, anyway, Canada's got plenty of women's rights. We're good with that type of stuff. Gay marriage is legal as well." "BUT THE AMINALS. You conveniently forgot to mention the aminals! That is an issue, we, Canada, as a nation, must most certainly address." "I agree. I agree. Don't know about the other stuff, but as a vegetarian, I agree that we treat animals inhumanely." "And that's why you should buy a third raffle ticket." "So, that's your game, is it?" "Please! I'll be your friend." "I don't want you as my friend. You'd make a terrible friend." "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, why do you say that?" "You're naked." "You seem to have a problem with nudity. I don't get that. Are you a prude?" "No... maybe." "You know what they say, you're born naked, and you die naked, so what's wrong with being naked?" "Okay. Fine. Gimme an extra raffle tickets. But I want you to leave this place. At least until my family and I are done eating." "Done deal. Shall we shake on it?" "No. I'd rather you not shake." Joseph took out his wallet, to pay for all three of his raffle tickets, and gave Liam three bills (notes) worth thirty loonies. "Now, what happens if I win?" said Joseph. "Visit the URL on the raffle tickets," said Liam, "and it'll explain everything. And --" A voice called out in the distance. "Hey, you!" it said. "Stop right there, eh!" It was a police officer. "Gotta go!" said Liam. "Good like to you!" "Bye," said Joseph.

The Winnipeg police officer chased Liam through the parking lot. Meanwhile Joseph returned to JoJo's Greasy Rib Shack. He went back to his seat. He folded his raffled tickets and put them in his pants pocket. "You got him to leave?" said Adelphius. "But at what cost?" said Joseph. "Guess you noticed I ate your sundae," said Adelphius. "Oh," said Joseph. You're a Winner Some days later... Sarah was asleep while Adelphius was praying. He was praying like he did when he was a kid, on his knees, by the side of the bed, with his hands together. "Dear God," he prayed. "Thank you for all that you have given me. My wife, my family, my farm, and my Canadian heritage; I appreciate it more than you will ever know. But I must ask, oh fair and wise ruler, for one more favor. Would it be possible that you make my son not a vegetarian? I would be fine if her were gay, or transgendered, or Muslim, or had no legs, but his vegetarianism is too much for me. If you can please convert him back into an omnivore that would be so, so nice of you. Or at the very least, if you cannot do it directly, please show me the way to change him back into the nice, sweet, meat eating boy that he once was, many years ago. Thank you kindly... In the name of the father, and the son, and the holy spirit. Amen." Adelphius climbed into bed with his wife, which caused Sarah to stir. "Not praying to God again to cure Joseph of his vegetarianism, are you?" said Sarah. "Yea -- nooo," said Adelphius. "Tell the truth," said Sarah. "You know how I don't much take to liars." "Fine," said Adelphius, "I did pray to you know who." "You must stop letting this get you, my dear husband. It will do you no good." "My good dear wife, I can't give up so easily. I should at least pray for a year. If He don't answer then, then I will let it go." "God don't answer prayers for people with AIDS, what chance you think you got?" "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, tsk, tsk, task -- God don't do the big things. He do the small things. He's funny like that. He likes doing small miracles, like makin' a particular football team win, or helpin' some lazy students pass their exams, so that they done graduate school." "Am not so sure about that." "Trust me. Prayin' to God is not a waste. At least not now. Let me be, won't you?" "Fine, but I think it's fine that our son's a vegetarian. What's wrong with it?" "What's wrong with it? What's wrong with it?!" "That's what I asked." "I tell you what's wrong with it; this the Goode Farm, and if Joseph don't take over it, like I did from my father, then where does our family legacy go?" "What about Emily?" "Emily's a girl. And, as we all know, women are not capable of running farms." Sarah stared a hole into Adelphius' head. Not literally of course. "What?" said Adelphius. "Oh, Sarah, my good dear wife. Am just pullin' your leg... But seriously, this is a matter of fathers and sons, not daughters." "Okay, Adelphius. You do as you please, but I won't be a part of it. I won't be the hated parent." "He won't hate me." "You sure about that? Didn't you hate your father growing up?" "That was when I was a teenager, and I didn't really mean it. I only said that because he made me cut my beard when it got to below my nipples. He said it'd be a danger around the machines and

such. Which was true, I found out, when I got my beard stuck in the pencil sharpener at school. So, I stood corrected." "Okay, still. That's entirely different. There's no reason for Joseph not to be a vegetarian. With dairy and eggs he'll be perfectly healthy." "And what journal of medicine said that?" "New England's." "Dang, that's a pretty good journal." "It is." "But still, I must persist. And when God changes Joseph, or gives me as sign as what to do, then so shall it be that I get the rabbit out of his pants...so to speak o' course." Sarah rolled away from Adelphius. "Good night," she said. "Am going back to sleep." "Good night," said Adelphius. The night passed and the next day came. Adelphius, this afternoon, came thoroughly worn into the farm house. He took off his boots and jacket, and, after going to the washroom, went to sit in his armchair. Big Pa and Emily and Roofus were there too, in the living room, watching some TV. Meanwhile Sarah was reading a book: "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies." "Whew," said Adelphius. "Animals still givin' trouble?" said Big Pa. "They calmed down now," said Adelphius. "What you think it is?" said Big Pa. "I dunno, maybe something's in the water," said Adelphius. "They kept buckin' and bronkin' all mornin' and makin' noise. I hope they ain't gots no disease." "Get Joseph to check on it," said Emily. "He's studying to become an animal doctor." "Sent him in already," said Adelphius. "He done told me he can't explain it. He said it might be the weather, that maybe a storm's a comin'. He said that when the atmospheric pressure done change, they go mad, 'cause they's sensin' danger." "But I've never seen anything like that myself," said Big Pa. "Exactly," said Adelphius. "It be something else." "How'd you get them to finally calm down?" said Big Pa. "Turned down the lights and put on classical music," said Adelphius. "Took me a while to figure that one out." "Really? That actually worked?" said Big Pa. "Maybe they thought they were going out on a date, ha-ha," said Adelphius. "But seriously, this is alarming. If it is a disease, and it starts spreading, then that means we'll have to kill off all of the animals." "All of them?" said Emily. "Even Roofus?" "Except Roofus," said Adelphius. "That sounds awful cruel," said Emily. "WATCH OUT, BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sarah briefly put down her book, "Please do not yell at the television, little one." "Sorry," said Emily, "I just get caught up in it sometimes." "Hm," said Big Pa. "But yeah," said Emily, "why's it that you gotta kill 'em all?" "They might pass on their disease to people," said Adelphius. "Can't you just treat them?" said Emily. "Help them get better?" "No," said Adelphius. "But even if we did, if we did nurse them back to health, it would be illegal to sell them as meat, and we can't afford to keep animals that aren't doing nothing. We'd go bankrupt."

"That's a shame," said Emily. "Poor Animals. WATCH OUT, BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Hm," said Big Pa. "I don't think I could ever be a farmer like you, dad," said Emily. "I wouldn't have the heart to kill of all them animals." "And what will you be when you grow up?" said Adelphius. "Maybe a nurse," said Emily. "Or a cat. I think I could would make a good cat." "You can't be a cat," said Adelphius. "Yes, I can," said Emily. "If I get the surgery and look like a cat, surely." "What that?" said Big Pa. "I'm afraid looking like a cat won't make you a cat," said Adelphius. "Looking like something is not enough to make you that thing that you want to be. If looks were everything, then that hairy Iranian woman, who done work at the supermarket would be called Mister instead of Missus... Not that Iranian women are hairy, mind you. Just that particular one." "Yessum," said Big Pa. "I saw on the news they said there were a 'pregnant man.' Let me tell you, if you're pregnant, then you are not a man. I don't care if you do got facial hair." "So I can't be a cat?" said Emily. "What's so great about being a cat anyway?" said Big Pa. "Why not a dog? Like Roofus?" Emily glanced at Roofus. "No," said Emily, "cats is where it's at." "Why's that?" said Adelphius. "Think about it," said Emily. "Number one, you can see real good in the dark. Number two, you have an incredible sense of balance, and you always land on your feet. Three, you just look so darn cute. Ain't cats the cutest?" Roofus barked as if on cue. "Cats are good for nothing," said Sarah from behind her book. "What they do that dogs do? Dogs can lead the blind around, they can sniff for cancer, they can protect your from robbers, they can search for truffles, they can do search and rescues, they can fetch your paper, the list goes on." "Okay," said Emily, "so cats ain't the greatest. But you know something? They got spirited. They're fun and they're sassy, and they don't poop all over the place." "But they're so self-absorbed," said Adelphius. "They walk all over the place as they please, and they scratch you when you try to hold 'em. They're like somebody I know. I won't say who, but her names starts with the letter 'G'." "Is it my sister?" said Sarah. "Wha', why, wha', why do you say that?" said Adelphius. "Her name starts with a 'G'," said Sarah, "and she's awfully self-absorbed. She constantly goes on about herself, and is always bragging about herself, and always putting people down, if they're not like her. Heck. You don't even have to talk to her to know how she is. You can peep into her room, and you can see all the things that she has; they're always about herself in one way or another. Did you know she's never read a book with a male protagonist? She's just that narrow minded." "I shan't be commenting," said Adelphius. "I won't get mad at you, if you agree," said Sarah. "No... No, it's okay," said Adelphius. "Admit it," said Sarah. "You don't like my sister that much." "I'm not going to comment, I told you," said Adelphius. "Tell me the truth," said Sarah. "Alright, fine," said Adelphius, "she can drive me up the wall sometimes." "Oh, Lord!" said Sarah. "How could you say such a thing? She means well, don't you know?" Adelphius sighed. Just then Joseph came running downstairs. "You guys, you guys," he said.

"Am not a guy," said Emily. "Guess what?" said Joseph. "I won that contest from those raffle tickets I bought the other day." "Oh yeah?" said Sarah. "What did you win?" "A trip for two to Vancouver," said Joseph. "Just the beach though. Not the interesting parts of the city apparently. But three days worth and it's practically free! Lodging and plane tickets included. All expenses paid." "Wow," said Sarah. "Who you gonna take with you?" "I think it's obvious," said Joseph. "I'd be honored," said Adelphius. "Huh?" said Joseph. "I'm taking Big Pa with me." "Why?" said Adelphius. "Is your father, who raised you from womb to tomb not good enough for you!?" "No," said Joseph. "It's just that, you know..." He winked. "Oh God!" said Adelphius. "I do know!" "Know what?" said Sarah. "Nothing," said Adelphius. "Nothing always means something," said Sarah. "It does?" said Emily. "You say that to me all the time." "Do I?" said Sarah. "Yes," said Emily. "Sure do." "Aaaaah," said Sarah, she scratched her nose. "I was only joking. Nothing doesn't always mean something. That's an exaggeration. A complete, and utter, absolutely, gigantic exaggeration." "Why exaggerate?" said Emily. "It's easy, I guess." said Sarah. "Path of least resistance, you know, it's a universal rule we all subconsciously follow." "So," said Joseph, "you coming to Vancouver, Big Pa? For a sea foam bath?" "No, I don't think so," said Big Pa. "Why not?" said Joseph. "I vowed never to go back there again," said Big Pa, "after I was kicked out of my band for being too good looking -- and complaining about the song that they were writing at the time. It was a song about a song and I just hated that idea. I mean making a song, and then having the lyrics mention that it's a song, it's so smug and unoriginal and self-referential. If you're writing a song, in my opinion, don't mention that it's a song. Let the music speak for itself. It's like, you know, when writers write about writers, or a movie is about a movie. STOP DOING THAT. You are breaking the fourth wall." "What's the fourth wall?" said Emily. "You know in a theater?" said Big Pa. "Not like a movie theater, I mean a real theater." "Yes?" said Emily. "Well," said Big Pa, "there are four walls surrounding the actors. The one to their back, the left, and right. Then the one in front of them, which is imaginary. It's the fourth wall. That's what keeps them separate from the audience. If they talk to the audience they are breaking the fourth wall." "I see," said Emily. "So, now who do I take with me to Vancouver?" said Joseph. Adelphius cleared his throat. "Mom?" said Joseph. "Ain't nobody got time for dat," said Sarah. "Huh?" said Joseph. "I can't," said Sarah. "I've too many things to do." "Emily?" said Joseph. "I'd rather be at home," said Emily.

Adelphius crossed his arms. "Roofus?" said Joseph. Roofus, the family dog, somehow shook its head. "Now c'mon," said Adelphius. "Am I really your last choice?" "Dad," said Joseph, "you run the farm. I can't possibly have you taken away. You have a lot of duties to do." "Oh, if that's what you were thinking," said Adelphius. "I guess it's okay." "But it would be nice if you could go with me," said Joseph. "I don't know," said Adelphius. "Don't you got any friends?" "Yeah, but all they do is work and spend time with their girlfriends," said Joseph. "They don't have time for any male bonding." "They are are missing out," said Big Pa. "Male bondage is one of the best experiences you can have in life. You connect with another person in a way that you cannot with someone of the opposite gender." "Hmmm," said Adelphius. "Alright, never mind," said Joseph. "I'll go alone, since you're all too busy." "When is it anyway?" said Adelphius. "A couple days before mom's birthday. We'd be back before then for sure." "But how will everyone manage without me?" said Adelphius. "I'll pick up the slack," said Big Pa. "I know how to run an animal farm just as good as you, son." "I don't know," said Adelphius. "Go!" said Big Pa. "Me and Sarah will manage everything." "Those bags of feed can get mighty heavy," said Adelphius. "I only gotta carry it a couple feet to the feeder," said Big Pa. "It's not a big deal." "I'll help too," said Emily. "Am not comfortable with this idea," said Adelphius. "I'm not twisting your arm," said Joseph. "But we, like Big Pa said, we can do some male bondage." Joseph slapped the arm of his armchair. "That settles it," he said, "we're going to Vancouver! Son and Father! Wooo! Yeah! Vancouverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" The Flight After Adelphius and Joseph said their sweet goodbyes to their family, they got onto their airplane. They put their bags into the available overhead compartments, and promptly took their seats. In no time they were up in the air, looking down on Canada, but not exactly looking down on Canada; so, their flight was well underway. "Wow," said Joseph, "we're actually going to Vancouver." "First time?" said Adelphius. "I haven't been on any clandestine trips in the years that you've known me," said Joseph. "I knew that," said Adelphius. Joseph let out a breath. "Almost two hours to kill," he said. "What inflight movie are they playing?" "Why is it an inflight movie?" said Adelphius. "What do you mean?" said Joseph. "Shouldn't it just be a movie rather than an 'inflight movie'?" "No. They edit the movies on the airplane. They're even more edited than what you see on TV."

"Oh?" "Yeah, they cut out all the naughty bits. And they dub over the foul language." "Examples?" "Well, in Pulp Fiction. In the regular version Sam Jackson says to the guy, 'Say what one more time, mother fucker!' In the inflight movie version he says, 'Say what one more time, mother father!' Then when he's about to die, they cut to a Irishman doing the Charleston on the Giant's Causeway." "That seems reasonable." "Oh, here comes the flight attendant... Excuse me, Miss, do you know what movie we'll be seeing on this flight?" The Flight Attendant, Cindy, smiled. "Why, yes," she said. "Today we'll be seeing 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Asskaban." "Excuse me," said Joseph, "did you say ASSkaban?" "Yes, ASSkaban," said Cindy. "Sounds like a pornography," said Joseph. "Yes, it is." "Are you serious?" "Yes, this is a low budget flight. We can't afford actual movies. All we have to entertain everyone is pornographic movies." "But... That's so gross." "Not at all, young sir. 70 to 80% of men watch pornography. It's very mainstream now. We haven't had any complaints the last time." "But..." "One moment, please, I have to attend to something." "Okay." Cindy left and went down the aisle. Joseph scratched his head, wondering if he had really heard right. Adelphius, meanwhile, was trying to push off the sleeping obese fellow that was leaning againt him. "A little help?" said Adelphius who was being crushed at the shoulder. Joseph got up and pulled the obese man, so that he would lean to the other side (where another person was sleeping), then went back to his seat. "Thanks," said Adelphius. "I couldn't have done it without you." "No problem, dad," said Joseph. "Well now," said Adelphius, "when's the movie starting?" "You want to watch the Prisoner of Asskaban?" said Joseph. "It's a porno, you know that?" "Aw, it might be entertaining. I haven't seen a porno since your mother and I got together." "Really?" "Yeah. I've been 100% faithful since day one." "And this doesn't count?" "Lord no. They're playing it and there's nothing I can do about it. According to the rules, it is not my fault." "Some rules you got there." "Quiet down please, son, it's coming on." At the front, on the wall, a white screen slowly rolled down. As the passengers readied to see a hardcore, pornographic movie, the sound of babies everywhere (it seemed) started to blast. The obese man beside Adelphius woke up. He shook his jiggly head, and wiped back his comb over. "Argharghur!?" went Curtis. "What's that blasted noise?" Curtis stretched his neck and saw an Indian family. There were one set of parents, and ten babies, all crying at the same time. "Jesus Christ," said Curtis. "How many kids they got? Like fifteen!"

One person turned around to face the large, Indian family. "Excuse me," Mahmood said politely, "but I'm trying to watch this movie. Would it be possible to get your babies to stop crying?" "Fuck you," said the Indian woman. "They're babies, what could I possibly do? If you want to watch your stupid movie, then go ahead, but do not be an asshole and try to boss me around." "I respect your opinion," said Mahmood, "but that is quite rude of you to say." "That's it, you're in trouble," said the Indian woman. "I'm telling on you, you fucker." "And what would happen?" said Mahmood. "Asshole," said the Indian woman, "you are going to get in trouble. Everyone loves babies. They'll take my side no matter what." "We'll see about that," said Mahmood. The Indian woman flagged down the flight attendant named Cindy. "Yes," said Cindy. "How may I help you?" "This man is bothering me," said the Indian woman, pointing to Mahmood. "He is bothering my precious babies." "There are ten babies," said Cindy. "Technically, they're not precious." "Either way," said the Indian woman, "he is being an asshole, and I want him to be gone. Throw him off the airplane and into the Pacific Ocean." "I'm afraid I can't do that," said Cindy. "You call this customer service?!" said the Indian woman. "All your babies are flying for free for some reason," said Cindy. "What more do you want?" "A name at least," said the Indian woman. "Why am I 'the Indian woman'?" "I can't help that," said Cindy. "This is an outrage!" said the Indian woman. "Again, your babies are making noise, and making the cabin smell with shit," said Cindy, "and they're flying for free, it is not an outrage." "An outrage!" said the Indian woman. "Hold on, let me speak to the captain," said Cindy. Cindy left for a moment, to see the captain, and then returned. "Okay, ma'am," said Cindy to the Indian woman, "it appears that I'm wrong. Your babies, despite you having ten of them, are all very precious, and they must be given preferential treatment despite having done pretty much nothing in life... Also, the captain's wondering how you can have so many babies, who all appear to be of similar age... I took a picture when you weren't looking by the way." "I had two sets of quintuplets," said the Indian woman. "It was a world record. My vagina is pretty much a curtain now." "So, what are you going to do about all this?" said Mahmood. "They're babies," said Cindy, "and the mom is too lazy to do anything about it, and apparently being a mom is the hardest job in the world, so we have to have extra sympathy for her, even though it was her choice to become a mom for the selfish reason of passing on her unwanted genetics; so I'm afraid you're screwed. Would you like some peanuts?" "No," said Mahmood, "I am allergic." "I'm still angry," said the Indian woman. "I want justice! Tell him to give me his seat!" "You are not having my seat," said Mahmood. "If you wanted this seat you should have indicated that before getting on." "Get out of that seat," said Cindy. "No, no, no, it's my seat," said Mahmood. "I'm in the perfect spot to watch this movie." "Give up the seat for my babies!" said the Indian woman. "They each have their own seat already," said Mahmood.

"Yes, but I want to put my feet up on the back of your seat," said the Indian woman, "and kick it when I'm excited for the movie." "What's that got to do with anything?" said Mahmood. "If mom is happy," said the Indian woman, "then the babies are happy. Happy babies is what we all want, no? NOW, MOVE, FUCKER!" "Is this for real?" said Mahmood. "I have to give up my seat? For her? Just because she's a breeder?" "It's a cruel world," said Cindy, "but don't worry, we'll let you sit in the cargo area with all the animals." "It's terrible there," said Mahmood. "Oh yeah, lots of them die," said Cindy. "But what do I care? I'd eat them, if I could." "Fine," said Mahmood, "but I think this is wrong." "Aaaah, shaddap," said the Indian woman. She put her feet up on Mahmood's seat and started kicking it, beckoning him to leave, and he did. He went down the aisle and went into the cargo area, where the animals were. He had to go down through a hatch on this particular model of Air Canada airplane. "Much better," said the Indian woman. She put her finger on mouth and said "shhhh" to her babies. They all quieted immediately. Adelphius, meanwhile, was far across, watching this whole spectacle. "The nerve of that woman," said Adelphius. "She thinks just because she's a baby factory she can push people around like that." "Are you going to do anything about it, other than complain?" said Curtis, the fat man beside Adelphius. "Heck no," said Adelphius. "I don't wanna be put in the cargo area." "And that's how butt-holes get their way," said Curtis, "no one wants to stand up to them." "Are you going to do something?" said Adelphius. "No," said Curtis, "I'm too fat. My legs might collapse while walking through the aisle." "Then it's settled," said Adelphius, "we let sleeping dogs lie...and be jerks." "Shhh," said Joseph, "here comes the best part of this movie. On screen the pornographic movie -- the Prisoner of Asskabana -- was playing. There were the characters Whorey Potter and Whoremione Jean Granger. They were hanging out in Whoregrid's Hut. "Mmm, you're lookin' mighty cute in them jeans," said Whoremione. "You have fantastic tits yourself," said Whorey Potter. "Shall we get naked, and make out with each other in silver paint then?" "I don't kiss," said Whoremione. "I only suck and fuck." Whoremione pulled down Whorey Potter's pants. "Show me that flesh wand!" said Whoremione. "Wingardium Leviosa my cock!" said Whorey Potter. Whoremione took out her wand and spontaneously shoved it up Whorey Potter's butt. An explosion of fireworks came out through his anus. Then just as he was about to blow his spunk into Whoremione's fantastically frizzy hair, Whoregrid the giant entered into his own hut, and then figuratively impaled the both of them on his one giant wiener. Then his large pet spider arrived... Adelphius now had his eyes closed. "Oh God," said Adelphius. "Save my soul from sin." "This is really weird," said Joseph. "I mean really... You're a wizard. Why do the production values look so low?" "Excuse me," said Curtis to Joseph, "do you mind if I touch myself?" "Yes," said Joseph, "actually, I do."

"Aw, gee," Curtis. "Not for pleasure. I have something stuck in my bottom. Hang on a minute now." Curtis, without regard for Joseph, or Adelphius, or the other man next to him, reached down into his pants and started grunting hrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnn! then pulled out a blue latex glove. "Did you just pull a glove out your butt?" said Joseph. "Yeah," said Curtis, "I guess the airport security crew must've left it in there while groping me. They grope you too?" "No," said Joseph. "Really?" said Curtis. He flung aside the glove that once saw the horrors of his buttocks. "Okay, I lied," said Joseph. "They did grope me. But guess what? I don't have prostate cancer." "I don't have it either," said Curtis. "It's a shame that this is how the government's saving money," said Joseph. "I don't know," said Curtis. "I think it's clever, giving people prostate exams while checking their anuses for bombs. It solves two problems at once." "Two birds with one stone?" said Joseph. "Exactly," said Curtis. "Or maybe three birds?" said Joseph. "How so?" said Curtis. "Tax savings too," said Joseph. "Ha, yeah," said Curtis. He grinned. Then a voice came over the intercom. "Testing, testing, one, two, three," said Captain Bob, his voice filtered through the speakers. "Hello, everyone. This is your captain speaking. I hope you're all doing well this evening. I'd like to inform you that we are headed into a light storm, and I ask that all persons on board, including staff, put on their seat belts, as we may be having a slight amount of turbulence. However, it is nothing to worry about. Thank you very much. End transmission." "I've never been on a flight that's had turbulence before," said Adelphius. "What's it mean exactly?" "The plane shakes a little," said Curtis. "It's no big deal. I don't think you even need to put on your seat belt." "I think we should," said Joseph. "Light storm," said Curtis. "Probably some rain. No biggie." "God will keep us safe," said Adelphius. "Yes, with seat belts," said Joseph. "Doubt you the powers of God?" said Adelphius. "Really?" said Joseph, skeptically. "Only kidding," said Adelphius. He put on his seat belt. Joseph did too. Curtis tried but couldn't do it. "Piece of shit," said Curtis. "These seat belts are too small. Who do they think flies on these airplanes? Anne Frank?" "Anne Frank?" said Joseph. "I think you need to get the extender," said Adelphius. Curtis raised his hand and snapped his fingers, "Stewardess! Stewardess! My belt can't fit! They're much too small! No, it's not my fault it can't fit; it's your fault!" The flight attendant, Cindy, who was in her own seat, buckled in, yelled back, "How dare you call me a stewardess! You fat Jewish pig! Do your own belt buckling!" "I'm not Jewish!" said Curtis. "I'm African American!" "You don't look very African American," said Cindy, "you look like a white person!"

"I'm an American citizen," said Curtis, "who was born in Africa! Skin as white as delicate snow, but still African American! Is that not what an African American is?!" "African American is a politely correct term for black people," said Cindy! "What the hell," said Curtis, "what about black people, who aren't from Africa?!" "Technically," said Cindy, "we're all from Africa! Out of Africa theory, you heard of it?!" "Yah!" said Curtis. "On the 'The Learning Channel' back when it was actually a learning channel, and not some bullshit channel that shows shows like 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.' Like what the fuck is that shit? So, anyway, the theory goes, apparently, humans started off in Africa, and then we all migrated, and spread around! How neat is that?!" "Very neat!" said Cindy. "But I'm still offended that you called me a stewardess, so you can piss right off! GOD! My throat is so hoarse! All this yelling and all these exclamation points!" "Never mind!" said Curtis. "I don't need your stupid belt extender!" "You can get the extender!" said Cindy. "It's down the aisle! It's available in the closest galley!" "What's a galley?!" said Curtis. "It's like a kitchen!" said Cindy. "How far is it!?" said Curtis. "I dunno," said Cindy, "20 feet?!" "Never mind," said Curtis, "I'll be fine!" As soon as he shut his mouth, the airplane started shaking. "Oh, Jesus," said Adelphius. The airplane lights turned on and off, on and off. All the passengers were starting to sweat as the windows around them went black, and lightning and thunder struck. "Not to worry," said Captain Bob over the speakers. "It's just as I expected. There's a 60/40 chance we're all going to die." "60/40?" all the passengers, it seemed, mumbled to themselves. "Now, you're probably wondering, how that's split," said Captain Bob. The airplane began makign funny noises, and wobbling a significant amount. "Welp," Captain Bob continued, "we have a 40% change of not crashing. However, we are over a body of water, so that may in theory cushion our blow. However, I would like you to know that in actuality that is not a theory. A theory, actually, is not a guess or estimate at something. A theory -- as per the scientific definition -- is really a concrete idea and analysis, based on quantifiable observations, and mathematical formulas. Just letting you know is all. End transmission." "I'm scared," said Adelphius. "Help me, Jesus!" "Relax, dad," said Joseph, "we'll come out of this fine, I'm sure." Suddenly -- yes, suddenly, I used that word -- the airplane went belly up. Curtis fell out of his seat and bonked his fat head on the ceiling, which had now (for all intents and purposes) become the floor. "Ow!" said Curtis. "But thank God I'm so thick; my blubbery body has protected me, while a skinny man would have been seriously injured." The plane turned again, and this time went back to its regular position. Curtis landed back square in his seat. Oof! "Do you think they bought it?" Captain Bob whispered, not knowing he was still on speaker. "Yeah. I know, I know. Just keep it down until we land, okay? Hey. Is this thing still on. Son of a...." "What was that all about?" said Joseph. The cabin lights for the airplane turned back on. "I don't know," said Adelphius. A man screamed, "There's a monster on the wing of the airplane!" "What?" said Joseph.

Joseph and Adelphius and Curtis looked ahead in the aisle. They saw a man, with a tinfoil hat on his head, running down and screaming, "A monster is on the wing of the airplane! It's what caused all this turbulence! Protect yourself with any dangerous object you can find! Sweet mama, save me!" "Not another nut job," mumbled Curtis. "If I had a dime every time this happened..." "I can hear you!" said the man running down the aisle. "You rude, rude man!" A curtain, separating the classes on the airplane, pulled open, and an air-marshal appeared. He charged the man raving about monsters and tackled him to the ground. "Get off of me!" said Winston. "I'm trying to warn everyone about the imminent dangers!" "Be quiet," said air-marshal Kirkpatrick, and he zapped Winston with a TASER weapon, disabling his muscles, and ability to speak. Adelphius and Joseph, who were watching, cringed at all the twitching and hairs standing on end. Vancouver The airplane had landed. The man who was crying monster on the airplane was hauled off on a stretcher, still kicking and screaming. Meanwhile, Adelphius and Joseph took this time to catch a cab. They caught a cab, and both sat in the back with their luggage. (There wasn't a lot, as they both seemed to be minimalists.) They told the driver, where they needed to go -- the beach -- and they began their journey onto the road. "You're staying at the beach, eh?" said the cab driver named David. "I went to the beach once, a shark ate my arm." "Ah, so that's why you have one arm," said Joseph. "I got him back though," said David as he weaved through traffic. "I went to a Chinese restaurant and ate all the shark fin soup I could. I'm 70% sure that he was caught and stripped of his fin." "Never tasted that before," said Adelphius. "Is it any good?" "Not really, no," said David, "but it tasted like justice. BEACH JUSTICE. Which is where the you two are going of course, and I hope you enjoy it. The lodge you'll be staying at is quite nice as well. Lots of tourists and seagulls stay there." "How far is it from here?" said Joseph. "You wanna know how much it costs?" said David. "Good guess," said Joseph. "Not worry," said David, "I won't be charging you an arm and a leg. Get it? Because I have one arm... Ah, fuck, I made myself sad..." "Otay," said Adelphius. "Yeah, it won't be much," said David. "Maybe $50.00." "That's a lot of money," said Joseph. "Is it?" said David. "Not if you consider the price of gas these days. It keeps going higher and higher. Makes me think that maybe we should switch to a new fuel. How about human gas? You put a pipe up your butt, and fart, and that fuels your automobile." "I don't think anyone wants anything about their butt," said Joseph, "no matter the savings." "Probably," said David. "By the way," said Joseph, "do you take 'Cab Bux'? Because we were given some 'Cab Bux' for this trip, but I don't know if you take it. I read online that most cabbies don't accept them." "Correctomundo," said David. "I do not accept them." "Rats," said Adelphius. "But why make them in the first place if no one's gonna take them?" said Joseph. "Some people take 'em," said David. "But you gotta catch the right cab company. It's like, umm,

gift certificates. You take something that's almost universally accepted, money, and then convert into something that can only be spent at one place." That doesn't make sense, why don't people just give money then?" said Joseph. "The gift certificate, or gift card, if you will," said David, "is to show someone that you care enough to go out and get them a present, but not enough to get them the thing they actually want. It's one step above money, it is, yet one step down." "That is ridiculous," said Joseph. "I'll tell you what's ridiculous," said David, "we're already at Mongcock Beach." "But you only been driving for five minutes," said Adelphius. "That's right, five minutes of driving for $50," said David. "What a world we live in. Now pay up, and give a big tip, or I'll get my baseball bat out of the trunk, and use it to break everyone's legs." Joseph whispered to Adelphius, "What type of tip should we leave?" Adelphius whispered back, "Take whatever you have, throw it at his face, and run like hell. On the count of three: 1, 2, 3... GO!" Joseph threw a wad of bills at the driver, grabbed all the luggage, and then he and Adelphius literally jumped out of the taxicab, and made a run for it. They ran and ran down the beach, until they surmised they were out of sight. They stopped to catch their breaths by the shoreline. As the water crashed against their legs, Joseph looked back. There was no one in sight, the only thing that could be seen was sand. "Yeah," he said, panting, "I think we've lost him." "Did you hear that?!" said Adelphius. "He was going to break our legs!" "That's not very Canadian-like of him," said Joseph. "He's probably an American," said Adelphius. "But we're in Canada." "Americans come and visit Canada." "As taxicab drivers?" "Probably came across from the border illegally, and is trying to steal all our jobs." "Does that actually happen?" "Them Mexicans go up to American to get work, why wouldn't Americans do the same but with Canada?" "I think it's unlikely, but, um, yeah, why don't we find our beach house?" "Sure thing." Joseph and Adelphius started slowly walking along the beach, with their luggage, which seemed devoid of people, and full of gulls. They looked ahead, looking for their beach house, which was a part of the prize that they had won. They could stay in it for their full three days. "Do you see the beach house?" said Joseph. "Nothin'," said Adelphius. "It's like a desert out here. I'm so thirsty." "You drank water int he airport," said Joseph. "Yes," said Adelphius, "but it was Dasani. That's just filtered tap water, put in a fancy plastic bottle. I want spring water: Aberfoyle Springs." "The brand Aberfoyle Springs doesn't exist anymore." "No?" "It's now Nestle Pure Life." "Ooh, I hate that. American companies coming into Canada and buying out Canadian brands, and relabeling them. What's wrong with the name Aberfoyle?" "I think Nestle is a Swiss company." "Yes, but it sounds American." Joseph and Adelphius kept on walking. "Hey, dad," said Joseph, "did you read comic books when you were a kid?"

"Yes," said Adelphius. "I was thoroughly into the X-men." "What about Batman?" said Joseph. "Batman? No," said Adelphius. "But I did like Superman. Did you know that Superman was created by a Canadian? Joel Shuster was born in Toronto. How about that?" "And that's the only reason you like him?" said Joseph. "No, and who do you like?" said Adelphius. "Batman," said Joseph. "Which is why I asked." "Yes," sighed Adelphius, "it seems more people these days admire Batman... I think because they can relate to him. He is an inherently flawed hero, and that's what makes him attractive. When people read his stories, in a way, they feel like they can be like him, 'cause they done feel you can be screwed up, and then turn around to do something greater than yourself too. It gives them hope. Meanwhile, people done shun Superman, because Superman is too good to be true. People can't see themselves in Clark Kent. They can't see themselves in that character, 'cause they so far down the hole that he looks way beyond them. And I think that says something about society today...the shunning of Superman and the admiration of Batman, it done say to me that either: A) People have lowered their standards for what makes a hero, B) We don't care about morals as much anymore, or C)) Society is so screwed up, that we can only secretly hope to become some flawed, delusional, paranoid man, that dresses like a bat. Not that I think there's anything wrong with liking Batman, but personally I think Superman's much, much better -- yet he still loses out in the popularity race. I s'ppose I can speculate all I want about this, but I can't really know for sure. I need to ask someone that's truly qualified to answer the question... What exactly has changed in society that has made us change our heroes? Why must people only admire amazingly flawed people and characters these days? Why not someone better? Why must we look up to someone that we think is like us? What is the psychology behind this? Are we so egotistical or so skeptical that we must look up to someone, who is like us as much as possible, except in regard to their success? Shouldn't we raise the bar rather than lower it to just slightly above ourselves? Are we really that pathetic? Are we really so far removed from someone that's wholly decent?" "What about Jesus Christ?" said Joseph. "He's still quite popular." "I stand corrected," said Adelphius. As Joseph and Adelphius continued along they met a woman lying on the beach, crying. The good Christian they were they went up to her and asked what was wrong. "What's wrong?" they said. And the woman, quite a whale of a woman, wiped the snot off her nose. "I'm feeling sad," said Kim. "I can see that," said Joseph. "Why?" said Adelphius. "I miss my dear brother," said Kim. "Where is he?" said Joseph. "Another country?" "No, prison," said Kim. "What happened?" said Joseph. "He murdered someone," said Kim. "Plunge a knife into his roommate's skull for drinking off the last of the milk. Of course after they got into an argument." "Oh," said Joseph, ready to run again. "That's right," said Kim. "They put away my good old brother for life. It's not fair. How can they take him away from me? I miss him so much." "But, well, erm, he killed someone," said Joseph. "Over milk." "So what?" said Kim. "What good will it do to keep him in prison. I'm sure he won't harm anyone again. I'd make sure of that." Joseph didn't know what to say, as he did agree with the justice system's decision. "Erm...there, there," said Joseph. "I'm sure he's being treated very well in prison. After all, we're

in Canada. Not like American prisons." "Yes, siree," said Adelphius. "We got it good here, even in prison." "But what about my other brother?" said Kim. "What about?" said Joseph. "He's about might go to prison too," said Kim. "For what?" said Joseph. "He hit someone with a baseball bat after he got angry during a baseball game, and sent him into a coma," said Kim. "Wow," said Joseph. "Now he's a vegetable," said Kim. "But you know what? I don't feel sorry for him one bit. He shouldn't have been swearing like that." "Swearing's no reason to hurt anyone physically," said Adelphius. "But anyway, I think God and the jury will forgive him," said Kim, "because he is a mentally challenged. Not full blown, but there's something in his head. Might have ADHD or something other. I think that ought to get him off the hook. He deserves some mercy, he's such a sweet boy." "Pardon me," said Joseph, "but hitting someone in the head with a baseball bat doesn't make him very sweet." "Are you saying he's an asshole?" said Kim. "Because he's not. He's just a bit mentally challenged is all." "You can still be mentally ill or sick, or young, or underprivileged, and still be an asshole," said Adelphius. "I mean what's an asshole do? It shits on you, and its intentions or thoughts matters not, because you still got shit on you." "That's a way to put it," said Joseph with a sly look. "I'm just saying," said Adelphius. "Being an asshole just means you spew shit on other people and make everything stink. Mindset or anything else regardless. Like you can be the sharpest tack in the box and an asshole as much as you can be the biggest idiot in the world and an asshole. There is nothing that makes you not an asshole, if you act like one. Plus what's with this being mentally challenged thing being used as an excuse, hm? I met plenty of kids, who were retarded, and they were very, very nice. I mean really, you can be a mentally challenged asshole. Not that I'm saying we shouldn't use judgments on them accordingly; I'm just saying, you can in fact be a literally retarded asshole. Excuse my language." "Don't say retarded," said Kim. "That's mean." Joseph said under his breath, "Killing people isn't?" "What's that?" said Kim. "Nothing," said Joseph. Kim continued to sob. "Boo hoo." "What now?" said Joseph. "I'm thinking about my sister," said Kim. "What about your sister?" said Joseph. "She killed a baby when she was a child," said Kim. "Bludgeoned it to death with a plastic play phone." "Uhrm, what?" said Adelphius. "And now she's under a protection program," said Kim. "They changed her identity and everything. I hardly can see her. How I miss her too. It's not fair the justice system. Society punished her by forcing a new life on her." "Did she spend time in prison?" said Joseph. "Of course not!" said Kim. "How can you send an 12 year old to prison?! They don't know the difference between right and wrong." "I think they do," said Joseph. "Actually, cognitively you start developing an ability to know the

difference between right and wrong as early as the age of 8. Well, according to, you know, scientists." "What do they know?" said Kim. "They're stupid, and I should be able to see my sister. All she did was kill a baby. They don't even have identities at that point in their life. Killing a baby is like giving a really late abortion. Isn't it?" "If you ask me," said Adelphius, "I don't think your sister got punished enough." "What?! WHAT?!" said Kim, blubbering again. "What do you mean? It seems to be a pretty darn harsh punishment to me. Don't you have any sympathy?" "She, um, she murdered someone, who didn't deserve it," said Adelphius. "You bastard," said Kim, "you heartless bastard." ""I'm sorry to say it," said Adelphius, "but when it comes to sympathy I tend to draw the line at murder. Murder and rape and torture and grievous assault. Take your pick. That's where I put my foot down. No excuses." "But..." said Kim. "...AND attempted murdered," said Adelphius. "Why should we let people off with a light sentencing because they simply failed to do something heinous? They would have done for sure had there not been any obstacles." "You have no mercy for anyone," said Kim. "The both of you. Here I am sobbing, missing my family, and all you can do is point out how all my brothers and sister were wrong for what they did." "Well, they were," said Joseph. "They were not!" said Kim. "They all had good excuses. And if we can't live in a society, where we blame everything on everyone else, or some sort of condition, then I don't want to be on this earth anymore. To survive as a race we need excuses." "Can you hear what you're saying?" said Joseph. "You want to live in a world of irresponsible oafs, where no one is held accountable for anything they do?" "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, I say," said Kim. "After all, this is the road society is headed down. I have accepted what the higher ups have given me." "Jesus," said Adelphius. "When did we turn into this? When did we turn into a world, where the criminal is held in higher regard than the victims? Do you not see something wrong with this?" "I suppose, if you asked me to think about it," said Kim, "it's mutually beneficial to agree to a justice system, where all considerations are made for the criminals, if you're irresponsible and out of control. Which seems to be a lot of people these days. But not me. I haven't murdered anyone yet. The most I did was get drunk and plow down some old lady. She died, but who's fault is that? She shouldn't have gotten in the way of my car while I was driving drunk." "That's not mudrer now, is it?" said Adelphius. "You killed someone." "By accident," said Kim. "By accident? Any adult knows that alcohol impairs judgment," said Adelphius, "yet you chose to drink, and then have a drive." "Murder is by intention," said Kim. "That's how the law works. Look it up for Chrissakes. Outcome regardless." "But the victims," said Adelphius, "and the loved ones of the victims, doesn't anyone care what they think?" "No," said Kim. "And I'm not sure why. Maybe because the media likes focusing on the criminals, because they're more interesting, and thus we get well acquainted with them. You feel sorry for anyone you get to know enough, don't you? One day he's just a negro who shot a man in the head over a game of Tetris, and the next day you hear about his mother used to hit him with a tree branch, and suddenly you're in love, and you feel sorry for his upbringing. I think that's how it works." "So, you have any other siblings to tell us about?" Joseph said sarcastically. "No," said Kim. "But I did have an uncle who was killed in a battle to the death." "A battle to the death?" said Adelphius.

"The Iraqi war," said Kim. "He refused to fight and kill other people. He put down his gun and put up his arms in peace, and then they shot him to death." "Wow," said Joseph, "what a man of conviction. Now, that is truly moral." "Is it?" said Kim. "Yes," said Joseph. "You care so much for the safety and welfare of your fellow man that you put your life on the line, even if they are your enemy. It's a bit like Jesus isn't it?" "And you can't get more moral than Jesus," said Adelphius. "So, letting himself, basically, get sacrificed, to avoid violence," said Kim, "you think that was a good idea? A good idea that he died, so that he could avoid harming others?" "Not a good idea," said Joseph. "But he certainly is a man of principle, don't you think? What sort of person can do that? When faced with a situation of kill or be killed, he instead chose peace. There and in the after life. Not that I don't think everyone has the right to defend themselves, but your uncle is something else." "Naaaaaaaah," said Kim. "He was an idiot. Out of everyone in my family, I hate him the most. What a tool to let himself get taken out like a sucker. That little bitch." "Are you serious?" said Joseph. "Probably the best person you know, and you think he was a little bitch?" "He let himself get brainwashed about hippie bullcrap," said Kim, "that's a sign of weakness." "Yet everyone else in your family is doing a-okay?" said Joseph. "No," said Kim. "And that's why I'm crying. Also because of the onions I cut, some of which are still in my arms. I'm making a salad, you see." She indeed had a bowl in her hands. "God," said Joseph. "What's with you? Now you're blaming a poor innocent, onion for your tears? What is wrong with this world? I hate how there's always an excuse for anything. Nothing's simple these days. It's never you did something bad, so you get punished. There's always a reason why what you did was out of your control, and that it's not really your fault. What ever happened to being responsible, and apologizing, and admitting that you screwed up? And furthermore why do people think that praying to their gods will make everything fine, and that only forgiveness from some higher power matters? How about actively making right what you did wrong? How about that? How about instead of just flapping your lips, and just thinking, how about you go out and correct your errors? HMMMMMMMM?!" Joseph looked around, somewhat baffled. "Where'd she go?" he said. "She left!" said Adelphius. "You scared her off with your philosophy lessons." "I'm passionate is all," said Joseph. "After all, we as humans, must examine who we are as individuals, and question our selfishness and morality. It's like the time you bought me ice cream, but I didn't want to give it to that homeless person, and you admonished me for being so greedy. But I'd already licked it, so I figured it was mine. Also, I figure, most homeless people don't like mint chocolate chip." "What makes you say that?" said Adelphius. "If they liked mint," said Joseph, "they wouldn't smell so bad. At least that was my thinking." "How old were you again?" said Adelphius. "Nine, I think," said Joseph. "You were so immature for your age," said Adelphius. He chuckled, "Huh-huh-huh!" "Right," said Joseph. And the two continued walking along the beach. A man, with a beard large enough to cover his belly, in flip flops, went up to them with a dead raccoon. He had a huge American flag tattoo on his back. "Hello, hello, hello, and good evening," said Eighty Four. "How is you doing?" "Is your name Eighty Four?" said Joseph.

"Yeeeeeeep, parents named me that," said Eighty Four. "Back in the day people went bonkers with naming their kids after numbers. My parents were hoping 84 would catch on." "What's with the dead coon?" said Adelphius. "Ah, this," said Eighty Four, "it's for sale." "I hope you know it's against the law to kill racoons," said Joseph. "Is it?" said Eighty Four. "Welp, no matter. This was road kill. Now I'm selling him for his fur and meat. Fresh too. You can see the tire marks on his back. They haven't faded... And plus, it's organic!" "I'm sorry," said Joseph. "I'm a vegetarian. And, uh, so is my dad. The man beside me is my dad." "Say what?" said Adelphius. "So you don't eat meat at all?" said Eighty Four. "I think it's immoral," said Joseph. "What about fish?" said Eighty Four. "Fish is meat," said Joseph. "Oh, I didn't know," said Eighty Four. "The more you know," said Joseph. "So, you won't be buying my dead raccoon?" said Eighty Four. "You can use its fur. You don't gotta eat its fur." "Sorry, no," said Joseph. "Like I said. I'm a vegetarian, but that doesn't only go as far as what i eat. I have morals about exploiting animals." "What a son," said Adelphius, shaking his head. "And you think what I'm doing is immoral?" said Eighty Four. "Why are we always talking about morals?" said Adelphius. "We're Christian," said Joseph. "It's our thing." "Yeah, but can we give it a rest?" said Adelphius. "I can't, I don't know what to say," said Joseph. "I'm running out of things to say. Who can actually write a non-redundant novel of decent quality in one month?!" Eighty Four cleared his throat, "Can we get back to my raccoon?" "Right," said Joseph. "I won't be having your racoons. It goes against my principles." "What principles?" said Eighty Four. "Of not harming animals!" said Joseph. "But this critter died on accident," said Eighty Four. "No one intended to kill it. Whether you buy or don't buy my raccoon, whether you eat or don't eat it, is of no negative consequence to anyone, except maybe your stomach." "Can't do it," said Joseph. "So, wait," said Eighty Four. "Lemme get this straight. You'll never eat meat? Or buy any animal products?" "Yes," said Joseph. "What if someone offers you a dish, and otherwise it would be thrown out?" said Eighty Four. "I'd refuse," said Joseph. "Then you're just a butt-hole," said Eighty Four. "You're letting perfectly good food go to waste, and that animal then died for nothing. It'll just be rot. Principles you may have, but refusing to eat meat for moral reasons is illogical when it will be thrown into a rubbish bin, and not have any use to anyone. How could you let any animal give its life for nought?" "A couple things," said Joseph. "First, no animal gives its life for any human, particularly, when it comes to being eaten. Second, I have to refuse eating meat, even if it goes to waste, because otherwise people will get the idea that I do eat the flesh of animals, and therefore causing them to go out and buy some meat for me for later on, and that will be contributing to the demise of even more

animals. Third, if a vegetarian does refuse to eat meat, someone else, or a pet, can eat it. It's called left overs. There's no way someone will throw away a freshly made dish. They'll saran wrap it for later. I mean really, I've thought this through and through, I think it's wrong, so why are you calling my character in question for refusing a dead raccoon? Even if I was a meat eater, I sure as heck wouldn't buy what you're selling. It's disgusting. What am I a vulture? A scavenger? Plus, I can still smell the tire rubber from here." "So, no raccoon meat for you?" said Eighty Four. "I haven't eaten meat for a while now," said Joseph. "I'm not going to start the habit again with that thing you're holding by the nape." "Well! Slap my fanny and call me Sally," said Eighty Four. "We got ourselves a turncoat here. So you did used to eat meat? Oh, but suddenly you changed, and everyone else but you is bad? Sonny, you've dipped your hands in blood too! Isn't that right, Mr. Raccoon?" Eighty Four stuck his hadn up the raccoon's butt like a ventriloquist dummy. "That's right," said Eighty Four in a high pitched voice, "we got a turncoat." "I am not a turncoat," said Joseph. "I just grew up and realized what was right." "And what I do is wrong?" said Adelphius. "Now the both of you are against me?" said Joseph. "Great. You know, I'm not insane for not eating meat. Besides the benefits to us humans -- vegetarianism is better for the environment and our personal health -- I do think that what we're doing...well, what you guys are doing...is wrong. If humans were treated like animals we would be outraged. It's worse than the Holocaust." "How dare you respect the Jews!" said Eighty Four. "They gave us Steven Spielberg, and all you can do is give them lip!" "Take a chill pill," said Joseph. "I'm so angry," said Eighty Four. "I didn't know people announced their emotions," said Joseph. The man called Eighty Four, took his dead raccoon by the tail, and started swinging it around like nunchucks. "I think we better get!" said Adelphius. Then Adelphius and Joseph took to their heels and ran from Eighty Four. "Come back!" said Eighty Four. "We can still be friends!" But soon Adelphius and Joseph had escaped. They panted and wiped the sweat off their brows. They were had reached another part of the beach, which seemed to go on for ever. "What type of beach is this?" Adelphius said, breathing hard as hard as possible. "It's full of wackos. Wacko Jackos!" "I think I know," said Joseph. He pointed to a white silverish pile before the water. Adelphius was in disbelief, "Is that -- ?" "Needles," said Joseph. "A mountain of used needles." "Medical waste?" said Adelphius. "We're in Vancouver, no?" said Joseph. "Last I checked," said Adelphius. "Then it's not medical waste," said Joseph. "We're on a junkie's beach." "Huh?" said Adelphius. "Drug addicts," said Joseph. "We're on a drug addict's beach!" "Look," said Adelphius. "There's a drug addict right now." There was a little freckled girl, with ginger hair in pigtails, walking along the shore, where thousands of starfish had washed up, and got stuck on land. She was throwing them back in as quick as she could to prevent them from drying out. "Little girl!" said Adelphius. "What are you doing?! That won't help your drug addiction!" The little girl, named Anne Pippy, turned around to see the voice that was calling out.

"Hello," she said, waving in a friendly Canadian manner. "How are you?" "Could be better," said Adelphius, "but all around not too bad. What about you?" "I'm good," said Anne Pippy. "Thank you very much for asking." "What exactly are you doing with all these star fish?" said Joseph. "If you don't mind my asking." "I'm saving them," said Anne Pippy. She ran back and forth in short distances. "If I don't put them back in the water they'll die." "But there are so many," said Joseph, "surely you can't save them all. Why even bother?" "I know I can't help them all," said Anne Pippy, "but for the ones that I do rescue, it matters to them." "Hmm, are you sure about that?" said Joseph. "What do you mean?" said Anne Pippy. "Well," said Joseph, "Starfish don't have brains. Their perception of the world is different to ours. They probably don't even know what you are." "No brains, huh?" said Anne Pippy. "So they don't care that I'm putting them back into the water?" "Perhaps," said Joseph. Anne Pippy picked up a sharp branch floating in the water, and then stabbed one of the starfish. She held it to her mouth and bit off one of its arms. "Mmm, so that's what starfish taste like," said Anne Pippy while chewing. Joseph cringed. "Good lord," said Adelphius. "Do you even know where that's been? Furthermore what's it taste like?" "It tastes like..." Anne Pippy chewed. "It tastes like what I imagine a self-serving politician tastes like: slimy." On the beach a slow clap was heard. "Well now," said Adelphius, "not to bother you like this, but where are your parents, little girl?" "I don't have parents," said Anne Pippy. "I live alone as an emancipated child. I live off of government cheese." "Must be tough," said Adelphius. "Not really," said Anne Pippy. "I do whatever I want. I have ice cream for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly for lunch, and Kraft Dinner for dinner -- with ketchup and hotdogs." "That mustn't be good for your health," said Joseph. "Health shmealth," said Anne Pippy. She bit into her speared starfish again. "Live fast, die young. That's what I say." "You must be awfully lonely without a family though," said Joseph. "Nope," said Anne Pippy. "Without a family I have freedom. I get to do whatever I want. I can stay up late, eat candy, fart on people's heads, and I can visit any websites I want. No NetNanny for me, thank ye very much... Yesterday I went on IMDB and told everyone that Daniel Day Lewis was a stupid actor. You should have seen them getting all angry and annoyed. Like who cares really? Ha." "What's IMDB?" said Adelphius. "It's a website for idiotic fan boys," said Anne Pippy. "It lets you rate and get information about movies, dad," said Joseph. "I gave the Dark Knight a one star," said Anne Pippy. "And I gave one stars to all of Hermione Granger's movies. I hate that phoney, promiscuous, canker sore of a woman. She is a talentless person, who only gets by on her looks, and her fame that she won by chance. Oh and I also hate that Johnny Depp. What a smelly, smelly man." "But Johnny Depp is the premier actor of our times," said Joseph. "HE IS NOT!" said Anne Pippy. "And I gave all his 'Pirates' movies a one star! If you ask me

he's almost as bad as that girl who played skanky Hermione Granger! The only difference between them is that he actually earned his rotten position in life!" "Why do you hate Hermione?" said Joseph. "She broke my heart," said Anne Pippy. "She pretended to be such a good girl, then she pulled the rug out from beneath me. Do you know how much that hurts? It's like when I found out Santa Clause was fake." "Santa Clause you mean," said Adelphius. "Hm? Oh, yes," said Anne Pippy. "How could Hermione Granger have broken your heart?" said Joseph. "Are you telling us you're gay?" "I don't know," said Anne Pippy. "I did watch the Ellen DeGeneres show last night. Something about it got me going." "Um, either way," said Joseph, "do you know where the beach houses are?" Anne Pippy pointed with her stick that still had remnants of dead starfish. "That way," she said, "you should find 'em over there. There should be a whole lot of them. They look super triangular." "Thank you so kindly," said Adelphius. Joseph picked up his and Adelphius' luggage. "Wait," said Anne Pippy. "Aren't you going to stick around and talk some more?" "Why would we do that?" said Joseph. Adelphius whispered to Joseph, "Let's stay a bit longer. Couldn't hurt." "Alright," said Joseph, "let's chat. I shall chat you up... So, um, what are you planning on doing with your evening? Besides eating starfish?" "I will be on IMDB," said Anne Pippy, "fixing the scores of movies. Kung Pow definitely deserves less than 4 stars. I shall leave a message on their message board, letting the director know that he is retarded." "Maybe you ought to spend less time on the internet," said Joseph. "That doesn't sound really productive." "Oh?" said Anne Pippy. "Grousing about things isn't a productive use of my time? What else could I be doing?" "I dunno," said Joseph. "If I don't complain, I will burst," said Anne Pippy. "You can't tell me not to complain, because everyone else does it. It's what keeps the working and middle class going. If we didn't complain we would go mad. Mad, I tells you. why do you think rich kids go bonkers? Because no one listens to their complaints, because they're jealous that they're so over-privileged, and as a result they get hooked on Phonics." "Phonics?" said Adelphius. "A terrible drug," said Anne Pippy. "Along with krokodile, bath salts, Jamaican grass, and house music." "Sounds tempting," said Joseph. Adelphius nudged Joseph with his elbow. "Anyway," said Joseph, "like I said, spend less time on the internet. Go out and do something, like...read a book? Reading a book is always good." "Nah," said Anne Pippy. "Books these days are stupid. I read this book published by MTV once, and it turned me off into reading. It was like the author tried cramming every single teenager's issue it one book, like he was so afraid of missing a single thing, that he wanted to speak to every person. And that just made me throw up. Also, I mean, middle class white people problems. Get your shit together, people. You have it to good, and so you just have to go looking for trouble. It's like they actually like drama. That's what white people are, drama queens."

"Yes," said Joseph. "That's what we are. We're all like that." "I have a question for you," said Anne Pippy. "I want to know your adult opinions." "Yep," said Adelphius. "I don't know if this is just me," said Anne Pippy. "But are there certain things you hate, and you then hate it even more, because other people like it, and you can't understand why? it drives me mad, mad I tells you, when people like stupid things. Avatar was bollocks!" "I have to admit," said Adelphius, "I feel that way about the USA. Its popularity in Taiwan and Japan and elsewhere makes me extra angry. It's like, can't you see that it's full of war mongers and nonCanadians? How good could it be? Are you fools?! Are you daft fools?!" "Calm down, dad," said Joseph. "Americans aren't as bad as you think. For example, remember how they didn't introduce the world to Celine Dione and Justin Bieber? Ah, think about that." "I have a question for you," said Adelphius, speaking to Anne Pippy. "Mhm?" said Anne Pippy. "Do you go to church?" said Adelphius. "No," said Anne Pippy. "Why not?" said Adelphius. "I think God is made up," said Anne Pippy. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" said Adelphius. "No, he ain't!" "Why are you getting angry?" said Anne Pippy. "I think it's rude of you to say such a thing," said Adelphius. "Well, you asked," said Anne Pippy, "and I gave you an answer. You should thank me for doing that rather than being vex with me. I mean why get annoyed and angry, and raise your voice at someone, who was polite enough to take the time to give you their thought that you specifically requested? Why ask a question, if you only care to receive a particular answer? If you've already made your mind up about something, don't waste my time by querying me only to reaffirm the thoughts you already have in your head. If you ask a question make sure that you are prepared to receive any answer that you are given." "Alright, you little heathen," said Adelphius, "I guess you've got a point. Sorry for raising my voice." "I'm sorry too for being curt," said Anne Pippy. "It isn't very Canadian-like of me, now is it?" "No, siree," said Adelphius. "By and by," said Anne Pippy to Joseph, "what were we takling about before?" "I forget... The internet?" said Joseph. "By and by," said Anne Pippy. "Do you like going onto IMDB and rating movies?" "No," said Joseph. "Why not?" said Anne Pippy. "The truth?" said Joseph. "Nothing but," said Anne Pippy. "I don't use IMDB to rate movies," said Joseph. "Nor do I rely on websites like Rotten Tomatoes. I think that democratic rating systems, where everyone has an input, is incredibly flawed. The reason being that people, being creatures of habit, will only see movies that they are interested in or think that they'll like. And in most cases, if the trailer they watched is any accurate, they will in fact enjoy the movies that they go to see. And that leads to a big problem, mainly that these ratings systems must cull their data from viewers, which is predominately comprised of people who were inclined toward a certain opinion. And in my view it's like asking a Christian, if they like God. The answer will probably be 'yes.'" "I see," said Anne Pippy. "A more accurate ratings system," said Joseph, "would be to query people, who are open minded, and have seen a variety of films, without forethought to whether they would enjoy it or not.

Now that could work... But the ratings system we have today, asks the opinion of everyone who saw the movie, and the majority of them are people who only picked movies they knew they would like. They aren't seasoned movies critics, who are forced to watch every film that comes to them. There is an incredibly strong bias there... And this explains why the job of a critic has not entirely been replaced by the click of a mouse button -- because critics, collectively, can give a more objective view to the quality of a piece of artwork, because they are obligated to see everything, and not just things they know or think they'll like. The weight of their judgments is duly proportionate to amount of films they've seen." "Or maybe," said Anne Pippy, "artwork should only mainly be judged by its intended audience, no? It's like, how can a blind person judge a movie? Does that make sense?" "I might agree with that, if that didn't bring up more questions," said Joseph. "For example, what happens when the audience that once watched a movie and enjoyed it, grows up, and changes its opinion? Say for the worst? Wouldn't that invalidate the former rating, therefore rendering the value of a voluntary or democratic ratings system null and inaccurate, because the enjoyment of an artwork changes? Or perhaps, maybe, the only valid judgment of any artwork can be from the artist him or herself, seeing as their creation in a way was made only for them, and to their standards? Or maybe, just maybe, we can only rely on truly quantitative data? Like how many tickets were sold? Or how long popularity sustains? Perhaps by looking at video sales and rentals? I mean if enough people are willing to shell out cash, over an extended period of time, then that surely must mean something. That must be a good way to tell if something is good, because you can't mess with those numbers. With the internet you can use phoney accounts to get your movie, or whatever it is you, have good ratings. It's not like actual voting. One person can be a hundred people under dummy accounts. Stuff like IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes, surely, must be compromised, or prone to corruption from studios hoping to boost interest in their products. You might not think it, but, boy, think about how much actors and actresses lie all the time -- what must the producers and marketing team be like?" "I'm 12 years old," said Anne Pippy. "I don't understand these things. I get excited because of sparkly ponies. Why are you asking me these things? How is this really relevant to anything I'm doing?" "Sorry!" said Joseph. "I was only thinking aloud. I often do that." "I'm telling you it's not a good idea," said Anne Pippy. "If you talk without thinking (enough) then you'll make a fool of yourself. As they say: 'Silence is golden' and 'Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.' "Awfully preachy for an atheist, aren't you?" said Joseph. "What? You don't like Mark Twain?" said Anne Pippy. "No," said Joseph. "Really?" said Anne Pippy. "Yeah," said Joseph. "Then what do you like?'" said Anne Pippy. "I dunno," said Joseph. "You can't say you dunno," said Anne Pippy. "Well, it's true," said Joseph. "I don't really know what I like, off the top my head, but I do know what I don't like...a lot of the stuff that comes out these days. Movies. Books. Etc. It terribly annoys me." "Why?" said Anne Pippy." "Well," said Joseph, "they're always about white people and their middle class problems. I swear, what a country we live in. A country so rich and privileged that people don't know what to do with themselves. So little problems they have that they have to create new ones. Like getting addicted to drugs, being too fat, or being too skinny. These are problems fueled by wealth. I don't see those Africans on TV getting hooked to drugs, or getting overly fat, or sticking their fingers down their throat to be anorexic models...because they don't got the money or time for that. There's no time for waste, or

fancy, or stupidity. Everything you do has to make sense, because you have so little resources, and every move you make counts." "Wait, were you talking about Canada?" said Adelphius. "Canada, America, England, Australia, etc, the list goes on," said Joseph. "I won't hear this," said Adelphius. "Insult America and England all you want, but don't insult Canada." "Dad, Canada is a great country, a lot better than America, or England -- but not Sweden, Sweden's the greatest -- but we have our problems too," said Joseph. "Hmm, I don't like this down on Canada talk," said Adelphius. "I'm fighting back tears right now." "How do you fight back tears?" said Anne Pippy. "You put on your boxing gloves, invert your body, and duke it out on your eyeballs," said Adelphius. "Metaphorically speaking of course." "Interesting," said Anne Pippy. "Well," said Joseph, "we must be going now." "Aw, I was hoping you could stay a bit longer," said Anne Pippy. "We were having such a delightful conversation." "Unfortunately," said Joseph, "it shall come to an end." "Okay," said Anne Pippy. "I guess it's good bye. Good bye, old people, good bye!" "Old people?" said Adelphius. "Come along now," said Joseph, who pulled his father. Then the two took their luggage and walked away. They didn't look behind, but Anne Pippy was waving goodbye. And soon she was out of sight. Joseph and Adelphius were at another area of the beach, the place that they needed to visit, where their lodgings were kept. There were rows of houses, each which were triangular in shape. Not pyramids, but triangles; imagine that the square part of your home was cut off and only the roof left to stand. That is how they looked. But they weren't small. They had enough room to keep several oxen, only temporarily of course. Joseph went into his suitcase, and took out an envelope. From the envelope he took out a keycard. He inserted the key-card into the slot that was on the door. When the door opened, he and Adelphius went into their beach house. Inside was a shared space, with a strong surfer theme that had plenty of tropical flowers, and the colors sky blue and sunny yellow. There was a kitchenette, a washroom, a bed and a sofa that turned into a bad, as well as cabinets for storage, and a little television. There was also internet access, and a wooden desk for writing or using your computer. Joseph and Adelphius put down their luggage and closed the door. The sunlight that hit their faces came in through a circular window above the kitchenette. "This it?" said Adelphius. "I believe so," said Joseph. "Fancy," said Adelphius. Adelphius and Joseph walked around, inspecting the place. Everything seemed in order. "Dad, do you want some water?" said Joseph, noting all the running they had done. "You sure there ain't nothing in the fridge?" said Adelphius. "Coke?" "Probably not," said Joseph, "but I'll check." Joseph looked in the fridge. There was food and drink inside. He tossed Adelphius a can of soda. Adelphius looked at in bewilderment. "What is this?" he said. "I asked for a Coke." "Pepsi not good enough?" said Joseph. "Pepsi?" said Adelphius. "Pepsi is the R/C Cola of the drink world!" "Are you going to drink it?" said Joseph.

"Sure, I don't want to be an ingrate," said Adelphius. Adelphius opened his can of Pepsi. As he began drinking with a soured face, there was a knock at the door. "I'll get that," said Joseph. Joseph went to the door an answered it. There was a short, brown haired, Italian man, with a big head, wearing a crucifix around his neck. His t-shirt had a spray painted naked lady on the chest area. "Aiyooo," said Caleb. "ow you doin' ah?" "Why are you speaking like you have a stroke?" said Joseph. "I don't have no stroke," said Caleb. "Am an eyetalian, can't you see that?" "Oh, okay," said Joseph. "So you speak Italian? How do you say 'I love you' in Italian?" "How da fuck should I know that?" said Caleb. "I don't know dat shit." "You said you're Italian," said Joseph. "Yah, but I ain't no goomba." "Were you born in Italy?" "No. But my mom is Italian. Straight from Sicily. That's where the mafia came from." "And you're proud of that?" "Hell yeah. We run this town." "And what do you do for a living?" "I work at Zellers." "Didn't that shut down?" "Not yet." "I see." "So, I have an offer for you that you cannot refuse." "What is it? And why are you talking like that again? Did you pick that up from a movie? Are you sure you're not overcompensating for something?" "Eh, what da fuck. I come here to help you out and you gimme dat lip?" "Okay, what do you want?" "I should kick your ass is what I should do!" "Calm down, please calm down." Caleb breathed shallow, in and out, rapidly. "I must apologize for losing mah temper," said Caleb. "I have some self-esteem issues, which would explain my sexual appetite. You ever been in a threesome?" "Yes," said Joseph. "Really?" said Caleb. "Damnit, I mean no," said Joseph. "That's disgusting." "Different strokes." "Now what do you want again?" "Nuttin' really, but my dad told me to go around and blanket da town these here fliers." Caleb handed Joseph a flyer. "Hello, what's this?" said Joseph. He looked at the flyer he had been handed. It was a call to all farmers for a farm fair, and a 'finest animal' contest in which the farmer with the best animal would win. Any farm animal it read, as it was an absolute free-for-all. Its location: Good ol' Manitoba. "How bizarre," thought Joseph. "Yeah," said Caleb, "so if you got an animal, bring it there, or if you just wanna see how farming works have a visit." "Why are you advertising a fair for Manitoba?" said Joseph. "Because I'm from Manitoba," said Caleb. "Oh?" said Joseph.

"Yeah, we're visiting my nonna, and my pop don't like me being idle," said Caleb. "Nonna, huh?" said Joseph. "Yeah?" said Caleb. "In Chinese, I forgot which dialect," said Joseph, "noo-noo means penis. It sounds a lot like nonna, doesn't it?" "Wise guy, eh?" said Caleb. Caleb drew back his fist. Joseph slammed the door. "Who was that?" said Adelphius. He finished drinking his Pepsi. Joseph handed his dad the flyer in his hand. "He gave me this," said Joseph. Adelphius read over the flyer. "Looks interesting," said Adelphius. "You're not going to enter, are you?" said Joseph. "The prize is $20,000," said Adelphius. "It's $20 to enter. That would be a pretty good return, if you ask me. What percent is it?" "Um, let's see," said Joseph. He did some math in his head. "It's a 100,000% return, I think." "That's better than the stock market," said Adelphius. "It's better than the casino," said Joseph. "Same thing," said Adelphius. "Yes, but what are the chances of winning?" said Joseph. "I got plenty of good looking animals," said Adelphius. "Very good looking. Very, very good looking." "Oookay," said Joseph. "We're entering the contest," said Adelphius. "Do I have to?" said Joseph. "No," said Adelphius. "Thanks," said Joseph. "You know how I feel about the exploitation of animals." "But I would appreciate," said Adelphius. "I can't," said Joseph. "Plus, the strike might be over when I get back. The union is have negotiations right now." "What do they want?" said Adelphius. "Heh, what else?" said Joseph. "Money." "Those greedy, greedy teachers," said Adelphius. "It's always about money with them. Them and their sweet, sweet money. Their delicious, juicy, tasty money. They can't get enough of it, can they?" "They want a 3% wage increase to keep pace with inflation," said Joseph. "Why, the audacity," said Adelphius. He shook his fist. "But anyway," he said, "about the contest." "Dad," said Joseph, "I can't. Why do you need me anyway? What about Big Pa. I'm sure he's interested in that sort of thing. Why don't your ring him up? He's still in good shape, you know, in spite of everything." "I think he would like that," said Adelphius. "I think I'll call him up now. Does this place have a phone?" "The kitchenette," said Joseph. He began unpacking their luggage. "Heh, of course," said Adelphius. Joseph put a pineapple on the bed while Adelphius went to the kitchenette and made a phone call. He spotted the corded phone on the wall, that was the same color as its turquoise background. He picked up the received and used the rotary dial to call home. After about a minute he got through.

"Sarah," said Adelphius. "It's me. Is my father there?" "Adelphius," said Sarah, through the telephone, on the other line. Her voice sounded wary. "Am so glad you called." "Thank you," said Adelphius. "I have to tell you something," said Sarah. "But first," said Adelphius, "get my father on the line." "I can't," said Sarah. "Why not?" said Adelphius. Sarah paused. "He's in the hospital," she said. Funeral for a Father The funeral home was dead quiet. It seemed the whole town of Redwood was gathered in this single place. Big Pa, once a pillar of the community, was laid to rest in a fancy pinewood casket. Behind a lectern Adelphius said a speech, a Eulogy, for his father, who had passed away from cancer, a most invincible (it seemed) disease. "He was like a father to me," said Adelphius. Someone raised their hand. "Yes?" said Adelphius. "Ummm, ye'," said Little Joey, "is he not your father?" "I know," said Adelphius. "That's what I said." "Never mind," said Little Joey. "Continue on." "As I was saying," said Adelphius. "He was like a father to me, and he meant more to me than anything in the world, including my John Deere tractor. I would give anything to have him back. I wish that I could have been there in his last moments, but I were flim flamming it in fancy Vancouver... Nevertheless, I know that Big Pa, as he was called by his grandkids, is up in heaven, with Jesus Christ and friends, looking down on us all and smiling. Smiling, and laughing, and running on the roads that are paved in gold." When Adelphius finished his speech everyone was clapping, as if it were some sort of event. He ended on the words, "And he will always love us." Adelphius and the family, including their dog Roofus, were in their living room, in their farm house, sitting around the fire. It crackled, and glowed, and the wood seemed to jump. All were silent, unsure how to break the silence. They were still reeling from the loss of Big Pa. As the funeral was over, and the burial was done, they put a little shrine atop the television cabinet in his honor. The shrine, as it were, had a box of cigarettes, old photos, and kind words that people from all over town had sent. "Are we gonna still celebrate mom's birthday?" said Emily, finally breaking the silence. "Of course," said Adelphius. "We'll still going on livin'...but it'll sure be hard." "Mom, seeing as we've come to hard times," said Emily, "I'd like to give you your birthday present early." "Oh, no," said Sarah. "I couldn't. I should wait. I should have patience." "Please, mom," said Emily. "Maybe it might cheer up the family." Sarah looked at Adelphius, who had a vacant look in his eyes. "Yes," said Sarah, hoping the somber mood would be lifted. "Why don't we do that? Where is this birthday present you have?" Emily got up, ran away, and returned with a box. The gift wrapping was made from newspaper comics. She gave it to her mom, Sarah. Sarah put it in her lap as Roofus and Joseph watched. "I hope you like it," said Emily.

"As long as you put thought into it, I'll like it no matter what," said Sarah. "And I know you always put thought into everything." "Thank you, mom," said Emily. "That's so kind of you to say." Sarah tried not to look too excited when she opened her present, but she ripped of the wrapping paper quite furiously. Joseph caught the bundle of it which went flying in the air. It was intact enough to show a Marmaduke comic, his most hated of comics from the newspaper. "Oh, wow," said Sarah. "It's lovely." Sarah put the pink cap on her head, which Emily had given to her. "It's sure to keep me warm," she continued. "It's not for keeping you warm," said Emily. "Is that right?" said Sarah. "It's a thinking cap," said Emily. "Whenever you need to think, or do something, put it on, and it will help you come up with ideas. Isn't that neat?" "Sure as shine is," said Sarah. She looked at Adelphius. "Don't you think?" "Yes, sure," said Adelphius. As the Goode family, minus Big Pa, went back into silence the ring of a phone was heard. It was coming from the kitchen. "Shall I go and get it?" Sarah. "I'll get it," said Joseph. "You relax. You and dad relax." Joseph got up and went to the kitchen to answer the phone. He sounded excited. So excited that the family could hear what was he was saying. "Really? Really?!" he said. "That's great! That's great! That's wonderful!" Joseph said "goodbye" with kisses, and then was heard hanging up the phone, which went click. He left the kitchen and came back to the living room. He clicked his heels, despite present misery over the loss of Big Pa. "Guess what?" said Joseph. "What?" said Emily. "Kumiko wants to be my girlfriend!" said Joseph. "She broke it off with that male friend of hers and she'll be flying down to Manitoba! How great is that?!" "Aw, that's real swell," said Emily. "Is she pretty?" "Really pretty," said Joseph, "and chaste, I believe. Japanese girls are like God fearing Christian girls, right?" "Mm, I don't know about that," said Sarah, "but regardless congratulations. I'm sure you two will be good together." She looked at Adelphius. "What do you think about that, dear? A Japanese girl?" Adelphius grumbled something about Canadians. "She's trying to become a citizen, actually," said Joseph. "She's going to become a chemical engineer. For an oil company of some sort. Was it Shell?" "How nice," said Sarah. "If the world needs more of anything it's oil to pollute our planet." "Hmmm?" said Adelphius. "Nothing," said Sarah. She beckoned Joseph with a finger. "Would you come here for a minute? I need to tell you something in private." Joseph did as told, and let his mom whisper into his ear. Then he stood erect, then stared at his dad, who was staring at nothing, and twiddling his thumbs. "Dad," said Joseph, in a calm careful manner. "Are you feeling okay?" "Ah?" said Adelphius. "Ah, yeah, yeah, doing just fine. Real fine." "I don't think so," said Joseph. "I can tell. You repeated three different words twice. 'Ah,' 'yeah,' and 'fine.'" "Ah, yeah, fine. So I'm repeating myself," said Adelphius. "It's no big deal. World ain't gonna end."

"Dad," said Joseph, "I would like to enter that competition with you." "Hmm?" said Adelphius. "The contest for that farm fair that's coming up," said Joseph. "I want to help you out. Father and son, what do you think?" Adelphius sat up a bit. "Really?" he said. "You mean it?" "Yes, I do mean it," said Joseph. "Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" said Adelphius. "This is going to be grand!" "I hope so," said Joseph. Deciding "Which animal should we pick?" said Joseph. Adelphius thought while stroking his newly acquired beard. "I don't know," he said. "The contest is unusual isn't it?" said Joseph. "It's any animals versus any animals," said Adelphius. "How about a horse?" said Joseph. "See, the thing," said Adelphius, "according to their website they'll be measuring not only the beauty of the animal, but it's usefulness, and intelligence, and what it can do. Not just as a species, but as an individual. It's like putting races against each other." "I suppose," said Joseph. "Who do you think would win in a race war?" said Adelphius. "Black people?" "I couldn't say for sure," said Joseph. "I mean, like, hand to hand combat," said Adelphius. "Forget about technology." "Hm, hand to hand, huh?" said Joseph. "Then I would have to say the Chinese. And Indians. They outnumber everyone." "No, silly. I mean like they each get to pick one and then they fight like in a tournament. Like in Street Fighter 2 or Mortal Kombat." "Oh! In that case, I'm going to go with Samoans." "Yeah, they're quite large and in charge, ain't they?" "Yep." "But what about the women's side? Ladies against ladies?" "Germans. Their women are built like tanks, and they lack morals." "Yeah, they came up with that whole Holocaust thing. Everyone thinks it was Hitler, but it was really Eva. Eva was jealous of a Jewish neighbor, and she wanted his house, so she convinced Hitler to kill all the Jews. Well, according to people on the internet." "You trust people on the internet? That's like trusting a koala with eucalyptus leaves." "Anyway, we gotta pick any animal. What animal do you think will win?" "Okay, okay. How about a horse?" "Horses are fast, and you can't ride 'em, but beyond that they're not used in farming. It'll lose just for that." "A cow?" "Okay. That gives milk. But it's real dumb." "A chicken?" "Even dumber. That won't impress the judges." "A dog." "Dogs and cats, and hamsters, and home animals don't count as farm animals." "But they are."

"Anything else?" "Sheep?" "What does that do? Just give its wool? No." "Fish?" "How we gonna get a fish there, plus they can't do any tricks." "Hm." "How about Bernadette?" "Why, that's an ingenious idea. She's the smartest animal on this farm." "That's true. But then again pigs are quite ugly." "Oh?" "They're pink, and look hairless, and they got these fat, football faces, and a large snout, and they go 'oink, oink.' That's not so great is it?" "She's our best chance. What other animals could we used? They're all in terrible shape. They're only used for food." "I suppose you're right." "I think I am. Remember how Bernadette learned to bring in the newspaper?" "And she also tracked mud into the house." "Still." "Okay, fine. Bernadette it is. Let's go to see her." Adelphius and Joseph got up, and left the kitchen. They went around the corridor, and left through a door by the side. (Two doors actually, as there was a screen door atop the regular door.) "Put on your boots now," said Adelphius. "I know," said Joseph. "I know how to put on my boots, dad." Joseph and Adelphius put on their boots, and went down the steps leading away from the house. They got onto a path, and followed it along. It took them to a field with trees, and leaves scattered on the ground. Up ahead was a quaint little building, made out of old, almost rotting wood. "There it is," said Adelphius. Joseph and Adelphius went into the quaint, little building, made out of old, almost rotting wood. They opened the door and there was single pig inside. It was about the size of a Saint Bernard, and had the body of beer drinker. This was the pig named Bernadette. One of a few animals not used for meat or anything else. A pet really. Bernadette went up to Joseph and sat in front of him, as if a dog. "Hello, Bernadette," said Joseph. "How are you?" Bernadette, the pig, smiled and oinked. "I'm good too," said Joseph, "thank you very much." Bernadette left and returned with a red leash in her mouth. "No, no, not today," said Joseph. "We won't be going for a walk today." Bernadette dropped her head. "We'll be doing something else," said Joseph. The Big Contest The day of the farm fair came. It was a Saturday morning. Joseph and Adelphius loaded Bernadette into the back of their truck. She was kept warm and comfortable with blankets. "Everything alright back there?" said Adelphius, who was now behind the wheel with Joseph by his side. Bernadette squealed with delight. The climate was particularly temperate for Manitoba. Of course, using the Farmer's Almanac, everyone in Red Wood knew how it would be. "Okay," said Joseph, "let's go!"

Adelphius started his truck, and he and Joseph drove east of their town. The roads like usual were clear, and devoid of people. "I sure am looking forward to winning that prize," said Adelphius. "Heh," said Joseph, "me too." "What should we do with it?" "I don't know." "We should use it to pay for your fancy shmancy university education." "You think? No. You use it for yourself. Take mom out for a vacation or something." "Where would we go?" "Hawaii?" "Is that in America?" "I think so." "NO WAY!" "Okay. So, no Hawaii." "I don't think I will be going on vacation. That money is either going to your university or savings. We gotta save for a rainy day, after all. The farm takes money to run." "Yes, I know." "Yeeeep." "By the way, what did you get mom for her birthday?" "It's a secret." "Please." "Okay." Adelphius went into his jacket and took out a long, rectangular box. He opened it up and showed a gold necklace that he had bought. "Wow," said Joseph. "It's beautiful." "I saved up," said Adelphius. "How much did it cost?" said Joseph. "A lot." "Okay. And why are you keeping it in your jacket?" "You know how your mom is, ever curious. I gotta keep it on my person to keep her from finding it." "Good idea, good idea." Adelphius turned onto the highway. Joseph looked in the rear view mirror to see if Bernadette was doing okay. "You think she'll be alright?" said Joseph. "Yeah, your mom will be okay," said Adelphius. "I mean the pig," said Joseph. "Bernadette. What if she jumps out?" "We're talking about the smartest pig in Canada, and therefore the world," said Adelphius. "She ain't dumb enough to jump out. Lookit her. She's so smart she can stand like a human." Bernadette was standing on her hind legs, in truck bed, standing like a person, with her arms in the air. "Slow down a bit," said Joseph. "She might tumble out." "Don't worry," said Adelphius. "She's as sure footed as a mountain goat." "But she's a pig," said Joseph. "She don't know that," said Adelphius. "Now, keep an eye out for our exit." Joseph leaned forward. "There it is," he said, pointing. "The off ramp for Millway." "And here we go," said Adelphius. He pressed on the gas pedal of his truck, gunning forward, and darted to the right. He turned

deftly onto the off ramp to get to Millway. Joseph held on to the top of his head. "Ah, Millway," said Adelphius. "It ain't no Red Wood, but it sure comes close." Adelphius rolled down the window on his side. "Can you smell that? Smell that manure? It's fresh!" "Yes, yes, I can smell it," said Joseph. "It's like home," said Adelphius. "We're still in Manitoba," said Joseph. "Yes, but Red Wood is some ways off," said Adelphius. "Miles away." "Did you say miles?" said Joseph. "Miles?! No. I said kilometers. Yes, that's what I meant." "I heard otherwise." "Come on now, cut me some slack. Am real nervous." "Thought you said Bernadette was a sure win." "Yes! But that's my opinion. Them judges might have other ideas. They might be as corrupt as boxing judges." "I don't think that'll be the case. Farmers are honest. What can be more honest than growing food for a living and feeding people?" "My son, you do me proud." "Thanks." "But what's got me nervous is...this is an North American contest." "Is it?" "I skimmed over the fine print in my excitement. Now I come to know that Americans can participate too." "And that should matter because?" "They're not honest like Canadians! They're cheaters! They pump their animals full of steroids and chemicals! Look at Lance Armstrong!" "He's not an animal." "Oh, I beg to differ." "Okay. He's an animal." "An American animal. American animal stay away from meeee heeee, American Animal --" "Dad, please." "Sorry." "I don't know why you're so down on Americans anyway." "I keep telling you, they murder lots of people with their military. You know what foreigners call the U.S. and A military?" "What?" "The Super Evil Killing Machine." "How clever." "What? You done say that like it ain't what it do be." "...What?" "Never mind... We're coming up to the fair grounds!" In excitement Adelphius put both his hands in the air. "Dad!" said Joseph. "Heh, sorry," said Adelphius; he returned his hands back to the wheel, and looked ahead at the landscape. On a grassy flat, with patches of mud, there were trucks abound, and men in overalls and straw hats. Some of them were taking animals out from their vehicles. A great sign, elevated up, and made out of wood, which acted as a gate, read: "Welcome to the Millway International Farm Fair." "International, huh?" said Joseph. "So, American and Canada is international now, is it?" "Have some respect," said Adelphius. "We're on sacred grounds now. No vegetarian jokes,

please, okay? We're doing this in Big Pa's honour." "When have I ever made a vegetarian joke?" said Joseph. "And what exactly is a vegetarian joke?" "Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Carrot." "Carrot who?" "Carrot you stop eating so much meat?" "That's terrible." "I know." "No, I mean... Carrot doesn't even sound like 'cannot.' Does it?" "I'm not a joke-smith. I just made this up off the top of my head." "Hm. Okay. I will not make any vegetarian jokes." "Thank you very much." Adelphius pulled his truck into the car park. He parked it next to a sub-Humvee, pulling a trailer behind, that was blue, and adorned with stars and stripes. As Adelphius and Joseph stepped outside, the owner of this Humvee came out too. Adelphius and the driver exchanged looks (through the Hummer's window). Adelphius noticed his annoyingly ginger hair, freckles, and cowboy outfit. He was definitely an American. His name was Bryan. Good ol' Bryan, couldn't use an "i" instead!" Bryan unloaded his animal from his trailer, which was a pig, and then Adelphius and Joseph took out Bernadette from the back of their truck. Bryan's pig, Lucy, and Adelphius and Joseph, and Bernadette, met each other as they were headed toward the fairgrounds. It was free for farmers from Manitoba. "Nice pig you got there," said Bryan. "Yours ain't bad either," said Adelphius. "A fine specimen indeed." Bryan and Adelphius, respectively, held their pigs by leashes. Recently affixed. "Where you from?" said Adelphius. "You don't look like you're from around these parts." "Nosireebab," said Bryan. "Am from the U.S. of A. The greatest country in the world." "Is it now?" said Adelphius. "But Canada's mighty fine too," said Bryan. "I reckon it's a close second. You're like Samsung, and we're Apple." "Apple ain't so great," said Adelphius. "They just steal their ideas." "Those are fightin' words," said Bryan. "You wanna fight?" said Adelphius. "I know Canadian Jiu Jitsu." "And what in tarnations is that?" said Bryan. "It's like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but when you submit an opponent you have to say 'sorry,'" said Adelphius. "Hm, welp, no bother," said Bryan. "I don't got no time for that." "Very well," said Adelphius. "Twice well," said Bryan. "Excuse me," said Joseph, "shouldn't we be getting to the competition?" "It won't be starting yet," said Bryan. "It's not 6:00 AM." "Also," said Adelphius, "adults are talking. Yep. Two adults. One American, and one proud Canadian." "Am a proud American, if you must know," said Bryan. "That so?" said Adelphius. "Mhm," said Bryan. "Mfreakinghm." "I see," said Adelphius. As Adelphius and Bryan locked eyes, Joseph intervened. He pulled Adelphius along, as well as

Bernadette. "Come on," Joseph whispered. "But I was having a chat with our neighbor from the lower 48," said Adelphius. "I don't want you getting into arguments with any of the farmers here," said Joseph as he kept a steady pace. "Why not?" said Adelphius. "Because," said Joseph. That was all he said. "Oh, I know," said Adelphius. "You don't want your papa getting hurt, is that it?" "Um, yeah," said Joseph." "Okay, so we all agree Americans are real violent, unsympathetic, oversimplifying people, because they come from a dog eat dog world," said Adelphius. "But you needn't warn me. I can hold up on my own. I used to play hockey. I've been in many fights before. I lost my two front teeth before Christmas in 1990 from a flying elbow." "Well, if American are as violent and simple as you say," said Joseph, "I don't think having hockey fighting experience is enough." "Yeeeah, they got guns," said Adelphius. "But I'm real good at dodging projectiles. I used to 'Matrix' flying hockey pucks in the rink. Never got hit once." "Wow," said Joseph. "I didn't know you were such a sports enthusiast." "Yeah," said Adelphius, "I even met someone from the Maple Leafs once." "Who was it?" said Joseph. "I don't remember," said Adelphius, "but he poured some beer on me." "Eric Lindros?" "Yep, that's him alright." "What did you do after he poured beer on you?" "Nothing. It was all in good fun -- until he stuffed a loonie down my trousers." "Wow. What a classy guy." Adelphius and Joseph headed toward the large, striped, yellow and red tent marked "registry." They took Bernadette past a flap, and stood in queue behind -- Bryan. Bryan and a small Chinese fellow named Wing. Though they weren't aware of that. Bryan turned around. "Well, well, well, well, well," said Bryan, "if it isn't... You." "Yes, it is me," said Adelphius. "What can I help you with?" "You really think your pig is going to win this race?" said Bryan. "It's not a race," said Adelphius. "Either way, I'm gonna win," said Bryan. "The chances of that are nought," said Adelphius. "Nought!" The small Chinese farmer named Wing turned around. Being only a recent citizen, from Shanghai -- home of the infamous Pearl/Bollock towers -- he hardly knew a lick of English, but he was eager to learn. "Excuse me," he said in Mandarin Chinese, "what is this word called 'nought'?" He held the leash of his farm animal, Jane, Jane who was a horse, the type with fur around its ankles. (I.e. a shire horse.) "What's he talking about?" Bryan whispered to Adelphius. "How would I know?" said Adelphius. "I'm sorry," said Bryan to Wing. "I do not speak your language." "Oh, yes," said Wing, "I forget." "He doesn't get it," Bryan whispered to Adelphius. "Talk slower then," said Adelphius. "I. Do. Not. Speak. Your. Language," said Bryan to Wing.

"Yes," said Wing, again in his own language, "I know that. But it's nice to meet you anyway. I like your pig. I hope you do well in this contest." "He's not getting it," Bryan whispered once more to Adelphius. "What should I do? He's still staring." "Do whatever you want," said Adelphius. "I know," said Bryan. "I'll talk louder. That should learn him." He talked louder. "I NO SPEAKY CHINESE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING? I AM AT FULL VOLUME, THEREFORE YOUR COMPREHENSION SHOULD BE BETTER." "How is speaking louder going to help him understand better?" said Joseph. "He never indicated to us that he had a hearing problem." "Quiet you," said Bryan. "You don't know how we do it in Alabama." "You're from Alabama?" said Joseph. "No," said Bryan, "but I went there for vacation once. A lot of trailer parks, if you ask me. Do they got them in Canada?" "No," said Joseph, "we live in actual houses." "Well, I'll be," said Bryan. "You'll be what?" said Adelphius. "You know," said Bryan. "By the way," said Wing, "do any of you have the time? My watch is broken." "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" said Bryan. Wing turned around, quietly, back to his horse. "Chinese people, huh?" said Bryan. "They can't even speak English. And they can't drive worth a damn." "That's awfully racist," said Joseph. "Is it?" said Bryan. "Well, am sorry for reporting the facts." "It's not a fact," said Joseph. Just then a car came crashing into the registry tent. It flipped over and spun several times, upside down, before stopping. Sadly, a goose was victim to this accident, and was made into some sort of pat. Bryan lowered his head, glanced at Joseph, and then to the wreck. "Yes, I see that," said Joseph. "I see you looking there. But I am certain it's not what you think it is." Just then, from the car, the wreckage, a black man climbed out. "Look at that," said Joseph. "You were wrong." "Hm," said Bryan. But a moment later another person followed. It was a Chinese man. He had large, black framed glasses, and a haircut that had hair hanging in front of his forehead. "Damnit," said the black man named Tyrel, who'd just climbed out of the upside down car, "that's the last time I let you drive us anywhere!" "So sorry," said Chan Lee, his very good friend. "I thought this tent was a mirage." "But why'd you speed into it?" said Tyrel. "You could have maintained a normal driving speed." "Everyone knows," said Chan Lee, "that in order to not get trapped in a mirage, you have to go 88 miles per hour." "You need driving lessons," said Tyrel. "Hey, hey, don't get racist on me," said Chan Lee, "lest I point out that it was your idea to steal this crappy Honda Civic -- That doesn't even have roll over protection!" Tyrel and Chan Lee got up at the same time, and ran away, leaving behind their now useless, and destroyed, stolen car.

"You were saying?" said Bryan. "Never mind," said Joseph. The queue everyone was in moved forward. Soon, Adelphius and Joseph were at the registration table. They showed their identification, and had their information taken. Quite convenient for any illiterate farmers. "Enjoy the festivities," said Shelly. "You'll find the holding areas opposite of the entrance. Don't forget, be back in an hour for when the contest begins." "Thank you very much," said Adelphius. Then he, along with the other farmers, and his son, dragged his animal to the other side of the tent, where there was an exit. They got out into an open field that had dozens upon dozens of cages, with water bowls, and food dishes, ready to hold their beastly friends. From here they would be judged. "Where's cage 28?" said Adelphius. He squinted. "Over there," said Joseph. Adelphius and Joseph went to cage 28. They lifted the latch and put Bernadette inside. It wasn't great, but roomy and ventilated enough for a pig of her size. However, Bernadette squealed, not liking gray, closed-in spaces. "I know you don't like it, my dear," said Joseph to Bernadette, "but it will only be temporary." "Did you just call the pig 'my dear,'" said Adelphius. "She likes it when I call her that," said Joseph. He stretched his neck out. "Oh, look the police." Tyrel and Chan Lee were being chased by the RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police), which are Canadian Police on horses, recognizable by their red uniforms, and being on horses. "Think they'll get caught?" said Adelphius. "Canadian Police couldn't catch a cold," said Joseph. "Yes, because their immune systems are too strong," said Adelphius. "It gets like that when you've lived in these harsh yet beautiful temperatures and weathers of Canada. God bless, Canada." "Yes," said Joseph. "Alright," said Adelphius. "We got an hour to burn. Whaddaya wanna do? Hm?" "What's there to do at a farm fair?" said Joseph. "Petting zoo?" said Adelphius. "We own a farm," said Joseph. "I can pet goats any time I want." "Fine," said Adelphius. "What say we get some beaver tails to eat?" "Dad," said Joseph. "You know I'm a vegetarian." Adelphius sighed, "They're not real beaver tails. I'm talking about the treat beaver trails. It's like a doughnut. Do you eat doughnuts? Or you too high and mighty for that?" "Yes, I still eat donuts," said Joseph. "Good," said Adelphius, "then let's go!" After walking around a bit, Adelphius and Joseph found a "BeaverTail" stand. They were next in line. "Bonjour," said Madame Mozell. "'Ow may I 'elp you?" Adelphius stared at the menu board, "Ummm..." "Oui?" said Madame Mozell. "I can't decide," said Adelphius. "We 'ave one product," said Madame Mozell. "But there's many toppings," said Adelphius. "Peanut butter! Who, who, who puts peanut better on a beaver tail? This ain't a PB&J sammwich." "'Ow about Nutella?" said Madame Mozell. "It is 50% sugar, so it is much healthier for you." "Yeah, that sounds good," said Adelphius. "And pour you, young sir?" said Madame Mozell to Joseph.

"Well, this is my first time tasting a beaver tail," said Joseph, "so make mine's bare." "No Nutella?" said Madame Mozell. "No, thank you," said Joseph. "Not even a little?" said Madame Mozell. "It is vary [sic] tasty." "Um, alright then," said Joseph, "just a landing strip. I don't want to be too overwhelmed by chocolate." "Bien," said Madame Mozell. She punched some buttons onto a touch screen, which was part of her cash register. "Excuse me," said Joseph, "but I couldn't help but notice, are you French?" "Me? No," said Madame Mozell. "I just like to use French words every now and then to seem more sophisticated. Do I seem more sophisticated, monsieur? Would you care to take a gander under my frock?" "How old are you again?" said Joseph. "I am 20 year old," said Madame Mozell. "Really?" said Joseph. "I am 30 year old," said Madame Mozell. "Really?" said Joseph. "I am 40 year old," said Madame Mozell. "Really?" said Joseph. "Take your beaver tails, and get out of my shop," said Madame Mozell. "We aren't in a shop," said Joseph. "Take your beaver tails and leave," said Madame Mozell. "Quitter cet endroit." She threw two beaver tail pastries at Joseph and Adelphius. They paid for their items and left. After some walking, they took shelter under a tree to eat their goodies. They sat in the shade. Today was unusually warm. "What a warm day it is today," said Adelphius. "He pulled at his collar. Odd isn't it?" "I don't find it odd," said Joseph. "It's global climate change. Or global warming, if you will." Adelphius licked his lips, "Anyways, am gonna have a bite of my beaver tail now." Adelphius bit into his beaver tail pasty and made an "mmmm" face; Joseph did the same, except he did not do the onomatopoeia. "Goodness me," said Adelphius, "now that's food. So warm, and gooey, and sweet. Reminds me of your mother...'s cooking." "Yeah, it's not bad," said Joseph. "An' it's a Canadian invention too," said Adelphius. "Ah, yes, Canadians. Ain't they geniuses?" "Um, well, some of them," said Joseph. He bit into his beaver tail. "By and by," said Adelphius, "did you see the news?" "No, what's on the news?" said Joseph. "Jean Chretien is returning," said Adelphius. "I thought he was dead." "Not yet. And he's going to be running for position of Prime Minister come November." "Good Lord." "I know. It's great, isn't it? Remember when that homeless person tried attacking him and he gave him an elbow to the face?" "I think that's before my time." "Well, you should've seen it. I heard a tooth went flying out." "Yes. That's a good story to tell while eating." "Sure is." Joseph finished his beavertail; Adelphius did too. He dusted off his hands. "Well now," said Adelphius. He looked at his watch. "Guess we better get going now."

Adelphius and Joseph stood up. They walked down the grass, between the crowd, the farmers, and the odd curious people, who wished to understand farming better. Soon they returned to the contest grounds, where even more were gathered. It seemed there were thousands upon thousands. Joseph put a hand over his eyes, to shield himself from the sun, and looked out. There were judges in frumpy suits, buzzing around the cages, with clipboards, ready to judge. There were three judges: Judge Rob, Judge Payne, and Judge Max. Judge Payne was the only female. Notable as well, by coincidence, they were all ginger. A lady in a green tuxedo, named Margaret, rang a bell: "LADIES and gentlemen, may I have your attention please? The contest is about to begin. Would all participants in this here contest, please take your assigned seats We will call you out based on the number you have received. The judges are about to begin their judging." All the farmer in the BEST ANIMAL CONTEST gathered into their seats, which were at back near all of the cages. The non-farmers were made to sit in the chairs just before the raised, wooden platform, where the three judges resided behind a table. As everyone settled in a man came out with a gong. He struck it thrice, and the contest, the search for the best farm animal began. Several dozen numbers were called out, and then, finally, after number 98, Adelphius and Joseph were called to present their beast up on stage. "Would number 99, kindly come up on stage," said Margaret, "to present your animal?" Adelphius and Joseph took Bernadette out of her cage, who was quite eager to be leaving it. She followed the two along behind, and went up a small set of steps, which led onto the wooden stage. They stood in the middle before the staring crowd, some of them slack jawed. "Hello," said Judge Payne. "And what are your names? And what will you be doing?" "Hello," said Adelphius with a broad grin. "My name is Adelphius Goode and this is my dear son, Joseph Goode. Today for you we have a pig to present -- but she ain't no ordinary, she's a smart pig. Real smart. Smarter than twenty pigs combined, and --" Judge Max cleared his throat loudly, "Your tricks?" "Oh, yes, here we go," said Adelphius. He whispered to Joseph. "Lay down the numbers and letters." "Yes, dad," said Joseph. Joseph took out a packet of large cards, each with a number and letter, and put them all down on the stage. Adelphius looked at Bernadette. "Bernadette, dear," he said, "what is 2 + 2?" Bernadette ran between the spaces between the number cards, and put her hoof, clearly, and obviously, on the number 4. She tapped it more than once. The crowd leaned forward. "See that?" said Adelphius. "She has chosen the number four." He looked again at Bernadette. "What is 20 - 10?" Bernadette went to the number ten. To this the crowd clapped. "Now," said Adelphius, "what is 10 x 99?" Bernadette sat on her bottom for a bit and thought, then she went over to 9 - tapped it twice then went to zero, and tapped it once, equaling 990. Everyone was in an uproar at this animal's feat of intelligence. It seemed smarter than a person. "I call fraud!" said Judge Rob. "There must be some sort of trick to this!" "Would you care to try?" said Adelphius. "I do," said Judge Rob. Judge Rob sashayed out from behind his table, put his robe aside, and looked Bernadette in the eyes as if she were an about to be punished child. "Pig..." said Judge Rob. "What is 50 divided by 20?" "I don't know that she can do that," said Adelphius.

"Shhh," said Judge Rob. Bernadette, slowly, ambled around the cards, looking at them all. Then a few seconds before the judge was about to yell for cheating, she tapped 2, and then went to the dot, tapped that, and lastly tapped number 5 ----------------> 2.5. All the people went wild, jumping up and down, and throwing their straw hats to the floor. "What a remarkably smart animal!" said Judge Rob. "I say, you may very well win this contest!" Judge Payne interrupted, "Time is up. You two may return to your seats." "Thank you," said Adelphius. He and Joseph bowed, and then returned to their seats. The judges and organizers announced the last contestant, lucky 100... "Number one hundred," Margaret the announcer announced. "Please come on stage with your animal." Bryan, the American farmer, brought his pig named Lucy onto stage. No one thought that it could top Bernadette the genius pig as they were now dubbing it. But then Bryan put a ghetto blaster on stage, and played a tape. A KOREAN pop song came through the speakers. Lucy the pig stood up, like a human, and did the Gangam Style song. "Wop, wop, woppam gangam style." (Or something like that.) When she finished everyone, except Adelphius and Joseph, had tears in their eye, from laughter and excitement. The three judges stood up and announced without reluctance, "We have a winner!" Judge Payne pinned a ribbon onto Bryan's chest, and put a sash around Bernadette. "You like me, you really like me," said Bryan. "Unbelievable," said Adelphius. "All flash and no substance. Of course an American would be that way. May the gods curse him." "Gods?" said Joseph. "A joke, a joke!" said Adelphius. "But darn him. Darn him good." As Joseph and Adelphius stood up, on their tippy-toes, trying to see ahead of all the people standing, they noticed Bryan reaching into his vest. And he took out two guns, six shooters, and started firing straight into the air, letting hot bullets rain down. The judges fell to their hands and knees, shrieking. When Bryan was done shooting, and had put his guns back into his waist, Judge Payne addressed him. "I'm sorry," said Judge Payne, "but for the illegal use of guns in Canada, I must disqualify you." "What?!" said Bryan. "What've you got against guns?" "They're cowardly, and we don't allow them" said Judge Payne. Judge Payne took Bryan's ribbon, and Lucy's sash. Then she called up second prize: Adelphius and Joseph. Judge Payne put the ribbon on Adelphius' chest, and the sash on Bernadette. "Congratulations, Mr. Goode," said Judge Payne. "This is an outrage!" said Bryan. "You took away my prize on purpose, because y'all are antiAmerican!" "We are not anti-American," said Judge Payne. She mumbled under her breath. "You stinky Yank." "What was that?" said Bryan. "Uuh, nothing," said Judge Payne. She turned her body toward the crowd. "Congratulations to the winner! Please bring out the giant, novelty sized cheque!" A moment later a leggy lady in nothing but overalls brought out a giant, novelty sized cheque for the sum of $20,000 Canadian. She stood herself between Adelphius and Joseph as cameras flashed,

taking pictures. "Thank you, thank you," said Adelphius, "y'all too kind." "What are you going to do with your new moderate fortune?" said a reporter named April. She smiled. "Shall you now pay it forward to society?" "Huh?" said Adelphius. "Don't you mean pay back?" "No," said the April. "Well, that's a stupid phrase," said Adelphius. "What ever do you mean?" said the April. "Because you pay things back," said Adelphius, "not forward. How arrogant can you be to think you've paid off all your dues, and that you're only paying things forward and giving more than you've ever took? From day one we suckle on our mother's teet. At no time soon in our lives do we become fully independent, and without the need for anyone else. We are always paying it back somewhere." "Oh," said the April. "And it ain't clever either," said Adelphius. "Yah done took an okay cliche, and made it into annoying one. Yah changed one word, now you think it's a new thing all of a sudden? Well, well, why don't we do that for everything else then? Instead of 'what's up?' why don't we say 'what's down?' Or how about instead of 'ace in the hole' 'joker in the hole'? Or how about instead of 'all's fair in love in war' 'all's fair in love and international conflict'? HMM?! "I don't get why you're so annoyed," said the reporter. "It's just one of those annoying, new agey phrases," said Adelphius, "like YOLO. Pay it forward is up there with YOLO. YOLO and ballpark figure. What is a ballpark figure?" "Right," said April. "Enjoy your money." Judge Max shook Adelphius' hand. "Okay," said Judge Max, "why don't we go and celebrate now?" "Sure will," said Adelphius. "Bring out the guillotine," said Judge Max. Someone brought out a guillotine, an antique, French-invented device made to lop off heads. "What's that for?" said Joseph. "Don't you know?" said Judge Max. "It's for eating the pig." "Bernadette?" said Joseph. "Is that what you call her?" said Judge Max. He turned to the person who brought in the guillotine. His name was Todd. "Okay! Put her in!" Todd took Bernadette's leash and began dragging her to the guillotine, to which Joseph protested. He grabbed the leash as well. "What are you doing?" said Todd. "What are you doing?!" said Joseph. "I'm preparing the feast," said Todd. "With our prize winning pig?!" said Joseph. "Yes," said Todd. "As is the tradition. The winner's animal is slaughtered and roasted and served up to the crowd. That's what you get in exchange for 20,000 bananas." "I thought they were dollars," said Joseph. "Not literally bananas," said Todd. "Still!" said Joseph. "I can't let you do this!" "Would you speak to your son?" said Judge Max to Adelphius. "He seems to have lost his mind." Embarrassed, Adelphius took Joseph aside, but he never let go of Bernadette's leash. "What are you doing?" said Adelphius through his teeth. "Did you know about this?" said Joseph.

"I did," said Adelphius. "I can't let them kill Bernadette," said Joseph. "Please," said Adelphius. "Otherwise we won't get the $20,000 cheque. AND what about Big Pa's honour? Remember we're doing this in his name?" "Big Pa wouldn't mind," said Joseph. "Come on," said Adelphius. "Be a sport. Bernadette is really no different than any other pig, now is she? So what if she can count some numbers?" Judge Max, who was eavesdropping, suddenly stood himself closer to Joseph. "Now, son," said Judge Max. "I hear you're having troubles with us slaughtering your pig. Look, I understand that you're sentimentally attached to your animal, but we all have to go one day...plus this is a tradition we've been doing for decades." "I'm not sentimentally attached to my pig,." said Joseph. "I have a dog at home whom I like very much." "And the issue is?" said Judge Max. Adelphius looked at Joseph and motioned his hands side to side, as if to say no. "Well," said Joseph, "to be perfectly honest -- I'm a vegetarian." Everyone in the crowd was silent...then they burst out in laughter. They laughed and pointed like school children. "His, his, his son is a vegetarian!" one person yelled out while holding his sides. "Nyaaaah-haha-ha! Adelphius' face turned red from embarrassment. He clenched his fists and trembled. Joseph stared at him, unsure what was about to happen. "Dad?" Joseph meekly. "Goddamn you, you vegetarian!" said Adelphius. And he punched, his dear son, Joseph square in the face. WHAP! Joseph fell back onto his ass. The crowd gasped in horror. "What are you looking at?!" said Adelphius. "Ain't you never seen nobody go crazy? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" He threw up his arms and jumped ONTO the crowd. He ran atop everyone's shoulders until he got to the very back, where all the cages and animals were kept --and he released every single one of them, every single beast, from the pig to the dog to the frog to the horse, absolutely none were kept behind bars. And, as you know, if you keep an animal in a tight small space, when they are let out, they are full of energy. "Stampede!" yelled a woman as animals rushed through the crowd. "Look what yah done now!" said Bryan. "Foreigners! Why don't y'all go back to your own country?!" "Am from Canada!" said Adelphius. "Well," said Bryan, "I finally know what it's like to be on the other side of the coin. It hurts." While Joseph sat up and rubbed his sore face, the RCMP arrived, with leather whips to tame the animals. They whipped them on their rears and commanded them into a circle. As this was going on, Adelphius hid behind a porta-potty, now realizing what he had. He kept down, with knees bent. "Oh Jesus, oh Jesus," Adelphius muttered. "What hath I done." Then he felt a tap on the shoulder. He looked behind. There was an RCMP officer towering over him with his horse. "Excuse me," said Tim. "Several witnesses have come forward and said that you released all the animals...and you punched your son square in the face. Would you come along with me?" Adelphius stood up defensively, "Never!" He made a run for it. Tim, the RCMP officer, went into his utility belt and took out a *TASER

weapon. Two long wires shot out of this plastic, gun shaped device, and went into Adelphius' skin. An electric shock shocked Adelphius' muscles and then made him egregiously spasm all the way to the ground. After that, he was put under arrest, with handcuffs, thrown into a police cruiser, and taken away. (*TASER stands for Tom Swift and His Electric Rifle.) Jail Adelphius was tossed into a holding cell. He stood up and grabbed the bars in front of him. "What about my phone call?" said Adelphius. "You've watched too much Police Academy," said Tim, then he swung the holding cell door shut, and locked it with a key. "Am gonna die in here!" said Adelphius. Adelphius looked back, and saw the assortment of men, who were in trouble a well. There were maybe fifteen of them. "Whatcha looking at, mate?" said Billy Jean, the man in the jean jacket and jean jeans. He had a thick Australian accent. "That really your name?" said Adelphius. "Billy Jean?" "How'd you know my name, mate?" said Billy Jean. "It's written on your jacket in sequins," said Adelphius. "Oh," said Billy Jean, "well, mate, I prefer you not staring at my jacket. It's quite rude you know. It's as rude as staring at a lady's cleavage. Although some people make the argument that if she puts it out there it's okay to stare, and it's her fault, but I don't buy into that. A quick glance, surely that's acceptable, but an uncomfortable stare, I do not agree." "I getcha," said Adelphius. "Anyways, mate," said Billy Jean, he reached behind his back and took out a chocolate biscuit, "would like something to eat? I smuggled it in through my butt." "Errr, no thank you," said Adelphius. "Aw, ye'," said Billy Jean. "I know you probably don't want a Tim Tam from me, mate, 'cause you don't have any hot beverages on you. Really, how can you do the Tim Tam Slam?" "The what?" "The Tim Tam Slam, mate. You bite off the corners of your Tim Tam, on either side, two bites, and then suck your coffee or tea through it to make it moist." "Sounds disgusting." "It isn't disgusting, mate. I'm sure you'd like it." "No, I wouldn't." "Yes, you would, mate." "No, I --" Billy Jean forcefully shoved his Tim Tam chocolate biscuit into Adelphius' mouth. He grabbed Adelphius' jaw and did the chewing motions for him. Adelphius pushed Billy Jean off and spat. "You boorish man!" said Adelphius. "How dare you put your chocolate logs into my mouth!" He wiped his mouth off with his sleeve. "The nerve!" He grabbed the bars of the holding cell and tried shaking them. "Guards! GUARDS! Am in need of some assistance!" No one answered. "Keep it down, will you, mate?" said Billy Jean. "You'll wake he who shall not be named." "Who?" said Adelphius. Billy Jean pointed to a man no taller than 4.5 feet tall, who was curled up in a ball, sleeping in the corner. This man was bald, like a skinhead, and wearing shoes that had curly toes. His clothes were also three shades too bright for a person of his gender.

"Shhhh, mate," said Billy Jean. "Don't shush me," said Adelphius, who was still irate. "I can do as I please, if you don't mind." "He looks small," said Billy Jean, "but Mister Mini is quite a tough character. He roughed everyone up as soon as he got into here, mate." "What did he do?" said Adelphius. "Mate, he told us all to shut up," said Billy Jean. "That's all?" "Don't tempt fate, mate, I'm telling you, mate. You don't know what you're in for." "Fine. I'll leave the dwarf alone, but I really don't think he could cause that much trouble." "Mmm, don't say that, mate." "What?" "Dwarf, mate." "Why?" "He might get insulted, mate." "So what? That's what he is." "Shhhh, mate. "I told you not to shush me. I ain't afraid of no dwarf." "Don't focus on his size, mate. The small ones are the meanest. They got chips on their shoulders. Both of 'em." "Am not scared. Am a farmer. I've wrestled with full sized sows before." "Mate, he isn't a sow." "We'll see about that." "Come back, mate! Have you lost your mind?" Adelphius went over to Mister Mini and stared down at him with hands on his hips. He cleared his throat. "Excuse me," said Adelphius, "but may I have a word with you?" "Piss off," said Mister Mini. "My word," said Adelphius. "How rude! I hope you're not actually a Canadian!" Mister Mini opened his eyes and stared at Adelphius, dead on, without blinking. "You know," said Adelphius, "it's rude to stare." Mister Mini growled. Literally growled. He stood up and stepped toward Adelphius. Adelphius stepped back. "Easy now," said Adelphius. Mister Mini jumped up, like a flea, and wrapped himself around Adelphius' head. He beat on his noggin, manically, as if starving and trying to get into a hard boiled ostrich egg. (What?) "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Help me!" said Adelphius. "I warned you," said Billy Jean, "but you didn't believe me, because you're racist against Australians. I bet that's it." "Am not racist!" said Adelphius. "Except against Americans! Which isn't really racist at all, if you think about it, because it's not really a race now is it? I'm more of a nationalist." "Still," said Billy Jean. Adelphius cried out in pain. "Stop," he said to Mister Mini, "please stop! I'm in so much agony!" "Never!" said Mister Mini. Actually he did stop -- when Adelphius passed out from the battering. Adelphius however woke up and found himself in the nude. Mister Mini was wearing all of his clothes, and had all his items. "What the heck?" said Adelphius. "You okay?" said Billy Jean.

"Am naked," said Adelphius. "You were robbed by the you know what," said Billy Jean. Adelphius got up, and confronted Mister Mini once again. "Gimme back my stuff," said Adelphius to Mister Mini. "Stop," said Billy Jean. "You don't want a second beating. You could hardly handle the first." "I can't, I can't just let it be," said Adelphius. "I'm not a Beatle." "But," said Billy Jean. "He has my wife's necklace," said Adelphius. "In my jacket." "Oh, this," said Mister Mini. He held Adelphius' gift for Sarah, a beautiful gold necklace. "You want it back?" "Am warning you," said Adelphius. "The first time I went easy on you." Mister Mini brushed back his golden hair. He wasn't going to make this easy on Adelphius, for he was quite angry, but not for his short stature, but rather his micro penis. Ironically, his sense of humor, and interests, often centered around wieners, and he would often threaten to rip off people's balls. That which he did on more than one occasion. "Come on," said Mister Mini. "What are you waiting for? HIT ME." Adelphius put up his dukes in an old timey, 1900s Irish boxer fashion. "Is that really how you're going to fight?" said Mister Mini. His voice was shrieky and irritating. "Yes," said Adelphius. "Why should you care?" "Your stance is so old timey," said Mister Mini. "I mean really... Nobody does that anymore... That weird stance you have. Your wrists are so curled." "Oh really?" said Adelphius. "Nobody does this anymore? Not one person out of 7 billion?" "Quiet, you," said Mister Mini. "GIMME BACK MY STUFF!" yelled Adelphius. Adelphius dove for Mister Mini, but Mister Mini was too quick. He put Adelphius' into a strangle hold. "I can't breathe," said Adelphius, struggling, and reaching his arms out. "I'll get help!" said Billy Jean. He put his head between the bars of their holding cell as much as he could, "9-1-1! I demand 9-1-1!" But it was too late. Returning Home "I can't believe you were arrested," said Sarah. Adelphius put his hands by the heater. "Yeah," he grumbled, "too bad." "At least they let you off without any charges," she said. "You caused an awful lot of damage, they said." "I know," said Adelphius. He sighed. "Am real sorry for troubling you," said Sarah. "I don't mean to bother you. Am just curious is all." "Ah, it's okay," said Adelphius. "No worries." "But I mean being in jail," said Sarah. She turned the truck. "Must've been awful. I see you got some lumps on you. How did you get them?" "An angry short man," said Adelphius. "No higher than my nipples." "Oh, my poor dear," said Sarah, "I hope that evil person falls into a pit of unsterilized needles." "Me too," said Adelphius. He thought about Sarah's birthday present, her necklace that was stolen.

Sarah turned up the heat. "Is it warm enough?" she said. "How's your snuggie?" "It's fine," said Adelphius. "And you said it was a terrible gift," said Sarah. "See, we found a use for it after all!" The next day came; at 3:00 PM in the afternoon, Roofus barged into Adelphius' bedroom. He laid on top of him with his warm doggy body and he licked his master's face. "Mm, not now," said Adelphius. Roofus ran around in a circle and then barked. Barked, and barked, and barked. But Adelphius remained motionless. "Not in the mood," said Adelphius. Roofus went back to the floor, and ripped away Adelphius' blanket. He curled into a ball. He rubbed his eyes. "Agh, alright, I'll get up," he said. "What time is it?" He looked at his alarm clock with the neon green letters. "Oh goodness," said Adelphius. "It's 3:00 in the afternoon! Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" Adelphius put on his furry slippers and ran into the hallway, where he bumped into Joseph. "Morning, dad," said Joseph sarcastically. He had on a backpack. "What's all this then?" said Adelphius. "The strike's ending," Joseph continued. "I'll be going back to Toronto on Monday." "Oh, wow," said Adelphius. "By and by, why didn't you wake me up?" "You looked tired," said Joseph. "Plus, mom's got a handle on the farm. These machines do practically all the work. You're pretty much just a land owner at this point." "Hm, yes, teh machines," said Adelphius. Adelphius, without further talking to his son, went downstairs. He could smell that Sarah was preparing something for dinner. Emily, his sweet daughter, meanwhile was on the floor doing some homework she had to do. Just coloring in pictures really. She glanced up. "Evening," said Emily. "You look in a rush, daddy." "Just going out to check on things," said Adelphius. "Aaah, going to the mailbox?" said Emily. "Yes," said Adelphius. "Then you ought to put on some pants," said Emily. Adelphius looked down at his bare legs and underwear. He ran upstairs, grabbed a pair or trousers, and then returned to the living. "I'll be back," said Adelphius, moving toward the front door. "Bye, bye," Emily waved. Adelphius stepped outside in boots. The cold, Manitobian weather had returned. He walked down the driveway, and went to the mailbox, which stood on a wooden post. He pushed down a little flag and opened the door to the mailbox. He took out the letters. He looked at them in his hands, putting one behind the other as he went on. "Bills, bills, bills," he kept on muttering. "Is there anything that isn't bills?" He pushed up his eyebrows in surprise. "Ah, a coupon booklet." He opened the coupon booklet. "Oooh, two for one coupon," said Adelphius, looking at the coupon booklet. "Two shoes for the price of one. Made out of 100% genuine mule leather. Hmm... Maybe that'd be a good present for Sarah. She likes stubborn animals." Adelphius turned his head and saw Sarah cooking, and waving from the farm house window.

he waved back, then went back to the mail he'd received. He opened an envelope from General Electric. It was a bill due for the 21th [sic] payment for his set of very fine farming equipment. The total: $50,000. "Oh gumdrops," said Adelphius. He went into his pocket and took out his bank book. He looked at his last statement. He had $50,001. Enough for a payment, but not enough much more. Unfortunately, due to a scare about tainted meet, pork and beef in particular, sales had been slower than normal. "How'm I supposed to buy Sarah a present now?" said Adelphius. "How'm I supposed to pay for gas and electric and feed and everything else?! Crisis!" Adelphius stuffed the mail into his back pocket and returned to the farmhouse. As soon as he stepped in Sarah was there to greet him with a smile. She was feeling particularly happy today, despite recent tragedies, as her birthday was coming up soon. "Hi," said Sarah. "Anything in the mail for me?" Despite the cold weather there was sweating dripping from Adelphius' forehead. He handed Sarah the coupon booklet. "That's all?" said Sarah. "Why, do you have reason to suspect otherwise?" said Adelphius. "You think I'm a criminal now 'cause I spent some time in the slammer?" "Nooo," said Sarah. "I do not." "Well then..." said Adelphius. "Very well," said Sarah. "Yes." "Mhm." Sarah returned to the kitchen. Adelphius wiped his brow. He jogged past Emily -- "What's the rush, daddy?" she said -- and retreated into Big Pa's old bedroom, which was on the first floor. He locked the door behind himself and sat down on the old chair before the office desk. On the desk were pictures of Big Pa and the family, and miscellaneous objects, like bottle caps, and special edition Canadian quarters. Canadian quarters, you may recognize them by the moose. "Oh, Lord," said Adelphius. He tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling. "What is wrong with me?" He took out the mail from his pocket and placed it down on the desk. He then rested his head in his hands. While thinking to himself, his eye's darted aside, noticing a newspaper nearby. Bored, he picked it up. It was the Toronto Sun dated for the day. He went to the Sunshine girl, and then randomly flipped through the pages. As he was browsing he saw a peculiar, large, full page, color advert. It read in bold lettering: "CONTRIBUTE TO THE WORLD OF SCIENCE. EARN $100,000 AS A TEST SUBJECT IN A HIGHLY VOLATILE, DANGEROUS EXPERIMENT. For more details call: 555KLONDIKE. Limited spots available." Adelphius sat up and looked at the phone. "Should I?" he said. Then there was a knock at the door, "Adelphius dear, are you okay in there?" "Am fine," said Adelphius. "What're you doing?" said Sarah. "Thinking," said Adelphius. "Oh, alright," said Sarah. She went away. Meanwhile, Adelphius tapped his fingers on the desk in front of him, thinking what to do. He reached over and picked up the phone receiver. He put it up to his ear. He heard his son's voice. "So then I says to Dylan, if you love it so much, why don't you just marry it? And then he went " "Sorry, son," Adelphius interrupted, "but I am in urgent use of the phone?"

"Who's that?" said a voice that wasn't Joseph's. Obviously because it was female. "Um, my dad," said Joseph. "I'll talk to you later. Alright?" Joseph hung up the phone. A few seconds went by. "Hellooooooo?" said the female voice. "Yes," said Adelphius. "Where's Joseph?" "I don't know. He hung up." "He never said goodbye." "Kids these days." "Okay, goodbye then." "Goodbye." The other side hung up, and Adelphius was free to make a phone call. He called the number from the newspaper advert (555-Klondike) and was met with a stranger. "Hello," said Lucinda over the phone, "you've reached Scientific Instruments International Incorporated, a partner of the University of Waterloo. How may I help you today?" "Hi," said Adelphius, "am callin' about an advert in your newspaper. It says that you need test subjects." "Why, yes," said Lucinda. "We do. There is one more slot left which you can fill." "I have a few questions though," said Adelphius. "Go on." "It says that the experiment'll be dangerous. What's the truth to that?" "It's not dangerous." "Oh, then why'd you say that in the advert?" "Because we don't want to get people that will back out last minute. It's difficult to reschedule." "How difficult could it be? You switch some numbers around." "Sir, you are testing my temper." "Sorry. I just wanna know a bit more. Like what exactly will you be experimenting?" "It's a secret." "Well, if that's the case, then I respect your decision." "Thank you." "How can I sign up?" "Give me your details and we'll make an arrangement. Do you have a pen and paper handy?" "Sure do." Adelphius retrieved a piece of paper and pen. A blue Bic. The Big Bang Adelphius steered his truck down a gravel-y path, and parked under the shade of a tree. When he stepped out he was greeted by a man named Homer. Homer, who was oddly named after The Simpsons' cartoon character in 1990, was coincidentally bald and fat. He held onto a clipboard and pen. "Hello," said Homer. "How are you doing?" "Fine," said Adelphius. "And who are you? Please?" "Homer Sampson," said Homer. "That's Sampson, not Simpson. Parents thought it would be funny to name me after that yellow cartoon character. Though I much prefer Family Guy." "Riiight," said Adelphius. "Anywho," said Homer, "I'm a volunteer for this magnificent science project. I'm here to help guide and help volunteers and participants. I'm assuming you're here to be part of the experiment? What is your name?"

"Adelphius, Adelphius Goode," said Adelphius. Homer looked at his clipboard. He flipped a sheet of paper. "Ah, here we are," said Homer. "You're going to be a test subject. Wow. Lucky you. You get $100,000 for a half hour experiment." "Do I?" said Adelphius. "Yes," said Homer. "Would you please follow me?" "Alright," said Adelphius. "But don't forget -- show me the money! Show me the money!" "What's that?" said Homer. "Erm, never mind," said Adelphius. Adelphius followed Homer out into a bare, open field. There were a group of scientists -recognizable by their white coats and protective goggles -- tinkering with a large, metal, circular pad, 100 feet in diameter, embedded with circuitry, and strange markings. There was also another set of people, sat in chairs behind a table, where atop sat computer equipment. "What a setup," said Adelphius. "It certainly is," said Homer. "Make your way over there, please." He put out his arm, pointing to a man with an overly pointy head and an off-white coat. Off-white because it was dirty. Adelphius went up to the man with the pointy head, who was making indecipherable gestures in the air, as if he was trying to make calculations. "'Hello, there," said Adelphius. "I was told to see you." "Yes, yes," said Professor Maxtome. "Please, have a seat." Adelphius looked around. "Where?" he said. "Ah, just a moment," said Professor Maxtome. He went into his pocket and took out a little, tiny chair, no bigger than a mobile phone. He placed it on the ground, then dropped some liquid onto it. "What are you doing?" said Adelphius. "Shhh," said Professor Maxtone. "Patience." When he stepped back the little, tiny chair he had put onto the ground grew to normal size, large enough for a man. "That for me?" said Adelphius, who looked confused. "Yes," said Professor Maxtome. "If you please." "Alright," said Adelphius, and he sat down on the chair that was provided for him. "What's this all about?" "We've to check your health," said Professor Maxtome. Maxtome put a band around his head that had a shiny metal disc affixed to the front. Then he put on powder blue, rubbery, latex gloves, which gave a good "snap" noise. Adelphius appeared nervous. "Don't worry," said Maxtome, while rubbing Adelphius' shoulder. "All we're doing is a checkup. We need to see whether you're fit enough to do this test." "Shouldn't you have done this before?" said Adelphius. "Oh no," said Maxtome. "Otherwise people could cheat. After all, $100,000 Canadian is a large sum of money. It's not American dollars you're receiving. Now, would you care to stay as still as possible?" "I'll try my best," said Adelphius. Maxtome took out a caliper (a type of ruler) and measured the top of Adelphius' skull. Afterward he shone a light in his eye. Adelphius' pupils changed in size. "Please stick out your tongue," said Maxtome. Adelphius went "aaaah" to stick out his tongue. Maxtome put a tongue depressor on top of it and ever so slightly pushed down. Adelphius closed his mouth, then he got knocked on the knee, had his skin pinched, and was told to balance on one foot.

As the testing went on, Maxtome, every now and then, would go, "Mmm, mmm, yes," and mentally check off things in his head. What they were, Adelphius wasn't sure. But soon the health checkup was over. Maxtome patted him on the shoulder, telling him to stand. "All done," said Maxtome. "That's it?" Adelphius said sarcastically. "Sure you didn't forget anything? Like, I dunno, putting a finger up my bum?" "Yes," said Maxtome. "I did forgot something." He pricked Adelphius with a needle. "Youch!" said Adelphius. "What the heck is even in that thing?" "It's an anti-sick substance," said Maxtome. "You need it for the experiment." He gave Adelphius a bandage for his tiny wound. "By and by," said Adelphius, "what the heck is this experiment all about?" "You do not know?" said Maxtome. "I keep asking," said Adelphius, "and all I get is back wind." "Back wind?" "The wind that comes out of your back." "I see..." Maxtome stroked his chin. "Okay," said Adelphius. "You can stop stroking yourself and answer my question." "Ah, yes," said Maxtome. "The experiment. We are experimenting with instantaneous transportation." "And you'll be testing it on me?" "That's the idea." "Must be pretty darn dangerous, if you're willing to shell out $100,000." "We indicated that in the advert -- however, I feel it was an exaggeration for legal reasons. We have already done preliminary testing on Chimpanzees and guinea pigs." "And the animals turned out okay?" "A few were incinerated." "Incinerated?" "But not to worry. We've worked out the bugs. Our faithful chimp named Bubbles the Second survived the very last test...we believe." "Why did you say 'we believe'?" "Well, um, for the reason, because it's what we believe. Is there something wrong with my wording?" "The way you said it sounds off." "It isn't off, and if you hear my voice cracking it's only because I'm filled with excitement. You'll be the first ever human being to use our machine. You will be a part of history. Think of yourself as Neil Armstrong or Buzz Lightyear." "Neil Armstrong? That name sounds made up." "Well, it isn't." Adelphius thought for a moment in silence. "Having second thoughts?" said Maxtome. "Do you not like the idea of being the first? Would you like to go later on, after some other people have went?" "No, I do like the idea of being first for the experiment," said Adelphius. "That's where all the glory is. It's like when you take a person's virginity." "Exactly," said Maxtome. "The first one is always remembered... The second too, I guess. But definitely not the third." "Yeah," said Adelphius. "Ain't nobody wanna be the third person to land on a woman's moon. Speaking of which, who is the third person to land on the moon?"

"Nobody knows," said Maxtome. "It's one of life's mysteries. "Maybe, I'll Google it later on," said Adelphius. "Definitely, not now," said Maxtome. He looked at his watch. "You have to get going." Maxtome pushed Adelphius toward the large, metallic circle in the middle of the field, which was most certainly the instantaneous transporter. "Am going, am going," said Adelphius. "No need to push." "Then hurry up," said Maxtome. Adelphius approached the instantaneous transporter, but before he could get onto it someone quickly stepped in front of him. This person, who stepped in front of him, was wearing a bright orange hazardous materials suit (i.e. a hazmat suit) and had some sort of electronic wand in her hand. She scanned Adelphius up and down, and made strange electronic noises, nothing that could be found in nature. "Whatcha doing there?" said Adelphius, looking at the lady scanning around his groin area. A voice through a heavy filter explained, "We're checking for radioactive decay." "Right," said Adelphius. "I understand." "Do you?" said the lady in the hazmat suit. Adelphius looked embarrassed. "No, ma'am," he said. Then the lady in the hazmat suit went away, and was replaced by a gentleman smoking in an an ocean blue suit, with a red hankie. He grabbed Adelphius' hand and shook it. "Nice to meet you," said Mr. Wolfe. "Who are you?" said Adelphius. "I'm the director of this project," said Mr. Wolfe. "I'm CEO of S.I.I.I... Scientific Instruments International Incorporated. We partnered with the University of Waterloo and its scientists to get this project off the ground. I'm very glad that you chose to come aboard and make history with us. When we prove that our device works, when we prove that instantaneous transportation is not just a dream, and that's it's safe for everyone, we will change the world in ways you couldn't imagine. Think about it, traveling from point A to point B, anywhere on earth, in a matter of seconds. Not only is it going to make me stupendously rich, but it's going to shrink this planet in an order of magnitude greater than the jet engine and internet combined. How about that?" "When will this test begin?" said Adelphius. "I'm getting bored." "The scientists are making a few adjustments on our little gadget," said Mr. Wolfe. "Don't worry. We'll tell you when it's ready." "How long is that gonna take?" said Adelphius. Then Mr. Wolfe looked down at his watch and started counting down, "In five, four, three, two..." Suddenly a man in overalls came out with what looked like a giant hamster ball. He rolled it into the middle of the metallic circle pad, and placed it into a groove. He opened the hatch that was on its side by turning a handle in the shape of a wheel (i.e. the hatch operating wheel). "Open for business!" said the man in overalls. "Let's rock and/or roll!" "You ready?" said Mr. Wolfe to Adelphius. Adelphius swallowed some spit, which traveled slowly down his throat. "I think so," he said. "Good," said Mr. Wolfe. He patted Adelphius on the shoulder. "I am too." Mr. Wolfe walked away and went behind an observation shield, a large piece of special glass designed to protect against bullets, blasts, projectiles, acids, fire, and explosions. It was kept upright by titanium legs, was as tall as two average sized men, and spanned over 30 feet. It was a heavy object that could only be set up by machines, and brought in via heavy duty, military truck, and crane. "Carry on," said Mr. Wolfe as he put on darkened goggles.

He became surrounded by men and women, distinguished individuals, who communicated (mainly) through loud speaker, and walkie-talkies. "Aren't there other people who'll be participating in this experiment?" said Adelphius. "Later on," said Mr. Wolfe. "Remember, you're the first? The others will come later on, after we see exactly what happens to you." Adelphius trembled a bit, unsure what was ahead of him, but he remained unwavering as he thought of Sarah, and his family, and how he needed that $100,000 for his farm. "Okay," said Mr. Wolfe, now through a megaphone to amplify his voice. "Let us begin!" Two study looking men surrounded Adelphius on either side, and then guided him toward the middle of the metallic, circular pad -- the instantaneous transportation machine -- where laid the giant hamster ball. They instructed him to get inside. "Am a bit claustrophobic," said Adelphius. "I don't like small spaces." "Close your eyes then," they snickered. "When you close your eyes everything seems infinite." "I don't think that'll work," said Adelphius. "You have to do it." And Adelphius felt himself being pushed into the giant hamster ball until the hatch was closed upon him. He looked through the curved walls of the thing that contained him, and he saw the two men who assisted him jog off behind the observation shield, where it seemed everyone was gathered. "Excuse me," said Adelphius in the giant hamster ball, his voice echoed, "but is this going to hurt?" No one could hear him. He tried desperately pushing at the hatch to let himself out, but to no avail. "Stay calm," said Mr. Wolfe through his megaphone. "We are seconds away from beginning. Be as still as possible." Adelphius did as he was told, and even held himself to stop any involuntary movements. He started into the outside world, and saw the scientists fiddling around with an electronic board that had numerous switches and buttons. The head scientist, who had a huge, spiky Afro, put his hand into the air, with his fingers spread out, and then counted down silently by putting each of them down, one by one. "Oh, Lord Jesus," said Adelphius, "keep me safe. What are those people doing now?" He observed the scientists flipping down switches, from left to right, then when they were all down, they pressed a big red button, and turned three keys -- and in that instant a flash of light hit his Adelphius' eyes, blinding him entirely. As he screamed in pain he could feel himself spinning and turning. "Lord Jesus!" cried Adelphius. "Lord Jesus! What have I done?!" Suddenly he vomited in his giant hamster ball. "Argh, why did I have baked beans and muesli for breakfast?!" A New World Order Caked in his own vomit, Adelphius opened his eyes, and finally awoke. He was still stuck in his giant hamster ball, encased in its impenetrable transparent material. He pushed up at the hatch, and surprisingly it opened. He stuck his head out, wiped off his eyes, and looked around. "Hellooo?" he said. "Is anyone there?" Adelphius climbed out of his giant hamster ball, in a manner opposite to gingerly, and fell face first into the ground. Thankfully, it wasn't too hard. He got up with a groan and stood up slowly. He put his hand over his eyes, as if a visor, and squinted. He looked for the scientists, and then in the distance he could see some people...people and horses, trotting about on the grass. However, the people and horses were not cohabiting in a way that he was used to. The horses were riding atop the men -- who had on nothing but saddles -- and whipping them red on their bottoms.

"What in the good name of Jesus is going on?" said Adelphius, carefully observing. "Must be that thing they call performance art. Perhaps the horses are really just men in horse suits... Could happen. Don't tell me it wouldn't. Nobody done thought 9-11 would happen, but then it happened. The country established a reliable, national, emergency telephone service." A completely naked man, with a saddle on his back, ambled over to Adelphius, getting too close for comfort, but Adelphius had some questions for him. "Excuse me," said Adelphius, "could I bother you for a minute?" The naked man looked at Adelphius. "Hm, what are those things you have on?" he said. "What things?" said Adelphius. "These things," said the naked man, pointing, and touching Adelphius' clothes. Adelphius was confused. "A shirt?" he said. "Ah, a shirt," said the naked man. "That word sounds awfully familiar." "Yeeeah, anyways," said Adelphius, "are you by any chance with the scientists? I'm not sure that you are, but I was part of an experiment for instantaneous transportation, and I figured they might've zapped me into the wrong place." "I have no idea what you're talking about." "Hm, is that so? Well, could you tell me where I am?" "You are on the ranch." "I mean, what city am I in?" "City?What's that mean?" "You really don't -- okay, what country am I in?" "Yes! Country. You don't know what country you're in?" "I'm a tourist, let's say." "Okay. You are in a big country." "Mhm." "It's a big island, surrounded by water." "Mhm." "And the weather is pretty good." "Mhm." "And the plants that grow around here are very tasty." "Mhm." "And the name of the country is... Uuuh, let's see, let's see, what is the name of the country?" "You don't know the name of the country you're living in?" "I'm thinking. It's hard to remember after so many whippings. My bottom is so sore." "I see." "Yes, I believe, they call it Crittoria." "How close is it to Canada?" "What is Canada?" "...Are you an American?" "Ameri-what?" "Oh boy. I think I'll go and talk to someone else; thank you very much for your time." "Surrre, no problem." As Adelphius went off, the naked man went up to the wooden fence, and used it to scratch his back. Adelphius walked ahead, trying not to stare too hard at any penises. He calmly went up to a woman, who had a horse on her back that was oddly dressed in a cowboy outfit, and cleared his throat." "Ahem, excuse me, miss," he said. "I don't mean to bother you, but --" The Horse looked at Adelphius and bellowed, "Where is your rider?"

"Pardon?" said Adelphius. "Wait, are you a talking horse?" The horse got off the woman he was riding, and went over to Adelphius, and grabbed him by the arm, and began dragging him along. "Come along, you stupid beast," said the Horse. He glanced at Adelphius "Where ever did you get those silly clothes from?" "Where are you taking me?" said Adelphius. "Hey, hey, not so hard!" "I could have sworn they fixed the stable door," said the Horse. "Stable?" said Adelphius. Adelphius broke free of the Horse and started running away. But the Horse took out a lasso, and threw the loop around his neck, then tightened it. Adelphius could hardly breathe with the rope around him. "Ack!" said Adelphius, struggling. "Let me go!" The Horse hoisted up Adelphius, and literally dragged him along. Adelphius could barely keep on his feet, but he kept jogging behind to keep from dying of lack of air. Soon the two got to the ranch's stable, where many other people were kept. The Horse opened the door. "Hm, latch doesn't seem to be broken," he said. He looked at Adelphius and wagged his hoof. "Now don't you go trying to escape again, alright? Otherwise it's the glue factory, y'hear?" The Horse removed Adelphius' lassoo, then locked him up into a box stall (a cubicle, if you will). When he went away, Adelphius grasped the bars that were in front of him, and yelled, "What the hell is this?!" "Shhhh," said a voice. "You don't wanna be too loud, otherwise you'll get punished." "Who are you?" said Adelphius. "The horses call me 'number 9', but I prefer the name Terry," said Terry. "Nice to meet you," said Adelphius. "Likewise," said Terry. "Okay," said Adelphius, "so, what's going on here? "You new?" said Terry. "Yes, I believe I am.' "Ooooh." "Why the 'oooooh'?" "I said 'ooooh' not 'oooooh'." "Okay, why that?" "Nothing. It's just fancy meeting a new person." "I see." "Mhm.' "Well, could you explain to me why there are horses riding around on human beings?" "This is a ranch, don't you know? They ride us around for sport and leisure." "Why?" "I don't know. They could use something else, I think, like their own legs." "I realize that, but my question isn't what are they doing with us, but how has this come to be? How is it that there are goddamn talking horses, who corral everyone around as if they were the animals? Is some sort of joke?" "Ain't no joke. But I wouldn't complain. It's pretty good living here." "You call this good living?" "Yuuup. Sure do." Adelphius banged his head on the bars in front of him. At that moment a new voice spoke up. "Pssst," it said. "Ignore that idiot." "Hey, who's that?" said Adelphius, trying to comprehend what was going on, with a sudden

pounding headache. "I know all about you," said the voice. "You do?" said Adelphius. "Are you one of the scientists?" "No," said the voice. "But I am a believer." "A believer in what?" said Adelphius. A dwarf appeared before Adelphius, under a ray of light. He was wearing clothes like any modern person would. "A midget," said Adelphius. "Dwarf is the politically correct term," said the dwarf named David. (Yes, David the Dwarf.) "And what are you a believer in?" said Adelphius. "I am a believe in the prophecy," said David. "Oh and my name's David by the way." "I'm Adelphius," said Adelphius. "And what about this prophecy?" "The prophecy, which has been foretold in my family for generations," said David, "speak of a strange looking man who will free and emancipated all human beings, and make us as equal as the fuzzies." "The fuzzies? And I'm not that strange looking." "Yes, the fuzzies. They are animals the animals who rule over us humans. They are the ones exploiting us. They are comprised of a variety of cute, fuzzy animals. Well, some not so cute." "Hm. They are the ones exploiting us, you say? You say that like there are others." "Yes, there are others. You see, this country island is divided equally into two parts: the territory of the fuzzies, which north, and the territory of the insects, which is south. They are divided by an enormous wall, hundreds of feet high, and thousands of miles long." "Why are they divided?" "The insects believe that humans should be free and that they should not be used as slaves. They and the fuzzies are constantly having battles by the wall. The balance is more delicate than you know." "And how do I come into this whole prophecy?" "I'm not sure. Your destiny is unclear, but they say you are clever, and ingenuitive, and you will free us all. That is for certain. You will be the catalyst that causes the change." "Are there others like you?" "Yes, there are more, some even smarter than me and wiser, but they are a dying breed as we are dismissed and called crazy for thinking and hoping that things will be different." "Are you going to free me?" "No. I cannot free you." "Why not?" "It is foretold in the prophecy that you are made to race, and that this sets off the chain of events, which leads to our triumph." "Then why are you here? And what you mean I have to race?" "All the humans in this stable are being trained for racing. If you are a prize winning human, then you will be rewarded. But if you lose... It's off to a French Deli." "Meaning what?" "You will be served with a side of potatos." "What! Get me out of here!" "I can't!" "Yes, you can! You little bastard! And what further infuriates me is you told me my destiny is unclear! Yet you seem to know quite some details about it!" "I know bits and pieces, alright? I'm not a very good listener." "And why are you here again, if not to free me? Or anyone else?" "I want to get your autograph. You'll be famous one day."

"Are you serious?" David took out a crude looking piece of paper and pencil, and held it up to Adelphius. Adelphius took his items and threw them on the floor. "Autograph be damned," said Adelphius. "Why, you can't write?" said David. "I thought the messiah would be smarter. I guess you aren't him." "I can read and write," said Adelphius. "But I'm a little distressed at the moment. Apparently, I'm living in a bizarro world, where horses ride men, and insects are at war with animals you call fuzzies!" "I understand, but I must be going now. Good luck to you on your journey. I will be rooting for you!" "Seriously. You won't even let me out?" "I cannot interfere in fate and the plans of the universe." "What kinda religious mumbo-jumbo is that?" "Be safe, Messiah!" "Wait! Come back, you little monkey!" David the dwarf left Adelphius to stay in what was effectively his prison cell. Adelphius slumped his shoulders and tried looking for a way to escape, but there were no large enough gaps or holes in his box stall, and the door was locked firmly with a key. Not knowing what to do, unsure whether he was having a dream, he curled up in the corner and laid atop some hay, and went to bed. Cloak and Dagger The next morning came. Adelphius rubbed his eyes, and saw his dear wife Sarah, and his two dear children, Emily and Joseph...and Big Pa. Big Pa? Adelphius shook his head, casting away the images that were fed to him by his brain in his half awoken state. He stood to his feet, slowly, and saw that he was still at the ranch, in his stall. As he groaned, and looked out, he heard the noise of hooves clattering on the ground. The Horse, who had put the lasso around his neck came inside the stable. The Horse looked at Adelphius with its big, beady, black eyes. "How you doing, girl?" the Horse whispered to Adelphius. "Am not a girl," said Adelphius. "Easy now," said the Horse. "No need to get upset." The Horse electro-shocked Adelphius with a stun weapon, partially incapacitating him. He opened the box stall, with a key, and took him out. He affixed reigns onto his head, then dragged him along. "Where are we going?" said Adelphius in a slurred voice. "You're going to make me rich a very rich horse," said the Horse. "Whaat?" said Adelphius. "You look exactly like my other, prize winning human." "Huh?" "I'm going to make you race in the race instead of him." "I don't get it." "And you're going to lose. Big time. He-he. No one will see it coming." "Again. I don't get it." "Yeah. It's pretty sneak, huh? I'll bet on the second best human, and let my human lose the race. Then it's payday. Of course I don't want anyone to suspect anything, so I'm having a close friend place the bet for me. He'll be getting a cut of course." "You're a horse? Why do you need money?"

"Do you think it's greedy of me? I know it is, but human races just aren't paying out enough these days." "Let me get this straight, huh... You're going to put me in race in place of your usually human, who usually wins his races, then you're going to bet on the second best horse, have me lose intentionally, and collect a large sum of money?" "Okay, let's just keep this a secret between you and me, eh?" "I'm not going to keep it a secret. I'm going to the press, you horse man thingy!!!" "Attaboy!" "Damn you. You don't even understand what I'm saying, do you? But we're speaking the same language -- aren't we?" "...So then I says to Ed, if you like it so much, why don't you marry it?" Adelphius groaned. The Horse took him outside, into the pasture, where there were other human beings. The pasture was a wide, open space, enclosed by hedges, with plenty of troughs filled with water and food. The food was plain, cold, unsweetened porridge. The Horse let go of Adelphius' reins and nudged him forward. But Adelphius was reluctant. "Go on," said the Horse, looking out at the pasture, "what are you waiting for? Have something to and eat and drink, we have a lot of training to do. You might look like my prize winning human, but you sure are a lot dumber." "I'm not in the mood for porridge and water in a trough," said Adelphius. "And I'm not dumb." The Horse took out his whip smacked Adelphius on the arse. "Stop that," said Adelphius. "It's abuse." The Horse smacked Adelphius again. "Come on now," said the Horse. "What's with you? Get moving? Have some water. Do I have to lead you there myself?" "I refuse!" said Adelphius. "Oh boy," said the Horse. "I have a real piece of work on my hands, don't I? Gus, what have you gotten yourself into? Why did you pick up this stray human? It probably belongs to someone else. Oh, Gus. Gussy, Gus, Gus. You make such irrational decisions sometimes. How did you get yourself into a mess like this? You and your plans to get rich quick. But what am I to do? I've already begun. I have to finish this, otherwise, you know what will happen, Gus. Stick to it, Gus." "Your name is Gus?" said Adelphius. "Shaddap!" said the Horse. "I'm sick of your whining." He whipped Adelphius harder than ever before. "Get going, you stubborn beast!" Adelphius jogged off, and joined the others. Once again, he was the only one wearing any clothes. The Horse had for the moment neglected to deprive him of his civility. Maybe he was under too much stress. Adelphius stood by the food, beside the woman who was eating porridge without the use of her hands. She only stuck out her tongue to lick up her food. "Um, why don't you use your hands?" said Adelphius. The woman named Cindel raised up and looked at him. "Who are you?" said Cindel. "Why would I use my hands? They're dirty." "Okay, then use a spoon," said Adelphius. "A spoon?" said Cindel. "Oh, boy," said Adelphius. "Are you that prize winning human?" "No." "You are! Oh, wow! I can't believe I'm meeting a celebrity. Would you like to mate?" "What?" "Sex, would you like to have sex?" "No. I'm married. Even if I wasn't, I'm not into premarital."

"So, no sex?" "No sex." "If you have sex with me, I'll help you escape." "You know how to escape?" "See those hedges that are keeping us in?" "Yeah?" "Just climb through it and start running away." "It couldn't be that simple. If it was, then wouldn't everyone leave?" "No! It's a good living here. Free food, clean water, sex, and all we have to do is carry horses on our back, and run. What could be better? Why would anyone want to leave?" "What if you lose your races? Isn't it off to the glue factory?" "What's glue?" "Ugh, never mind." Adelphius walked around the pasture, trying not to call attention to himself. He looked at the Horse, who was chewing on a toothpick, and standing on two legs like a person, and then at the hedges which neatly surrounded and enclosed the area. "Alright," Adelphius said to himself. "Time to make your escape. When the moment's exactly right: 3, 2, and... 1!" Adelphius bolted and ran toward the hedges. He compacted his body, like a spring, and bounced forward. At this moment time seemed to slow down. He looked below and saw something that he had never noticed before -- an array of electrified wires to keep in the humans. The Race Nearly a week went by. Adelphius found his escape to be practically impossible. The horses, and his "master" the Horse kept a very good eye on him. As they were wary of thieves, who dared tamper with the race humans, they had set up a tighter than tight security system. The hidden electric barrier was just one of dozens of methods to keep everything out in equal parts to in. Today Adelphius was being prepped for his race. He was at the racetrack, in the "underbelly," being tended to in the stable area. Doctor Edwin, the horse doctor (literally a horse and a doctor), was doing his inspections, making sure that there was no funny business. "Mhm, mhm," said Dr. Edwin. "Mhm." "What are you doing?" said Adelphius. Dr. Edwin stuck a thermometer into Adelphius' rear without even asking. "Agh!" went Adelphius. "Yep, they can get a bit nervous before races," said Dr. Edwin. He looked at the temperature of the thermometer. "But I don't think that will be a problem. Your human has won every race, since we got here." "Yes," said the Horse, "but the prizes keep getting smaller and smaller, so what even is the point? I'm breaking even if you consider all the upkeep." "Do you not sell the sperm?" said Dr. Edwin. "No, um, I can't," said the Horse. "He's infertile. Unfortunately." "Heh," said Dr. Edwin. He pulled the thermometer out of Adelphius' butt. "That must be what makes him a winner." "Yeah, maybe," said the Horse. Dr. Edwin took Adelphius with a needle. "Watch it!" said Adelphius. Dr. Edwin drew blood, and then put it into a vial, and placed it into a centrifuge, a medical device that spins liquids in order to cause separation of substances.

"So, Gus," said Dr. Edwin. His tail swished about. "How's the missus?" "She's fine," said the Horse, "but she complains about the size of my..." "Your, yes?" said Dr. Edwin. He was typing on a computer. "You know," said the Horse. "Say no more. What exactly is the problem with your 'you know'? Too big? Too small?" "Too small, she says. It's only 15 inches when erect." "Oh, God." "Oh, God?" "I mean... Hey, don't worry about it. It's how you use it that counts, not the size." "But, you know, I suspect her complaints are really just a symptom of being dissatisfied with our marriage. She never complained about it before." "Why's she dissatisfied?" "I suspect she's jealous of what the neighbors have. She's always talking about how the 'Lucky Human Shoe Ranch' is so much better...and more profitable. I mean Jesus Christ, can she never be pleased with what I give her?" "You mean 15 inches? Ha-ha." "Oh, shut up." "Relax, Gus. I'm kidding. I'm taking the piss." "Hurry this up will you?" "Alright, alright, almost done." Dr. Edwin pressed a key on his computer, and removed the blood sample from his centrifuge. He dropped some of it onto litmus paper, ans then examined some of it on a microscope slide. He jotted down some notes. "Okay," said Dr. Edwin. He neighed. "It seems your human is drug free. Enjoy the race." "Thank you," said the Horse. The next moment, Adelphius found himself naked (save for his saddle and the horse jockey on his back, behind a gate) where there were other humans ready to run on the race track. "My back is so sore," said Adelphius. "Quiet down now," said the Horse Jockey. "You have to concentrate, Tootsie Pop, otherwise we'll lose." "Tootsie Pop?" said Adelphius. The Horse Jockey preened Adelphius' hair. "Shhh, shh," said the Horse Jockey. "It's going to go fine." Adelphius looked to his left, and right. He looked at the other humans, with their heads down and forward, waiting to jump out the gate. he also took note of the crowd, which was filled with horses, more than he had ever seen back on Earth; unless of course he was on Earth, and it was kind of a Planet of the Apes thing. Some horses in the crowd waved their betting tickets. One shouted out, "Go Tootsie Pop! I'm counting on you, so I can send my kids to college!" "Yeah, I'll try my best," Adelphius groaned. Then suddenly a bell rang, the gates before all the humans on the race track opened, and a voice shouted, "AND THEIR OFF! Sorry, I mean THEY'RE off!" With everyone cheering, the humans all started running as fast as they could down the dirt paths before them, they panted, and sweated, as the horses riding atop them whipped them on their buttocks. Adelphius, who wasn't doing particularly well, couldn't stand his own jockey who tried encouraging him. "Come on, you little whore, let's win this race!" said the Horse Jockey. "Don't let up now! We've never lost a Kentucky Fried Derby before!"

"Okay, easy, asshole," said Adelphius, who was sweating like he never had before. "Am trying to go as fast as I can." "ndele! ndele!" said the Horse Jockey. He used his whip. "Arriba! Arriba." "That's it, son of a bitch," said Adelphius. He dumped the Horse Jockey of his back by throwing himself forward. The Horse Jockey, to the shock of the spectators, fell straight on his long horsie nose, which made a loud CRUNCH noise. "Good riddance!" said Adelphius. Then he turned around, away from the race, and headed for the horses in the grand stand. They shielded their faces, while screaming, afraid of the savage animal running between them. "Out of the way!" said Adelphius. He got to the visitor's exit, and ran through the parking lot. Horses getting out of their cars were baffled at the sight, but Adelphius kept on going, as if it were life and death. He kept going until he reached the road. He looked over his shoulder, and saw horses in uniforms running toward him. "Shit, shit," said Adelphius. And he closed his eyes for a moment, and leapt into traffic. The drivers stepped on their breaks, but couldn't avoid collision. As one car stopped, another went into its back, and into that another, and another, until it became a real fricking pile up. But Adelphius didn't care. He crossed the road, and stepped forward -- onto a steep drop. In the pandemonium, he didn't see what laid ahead, he didn't see how the road ended, and dropped off into a thick, lush forest. He screamed as he tripped, and tumbled down, rolling down the soil riddled with twigs and stones. When he got to the bottom he looked up, and saw no one in pursuit of him, yet he continued to run. He ran, and he ran as fast as his legs would take him, until he collapsed to the ground, which was littered with leaves. He tried getting up by propping himself up against a fallen tree trunk, but could only rest his body atop. There he laid. As he laid he heard a rustling in the trees. He lifted his head, just slightly, and looked above the bushes. There were two deers, each standing on two legs like people, in bright orange vests, with those silly furry hats atop their heads. They were packing heat too. They both had loaded shotguns. "This place keeps getting weirder and weirder," Adelphius whispered. "Did you hear something?" said one of the deers. His name was Graham. "Yes," said his companion called Ethan. "I did." He pointed his hoof that looked more like hand. "It's coming from this direction." The two deer started heading in Adelphius' direction, "Oh shit," he said. He covered his mouth. Then he dropped down, and laid low behind the tree trunk, hoping they would miss him. "You got your tags with you?" said Ethan. "Yah, yah," said Graham. "Stop reminding me." "You're always forgetting things," said Ethan. "I know," said Graham. "Stupid me." "By the way," said Ethan, "what are you getting your wife for your anniversary?" "A nice leather coat." "A leather coat, huh? From where? Zellers?" "And you think I'm the stupid one." "What?" "Ethan, why do you think we're out here?" "Aaah, gotcha. You're gonna DIY it, aren't you?" "Yup. It's a good idea too. Not only will I get a coat for my wife, but dinner as well." "She cooking?" "What do I look like? A woman? Of course she'll be cooking."

"That's kinda sexist." "And what do you want me to do? Burn down our house for reasons of equality? You know I can't cook worth a damn." Adelphius, in hiding, rolled his eyes. He made a mouth with his hand. "Yap, yap," he said to himself, moving his hand. "Will these guys just shut up and shoot me already?" Then wish granted, the two deers jumped out, and aimed their guns squarely at Adelphius. Adelphius looked up and quivered. "Please don't hurt me," Adelphius begged. Ethan looked at his deer pal, Graham, "Don't you think this is a bizarre way to hunt? I mean...shouldn't we be hiding and be stealthy?" "I like to see my prey up close, before they die," said Graham. "It helps me appreciate the sacrifice they're making for us." "I ain't makin' no sacrifice," said Adelphius. He screamed in terror. Graham pumped his shot gun and put his hoof-like finger around the trigger. But as he was about to pull it an arrow went straight into his head. "The hell?" said Ethan. And then he got one too. And the two deer dropped dead from their arrow wounds. (Well, more than wounds.) "Are you okay?" someone said. A human hand reached for Adelphius. Adelphius reached back and was pulled up. He stared at the man in front of him, who looked to be a mockery of a Native American, having feathers on his head, a skimpy set of undies, eye paint, pale skin, and long black hair. "That was a close one," said Manny. "Who are you again?" said Adelphius. "Manny," said Manny. "I live in this forest. I protect all humans who enter. I am also a believer." "In what?" said Adelphius. "I believe that there will be a messiah, who will come to rescue us humans, and cause change in how we are treated. He will help us defeat or perhaps live alongside the fuzzies in harmony." "Funny you mention that, because a dwarf visited me, and he said that am this messiah character." "Are you now? Turn around please." "What?" Manny spun Adelphius around, and looked at his ass. His ass had a birthmark in the shape of a triangle. "The trimark!" said Manny. He gasped. "It's true! The scriptures have foretold of you! A strange man with a birthmark in the shape of a triangle, coming to visit our land!" Adelphius tried looking at his own ass. "Did not know I had a trimark," said Adelphius. "Oh, savior," said Manny, "my sister has been missing for days. Could you help me find him?" "Well, um, okay," said Adelphius. "But could you help me too?" "Again? Sure," said Manny. "What is it?" "Do you know the way home?" said Adelphius. "Back to Canada? A long shot, I know, but I have to get home." "I am afraid I have no idea what Canada is. But perhaps I can introduce you to the mage. He is a wiseman beyond the forest. He lives alone, up in the mountains. He claims to be able to hear voices of our ancestors." "That sounds like a good idea. Yeah. A guy who hears voices in his head. I'll take his advice." "Not in his head. Outside of his head."

"Agh, I don't got any other options. Let's go see the mage.**" "But my sister?" "Yes, we'll find her first." "Thank you. Let's get going before anyone comes looking for us." Manny and Adelphius traversed through the forest, searching for Manny's sister, who as Adelphius found out was named Miracle. "Why Miracle?" said Adelphius. "Her birth was a miracle," said Manny. "How's that?" said Adelphius. "She was born and was miraculously let go." "Let go?" "Yes, she was born on a farm ran by pigs. One of the pigs took her up and released her into the wild. Me, I had to escape. But we later reunited." "So where's the rest of your family? "Butchered. Mom and dad were all killed. Well, I never saw it, but that is what we believe happened." "That's terrible." "I know, but what can you do? They consider us to be stupid creatures, worth only as much as the edible flesh that we give." Adelphius said nothing in reply, then he and Manny continued onward. They only stopped walking when they were faced with a lake. The waters were dark and murky, and looked cold and uninviting. "Are you sure this is where we should go?" said Manny. "I don't know," said Adelphius. "I wasn't leading the way." "Weren't you?" said Manny. "You know this place better than me," said Adelphius. "I'm only here to assist. Do as you please." "Well, okay," said Manny. "I suppose we should go across the water. But becareful, it's dangerous around these parts. The waters look calm, but I heard of others who came here and disappeared." "Can't we go around then?" said Adelphius. "This is the quickest way to the vantage point," said Manny. "Okay, anything you want," said Adelphius. "Do you have a boat?" "A boat?" said Manny. "Are you telling me we'll have to swim across?" "Yes. How else? What's this boat?" "It's a thing you get inside, so you float across the water." "Aaah, a boat. I know what you speak of now. Let me have a look around here. I saw someone using one once." Manny, who had sharp, eagle-eye vision, craned out his neck, and scanned the area. "Come," said Manny. "I think I see it." Adelphius followed Manny to a bush. Manny tore away the bush, and pulled out a raft made from logs and cruelly constructed twine. "Is this what you speak off?" said Manny. "Close enough," said Adelphius. Manny and Adelphius set out the raft onto the lake. They pushed off, and, using plucked branches, propelled themselves forward, steadily but slowly. Manny looked wary, keeping an eye constantly on the water. "You okay?" said Adelphius. "Not that I'm doing any better."

"The waters look calm," said Manny, "but they are deceptive. Keep your arms in closer." "What's in the water?" said Adelphius. "Piranhas?" "I'm not sure," said Manny. "But many have disappeared on water." "Hm, I'll take care then," said Adelphius. He continued paddling the raft. He and Manny carried on, in silence, and eventually got to the middle of the lake. "We're almost there," said Manny. "'Bout half way," said Adelphius. "Shhh, hold on," said Manny, putting his index finger on his nose, "do you hear that?" He put his head down. "I don't hear anything," Adelphius whispered. Manny put his ear close to the water. Then a hook with a treat attached popped up onto the raft. "What in the hell?" said Adelphius. "Oooh," said Manny. He lifted his head. "What's that?" "Looks like chocolate," said Adelphius. "But it's attached to a hook." "Mine!" said Manny, smelling the sweets. He dove for the chocolate bar, but as soon as he grabbed it the hook pulled downward, and stuck into the skin of his hand. Before he could realize what was going on he was being dragged into the water. Adelphius looked in horror, and, not knowing what else to do, instinctively followed, throwing himself into the depths of the lake. He kicked his legs and followed downward. He grabbed onto one of Manny's legs. At the same time he looked down and saw a glowing light. There were two human-sized fish, a father and a son. The Father Fish was doing the pulling, trying to reel them in. "Oh boy," said the Son Fish, who, if were a human, would be about ten. "It's a fat one." "There are two of them too!" said the Father Fish, excitedly. "Wow. We're going to have double dinner tonight." "Do you think it hurts?" said the Son Fish. "Does what hurt?" said the Father Fish. "The hook," said the Son Fish. "No," said the Father Fish. "They have tough skin. It can't feel the sharpness." "What about pulling them into the water?" "What about it?" "Is it painful?" "Is it painful? Why'd you think that?" "Seems like they like the dry air a whole lot more." "And you can honestly tell?" "I imagine if it was in the reverse..." "Stop imagining. They're just stupid humans. They're not as sophisticated or complex like us. They don't perceive things in the same way we do. You hafta stop worrying." "Okay, father. I'm sorry." "Ah, it's okay." The Father Fish affectionately rubbed his son's head. He then pulled in both Adelphius and Manny. The two of them were weak under the water. The fish had them in their total control. Adelphius kicked and tried to get away, but, running out of air, and far too weak, could not break free from the Father Fish's scaly grip. "Yay," said the Son Fish. "Mom'll be so, so proud." "Get the club," said the Father Fish. "We have to bonk them over the heads, otherwise they won't stop struggling." "Bonk the humans?" said the Son Fish. "I can't! How cruel!" "They won't feel it," said the Father Fish.

"No," said the Son Fish. "They will!" "If you don't bonk them they'll keep squirming, and how will we skin and gut them if they're squirming?" said the Father Fish. "Isn't there another way?" said the Son Fish. "Never mind," said the Father Fish. "I'll do it myself." The Father Fish took out his club, from his tackle box, and whacked Manny on the head. Blood started flowing from his skull. "Agh-ha! Stop it! Stop it!" said the Son Fish. The Son Fish grabbed hold of his father's club. "Let go!" said the Father Fish. As the Son Fish and the Father Fish struggled, Adelphius pulled the hook out of Manny's hand, and kicked them away. They floated up to the surface. By luck they were right by their raft. Adelphius pulled Manny onto it, and caught his breath. He spat out water. "Manny," said Adelphius, looking at Manny's limp body. "Are you okay?" He shook him. After what seemed a life time, Manny groaned, and rubbed his head, which now had a big lump on it. He sat up. "What happened?" said Manny. "You don't remember?" said Adelphius. "It was only a couple minutes ago. These humongous fish done tried having us for supper! We nearly drowned too!" "It sounds familiar," said Manny. "Whatever you believe, it happened," said Adelphius. He picked up their two oars, which were just long branches, and handed one to Manny. "Come on, we gotta get across he lake." Manny, acting like nothing had happened, paddled along with Adelphius, and they got across the ever dangerous lake. They stepped onto the shore. Their bare feet sank into the mud. "Now where do we go?" said Adelphius. Manny put his hand over his eyes like a visor. He smelt the air. "What are you smelling?" said Adelphius. "I can smell the fuzzies," said Manny. "The animals?" said Adelphius. "Yes, if that's what you want to call them." "Okay. So now what?" "We follow them. If my sister Miracle is around here she is probably near the fuzzies. They have lots of food. It's easy pickings." Manny started creeping forward, while smelling the air, then picked up the pace, with Adelphius following from behind. Adelphius could barely keep up. Despite being a farmer, who thought himself to be in shape, he was not used to this type of terrain. He was feeling it in his back, you could see by the way his body postured, slightly hunched forward. "You sure are in good shape," Adelphius said, slightly wheezing. "I have to keep in shape," said Manny. "It is the only way that I can survive." Adelphius shrugged, and continued behind Manny. After a few minutes of walking they came upon a cabin. But not a normal looking cabin. This cabin was unusually large and luxurious. Spanning at least the length of a football field, and several stories high, it was of billionaire mansion proportions. On the moss lawn was a golden statue of a rat standing with one leg up, looking out at the world. Adelphius looked through the front window; Manny pulled him down. "Are you trying to get us killed?" said Manny. "Don't you know what type of fuzzy lives in here?" "No," said Adelphius. "Rats," said Manny. "Ha," said Adelphius. "I'm not scared of not rats. We'll just step on 'em."

"Shhh!" Manny said suddenly. "Someone's coming." Manny ran behind a rock, and Adelphius followed. They got down and only put out the top of their heads to see. The door of the huge cabin opened and out came a mouse -- a rat as large as a fully grown man. The rat, who was in a robe, yawned and picked up the newspaper laid on his step. The rat's name was Jonathan. "Ah, good news," said Jonathan the human sized rat, thinking aloud. "Gold's up $1.00 today. Isn't that something." "Holy crap!" Adelphius whispered. "Look at the size of that thing!" Manny put his hand around Adelphius. "Keep quiet," said Manny. "I know you're the chosen one, but you're going to get us killed. These are vicious creatures. They make their living off the exploitation of humans." He groaned. "I wish it had been anything but rats." "Too bad you lost your bow and arrow in the water," said Adelphius. "Did I?" said Manny. He shook his head. "Even if I didn't, I doubt it would work. These rats are very fast and have thick skin. Look at him, eating his cheese. He is a killer, a killer-murderer." Jonathan, the rat, nibbled on a block of cheese as if it were a light snack. His two teeth drilled away at it as his tongue licked his fur-lined lips that became crumbled with bits of cheddar. "Do you think your sister, Miracle's in there?" Adelphius said to Manny. "I surmise it," said Manny. "But there's only one way to find out." "Shirley, you can't be serious," said Adelphius. "Yes, we must go in," said Manny. "Into the unexplored territory of the rat... I have a plan." Manny picked up a rock and threw it. The rock smashed one of the windows on the rat's cabin. Jonathan scampered to the wreckage, taking care not to step in the bits of glass. "Oh, bother," said Jonathan. He turned around. "Who did this!?" His ratty rage grew. "You maniacs!" "Now!" said Manny. Manny bolted out from behind the rock and darted past Jonathan. Without ever getting caught in the rat's field of vision, he got into the cabin. Adelphius, however, was left behind. "Aw, Jesus," said Adelphius. "Why'd yah leave me behind!?" Jonathan looked around, "Who did this!?! Ill tear you a new one!" He stepped before his cabin, and puffed out his chest. "Come out, you glass breaking coward!" He threw up his arms and roared at the sky. At this moment Adelphius got onto his hands and knees and started crawling along the ground. He went as fast as he could without disturbing the forest floor, which had a good share of leaves and branches that could make noise. He got to the front entrance of the cabin as the big rat yelled at no one in particular. "Where are you?!" Jonathan screamed while turning in a circle, madly. Adelphius didn't look back. He slipped his way into the cabin, where Manny was awaiting him in the main foyer. "Where have you been?" said Manny. "Left behind," said Adelphius. "Come on, we have to find my sister," said Manny. He stood up, and closed the door shut. Jonathan noticed, and could be heard outside, banging his ratty fist against the door. "Darn it to high heaven," he said. "I don't have my keys with me! I'll have to call the lock smith... Ah, but he's always so slow... Why am I talking to myself aloud?" Jonathan took out his mobile phone, and he groaned again, "No signal! For the love of Pete!" Meanwhile, Manny and Adelphius were making their way through the rat's abnormally large cabin. They tiptoed through the hallway, lest they be heard by any other occupants. Adelphius took note

of the decorations, which were most hunting trophies -- but not the head of deer, or bears, of ferocious beasts, but rather human heads. Some men, some women. Their facial expression were of horror. Their eyes wide, and their mouths agape, although the rat who owned the place probably couldn't tell. They all looked alike to him. "Are you seeing this?" said Adelphius. He was horrified. His jaw was slack. "This one's a hunter too. Like those deer!" "Ignore it," said Manny, "it will do you no good to stare at a redneck's worldly possessions." "They're redneck here too, huh?" said Adelphius. Manny nodded, and led Adelphius. They Manny led Adelphius along. The entered the kitchen. The kitchen looked equally as gaudy as the rest of the place. It was no better, with more hunting trophies, and camouflage decorations. In the corner was a booth of sorts, and above the seats was a rubber/plastic human being on a plaque, with a red button next to it. "Oooh, look at that," said Adelphius. "Is that their equivalent to the singing fish?" Adelphius out of curiosity, and much to Manny's protest, ran up to it and pressed the red button. The plastic human turned his head, and sang: "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." "Hmmm," said Adelphius. "How strange." Manny, leaving Adelphius to his curiosity, was looking around. He was searching the cupboards. "I'm hungry," said Adelphius. He turned away from the plastic toy human. "Anything to eat?" "Ah?" said Manny. "We don't have time to eat. I shall feed you later." "Okay, but I have to go to the washroom too," said Adelphius. "Do you know where it is?" Manny raised an eyebrow. "Right," said Adelphius. "You stay here and search the place. I'm going to the little boy's room." Adelphius left, and searched around the cabin on his own. He went to and fro, and checked several doors. He found a pantry, a closet, and a bedroom, but no washroom to speak of. "Damnit," said Adelphius, "I can't find shit in here. Guess I'll just let 'er rip here." "Here" which was the living room. Adelphius unzipped his pants and started peeing on the rug. He whistled, while his head was tilted back. But then he looked down. The rug that he was peeing on was human, a young woman, with her arms spread out, and her mouth stretched open. "Jesus!" Adelphius jumped back. Manny entered the living room. "What is it?" said Manny. "Ah, no, nothing," said Adelphius. "The rug." Manny ran to the rug and collapsed on it. "MIRACLE!" he shouted in agony. "How could they do this to you?! They made you into an area rug! Oh, the animality!" "Do you mean humanity?" said Adelphius. "My only sister, who shared my very blood," cried Manny. "A miracle...dead!" **

mouse trap fur "A dog doesn't love you. You are just the thing that gives it treats. If you take your dog and give him to another equally nice owner he will not be pining for you."

mage tells adelphius there is a plan for him, and he must listen to the universe, then he gives him a pie to turn him into a bear pets at the mall, in cages, fish squashed in their aquarium at the ethnic supermarket, killing them drowning kittens Setting dog on fire killing racoons for fur, chopping off their feet, slamming their heads to the ground force feeding, foie gras they say they have respect, but still kill/harm going to see the mage. the mage promotes peace. absolute peace and morality, and non-violence. zoo find the document clubbing seals lobster restaurant vantage point supermarket meet the animal equivalent of Steve Irwin, who claims he can talk to humans. this animal/fuzzy has a book. the mage, mountain Sasquatch med lab dog mill burying the pigs milking bull balls, bull fighting milking, veal chickens, eggs human liberation group super human liberation group