SoundAdvice: AnIntroductiontoNavigatingthe DatingProcess

By: RabbiYosefKalinsky,LMSW

rabbikalinsky@gmail.com 2010

 INTRODUCTION: ....................................................................................... 6 CHAPTER1:............................................................................................... 7 STARTINGTHINGSOFFONTHERIGHTFOOT ......................................... 7 WhentoBegin ................................................................................................7

FindingaDate..................................................................................................................... 9 A.Shadchan .................................................................................................................... 9 B.FriendsandFamily ..................................................................................................... 9 C.Singlevs.MarriedFriends........................................................................................ 10 D.DatingWebsites....................................................................................................... 10 Whattolookforinadate:............................................................................................... 11 PreparinginAdvance: .................................................................................................. 11 FourPlusFour=One .................................................................................................... 12 GoalsandAspirations .................................................................................................. 13 LearningHowtoChoose .................................................................................................. 14 HowtoeffectivelyuseaShadchanorGoBetween ....................................................... 15 A.BeforeDates:............................................................................................................ 15 B.AfterDates: .............................................................................................................. 15

CHAPTER2:............................................................................................. 17 HOWTOPROGRESSINTHEDATINGPROCESS/AROADMAPTOAHEALTHYRELATIONSHIP ............................................................................................................... 17

Creatinganemotionalbond ............................................................................................ 20 Talkingbetweendates,dontleavethingshanging:Findingthingstotalkabout........ 21 Shabbosmealstogether: ................................................................................................. 22 Movingthingsalong:VulnerabilityversusCaution ........................................................ 24 Lookingpastandlookingback.................................................................................. 27 RedFlags........................................................................................................................... 28 Howtoendarelationship: .............................................................................................. 28 2

CHAPTER3:............................................................................................. 30 ENGAGEMENT ........................................................................................ 30

Howdoyouknowifyouarereadytogetengaged? ...................................................... 30 ButIamnotexcited? ....................................................................................................... 31 ButIamnotsure? ............................................................................................................ 31

ENGAGEMENTPERIOD ........................................................................... 33
WhyamIsonervous?Preandpostengagementjitters ......................................... 33 PremaritalCounseling...................................................................................................... 34 Prenuptials........................................................................................................................ 34 ChossonandKallahClasses.............................................................................................. 34

CHAPTER4:............................................................................................. 35 ASSORTEDPOINTSTOPONDER .............................................................. 35

(4:1)Firstphonecalls: ...................................................................................................... 35 (4:2)Whytosayyesafterthefirstdate ...................................................................... 36 (4:3)Buttheemotionsarenotthere?............................................................................. 37 (4:4)Datingmorethanonepersonsimultaneously ....................................................... 39 (4:5)ListofnamesWhyhavethem? ............................................................................ 41 (4:6)ROLEPLAY:Theroleoftheparentandfriend ................................................... 41 (4:7)Locationwheretodateandwherenottodate .................................................. 44 (4:8)SinglesEventsthepositivesandnegatives......................................................... 45 (4:9)TheAgeOldQuestion.............................................................................................. 47 (4:10)WhydontyoubecomeaShadchan/Matchmaker? ............................................ 48

FRIENDSHIPMAPOPENENDEDQUESTIONS........................................... 51
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AZRIELI GRADUATE SCHOOL OF JEWISH EDUCATION AND ADMINISTRATION

YESHIVA UNIVERSITY 2520 AMSTERDAM AVENUE (212) 960-0186 David Pelcovitz, Ph.D., Professor, Gwendolyn and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology and Education Direct Line: 212 960 0196 NEW YORK, NY 10033 FAX: (212) 960-0184 Email:dpelcovitz@aol.com

September 2, 2010 To Whom It May Concern: Rabbi Kalinsky has provided an invaluable service to the orthodox community by providing a concise and clear roadmap to help navigate the potentially rocky waters of the dating process. His years of experience working with individuals dating, coupled with his extensive rabbinical and mental health training has resulted in an, all too rare, synthesis of the wisdom on negotiating this crucial process in a healthy and wise way. I highly recommend this work to parents, educators, chasson and kallah teachers, and, most importantly, to those that are currently involved in the dating process. Sincerely,

David Pelcovitz, Ph.D. Gwendolyn and Joseph Straus Chair in Psychology and Education

Introduction: Thepurposeofthispamphletistodiscusssomeofthemostcommonissuesconfronting

menandwomenwhoaredating,andtoofferadvicebasedonmypersonalexperienceand counselingofpeersandfriendsinvolvedinthedatingprocess.Iwouldliketoacknowledge someofmymentorswhohaveguidedmeintheareaofrelationshipsandwhohavereadand enhancedthisdocumentwiththeirinsightfulcomments:Dr.DavidPelcovitz,RosieEinhorn LCSW,SherryZimmermanJD,Msc,andDr.SaraBarris.Manyoftheideaspresentedhereare gleanedfrombooks,articles,lectures,andconversationsthatIhavehadwiththeseunique individuals.MywifeandIhavesuccessfullysetupmanycouples,organizedanumberof singlesevents,andbeeninvolvedincounselingsinglesoverthepasttenyears.My experiences,andthereforemycomments,areprimarilygearedtowardstheModernOrthodox machmirdater,howevertheoverwhelmingmajorityofthecontentpresentedhereis relevanttoanyone.Althoughmanyideasaregeneralizedandeachcircumstanceshouldbe assessedonacasebycasebasis,Ihopetoconveyaclearandfundamentalapproachtodating, aswellastoofferperspectivesonspecificissuesthattypicallyariseinthedatingprocess. Pleasefeelfreetoemailmeanycommentsorquestionsorvisitmeat http://rabbikalinsky.blogspot.com/
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Chapter1: StartingThingsOffontheRightFoot WhentoBegin

Thefirstquestionthatmanycollegestudentsaskthemselvesis:WhenshouldIstart goingout?Thesimpleansweriswhenyouareready.Toooftenayoungmanorwoman startsdatingpurelyoutofpeerpressureatastageinlifewhenheorsheisnotmatureenough todevelopaseriousrelationship. SararecentlyreturnedfromayearandahalfofstudyinginaseminaryinIsrael.Upon herreturntotheU.S.andcompletionofasemesterincollege,shebeginstowonder whethersheisreadytobegindating.Itseemsthatmostofherfriendshavealready begunandhermotherisworriedthatifshedoesnotgetmarriedbythetimeshefinishes college,shellhaveahardertimegettingmarried.ShouldSarataketheleap?Howwill sheeverknowifsheisready? Davidwasnervoustostartdatingattwentytwoeventhoughmostofhisfriendswere dating,andsomewerealreadymarried.Hisconcernwasthathewasnotclearabout wherehewasheadedinlifealthoughhewasconsideringgraduateschoolinpsychology. Hewasworriedabouttheresponsibilityofprovidingasteadyincomeforafamilyata youngage,andthereforecouldnotenvisionhimselfinarelationship.ShouldDavidstart datingbecausesomeofhisfriendsarealreadymarried?Shouldhewaituntilafterhe finisheshiseducation? Beforeyoustartdating,askyourselfifyoucanimagineyourselflivingandsharing everythingwithaspouse.Ifyouarenotreadytogetmarriedthenyouarenotreadytodate. Youcannotassumethatitwilltakeafewmonthsoryearsbeforeyoufindyourmateandthat youshouldstartdatingat19inordertogetmarriedat22.Whoknows?Hashemsplanmay beforyoutofindyourspousesoonerthanyou,oryourparents,expect.
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Forsomepeople,itmaynotbethebestideatodatewhiletheystillhavemanymore

yearsofeducationaheadofthem.Itcanbeverydifficulttojuggleallthedetailsinvolvedin startingahome,andengagementandweddingplans,andstillhaveenoughtimetodowellin school.Althoughmanypeopledomarryyoungandevengoontograduateschool,ifyou dontfeelpressuretodatetheminuteyoureturnfromIsrael,youmaybebetteroff. Somehavetheattitudethatwaitingtodateuntiltheyaremorematureorsettled

makesmoresensethanstartingyoung.Youneedtobeaware,however,thatdatingdoesnot geteasierwhenyouareolder.Onthecontrary,themorelifeexperienceandyearsof educationoraprofessionyouhave,themorecomplicatedyourscheduleandlifebecomes. Additionally,aspeoplemature,habits,routines,andlifegoalsbecomemorerigidanddifficult toalter,makingithardertofitsomeoneelseintoourplans. Perhapsagoodindicatorfordatingreadinessishavingconfidenceaboutmakingyour

ownchoices,takingresponsibilityforyourselfandtheconsequencesofyourdecisions,and feelingasenseofresponsibilityforotherpeople.Additionally,itiswisetoknowthatyouare hashkaficallystable,whichcanbecanbebroadlyascertainedifyouroverallworldviewand futureplansarethesametodayastheyweresixmonthsago.Thereisnosecretformulaor toolthatcanhelpyougaugewhenyoureready.Whatisclearisthatyoushouldntjumpinto datingwithoutgivingitsignificantthoughtfirst.Rememberyouareabouttobeginthe processwhichwillhopefullyleadtothebiggestdecisionyouwillevermake.Thisisavery seriousandholyendeavorwhichshouldbeembarkedupononlywhenyoufeelyouare capableoflettingthingstaketheircourse,andthatyouarepreparedfortheoutcomeofthe datingprocess:engagementandmarriage.(Thisdoesntmeanthatyoucanthavefunon dates;onthecontrary,relationshipsprogressbetterifyouenjoyspendingtimetogether!)
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FindingaDate
A.Shadchan Inadditiontospeakingtotheirmarriedfriends,manydatersuseashadchantosetthem

up.Ashadchancaneitherbeaprofessionalmatchmakeroranyoneelsewhocarvesouttime fromhisorherscheduletothinkofappropriatematchesandsetpeopleupondates.Itisin yourbestinteresttobeasopenandhonestaspossiblewithashadchanwhendescribing yourselfandyourinterests.Prepareyourselfforquestionssuchasthese:Describeyour personality,Whatdoyoudoinyoursparetime?Whatareyourprofessionalgoals?Where wouldyouliketolive?Whatqualitiesyouarelookingforinaprospectivespouse?Itisalso helpfultohaveafamilyfriend,teacher,orRabbiwhoknowsyouwellasareference,incase theshadchanwantstoinquirefurtherorhearanotherperspective. B.FriendsandFamily Anotheravenuepreferredbymanysinglesistobesetupbytheirfriendsandfamilyin

amorecasualfashionthanaformalshadchanormatchmaker.Friendscanbeveryvaluable assets,astheymayknowmanyeligiblesinglesfromtheirsocialcirclesandshouldgenerally haveagoodideaofwhoyouareandwhowouldbeanappropriatematchforyou.Married friendscanbeparticularlyhelpfulasafterafriendmarries,hisorhersocialcircledoubles,and thenewcouplecanworktogethertomakepossiblesuggestionsforyou.However,besureto sitdownwithyourfriendstoreviewwhatismostimportanttoyouinaspouse.Family memberscanalsobehelpful,especiallyifyouhavefamilymembersoftheoppositegenderin yoursocialcircle. Adamreturnedhomefromadatecompletelyfrustratedandirritated;thiswasthethird girlinarowthathedgoneoutwiththatwascompletelyoffthemark.Hebeganto wonderwhythisoccurred.DontmyfriendsknowthatImlookingforaquietgirl?Just becauseImoutgoingdoesnotmeanthatIminterestedinmarryingsomeonejustlike me!
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 IfonlyAdamwouldhavetakenthetimetositdownwithhisfriendsandclearly explainedtothemwhathewaslookingfor,hewouldhavebeenlessfrustratedandcouldhave expeditedtheprocessoffindingawife. C.Singlevs.MarriedFriends Whilemanysuccessfulcouplesfindtheirmatesthroughsuggestionsmadebytheir singlefriends,itisimportanttobemindfuloftheexperiencethatamarriedcouplehas, especiallywhentheyhavebeenmarriedformorethanafewyears,whichperhapsmakes thembetterequippedtosetupdates.Itisevenmoreadvantageousifacouplehasmorethan theirownpersonalexperience,andhasadvisedotherindividualswithdifferentbackgrounds andpersonalities,sothattheycanhelpyouworkyourwaythroughissuesthatmightarise. Additionally,amarriedcouplehasalreadygonethroughthevariousstagesthatoccuralong thecourseofarelationship.Unlikeyoursinglefriends,theyknowwhatitfeelsliketoforman emotionalbond,tobeonthebrinkofengagement,orthejittersbeforeawedding.Also,the husbandandwifecansimultaneouslylistentoyourquestionsandreflectseparatelyand collectively.Finally,yourfriendsspousemayhaveaneasiertimespeakingtothepersonyou aredatingthanyourfriend.Ifasinglefriendmakesaspecificsuggestionyoucanstillaska marriedfriendtosetupthedateortobeavailablefordiscussionastherelationship progresses. Whateverapproachyoutaketofindingdates,itisimportanttoalwaysbecourteousand

appreciatetheeffortsthatfriendsorshadchanimmaketohelpyou.Onceyouarecontacted aboutapossiblesuggestion,trytorespondtothecalloremailwithinfortyeighthourswitha decision. D.DatingWebsites Inthepasttenyearstherehasbeenatremendousproliferationofwebsitesdedicated

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tomatchingsinglesuponline,inboththeworldatlarge(totheextentthatmatch.comboasts

20,000newmembersdaily!)andthelargerJewishcommunity(withJdateclaimingtohave morethan500,000members).TheOrthodoxcommunityhasalsojoinedthisbusinessand manywebsiteshaveopeneduprecentlyprovidingmatchmakingservicesonline.Thereare twobasictypesofonlinedatingservices,discreetandnondiscreet.Inotherwords,some websitesallowyoutopostaprofileandsearchothers,withoutanyscreeningormatchmaker asagobetween.Ifyoureadaprofilethatinterestsyou,yousimplycontacttheperson throughthewebsiteandbegintherelationship,usuallyatfirstviaemail.Themajordownside ofthisprocessisthatmanyonlinewebsitesarenotoriousforprovidingfictitiousinformation, andyouhavenowayofknowingwhetherthepersonyouarecontactingisindeedtheperson behindtheprofile.Otherwebsitesaskyoutofilloutaprofilewhichisthensearchedby matchmakerswhowillcontactyouwithanappropriatematch.Theadvantageofthese websitesisthatthereisgreatercertaintythattheprofileislegitimateandthematchmakerhas theabilitytocontacttheindividualorcheckreferencesbeforesuggestingthematchtoyou.

Whattolookforinadate:
Introduction: Thistopicisarguablythemostimportanttopictoconsider,butatthesametimethe mostconfusing.Itisimportanttorealizethatwearealluniqueindividualscomprisedofmany differentbackgrounds,personalitytraits,andlifeexperiences,allofwhichshapeusashuman beings.Weallhaveourfaultsandidiosyncrasiesandshouldrecognizethatnooneisperfect. Youshouldnotbelookingfortheperfectpersonwhomeveryoneadmiresandrespects; rather,youshouldbelookingforsomeonewhocomplementsyourpersonalityandshares yourlifeaspirations.Youarelookingforapartnertoshareyourlifeexperiences,withallthe highsandlowsthatinevitablycomealongtheway.

PreparinginAdvance: Beforeyoubegintodate,taketimetoreflectuponyourselfandtakestock,similartoa cheshbonhanefesh,ofwhereyouareheadedandwhatyourgoalsandidealsare.Thepurpose

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ofthisprocessistwofold.First,beforeyouembarkonyoursearchforalifepartner,you needtohaveabasicknowledgeofwhatyouaspiretodowithyourlife,becauseonlythencan youlookforsomeonetojoinyouonthisjourney.Second,thistypeofselfreflectionwill hopefullykeepyoufocusedontheprimarypurposeofthedatingprocesstofindsomeone thatyoucanconnectwithandcanaccomplishthegoalsthatyousetouttogetherandnotto getcaughtupwithexternalitiesandsocialpressures.Thegreaterclarityyouhaveaboutwho youareandwhatyourpersonalidealsandaspirationsare,thebetteroffyouwillbewhen lookingforsomeonetosharethemwith. FourPlusFour=One1 Thenextstepistothinkmorespecificallyaboutyourselfandtodefinefourpersonality

traitsorintereststhatareuniquetoyou.Someexamplesoftraitsare:outgoing,creative, bookworm,intellectual,freespirited,organized,ambitious,warm,artistic,patient,and spiritual.Then,thinkoffourcharacteristicsthatyoufeelwouldmatchorcomplementyou withsomeoneelse.Bepreparedtobeflexiblewithyourlist,asoneofthefascinatingaspects ofdatingisdiscoveringqualitiesyouadmireinanotherpersonthatyouneverthoughtwould beimportanttoyou.Sometimespeoplearelookingforcharacteristicsthataredifferentthan theirown,whileotherssearchforfourtraitsthatindeedmirrortheirowntraits.Beaware, however,thatthecommonideaofoppositesattractmaynotbetrueinregardtofindingthe rightspouse.Intruth,researchshows2thatcoupleswithsimilartemperamentsandstylesare morelikelytocomplementeachother,leadingtoanenhancedrelationship. Thepurposeofthisexerciseistofocusonthepersonalitytraitsthatmakeyoudifferent fromyourpeersandwillbehelpfulifyoudecidetomeetwithamatchmakerorshadchanto assistyouinfindingyourmate.Additionally,itwillhelpyouappreciatethetraitsthatyouare lookingforwhenyouseetheminthepersonyouaredating.

1 2

This concept comes from Talking Tachlis (1998) by Rosie Einhorn LCSW and Sherry Zimmerman JD, Msc. For a detailed longitudinal analysis see Ideal mate personality concepts and compatibility in close relationships by Marcel Zentner in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology vol. 89, no. 2 (2005) in which Dr. Zentner concludes there is reason to believe that the degree to which two personalities match should be influenced not only by their actual characteristics but also by their ideal mate concepts.

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Limitingthelisttofourtraitsallowsyoutoconcentrateonwhatiscentraltoyouandto

avoidbeingdistractedbythenonessential.Often,whenIasksomeonewhatheislooking for,theresponseinvolvesalistwithupwardsoftenspecifications.Theproblemwithsucha lengthylististhatitwillinvariablyincludenonessential,superficialitems.(SeeChapter4, section5formoredetailsregardinglists). Theprimarypointtorememberisthatyouaredatingapersonandnotalist.Veryoften

apersonwilldatewithalistinhishandsandhaveaverydifficulttimeforginga relationship,becauseeverytenminuteshementallyreferstohislisttocheckwhetherthe personheisdatingmatchesup,insteadofsimplyfocusingonenjoyingthedate.Listsare usefulbeforeyoudate;onceyouhavedecidedtocommencearelationship,placeyour checklistonthesideandputallofyoureffortsintogettingtoknowthepersononthedate. Whenpeoplebegintofocusonthepersonalitiesandtherelationshipinsteadoftheirlists, theyenjoytheexperiencethatmuchmore.Often,peoplefindthattheyenjoyspendingtime withsomeonethatdoesnotperfectlymatchwhattheyhadenvisionedtheirfuturespouseto be. GoalsandAspirations Inadditiontomakingyour4+4listofcharacteristics,youalsoneedtolookforsomeone whosevaluesandgoalsforthefuturearecompatiblewithbutnotnecessarilyidenticalto yours.Thegoalscanbeontheindividuallevelorthatofthecoupleorfuturefamily.Some areastothinkaboutarewhattypeofcareeryouseeyourselfheadedtowardsandwhatare yourthoughtsonyourfuturespousescareerambitions.EspeciallyforOrthodoxdaters,itis importanttothinkaboutanddiscusswhattypeofreligiouslevelyouaspiretoandwhattypes ofcommunitiesyouenvisionyourselflivingin. Ifsomeoneissignificantlydifferentintermsofhashkafa(orbroaderreligious perspectiveonlifegoalsandaspirations),orifheorsheenvisionsapathinlifethatdoesntfit inwithyourownhopesforthefuture,youmaywanttorethinkpursuingtheprospect.You shouldnotbetoorigidinthiscategory,however,andunderstandthatpeopleareconstantly
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growingandchanging.Becarefulnottocategorizepeoplebasedsolelyontheirprofessionor futurevocationalgoals.Youmayplantomarrysomeonewithacareerineducation,but perhapssomeonethatyouarecompatiblewithfeelsmorecomfortableinanofficeduringthe week,whileengagingininformaleducationonweekends.

LearningHowtoChoose
Yaacovistwentyfour,comesfromadistinguishedfamily,andhasbeendatingfortwo years.Hehasjuststartedworkinginanaccountingfirmandlearnsnightsederwhenhe returnsfromwork.Lastnight,Yaacovreceivedthreemessages,onefromafriendand twofromshadchanim,eachaskinghimifhewouldbeinterestedinpursuingtheir suggestionforadate.Hedoesntknowhowtodecidewhichgirltogooutwiththeyall soundsosimilar!Theyeachcomefromrespectablehomes,studiedinaseminaryin IsraelandSternCollege,andtheyallareverynice,warm,andattractive.Hehasheard thatsomefriendsinasimilardilemmasimplyflipacoin.Whatshouldhedo? Julieisaseniorincollegeandisinterestedinmarketing.Sherecentlyreceivedtwotext messagesfromfamilyfriendsaboutfellowsinRIETS.BothstudiedinIsraelfortwoyears, majoredinpsychologyatYC,andhopetoteachaftertheycompleteAzrieliGraduate School.Whatcriteriashouldsheusetochoosetogooutwithoneovertheother? Iassumethatmanyofyou,insomeway,canrelatetoeachofthesesituations.My adviceistwofold.First,sometimesitismoretellingtofocusonwhoispresentingthe suggestionthanthespecificpersonbeingsuggested.Forexample,ifoneofthethreepeople whocalledYaacovactuallyknowshimverywell,hasageneralideaofwhatheislookingforin awife,andistrustworthy,thenthatshouldclearlyoutweigharandomideabyhismothers cousinssistersnextdoorneighbor.Additionally,itisworthreiteratingtheimportanceof meetingashadchanormarriedfriend.Doesntitmakemoresensetochooseafewselected
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peopletobetheoneswhosuggestideasforyouinsteadofanyonewithaccesstoyourcell phonenumber?Whyuseadifferentgobetweeneverytimeyoudate?Inlightofthese questionsIdliketosuggestaninnovativeapproachtodating.Pickonefriendorshadchanand havehimorhersetyouup.Ifthefirstattemptdoesntworkout,talktohimorheraboutit. Explainthespecificreasonsandissuesthathinderedtherelationshipfromdeveloping,what youlikedabouthimorherandwhatmadeyoufeeluncomfortablethiswillallowyourfriend togetarealfeelforwhoyouareandtoaccuratelyunderstandwhatyouarelookingfor.Then, basedonnewinsights,haveher/himsuggestsomeoneelse.Again,ifitleadstoanotherfailed attempt,discussandfigureoutwhatwasthecause.Mypresumptionis,thatafterafew attempts,thisshadchanormarriedfriend,assumingheorsheiscompetentandhasaccessto alargenumberandrangeofeligiblesingles,shouldleadtoasuccessfulshidduchsooner ratherthanlater.Ofcourse,thisisnottodismissthemanycouplesthatdomeetrandomlyor throughtheeffortsofadistantrelativeoracquaintance;rather,Iampresentingasomewhat moresystematicandlogicalapproachtothedatingprocess.

HowtoeffectivelyuseaShadchanorGoBetween

A.BeforeDates:

Usingashadchancanbeveryhelpfulforsomepeople.Whenyoumeetwitha

shadchan,presentyourselfinapositiveandhonestway.Usethe4+4=1modeltodescribe yourselfandwhatyouarelookingforinaprospectivespouse.Asktheshadchanhowoften theywouldlikeyoutofollowuptoremindhimorhertohaveyouinmindtothinkof prospectivedates.Ifyouhearaboutaspecificpersonthatyouaretoldmaybeagoodmatch foryou,mentionittotheshadchan.Oftenashadchanmayhaveoverlookedanobviousidea andwouldbemorethanhappytofollowthroughwithyoursuggestion. B.AfterDates:

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Whilesomecouplesprefertobedirectwitheachotherandnotuseanintermediaryor shadchanaftereachoftheinitialdates,forthosethatdo,itisalsoimportanttobeopenwith theshadchanwhenreviewingthedate.Trytoexplaintotheshadchanwhyyoudidordidnot haveapositiveexperienceonthedate,becauseheorshemayhaveaclearerandmore objectiveandexperiencedperspectiveonwhetheryoushouldcontinuegoingoutorshould endtherelationship.Sometimesyoucangetonlyalimitedpictureofapersonwhileonadate. Therefore,itisimportanttohearfromaneutralparty,becauseheorshemayknowmore informationthatwillgiveyouafullerpictureofthesituation. Ingeneral,youshouldusetheshadchanforatleastthreeorfourdates.Thismeans, aftereachdatecalltheshadchanandtellhimorherwhetherornotyouwanttocontinuethe relationship.Thismakesiteasierforyoutoendtherelationshipatanearlystagewithout havingtodirectlyexplainyourselftotheotherparty,whichcanbeawkwardandembarrassing sinceyourreasonsmaybesuperficialormayrelatetoalackofchemistrybetweenyou. Usuallyitisbesttoalwayssayyesafterthefirstdateunlesssomethingwentverywrongon thedate(seeChapter4section2). Aftereachdatetrytorelaytotheshadchananassessmentastohowthedatewent, withsomedetail.Thiswillgivetheshadchanabetterfeelastohowthingsaregoing,andhe orshemaynowbeabletorelaysomeofthosesentimentstotheotherparty,ifnecessary.For example,ifyouaretentativeaboutwherethingsareheadedbecauseyourdatewastooquiet andsubdued,youshouldexpressthesesentimentsratherthansimplytellingtheshadchan,I dontseeit.Theshadchancanpassthisalongdiplomatically,bysayingsomethinglike,He (orshe)thoughtyouwerealittlequietlastnightanddidnthavemuchtosay.He(orshe) mayrespond,Actually,Iwasupthenightbeforeuntil4amstudyingforamidtermandIwas tryingmybesttohaveenergyandenthusiasm,buttheexhaustionsimplyoverwhelmedme. Theshadchancanthencallyoubackandexplainwhyyourdatewassosubduedandsuggest thatyougiveitanothertry.Finally,alwaystrytocommunicatewiththeshadchanorfriend whoarrangedthedatewithintwentyfourhoursofthedatetonotifyhimorherifyouwould liketocontinuedatingornot.
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Chapter2: HowtoProgressintheDatingProcess/ARoadmaptoaHealthyRelationship

Itiscommonforsinglestodatewithouthavingaperspectiveonwheretheyareheaded orhowahealthyrelationshipshoulddevelop.Thepurposeofthisroadmapistoguideyou withabasicframeworkwithinwhichtoviewyourrelationshipanditsprogression3. Examinethediagramabove.Noticehowthelinebeginsinastraightpatternbutthen risesandplateaus,thenrisesagain,onlytoplateau,andthenthepatternrepeats.Keepthis imageinmindasyoustartthedatingprocess.Relationshipsdontusuallystartwithelectricity orfireworksandtheymayevenstartoutsomewhatflat,butthatdoesnotmeanthatyou shouldendtherelationship. Forthefirstfewdatesdontattempttoseeifyourcharactertraitsandlifetimegoals matchupperfectly.Rather,evaluatewhetherornottheconversationisinterestingand whetheryouenjoytimespenttogether.Youdonothavetofeelconnectedordrawntothe otherperson.Aslongasyouhavewhattotalkaboutandenjoysomesimilarinterests,itis worthwhiletocontinuedatingatthispoint. Afterthethirdorfourthdateitisimportanttohaveadiscussionabouthowyouthink thingsaregoing.Itisusuallymorecomfortableforthemantoinitiateandbeginbysaying thathesbeenenjoyingthetimespenttogether.Thatshouldleadtoacommentabout somethingpositiveregardingaspecificpersonalitytraitorgoalthatherespectsinthewoman heisdating.Itcanbeacharacteristicoraspirationoraccomplishment:somethingthat

Many of the ideas from this section and the framework of the roadmap are gleaned from conversations with my esteemed brother-inlaw Rabbi Beinish Ginsburg.

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impresseshimabouther.Hopefully,inreturn,sherelatesthatshetooishavinganenjoyable timetogetherandpointsoutsomethingpositiveabouthim. Theobjectiveoftheconversationistocreateaconnectionandtobegintoopenup regardingyourperspectivesontherelationship.Youmayfeeluneasyifyouhavenoideahow theotherpersonfeelsaboutyouorhowtherelationshipisdeveloping,sothisdiscussion enablesyoutobehonestandbegintofeelmorecomfortabletalkingaboutmoreserious matters.Asuccessfuldiscussionwillhopefullyresultinmovingtherelationshiptothenext level. Asdepictedinthediagram,aftereachstepthereisaplateau.Thisrepresentshowafter eachstage,aftereachstepforward,thereisneutraltimeinbetween.Thistimeisjustas integraltothedatingprocessasthepositivemovementsupwards.Theseplateauscorrespond toaperiodofsimplyenjoyingeachotherscompanyanddoingfunactivitiestogether. Sandwichedbetweenserioustalksaboutlifeandtherelationshipitself,itisimportanttohave datesthatarelessintenseandmorefunspirited,sincethemainindicatorofagood relationshipisifyouenjoyspendingtimetogether,coupledwithmutualrespectand compatiblelifegoals.Trytochooseanactivityotherthaneatingforachange.Gotoa miniaturegolfcourse,sportsarena,oraferryride,orbringalongaboardgameoradeckof cards.Datingisaboutgettingtoknowsomeoneandyoucanonlyaccomplishthatbydoing differentthings,toseethemanysidesoftheperson.Taketheopportunitytodiscussanything thatisimportanttoyou.Usuallyfamilyisasolidtopic,becauseitgivesyouinsightintothe personsbackgroundandsphereofinfluence.Inshort,nowisthetimetoseeifyouenjoy eachotherscompany.Capitalizeontheopportunity. Afterthenextsetofthreetosixdates,haveanotherconversationaboutthe relationship.Thistime,similartothefirstsuchconversation,beginwithpositive characteristics,butthenturntheconversationawayfromadescriptionofoneanothertoa discussionoftherelationshipbetweenthetwoofyou.Trytopointoutwhatyouhavein commonandhowyourpersonalitiesworktogether,orhowyourdifferencesenhancethe relationship.Openupasmuchasyoucan,evenifitmakesyouvulnerable,asthisisa
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necessarystepinmovingtherelationshiptothenextlevel.Youmayhesitateandthinkto yourself,Whatifhe/shedoesntfeelthesamewaythatIdo?Butdontletthatpreventyou fromsharingyourthoughtsandfeelings.Theprocessissometimesreferredtoasmeta communicatingbecauseyouarediscussingaspectsoftherelationshipandhowyou communicatewitheachother. Bynowyoushouldhavenoticedapattern.Arelationshipmovesinstages;youbuildthe relationshipbyhavingdiscussionsabouteachotherandabouttherelationshipitself.Butdont expectastraightuphillclimb,withoutanydipsorplateausalongtheway.Itisimportantto notethatnotallrelationshipsnecessarilydevelopinalinearway,alwaysmovingforwardand upwards.Relationshipsaredynamicandeachoneisitsownspecialjourney.Sometimesthere maybeastepdownthatmayallowabettergroundingfortherelationshipanda strengtheningofthebond.Whenthathappens,trynottolosesightofthebroaderpicture andallofthepositivetimetogether.Aslongasyouenjoyeachotherscompanyandfeelthat thereispotentialandsomemovementtotherelationship,continueseeingeachotherinorder toattaingreaterclarityonthematter. WhenIspeakwithpeopleItrytoremindthemthatthereisnotalwaysconstant movementinarelationshipandoneshouldnotlookforitfromdatetodate.Thebest approachistositbackandenjoythetimetogetherandreflectonitinchunksofaweekortwo atatime.Additionally,sometimesweneedtobeconsciousofandaccommodatingtothe learningcurveofthepeoplewedate.Ifyouhaveacertainexpectationforhowyouwantto betreatedorarelookingforaspecificcharactertraitorresponsetoaparticularcommentand donotreceiveitthefirsttimearound,givefeedbackandtelltheotherpersonaboutit.For example,ifyouprefertotakeacabhomeinsteadofthesubwayafter9pm,tellhimaboutit. Or,ifyoujustopenedupemotionallyaboutaparticularexperience,orasensitivefamily relatedissue,andyourdatestaresatyoublankly,tellherthatyouneedmoreempathetic listeningaftersuchadiscussionandthatitwouldmakeyoufeelbetterifthathappensnext time.
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Creatinganemotionalbond Likemanyexperiencesinlife,buildinganemotionalbondandconnectiontakestime

andisagradualprocess.Itisaprocessthatbeginsbytalkingaboutthesmallthingssuchas pastexperiences,schooling,summerexperiences,andyouropinionsaboutotherpeopleand issues.Soon,however,itgraduallymovestomorepersonalandreflectivetopicsabout yourselfandwhatmakesyouunique.Inthebroadestsense,conversationsondatesshould movefromtalkingaboutyourself,toreflectionsabouttheotherperson,andeventuallyabout therelationshipthatthetwoofyouhavebuiltovertimetogether. ThereisanexercisedevelopedbyDr.JohnGottman,aworldrenownedpsychologist andmaritaltherapist,whichguidecouplesthroughthisstageofcreatinganemotionalbond4. Theunderlyingprincipleofthisexerciseisthatthegreaterknowledgewehaveabouteach other,thecloserwebecome.Therefore,ifwecancreateacognitivemapoftheworldofthe personwearedatingandknowallabouttheirhistory,concerns,andpreferences,astronger friendshipandbondiscreated.Unfortunately,sometimestwopeoplearedatingformany months,butsomehowdonotevenknowtheanswerstosomeofthebasicgettingtoknow youquestions.Perhapsthisisthecauseformanyofthepostengagementjittersthatsome coupleshaveastheytrytosleepatnightandarehauntedbythequestion,butdoIreally knowhim/her?Couplesneedtogothroughthisprocessofknowingeachother.The excitingthingaboutthisprocessisthatitneverreallyends.Peoplearealwayschangingand theircognitiveworldischangingwiththem,sothisprocessmustbeupdatedthroughoutthe relationship,bothpremarriageandpostmarriageonanongoingbasis. FriendshipMapsarecreatedbyaskingopenendedquestionsthatcannotbe answeredbyasimpleyesorno.Thisprocesscanbetransformedintoagame,which oftenmakesitmoreenjoyable,bymakingadeckofcards,eachwithadifferentquestion.One personpicksthetopcardfromthedeckandaskstheotherpersonthequestion.Formore advancedrelationships,wherethecouplemayknowalotabouteachother,youcanhave

For more information see www.gottman.com and his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (1999).

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eachpersonanswerthequestionfortheotherpersonandthenhe/shecaneitheragreewith theanswerorfillinmorecorrectinformation. Someexamplesofsimplediscussiontopicsthatcancreateanatmosphereconduciveto forminganemotionalbondare:whatisyourfavoritecolor,yourfavoritetoyasachild,oryour favoritecandyorfooditem?ThenextlevelmaybeaboutwhatShabbosorYomTovislikein yourhome,whereyouhavetraveled,orhowyourfamilycelebratesbirthdays.Anotherarea mightbe,whathaveyoustartedbutnotfinished,orwhatyouareafraidof.Thinkaboutyour relationshipwithyourbestfriendandwhatmakesthetwoofyouclose.Itisprobablythe experiencesyousharetogetherandthefactthateachofyouknowsthingsabouteachother thatmostpeopledonotknow.Begintothinkaboutthosethingsandtrydiscussingthemwith thepersonyouaredating5. Onceyouhavetalkedaboutsomeoftheseitemsyouwillbegintofeelmoreconnected toeachotherasyousharemoreofyourlifesstory.Thisshouldlaythefoundationforgetting toknoweachother.Whatisbeautifulaboutthisprocessisthatitisneverending.Agood relationshipandonethateventuallyleadstomarriageisaboutgettingtoknoweachother,on aconstantbasisandonmanydifferentlevels.Nowyoucanbegindiscussingyourrelationship andcommonalitiesandhowyoucomplementeachotherorhavesimilarinterests.These conversationswillhelpyouastherelationshipprogresses.Throughouttheentirerelationship andespeciallyduringtheseconversations,itiscrucialtoworkonyourlisteningskills,which includevalidatingwhattheotherpersonissayingandgivingfeedbackastohowyoufeel aboutwhatheorsheissaying.Positivelisteningskillsalsohelpdevelopmutualrespectfor eachother,whichisanothercriticalelementintherelationship.

Talkingbetweendates,dontleavethingshanging:Findingthingstotalkabout Itisimportanttocreatemomentuminarelationship.Themostefficientwayofbuilding

thismomentumisbygoingoutaroundtwiceaweekandtalkingbetweendates.Althoughin somecirclestalkingbetweendatesonthephoneisnotencouraged,Ibelievethatinmost
5

For a fuller listing of questions helpful in developing a friendship map, see the appendix.

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circumstancesitenhancestherelationshipandcreatesacontinuumfromdatetodate.As witheverythinginlifeandwithdating,thereneedstobeaprogression.Afterthefirstfew datesitmaybeawkwardtotalkonthephoneinbetweendatesbeyondtherequisitetimeto setupthenextdate.However,afterthethirdorfourthdateIwouldrecommendthatyoutry tohavealongerconversationonthephoneatleastoncebeforeeachdate.Youmayfeelthese conversationstobeunnaturalandperhapsalittleforced,buttheyareanecessary componentofgettingtoknoweachother.Atthesametime,itisimportanttokeepinmind thatsomepeoplearephonepeopleandcantalkforeveronthephone,whileothersprefer totalkinperson.Thefocalpointofthedatingrelationshipisthetimethatyouspendtogether inperson.Adullphoneconversationisnotindicativeofanythingwrongwiththerelationship aslongasyouenjoyeachotherscompanyonthedates. Sometimesithappensthatevenastherelationshipdevelopsnicely,thephone

conversationsremainsubpar,andthismayfrustrateoneorbothoftheparties.AsuggestionI oftengivetopeopledatingthatexperiencedifficultyintryingtofindtopicstodiscussduring phoneconversationsinbetweendatesistopickaseferandlearnittogether,aparagraph everynight.Thepurposeofthissuggestionistwofold.First,itallowsyoutomaintaincontact onadailybasisandoffersanopportunitytoconnectonadifferentlevelfromthemore mundanedaytodaychat.Secondly,oftenyoucanbeginadeeperconversationordiscoveran insightintotheotherpersonthroughthelearningtogether.Atthesametime,dontexpect thistobeatruechavrusatoitsfullestextent;youaresimplylookingtoconnectwitheach otherandlearnsomethingalongtheway.

Shabbosmealstogether: Anotheravenuetoexplorethatnotenoughpeopletakeadvantageofwhiledatingis

spendingaShabbostogether.Ithinkthatsomedatersbelievethatyoucanonlyspend Shabbostogetherafteryourealreadyengagedandyouarereadytointroduceyour prospectiveChassanorKallahtoyourcommunityoffriendsandfamily.Inmyopinion,the timetospendShabbostogethershouldbewellbeforeanycommitmentsaremade.Infact,I

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believethatthetimespenttogetheronShabbosoftenactsasacatalystinstrengtheningthe relationshipandgettingtoknoweachotheronadeeperlevel. TherationalebehindspendingShabbostogetheristhatitprovidesanopportunityto seeeachotherfromacompletelynewperspective.Mostofthetimeduringthedatingprocess youdatealoneandeithersitacrossthetablefromeachotheratarestaurantorloungeor interactinanactivityasapair,butrarelydoyouengageinanactivitywithotherparticipants, unlessyouareatasingleseventorhangingoutwithabunchoffriendsinagroup.AShabbos tableprovidesacompletelynewatmosphereofarelaxedenvironmentwithfriendsandoften children,andthisallowsyoutoseehowtheotherpersoninteractswithotherpeopleand playswithchildren,somethingyoucannotseeonadate.Itistheseexperiencesthatprovidea fullerpictureofthepersonyouaredating6. Asanaside,sometimespeopleaskme,Well,Iamnotsureifthisistherightone becauseIdontfeellikeacoupleyet,howdoIgettofeellikeacouple?Thesimpleansweris todothingsasacoupletotryitonandseeifitfits.Oneareaofactinglikeacoupleis goingplacestogether,andperhapsoneofthemostcomfortableplacesisaneutralShabbos table.Isuggestthatcouplesmeetinaneutralhome,suchasthehomeofafriendofeither orbothsides,asopposedtothehomeofarelative,becauseitrelievesthepressurethat accompaniesvisitingarelativewiththepersonyouaredating.Also,ifyougotoarelativeyou mayhavetodealwiththeotherissueofbeingseeninpublictogether,whereas,oftenyou canfindafriendinaneutralcommunity.IfyoudecidetospendaShabbostogether,itdoes nothavetobeforallthreemeals.Dependingonthecircumstancesandhowcomfortableyou arewitheachother,onemealmaybeallyouarereadyfor,orperhapstwo.Iwouldeven suggestthatunlessthingsareveryserious,itmaybebetternottohaveallthreemeals together,inordertogiveeachofyousomespaceandtimealone. AtwhatpointintherelationshipisitappropriatetospendaShabbosmealtogether? Onaverage,ifthingsareprogressing,anywherebetween48weeks.Isayasearlyasfour
Another possible added bonus if you spend the meal at a friends is another opinion of someone you trust as to how they perceive you as a couple.
6

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weeks,becauseifyouareenjoyingeachotherscompanyandmakingthearrangementsisnot difficult,thenitshouldbepursued.Therelationshipitselfcanevenbeenhancedbyjust beginningthediscussionofmakingplansforafutureShabbos.Often,talkingaboutdoing thingstwoandthreeweeksinthefutureenhancestherelationshipandtakesawaysomeof thepressureofthedatetodateperspectiveandthefearthatthingsmightendonthenext date.

Movingthingsalong:VulnerabilityversusCaution Oneofthemostcommonproblemsthatdatersfaceinarelationshipistheabilityto

movethingsalongthroughthevariousstages.Asoutlinedatthebeginningofthischapter, relationshipsdevelopinstagessimilartothatofclimbingamountain;thereisaclimbandthen aplateau.Somedatershaveaneasytimegettingthroughthefirstfewstages,butoftengetto apointintherelationshipwherethingsarestagnantandtherelationshippetersout.Howcan youmovetherelationshipalongduringthemiddlestagesoftherelationship? Themainobjectivetomovingtherelationshipalongistocontinuouslynurturethe

relationship.Howdoyounurturetherelationship?Bygivingtoeachotherandshowingthat youcareforeachother.Partofcaringforeachotherisaccommodatingeachothersschedules fordatesandgenuinelytakinginterestintheotherpersonslifeanddailyactivities.Ifyouare goingouttoaparkmakesureyoubringalongadrinkandsnack.Attheendofthedateifyou areescortingherhome,makesureshegetsintothebuilding,andifsheisgoinghome separately,callandmakesureshearrivessafely. Inadditiontoactions,itiscriticaltoexpressinwordshowyouarefeelingaboutthe

otherpersonandtherelationship.Everythreetofivedates,astherelationshipplateausyou shoulddiscusshowthingshaveprogressedandhowyoufeelclosertoeachother.Sometimes youmayfeelcloserafteraparticularevent.Perhapsyouhadagreatdateatamuseumor specialdinner,ormaybeyouvisitedagrandmotherandfeltaspecialconnectionthere.What isimportantisthatthefeelingsyoufeelinsidebeexpressedinwords.Forsomethismaybea

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difficultexercise,especiallyifyouareintrovertedtobeginwithordonotfeelcomfortable expressingyouremotions,butitistheonlywaytomovetherelationshipforward. IonceheardthefollowingconceptfromDr.SaraBarris,anotedpsychologistwho

specializesinworkingwithcouplesintheModernOrthodoxcommunity.Shesaysthatonlyby discussingtopicsthataremorepersonalandbymakingourselvesvulnerableareweableto deeplyconnectwitheachother.Theadvantagesofdiscussingyourvulnerabilitiesarethree fold.Firstandforemost,itbuildstheemotionalconnectionwhichiscriticaltoallrelationships. Second,itgivesyoutheopportunitytonotonlyspeakaboutthingsthatareclosetoyoubut alsotoobserveyourdatesreactionandresponse,whetheritbeoneofconcernandempathy ordisinterest.Thirdly,itallowsforgreaterdialogueconcerningatopicthatisimportantto you.Forsomemoreexperienceddatersthismaybemoredifficult;afterall,howmanytimes canyouopenupanddiscussthosethingsthatonlyafewpeopleknowaboutyouwhenyou havenotseenpositiveresults,i.e.:datingthatleadstoanengagement,inyourprior relationships?Thereisnoshortcut,however,forbecomingcloserwithanotherperson withoutdevelopingtherelationshipthroughsharingexperiencesandbecoming,attimes, vulnerable.Ofcourse,thisisatwowaystreet,andifonesideopensuptheotherperson shouldfollowsuitanddothesame. Ihavefoundthatforthosepeoplethathaveahardtimeexpressinginpersonhowthey feel,sendinganiceemail,card,ortextmessagecanalsodothetrick.Often,especiallyinthe areaofrelationships,peoplefeelmorecomfortablesayingmoreintheseformatsthanin person.Ifyouwouldliketouseallofthesesuggestionsandcommunicatewitheachother bothinpersonanddigitallythatisalsohelpful. Buyingsmallgiftsandmementosisalsoagoodwaytoshowthatyoucare.Itdoesnot

matterifitisabookorastuffedanimal,astheconceptremainsthesame.Thegiftexpresses thatyouthoughtaboutyourdateanddecidedtobuysomethingtogivehimorher.Another optionisbakingcookies;youshoulddowhatevercomesnaturallyandyouarecomfortable with.IfyouaretogetherforShabbos,orifyouareawayformorethanaweek,flowersare almostalwaysappreciatedbywomen.

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Inmyopinion,itisnotappropriatetocommentaboutafemalesappearanceonadate

evenastherelationshipdevelops.Ofcourse,thismaydependontheparticularindividuals andthespecificwomanscomfortlevelintheseareas,butthesafestapproachistorefrain whenindoubt.FromwhatIamtold,manymodestreligiouswomenfeelveryuncomfortable whentheirdatecommentsabouthowtheylookorhowtheyaredressed.Ibelievethereare timesthatitisappropriatetosay,Youlooknice,butnotmorethanthat.Inadditionto embarrassingyourdate,itiscriticaltomaintainboundariesoftzinutthroughoutthedating processandthisisaclearexpressionofthatideal.Obviously,inallotherareasitis appropriateandencouragedtocomplimentyourdate,asIalreadyelaboratedupon,sincethat iswhatcreatestheemotionalbondintherelationship. WhileonthetopicofmovementwithintherelationshipIwouldaddthatitis importanttopaceyourselfandnottrytomovethingsalongunnaturally.Arelationshipis dynamicanditcannotberushed.Onceinawhiletheremaybesomespecialchemistryatthe beginningofarelationshipandthingswillfeelthattheyaremovingalongveryquickly.Donot getcarriedawayandstartgoingouteverynightoftheweek.Arelationshipneedstime betweendatesforthetwopeopletoprocesstheexperienceandbuilduponit.Keepinmind; datingisalongmarathon,nota100meterdash.Ifyoutrytosprintatthebeginningyoumay runoutofenergyandendurance,andthingswillinevitablybegintofeelstaleveryshortly thereafter.Takeyourtimeandenjoyyourexperiencestogether,andbuilduponthemfrom datetodate.Thisinitselfcanalsobeagoodtopictodiscusstogether,i.e.:whetheryoueach feelcomfortablewiththepaceandwaythattherelationshipisdeveloping.Obviouslyitis nearlyimpossibleforeachofyoutodevelopthesamefeelingsforeachotheratexactlythe samerate,butitisimportanttocheckinwitheachothertomakesurethatyouaremovingat relativelythesamepace.Ifyouhavefriendsthatgotengagedafterthreemonthsandyouare stilldatingafterfourmonthsthatisfine,aslongasthereispositivemovementinthe relationship.Whatmattersistheendresult,nothowyougetthere.
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Lookingpastandlookingback Evenasarelationshipdevelopsyoumayfindthatinsomeareasthetwoofyoumatch upwellandthatthereiscompatibilitybutnotinotherareas.Howdoyouweighyourdecision whetherornottocontinueifnoteverythinglinesupperfectly?Towardsthebeginningofthe relationship,aslongasyourfeelingsareneutralandyouseepotential,youshouldcontinue datinginordertogetabetterandfullerpictureofeachother.Attimestheremayevenbea particularpersonalitytrait,familyhistory,orprofessionalgoalthatmaynotbewhatyouwere expectingtofindinamate;nonethelessyoushouldtrytoshelvethoseconcernsinlightof theoverallperspectiveonthings.Asyoucontinuetodateyoushouldtrytofocusonthe positivecomponents,andoneoftwothingswilleventuallyhappeneitherthoseparticular itemsthatpreviouslybotheredyouwillnolongertroubleyou(eitherbecauseyouover emphasizedthemortheywerenotwhatyouhadoriginallyperceivedthemtobe),oryouwill beexasperatedtotheextentthatyoumustobviouslyendtherelationship. However,onceinawhileoneofthesethingslurkinginthebackgroundbecomes lessprominent,yetmaystillseemtobotheryou,perhapslessthanbefore,butitisstillever present.Whatdoyoudothen?Atthispointyouneedtostepbackandevaluatethesituation fromamoreholisticapproach.Thinktoyourself,orevenbetteryet,writedownalistofall ofthepositivequalitiesyouadmireintheotherperson.Thenmakeanotherlistoftheitems thatyoudislikeoraretroubledbyandexaminethesetwolistscarefully.Ifyouarehaving difficultydoingthisonyourownyoumaywantthehelpofamarriedfriend,shadchanor parentforanunbiasedassessment.Trytokeepthingsinperspectiveandthinkaboutwhat trulyisintegraltoyourrelationshipandwhatcanyougetpastandwhatisadealbreaker. Hopefullythisexercisewillassistyouwiththisdecision. Thereisapossibilitythatevenafterattemptingtolookpastasomewhatminor detailforsomepeople,youmaystillfeelstuckinyourdecisionandcannotproceedtomove therelationshipforward.Evenifyouareabletolistmanywonderfulattributesoftheperson youaredating,somedatersmaintainanoverlyanalyticalperspectiveandcontinuetorevisita specificissue,andassumethatthismustbearedflagandreasontoendtherelationship.
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However,thisisnotalwaystrue.Sometimes,individualswhoareverymeticulousinmany aspectsoftheirlife,orperhapshaveaperfectionistpersonality,maybemorepronetofinding themselvesinthesecircumstances.Insuchacase,itmaypossiblybehelpfultoseek professionaladvicetolearnhowtodevelop,nurture,andprogressarelationshipunderthose circumstances. RedFlags Obviously,thereareafewitemsthatshouldbeconsideredredflagsbyallaccounts. Ifyouhaveanydoubtaboutthesecategoriesorexamples,pleaseseekfurtherguidance. Ifthenegativetimesoutweighthepositivetimestogetherintermsofquantity,evenif thegoodtimesareamazing,thisshouldconcernyouandthefutureoftherelationship. Ifyoufindthatthereisaninabilitytorepairtherelationshipafterconflicts,andthatone orbothsidesholdsontoagrudge,anger,ordefensivenessandisnotcapableofunderstanding theotherpersonsperspective. Ifyoufindahighlevelofcriticismordegradingofyouressenceandnotsimplya disagreementaboutaspecificbehavior,orifyoufeelthatyoualwaysneedtoexplainyourself andwhereyouaretothepersonyouaredating. Anyindicationofabuse,whetheritisphysicaloremotional,oranyhostility, aggressiveness,ordemeaningbehavior. Howtoendarelationship: Partofthedatingprocessislearninghowtoendarelationshipinasensitivemanner.

Justasyoudoyourbesttoputyourbestfootforwardatthestartofarelationshipandhope tomakeagoodimpression,youshouldmaintainthatsenseofrespectanddignitywhenthe timecomestoendapotentialcourtship.Ifyouareusingashadchanorgobetweenandithas onlybeenoneortwodates,itisacceptedtotelltheshadchanthatyouarenotinterestedin pursuingtherelationshipfurtherandheorshecontactsthepersonwithyourdecision.After thethirdorfourthdateyoushouldspeakdirectlywiththepersonyouaredatingaboutyour

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desiretoendtherelationship.Oftenthisisuncomfortable,especiallyiftheotherpersonis interestedinpursuingtherelationshipfurther.Iwouldadviseyoutobefairlycertainbefore youmakethedecisiontoendtherelationshipandnottomakethedecisionwithoutgivingthe relationshipadecentchancetodeterminewhetherithaspotentialornot.Itshouldbe understoodthatmostrelationshipsdonotbeginwithsparksandpersonalitiesdonot necessarilyclickatfirst.Itiscommonforpeopletogoonthreeormoredatesbeforethey begintofeelcomfortableandareabletoconnectwitheachotherinameaningfulway. Herearesomebasicguidelinesofpropermodesofendingarelationship. Neverendarelationshipbysendingatextmessageoremail. Itisalwaysmostappropriatetoendtherelationshipinpersonandnotoverthephone, especiallyifyouhavegoneonmorethanfourdates. Evenafteryouendtherelationship,besuretobecourteousandrespectfuluntilthe dateends7. Evenifyouhaveastrongfeelingatthebeginningofafirstdatethatthisisnotgoingto workout,donotmakeanexcusetoendthedateafterlessthantwohours.Finishthe dateattheusualdurationandmaintainproperkavodhabrios.

On many occasions, after you date and get to know each other, after you end the relationship you or your date may think of friends that may be a more appropriate match for each other.

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Chapter3: Engagement
Howdoyouknowifyouarereadytogetengaged? Weallwanttobesweptoffofourfeetinordertofeelcomfortablewithourdecision thatheorsheistherightone;however,thatdoesnotalwayshappen.Notonlydoesthat notalwayshappen,inrealityitalmostneverhappens.Somerelationshipsmaybeginwith sparks,butthatisjustsuperficialchemistrywhichmaybebaseduponphysicalattractionor otherfactors.Forarelationshiptolastitneedstobenurturedforamuchlongertimeandon amuchdeeperemotionallevel. Thefollowingisalistofquestionsthatcomprisethebasicingredientsforahealthy relationship,whichmakeupthefundamentalsofanemotionalbondthatcanlast: Doyouenjoyspendingtimetogether? Doyoulookforwardtoupcomingdatesormeetings? Doyoulikehisorherpersonalityasawhole? Isthereabasicphysicalattraction? Doeshe/shebringoutthebestinyou? Doyouhavecommongoalsandaspirations? Istheremutualrespectofideasandopinions? Areyouflexibleandsupportiveofeachother? Canyouenvisionspendingtherestofyourlifewiththisperson? Inaddition,beforeyougetengagedmakesure: Youdidsomeformofgenetictestingeitheratahospital8orwithDorYeshorim,an organizationthatoffersgeneticscreeningtomembersofOrthodoxJewishcommunity9.The objectiveofthisscreeningistominimizetheoccurrenceofgeneticdisorderscommonto

If you do the genetic testing at a hospital you can find out if you are a carrier for any major diseases or not. There are different opinions as to when the most appropriate time is to check that you are compatible genetically. Some suggest checking early on in the relationship, while others advise waiting until things get more serious. I would advise at least discussing the topic on a date after four to six weeks of dating.
9

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Jewishpeople.Tofindaparticipatingtestingsitenearyouortorequestabrochure,pleasecall DorYeshorimat7183846060. Youhaveeachmettheothersparents,barringunforeseencircumstancesor geographicalbarriers. ButIamnotexcited? Aspeopledateforafewmonthsitcanhappenthatonepartyintherelationshipis

readytomakethecommitmentandtheothersideisstillunsure.Theroleofthepersonwho isreadyistobesupportiveandcaringandallowtheotherpersonthespaceandtimeto cometoadecision.Thisisnotthetimetopullbackintherelationship.Onthecontrary,if therelationshiphaswhatittakestomoveforwardthenyouneedtocontinuetonurtureitand eachother.Sometimespeopleneedalittlemoretimetofeelcomfortablemakingadecision ofthisgravityandtheyareentitledtothattime.Evenifyourinitialresponseistobeupset thatyouhavetowait,realizethatafewmoreweeksisnothingcomparedtoapossible lifetimetogether.Thistimeperiodisjustascriticalforyouasitisforhim/her.Asalways, beingopenandsharingwitheachotheriscriticalatthisstage.Ifyoufeelthatdatesare becomingroutineandstale,makesuretodosomethingdifferenthavealongdaydateatan amusementparkorgoonapicniciftheweatherisnice,butkeepitdifferentandinteresting. AsIoutlinedpreviously,relationshipsworkinanupwardmovementwithstopsalong theway.Ifyougetstuckatanypointfortoolongthingsmaybegintounravel.Ihaveseen numerousrelationshipsthatgofromtentativetodefinitewithinashortperiodoftime.Ifyou focusonthepositiveseverythingelseshouldhopefullyfallnaturallyintoplace. ButIamnotsure? Afterallissaidanddoneandevenifyoucancheckoffeverythingfromthelistabove, engagementisstillastressfuldecision,asitmaybeconsideredthemostimportantoneof yourlifeandthereforeisunderstandablynoteasy.Everyoneshouldexpectsomelevelof nervousnessasheorshecontemplatesengagement,somemorethanothersdependingon
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personality.Thereisalwaysaleapoffaithnomatterhowwellyouknowtheotherperson andhowmanymonthsyouvedated;youcanonlyknowsomuchaboutapersononadate.If, however,youhavehadalotofexperiencestogether,beyondsittingacrossatablefromeach other,inseveralforumsandsettings,andyourfamilysupportsyourchoiceanditsimplyfeels right,theseareallhealthyindicatorsthatyoushouldtaketherelationshiptothenext dimension.Sometimesevenifeverythinglinesupanditmakessense,atleastintellectually, youmaybeunabletomakethedecisionintheaffirmative.Perhapsthereisanaddedlayerof anxietythatisholdingyouback,orsomethinginyourhistory.Whateveritmaybe,itwouldbe helpfultoseeksomeprofessionalcounselatthispointtosortitout.Countlesssinglesvisit withmentalhealthprofessionalswhiletheydateandtheycanbeveryusefulinclarifying issuesanddefiningproblemswithaneyetowardssolutions. Herearesomeguidelinesthatmayassistyouinrecognizingwhetheryoumayneedto seekprofessionalguidance.Youmaywanttogoaloneortogetherasacouple,dependingon whethertheissueisindividualbasedorcouplebased. 1)Ifyouhaveanindecisivepersonalitytotheextentthatyoufeelcrippledbyanxiety whenyouneedtomakeadecisionrelatedtotherelationship.Often,peoplewhohave perfectionisttendenciesmaybemorepronetothis. 2)Ifyoufeelthattherelationshipismovingveryslowlyorifyouhavenotfeltforward movementintwotothreeweeksandcannotfindaneasyexplanationforit,suchasoneof youwentoutoftownfortwoweeks. 3)Ifyoufindthatdisagreementsandfightingbegintodominatetherelationshipand thatyouhaveproblemscommunicatingwitheachother,butyouarestillfondofeachother andwanttomaketherelationshipwork. Youmayjustneedafewshortsessionstoputthingsinperspectiveandtounderstand whyyouarefeelingthisway.Dontthinkanylessofyourselfifyouneedtoseekprofessional guidanceitmaybeoneofthebestdecisionsyouevermake.
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Engagementperiod Onceyoudecidetomakethecommitmentandgetengaged,itistimetoplanfor theweddingandyournewlifetogether.Thisperiodistypicallyfilledwithfeelingsofupsand downs,ofelationandstress,andofcertaintyanddoubt.Inshort,engagementisa rollercoasterofemotions.Whilesomecouplescandeepentheirrelationshipduringthis period,eveninahealthyrelationshipthismaynotalwayshappen,simplybecauseofthe pressureandtimecommitmentsthatcomealongwhilethecouplepreparesfortheupcoming weddingandtheirlifethereafter.Butdontlosetrackoftheexcitementandfunthatcomes alongwithalltheplanning,andtrytomakesurethatamidstalloftheshoppingandpreparing youcontinuetonurturetherelationshipandhavefunandrelaxedtimetogetheronceaweek. Youshouldtrytomakeengagementatimeofgrowthinyourrelationship.Youdonotwantto forget,inthemidstofeverythingelsethatmaybegoingoninyourbusylife,whyyoumade thedecisiontomarryeachotherinthefirstplace.Also,althoughyoumaywanttohave monthsandmonthstoplanandfretovereverylastdetailofyourwedding,ifitisatall possible,trytokeeptheengagementperiodtoathreetofourmonthwindow.Thisshouldbe alongenoughtimetoprepareadequatelywithoutprolongingthisperiodofwaitingforthe wedding.Itishealthierforyourrelationshiptominimizethisperiodandtogettothenext stageoftherelationshipwhereyoucantrulygivetoeachotheronaconstantbasis. WhyamIsonervous?Preandpostengagementjitters ImagineyoufindyourselfwakingupthemorningafteryourLeChaimorVort wondering,WhatdidIjustdo,Idontevenknowhimorher?Donotworry;youarein perfectlygoodcompany.Itisverycommontohavesecondthoughtsaftermakingwhatis perhapsthemostimportantdecisionofyourlife.Atthosemomentstrytorememberallof thegoodtimesyouspenttogetherandwhatmadeyouwanttobecomeengagedtothis person.Iftheissuepersistsorfeelsinsurmountable,seekprofessionalhelpbeforethingsare
33

blownoutofproportion.Ifyournaturaltendencyistobenervousandsecondguessyourself, thisanxietymayjustbeanoutgrowthofthat. PremaritalCounseling Iwouldalsorecommendthateachengagedcoupleentertainsthepossibilityof attendingapremaritalcounselingsessionwithaprofessionaltherapistinordertobebetter equippedforbuildingtheirmarriagetogetherandstartingthingsoffontherightfoot.The purposeofthesesessionsistoeducatethecoupleaboutrelationshipsandtoteachthemhow toinvestintheirrelationshipandtodeepenthefriendshipthattheydevelopedduringtheir courtshipandtohelpthembestprepareforsituationsthatmayariseaftermarriage.Shana Rishonaisaveryspecialandcriticaltimefortherelationshipandsolidifiesastrongfoundation forthecouple.Havingafewpremaritalsessionswillhopefullyenhancethisperiodinyourlife togetherandthemanyyearstocome. Prenuptials Allengagedcouplesshouldfilloutandsignaprenuptialagreement,whichcaneasily bedownloadedfromtheRCAwebsite(www.bethdin.org)atnocharge.SimilartotheKesuba, thisagreementsolidifiesthecommitmentofthecoupletoeachotherandshowstheirutmost desiretocareforeachotherunderallcircumstances.Theincreaseutilizationofprenuptial agreementsisacriticalstepinpurgingourcommunityofthedistressingproblemofthe moderndayAgunaandenablingmenandwomentoremarrywithoutrestriction.Isuggest youusetheRCAversionoftheprenuptialasopposedtohiringalawyertocraftyourown,as thatstrategymayleadtomorecomplicationsthatmaycausemoreanguishthanitsintended purposeofdispellingfears. ChossonandKallahClasses ChoosingtheappropriateChasanandKallahteacherdependsonthespecific individualsandtheirbackgrounds.Beforeyouchooseaspecificteacheryoushoulddecideon
34

theformatyouwouldfeelmostcomfortablein.Someteachersofferclassestolargegroups whileothersteachindividualChassanimandKallahs.Itisalsoimportanttoensurethatthe informationandHalachataughtduringthesesessionsisconsistentforboththechossonand kallah,soasnottocausepossibleconfusionlateronaftermarriage.Findingaposekwhowill answeryourpostmarriagequestionsisalsosomethingtodiscussatthisstageinthe relationship. Inadditiontotheseclasses,whichprimarilycoverHalachikknowledgeforthenew coupleintheareaofTaharasHamishpacha,eachcoupleshouldalsoconsulteithertheir ChossonorKallahteachersorothermentorsthatofferashortindividualclassonother specificinformationrelatedtomarriage,whichisoftenreferredtoasaschmooze.Thistalk iscriticalforallcouplestoengageinseparatelyandyoushouldconsultyourmesaderkidushin ifyouarehavingdifficultylocatingoneinyourarea.

Chapter4: AssortedPointstoPonder
(4:1)Firstphonecalls: Ifyouarelikemanypeople,youmaynotlookforwardtoorenjoythefirstphonecall,so hereareafewshortpiecesofadvicethatmaydealwithsomeofyourquestions.First:whydo weevenhavethefirstphonecall?True,insomeOrthodoxcirclestheshadchanarrangesthe firstdateforbothsidesandsimplytellsthemwhereandwhen,butIthinkinourcirclesithas becomeacceptedthatthetwoprospectivedatersdiscussthesedetailstogetheronthephone beforethefirstdate.Itisimportanttokeepinmindthatthepurposeofthefirstphonecallis toarrangeameeting,nottonecessarilyspeakaboutyourfamilybackgroundandlife aspirationssavethatforthedateitself.Thefirstphonecallshouldbeverylightandnotlonger thanthirtyminutes,unlessyouarereallyhavingagoodtimetogetherandtheconversation justflows.Ontheotherhand,youneedtostrikeabalancesothatitisnottooshorteither.For
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example,aguyshouldnotcallupaprospectivedate,introducehimself,andimmediatelysay, Sohowabouttomorrownightat7pm?Rather,youshouldbeginwithsomediscussionand leadintoarrangingthedate. Anotherpointtokeepinmindisthatitisonlyafirstphonecall.Donotdraw conclusionsoranalyzewhatshesaidorwhathedidnotsayorhowboringitwas.Bepatient untilafterthefirstdate(ormore)tobeginthoseassessments.Iknowofcountlessstories wherethefirstphonecallwasabitsloworawkwardbutthefirstdatewasfine. (4:2)Whytosayyesafterthefirstdate Nowthatyouhavefinallydecidedtodateaparticularperson,hadthefirstphonecall, andwentonadate,youneedtomakeanotherdecisiondoyouwanttogooutagain?Well, ifyoutakemyadvice,youwillhaveonelessdecisiontofretover.Youshouldautomatically agreetoaseconddateeverytimeunlessitwasaverynegativeexperience.Thelogicisas follows:asyouknowyourself,afirstdateentailsthejittersandawkwardnessoftryingto makeapositivefirstimpression,whichnoteveryoneexcelsin,anditthereforetakestwo datestogetafairimpression.Ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter,viewthefirsttwodatesasone longdatewithtwoparts.Sometimesapersonreturnsfromafirstdateandfeelsthatitwent ok,butIdonotseemyselfevermarryingthispersonanddecidesnottocontinuethe relationship.Thisisamistake.Duringthefirststagesofthedatingprocessyoushouldnotbe focusedonmarriage,ratherondevelopingtherelationshipandgettingtoknoweachother. Afterall,howcanyouexpecttoevencontemplatemarryinganyoneaftermeetinghimorher forafewhours?Apersonneedstimetowarmup,becomfortable,andactlikewhoheorshe reallyis,andthattakesatleastafewdates.Ifyousaynoafterthefirstdate,youarenot sayingnotothepersonyouagreedtogooutwith,butinsteadtothefirstdateimpression theygaveoff.Iknowofmanycouplesthatattheinceptionoftheirrelationshipthingswere okorparvewithoutanyexcitementorsparks,butastherelationshipevolvedandasthey nurturedit,theywereabletoseeeachotherstruepersonalitiesandconnect.So,nexttime youareunsurewhethertoagreetoaseconddate,makeitsimpleandsayyes.
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Ifeelthatthisisalsotheplacetomentionawordortwoaboutphysicalattraction. Everyoneagreesthatyouneedtobeattractedtothepersonthatyoumarry.However,that doesnotnecessarilyrequireyoutofeelthatattractionthemomentyoumeetoronthefirst date.Aslongasthereisaneutralfeelingtowardstheotherparty,overashortperiodoftime asacouplegetstoknoweachother,theybegintoappreciateotherfacetsofeachothers personality,andagreatersenseofattractionisdeveloped.Unlessyouareverycertainthat youcanneverbecomeattractedtotheotherperson,continuetherelationship. (4:3)Buttheemotionsarenotthere? Onceyouagreetogooutonasecondandeventhirddateyouagainneedtomake

anotherdecisionwhethertocontinueinvestingintherelationshipornot.Iwouldofferthe followingguidelinesforyourdecisionmakingprocess.Forthefirstthreetofivedatesyou shouldcontinuedatingaslongasyouseesomepotentialintherelationship.Remember,you shouldnotbeexpectingsparksflyingorbutterfliesinyourstomacheverytimeyousee eachother,ratherthereshouldbesomesharedinterestsandcommongroundtoconverse about.Evenifyourfeelingscontinuetobeneutralyoushouldcontinuedating,asittakestime forthefeelingstofollow.

Afterthefifthorsixthdateyouwillwanttomakeadecisionastowhetheryouthink thatthisisarelationshipworthinvestingin,sinceatthispointifyoucontinuedatingyoucan nolongercallitquitsonadimeatthispointyouareseeingeachotherandshouldexpect togooutatleastafewmoretimesbeforemakinganotherevaluation. Thisisimportantforafewreasons.Oneisthatyouneedtorelaxintherelationshipand notbeconcernedthatitmayendaftereachdate,becauseonlythenwillyoubeabletospeak moreopenlyandgettoknoweachother,whichmayincludedisclosingcertainvulnerabilities. Second,itisverydifficulttodiscerngrowthinarelationshipifyoukeeponcheckingoveryour shouldereverytenminutestoexamineifthereisgrowth.Theonlywaythatyouwillnotice movementintherelationshipisifyoustepbackforaweekortwoandsimplyfocuson enjoyingspendingtimewitheachotherandthenreflectonthepasttwoweeksandseeifyou
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feelanydifferentlyabouteachotherortherelationshipasawhole.Asyouspendmoretime togetherandgettoknoweachotheronadeeperlevel,youremotionsforeachothershould growaswell.However,itmayhappenthatyouwillgooutwithsomeoneforanumberof weeks,butstillsaytoyourself,butmyemotionsarenotthereandwanttoprematurelyend aperfectlyhealthyrelationshipaftersixweeksontheassumptionthataftersixweeksina relationshipIshouldbefeelingxamountofemotionfortheotherperson,andIdonot.The truthisthatarelationshiphasmanydifferentfactors,asdoyourfeelingsanditishardto knowhowandwhenouremotionswillnaturallydevelopforanotherperson10.Allhuman beingsareuniqueandeachofusisatadifferentpointinthespectrumofhowouremotions developovertimeaffectouractions.Thatbeingsaid,sometimesyouneedmoreofacloser bondtogetherbeforeyoudevelopthosefeelingsanditisonlyaquestionoftime. Alternatively,maybeyouhavebeenrejectedsomanytimesinthepastthatyouputupan invisibleshieldpreventingyourselffromgettingemotionallyinvolvedintherelationship,or perhapsyouaremorecerebralthanemotionallydrivenandthereforedonothavestrong feelingsatthisstageintherelationship.Whateverthespecificreasonmaybeforyou,aslong asyouareenjoyingthedatesandfeelaprogressionintherelationship,evenifyoudonotfeel thosedeepemotionsinside,itmakessensetocontinuedating. Therationalebehindthisisthatpartofthegoalofdatingistohave,tothebestofyour ability,clarityregardingtherelationship.Claritycancomeinanegativeform,whenyouare surethattherelationshipshouldend,orinapositiveway,whenyouaresurethatheorsheis theoneforyou.Whathappensoftenisthatdatersareinarelationshipandthingsbeginto feelalittlemurkyandcloudyandtheybecomeveryuncertain,Isheorshetherightone?, DoIreallylikespendingtimewithhimorher?,Whatifhedoesntgetintomedicalschool? Becauseofthesedoubtsonemayassumeitissafertoendtherelationshipthantocontinue undertheseuncertainconditions.Myfeelingisthatbygoingoutafewmoretimesyouwillbe abletoturntheuncertaintytoclarity,inonewayoranother.Therefore,itisalways worthwhiletoseehowthingsplayoutandtocontinuedating.Thesameholdstrueifyou
10

See also Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski in I am I (1993), p.153-157.

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havequestionsaboutyouremotionalconnection:gooutalittlelongerandseeiftheemotions come.Chancesarethatifthereareotherissueslurkinginthebackgroundthatare compoundedbyyourlackofemotionyouwillshortlyendtherelationship.Butifalliswell asidefromyouremotions,keepthingsgoingandtrynottothinkaboutyouremotional connectionforaweekormore,andthenlookbackandreflecttoseeifyourfeelingsare moving,evenslightly,intherightdirection. (4:4)Datingmorethanonepersonsimultaneously Itisalwaysimportanttobemindfulthatdatingformarriageisaholyprocess.You arelookingforapartnertohelpyougrowasaperson,andhopefully,withthehelpofGd,to raiseafamilydedicatedtoHisservice.Therefore,youshouldfocusoneachpersonthatyou datecarefullyandmakesurethatyoudonotdismissthesuggestionwithoutthoroughlygiving itachancetowork.Partofgivingsomeoneachanceistoremainfocusedonthatperson whenyoudatehimorher.Weliveinasocietydrivenbytechnology,whereweusesearch enginesthatcancomputemoundsofinformationinlessthanasecond.Thisinfluencesour desireforimmediateanswerswhenwedate,andifitdoesntfeelperfectrightaway,thenwe tendtomoveontothenextperson.However,thisisnottheholyapproachtodating.The holyapproachsaysthateachindividualisuniqueandspecialandifforsomereasonIwas destinedtodatethisparticularperson11Ishouldgettoknowwhoheorsheisandseeifwe canmakethiswork.Clearly,theconceptofdatingmorethanonepersonatatimeis antitheticaltothisapproachtodating.Howcanyoufocusontwopeopleatthesametimeand giveeachyourcompleteattention?Peoplewhodoubledatearealwayscomparingtheir datesinordertodecidewithwhomtocontinueandwithwhomtoendtheirrelationship. Insteadofconcentratingoneachpersonseparatelyandseeinghowtherelationship progressesinordertodecideifyouwanttopursuetherelationship,youbecomeentangledin comparingthemtoeachother,whichisunfairtotheotherperson,andequally(ifnotmore)
It is told about the Rogatchover gaon that he would pay shadchanus gelt to every shadchan after each failed attempt because he felt every dating opportunity, even one that did not work out, was another step along the way of his finding his zivug.
11

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unfairtoyourself.Thesituationcandefinitelygetstickyquicklyifbothrelationshipsdevelop; leavingyouexhausted(andbroke)aftertwoweeksofdoubledating. Theotherissueishowtheotherpartywillfeelifandwhentheydiscoverthatyou aredatingsomeoneelseatthesametime.Theywillfeelcheatedon,evenifthatwasnotyour intention,andwillalmostcertainlybeleftwithanegativeimpression.Inshort,thestakesare toohighforyoutogamblewhenyoudate,andyouarebetterofffocusingononepersonata timethanrunningtheriskofspendinglessqualitytimewithtwopeopleatonce.Partofthe datingprocessisthesearchforclarityinyourdecisionmakingprocessanddoubledatingis onewaytoadduncertaintytoyourthoughtprocess. However,theremaybeanexceptiontothissteadfastruleofneverdoubledating, thoughthisshoulddefinitelybetheexceptionandnottherule.Onecommonexamplemight beifsomeoneistravellingalongdistancetogooutonadateinadifferentcityandplanstobe therefortwoweeksormore.Perhapsitmaymakesensetoarrangedateswithmorethanone personforthattripincasethefirstdoesnotworkout.Amorecomplicatedsituationisifyou arewaitingtogooutwithsomeoneandheorshewasbusyforawhileandnowbecome available,andintheinterimyoustartdatingsomeoneelse.whatdoyoudo? Obviouslyeverycaseisdifferent,butIwouldgivethefollowinggeneralguidelines. Allthingsbeingequal,youshouldmaintainthegoldenruleofonepersonatatime.However, ifyouhaveonlydatedthesecondpersontwoorthreetimesanditdoesnotlookpromising, thenyoumayconsiderdatingtheotherpersonalso.Inallcases,ifyouhavegoneoutmore thanfourtimeswithsomeoneyoushouldpursuethattoitsfullestbeforeconsideringanything else. Onemorepertinentpointregardingdoubledating:Beyondgoingoutwithtwo peopleatthesametime,youshouldabstainfromlookingintootheroptionswhiledating someone,evenifyouonlywentonafirstdate.Onceyousayyesandcommittogoingout, youshouldnotacceptanysuggestionsfromanyone,evenfromyourmotherscousinsnext doorneighborsbestfriend!Thiscommentisalsointendedforshadchanimandmatchmakers beforeyousuggestanametosomeone,firstaskhimorherifheorsheisavailabletotakea
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suggestion,andifheorshehesitate,endtheconversationandencouragethemtofocuson whomevertheyareseeingandtoreturnyourcallifiteverbecomesrelevantatsomepointin thefuture.Evenmoreimportantly,youshouldnotuseanyonlineformofinformationor picturestoreceivesuggestionswhileyouarepresentlydatingsomeone.Turnyourstatusto datingassoonasyouaccepttodatesomeoneuntiltherelationshiphascompletelyended. Everyonedeservesthekavodhabriosofyourundividedattention,nottomentionyourself. (4:5)ListofnamesWhyhavethem? Whatisalistandwhatpurposedoesitserve?Thepositiveaspectofmaintainingalist istokeeptrackofsuggestionsinanorderlyfashion,inordernottomissdatingopportunities. Asimplewayofusingalististotakedownnamesofsuggestionsandperhapssome biographicalinformationwithcontactinformation.Thedownsideofalististhatitcan becomeoverwhelminganddistractingwhileyouareinthemiddleofarelationship.For instance,ifyouaredatingsomeoneandcontinuetotakedownnamesandsuggestionsof otherpossibledates,youmayfallintothetherearebetterfishintheseasyndrome.This mayhinderyourfocusfromconcentratingspecificallyonthepersonyouarepresentlydating. Also,ifyouaccumulatealistofmorethanfivenamesitmaybecomedifficulttodecipherwho tochoosetodatenext.Therefore,Iwouldsuggestyoukeepyourlistlimitedtonomorethan fivenamesatatime.Additionally,whenyouareinarelationship,youshouldnottake additionalnamestoaddtoyourlist.Youmayalsoopttorecordthenameoftheperson makingthesuggestioninordertogetbacktohimorherifandwhenyouarefreetodate again.Iwouldsuggestthisevenifyouareonlyatthebeginningofarelationship,aftertwoor threedates,asyouareevenmorevulnerablethentotheintrusionofthoughtsaboutother datingpossibilitiesonthehorizon. (4:6)ROLEPLAY:Theroleoftheparentandfriend ParentalRoleForgoodandforbad:
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WeliveinaneducationalculturewherethemajorityofModernOrthodoxyouthattend

YeshivaorseminaryinIsraelafterhighschoolgraduation.Formanyreasonsthischangesthe dynamicoftheparent/childrelationship.Oftenstudentsreturnafterayearormoretothe UnitedStateswithastrongerconnectiontotheirheritageandattempttomaintainthesame religiouscommitmentthattheyestablishedforthemselvesinYeshiva.Unfortunately,when thistransitionhomedoesnotgoasplanned,foreithertheparentorthechild,astrainisleft ontherelationshipwhichmayaffecthowtheyrelatetoeachothergoingforward.Thisstrain isfeltpoignantlywhenthechilddecidestobegintodateformarriage.Insomesituations, theseindividualslookforguidancetopeersandteachersinsteadoftheirparentsinthisrealm, astheyviewthisasareligiousendeavor,andthereforesomethingthattheydonotconsult theirparentsabout. WhileyourdecisiontoseekreligiousadviceinareasrelatedtoHalachaandpersonal

growthmayberelegatedtoRabbinicauthorities,itisimportanttokeepthechannelsof communicationopenwithyourparents,wheneverpossible,inallotherareas.Asidefrom somebasiclevelofhakarashatovandformalobligationsbasedonkibudavvaem,ourparents knowuslongerthananyoneelseandhavemanyyearsoflifeexperience.Hopefully,ifyou keptupyourrelationshipwithyourparentsthroughadolescence,theyunderstandyour emotionalneeds.Parentscanbeextremelyhelpfulduringtheearlystagesofyourdating processandcanhelpyoudecidewhenyouarereadytobegindatingandwhattolookforina prospectivespouse.Also,unlikeyoursinglefriendswhohaveneverexperiencedwhatitfeels liketoconnectwithsomeoneonaverydeepemotionallevel,yourparentshaveandtheycan adviseyouasyougothroughthedatingprocess.Evenifyoudontviewyourparentsas relationshipexperts,theystillknowyoulongerandbetterthananyoneelse. Atthesametime,itisimportanttorealizethattheparent/childrelationshipcanbe

complicatedattimes,andIdliketoofferafewguidelines.Parentsneedtoknowtheir boundariesandallowtheirchildrentomakedecisionsforthemselves,eveniftothemthese decisionsseemwrong.Partoftheprocessofmaturinganddevelopingonesownsenseofself isautonomouslymakingbothsignificantandinsignificantdecisionsbaseduponyourown

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thoughtprocesses,intuition,andresearch.Ihavefoundthatattheinitialstagesofthedating processmostparentsdonotgetheavilyinvolved.However,whenthingsbegintogetmore seriousandengagementseemsnear,theymaybegintoquestiontheirchildschoiceofa spouse.Ofcourse,ifthereissomethingobjectivelywrongwiththematch,parentsshouldbe thefirstonestosaysomethingtotheirchild.However,Ihavewitnessedsituationswhere parentsareconcernedwithmundaneandirrelevantdetails,andinsteadofshowingloveand supportfortheirchildtheyaddanxietyandpressuretoanalreadystressfulsituation12. Parentsalwayswantthebestfortheirchildren.Butthisdesiremaybe

accompaniedbyarangeofvicariousintentionsandunreasonableexpectations.Surely,most Jewishmotherswanttheirdaughterstomarrydoctors,lawyers,orhonestbusinessmen(at leastbeforethestockmarketcrashed!),butdoesthatmeanthattheirdaughtersseekthe same?Youneedtomarrythepersonwithwhomyouwanttolivetherestofyourlife,notwith whomyourparentswantyoutoliveyourlife. FriendsRole: Friendsandespeciallyroommatescanbeveryhelpfulthroughoutthedatingprocessas

asourceofencouragementandsympathy.Youwillgothroughmanyupsanddownsasyou dateandahealthysupportsystemoffamilyandfriendsiscritical.Ifyourfriendisdating someoneseriously,givehimorherspace.Trynottomakeyourfriendfeelguiltyaboutnot spendingenoughtimewithyouifperhapstheymayseemtobeignoringyouinfavorofthe newfigureintheirlives.Understandthattheirlivesmaybeabitbusiernowandthattheyare tryingtojugglealloftheirobligations,whetheritisatworkorinschoolinadditiontotheir relationship.PerhapstrytospendqualitytimetogetheroverShabbosoramealtogether.If yourfriendrecentlyendedalongrelationship,trydoinganactivitytogetherorgooutfor dinnertoallowhimorhertotalkifheorsheneedstoreleasesomeenergyorfrustration.At thesametimeheorshemaynotwantthesympathy,soyouneedtofigurewhatworksbest forhimorher.Atanypoint,perhapsthebestmitzvahyoucandoforafriendistothinkof
12

See also Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski in I am I (1993), p.67-69.

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suggestionsforhimorher,whetheritbeanoldacquaintanceorsomeoneyourecentlydated youprobablyknowhimorherbetterthanmostpeopleandyourinputandassistancecan turnouttobeinvaluable. (4:7)Locationwheretodateandwherenottodate Perhapsjustasimportantaswhatyoutalkaboutonthedateisthemediumor locationthatyouchooseforadate.Realizethatyoumustplaninadvancewhereyouare goingandwhatyouaregoingtodoonthedate.Althoughtraditionallythisresponsibilityrests uponthemansshoulders,itisanicetouchwhenwomenoffertoplanadateonceinawhile. Whatismostimportantaboutthechoiceoflocationistheconceptofmixingthingsupin ordertokeepthedatesexciting.Ifyougototoomanyrestaurants,asideforbumpingintoall ofyourfriendsondates,itcangetquiteboring.Also,realizethatpeopledatedbefore Starbuckseverexisteditcanbedone!IngeneralIwouldsuggestthatyouhaveanactivity date(bowling,miniaturegolf,arcade,boatride,sportsgame,hikeetc.13)everythreeorso dates.Asidefromkeepingthingsmoreinteresting,doingdifferentthingsondatesallowsyou toseeeachotherinnewwaysandcanrevealsidesofapersonalitythatyouwerenotaware of.Goingtoanewmuseumorparticipatinginanartisticactivitycanalsobehelpful. Sometimesallarelationshipneedstofeelmoreexcitingandtocreatethatstartofa connectionisafunactivitytosimplyrelaxandenjoyeachotherscompany.Trynottodiscuss anythingseriousontheseactivitydatessavethatforadifferentnight. Itisalsohelpfultogoonafulldaydateatleastonceduringyourcourtship,toknow whatitisliketospend10hourstogether.Itshouldhopefullygiveyouafairlyclearpictureas towhethertherelationshiphaspotentialornottothrive.
13

It is important to be aware of other peoples sensitivities and worthwhile to ask if they feel comfortable doing certain activities on dates. For example, some women do not enjoy the ambiance of an arcade or pool hall or may find bowling or hiking inappropriate for a date.

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(4:8)SinglesEventsthepositivesandnegatives PartoftheshiftthathasoccurredinthemorereligiousModernOrthodoxdating circlesisareturntoawideracceptanceofsocialeventsasanappropriatemeanstomeet prospectivedates.Aboutthirtyyearsagoeventsweretheonlywaytomeetpeople,anditwas populartogoouttogetheringroups.Today,asmoreorthodoxsingleschoosetodate exclusivelythroughanintermediary,whetheritisafriend,shadchan,ormatchmaker,many havealsoshunnedtheoptionofbroadersinglesevents.However,inthepastfiveyearsorso ithasbecomemoreacceptedforthesesamesinglesthatotherwisewouldonlydatethrougha shadchantoalsoattendsinglesevents. Whatfirstneedstobeclarifiedisthattherearemanydifferenttypesofsinglesevents andtheyshouldnotallbegroupedtogether.ForthepurposesofthisdiscussionIwould categorizethreedifferenttypesofsinglesevent: Thefirsttypeofeventcanoftenbeawkward,especiallyifthereareadisparaterangeof attendeeswithrespecttoageandbackground.Typically,therearenoshadchanim/ matchmakerspresenttospeaktoorfollowupwithafterwards.Therefore,forthoseofyou whodonotfeelcomfortableinnewsettingsorwithrandomlyapproachingpeopleandstriking upaconversation,thismaynotbeahelpfulwayforyoutomeetnewpeople.Ifyoucan handlenewcrowdsandenjoyshiurim,thenyoumayconsiderattending,butmakesuretogo withatleastonefriend.Theadvantageofthesetypesofeventsisthatevenifthecrowdisnot yourspeedandtherefreshmentsarenotappetizing,youstillhopefullyhadtheopportunityto hearanenjoyableshiur. Thesecondcategoryofasingleseventisasinglesweekend,usuallyatanicehotel withplentyofscrumptiousfood.Theseeventscanbecostly,butthenagainsoisdinnerand bowlinginthecity.Theadvantageoftheseeventsisthattheyaretypicallyorganizedand
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Shiur/Lecture Weekendatahotelwithalargenumberofattendees Smallerandmoreselectivegroupofattendees

havemanyopportunitiestomeetnewpeople,whetheratmeals,atorganizedactivities, hangingoutinthelobby,orinteractingwiththestaffandshadchanimwhoarethere throughouttheweekendtofacilitate.Itisimportanttospendsometimewiththeevents shadchanim,astheycanbehelpfultoyouaftertheweekendwitheitherfollowuporfuture suggestions. Thedownsideofsomelargerweekendsisthatthesheernumbersofattendeescanbe overwhelmingforsomeanditbecomeshardtomaintainfocus.Oftenexternalitiesbecome themaincriteriabeforespeakingtosomeoneandyoudonotgetenoughqualitytimeto actuallymeetmanypeoplethatareinyourrangeofprospectivedates.Someoftheseevents offerspeeddating,whichmaynotallowformorethan23minutestointroduceyourselfto anotherperson,anddoesnotfacilitategettingtoknowpeopleotherthaninansuperficial fashion.Ontheotherhand,manydatesandmarriageshavecometofruitionafterthese weekendsandmanysinglesstillprefertheselargescaleevents. Thethirdtypeofeventisthesmallest.Ittargetsaspecificagerange(withinfiveyears) andhashkafainordertofocusthegroupofattendeesandtogiveeachpersonagood opportunitytomeetsimilarlikemindedpeople.Theeventcaneitherbeactivitybasedor moreconversationbased,withthegoalthateachattendeemeetsalloftheparticipantsthere. Ideally,Iwouldsuggestthattheorganizersinvite1620menandthesamenumberofwomen. IneventsthatIhaveorganizedinthepasteveryonebreaksupintogroupsofeightatarranged tablesspreadoutinahomeorbackyard.Wehavetworoundsordiscussionsbasedon questionsleftoneachtableorasmallactivity,thenwebreakforamealandmorerelaxed minglingtimeandresumewithanothertworounds.Bytheendoftheeventeverypersonhas theopportunitytointeractwitheveryothermemberoftheoppositegenderthere,foratleast 1525minutes,andhashadanopportunitytospendextratimegettingtoknowpeopleduring thebreakandafterthefinalround.Wehaveshadchanimtheretomeetpeopleandtofollow upwitheverypersonattheeventtofindoutiftheywereinterestedinanyonethatattended. Whenparticipantsleavetheyareeachhandedasheetwiththenamesofeachparticipant, wheretheywerefrom,wheretheylivepresently,andwhattheydoprofessionally,toassist
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theminrememberingwhowaspresentandwhotheymetattheevent.Theadvantagesof theseeventsarethequalitytimespentwitheachpersonthereandthefactthateach individualfeelscomfortableinthesmallersetting,knowingthatalmosteveryonethereisat leastsomewhatshayach(orappropriate)forthem.Thedisadvantageisthatthereareonlya limitednumberofpeopleattheevent. WhatageshouldIbegintoattendsinglesevents?Thisisabittrickytoanswer,butit issafetosaythatitdepends.Ifyouplannedonmeetingpeoplesolelythroughdatingoneon one,Iwouldsuggestthatyouwaituntilyouhavedatedtwotothreeyearsbeforetryinga differentmethod.Ifyoualwaysplannedonmeetingyourmatethroughsocialeventsthengo rightaheadfromthestart. CanIattendaneventifIampresentlydatingsomeone?Iwouldadviseagainst attendingasingleseventifyouareseeingsomeoneformorethanthreetimes.Nowthismay getcomplicatedifyouneedtoreserveinadvanceforasinglesweekend,butasaruleof thumb,ifyouaredatingsomeone,therelationshipshouldbeexclusive,andgoingtoasingles eventnegatesthis,asyouwillbespeakingtomanyotherpeopleandthismayobviously distractyoufromfocusingonthepersonyouarepresentlydating.Ifthiseventisaoncea yearopportunityandyoudonotwanttomissit,youmaywanttobeopenwiththeperson youarepresentlydatingandexplainthesituation.Afterall,heorshemaybecontemplating thesameexactissue,anditwouldnotbethefirsttimethatacouplethatstartedtodateboth attendedthesamesinglesweekendoreventseparately. (4:9)TheAgeOldQuestion Towhatextentshouldagebeafactorinyourchoiceofadate?Iwouldsaybroadlythat

withinarangeofabout03yearsofyourageitshouldnotbeafactor.Inotherwords,ifyou are25,regardlessofyourgender,itshouldbeperfectlyfinetodateanyonefrom22yearsold to28yearsold.Thechoicetodatesomeonebetween37yearsdifferenceismoreofa personaldecisionandmaydependonmanyfactors.Beyondan8yeardifferenceIwould adviseagainst,asageneralrule,butthereisalwaysroomforexceptions.Theolderyouare

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thelessimportanttheissueofageshouldbeforeachofyouandcompatibilityshouldbeyour mainfocus. Ihaveahardtimeunderstandingwhysomemenfeelthattheycanonlydatewomen

youngerthanthem.IcouldnotbelieveitwhenIsuggestedayoungwomantoaparticular youngmanandherejecteditbasedonage,fullyknowingthathewasonemontholderthan her!Mycommentsabouthowdatingisaholyenterpriseapplyhereaswell.Youshouldbe lookingforsomeonewithsimilaridealsandlifegoalsasyourself,andapartnertofacelifes challengesandjoystogether.Afewmonthsoryearsshouldnotbethatcriticalofafactorin thissearch.Onemorenote,Ihaveheardthatsomeoldermenrefusetodatewomenaftera certainageoutoffearthattheymaynotbeblessedwithchildren,andtheyclaimthatitis theirHalachicimperativetodoso.WhileIamwellawareoftheHalachicimplications,Istilldo notthinkthatsuchanextremepositionisnecessary.ObviouslyacompetentHalachic authorityshouldbeconsulted,butperhapsitwouldsuitthemwelltobealittlemoreopenin theirsearchandtherebyultimatelyincreasetheirchancesofmarryinginthenearfuture.

(4:10)WhydontyoubecomeaShadchan/Matchmaker? Nowthatyouhavesurvivedthedatingprocessandhavefoundthatspecialperson youshouldseriouslyconsiderthinkingabouthowyoucanhelpyourfriendsintheirendeavor tofindtheirspouse.Nowyoumaybethinkingtoyourself,Me?Icantdothat?Well,you reallycan,andletmetellyouhow. Thefirststepintheprocessofbecominganeffectiveshadchanistoworkclosely togetherwithyourspouseinthisendeavor.Thisisawonderfulactivityforanewcouple becauseitcreatesanopportunitytouniteandworktogetheronaprojectthattrulyneeds bothofyourinput.Thebestwaytogoaboutitistositdownwithapenandpaper(orindex cardsoranexcelsheetdocument)andwritedownallofyourfriends,bothmaleandfemale. Next,begintothinkifanyofyourfriendsarepossiblematcheschancesarethatsomeof themshouldbeinthesamerangeifyouandyourhusbandcomefromsimilarbackgrounds.If youhaveafriendthatyoudontknowsowell,orevenaclosefriendthatyouhavenotcaught
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upwithinawhile,givehimorheracalltofillinthegapsabouteithertheirpasteducationor whattheyarepresentlydoing.Thebesttoolistousethe4+4modelthatIpreviously mentionedtogetinformationaboutfourqualitiesthatmakethemuniqueandfourqualities thattheyarelookingforinaprospectivespouse.Dontbeshy,maketheeffortandyouwill seethefruitofyourlabor.Also,youneedtobepersistent.Sometimesyoullthinkofanidea andoneofthepartieswillbebusy.Writeitdownandcallthembackinafewweeks.Once,I hadanideaforaspecificcoupleandIhadrepeatedlyapproachedthemforoverayearuntil theyfinallybecameavailable.Theylistenedtomysuggestionanditworkedrightaway beautifully. Afterexperiencingwhatitfeelsliketobuildarelationshipandmakeacommitmentto anotherperson,youhaveaknowledgebasetohelpguideyourfriendsthroughthatsimilar process.Inactuality,you,morethanaprofessionalshadchanormatchmaker,arecloserin agetothesinglesandcanperhapsbetterunderstandtheirsituation.Additionally,oneofthe advantagesofbeingthesameageasthepeopleyouaretryingtomatchupisthatyouknow manyofthepeopleyoureworkingwithpersonallyandhaveabettersenseofwhotheyare thanamatchmakerwhohasonlyinterviewedthemforanhourorso.Forthoseofyouwho mayhavehadlessexperiencedatingorarenewlymarried,Iwouldsuggestthatyouconsult withandlinkyourselfuptoanothercouplewhomaybemoreexperiencedinmaking suggestionsandguidingcouplesthroughthedatingprocessasmentorsasyoubeginthis holyandmostimportantrole. Conclusion: Idliketoendbyofferingtwowordsofchizuk.First,alittlewhilebacksomeonetoldme

howweareconstantlycreatingoursoulmateandthatyourzivugiscreateddaily.Forsome reason,whilethisthoughtmadesensetomeintellectually,Ihadahardtimebelievingittobe truebasedonthesources(TalmudBavliSotah2a)abouttheheavenlyproclamation40days beforeachildisformed, thedaughterofsoandsotothesonofsoandso. But,Inoticedmorerecently,thatifyoucontinuereadingthatsamepassageyoualsofind

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anotherstatement"," apersonismatchedwithhis/her matebasedupontheirdeeds,whichclearlyexpressestheoppositeperspectiveandfocuses ononesdeedsafterbirth.Additionally,boththeRambamandMeiriexplainthatazivugis destinedtoyoubaseduponyourdeedsaseitherrewardorpunishment.Thatbeingthecase, itwouldfollowthatonesmateiscontinuouslychangingaswechangeourselvesandwecan positivelyaffectwhothatspecialpersonwillultimatelybe.Thebetterpersonwebecome,the greaterourzivugwillbeaswell! Secondly,IfoundaTalmudicsourcethathintstotheideathatintheareaofshidduchim thingscanturnaroundwithablinkofaneyelash.Thegemarah(TalmudBavliSanhedrin95a) statesthatthreeindividualsmeritedtohavethelandmoveinordertohastentheirtraveling time, : : , , anditisvery strikingtonotethattwooutofthreeoftheseexamples,thatofEliezerandYaacovarerelated toshidduchim!Therefore,Ithinkitissafetoassumethatinthisareathereaspecial opportunitytoskiptimeandevenifonefindshimselforherselfinarutorstintwithout positivedatingexperiences,wecanbeconfidentthatHashemiscapableofturningthings aroundandprovidinghimorherwiththeproperzivugwithmuchalacrity.Weallknowof storiesofindividualswhowerefeelinghopelessanddesperate,andsuddenlywithinavery shortperiodoftimetheybecamehappilyengaged. Ihopethatthesesourcesareaninspirationforallindividualsinvolvedinthedating processandthatweshouldalwaysbeconfidentandmaintainourfaithinthefactthat Hashemhasselectedsomeoneforusandthatwecandosomethingaboutitbyimproving ourselvesandbeingthebestpersonwecanbe.Mayallthosesearchingfortheirzivugfindit withmuch andmayweallmerittobuildhomesfilledwithmuchlove,admiration, andgracedwiththe.
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Appendix:
FriendshipMapOpenEndedQuestions Whatareyourfavoritehobbies? Wherewereyouborn? Whoisyourfavoriterelative? Whatisyourfavoriteflavoricecream? Whowasyourfavoritegradeschoolteacher? Whowasyourclosestfriendgrowingup? Doyouhaveafavoritecolor? Howoldwereyouwhenyoubeganusingemail? Whatwasyourfirstemailaddress? Whatisyourfavoriterestaurant? Whatwasyourfavoritefamilyvacationgrowingup? Whatwouldbeyourpreferredvacationspotnow? Whatisyourfavoritemovie? Whatisyourfavoritesefer? Whatwasyourbar/batmitzvahparsha? Whattypeofshuldoyouprefertodavenin? Didyoueverhaveapet? Whatisyourfavoritesong? Doyouprefertolistentomusicorashiurwhenyoudrive? Whatisyouridealjob? Whatwouldyoudoifyouwonthelottery? WhatisyourfavoriteYomTov? WhatwasyourfamilysShabbostablelikegrowingup? HowdoyouenvisionyourfutureShabbostable? Howdoesyourfamilycelebratebirthdays? Whatwasyourmostembarrassingmoment? Wheredoyouturntoforemotionalsupport? Whathaveyoustartedbutneverfinished? Whattypesoftzeddakahorchesseddoyouenvisionyourselfgettinginvolvedin? Wasyourparentshouselivelyorcalmgrowingup? Whatisthemoststressfulpartofyourday? Whatisthemoststressfulpartofyourjob? Whatisyourworstnightmare? Whatwouldthebestpresentanyonecouldgiveyou? Howwouldyouliketochangeyourlifeinthenextthreeyears? Doyouhaveasecretambition?
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