lyredragon

the worm in the teaser, without anything to tie it to the story, that reminds me of Blade of the Immortal. I don't know how ithe teaser is going to fit into the story. if it shows up much later, you are probably going to have to leave it out. You just use a lot of pronouns, and so I have no idea how this scene fits with the characters in the story. I would put the flashback at the first chapter. that way you can introduce the character and a bit of the reason why she is coming to the tower. Then, maybe her going through the city on her way to it, and finally, arriving in the tower itself. That way you can deal with the charcter's angst about having to return to the place. I know that sort of puts your progression on edge, but abrupt flashbacks are a very clumsy way to inform the reader. Also, I would work on tenses. You jump back and forth between present and past tense. You might be able to suspend disbelief for a longer amount of time if you stick to past tense. Otherwise, good and interesting concept even this earlty in its development^.^

battlevampiress

Finally I managed to make another update. I am still not done with the flashback sequence. I definitely need more time. As always.

battlevampiress

And another update - as always grab the PDF to see my comments. At the moment story progress is a bit slow, due to work chomping away at my time to write.

battlevampiress

One more updated: Edited the already existing content (my, I can't believe what "****" I sometimes write! Why don't you say something ;) And I messed around a bit with the settings for (hopefully) imprived readability at the screen.

battlevampiress

updated again. Introducing Illyana and Laurelle, the duo of the Forbidden Academy, where Firestar comes from. Taking a look at the (partially pretty perverted) working of the Forbidden Academy.

battlevampiress

there is yet another update - I hope a very enjoyable one. The whole thing is, however, not going to turn into a thing of sexual desires, although it might look like this at the moment. We shall soon learn, why Firestar travelled to Pharos.

battlevampiress

and another update - the Forbidden Academy - actually the first step to one of the many flashbacks this story is going to need. Actually I was planning to tell why Firestar is .... here, but it seems I'll need some more time. At least by now we know, what the Forbidden Academy looks like. Did I ever mention, that I love cliche?

battlevampiress

Some formatting changes, and expanded action. As always you can download the document as PDF to see my commentary.

battlevampiress

New version uploaded just now, as always download the document as PDF to get the original PDF with annotations. :) Comments are highly welcome. Updates: Expanded the description of the Spiral Tower and Pharos (though that information will probably have to move into the story itself - it is just sooo much that's going on in my mind!) and I am now preparing for the action to continue.