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Miscarriage: Saying Hello before Saying Goodbye
Disappointment didn’t begin to explain my feelings. This was the second miscarriagein six months. Having one child already, in my heart I wanted so much for him tohave a sibling. I was grateful to my doctor for understanding my devastation andfor my husband’s attempt of support but there were very few others whounderstood the depth of feelings I was experiencing. This happened in the earlyseventies.During the 1980’s I became involved in the beginnings of the hospice movement. Inmy training and practicum I learned much about grief mostly unknown to thegeneral public. The most important lesson I learned was to help grieving familiespersonalize their celebration of their loved one. After five years at hospice, Iwent to work as a bereavement director at a nearby funeral home. I received aneducation unlike any other. The funeral director highly encouraged directparticipation in the funeral ritual to promote physical and emotional healing.One young couple whose first child was miscarried came to us for help. Weencouraged them to name their baby and tell us all the wonderful things thathappened to them when they found out they were pregnant. Mommy and Daddyshared many special memories with us. In the midst of their sorrow, they smiledthrough their tears sharing the hopes and dreams they had in the first few weeksof the pregnancy. How disappointed they were when their dreams ended inmiscarriage. We helped them make arrangements for a simple memorial service.Their little one was tiny, only about eight inches long weighing less than two pounds.I found a tiny doll outfit that the baby could wear. We arranged a viewing in a smallintimate room in the funeral home as if it were a friendly bedroom. I placed anafghan on a rocking chair next to the tiny casket, an angel night light, a few stuffedanimals and a child’s board book. The appointed time came for the parents to seetheir little one--to first say hello and then goodbye.Mom and Dad were visibly moved the moment they walked in the door. There weretears but also smiles. We left them alone with a few encouraging words. Aftersome time, they indicated they were ready for the next step. Their parents andloved ones drifted in a few at a time to lend their support. The healing had begun.People, who have had bad experiences with death or no experience at all grievingover the death of someone they love, often think something like this scenariosounds macabre but those who have know that something special just took place andthey now have some beautiful memories of their child.
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