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TAGLINE WOULD ACTUALLY BE NICE HERE

TUESDAY, February 3, 2009 CHICAGO EDITION VOL 1 No 2 Printed with Explicit permission From Each Content Provider

Andy Barron | tpburl.com/gt69h8

Politics PHOTOS

I’m Totally Rooting for Blago We LOVE pictures! If you’ve snapped something really cool, send it our way right away.
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By Greg Boose | 1/27/09 | The Nervous Breakdown tpburl.com/5k93cs
Editor’s Note: The below was written just before Governor Blagojevich was impeached on Thursday.
But it was too good not to leave in.
I hate to admit it: At this point I’m totally rooting for Rod Blagojevich. I want him to beat
all charges. I want him to somehow stay in office until his term is up, and then I want him to
get reelected by a questionable 225 votes in 2010. And then I want him to put on a too-small
red Karate gi, jump aboard the shimmering two-horned unicorn he’s got tied out back, and I
want him to hunt down the Illinois Attorney General in an endless field of wheat so that we can
continue this wacky palm-to-forehead story of American politics at its worst.
Perhaps I’m just bored, or perhaps it’s because my name is still on the waiting list for a con-
verter box coupon for my perfectly fine 1996 television and I’m about to lose “free” television,
but I think this Rod Blagojevich scandal has been a really fun ride to be on. Yes, it was shameful
and embarrassing in the beginning, but now it’s like a Mike Tyson-meets-Tom Sizemore train-
wreck that gets better and uglier every week. Before my television goes to snow, I’d like to get in
as much of this as possible.
This week the governor is going on a media blitz to remind everyone that he’s innocent un-
til proven guilty, and that he’s kind of like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi.
All rolled into one.
I’m not exactly proud of myself for cheering for someone up for impeachment, especially
when it looks like he deserves it. I’m not proud of my hand wringing, smirks or laughter when
I see that his official title remains under him on the news. The entertainment value alone is
my guilty pleasure, but it could be that I’m also rooting for him because of the sheer size of his
cajones that he’s showing through all this, and because he’s my neighbor and I enjoy watching
Andy Barron | tpburl.com/gt69h8 | Switchfoot live
him run awkwardly and freely down our street.
And I know that rooting for Blago is like rooting for Gargamel to find Smurf Village. Or like
Black Americans Should Leverage Obama
hoping that your 10-year-old son discovers a cache of methamphetamine surrounded by Bic
lighters and bottle rockets. I’m not proud of my Blago fandom; I’m a prisoner of it. By Greg Thrasher | 1/28/09 | The John Langston Forum tpburl.com/5nz9wk
There’s just something about rooting for the underdog, right? Even if that underdog is my I am past the emotion and celebration of the end of white privilege and white supremacy
corrupt governor with an ego the size of the national deficit. in the White House. I contributed to the breaking of the color line and I expect to leverage and
take advantage of my efforts and my work over decades in seeking to make our country live
Vapid, thy name is “Sarah” up to its ideals. Yet I have encountered a number of people with the opinion that black people
should not seek to press our new president based upon his hue and cultural footprints.
By Kos | 1/28/09 | Daily Kos tpburl.com/dr8sn1
Now, from my vantage point such a posture and position is foolish, silly and counterpro-
Sarah Palin is hilarious. From her new PAC website:
ductive on many levels. It makes no sense not to capitalize on a product I helped polish for
mass consumption. Black America poured cultural capital into Prez Obama because part of his
Dedicated to building America’s future, supporting fresh ideas and candidates who share our vision for
being is the creation of black America. We were not only his cultural mentors but his landscape
reform and innovation.
and soil. Black Americans were his practice dummies on the field of America’s racial games.
Those who clamor to the obsolete mantra of a color blind America are living in an obsolete
So what are those fresh ideas? Well, there’s a “Donate Today!” button, and a “About Sarah”
world and there is nothing progressive about ignoring the obvious and raw truth of reality and
button, and a place to sign up for emails. Are those ideas? Because really, that’s all the site has.
the fact of race in our society. From my platform, to be truly progressive is to acknowledge the
Yup, about as vapid as Sarah herself.
existence of one’s race and then not be a bigot. Obama is a person of color. He is a nonwhite
Advertising president and as such he has a relationship with nonwhites, whether he likes it or not. I have
no respect for those who seek to dismiss and deflect and ignore the obvious about race and
its role in our nation and now in the White House. I have no reservations nor will I have any
regrets when people accuse me of playing the ‘race card” with Obama.
Black Americans who have endured centuries of race-based contempt and now expect us
to ignore it, when we have suffered and died for this moment, are an insult and an affront to
universal truth. It is a human condition to seek a bond and relationship with others who shares
your experience. I offer no apology nor will I moderate or remain passive in seeking to leverage
Obama in the White House.
Black Americans should ignore and dismiss those who claim we are seeking revenge, pay-
back, reparations and special treatment as we seek to leverage our Black agenda in an Obama-era
White House. I offer no apology at all in my quest to leverage Obama in the White House; it is
what Americans have done for 43 administrations prior to an Obama White House.
I can now stop singing negro gospel spirituals in my shower and start practicing my hand-
shake for my White House meeting-to-come with President Obama.

Views expressed in Content do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher or the printed blog inc.
Letter from the publisher Humor

To Our Readers: Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday

Thank you for picking up The Printed Blog! You are the inaugural community for the news- By Bill in Portland Maine | 1/28/09 | Daily Kos tpburl.com/db2jpw
paper for the next 100 years. You may not realize it, but you are actually helping to shape
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Over the last two weeks, we have been featured in some of the largest publications in the
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and dozens and dozens of others, not to mention the thousands of blogs who have written
about us. Thank you!
First, we want to know what you thought of the first issue. We plan to listen to your feed-
back and make improvements.
John Boehner is a jerk.
There are far too few CEOs jumping out of windows on Wall Street.
Next time he makes the trek to Congress, President Obama should intimidate Re-
publicans by ripping off his shirt and cracking walnuts between his pecs like Grover
Cleveland did.

Second, we want your content!
The blogs who have contacted us are amazing... and we will continue to look for others.
Let us know who you like, and tell your favorite blogger that you want to read them in the
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If Hollywood ever makes a movie about The Three Stooges, Rod Blagojevich should
play Moe.

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...and Joe the Plumber should play Curly. But he’d have to tone it down to be believ-
able.
If I were in charge of the economic stimulus package, I’d write a million-dollar check
to every American over the age of 18. No, wait, I mean a five-million dollar check to
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If Chesley Sullenberger ever lands an Airbus in a McDonald’s drive-thru he shouldn’t
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PHOTOS
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PHOTOS

Coley Brown | tpburl.com/d3w40h | In Waterfall, 2007

Super Valentine’s Bowl

Laurel Dailey | tpburl.com/gnx3m0
Founded 2009
Joshua Karp, Founder and Publisher
Editorial
Claire Bidwell Smith, Senior Editor
Koray Girton, Layout Editor
Laurel Dailey, Guest Photography Editor
Mark Cope, Guest Music Editor
Whitney Faile, Photography & Music Editor
Blogs
Jamie Villarreal, Blog Relations Manager
By Liddy Wilson | 1/29/09 | Mary Ellen Moffit tpburl.com/bdy6oc
As I’ve mentioned previously I am married. Pause. Breath. Silently thank a God I don’t
believe in. But Valentine’s Day keeps on keeping on just the same. So, at least Valentine’s Day is
one thing in my life I shouldn’t (but still do, a little) take personally. I’ve been in relationships
on Valentine’s Day and I’ve been alone on Valentine’s Day, and believe me, unconscious is bet-
ter.
Men let you down. Women want too much. Here’s what the letter downers and the big ex-
pectors get: tiny tables in loud, dark restaurants, watch checking, reprehensible prix fixes copied
on to red paper, execrable service and food, no jewelry, big fat tears in loud, dark restaurants,
recriminations on the sidewalk, stupid, fucking heels!, warm Milbrook sparkling wine, fraught
sex. It’s too much, it’s not enough. It’s coming soon.
But the Super Bowl is coming even sooner! I don’t know who’s playing and I don’t give a
fuck. If it isn’t a New York team I don’t care. But, I’ll have a good time anyway. I do not take the
Super Bowl personally. Although maybe men do. Aha! On Super Bowl Sunday men are the great
expectors and we’re the, well we’re there. Or at least we’re around. The 7 layer dip, most likely.
I cared last year because the Giants won only the greatest Super Bowl game ever - but I didn’t
take the victory personally. So maybe I flipped over the back of the couch, with my skirt over
my head but that was the tall boys talking, not football. Maybe Tommy should Tivo this year’s
Staff
Chad Koskie, Writer Super Bowl and we’ll watch it with some dip and some suds and call it a Valentine’s Day.
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Entertainment

R.I.P. John Updike

By Alan Stewart Carl | 1/24/09 | Donklephant tpburl.com/y9m4q6
The great writer John Updike has died at the age of
76. I say writer, because Updike was more than a novel-
ist. He was a storyteller, an essayist, a man of letters
in a way that is rare in our current age. With Updike’s
passing we have one less literary great who was widely PHOTOS
known by the public. We have precious few of those.
Without the intention to belittle such writers as
Stephen King, Stephanie Meyer, Patricia Cornwell or
other bestselling authors, Updike was a rarity in that he
became famous writing not just popular fiction but diffi-
cult, literary fiction. He presented us works meant to do
more than provide an enjoyable diversion. He wanted
his readers to think about our life and our world, to
consider the implications of our choices and the mean-
ings behind our relationships. He wasn’t always great,
but he always tried to do more than simply write an
entertaining story.
Laurel Dailey | tpburl.com/gnx3m0 | Oliver Laurel Dailey | tpburl.com/gnx3m0 | Kathleen
Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing distasteful
about entertaining stories. I am egalitarian in my views
of fiction — the more, the merrier. I’d rather see my
Long-lost classic Chicago
kids reading comic books than reading nothing at all.
But I have great affection for literature and what it adds to our culture. Like all the arts, the best bands: Chia Pet!
literature can change minds and hearts. Updike undoubtedly changed a few. By Jim Kopeny | 12/18/08 | Tankboy tpburl.com/391xbd
He will be missed. I can only hope his passing does not portend the end to an age when Chia Pet’s first album -- Elpee -- previously available ONLY
literary writers can become, if not household names, then widely known and appreciated. Many on vinyl and long out-of-print, is finally out as a digital down-
other writers deserve the recognition Updike enjoyed. load! It was the very first release on Johann’s Face Records and
I remember excitedly buying it at one of their infamous shows
A Dear John Letter to Twilight at The Gallery down in Normal, IL. They were sort of the de
By Sarah Yokubaitis | 1/28/09 | Not Your Typical Southern Belle tpburl.com/v71wj6 facto insane house band that wowed recent grads and current
students and cool kids in Palatine in the late ‘80s. They jumbled
Dear Twilight- punk, funk, soul, and gutterpunch opera-rock into an undeni-
able danceparty mush machine that prompted many a nubile
It’s over. We tried, but it just didn’t work. I know what we had was brief, that I picked you up on
young thang to partially or fully disrobe mid-show. (See: the
a whim looking for some quick fun. I admit — my intentions were not honest. But I heard good
rumors about you and I wanted to be one of the vampire hungry girls too, swooning over Edward Naked Parties of ‘89.)
Cullen and waxing philosophical about his bloodsucking hotness. I wanted to spend a weekend I actually bought a couple extra vinyl copies of Elpee a few years ago because my original
laying in bed all day with you, wrapped up in your dark and rainy world.
copy had grown a bit warped from overplay, but I haven’t really brought them into DJ sets in
But in the end, 207 pages later, we were just too different. A facts-driven aspiring journalist isn’t the last few years since I moved from vinyl to CDs and finally iPods. So I immediately plunked
going to fall for a tale where vampires glitter in the sun. We wanted different things, you and I. I’m down the seven bucks for the digital download and you can bet your ass these tunes will start
a non-fiction kind of girl — biographies, history, memoirs, current events. Like blonde haired men, regularly popping up in my DJ sets for the foreseeable future. It’s time to spread the word!
fiction is not my thing. And you wanted me to let go of logic and slip into a world where vampires
look like models and drive expensive cars and seduce teenage girls. Your 544 pages of –albeit SIDE NOTE: A number of classic Johann’s Face Records bands are reuniting next April for
light — reading was just asking too much, especially considering the Harvey Milk biography, Pho- the label’s 225th (!) anniversary. Might I start a grassroots effort demanding the reunion of the
toshop manuel, Web 2.0 book and the Cooking Light cookbook that I left for you. first band to even put out a record on the label? Viva la Chia Pet!
Maybe we’ll try it again someday. Or maybe I’ll sell you on Half.com. But either way, I think it’s PHOTOS
time for you to move on.

Don’t feel bad. That Harry Potter guy and I didn’t work out either.

The girl from the past few awkward nights

Disclaimer: Just so you know I am not a complete pretentious snob, I wrote this while watching The
Real Housewives of Orange County. So don’t hate.
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Music

Andy Barron | tpburl.com/gt69h8 | Promo shot used in fiction family artwork

PHOTOS

Andy Barron | tpburl.com/gt69h8 | Promo shot for new band called WPA featuring members of Nickel Creek, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, and Elvis Costello and the
Impressions

Views expressed in Content do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher or the printed blog inc. 3
 Perspective PHOTOS

Maybe SHE’S Just Not That Into

You - 7 Counter Rules for Men
By Megan Leah Power | 1/27/09 | The Nervous Breakdown tpburl.com/m2816g
A megastar movie based on a New York Times best-selling book based on a Sex & The City
episode drops February 6th. Fashioning an acerbic advice book into a screenplay is a feat only
writers like Charlie Kaufman can safely ignore.
He’s Just Not That Into You was published in 2004 and struck a significant chord. It seems
only fair if not mildly treasonous to return the favor to men.
My baseline position is that men usually know when a woman is just not that into them
(unlike women, who are masters of self-delusion, false optimism and denial). You men, you
don’t care. You get off on a certain level of pursuit. Experience has taught you the power of
persistence. Sun Tzu’s Art of War, etc.
Fine.
But for those men who are tired of treading water, sick of being a chump and especially for
those poor souls who have clearly lost their way, let the following be your guide.
1. She’s Just Not That Into You if she doesn’t offer to pay for shit.
Women will keep men in their lives they have no feelings for simply because these men
whip out their wallets on cue. Practical necessity? OK sometimes. Learn to spot the far more
common garden variety greediness. It’s not something we’re wracked with guilt over either
(hello, we still make seventy five cents to your dollar for the exact same job. If you want to try
to make that up to us, we sure as hell will let you). Unless we’re really into you. A girl who’s into
you will at minimum offer to pay. It’s the gesture of offering that tells a man how a woman feels
and, additionally, if she’s up to the task of true partnership. Even a woman earning diddly squat Michele Waagaard | tpburl.com/0xkz47 | bedroom reflects the soul
will pick up the tab for cheap things like coffee or breakfast. And she’ll give you stuff: books,
Advertising
burned CDs, baby cactuses, bus passes. Tokens of her affection. If your girl don’t pay for shit and
don’t give you tiny little presents, she is using you for your money. Photobooth Rentals & Sales
Let’s say, for argument’s sake, you bank. You don’t even mind paying for every single bar Capture the true spirit of your special event. Choose from our Classic Model 14 or the
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hot, and she’s in school getting her degree and can’t afford those sexy Nine West stiletto boots…
Dude, you are being used. If you’re ok with that, you have self-esteem issues. You need
counseling. A month surfing in Costa Rica. Something. How can you not know how many
badass women are out there? Women who have their shit together financially and everything-
else-ily?
Getting used for money is so 1998. Grow a fucking pair. You can rent someone’s heart or
you can experience the bliss of love. Do either with open eyes.
2. She’s Just Not That Into You if she claims she’s “not over” her ex.
Both genders use this tired excuse - it’s the easiest way to turn someone down. Soften the
blow. Even get some sympathy. Do not be fooled or moved! Do not try to help her through it!
Do not stick around! Be smart and disappear. The only appropriate response to a girl making
this claim is, “I sincerely wish you best of luck getting over so and so. I really hope you can
work though it and feel better. Give me a call next July.” And she might. But the point is, the
truth is, most people will suck it up and throw some duct tape over their busted heart if a new
person they consider attractive, smart and nice comes sniffing around. Plus the only surefire
way to get over an ex is to date someone else so it’s pretty counterintuitive to play the “oh it’s
too soon” card. Go ahead and call bullshit. TIP: a good vetting device? Date people close to your
level of singlehood. Single for seven months? Nice to meet you. Broke up last weekend? Excuse Forward
me gotta go.
3. She’s Just Not That Into You if you’re doing her. By Anonymous | 1/28/09 | Bastard Life tpburl.com/39rbvm
Hooking up leads to love as often as LinkedIn leads to a dream job. Why do we pretend it
can work? Because it’s a convenient belief. Because we’re horny. Women are dying to get off too
you know and sometimes biological urges override our emotional braking system. Still, we’re all
apprised of the odds. Chances are if she’s really into you, she’s terrified of messing things up be-
tween you two by adding horizontal gymnastics into the mix. She’s probably dying to get naked
but resisting the impulse with varying levels of success. Conventional wisdom holds that good
relationships sprout from causal friendships which progress at normal speed into romances.
Love rarely blooms after a night of hard drinking at Lucky Lounge. It’s also wise not to under-
estimate the effect of squawking norms from yesteryear which told women they were “sluts” if
they “put out” too soon. Many women still equate sex with leverage somehow. So if you and
your girl are having doggy style Thursdays it’s not love. It’s not even in the neighborhood of
love. It’s sport. Cool? Cool. Just don’t go around pretending you’re her boyfriend. You’re not.
Which isn’t to say you won’t ever be. C’est posible. People win the lottery every day. The odds
never change, but it does happen.
4. She’s Just Not Into You if she speaks flippantly about excretory or menstrual func-
tions. “First, I want to write that I miss my boyfriend (and I wrote him that BastardLife would be
These are topics of excrutiating shame in the romantic realm, at least initially. And at least publishing this letter after you folks got back to me so thanks). I miss him because out here no
initially a woman will usually avoiding pooping in a 5 mile radius of a guy she’s really into. one knows why we are here any more. I miss him because I sleep alone and wish he was holding
It’s not healthy or easy but it’s what we do. If a girl is reporting her bowel movements or flow me close on the nights—every night more and more—that I lay awake and stare into the black
density in an offhand manner/in graphic detail, you have been relegated to Friend status. Not space of my tent and wonder if I will ever see him again. I miss him because of all of the things
a good place to be. It could take years before she realizes you’re boyfriend material. Don’t you I wish I had said to him in person, smelling his breath and scents and feeling the gruff of his
think you deserve a woman who isn’t voluntarily blind? Who can plainly see how awesome you face against mine. And I miss him because no one here knows—that I miss him. No one can
are? Get this girl a Costco pack of Always with wings and tell her you can’t wait forever. know. Sometimes when I hurt other people out here on the war path I wonder if they are like
5. She’s Just Not That Into You if she takes her sweet ass time returning your calls. me, if they have had to keep a secret like mine—if they love someone like I do...as strongly as
If a woman never calls you, you cannot tell anything from this. Through various channels I do...that no one can know about. Thing is, I will fight for my country and I will fight for the
of public mockery women have been made aware of our tendency to call men too much. We freedom of these people here, and I will come home and continue to fight for my own rights to
sorta for the most part get it. You don’t like being stalked. Roger that, loud and clear. But not be a gay man and marry my ‘one’ as you say so often gloriously. In the meantime, I know what
returning your calls is something else entirely. If she doesn’t call, email or text you back within I have to do—and I will. I’ll man up, stay tough, and keep moving forward.” Anonymous, U.S.
a day or two, sorry she is just not that into you. Keep on moving. Marines, Iraq January 27th 2009
6. She’s Just Not That Into You if some guy is slapping her ass at the bar. PHOTOS
If she is openly giving other guys attention right in front of your face (see also: getting hit
on and loving it), she is an attention whore. Let her be one. Peacefully walk away. Far away. As
my friend Lisa*, avid collector of men she’s not really into puts it, “A girl who’s really into you
doesn’t create a space for that to happen.” If you two are at the bar and some guy’s patting her
butt while she giggles and meekly swats his paw away, you’re chopped liver. See the exit sign
over there? Follow it. Go to the next bar. Meet the kickass woman who’s waiting over there for
someone great like you.
7. She’s Just Not That Into You if you get the side hug.
How does she hug you? It’s important. It says a lot. The side hug, the one arm, or worse,
the Oprah hug (all body contact blocked, interlaced fingers of both hands serving as the greet-
ing) speak volumes. The hug of a girl who’s really into should include both arms. Some breast
contact. Pelvis touching or nearly touching. Slow to part. Hugging her should be warm and
slightly dizzying. It should feel good.
This concludes my post.
All the TNB ladies, all the TNB ladies
All the TNB ladies, all the TNB ladies
If you take umbrage with any of the above points, do feel free to explain or contribute your
own ideas.
Men, you are welcome.

Luis Mauricio | tpburl.com/kjt2s5 | Uptown Oakland OSA window

4 The Printed Blog

Depression Do’s and Don’ts Chirp Off

By Brooke Van Poppelen | 1/21/09 | NY is Retarded tpburl.com/1c20sx

With the current clime of the economy, the cold grey expanse of winter closing in around Prior to each issue, we post an intriguing question on our Twitter feed and then look for the
me, and a career that won’t crack open, I think it’s safe to say I am backsliding into some de- best answers. Post YOUR opinion today and you could be featured in our next issue!
pression. Ah, familiar, all too cyclical depression folks---it’s not just for Brian Wilson anymore. Check out today’s question at: twitter.com/theprintedblog.
Being no stranger to the blues given my unstable lifestyle, lack of control over income, and
one of those temperamental “creative” personalities, I have experienced varying degrees of “sad- We asked: If you could quit your job today and change ca-
ness, hopelessness, anxiety, withdrawal from social situations, lack of interest in sex, decreased reers, what would you do?
or increased appetite…” and so on and so forth from the laundry list of symptoms found in a @Wonderspot I actually DID quit my job, and I have no idea what I'm going to do!
Zoloft brochure. How do you deal with it? Do you seek out a professional? I say nay.
@HaylsK I’d quit being a student and become a photographer for National Geo-
Sometimes what you need most is a good kick in the pants, maybe have your chops busted
a little bit. Maybe you need to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth instead of from a melan- graphic!
choy little animated blob on your T.V. screen pretending to be sad. I don’t trust a skinny cook @jnomina Cheer and celebrate. I don’t think that is what you meant.
and I sure as hell wouldn’t take depression advice from someone who’s never lived in their bath- @mthomas2185 I would be a social anthropologist/author, who wrote historical fiction
robe for 3 months. So that’s why I am stepping up to the plate and offering advice to you the based on isolated societies in places like Mongolia.
reader from a field I am well versed in. These pointers have worked for me over the years and
@mrsjoshuaford own a bed and breakfast and help people enjoy their vacation somewhere
helped me through the lowest of lows and helped bring me back up to…well…what is normal
anyway? beautiful.
@dblandin I would work for a web development team out of San Francisco. I hear it’s
1. DON’T: Spend time with lively, attractive, industrious people who are turning their dreams into much warmer over there.
reality.
@wasitforthis I’m really lucky-even if I could change careers to anything at all I would
DO: Spend time with your 93-year old grandmother and challenge her to little feats of strength,
cognitive & verbal reasoning quizzes and eating contests. Trust me, you’re going to leave feeling like a still want to be exactly where I am at the moment.
champ and she appreciates the visit. @ColoRach If we’re talking being able to do anything, I’d be a Blue Angel pilot. Realis-
tically, I’d like to own my own business.
2. DON’T: Continue to account for yourself by paying rent, working and contributing to society. It’s hard
and you need a break! @Stealthnerd professional napper. if that doesn’t count, i’d take the cop-out brooding
DO: Move back in with your parents. Nothing says “adult” like your mom waking you up while you’re novelist job. but with less brooding, & more cake.
sleeping in the hot tub to ask why in god’s name you drank all of the wine in the house. @doniree be a judge on Iron Chef America, become a travel writer, or open a card/
coffee/flower shop/cafe thing
3. DON’T: Meet new people.
DO: Cling desperately to failed relationships, marriages and friendships and then drop in for surprise PHOTOS
visits. People love surprises! You can’t change the past but you can re-visit it over and over and over
again.

4. DON’T: Accept any employment that is beneath you. You are an artist, people need to recognize that
and they can find you if they need to. They WILL come to you.
DO: Continue old spending habits because it feels good. Going out for every meal and hobnobbing at
the bar every night is good for your soul. Your little brother works very hard and you can borrow money
from him.

5. DON’T: Get stressed about the 20 pounds you’ve gained. Sometimes little changes in our body
happen when life isn’t all peaches and cream and we decide to stop exercising and start lying around a
lot.
DO: Continue to force yourself into your old clothing, go out to the bar for White Russians and end the
night right with a combo platter at Taco Loco. It’s important to feel normal.

6. DON’T: Admit anything is wrong. Humility is weakness and you’ve got a reputation to uphold
dammit! You are self-important!
DO: Go about your regular schedule and interactions despite your instability, but be sure to periodically
excuse yourself to the bathroom to scream, cry, and punch yourself in the gut. Nobody wants to see
you cry. *** Be sure to carry eye makeup remover, astringent and mascara with you to re-apply after
you’ve had your head in the toilet to muffle the screams.

7. DON’T: Take advantage of free counseling or group therapy. You are better than that. Do you really
want to surround yourself with poor, stupid, crazy people?
DO: Wait to be hospitalized. It’s far more glamorous to be rolled out on a stretcher while wearing a
scandalously low cut slip screaming, “I can afford this!” Grayson Kemp | tpburl.com/cr0bdx | Untitled #3

8. DON’T: Stay put in one location for too long and allow a routine to develop.
DO: Bail out the moment something becomes hard or unfavorable. That’s no good. Abort, Abort, Abort!
Besides, moving is exciting and there will be a whole new group of people to eventually leave behind,
disillusioned and shaken.

9. DON’T: Accept invitations to relax with friends and family. They say they love you, but the minute you
have a drink and start to relax they’re going to start prying about your health, finances and sanity. They
will offer help. You don’t need anyone’s help.
DO: Spend all holidays and special occasions alone listening to Lou Reed’s “Perfect Day” or any
track off of “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.These tracks sound good year round. People admire your
independence.

10. DON’T: Make goals for yourself. They’re so constricting and people talk shit about you when you
don’t accomplish them.
DO: Wallow in this creative and financial lull. The only way out of depression is through it. Be prepared
to feel this way for a loooooooong time.

I hope these tips have helped you recognize how best to deal with unfortunate bouts of
depression. You just need to realize there’s NOTHING you can do about it and it’s not your
fault. Medication is for the weak and/or insured. So live your life how you like to and eventually
things will change. Or they won’t. So unplug the phone, grab the clicker and cozy up in your
favorite flannel onesie; you’ve got some down time ahead of you.

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Colin FitzGerald Photography | tpburl.com/bdnpzh | The Grass is Greener

Views expressed in Content do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher or the printed blog inc. 5
 Perspective The Bow Tie: Timeless Men’s Accessory, Or Endangered
PHOTOS Hipster Trend?
By Dino-Ray Ramos | 1/27/09 | Stylehive Blog tpburl.com/srdcw0
The ubiquitous bow tie has been a part of men’s fashion for years-- decades-- centuries,
even. From the classic tuxedo, to the retro ice cream shoppe soda jerk, to the trio of Disney
dandies known as the Jonas Brothers, the bow tie has been an “it” accessory for men. They
come in many varieties. There are those that you can tie yourself (courtesy of the Brooks
Brothers and Ralph Lauren), or the ones that you can clip on effortlessly (if Band of Outsiders
makes it in this variety, then it must be cool). Now as we walk into a new year (and a new
presidency-- go Obama!), has the bow tie overstayed its welcome as a casual item of sartorial
charm? Or should it go back to being a part of the template suits of prestigious Ivy League
professors? I haven’t worn a bow tie since my high school senior prom, and I have still hesitated
to buy one just because I think it will make my face look wider - but that doesn’t mean I
have discounted the item. I just need to find one that suits me if I choose to don the trendy
accessory. Whatever side of the bow tie fence you stand on, here are a couple of bow ties that
you can add to your neck accessory arsenal.

PHOTOS

Julianne Hide | tpburl.com/qcd4hf | Tattoo

Seventy two words tpburl.com/8fp9xg

One Hundred and Twenty One

Last night I dreamt that Natalie Portman asked for my phone number in a fancy restaurant in
Los Angeles in front of everyone. She called me the next day and we went to a Wu Tang concert.
And Ol’ Dirty Bastard wasn’t dead. I was ecstatic. The next morning Ms. Portman called me
again and told me she was pregnant. We got married by noon and I was filthy rich by dark.
By Glen Binger

One Hundred and Eighteen

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Zeus boomed as he thundered into the room.
Peter Stanglmayr | tpburl.com/fm9k3b
Hera held her lover tightly but not very tightly. She also held her husband’s seething stare as the
all hairs in the area stood due to ions pouring from Zeus’s gritted teeth and ears. Smear the...anti-queer?
By G-A-Y | 1/28/09 | Good As You tpburl.com/ywdj8t
“Not what,” she said, “but who.” She pinched her frightened mate’s left buttock, which con-
There’s absolutely no reason to combat anti-gay harassment in schools, because it’s actually
tains his fifty-first fluttering eye.
the LGBT kids who are doing all the bullying. Or at least that’s how it looks through the sand
in which anti-gay activist Brad Dacus has placed his head. Speaking about “No Name Calling
“Ow,” said Argus.
Week,” a pro-acceptance initiative that is currently being honored in schools nationwide, Dacus
By Simian Sam
says the following:

One Hundred and Six
If I could be an article of clothing, I’d be Warren Beatty’s V-neck sweater. I’d be blue and
shrinking and then he’d put me on. Smelling of cigarettes and 1967, I’d reach for his drink and
complement his eyes… my threads stretching as he parts his high-rise hair. After scratching at
his Oxford button-up beneath, I’d rub his back and kiss his chest, only to wake up used and on
the floor.
By BananaLegs
Eighty Nine
The PetSmart manager pointed at the beta fish, sitting lifelessly in his cup. “No, he isn’t lonely,”
she said, smiling. “I asked if it was humane to keep fish by themselves in a habitat the size of a
Whopper Junior. “I named my fish Titus, like the ancient emperor,” she said, dodging my ques-
tion. “He’s my little dictator. Sometimes he acts so mean. I put little Roman columns inside his
bowl.”
By BoboLink
One Hundred and Eight
i love you, he confesses.
she shushes him with the motion of reaching for her pack. silly. you’ve only fallen in love with
an idea of me. your human heart is as small as your fist and as big the curve of sky. give it. give
it give it give it until you have given everything.
this is how we must live, he says, wryly. in defiance of broken hearts and death.
By Ella Ordona
PHOTOS
“The alleged homosexual kids are not the only ones being bullied,” the attorney points out. “There’s
[sic] kids of faith being called ‘homophobic’ and ‘homophobe,’ and yet those words and that name-
calling is not under attack and is not being addressed by this alleged week of tolerance that’s being
pushed.”
Week of ‘tolerance’ intolerant of traditional values [ONN]
That is the experience you all had when you were LGBT teens, right? A peaceful school life
wherein you were free to live and learn in peace? Hallways where “we’re here, we’re queer, get
used to it” increased your popularity, but where maligning an effeminate boy immediately de-
cooled the school’s head football jock? A realm where the openly gay kids were student body
presidents and members of the homecoming royalty, yet where all kids of faith were forced to
eat lunch alone? Totally relatable, right?
No? In your school, being openly gay or even gay-friendly was far from a social positive?
In your school, the locker rooms were filled with more homophobia than Anita Bryant’s special
Southern Baptist Convention comeback concert? And you spent your high school days filled
with fear, knowing that if your peers learned the thoughts that were truly in your head, life as
you know it would become a pre-collegiate hell?
Oh. Guess Mr. Dacus needs to actually go back and experience school through the eyes of
its most vulnerable pupils, rather than continue on in his role as teacher of Revisionist History!
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6 The Printed Blog

 Chicago Sports

The Great Blizzard of ‘09! Misinformation

By Jim Kopeny | 1/13/09 | Tankboy
In Chicago if every single media outlet is awash
tpburl.com/5m6wf4
from Rick Telander
in stories about an incoming snow storm that is sure By Al | 1/26/09 | Bleed Cubbie Blue tpburl.com/25g4vb
to incapacitate the area you can be pretty sure that
there will be no snowfall of mythic community para- IT SEEMS CRAZY, but in 1981, the first year of the Tribune’s
ownership, the Cubs drew fewer than 10,000 people a game.
lyzing proportion. In fact, the next day’s news will
pretty much be filled with newspeople chattering Attendance last season was more than 40,000 a game, a hair less
about how we missed seventeen feet worth of snow than capacity.
by thiiiiiis much. If everything is maxed out, what do the Rickettses do to improve
Last evening’s news was filled with predictions things?
of white-outs and a snowbound Chicago, and what
was the result? I’ve had dandruff that put the eve- Did we mention the World Series?
ning’s accumulation to shame.
On top of it, I have no idea why anyone in While the conclusion -- winning the World Series -- is something we all want -- the premise
Chicago even cares if we do get hit by a blizzard that of this part of the article is flawed.
would drop a foot-plus of snow on top of us. It’s not Let’s examine the facts. Cubs attendance in 1981 was 565,637 -- 11th in the 12-team Na-
like we get snow days? Last night I was grousing that tional League. Obviously, that was depressed by the strike and the horrendous play of that year’s
as an adult in this city there is never enough snow to team. But there are some problems with Telander’s statement. First, the average attendance
actually close any office I’ve ever worked.* wasn’t “under 10,000”. To get that figure, Telander must have divided the total by the number
Instead, the heavier the snow, the earlier you of home games in 1981 (57) to get 9,923. However, there were three home doubleheaders in
need to leave to account for slow travel times ... 1981, so there were only 54 home dates. Thus, the actual average was 10,475.
and the longer you’ll work since there’s no point in There’s one more thing that’s wrong with Telander’s statement. 1981 wasn’t the first year of
leaving the office when everyone is trying to travel Tribune Co. ownership. The deal was approved by MLB owners on August 6, 1981, and Tribune
home at the same time ten hours later. (And it’s no Visualanthology | tpburl.com/w7p9jf | Snowstorm took over officially in early September. So the first true year of Tribco ownership was 1982.
better for kids ... due to our mayor’s past and recently Baseball was still recovering from the strike, and the Cubs, though better, were still bad, finish-
rediscovered desire to retain political office, the city’s extremely aggressive street clearing plans ing 73-89. They had 79 home dates and drew 1,249,278, an average of 15,814 -- nearly a 50%
mean that even this tiniest tyke is going to have to report to homeroom when the kids in outly- increase in average attendance.
ing counties are building snow forts.) But the real problem with Telander’s statement is that you can’t really compare attendance
So forgive me if we don’t get sucked into hysterical new stories urging us to stock up on figures now to attendance figures then. In 1982, MLB’s average attendance was about 21,000 per
supplies, and forgive us if you can hear us sneering at friends in NYC or D.C. or Boston who talk game; last year it was over 34,000.
of offices closing at the threat of six inches of snow. We in the urban Midwest (I am also peering Granted that Tribune’s marketing of the Cubs has been successful beyond probably even its
your way, my even crazier Minnesota sisters and brothers) are made of surprisingly hardier stuff. wildest dreams, drawing millions of fans even when the team was terrible. But until 1993, the
Tell me there’s a foot of snow coming our way and we will laugh in your face. National League only reported turnstile count. A 78-84 Cubs team in 1992 reported attendance
However, those days with high of -3° to -11° F that are being predicted for later this week? of 2,126,720, ranking fifth in the NL. The 1993 team, only a little better record-wise at 84-78,
That kind of news scares our pants off! (Insert laughter from our Canadian cousins ... here.) reported 2,653,763 -- more than 500,000 more fans, supposedly -- but ranked 7th in the NL.
*O.K., there was that ONE blizzard back in -- what, ‘98ish? -- where the city got hit by almost two That’s because in ‘93, teams started reporting tickets sold as the attendance figures. Overall
feet of snow no one saw coming and everything actually did shut down for one day. That was magical. baseball attendance “jumped” from 55 million in 1992 to 70 million in 1993 -- that’s not a real
jump, it’s the difference in the way it was reported.
PHOTOS
This is why the 2006 attendance figure of 3,123,215, which ranks fourth in team history, is
so misleading. Late-season games were sold out early, but for many of them, fewer than half the
announced crowd was actually in the ballpark. Management improved the team, and atten-
dance in 2007 was 3,252,462 -- only a “slight” improvement, but the actual turnstile count was
much higher than in 2006.
Anyway, Telander was trying to make a comparison between two things that can’t really be
compared, and he got a couple of basic facts wrong. Still, I’ll agree with his conclusion -- we are
all hoping that no matter what the attendance figures, what we want is for new ownership to
bring a World Series title to the North Side.

PHOTOS

Doug Siefken | tpburl.com/3p0s7z

Try Living on Minimum Wage

By Jim | 1/27/09 | Bargaineering tpburl.com/8nhbcp
Want to learn how to be frugal without having to resort to the extremes of spending only
a dollar a day on meals? Try living on minimum wage. I’m not recommending that you pull
a Morgan Spurlock but you should try to put yourself into the shoes of millions of Americans
working a minimum wage job and try to figure out how they’re surviving. They do it every
single day and they, through trial by fire, have learned what it takes to truly be frugal. You have
to walk a mile in a man’s (or woman’s) shoes to truly understand.
Minimum Wage
So, how much is minimum wage and how much can you spend? The Federal Minimum
Wage is currently $6.55 an hour, set to increase to $7.25 an hour on July 24th, 2009 (it may be
higher in your state). If you assume an 8 hour day, that’s a grand total of $52.40 in earnings that
day.
Taxes: If you worked 2,000 hour (the standard number of hours budgeted by companies)
year, $6.55 is only $13,100 a year. Once you deduct the standard deduction of $5,450, we’re
talking $7,650 of taxable income assuming no other deductions. According to the 2008 IRS tax
brackets, you would be taxed at 10% for a total tax of $765.
James Cooper | tpburl.com/0v7k8g
Your $13,100 a year is effectively $12,335 after taxes. That’s a little under $1028 a month.
What’s going on
Rent: It’s difficult to assume what your rent is because it varies across the country but let’s
take a nice round number of $500. Deduct $500 from $1028 and you’re left with $528. Divide
that by 30 to figure out how much you can spend each day. Stay in the know with a brief overview of the local events in your hood. Got a lead on a cool
How Much Can You Spend? event coming up? Drop us a line ASAP and shout it out.
The answer is $17.60. (if you assumed rent of $300, that would still leave you with only
$24.27 a day to spend)
Twestival SF Thursday, February 12, 2009 Museum of Contemporary Art
That’s right, if you work eight hours of minimum wage and have a $500 a month rent
SF with over 60 cities around the world, 220 E Chicago Ave Chicago
payment, you can only spend $17.60 before you start going into debt ($25 if you pay only $300 harnessing the power of twitter. Harlot, 46 First Friday series Fri. Feb. 6 6-10 p.m.
a month in rent). This is why so many people working minimum wage work two or three jobs, Minna St, SF; 6-10pm $25 $7-15. DJ, appetizers and a cash bar!
because eight hours is simply not enough. (There may be other social programs to help, like http://sanfrancisco.twestival.com/
food stamps, but I didn’t want to get overly complicated in this discussion) http://www.charitywater.org/
Eye opening huh? Try living on less than $18 a day for an entire month, I mean really try,
and you’ll discover some things you didn’t think were possible.
Snowball 2009 - Saturday, 2/7 Danielle Burnham’s Plan of Chicago
Fundraiser for Childrens Memorial Hospi- On loan from the Department of Archi-
tal by Junior Council of Children’s Memo- tecture and Designs; part of a citywide
rial Hospital at Navy Pier. $125 Tickets celebration of Burnham’s 1909 Plan of
snowball@cmh-juniorcouncil.org Chicago Centennial.
Grant Park Museums, 111 S. Michigan

Views expressed in Content do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher or the printed blog inc. 7
 Fashion
Pants Are Overrated
By Amber Mortensen | 1/15/09 | Painfully Hip tpburl.com/qyb90k
Winter inevitably becomes pants-hating time for me. I want, above all,
to stay warm, but my inclination is always dresses and skirts.
This year, a life-changing discovery: layered leggings, tights and socks
work almost as well as a pair of jeans for keeping warm! This outfit makes
me very happy. The ultimate in cozy-chic is born.
onemoredress | tpburl.com/52pgzy
PHOTOS
doobybrain | tpburl.com/9cfkr1
Media
List of Advertising Offenses
By Nathan Alexander | 1/21/09 | Commercials I Hate tpburl.com/4t8hfx
Shout all you want, Billy Mays. Shouting is bad manners, and will never inspire me to do
business with you. Of the many gimmicks the advertisers try on us over and over again, there
are some that are so transparent, so exploitative, we should sue them for calling us stupid. This
is the list of advertising offenses.
Spouse hiding the product in purse: Husband has a terrible cough and has been hacking
loudly through dinner. He uses his own cough drops, but continues to bark like a dying seal.
Only then does the wife reveal her own cough drops, which have been cleverly hidden in her
purse the whole time. What the hell was she waiting for? This scenario is also played as two
girlfriends going out to lunch. The money shot is the beautifully manicured hand pulling the
product out of a purse. It’s supposed to say “See, ladies? It fits in your purse, so you should im-
mediately buy it.”
The Numbered Series: Usually shown as two 15-second clips back to back. The first 15-sec-
ond commercial is number 34, in a series of helpful ways the product can improve your life. The
next commercial is number 18. There are no other handy household tips at all, only number 34
and number 18. They are usually accompanied by a smarmy seen-it-all mom voiceover, exasper-
atedly recounting these two solitary items as if she has been reading you the whole list.
Liquid pouring and splashing up into the air: This is shown most often in commercials
for cereal, where the milk pours into the cereal from a stupefying height, cresting and splashing
up and out of the bowl. This is done often in ads for refreshing beverages, chocolate, and most
mystifyingly, liquid bleach. I have never been sure what exactly this is supposed to represent.
No one I know has ever poured bleach from the top of a stepladder.
Car spinning out of control: The commercial is for a car, and they invariably show the
car fish-tailing to a screeching halt. I suppose this stunt is to appeal to my alpha-male side. Yes
please, give me a car that spins. Preferably spraying a fine mist from a wet road, or spewing dust
in a giant cloud as I rip through the desert, destroying my clear-coat. Funny how on TV a car
spinning around is supposed to demonstrate the car’s agility, but in real life it means someone is
about to die.
Athletes who talk: Please. If you want a big famous athlete in your ad, there’s a right way
and a wrong way to make it happen. The way to do it properly is to show the athlete in black
and white, in slow motion, bouncing the basketball, cracking the baseball bat, or launching the
football. Have them look all serious into the camera, and keep their mouths shut. The way to
screw it all up is to give the athlete lines. Have we learned nothing from Michael Jordan? Ath-
letes cannot speak. Don’t ask them to do it. They are not good at it.
People eating cereal somewhere other than in the kitchen: In nearly every commercial
ever made for breakfast cereal, they keep showing cereal in situations where cereal is never ap-
propriate. Ever. Like in the elevator. I have seen ads with an entire girls soccer team eating Chee-
rios on the bench. That’s right, Moms. Cheerios, with milk, a bowl and a spoon is a portable
snack suitable for the athletic field. I have also seen a commercial with a woman sitting in the
branches of a tree eating cereal. In a fucking tree! They simply don’t want to show you images
of people leaning over the kitchen sink, slurping the last sandy gulp of milk from the bottom of
the bowl while they hurriedly hike their messenger bags over their shoulders.
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Mark Cope / Guest Music Editor
Mark has been in the music business for over 35 years, with experience working for labels,
retail, distribution, artist development, and artist management. He has spent over 15 years
in music journalism, working with The Album Network, Radio and Records, and CMJ,
all weekly music trade publications. During that time he published a widely read weekly
column called “Cope With It.” His passion is music!
Michelle A. Doellman / Assitant Editor
Michelle is finishing her last semester at Columbia College Chicago, pursuing a MFA
in journalism. Originally from Quincy, IL, Doellman enjoys writing, reporting and her
continued exploration of Chicago.
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Book manuscripts, websites, articles, white papers, reports, marketing and corporate
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I am a fashion marketing and management graduate with another degree in public rela-
tions and advertising. I have 12 years of retail experience and I’m currently working as a
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I am very interested in an entry-level position that can be offered in a bank or a financial
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People finishing each other’s sentences: Here we show people from all walks of life, each
speaking a fragment of a sentence, so that we at home can marvel at the bewildering juxtaposi-
tion of ethnic diversity and unity of purpose. At the end of the commercial, each person in turn
says only the last part of a sentence, again and again. This makes the commercial poignant.
Repeating the entire last sentence one more time makes it extra poignant.
The Stupid Man: On my message board we have come to refer to this phenomenon as
DumbDaddy. Daddy can’t cook. Daddy can’t clean. Daddy can’t discipline the child. Daddy
can’t control himself in the electronics store. Daddy runs in circles holding a baby at arm’s
length. He has absolutely no idea what it is or why it makes that noise. Daddy takes the kids to
McDonald’s because Mom is nowhere to be found. These commercials are meant to empower
the female viewer by displaying men as weak overgrown children who Need Your Help. This
foul treatment of men has been expanded to include Young Stupid Guy. Young Stupid Guy will
chase a truck on foot because it has a picture of food on it. Young Stupid Guy will wrestle a live
bear for a Bud Light. The worst part about the Young Stupid Guy commercials is that they are
aimed at Young Stupid Guy. You’re supposed to want to be Young Stupid Guy.
Actor tries to sound unrehearsed: This is when the actor goes “uh..” and hesitates and
talks all slow, in order to sound more natural. All this does is piss me off. I’m like “SPIT IT
OUT!” It doesn’t sound more natural, it just sounds like the person can’t remember what they
were just talking about.
Contextualizing a disclaimer into a conversation: Fantastic example are these new medi-
cation commercials where they have to list all of the warnings and side effects for the drug, so
they show two girlfriends casually talking over lunch about dizziness, dry mouth and heat rash.
The Blue Liquid: The ad is for pads or tampons or diapers or any product that absorbs pee,
and they prove the product’s spongeworthiness by pouring blue liquid on it. Sometimes they
show a woman’s manicured hand delicately pouring the liquid from a test tube, the way it hap-
pens in real life.
Person who Doesn’t Get It: These commercials feature some thick-headed guy who just
doesn’t get it. Even though someone is talking right to his face, the guy can’t hear or can’t un-
derstand, leaving their exasperated friend to repeatedly shout, “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno”
or “AFLAC” I should point out that repeatedly shouting ANYTHING within a 30-second period
is a great way to annoy people really quick. It’s bad manners.
Staff at The Printed Blog
Ion C. Olaru / Software Developer
Ion has worked in the IT industry since 1998. He is originally from Moldova and loves
to develop software solutions that work for the community. Ion is proud to repeat that
he has worked for the first independent press agency in Moldova and now for the The
Printed Blog, the newest newspaper out of Chicago.
Chad Koskie / Editorial Assistant
Chad Koskie rounds out the editorial arm of The Printed Blog. In addition to politics and
current events he enjoys reading, finding new music and nightlife. He holds a degree in
journalism from Western Illinois University.