The Effect of Impenetrable Eye Contact on the Probability of Female Interaction Leading to aCloser Encounter Later in the Night Over Seafood Linguini and RieslingBy Ryan Kim
To fall in love with a member of the opposite gender without running into thecomplications that usually accompany such an action such as jealousy, insecurity, emotionalbreakdown, heartbreak, yelling, cheating, drinking, consuming large doses of ice cream, getting caughtwith pornography, denying alleged pornography use, screening phone calls in order to hang out withfriends to play video games and watch pornography, and throwing the c-word out there whenaccusations of infidelity are inferred from nasty insults, which will all result in love lost and severalweeks of depression, sleepless nights, and poor decisions which may or may not end in drunk dials andweeping.
Directions and Observations
Let the eyes of the observer wander around the room, whether it is a classroom, sanctuary, orbar, until a subject possessing brown doe eyes, fair skin, and slender frame perhaps of mixed ethnicitycatches those wandering eyes and holds them in place bringing a warm rush of blood flow to the heartand genitals.a.
Boner alert. An overflow of blood has flooded into the genitals and a massiveamount of soft tissue has inflated beyond the skinny jean’s capacity. Face is alsoreceiving overflow of blood and internal temperature has arisen considerably toabout 98 degrees Fahrenheit from the normal temperature of 96.8. Hands have beenstrategically placed to hide the erection and the desired subject has not noticed theobserver’s staring.2.
At this point, the observer should calm down if it wants any chance of interacting with thesubject. Breathe deeply to lower heart rate and internal temperature. This is the difficult part of theexperiment and the observer should prepare itself for the initial interaction with the subject. Makedirect eye contact with the subject to ensure mutual interest and only then proceed to step #3. If nomutual interest is established then proceed directly to step #4.a.
Eye contact has been established. Sort of. A smile has been detected from thecorner of the subject’s glossy lips. The observer can’t be sure that the subjectwasn’t trying to conceal her laughter at the observer’s partner blank, clueless,dumb face. The observer continues to stare and another smile has been detected.This smile is fuller and revealed straight teeth, perhaps straightened by braces andendless teasing in 6
grade before the subject’s body matured and the teasing was