My mother taught us to "respect your parents." I don't likemy Mom but I do respect her. Respect is like "in awe;" you treatthem like God. You don't do anything to juggle their world. Ifeel like I'm her mother sometimes and that I have to protecther.My mother told me that my grandfather was very charming whenshe was growing up. Although he was married, he used to go outwith a lot of women. He always dressed for women; he'd wearthose cravats and paisley scarves, and he dyed his hair when itturned grey. He was very, very vain, and he was successful withwomen. But he got to the stage where it became harder for him toget them because he didn't want the old ones -- he wanted 20-year-olds. But this didn't prevent my Mom from putting him on apedestal. Although he died 11 years ago when I was 12, shealways said, "If your grandfather had been alive, he would haveliked you to do this," and, "Your grandfather did this," and"Your grandfather did that." It used to get on my nerves. Hereshe was telling me what an amazing man he was and I knew that hewas an absolute pig.
"It was sore and it was messy and it was sticky, but it was okay because I was his special little girl."
I absolutely adored my grandfather. We had a very specialrelationship. He was always telling me, "I love you. You aresuch a pretty little girl. You are my little girl. You are myspecial little girl." I'd do anything he wanted me to do. If hesaid, "Jump," I'd jump. If he said, "Sit," I'd sit.I was four-and-a-half years old when he raped me. He musthave been almost 60 at the time.My family often spent Christmas at my grandparents' house inDurban. After lunch we all went to have our afternoon naps. Iwas lying asleep on a bed when I was woken by the feel ofsomething behind me. My grandfather had his hands in my pantsand he was feeling me. When he put his fingers inside me, I toldhim, "Stop doing that. You are hurting me." "No, I'm onlytickling you," he replied, as he carried on fondling me. Then hetook off his pants and put his penis behind me. I can't rememberif he sodomized me or entered me vaginally from behind, but itwas extremely sore. All the times mesh into one and it'sdifficult to distinguish the first from all the others. My bodycan feel the sodomy so I'm one hundred percent sure that even ifhe didn't sodomize me that time, he did it at other times.The sodomy was the most painful thing he did. I think thevaginal penetration was only partial while he did full analpenetration, which is why it hurt so much more. I remember quite