AFountain:TheBestoftheWaterBooks

DavidK.Reynolds,Ph.D. TheseworksareprotectedbytheCreativeCommons license. Dedication Formyteachers,mycolleagues,mystudents,andmy familyReality'srepresentatives. Acknowledgment Myworkissupported,inpart,bygrantsfromtheMental HealthOkamotoMemorialFoundation.Myteachersand studentsinJapanandNorthAmericacontinuetoofferme lessons.SomeofthoselessonsInoticeandincorporateinto ConstructiveLiving.Unfortunately,toomuchoftheir teachinggoesunnoticed.MythankstoJimGuswilerfor pullingtogetherhisfavoritequotesfromtheWaterBooks, editedandlistedinthefinalchapter. Contents 1.WhatisConstructiveLiving? WhyWater?(fromAThousandWaves) OnBeingNatural(fromEveninSummertheIceDoesn't Melt) SometimesThis,SometimesThat(fromEveninSummer theIceDoesn'tMelt) TheEssenceofConstructiveLiving(fromThirsty,

SwimmingintheLake) WhatitisthatWeTeach?(fromPlayingBallonRunning Water) 2.ConstructiveLivingandFeelings MovingAhead(fromPlayingBallonRunningWater) FeelingsareforFeeling(fromRainbowRisingfroma Stream) AlternativesforIndulgence(fromThirsty,Swimminginthe Lake) BrainResearchEvidence(fromThirsty,Swimminginthe Lake) SearchingfortheSource(fromAThousandWaves) 3.ConstructiveLivingandtheMind Silence(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) TyingShoelacesasaSpiritualPractice(fromRainbow RisingfromaStream) GroomorGloom(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) Broadminds(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) TheWorkingMind(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) ImmediateCure(fromWaterBearsnoScars) Scenes(fromWaterBearsnoScars) PurposefulLiving(fromPlayingBallonRunningWater) RemakingthePast(fromEveninSummertheIceDoesn't Melt) HelpingOut(fromAThousandWaves) 4.NeuroticSuffering NoSolutiontoaPseudoProblem(fromAThousandWaves) DecidingtoDecidetoDecide(fromPlayingBallonRunning

Water) SuccessfulFools(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) Mirrors(fromEveninSummertheIceDoesn'tMelt) ChangingWhoWeAre(fromEveninSummertheIce Doesn'tMelt) FacingtheInevitable(fromPlayingBallonRunningWater) WhyWaterBearsNoScars(fromWaterBearsnoScars) 5.NeuroticMoments OrdinaryPeople(fromEveninSummertheIceDoesn't Melt) Gardening(fromEveninSummertheIceDoesn'tMelt) WhereWeLive(fromWaterBearsnoScars) WashingAwayOurScars(fromWaterBearsnoScars) FormerStudents(WaterBearsnoScars) 6.NeuroticMistakes PublicMisconceptions(fromEveninSummertheIce Doesn'tMelt) SeekingtheMagicalBrazier(fromEveninSummertheIce Doesn'tMelt) PuttingLifeOffuntilTomorrow(fromPlayingBallon RunningWater) HeadsYouLose,TailsYouLose(fromPlayingBallon RunningWater) OnGeneralPrinciples(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) BlindSpots(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) TheAppealofPessimism(fromRainbowRisingfroma Stream) IAloneSuffer(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) FactsofLife(fromThirsty,SwimmingintheLake)

OnAlcoholandOtherDrugs(fromRainbowRisingfroma Stream) Realism(fromWaterBearsnoScars) 7.ConstructiveLivingReflection Misalignments(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) WarmingTrend(fromEveninSummertheIceDoesn't Melt) OnRealisticGratitude(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) ThePerfectMate(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) MyConstructiveLivingreciprocityReflectionsat35,000 Feet(fromThirsty,SwimmingintheLake) 8.ConstructiveLivingMaxims RainMaxims(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream SwimmingMaxims(fromThirsty,SwimmingintheLake) 9.ConstructiveLivingKoans RainKoans(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) 10.ConstructiveLivingTales DiamondMisery(fromAThousandWaves) Runaway(fromAThousandWaves) BeingOrdinary(fromAThousandWaves) SleepingSickness(fromPlayingBallonRunningWater) Royalty(fromPlayingBallonRunningWater) Stoptime(fromPlayingBallonRunningWater) ABoyandHisCat(fromPlayingBallonRunningWater) OneStepForward,TwoStepsBack(fromEveninSummer theIceDoesn'tMelt) TheUnicornandtheMenicorn(fromEveninSummerthe IceDoesn'tMelt)

TheDollCarriage(fromEveninSummertheIceDoesn't Melt) Junkies(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) TheMagicMedallion(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) WaterWorld(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) Smarts(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) Fluff(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) HazardsofBrilliance(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) TheSlipperyThroat(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) BytheWay(fromWaterBearsnoScars) Chains(fromWaterBearsnoScars) FillinguptheValley(fromWaterBearsnoScars) SoftandEasy(fromWaterBearsnoScars) Wings(fromWaterBearsnoScars) Thirsty,SwimmingintheLake(fromThirsty,Swimmingin theLake) Venus(fromThirsty,SwimmingintheLake) 11.ConstructiveLivingExercises ExercisesinLivingTheBallGame(fromPlayingBallon RunningWater) ExercisesAmidtheWaves(fromAThousandWaves) ExercisesintheRain(fromRainbowRisingfromaStream) NoSmallMatter(fromPoolsofLodgingfortheMoon) 12.ConstructiveLivingQuotesfromtheWaterBooks Introduction Inthe1980'sand1990'saseriesofbooksabout ConstructiveLiving(CL)waspublishedtointroducesome fundamentallyhumanideasfromJapantoanEnglish

speakingreadership.Thetitlesofthosebooks(forwhichI holdthecopyrights)were: PlayingBallonRunningWater,Morrow,N.Y.,1984. EveninSummertheIceDoesn'tMelt,Morrow,N.Y.,1986. WaterBearsNoScars,Morrow,N.Y.,1987. PoolsofLodgingfortheMoon,Morrow,N.Y.,1989. AThousandWaves,Morrow,N.Y.,1990. Thirsty,SwimmingintheLake,Morrow,N.Y.,1991. RainbowRisingfromaStream,Morrow,N.Y.,1992. Icallthemthe"WaterBooks."Eachofthebookshadsome formofwaterinthetitle.Thetitleswereborrowedand adaptedfromvariousChineseandJapanesesources.Water isbothordinaryandvitaltoourexistence.Amoredetailed explanationofthewaterthemeisofferedinthechapter "WhyWater?"below. TheWaterBookswereanearlyandimportantpartofthe growingliteratureonConstructiveLivingintheWest. RecentlytranslatedintoJapanesevolumesfromtheWater Booksserieshavesparkedrenewedinterestwithinthevery countryfromwhichtheyemerged.Theyrepresentthe beginningrepaymentofafortyyeardebtIowemy JapaneseteachersofMoritaTherapyandConstructive LivingreciprocityTherapy.FormanyyearsnowIhave spentaboutsixmonthsofeachyearinJapanlecturingto JapaneseinJapaneseabouttheseJapaneseideas.

Therearenowmorethan200trainedandcertified ConstructiveLivinginstructorsaroundtheworldinthe UnitedStates,Canada,Japan,Mexico,NewZealand, England,Germany,thePhilippines,Poland,andSouth Africa.Certificationtrainingcurrentlytakesplaceinthe U.S.,Canada,andJapan.ConstructiveLivingbookshave beenpublishedintheU.S.,England,Australia,Japan, China,andGermany.Wellover100,000copieshavebeen sold.Ithastakentwentyfiveyearstogrowtothislevelof acceptanceforacoupleofreasons.Thefirsthastodowith qualitycontrol.Fewerthanhalfthepeoplewhocomplete ConstructiveLivingcertificationtrainingareactually certified;thestandardsarethathigh. ThesecondreasonforthemeasuredgrowthofConstructive Livinghastodowiththedifficultyofthislifestyleevenfor thosewhodon'tintendtobecomeConstructiveLiving instructors.IfConstructiveLivingpromisedtheworld freedomfromneuroticmisery,constantcontentmentand joy,spiritualhighs,andaneasysetoflifeprinciplesit wouldberelativelyeasytoattractlargernumbersof people.InsteadConstructiveLivingoffersarealisticmeans ofhandlinglifesufferingandjoy,awaytofindmeaningin everydaylife,andachallengingperspectiveonwhatitisto be"ordinary."Themosteffectivewaytodeterminethe effectivenessofConstructiveLivingistogiveitatentative try.Inthisbookyouwillfindnotonlyideastoarouseyour thinking,butalsoexercisestoputtheseideasintopractice. AlthoughIwasintroducedtothemainthemesof

ConstructiveLivinginJapan,Inowseethattheyare basicallyhumanthemesthathaveappearedinJudaism, Christianity,Sufism,Taoismandotherreligiousand secularsystemsofthoughtandaction.Myjobhasbeento maketheprinciplesunderstandabletoWesternersand,as JapanbecomesmoreWesternized,tothemodernJapanese themselves. IhaveselectedsomeofmyfavoritechaptersfromtheWater Books,editedthemtobringthemuptodate,andorganized themintogroupsonthebasisoftheirprimarycontent. Thankyouforjoiningmeforthesemomentsasyouread TheFountain:TheBestoftheWaterBooks. I.WhatisConstructiveLiving? WhyWater? Naturalqualitiesofwater Waterisasymbolofthenatural.Byjustnaturallydoingits thing,byjustgoingaboutitswaterbusinessinawaterlike way,itaccomplishesallsortsoffeats.Nottheleastofits accomplishmentsisitsabilitytoprovideuswithanalogies thathelpmakesenseofhumanpsychologyandprovide adviceforsuccessfulliving. Mostofmyrecentbookshavewaterinthetitle:Playing BallonRunningWater;EveninSummertheIceDoesn't Melt;WaterBearsNoScars;PoolsofLodgingfortheMoon; AThousandWaves;RainbowRisingfromaStream;

FlowingBridges,QuietWaters;andPlungingThroughthe Cloudsamongothers.Inorder,theyrefer,inpart,toaction ineverchangingtime,thechillstiffnessofneurosis,the purposefulnowcenterednessofwater,theabilityofthe moontofindarestingplaceinahundredbowlsofwater withoutmakingreservationsorreceivinginvitations,the splashanemotionmakesonourthinking,hopearising fromwisdom,steppingforwardwithinuncertainty,andthe subjectivenatureofsituationalchanges. TheEasternapproachestomentalhealthwhichformwhat wecallintheWest"ConstructiveLiving"areMorita therapyandConstructiveLivingreciprocitytherapy.They aimathelpingusbenatural.Somepeoplebelievethat moderntechnologyandotheraspectsofmodernlifehave alienatedusfromNature.Whatdoesitmeantobecome naturalagain? Let'sbeginwithalookathowwaterisnatural.First,water acceptstherealityofthesituationitisin.Itdoesn'tsay "NowI'minaglass,butIwanttobeintheocean,soI'll sulkanddaydreamandnotactlikeproperwater."Only peopledothat.Waterreflectswhateverrealitybringsit. "TozancametoseeZenmasterZenneofKassan,and asked: "'Howarethings?' "'Justastheyare.'"(Shibayama,1970,p.206) Inwarmtimeswaterbecomeswarm,incoldtimesit becomescold.Itdoesn'tsay,"IwishIwerecooltoday.I shouldn'tgetthishot."Itdoesn'tpretenditiswarmwhenit

isreallycold.Itsimplyacceptstherealityofits temperatureandgoesaboutflowingtowardthelowest placearound. Peopledenyreality.Theyfightagainstrealfeelingscaused byrealcircumstances.Theybuildmentalworldsofshoulds, oughts,andmighthavebeens.Realchangesbeginwith realappraisalandacceptanceofwhatis.Thenrealistic actionispossible. Waterflowsaroundobstacles.Itdoesn'tstoponitsway downariverbedtotrytofightwiththebigrocksthat opposeit.Itjustheadstowarditsgoalandeventuallywears downitsopposition.Whethertheobstaclesweardown quicklyornot,watermanagestogetwhereitaimstogo withoutanylongtermdistraction.Peopletendtoget distractedbyfeelings(forexample,byanxietybeforecollege exams)andshiftawayfromtheiroriginalpurposes(for example,bytryingtoresolvetheanxietyinsteadof continuingtostudyfortheexams). Wateriswonderfullyflexible.Itfillsthecircumstancesitis in.Ittakesthenaturalamountoftimetogetwhereitis going.Itmovesatanaturalpacenowrushingquickly,now flowingslowly,dependingonthecircumstances.Some peopleseemtoberushingaroundallthetime,tryingto forcetimetofittheirdesires.Otherpeopleneverseemto stirthemselvestofastaction. Whatissooutstandingaboutthesequalities?Theyarejust theordinaryqualitiesofwater.Thischapterisaboutbeing ordinaryandnaturalhumanbeingsinmuchthesameway,

andaboutthetroublewegetourselvesintowhenwearen't realisticinthesensethatwaterisrealistic. ConstructiveLiving ConstructiveLivingisabringingtogetheroftwo psychotherapiesandtheirassociatedlifewayswithorigins inJapan.Asnotedabove,thetwosystemsfordealingwith humansufferingandhumanexistenceareusuallycalled MoritatherapyandConstructiveLivingreciprocity therapy.Bothweredevelopedinthiscentury,buttheir rootsextendbackforhundredsofyearsintothehistoryof EastAsia.MasatakeMoritawasaprofessorofpsychiatry atJikeiUniversitySchoolofMedicineinTokyo.Ishin Yoshimotowasasuccessfulbusinessmanwhoretiredto becomealaypriestinNara.Morita'smethodhasitsorigins inZenBuddhistpsychology(notZenBuddhistreligion), andYoshimoto'sConstructiveLivingreciprocityhasits originsinJodoShinshuBuddhistpsychology.Neitherof thesesystemsrequiresthatonebelieveinBuddhismor havefaithinanythingotherthanone'sownexperience. TheyworkaswellforChristiansandMoslemsandJewsas forBuddhists.Botharebuiltonthenaturalistic observationsofhumansandoncarefulintrospectionby theirfounders.IthinkthatasyoureadaboutConstructive Livingyouwillbethinkingthatitisn'tsoverymysticaland Oriental,butratherpracticalandhumanand,well, "realistic."

Moritatherapy LetusbeginourconsiderationofMorita'sideaswiththe topicoffeelings.Feelingsareanimportantpartofhuman life.Therearefeelingswelike(feelingslikeconfidenceand loveandhappinessandsatisfaction)andfeelingswedon't like(likelonelinessanddepressionandfearandtimidity). Itisn'tsurprisingthatwetrytogeneratesomefeelingsand eliminateothers.Theproblemwithfeelings,however,is thatwecannotcontrolthemdirectlybyourwills.We cannotsitdownandconcentrateandmakeourshynessgo awayormakeourselvesstopfeelinglonelyonaSaturday nightormakeourselvesfallinloveoroutoflovewith someone.Itjustcannotbedone.Wecannotmakeourselves stopfeelingnervousbeforeanexam,oranxiousbefore askingsomeoneoutonadate,ortensebeforeajob interview.Feelingsarenaturalconsequencesofwhoweare andthesituationsweareinjustlikecloudsarenatural consequencesoftemperaturesandpressuresandhumidity andsoforth.Feelingsarenatural,and,naturally,theyare justasuncontrollableastheweather. Now,noonetriestofightwithrainorfog.Youneversee anyonegoingoutsidewavingaswordorakarateblowat rainclouds.Andnoordinaryhumanstrybytheirwillsto makefoggoaway.Nooneignorestheweather,butwehave alllearnedtodimourheadlightsinthefog,stayinside duringhurricanes,andsoforth.Andwedowhatwecan reasonablydowhilewaitingforbadweathertopass.

Feelingsarejustlikethat.Thebestwaytohandle unpleasantfeelingsistorecognizethem(don'ttrytoignore themorpretendtheyaren'tthere),toacceptthem(you can'tcontrolthemdirectly,whytrytofightsomethingyou can'tdefeatanyway?),andtogoonaboutdoingwhatyou needtodo.Rainorfogmaynotstopyoufromgoingto schoolortowork,butyouwilltaketheweatherinto considerationwhiledriving.Inthesameway,anxietyneed notstopyoufromstudyingoraskingforaraiseinpay, thoughyou'lltakeitintoconsiderationwhileselectinga placeandtimetostudyorapropermomenttoapproach yourboss.And,intime,unpleasantfeelingspass,justlike snowstorms.Grief,forexample,neversustainsitsintensity forever.Itfadeslittlebylittleovertimeunlesssomething comesalongtorestimulateitagain,thenitfadesagain. Justlikechangeableweather. Asyoucansee,I'mmakingacleardistinctionbetween feelingsandbehavior.Feelingsarenaturalphenomena, uncontrollabledirectlybyourwill;theycomeandgolike weather.Behavior(preparingforaninterview,forexample, ordealingwithadifficultclient)iscontrollable.Wecan choosetodressproperlyforaninterview(behavior)even thoughwecannotchoosetogetridofouranxiety(feeling) aboutit.Wecanasksomeoneoutonadate(behavior)while feelingshy.Wecantotalupthecheckatarestaurant (behavior)eventhoughwecannotchoosetoavoidour unpleasantfeelingsaboutmakingotherswaitwhilewedo so.Justaswecandecidetogoonapicniceventhoughthe

dayiswindy.Thisdistinctionbetweendirectlycontrollable behavioranddirectlyuncontrollablefeelingsisakey featureofConstructiveLivingactionthought. Ifwehavenodirectcontroloversomething,wecannotbe heldresponsibleforit.Whoisresponsibleforan earthquake?Wearen'tresponsibleforhavingangry, spiteful,depressed,sexy,grumpy,greedyoranyotherkind offeelings.Again,feelingsarenatural.Ontheotherhand, weareresponsibleforwhatwedo,ourbehavior,nomatter whatwearefeeling.Behavior(exceptforafewareaslike stutteringandsexualimpotenceandtrembling)is controllablebyourwill,soweareresponsibleforthat aspectofourlivesallthetime.Tobesure,wefindit convenienttotrytoescapefromourresponsibilityforour actionsbyblamingourfeelings."IwassoangryIcouldn't helphittinghim,""Iwastoodistraughttothankher,""I feeltheneedfordrugsissostrongthatIstealtogetthem." Butthesefeelingbasedexcusesdon'tholdwater.Similarly, blamingparentsorsocietyorspousesorchildrenforour destructivebehavioristoseektoavoidresponsibilityfor whatisrightfullyourownresponsibility,nomatterwhat pastexperienceswemayhavesufferedthrough. Oneoftheinterestingthingsabouthumansisthatwhatwe do(ourbehavior)ofteninfluenceshowwefeel.Wenever havedirectcontroloverournaturalfeelings,butsometimes wecanaffectouraffectbyouractions.Ifyoudon'tfeellike goingonajobinterviewonemorningitseemstomethatit isawasteoftimetotrytomakeyourselfwanttodoso.I

thinkitisnaturaltofeelsomehesitationaboutlayingyour egoonthelineforsomeoneelsetodecidewhetheryouare worthyofhiringornot.Thereisnoneedtomakeyourself enjoyjobinterviews.Thesolution?Simplytogetoutofbed, getdressedfortheinterview,andgo.Sometimes,inthe dressingandreadingoveryourresumeanddrivingoverto theappointmentasortofexcitementandinterestinwhat willhappenarises.Sometimesitdoesn't.Ineithercase,the interviewgetsdone.Doingafewjobinterviewswell, succeedingatthem,havingjobsofferedtoyouasaresult, maymakejobhuntingevenpleasurable.Butlyinginbed, puttingoffgettingup,andfailingtoshowupforthejob interviewnevergivesyouachancetosucceed,nevergives youachancetofeelanythingbutuncomfortableaboutjob interviews.Themoreweallowfeelingstogovernourlives, themoretheyspreadtogovernevenlargerareasoflife. Sowecanuseourbehaviortogiveourselvesthechanceto succeedataccomplishingourgoals.Andthatsuccessoften producesconfidenceandothersatisfyingfeelings. Pleasantfeelingsfadeovertimejustasunpleasantonesdo, unlesssomethinghappenstorestimulatethosefeelings. Romanticlovefadesinalotofmarriages.Respectfor individualsandschoolspiritandpatrioticfeelingstoward one'scountrycanbeexpectedtofadeunlessrestimulated somehow.That'swhatdatesandralliesandnational anthemsareabout.Inthedoingofthesethingscertain feelingsarelikelytobestimulatedorrestimulated.Ifyou wanttokeeploveinyourrelationshipyoumustkeepdoing

kindnessforyourpartner.Asyoubehaveinthoughtful, lovingwaysyouareincreasingthechancesofsustaining feelingsofloveforhimorher.Romanceinamarriageis sustainedbygiftsandcandlelitdinnersandkissesand dressingupforeachotherandsoforth. Buteventhisfocusoninfluencingfeelingsindirectly throughbehaviorisabitunnatural.Sometimesyouseemto doeverythingright,youplantheproperbehaviorsto generatecertainfeelings,andthefeelingsdon'tturnoutas expected.Abetterstrategyforlivingistobepurpose focusedinsteadofbeingfeelingfocused.Letthefeelings takecareofthemselveswhileyougoaboutaccomplishing yourgoalsthroughyourbehavior.Astheemphasisinyour lifeturnsmoreandmoretowardusingcontrollable behaviortoachieveyourgoalslifesteadiesdownand becomesmoresatisfying.Iamnottalkinghereofthe tunnelvisionworkaholicwhofocusesonlyonbusinessand economicsuccess.Purposesandgoalsarevarious.But,on thewhole,beingpurposeorientedwillpayoffmorethan beingfeelingorientedsimplybecausethelatterisn'ta gameyoucanwinwithanyconsistency.Youcan'tmake goodfeelingslastandlast;youcan'tmakebadfeelingsgo awayatwill.(Technically,itisn'tpropertousewordslike "good"and"bad"whenreferringtofeelings;likeseasons, theyhavenomoralqualities.) Iffeelingsarenaturalphenomenadoesn'titseemstrange toyouthattherearepsychotherapieswhichtrytomake fearsorguiltordepressiongoaway?Thereare

psychotherapiesandselfgrowthmethodswhichaimat producinghappinessandconfidenceandgoodfeelings aboutyourselfallthetime.Icannotseehowsuchtherapies candeliverontheirpromises.Nooneishappyorconfident orfeelinggoodaboutanythingallthetime.Feelingskeep changing,liketheskykeepschanging.Amoresuitablegoal fortherapyorforhumanlifeingeneralseemstobeto noticeandacceptthesechangesinfeelingswhilekeeping steadilyonaboutdoingthethingsthatwillgetuswherewe wanttogo.Likewaterdoes. Moritatherapyholdsthatallhumansareoversensitiveto theirownfaultsandlimitstosomedegree.Especiallywhen weareillorunderstresswemaybecomefixatedonsome mental/physicaldisturbance.Weblowoutofproportionthe ringinginourearsorourstiffshouldersorourfearof flyingorourdiscomfortabouteatinginrestaurantsor whatever.Thepropercoursetoalleviatetheseproblem areasisnottoignorethemortofightthem,buttoaccept themwhilegettingonaboutproper,constructivebehavior. Inotherwords,whateveristroublingus,itisimportantto acceptthetroubledfeelingsandgetonaboutliving.Of course,ifthereissomethingpracticalandconcretewecan dotoalleviatethecauseoftheproblem(suchasseeinga physiciantoruleoutorganicillness),thatisincludedinthe categoryofproper,constructivebehavior. Ingeneral,thestrongerwedesiresomething,themorewe wanttosucceed,thegreaterouranxietyaboutfailure.Our worriesandfearsareremindersofthestrengthofour

positivedesires.Theyarealsoremindersofourneedsto usecaution,preparematerialstoavoidtheembarrassment oflackofpreparation,workhard,practiceperfectingour skills,developourabilitytopersistandendure,dealwith theenvironmentalcircumstanceswhichcausedthem,and soforth.Ouranxietiesareindispensableforusinspiteof thediscomfortaccompanyingthem.Totrytodoawaywith themwouldbefoolish.Moritatherapyisnotreallya psychotherapeuticmethodforgettingridof"symptoms."It ismoreaneducationalmethodforoutgrowingourself imposedlimitations.ThroughConstructiveLivingwelearn toacceptthenaturalnessofourselves. IntheiradvancedstagesConstructiveLivingstudents acceptthemselvesaspartofthenaturalsituationinwhich theyareembedded.Idonotrefertosomepassive conformity,buttoadynamicrecognitionthatweexistas situationallyembeddedaspectsofReality.Wetakeonour identitiesfromthecircumstancesinwhichwefind ourselves.Weareratherlikethecursormarkersonthe computerscreenofReality.Thelossofselfcenteredness,in morethanonesenseoftheword,isanultimategoalfor somestudentsofthismethod.However,relieffromthe obsessivepressureofphobias,anxieties,andpsychosomatic difficultiesissufficientformanystudents. Whatwehaveconsideredheresofarhascomefromthe thoughtoftheJapanesepsychiatrist,ShomaMorita(or MasatakeMorita;Japanesekanjicharacterscanbereadin variousways.Ihaveplacedthefamilynameslastinthis

booktoconformwithourEnglishcustom).Nowlet'sturn brieflytothecontributiontoConstructiveLivingmadeby thelaypriest,IshinYoshimoto,andhisConstructiveLiving reciprocity. ConstructiveLivingreciprocity Oneofthefactorsthatseemstoinfluencehowwefeelis ourattitudetowardtheworld.Ifweareconstantly concernedwithgettingourshare,withmakingsurewe aren'tleftout,ifweareextremelyselffocusedandself conscious,thenwearelikelytohavealotofmiserable feelings.Theworldjustneverseemstosendusgreenlights andlotteryprizesandkindwordswhenwewantthem.And wewantthemnearlyallthetime. Haveyoueverstoppedtothinkabouthowmuchofyouis trulyyours?Yournamewasgiventoyoubyyourparents. Sowasyourbody.Thewordsyouuseweretaughttoyouby parentsandpeersandteachers.Yourbodyhasgrownand issustainedbyfoodthatpeopleyoudon'tevenknow producedandprocessedforyou.Theclothesyouwearwere createdandsewnbyothers,boughtwithmoneygivenyou bysomeoneelse.Eventheideasyouhaveseemtobubbleto thesurfaceofyourmind,comingoutofnowhereand passingalongtobereplacedbyotherthoughtsfrom nowhere.There'snothingthatistrulyyours;itisall borrowed.Ofcourse,itisthesameforallofus. Youmaysay,ofcourse,thatyouboughtyourclotheswith yourownmoney.Butwhogaveyouthemoney?Whotaught

youtodotheworkyoudowhichearnedthemoney?Who hiredyou?Whogaveyouthebasiceducationalskillsto learnthetradeyouply?Thepointisthatwhenwetrace backourachievementsfarenoughweseethefruitsof others'effortsinourbehalf,inevitably.Wehavedone nothingsolelyonourown. Strange,then,thatweshouldhavethenotionthatweare "selfmade."Webelievethatwegotwherewearebyour ownefforts.Withjustalittlebitofreflectionwecansee thatsuchnotionsofhavingcomethisfaronourownare laughable.Deeperreflectionallowsustoseeineven greaterdetailhowwehavebeenandcontinuetobe supportedonallsidesinallsortsofwaysbypeopleand thingsandenergies(suchaselectricityandthesun'sheat andlight). Oneresultofsortingoutthespecific,concretewaysin whichtheworldsupportsus(justasyouaresupportingme nowbyloaningmeyoureyestoreadthischapter)isa feelingofgratitude.Idon'tdeserveallthishelpfromyou andthispaperandtheelectricitythatpowersthisword processor(andthepeoplewhoworkedtogeneratethis electricity),andtheeditorandpublisherofthisbook,and themanufacturersofthisprinter'sink,bookdesigners,and thepeoplewhotaughtmetheselifeways,andsoforth.But, throughConstructiveLivingreciprocity,wecancometo noticeandappreciatethesurroundingnurturancefromthe worldandtoofferwordsofthanks.BeforeIunderwenta weekofConstructiveLivingreciprocitytraininginJapan,I

thoughtallthiswasmydue.Itookitforgranted,anddrift backintothatattitudesometimesstill.ButwhetherI recognizeitornot,whetherIacceptitornot,whetherIfeel gratitudeornot,whetherItrytoreturnthefavorsornot, Realitykeepsonbeingwhatitis.Itkeepsongivingtome, notinsomeabstractsense,butconcretely,throughJimand FrankandLynnandthiskeyboardandsoforth. Sothenaturalresponsetorealizingwhatisreallygoingon isthedesiretorepayandasortofguiltwhenweseethat wehaven'tbeendoingmuchrepayingrightalong.Starting withourparentsourattitudeshiftsfromhowlittlewehave receivedfromthemandhowmuchmoretheyoweustoone ofhowmuchwehavereceivedfromthemandhow importantitistostartworkingongivingbacksomethingto them.I'mnotsuggestingthatallparentsareperfectand thattheyhavedoneaperfectjobinraisingus.ButIam assertingthatthereweresomeadultsinourliveswhofed andclothedusandnurtureduswhenweweresmall.They diditwhethertheywereinthemoodornot,overandover again,whetherwefeltappreciativeorshowedthem gratitudeornotorwewouldn'thavesurvivedtobehere today. Thegratitudeanddesiretorepayapplytothepeoplein yourlifetoday,aswell,andtoobjectsinyourworld.What haveyoudoneforyourshoeslately,foryourcar,for electricity,foryourtoothbrushandstereoset?Ifyoutakea momenttoconsiderwhattheyhavedoneforyou,itseems

notquitesooddtothinkofwhatyoumightdoforthemin return. I'venevermetasufferingneuroticpersonwhowasfilled withgratitude.Isn'tthatsomething?Gratitudeand neuroticsufferingseemtobeantagonistic.Ifthereis anythingcharacteristicofneurosisitisaselfcenteredness. Gratitude,ontheotherhand,isothercentered.Itcarries withitthedesiretoserveothersinrepayment,evenifit causessomeinconveniencetooneself. ThemostjoyfulpeopleIhaveknownhaveallbeenpeople whogavethemselvesawaytoothers.Themostmiserable peopleIhaveknownhaveallbeenconcernedwithlooking outforthemselves.Checkwithyourownexperience,look around.Despitecommercialstothecontrary,lookingout fornumberoneisasurepathtotorment. OnBeingNatural Whenwesaythattheweatheristerribleorthatitisa pleasantdaywearereallytalkingaboutourconvenience andourpreferenceandnotaboutsomemoralqualityofthe weather.Theweatherjustis.Itiscloudyordrizzlyorfoggy orclearornippyorwhatever.Itiswhatnaturepresentsto usataparticulartime.Wemusttaketheweatherinto accountwhenwedresstogooutinit,whenweplana picnic,whenwedecidewhattirestoputonthecar,when wedecidewhethertocarryanumbrellatowork. Nevertheless,theweatherdoesn'tforceustomakeany particulardecisionaboutwhatweshalldo.Forexample,we

maychoosetowearaswimsuitintherainandwashourcar inadrizzle,wemaycontinuewithourpicnicplanseven thoughitiswindy,wemaydecidethatsnowtiresaretoo expensivetobuy,andwemayprefertoruntothecarrather thanuseanumbrella. Theweatherispartofthenaturalrealitythatispresented tousforourconsideration.Soarefeelings.Beingafraidof heightsisjustasnaturalasabreezyautumnday;sois nervousnesswhenweareabouttomeetnewandimportant peopleinourlives.Anxietybeforetakinganexamination, concernwhilewaitingformedicallaboratoryreportsonour physicalcondition,embarrassmentwhenwehavemadea blunderinfrontofothers,griefwhenalovedone(orajob) islostallthesefeelingsareasnaturalastheweather. Whenwetrytosingleoutsomefeelingsas"terrible"or "unwarranted"or"intrusive"or"hindering"or"beneath us,"wearelikelytoforgettheirpropernaturalness.When werecognizetheiressentialinnocencewecangoonabout life,simplyacknowledgingtheirexistenceaswe acknowledgeafoggymorning.Itissensibletotrytowork ourwayaroundfogweusedimmedheadlights,drive slower,andsoforth.Anyonewhotriestoattackthefog directlyseemsfoolishtous.Itdoesnogoodtoslashawayat fogwithaswordorafan.Why,then,dowetrytogetridof ourfearsandanxieties?Whyisthepurposeofsome psychotherapiestotrytofreethepatientsfromworriesand selfdoubtsandapprehensions?Isuspectthatsome therapiststrythisimpossibletasknotonlybecausetheir

patientsaredistressedbytheirfeelings(somepeopleare distressedbygloomyweather,too),butalsobecausethe therapistsandpatientshavethemistakennotionthatthe feelingssomehowinterferewiththepatients'doingwhat theyneedtodoinlife. Wecommonlysay,forexample,thatMr.Xwon'tflyonan airplanebecauseheisafraidofflying.Wemayevenbelieve thatMr.X'sfearcauseshimtorefrainfromflying.Itisn't so.Itcan'tbeso,becausethereareplentyofpeoplewho fearflying(Iamoneofthem)andyettravelbyplaneallthe time.Perhaps,yousay,itisthedegreeoffearthat distinguishesbetweenpeoplewhoflyandpeoplewhodon't. Iwonder.Iusedtobevery,veryfrightened(muchmore thanIamnow)andstillflewbecausetherewasnoother reasonablewaytogetfromLosAngelestoJapanandback inthetimeavailable. Inthepsychologyofsuicideweoftentalkaboutpersons whoaretoodepressedtobesuicidal.Thedangerofsuicide comeswhentheirdepressionbeginstolift.Whiletheyare atthebottomofdepressiontheyhavenoenergytoplanor actontheirsuicidalplan.Soitisnotthefeelingof depressionthatcausespeopletokillthemselves. Throughouthumanlife,itissimplyimpossibletomakea clear,simplecausalconnectionbetweenwhatwefeeland whatwedo.Whenwelookcloselyatfeelingsandbehavior weseesomecorrelation(likethecorrelationbetweenthe numberofumbrellasweseeonthestreetandraincloudsin

thesky)butnosimplecausalrelationship(justaswesee somepeoplewithoutumbrellaseventhoughitisraining). Idonotknowwhatcausesustodowhatwedo.Ireally don't.Iknowthatitisn'tsimplyfeelings.Isuspectthatno oneelseiscertainaboutwhatcausesustoactaswedo, either,althoughsomeclaimsuchawesomeinsight.Itseems clear,however,thatwhenwegettothepointofaccepting ourfeelingsasweaccepttheinevitabilityoftheweather, whenwetakeintoconsiderationtheinformationaboutour feelingsasweconsidertheinformationinaweatherreport, andthengoaheadwithwhatwehavedecidedneedstobe done,weendupinbettershapethanthosewhoshaketheir fistsatthecloudsintheskyorscreamat(orignore)the weatherreports. Yousee,eventhemostunpleasantfeelingsarethenatural resultofourwantingtoliveandtolivefully.Thefearof meetingothersgrowsfromthedesiretobelikedand respectedbythem.Thefearofheightsisselfpreserving, reflectingareluctancetoputourselvesindangerous situations.Selfcriticismandfeelingsofinferiorityindicate astrongdesiretoimproveourselves.Wecompareourselves withrealorimaginedothers,noticingtheirapparent abilitiesandsuccesses.Ourskillatobservationandour strongdrivetosucceedarereflectedinourselfdoubts. Peoplewhodon'tcareaboutlivingsuccessfullydon'thave worriesaboutjobinterviewsandexaminations;theydon't haveinferiorityfeelings;theydon'tsufferfromshynessor lackofconfidence.Thosewhodon'tcarearetobepitied.If

wegrowbeyondthepettyhumanfeelingsandconcerns thenweloseempathyandsympathyforothersuffering humans.Itisfarbettertocontinuetofeelwhiledeveloping betterdisciplineinourbehavior.Inthisway,wedon'tlose ourmembershipinhumanity,thoughweadvanceupthe ranksofcharacter. The"natural"person,then,simplytakesthefeelingsas theycome,allintertwinedandinteracting,andgoesabout doingwhatrealitybringsthatneedsdoing.The"natural" personwastesnotimetryingtostrugglewithfeelings directly.Thefeelingsarejust"ordinary,"unworthyoflotsof attentionoveralongperiodoftime.Feelingsshouldn'tbe ignoredhowcouldweignoreasnowstorm,anyway?But whenyouhavetogooutinablizzard,yougoout.Thatis thewayitistobehuman.Thefeelingsarethere,butwedo whatwehavetodo.Eveninsummer,whentheicehasn't melted,shivering,wedowhatwehavetodo. SometimesThis,SometimesThat IdislikebeingtoldhowImustbefeeling.Lockedoutofmy officeonedayIrememberfeelinginconveniencedbutnot particularlyangry.AcolleagueinsistedthatImusthave beenangryafterall,someonehadforgottentotellme aboutthechangeoflocks.ButIwasn'tangry,Iinsisted. SometimesI'mangry,tobesure,butnotthattime.He persisted:Imusthavebeenveryangrytodenyandrepress itsostrongly.Iwonder.

Sometimeswefeelpressuredbypsychologicaltheoryorby friendsortherapistsorspousestoownuptoemotionsthat theyinsistmustbethere.Whensomeonepullsoutfromthe curbinfrontofmycarwithoutanysignalandIamforced tobrakesuddenly,thensometimesIamupsetand sometimesnot.Thereseemstobenopurposeindiggingfor angerthatsomeoneelsebelievesmustbehidden somewhereinmypsyche.IfIamdenyingandrepressing thefeeling,whydoIrecognizeandaffirmitsometimes? WhyshouldItrytofitmyexperiencetosomeoneelse's theoreticalsatisfaction? Itisthesamewithspeakingbeforelargeaudiences. SometimesIammoretensethanatothertimes.Sometimes Ifeelmorecourageousandlessshythanatothertimes. Aren'tyouthesame?Whenwereflectbackonour childhood,weren'twesometimesangryatourparentsand sometimesappreciativeofthem,sometimessatisfiedwith ourlotandsometimesintenselydissatisfied,sometimes lovingandsometimeshating?Totalkaboutanunhappy childhoodistooversimplifythecomplexityofthepastin ordertofitsomecurrentneed.Wemaywanttoconsider ourselvesdeprivedaschildrensothatwecanexplainour currentlimitations.Wemaywanttoemphasizeourfeelings ofabandonmentaschildreninordertopleasesomesortof counselorwho,wehope,canultimatelymakesome organizedsenseofourlives.Iwonder. Thesimplifiedexplanationsoflifebuiltuponuncaring fathersandoverprotectivemothersandexpectablefeelings

mayhavesomevaluebecausetheymakeusbelievethatwe haveahandleonwhywearethewayweare.Butthey aren'ttrue.I'mreallyverysorrytoputitsobluntly.They aren'ttrue.Theyaresimplefairytalesaboutwhowewere andare.Therealityissomuchricherandmorecomplex thanthesecaricaturesthatalittlegenuinereflectionwill showthemtobeimaginativescaffoldsforreconstructinga safelyunderstandablepast.Theremayverywellhavebeen anoverprotectivemotherinyourpast.Butherexistenceis nosinglevariableexplanationofyourlackofself confidenceoryourcurrentdifficultieswithyourofficepals oryourfightswiththekids.Whatyoufeltthenandwhat youfeelnowandwhatyouwillfeeltomorrowareso complexlydetermined(asmuchbywhatyouhavedoneas bywhatothershavedonetoyou)thattobuyintoany simplepsychodynamicexplanatorysystemisrather childlikeandnaive. Itoccurstomethatthenewsmediahavehelpedperpetuate theseoversimplifiedviewsofourselvesandourworld. WhenIaminterviewedontelevisionthenewspersonor talkshowhostwantstoknowthesingleproblemwith mentalhospitals.Whatisthecauseofneuroticsuffering? Whatarethethreereasonswhypeoplekillthemselves? Broadcasttimeandprintspacearelimited.The complexitiesofrealityaren'twhatpeoplewanttohearand readorsomanymediapeopleseemtothink.Television, radio,andnewspapersseemalwaystoneedsomething immediate,somethingunusual.Newsshowsmeetthat

need,asdosportseventsandcallinshowswithtopical themes.Suchprogrammingisephemeral.Itisn'texpected toprovideindepth,lastinginformation.Instead,itwill soonbereplacedbyspotreportingofotherrecentevents. Thelongtermview,thehistory,thepanorama,are relegatedtoabriefbackgroundstatement.Theresultisan oversimplificationinourunderstandingandinour approachtounderstanding.Butthereisadifferentareain whichsimplificationisnotonlypossible,butdesirable. Considerthepossibilityofsimplyacceptingthefeelingsand moodsandemotionalreactionstoeventsastheyare.No needtotrytomakerationalsenseofthem.Noneedto fathomtheirhistoricalroots.Noneedtopausetoreflecton whethertheyarenormalornot.Noneedtoexaminewhat yououghttobefeelingaccordingtosomeoneelse's expectation.Itisstrangetocallthisperspectiveradical. Butinthisdayandageitisradicaltoconsiderfeelingsto benaturalphenomena,liketemperaturechangesorleaves fallingfromtreesinautumn.Wewouldpreferthatfeelings bemoreliketrafficlightspredictable,controllable,and dependableifwepaceourlivesproperlyandrationally.But theexperienceofemotionisn'tmechanicalinanysimple way,likeatrafficlight.Totrytoexertdirectcontrolover ourfeelingsbasedonsomepsychologicalunderstandingis, inanyexactsense,fruitless. Sowheredoesthatperspectiveleaveus?Arewedestinedto bebuffetedaboutbyeveryemotionalgust?Canwemakeno senseatallofwhywefeelaswedo?Arewedoomedto

passiveresignationintheareaoffeelings?Notatall. Whateverperspectiveweadoptintellectually,weall continuetomakesomeroughsenseofwhywearegrouchy thismorning,whywearetensewhengreetingthemailman today,whythetearscametooureyesduringthatmovie episode.Ourattemptstounderstandgiveusideasabout whatweneedtodoinourlives,whatneedstobechanged inordertoreduceorincreasethelikelihoodofcertain feelings. Nevertheless,thereisagreatdealofslippagebetween whatweunderstandaboutourfeelingsandwhatactually causesthefeelings.Andthereisslippageagainbetween whatweunderstandaboutourfeelingsandwhatwecan andwilldoabouttheconditionsthatcontributetothem. WhatIamarguingforhereis,Isuppose,asortofhumility aboutourfeelings.Withallourfinepsychologicaltheories wesometimesdeludeourselvesintobelievingthatwereally knowagreatdealaboutwhatisgoingoninouremotional lives.Theemotionallivesofnotafewpsychotherapistsand counselorsinmyacquaintancebeliethisbelief.Weknow verylittle. WhatiscertainisthatIamsometimesthis,sometimes that.Sometimespleased,sometimesnot;sometimes confident,sometimesnot;sometimescompassionate, sometimesnot.Theicedoesn'tmeltatmywhim.Itdoesn't meltnomatterhowwellIunderstanditsoriginsorbelieve Iunderstanditsorigins.Itmaynotmeltdespitemy persistenteffortstochangethecircumstancesthatIbelieve

tobemaintainingit.Insuchcaseswhatelseistheretodo butshiverandgoonaboutliving? Giventhattheaboveperspectivemoreaccuratelydescribes whatisgoingoninouraffectiveoremotionallives,whygo tothetroubletoconsiderfeelingsfromthisunusualpoint ofview?First,wenolongerneedtowasteeffortandenergy tryingforsomeelaborateintellectualinsight.Somepeople willopttoseekpsychodynamicinsightwhetheritis practicallyusefulornot,simplybecauseitisinteresting.No problemthere.Positiveandcreativeresultscancometo thosewhoplaywiththesymbolsofthepsyche.Butthatis notanendeavorof"cure,"itisexploration.Second,the energyoncedevotedtoseekingdeepunderstandingofthe hiddenselfcanberedirectedtowardthemoreworkableand controllableaspectoflifewhatwedo.Itisn'tnearlyas muchfuntodiginandcleanupourbehavioralact,butthe resultsaregratifyinganddependable. Asaconsequenceofadoptingthisperspectiveonfeelings webegintoacceptthemratherthantryingtocontrol, create,ordissolvethem.Webegintoseethemasnatural consequencesofeventssometimesrecognizedand sometimesnot,butalwaysnatural.Naturalmeansnotgood orbad,justnatural.Whenalionkillsanddevoursitsprey itmaynotbeaprettysight,butthelionisn'tbadfordoing whatitisnaturalforlionstodo.Lionshaven'ttherational, thoughtfulcontroloverbehaviorthatwehumanscan choosetoassertoverourownacts.Adepressionmaybe painfultoendureandhurtfultowatchinsomeoneelse,but

thehopelessandsorrowfilledfeelingsaren'tbad.Theyare natural.Wemayusemedicationtoeasethesuffering(just aswemayfeedacagedlion),butthereremainsadegreeof sufferingthatmustbelivedwithwhileonegetsonabout shovelingawaythesnowonone'sdoorstep.Andremarkably often,whenwegetinvolvedintheshoveling,welosesight ofthesorrowandhopelessness. Thisnewpointofviewallowsafreedomandselfacceptance ofgreatdepth.Myfeelingsareanaspectofme.Idon'tneed tounderstandthemfullyorto"solve"orto"dissolve"them somehowinordertogetonwithmylife.IamthewayIam, naturally.Whileworkingtoimprovemybehaviorthereis noneedtostrugglewiththedoubtsandobsessionsand despair.Theyareallnatural,justastheyare.Theyaren't myresponsibility;theyarejustpassingthrough.Iamnot substandardorabnormalforhavingthesethoughtsand feelings.Theyareallrightastheyare.IamallrightasI am.Nowtogetonwithshovelingthewalk. TheEssenceofConstructiveLiving WhataretheabsolutelyessentialelementsofConstructive Living?Whatdefinesitasauniquelifewayortherapeutic method?Howdoesoneknowwhetheratechniquefits withintheframeworkofConstructiveLiving? Letmesayafewwordsaboutwhatisnotessentialto ConstructiveLiving.AsfarasIcanseetherearesome characteristictechniquesbutnospecifictechniquesthat areessential.WecandoConstructiveLivingwithoutdoing

absolutebedrestasinJapan'sinpatientMoritatherapy andwithoutseatedmeditationasinJapan'sConstructive Livingreciprocity.WecandoConstructiveLivingwithout diaryguidanceorreadingassignments. ThereisnothingparticularlyJapaneseaboutConstructive Living.Itisn'tnecessarytouseforeignwordslike shinkeishitsuortorawareorevenMoritaorYoshimoto. Thereisnorequirementthatourstudentsbeinterestedin ZenorthingsJapanese. Sowhatisleft?AsfarasIcanseethereareafewessential principles,orientations,andasmallclassoftechniques thatconstitutethecoreofConstructiveLiving. 1.Principles 1.Realityfocus Realitymustbeacceptedasitis.Feelingsareanatural partofreality.Itfollowsthattheymustbeaccepted, withoutdirectstruggle. BoththeactionelementofConstructiveLiving(from Moritatherapy)andthereciprocityelementofConstructive Living(fromNaikantherapy)askustolookatreality.They arerealistic.Andbothleadustoactonreality.Itisn't enoughtoponder,toruminate,tointellectualize,to imagine.Wemusttakewhatweknowintotheworldand applyitinordertokeeplearning,growing,living. Somesufferingintheworldisbasedonrealproblems.

Somesufferingisbasedonexcessiveselffocusand experientialignorance.Thesolutiontothelattersuffering isexperiencebasededucation. TheessentialgoalofConstructiveLivingistoseereality clearly.Wehaven'tpaidproperattention(Constructive Livingaction),haveinadvertentlymisperceivedit (ConstructiveLivingaction),orhaveselfishlymisperceived it(ConstructiveLivingreciprocity). AsideeffectofConstructiveLivingactionmaybereduction insymptomsorsuffering.Itmaybeanewappreciationof thecolorsandvarietyinnature.Asideeffectof ConstructiveLivingreciprocitymaybegratitudeorguiltor someotherfeeling.Itmaybearesolvetorepaytheworldor cleanupone'slifeorsweepthesidewalk.Butbothrequire ustorecognizeandencounterspecific,concrete,detailed reality.Theydiscourageoveruseofabstraction, generalization,andvagueness. 2.Action/experientialorientation ConstructiveLivingemphasizestheneedtoputwhatis learnedintolifeactivityeveryday.ConstructiveLiving actionandConstructiveLivingreciprocityaren'tstrategies whichultimatelyremoveusfromtheworldintosomenon productivewithdrawnexistence.Theyareattheirbestand mostusefulasweoperateineverydaylife. Behavioristhecontrollableaspectofreality.Itisthrough

purposeful,realisticbehaviorthatweworktochange reality.Weareresponsibleforwhatwedonomatterwhat wefeel.Afewphenomena(somepeopleincludetheminthe categoryofbehaviors)suchasstuttering,trembling,and impotencearenotdirectlycontrollablebythewill.Theyare consideredtobeuncontrollableexpressionsoffeelingsand mustbeacceptedastheyarewhilethestudentworkson controllablebehaviors. Attentionmustbefocusedonreality.Realityistheproper teacheroflife'slessons.Observationofrealityresultsin informationaboutwhatneedstobedone(i.e.,purposeful behavior).Whenwhatneedstobedoneisn'tclear ConstructiveLivingactioncansuggestonlytodowhatis clear.Thatispartofthereasonforthestructurednatureof Zenmonasteries.One'ssituation,whenproperly structured,presentswhatneedsdoinginrelativelyroutine andclearfashionsothatattentioncanbeinvestedindoing activitieswell.Thesimpleandorganizedlifereducesthe attentionnecessaryfordecidingwhatneedsdoing. TheConstructiveLivingapproachtotheissueofknowing whatneedsdoingincludestheorganizationand simplificationofMoritaandZenbutalsothemoral investigationofConstructiveLivingreciprocity. ConstructiveLivingreciprocityintrospectionhelpsusto discover,eveninthemostcomplexsituation,whatneedsto bedone.ConstructiveLivingreciprocityprovidesamoral compassfordeterminingwhatneedstobedone.Thenthe

ConstructiveLivingactionpracticehelpsusbecomepeople whoactuallydoit. Intellectualunderstandingmaybehelpfulonsomelevel, butactiongroundedexperientialunderstandingisof greaterdependabilityandbenefit.ActiononReality teachesTruth.Reflectiononthepastandplanningforthe futuremayprovideusefulinsightsandvaluable preparations,butexcessiveruminationanddaydreaming areselfcenteredandharmful. 3.Noself ConstructiveLivingshowsusnoself.ConstructiveLiving actionshowshowwemergewithourenvironments.Weare Reality'swayofgettingReality'sworkdone.Aswefit ourselvestothesituationsweencounterwebecomethe situations,harmonizedinawaythatreducesconflictand misery. 4.Foundationofreligion BothMoritaandYoshimotoremarkedthattheirtherapies aren'treligion,butthattheydirectustothefoundationof thereligiousimpulse.WebecomeabetterChristiansor JewsorMuslimsorBuddhistsforhavingstudiedthese lifeways. Questionssuchasthefollowingcommonlyarisefrom puttingConstructiveLivingprinciplesintolongpractice: WhydoestheworldtakecareofmeeventhoughIam

imperfect,makemistakes,causeothersdiscomfort?What causesmetowanttosucceed,tocriticizemyselfwhenIfail, toworryaboutsuccess?Whydopurposesemergeinmy mindtodirectmybehavior?Suchquestionscanbe consideredreligiousquestions.Neithertheactionaspectof ConstructiveLivingnorthereciprocityaspectof ConstructiveLivingattemptstoprovideanswerstosuch questions. 2.Orientations 1.Thelifeway,nottheteacher BothConstructiveLivingactionandConstructiveLiving reciprocityemphasizethemethodandnottheteacher.They directustodevelopourownpotentialwithoutdependence onsomeotherpersonwithsupposedlysuperiorpowers.The instructorismerelyaguide,asoundingboard,anadvisor. Zenteachers,too,talkaboutthefingerpointingatthe moon."I'monlythepointingfinger,"theysay,"notthe moon.Don'tconfusethetwo." Characteristicorientationsmarktheteacher/practitionerof ConstructiveLiving.Mostnotableisthelackofseparation betweentheteacher'slifeandthelifewayheorsheteaches. ConstructiveLivingisnotanapproachtohelpingothers thatisusedonlyintheofficesetting.Itpermeatesthelife. 2.Educationalmodel ThemodelunderlyingthepracticeofConstructiveLivingis

educational,notmedical.Weprefertousetermssuchas "student,""teacher,""guidance,""habit,""graduation,"and theliketotermssuchas"patient,""therapist,""healing," "symptom,"and"cure." Acceptanceisakeyattitudemodeledbytheteacher/guide. Genuineacceptancenaturallyleadstogratitudeanda desiretoserveothers.Constructiveactionisanaturalpart ofthewhole.Theguideisrealitycentered,reality confident. Duringtheteachingsessionstheguideisconstantly engagedinturningthestudent'sattentiontowardreality. 3.Representativetechniques CharacteristictechniquesareemployedinConstructive Living,butperhapsnosingletechniqueisessential.Any methodthatpromotesthestudent'sconstructivelearning fromrealitymaybeused. Experientialassignmentssuchascleaningapublicparkor telephoningforajobintervieworwritingaletterofthanks orshoppingforfreshvegetablesmaybemade.Dailyjournal assignmentsarecommonwithmultiplecolumnsand behaviorsrecordedseparatelyfromfeelings. Adetailedreviewofrecentbehaviorsandtheirresultsand quizzesaboutthedetailsofsurroundingshelpredirectthe student'sattentionawayfromfeelingcenteredselffocus.

ConstructiveLivinginstructorsoftenusetheprincipleof yielding,moreorlessasitisusedinthemartialarts. Ratherthanmeetingtheforceofthestudent's misconceptionsheadon,theinstructorusesthestudent's ownenergy,deflectingitinadesireddirection.For example,"Yousaythatyouareaperfectionist,butyou aren'tnearlyperfectionisticenough.Youhaven'tnoticedthe fireexitsinthisroom.Bemoreperfectionisticinyour observationofyoursurroundings.""Youcomplainofguilt, butwhatyoudotocausetheguilthasn'tchanged.Youneed moreguilt."Withtheseunexpectedremarksandthe subsequentchangesinbehavior,thestudentcomestoview mentalstatesasacceptableastheyare. Theteacher/guidemaylisten,advise,offerkoansfor reflection,assignreadings,takewalkswiththestudent,go shoppingwiththestudent,helpcleanthestudent'sroom andoffice,attendthestudent'sweddingceremony.Always theteacherreflectsrealitybacktothestudentand encouragesthestudenttorecognizeitandactonit positively. Conclusion OtherteachersofConstructiveLivingmightemphasize differentaspectsofthepractice,butIsubmitthatwewould agreeonthesecoreconceptsandmethods.Itisreassuring thatinordertoteachthislifewaytoothersweneednotbe perfectprovidedweareRealistic.

WhatitisthatWeTeach ConstructiveLivingisovertlyateachingpractice.Asa guide,Ihavesomethingtoteachmystudents:namely,a waytolivethatwillrelieveunnecessarysuffering.Itis importanttolistentothestudents'problemsand perspectivessothattheteachingcanbetailoredtotheir needsandexplainedsothattheywillbeabletounderstand andbeabletotryoutprinciplesinrealexperience.Thereis muchtolearninasession.Thereisnotimeforthetime filler"Howdoyoufeelaboutthat?"unlessthestudentis specificallyhavingtroublerecognizingandaccepting feelings.Complaintsandramblingdescriptionsof emotionalupsanddownsarediscouraged.Thegoalof ConstructiveLivingisnotunderstandingthedistant historicalsourceofourtroublingemotions. Somepeoplebelievethatwhentheyhavesome understandingofthechildhoodoriginsoftheirfeelingsthey willhavecontroloverthem.Thatimpressionisn'trealistic. Wehavenocontroloverthemunlessthatknowledgeleads tochangesofattentionandbehavior.Insightaloneis,for many,awayofavoidingmakingtheeffortful,sometimes painful,changesinbehaviorthatarenecessarytoproduce changedfeelingsandanimprovedconceptofone'sself. Thusitseemsreasonabletoacceptone'sfeelingsasthey are(ratherthanusingenergyandattentiontryingto analyzethem)andgetrighttoworkonattentionand behavior.However,suchacceptanceisnotpassive;westill worktochangeourcircumstancesforthebetter.Westill

makeeffortstoimprovethelotofthosearoundus.Butthe innerturmoilisgone.Theconflictwithinisnomore.Itis nolongermeopposingthiscondition.Itbecomesmehere doingthis.Thatisall.Thatissufficient. Thedoingiswhatisimportant,nottheresult.Fromthe ConstructiveLivingactionpointofview,noactismerely instrumental.Everyactisanendinitself.Thequalityof ourattentioninactioniscrucial.SometimesIworkhard andnothingseemstocomeoftheresultsofthework.Imay putinalotoftimeweeding,forexample,onlytofindanew cropofweedsspringingupwithinaweek.Oraraging forestfiremightdestroythecabinthattookyearstobuild. However,nothingcantakeawaythechangesinmy characterthatresultedfrommyfullattentiontothat weedingorthebuildingofthatcabin.Witheveryfully attendedactivityIamworkingnotonlyontheprojectat handbutonmyselfaswell.Behavioriswhatcounts.Not emotion.Noteventheresultsofbehavior.WhatIdoisthe onlythinginlifethatIcancontrol.Noonecanguaranteea lifeofgoodfeelings.Noonecanguaranteethatourefforts willbringtheresultsthatwehopefor.Wemustbeclearon whatisdoableandwhatisnot. Itseemsthatmostfolksmostofthetimesimplyget throughlife.Theirdaysarespentmerelypassingtimeuntil theweekendsoruntiltheirvacations.Theymarkafew outstandingeventsgraduationday,thetriptoHawaii,the daytheygotmarried,thebirthofachildbuttherestoflife isunremarkableandwithoutparticularmeaningforthem.

Howmuchricher,itseemstome,tobeabletothinkof everydayasimportant,everyactasrichwithmeaning. Suchanattitudeallowsonetolivelifeinsteadofmerely enduringit. IntheConstructiveLivingactioncontext,everyact providestheopportunityforpurposefulaccomplishment andpersonalgrowth.Everyactcaninvolvemomentsof directedattention.Pouringacupofcoffee,scrubbingthe bathtub,writingathankyounote,arrangingthepagesofa photoalbum,signalingaleftturn,settinganalarm,kissing alovedonealltheseactivitiescanbe,shouldbe,carried outwiththeclearfocusandscrupulouscaretheydeserve. Allwehaveisthatflowofattention.Ifwedonotuseitwith awareness,ifwedonotrecognizeitspervasivenature,then wemisusetheonlytreasurewehave,weloselife. Tobesure,itiseasiertoputouttheeffortwhenyoucome tounderstandsomethingaboutyourself,whenyouhavean emotionalhigh,whenyouenjoythemealyourlifepartner cooked,whenyouchooseliferatherthanselfdestruction. Butnooneelsecausesthesechoicesandexperiencesfor you.Nooneelsecontrolsthem.Nooneelsecontrolsyou. Yourresponsibility,yourcontrol,liesonlyinthesphereof yourownbehavior.Whatresultsisuptoyouandreality. Beinginchargeofyourselfisafulltimejob. Responsibilityisanimportanttopicforconsiderationhere. Itiscriticaltodistinguishbetweenunderstandingand condoning.Theformerhasnothingtodowith responsibility;thelatterassignsitelsewhere.Western

psychotherapy,initsattempttounderstanddisturbed behavior,bendsoverbackwardandendsupcondoningor excusinghurtful,destructiveacts.Lookatallthe extenuatingpsychologicalcircumstancesthataffectour criminaljusticesystem'sdecisions.InConstructiveLiving wearequiteclearontheboundarybetweenunderstanding andcondoning.Weseektounderstandandcondoneany feeling,anyfeelingatall.Thedesiretokillorsteal,fear, shyness,panic,sexualattraction,disgust,pride,joy, reverence,andsoforthareallequallyacceptable,thatis,to beacceptedastheyare.Thereisnothingwrongwithanyof thesefeelings.Theyarenotacts.Theymaycauseus discomfort,buttheydon'tdirectlyaffectanyoneelse. Ontheotherhand,weseektounderstand,butrefuseto condone,anyharmfulbehavior,nomatterwhatthe confusedandpowerfulfeelingsthatliebehindthem. Behavioristheonlywaywedirectlyaffectotherpeople.To feellikekillinganotherhumanisnaturalinsome circumstances;toactuallykillanotherhumaniswrong.I maywanttounderstandwhatisgoingthroughthemindof amurdererbeforethecrime,but,whateverheisthinking orfeeling,themurdercannotbecondoned.Itisquitea relief,actually,whenwerealizethatwehaveno responsibilityforourfeelings.Theyareuncontrollable;they arenatural;theyneedonlybeacceptedastheyare.Still, wemusttakeclearresponsibilityforwhatwedo,andwe mustholdothersresponsibleforwhattheydo.Ifwefailto

doso,weruntheriskofjustthesortsofinjusticesthat appearinthenameofjusticeinourcourtseveryday. Whenthecourtspunishparentsforacrimecommittedby theirchildren,thereasonforthepunishmentshouldnotbe thattheyareresponsiblefortheirchildren'sbehavior.They arenot.Eachofusisresponsibleforhisorherown behavior,evenchildren.Thepunishmentisjustified becauseoftheparents'improperparenting.Theirbehavior wasatfaultandnottheirlackofcontrolovertheir children'sbehavior.Canyouseehowimportantthe differenceis?Toholdoneofusresponsibleforanother's behaviorismeaninglessfortheoneanddemeaningforthe other.Isimplycannotcontrolwhatyoudo.Youcannotbe absolvedofresponsibilityforwhatyoudo.Itisassimpleas that. II.ConstructiveLivingandFeelings MovingAhead WhenyouawakenatfourA.M.andcan'tgobacktosleep, whatdoyoudo?Whenyouareangeredandfrustratedby injusticescommittedbypowerfulpeopleinyourlife,what doyoudo?Noticethatevenifyouunderstandthereasons forthesleeplessnessorfortheanger,theconditionsdon't goaway.Evenifyoumakeeveryefforttowillyourselftobe sleepyortobecalm,youcannot. WhenyouawakenatfourA.M.andcan'tgobacktosleep, whatdoyoudo?Whenyouareangeredandfrustratedby

injusticescommittedbypowerfulpeopleinyourlife,what doyoudo?Noticethatevenifyouunderstandthereasons forthesleeplessnessorfortheanger,theconditionsdon't goaway.Evenifyoumakeeveryefforttowillyourselftobe sleepyortobecalm,youcannot. TheotherdayIwasworkingwithmypersonalcomputer, tryingtogetittoprintsomethingstoredinitsmemory.I madesomeentriesfromthekeyboard,butnothing happened.Itriedanothersetofentries;stillitdidn'twork. Itriedrepeatingtheprocess,pushingthekeysagainand again.Howannoying!Itoughttowork!Ifoundmyself pushingharderonthekeysinanattempttoexertmywill onthecomputer.Butitwasn'tprogrammedtofunctionin thatway.Thecomputerdidn'tcarethatIwasangryand tryingtoimposemywillonit. Realizingmyfoolishness,Itriedyetanotherwaytoget aroundtheobstacle,andthistimeeverythingransmoothly. Fascinating!Itwasnecessarytodiscovertheproperaction, thenallproceededinanorderlyfashion.Nomatterhow intentanddeterminedIwas,nomatterhowmuchIdesired theresult,nomatterhowemotionalorhowcoolItriedto become,thecomputerrespondedonlytomyactions.UntilI didwhatneededtobedone,theresultswereunsatisfactory. Likethecomputer,theworldaboutmerespondstomy behavior.Itcan'tfeelmyfeelings.Realitydoesn'trespondto mywillormywishesormyemotions.Tobelievethat positivethinkingchangestheworlddirectlyischildlike naivete.Tobesure,mythoughtsandfeelingsmayinfluence

whatIdo(mybehavior),andthataction,inturn,may influencereality.ButitiswhatIdothataffectsmyworld. Anditisthesameforyou. Itfollowsthatifyouwanttomakechangesinyour marriageorinyourjoborinyourgradesatschoolorin yourcharacter,youmustchangewhatyouaredoing.You don'tneedtochangehowyoufeelaboutsomethingtoaffect it.Forexample,ifyouwantclosertieswithyourspouse, youdon'tneedtobeginbylovinghimorhermore.Ifyou wanttohavemorefriends,youdon'thavetobeginby feelinglessshyormoreselfconfident.Changesbeginwith action. FeelingsareforFeeling Youwon'tseemecryinpublic.It'snotthatI'mcoldand insensitive.It'snotthatI'msuppressingfeelingsor ignoringthemorpretendingI'mnotfeelingwhatIam.I haveachoicewhethertoletothersinonwhatI'mfeeling. MostlyIchoosenottodoso.WhenIcry,I'dprefertobe alone. Somementhesedaysarebeingcriticizedbyfactionsof womenandothermenfornotbeingexpressiveoftheir emotions.Thosecriticismsarebasedonunrealistic assumptions.Hereareafewofthem: Criticsassumethattheonlytwopossibilitiesforhandling feelingsistoexpressthemorsuppressthem.Thethird alternativerecognizingthem,acknowledgingthemwithout externalexpression,andgettingonwithdoingwhatneeds

doingisn'tconsidered,eventhoughthatthirdalternative istheoneweallutilizemostofthetime. Criticsdon'tseemtorealizethatbothsexesholdback expressionoffeelingsmostofthetime.Wecannotbe botheredwithexpressingeveryfeelingwhichpopsupinour psyches,nordootherswishtobebotheredwithanongoing reportofourfluctuatingmoodstate.Itwouldbeaburden onotherstohavetoputupwithastreamofmessages aboutourfeelings.Weallhideourfeelings,ifyouwill.If youlookcloselyatthecomplaintsaboutnonexpressionof feelingsbymalesyouwillseethatthecriticscallforthe increasedexpressionofonlycertainkindsoffeelingsin certaincircumstances.Anger,sorrow,vulnerability,andthe likeareprimarilytargeted.Ihaveneverunderstoodwhy theseparticularfeelingsshouldbedisplayedforotherson demand.Isuspectthattheattempttocoercemalesinto expressingthesefeelingsinsocialcontextsisanattemptat somesortofsocialleveling,adistortedeffortbythecritics togetsomesocialconfirmationoftheirownfeelings.But feelinganyfeelingisallright.Wedon'tneedtobe reassuredthatothershavethesefeelings,too.Theydo. Icontinuetobeintriguedthatpeoplebelievetheyhave secretfeelingsknownonlytomentalhealthprofessionals whoarecapableofputtingtheirclientsintouchwiththose feelings.Thatbeliefisnotsodifferentfrombelievingthat anyonecouldbeunwittinglypossessedbydevilswhichcan beexorcisedbysomereligiousprofessionals.Interestingly, thefeelingswhichwearesupposedtohavelurkinginour

psychesareuniformlyunpleasantones.Whycan'twegetin touchwithourhiddenjoy?Whycan'twediscoverwe've beenhappyalltheseyearswithoutknowingit?Soundssort offoolishdoesn'tit?Ifsuchapsychotherapydoesn'texist already,itisprobablyonitsway. WithrareexceptionsWesternpsychotherapydoesn'tvalue individualexperiencewhileclaimingthatitdoes.Whatit valuesisinterpretedindividualexperience.The interpretationmustbeprovidedbyoratleastvalidatedby amentalhealthprofessional.Ratherthanacknowledging thefullimplicationsoffeelings,forexample,muchof Westernpsychologicalcounselingseemstotrivializeand discountfeelings.Whenfeelingsareconsideredtobe merelymarkersofpastparentalmistakesorsignsof currentpsychologicaldiagnosticcategoriesorindicationsof theworkingoftheunconscious(orothermystical, untestableconstructions)thenthefeelingsthemselvesare primarilytokensof"moreimportant"phenomena.Itis importanttorecognizethevalueoftheexperiencedfeeling itselfandtheinformationitbrings.Whenoneisengagedin fightingafeelingor"curing"itscausethefocusremainson escape.Inordertoderivefullbenefitfromafeelingitmust beaccepted,incorporatedintomomentarylifeexperience, notresisted. ItincreasinglyappearsthatmuchofWesternpsychological counseling(bothpsychodynamicandbehavioral)aimsat littlemorethandistractionfromgenuineandnatural emotionsthroughspecializedcognitivemaneuvering.Itis

timethatwestoppedtryingto"fix"feelingsandgotonwith themoreimportantandpracticalobjectiveoffeeling feelingsandlearningfromthemwhileengagingin purposefulbehavior. Somedaywe'lllearnthatfeelings,anyandallfeelings,are forfeeling. AlternativesforIndulgence IntheWesternworldwewentfromemotionalilliteracyto anobsessiveconcernofemotionsovertheperiodofa hundredyearsorso,especiallyasaresultofFreud's influence.Thefeelingfocusofmodernculturecovers laziness,sloppythinking,rationalization,andself indulgence.Maybetherewasatimewhenmanypeople didn'trecognizewhattheywerefeelingmuchofthetime, butnowthereisanoveremphasisonfeelingsasthemost importantelementofhumanlife.Somepeopleseemtobe attendingprimarilytotheirownfeelings,buildingtheir livesaroundthem.Whatweneedthesedaysisnottogetin touchwithfeelings,buttogobeyondtherealityoffeelings alone,andtogetintouchwiththelargerrealityof circumstances. Considerhowtheword"feeling"hasspilledoveritsnatural boundariesintootherareasofhumanexistence.Some speakerssay,"Ifeellikeahamburgerforlunch."Others say,"Ifeelthatshedidcommitthecrime."InJapana majoradvertisingcampaigncenteredonthephrase"Ifeel Coke."Psychotherapistsusetheveryconvenienttimefiller

query,"Andhowdoyoufeelaboutthat?"Howlazywehave become!Howundisciplinedinthoughtandbehavior! ConstructiveLivingdoesn'taskanyonetogiveupfeeling. Butwemustbewareofoverindulgingthefeelingsideofour lives.Whenwefocusonemotionsexclusivelyother importantaspectsoflivingareneglected.Wemustbalance ourawarenessoffeelingswithattentive,purposefulaction intheworld."Everymanfeelsinstinctivelythatallthe beautifulsentimentsintheworldweighlessthanasingle lovelyaction,"wroteJamesRussellLowell. ConstructiveLivingrecommendsthatweattendtoeventhe smallesttasksofdailylifewithmindfulattention.Somesee adangerthatConstructiveLivingmightturnattentionto trivial,insignificantactsallowinganescapefrom importanthumantasks.Idoubtit.Theremaybeshort termescapefromsomeoflife'sunpleasantnessbyfocusing ondoingdailylifewell,butweeventuallytireofescaping intootherlifetasks.Thereissomethinginushumansthat callsustomorethantriviality. Untilrecentlyweseemedtohavethetwoalternativesof (1)individualfreedomwithalltheconcomitantsocialills teenagesuicides,violence,crime,unwantedpregnancies, socialunrestor(2)socialcontrolwithincreasing restrictionstoprotectandcontrol.Now,through ConstructiveLiving,weareofferedathirdpossibilityof freedomintheareasthataregenuinelyfreeandself controlintheareasthatrequirepersonalandsocial responsibility.ConstructiveLivingdoesn'tmakeiteasyto

giveupsmoking;itdoesn'tproducelawsthatmakeit difficulttosmoke.Itmerelytellsyouthatthedesireto smokeisuncontrollableandthat,regardlessofthatdesire, yousmokeoryoudon't.Noticethatthereisnotalkhereof decidingtogiveupsmokingormakingacommitmentto quitsmokingorgettingmotivatedtostopsmoking.You stoporyoudon't.Thatisreality.Therestisjustsmoke talk. Before,itseemedthatwehadthealternativeofexpressing feelingsorsuppressingthem.Thealternativeswere couchedintermsofopenhonestportrayalofemotionsor dishonestunhealthycensoringofthem.Asnotedabove,the thirdalternativepresentedbyConstructiveLivingis honestrecognitionandacceptanceoffeelingswithoutthe requirementofbehavioralexpressionofthem. Overthepasttwentyfiveyearsrealityhasdemonstrated thatConstructiveLivingisnotonlyaneffectivemethodfor copingwiththesufferingofexistingneuroses,butitcanbe usedtopreventneurosisandminimizethenegativeeffects ofstress.ThereasonsforConstructiveLiving's effectivenessareclear.ConstructiveLivingisrealisticand practical.Nooneisassertingthatitiseasy. BrainResearchEvidence AsRichardRestak,aneurologist,wroteintheWashington Post"wearewhatwedoratherthanwhatwethink, fantasizeorotherwiseinwardlyexperienceabout ourselves...Wearetrulyourselvesonlywhenweact."He

baseshisassertiononrecentbrainresearchbyBenjamin LibetatUCSFwhichindicatesthatsubjects'brainsshow activitymillisecondsbeforetheybecomeconsciousof "choosing"toflextheirforefingers.Moreover,thesubjects canchoosenottoflexduringthemillisecondsbetweentheir awarenessoftheirintentiontomoveandtheactualflexing. Theabilitytovetothebrain'sdecisionmaybethelocusof freewill,accordingtoLibet. ThetheoreticalimplicationsforConstructiveLivingare worthconsidering.FordecadesConstructiveLivingaction theoryheldthatthoughts,feelings,andothermental eventsarenaturalphenomena,notcompletelyunderour consciouscontrol.Theyarenaturalandspontaneous responsesarisingfromourenvironments,histories,andso forth.Nowwebegintoseesomeneurophysiological evidencefortheConstructiveLivingactionassertion.The naturalenvironmentofourmindsincludesourbrain activity.Thebrainrespondsnaturallyandspontaneouslyto theRealitythatpresentsitself.Thenthebraingenerates impulsesthatweinterpretasthoughts,feelings,decisions, andthelike. ConstructiveLivingtheoryholdsthatthelocusofcontrolin ourlivesliesinbehavior.Wedefinewhowearebywhatwe do.Acceptingthoughts,feelings,moods,andothermental eventsisouronlyrecourse;theyaren'tcompletelywithin ourcontrol;whatelsecanwedobutacceptthem?To strugglewiththeundefeatableistoplayalosinggameof life.Nowthereisscientificevidencesupportingthetheory

generatedfromhumanexperience.Thecontrolandfreedom inourlivesdoescomethroughwhatwedo. ItissatisfyingtofindscientificsupportforConstructive Livingprinciples.Butscientifictheorychanges. ExperimentalrefutationsofLibet'sproceduresmayappear infuturereports.Ourexperienceprovidessolidsupportfor ourunderstandingsthatmentaleventsaren'ttotally controllablebyourwillandthatwithinthedomainof behaviorliespersonalfreedomandcontrolofourlives. SearchingfortheSource Bynowyouarefamiliarwiththenotionthatfeelingsare naturalaspectsofReality.Ifwetakethetroubletosearch, wecanfindanatural,understandablesourceforany feeling.Onesourceofanyanxiousfeeling,forexample,isa strongdesire.Anxietyaboutfailingcomesfromastrong desiretosucceed.Anxietyaboutmeetingpeoplecomesfrom astrongdesiretobelikedandrespected.Thestrongerthe positivedesire,thegreateristheanxietyassociatedwithit. ThelateDr.TakehisaKora,aMoritatherapistinTokyo, wroteonthissubjectingreatdetail.InConstructiveLiving wesometimesaskourstudentstolookforthepositive desireunderlyingtheirspecificfearsandworries.When theydiscovertheunderlyingconstructivedesirestheyare betterabletoacceptthenaturalnessoftheanxieties,too. Butthesearchforthedeep,hiddenoriginsofour unpleasantfeelingsisn'talwayssoimportant.Whetherwe discoverthesourceornot,allfeelingsarenaturalresultsof

ourlifesituations.Recognizeitornot,acceptitornot, emotionsarenomorethananothernaturalaspectofour lifereality.Wemaysurveyourfeelings,however,todiscern whethertheyarepointingtowardsomenecessaryaction. Theattitudeofacceptanceoffeelingsismuchmore importantthanthesearchfortheirdeeporigins. Acceptanceputsemotionsinproperperspective.Theyoccur, werecognizethem,andwegoonaboutdoingwhatitis necessarytodoinourlives.Infact,thesearchforthedeep sourcesofourfeelingscanfalselyvalidateanimportance theyneednotcarryinourlives.Thesearchcandistractus fromtheconstructivebehaviorsthatlierightbeforeour eyes.Haven'tyoumetpeoplewhoaresocaughtupin discoveringthehiddensourcesoftheirdistressingfeelings thattheirlivesappeartobeatastandstill?Theyareso involvedinintrospectionthattheirhousesaren'tcleanand theirofficesareclutteredwithworkundone. Creativeartists,however,mayfinditusefultoexploretheir feelingsindetailinordertodiscovernoveltiesworth expressingintheirwork.Laypeople,too,maywishto exploretheirfeelingsforthesheerfascinationofthe intricacytobefoundthere,theconnectionswiththerestof reality.Nevertheless,suchahobbymustbekeptin perspectiveandbalancedwithconstructive,purposeful action.Failuretodosowillinevitablyleadtoaimless wanderinginthelabyrinthsofthemind,aselfishand ultimatelyunsatisfyingpreoccupation.

Formostofusitissufficienttoaccepttheemotionsthat surface,checktoseewhethertheysuggestsomenecessary action(pain,forexample,maytellustogetourhandsoff thehotstove),actappropriatelytothecircumstances,and getonaboutnoticingandrespondingtootheraspectsof reality. III.ConstructiveLivingandtheMind Silence Itseemstomethatpeoplekeepburyingtheirthoughts underadelugeofinformationinput.Manypeopleturnon theradiointheircarorathomeoratworkandleaveiton asasortofdefenseagainstlisteningtotheirownthoughts. Whattheirownmindsmightchurnupisforthem frighteningoruninteresting,withoutvalue.Televisionand novelsservethesamepurposeofdistractionforsome. Oneoftheprivilegesofbeingawriteristhatlongperiods arespentquietlywithone'sownmind.Akindofintimacy developsinthesilence.Onelearnsthemind'sfoiblesand strengths.Onecannotdevelopsuchanintimacywithone's mindwhilewatchingtelevisionorconversingorplaying football.Isolationandsilencearenecessary.Meditation offerssuchbenefits;sodolongprivatewalksinthewoods. Gettingtoknowourselvesinsecludedsurroundingsin silenceisaworthwhileendeavor.Wediscoverfacetsthat neverturnupbythelightofavideoscreen.

Inourextendedassociationwithtelevision,film,andradio wesufferfromadistortionoftime.Welivevicariously throughthecharactersofdramasandcomedies.Wesuffer theirpainandadopttheirsolutionstotheiradversities.We areexposedtoawidespanoflifeproblemsandremedies, morethananyotherpeopleatanyothertime.Butthese mediahouseddifficultiesemergeandtheirresolutionstake placewithinhours.Wemaycometoexpectrapidreliefof ourownlifepredicaments,too.Thepaceofourlivescannot acceleratetoequalthatofthemedia. ThefogsoftenstheviewfrommyCoosBaywindowthis morning.Thegreensgraduallyshifttograysandbrowns andwhite.Byafternoonthefogbankwillsoundlessly recedeovertheoceanagain,anddampleaveswillglisten silvergreen.Justnoticeandappreciatewhatisthere,and waitfortheinevitablechange.Dipintotimelessness. TyingShoelacesasaSpiritualPractice Therearemanywaystotieshoelacesbowknots,double bowknots,squareknots,grannyknots,andsoforth.The tyingoftheknotisaspiritualpracticewhateverknotis used.Whethertheknotistiedmindfullyornot,whether theknotistiedwithrecognitionthattheactisspiritualor not,theactis,nevertheless,spiritual.Everyactisso. Nothingneedbeaddedtoanactorincorporatedintoanact tomakeitspiritual.Allactsarespiritualjustastheyare. Realitycannotbedividedconceptuallyintospiritualand nonspiritualcategoriestoanyusefulend.Itisallsacred.It

isallholy.Realityiswhatitis.Recognizeitornot.The cricketischirping,thecarsroarpastthewindow. Why,then,inConstructiveLivingdoweencouragemindful, attentiveaction?Ifitisn'tthemindfulnesswhichmakesan actholy,ifanymethodofshoelacetyingisasacredact,why gotothetroubletotieshoeswell,withfullattention?The answerissimple:holyactivitiesdeservetoberecognizedas such.Wecanignorethepainthatourbirthscausedour mothers,butthepainexistednevertheless.Wecan thoughtlesslyslamthecarintogearoreaseitgentlyinto gearwithgratefulattention,butthecarcontinuestoserve us. Soifyouwalkinsideanedificeandvoicesbecomehushed andfacesshowaweandreverence,thosevoicesandfaces showhowcarelesslytheirownersviewtherealityoutside thatedifice.Nowhereisholierthananywhereelse.Itisall holytheshoelaces,thetemples,thecricket,thecarsallof it. Someonewillsurelysay,"That'sanadmirableideal,but humansaren'tcapableofseeingeverythingasholy.Sowe selectsomerepresentativeobjectsforveneration."Itistrue thatwehumanscan'tseetheholinessineverythingallthe time.Yetwemayhavemomentsofseeingshoesandtoilet seatsandkeysandcupsasholyiftheyaren'texcludedfrom thatcategorybydesignatedtemplesandcrossesandaltars. Oureyesdon'tmakerealityholy,ouractionsdon'tmake realityholy,itsimplyisthatway.Howreassuring!Because sometimesweforget.

OnceIboughtahairdryerasabirthdaygiftforafriendon theverydayheroldhairdryerbroke.ThenextdayasIwas ridingatrainIhadapremonitionthatanearbypassenger wouldspillsomethingonmyslacksandshedid.The Japanesecallsuchoccurrences"fushigi."Thatwordcanbe translatedas'marvelous'or'wondrous.'Oureverydaylives arefilledwithmarvelousevents,butwetakethemfor granted.Wheredothefreshmomentsweexperiencecome from?Wheredoourthoughtscomefrom?Wheredothe wordswespeakcomefrom?Wheredoestherichvarietyof realitycomefrom?Howisitthatrealityprovidesthis particularchairformycomfort,thisairconditioner,this wordprocessor,theseslippers?Thevasteffortsofothersin ourbehalfarereadilydiscoveredwithalittlereflection,but theyarenonethelessmarvelous.Itisthissenseofwonder aboutordinarylifewhichcharacterizesthestudentof ConstructiveLiving.Aswehaveseen,thereisnoreligious separationoflifeintotheholyandmundanesabbathand weekday,priestandlayperson,worshipandwork,prayer andconversation,templeandhouse.Itisallholy,ifyou wishtousesuchaterm. Iwanttoputthemysteryandtranscendencebackintoour perceptionofeverydayrealitywhereitbelongs.Wecanonly seerealityas"ordinary"byignoringitsmagnificence.And soIresistmakingConstructiveLivingintoaformof therapy,likeMoritatherapyandNaikantherapy.Iwant theseConstructiveLivingideastobenatural,normalparts

ofeverydaylifenotsetapartasspecialtechniques applicableonlytoneurotic,sufferingpeople. Religion,also,hastoomuchbecomethedomainofthe"set apart."Forthemostparttheinstitutionalizedreligionsof ourdayhavebecometalkshowswithministersandpriests inhierarchiesoftalkshowhosts.Religiouspractitioners talktoomuchabouttalking.Toolittledotheytalkabout experiencingtheirfaith;toolittledotheygroundtheir beliefsineverydayreality. Mysecondfundamentalquarrelwithorganizedreligionhas todowithitsdivisiveness.Inthefirstplacereligiontends todividetheworldintothatwhichisholyorsacredand thatwhichisordinary,secular,mundane.EveninsomeZen centers(centerisamuchpreferabletermtotemple)where peopleshouldknowbetter,thereisanattitudeofreverence andaweasmembersenterthezendowherezazen meditationtakesplace.Thatsameattitudeisn'texhibited whenenteringthediningroomorcarsorthetoilet.That'sa fundamentalmistakefosteredbyreligion.Allofrealityis worthyofourdeeprespect. Asimilardivisivenessseparateshumansthemselvesinto sacredandsecularcategoriesandintohierarchieswithin thosecategories.Certainrolesarecreatedthatareset apartand(howeveritmaybedenied)setaboveotherroles. Theserolesaresignifiedbyspecialtitles(pope,bishop, D.Min.,anddressoftenthecolorsofrobeshave hierarchicalsignificance.Somereligiousleadersareserved

asthoughtheyalonewererepresentativesofsuperior beings(God,Buddha,etc.). Suchreligiouspigeonholingpromotesthenotionthatthe sacredistobeapproachedincertainplacesatcertaintimes throughthegoodofficesofcertainchosenpeople.Butthe sacredisaroundyou,isyou,allthetime,istime. "Once,theChurchunderstoodthis;theremustbea perpetualmysticism,perpetualexperience...'Praywithout ceasing'meanspraynow,inthepresentmoment."(p.76, quotedfromthejournalofFatherSylvaninNeedleman, 1980) "WhatthenistheConstructiveLivingattitudetoward 'highertruths?'"youmayask.Unfortunately,shouldyou presentsuchaqueryIhavenoideawhatyouareasking. Whichtruthsarehigherthanothers?Ifyouaretalking abouttruthswhichcannotbetestedbyexperiencein ordinaryrealitythenIsuspectthatyouhavenoideawhat youareasking.RobertHeinleinwrotesimilarviewsinTo SailBeyondtheSunset.Watchoutforpeoplewhotalk aboutuntestablespiritualtruths,hewarned,theyareafter yourmoney.And,"'EventuallyIlearnedthattheChurchis runsolelyforthebenefitofthepriesthood,notforthegood ofourpeople.'"(p.334)And,again,"'Butyoumustrespect anotherman'sreligiousbeliefs!'ForHeaven'ssake,why? Stupidisstupidfaithdoesn'tmakeitsmart."(p.373) Havingreadalltheabovecriticism,don'tgettheideathatI amagainstreligionaltogether.Isimplyopposethe thoughtless,automatic,selfservingreligionwhich

interfereswiththegenuineneedsofhumanstoseebeyond themselves.BothMoritaandYoshimotorecognizedthat theirapproachesbroughtseriousstudentstothedoorway oftruereligiousexperience,whateverformitmighttakefor theindividual.Theywereright.ConstructiveLiving,based ontheirinsights,offersthesameopportunity. GroomorGloom Appearanceisn'teverything,butitissomething.Haveyou everthoughttherewasnoneedtoshaveorputonmakeup onemorningbecausenoonewasgoingtoseeyouthatday anyway?Haveyoueverfailedtocomborbrushyourhair becauseyoufeltsomiserable?Haveyoueverlounged aroundinrobeandslipperswellintotheafternoon?Iwant topresentheretwodifferentperspectivesonwhysuch practicesarewrong;theperspectivescomefromtheaction andreciprocityaspectsofConstructiveLiving. YoumayhavereadtheConstructiveLivingactionmaxim "Behaviorwagsthetailoffeelings."InConstructiveLiving wepointoutthatouractionsinfluencehowwethinkand feel.Becausewhatwedoisthemostcontrollableaspectof ourlives(evenmorecontrollablethanthinking)weuseour actionstoprovidethesteadygroundworkforbuildingour lives.Althoughwemaynotfeellikekeepingourselveswell groomedwecandoit(withinthelimitsofanyphysical handicapswemighthave,ofcourse).Fromthisperspective, keepingourselvessprucedupissimplysomethingthat

needsdoing.Itwillhaveaneffectonotherfeaturesofour lives. Theissueofhypocrisymayarisehere.Aren'twelyingto otherswhenweputonagoodfaceevenwhenfeeling miserableorlazy?Isn'titbettertobetruetoourselves? Underlyingthesequestionsistheissueofuntruthfor personalgainattheexpenseofothers.Thatsortof hypocrisyisn'twhatconcernsushere.Groomingisjust doingthebestwecaninagivensituation.Thefactofthe matteristhatwemayfindourfeelingschangingtofitour newface.Conversely,sloppyattireandanunwashedface mayprovokemoregloom. Hereisanotherperspectiveonmaintainingapleasant appearancewhateverthepersonaleffectofkeeping ourselveswellgroomedmightbe,theworlddeservestosee uslookingourbest.Whatyouareabouttoreadmayappear strange,butIaskyoutoconsideritwithanopenmind. Let'sstartwiththemostacceptableargument.Maybeyour familymembershaveseenyoulookingterriblebefore,and theyloveyouanyway.Butyourfamilydeservestoseeyou lookingcleanandunrumpled.Consideryourappearancea sortofgift,aninitialpaymentonasocialloanfromyour lovedones,aloanyouneedtoworkatpayingoff.Takena stepfurther,thereischancethatsomeoneelsemightsee youortelephoneyouadeliveryperson,perhaps,ora neighbor.Andyourvoiceonthephonemightbeinfluenced byyourattireandpersonalgrooming.Theywenttothe

troubletocontactyou;theleastyoucandoisputyourbest faceforward. Again,thislineofthoughthasnothingtodowiththe effectsofaneatappearanceonyou,butitisaboutthe effectsofhowyoulookontheworldaroundyou.Nowcomes thestepthatmightseemodd.Evenifnoonehasanydirect contactwithyouatallthatdaythefurnitureandwallsand magazinesanddishesandwashbasinandwastebasketand allthoseobjectsaroundyoudeservetoseeyoulookingat yourbest.Buttheyhavenoeyes!Right.Andtheyarejust things;theyhaven'tearnedanyspecialtreatment!Partly right;theyarethings.Whethertheydeservespecial treatmentdependsonyourpointofview.Itwouldbehard toarguethatyourwashbasinandwastebaskethaven'tbeen usefultoyouinthepast.Itmightbeconvenienttoignore theirservicejustbecausetheydon'tmovearoundontheir ownandtalk.Itmightbeconvenienttoclassifyalargepart ofrealityas"objects"whichdon'tmeritthoughtful recognitionforserviceandsodon'tmeritanyreturnfrom us.Ourdebtsarereducedquitesimplythatway,ratherlike theimaginativenotionofdoingawaywiththenationaldebt bylegallyabolishingit.Thinkaboutit.Whetheryounotice itornot,acknowledgeitornotyouareserveddailyby numerouspeopleandthings. Sowe'veconsideredthisissueofgroomingfromacoupleof angles.Onewaytocheckoutthevalueofthesesuggestions istoverifythemthroughexperience.Theinvestmentis likelytobeworthyourwhile.

Broadminds Inevermetamindthatdidn'tjudge.That'swhatminds dotheydiscriminate,evaluate.Everybody'sminddoes that.Whatmakessomehumansstandoutfromothersis thattheydon'tlettheirjudgingmindspushtheirbehavior around. Ratherthanmakingeffortstoeliminatemental judgmentsanotherofthoseuselessstruggleswhichfocus needlessattentiononnaturalfunctionsofthemindsimply notethejudgmentsandgetonwithwhateverismore importanttobedoing.Bylivingconstructivelyweoutgrow suchnarrowmindedness.Gettingcaughtupinan obsessionwithperfectingthemindisitselfasortofnarrow mindedness.Suchpursuitsrestrictone'sopennesstothe supportingworld,one'sattentiontowhatneedsdoing,one's awarenessofnewinformation. Narrowmindedpeopledon'tmakebroadtheoriesorthink grandthoughts.Theytrytokeeptheirmindsundercontrol bymeansofonepatternthinking.Howdull!Themind shouldflownaturallyandfreewhiletheirbehaviorremains underrein. Oneofthewaysthemindtriestoexpandisbygathering information.Gatheringinformationseemsabasicgoalof humans.Wetraveltogetinformationaboutothers'customs andenvironments;wewatchnewsontelevision;weopen theenvelopesofadsevenwhenweknowwe'renotgoingto buytheproducts;weattendadulteducationclasses.Weare informationgatherersandsortersandevaluators.Our

mindsjustaren'tsatisfiedwithoutnewinformationand newproblemswithwhichtowork. Somethinginourmindscausesustosearchforreality,for truth.Wearefascinatedbyaccidents,bydisastersevenby thoseaspectsofrealitywhicharedisgustingorhorrifying. Wearedrawntorealityevenwhenitisunpleasantand painfulwewanttoknow,forexample,whenwehave cancerorwhenwearenotexpectedtolivemuchlonger. Thispushtoknowrealityunderliesbothoursearchwithin religionandourresearchwithinscience.Itpromptsusto readnewspapersandmagazines,towatchtelevisionandto telephonedistantfriends. Evenwhenoursourcesofinformationaboutrealityare patentlyunreliableoruntrustworthyordeliberatelybiased westillwanttoknowtherealityofthatfalseinformation. Howstrongisourdesiretoknowaboutthewaythingsare! Mindsseekchallenges,too.Isometimeswonderwhether thealcoholprobleminmiddleclassanduppermiddleclass menandwomenislesstiedtothemeaninglessoflifeasit istotheeaseoflife.Whenlifeproducesfewchallenges, whendailyroutineisrelativelyeasilymastered,ourminds maygenerateproblems.CanIdrinkandstillcarryoutmy life?CanIgetawaywiththisvicewithoutitsconsuming me?Maybeotherscan't,butIcanmeetthischallenge.If thishunchhassomemerit,thenitisimportanttooffer alternatestimuli,hurdles,topeoplewithalcoholabuse problems.Thementalexerciseinvolvedinlivinglifewith fullattentionmaybejustwhatisneeded.

Itisnoteworthythatpeoplewithalotofneuroticmoments seemtobeobsessedwithinternallygeneratedinformation. Theyfocusprimarilyondistressingdataabouttheirown feelings.Theynoticetheirfeelingcenterednessandthen judgeorcriticizethemselvesforbeingfeelingcentered. Thentheyfeelevenworse.Itmaytakesometimeforthem torealizethatfeelingisallright,noticingisallright, judgingisallright,criticizingisallright,andevenfeeling worseisallright.Whatisnotallrightislettingthese naturalfunctionsofthemindgetinthewayofdoingthe positive,constructivebehaviorswhichwillchangethefocus oftheirnaturalminds. Itmaybenarrowmindedtoattempttoconstructalife philosophyoutofthinkingonthesubject.Alifephilosophy istheproductofone'slife,nottheotherwayaround.We don'tchoosealifewayandthenlivebyit.Wegrowalife philosophyoveryearsoflivingone.Excessiverumination aboutlifepurposemaybeadistractionfromwhatneeds doingrightbeforeournoses.Thereisatimefordiscovering purposeandatimeforplanningactivities,butthenthereis atimetomoveontothenextimmediatetask. Flipflopgoesthelazymind.Peoplewithlazymindsdon't recognizethelimitsoftheirminds.Thentheyencounter someinformationwhichtellsthemtheyarelimitedbytheir thinking.Immediatelytheyturncompletelyaboutand thinkthattherearenobarriersexceptintheirminds. Similarly,whentheydiscoverthattheyarecapableofdoing somethingpreviouslythoughtimpossibletheybeginto

thinktheycandoanythingatall.Theythinkthat ConstructiveLivingisJapaneseorit'snot.Theysuspect thatConstructiveLivingmustbepsychotherapyornot. Theyholdthatthisconstructivelifewayishelpfulto everyoneorit'snothelpfultoanyone.Inlazymomentsour mindstrytoplayeitherorgamesofoppositionbecauseto dosoiseasierthantolookatscalesofgraypercentages. Oversimplificationthroughoppositionisatendencyweall needtocombatinordertoachievemoremomentsofbroad mindedthinking. Peoplewhosebroadmindedmentalproductsstandout fromthoseoftheirpeersintrigueus.Howamazingisthe varietyofhumanmentalactivity!Isometimesfeelan affinitytoiconoclaststoBankei,therebelZenMasterof the17thCentury,forexample.Iconoclastsdon'tmake themselves.Theyarejustdoingtheirbesttodescribethe worldasitlookstothem.Theeyesofthosearoundthem produceiconoclasts.Readingcanprovideamind broadeningexercise.Forexample,sciencefictioncanbe importantbyallowingustoseehumanityfromadistance orfromanalienoruniversalpointofview.Itisnotwe AmericansorweJapanese,butwehumans,weinhabitants ofthisplanet.Wellwrittensciencefictionstretchesand broadensthemind.

TheWorkingMind Generatingideas Mindsprocessinformation.That'swhatmindsdo.When thereisnoinformationtoprocessthemindinvents informationthroughafunctionwecallimagination. Amiddleagedladyfoundherselfbackinsocialcirculation. Sheputonmakeup,fixedherhair,dressedappropriately, thenworriedaboutwhatmighthappenatthepartythat night.Whatif?Wouldhe?Mightthey?Hermindwas generatingscenariostoworkon.Inafewhoursreality wouldgivehermindrealdatatoworkon.Inthemeantime hermindneededsomethingtodo.Shedidn'tknowabout keepingitbusywithrealinformationwhilewaitingforher escorttopickherup. Putyourselfinaquietroomlongenoughandyourmind willgeneratesounds.Putyourselfinadarkroomand,in time,youwillseethings.Putastationarylightinthatdark roomandyourmindwillimaginethelightismoving.The mindseeksinformationandwillgenerateitwhenenough isn'tforthcomingfromreality. Whenwedon'twanttobecarriedawaywithimaginingwe canassureaflowofrealitybasedinformationthrough properbehaviorandattentiontoattention.Movingour bodiesincreasesthelikelihoodofinputtinginformation fromrealityastrollthroughourneighborhoodorapark,a vacation,volunteerwork,attendingeveningclasses. Isolatingourselvesprovidesfruitfulopportunitiesfor

imaginationtowork.WhenIwrite,forexample,itisbest formetobealoneinaquietroom.But,ingeneral,whenwe wantlessimagining,itishelpfultobeinteractingwith otherpeople.Beingaroundotherswon'teliminatethe functionofimagination,butitwillgiveitsomerealistic informationtoworkon. Wecannoticeourhabitsofdaydreamingandour tendenciestoworryaboutillusoryincidents.Wehavesome controloverbringingourattentionbacktoourimmediate surroundings.Physicalactivityseemstohelp.Itishelpful tooutlineandunderlinepassagesinabookinordertokeep ourattentionfullyonthecontents.Itiseasierstillto refinishanantiquechairthantoread.Andsoforth.There issomethingaboutphysicalactivitythatfacilitatespulling ourattentiontorealityandawayfromimagination. AsIwalkthroughtheforestmymindseeksthevarietythat Natureprovides.Thenitlooksfortheorderlinessof pattern.Mymindneedsbothvarietyandorder.Isuspect thatyoursdoes,too.Realityprovidesbothvarietyand order,sodoesimagination. Generatingpreoccupations TorawareisaJapanesewordfornonacceptance,akindof artificialattachmenttooneaspectofrealityanda concomitantrejectionofotherelementsofnaturalreality. ThelateYozoHasegawa,aleaderintheMoritamental healthmovementinJapan,madeatheoreticalcontribution totheunderstandingoftorawarewhichmoveditoutofthe

narrowpsychiatricconcernforobsessionwithneurotic symptomsintothebroaderrealmofobsessionwithworkor loveorevenpreoccupationwiththerapeuticideas.Inother words,wecanbeobsessednotonlywithhandwashingor avoidingheights,butalsowithgettingaheadatwork,with findingamarriagepartner,withselfimprovement. Torawaremeansliterally"tobecaughtbysomething"in Japanese.Torawarenarrowsthespotlightofthemindto someaspectoflifeandshutsoutotheraspects.Itis contrastedwiththeopenacceptanceofrealityandthe flowingmindwhichmovesnaturallytoattendtoavariety ofstimuli.Theoppositeoftorawareisacceptanceandnon attachment.Torawareresultsfromapplyingsomeartificial mentalconstructtowhatis,andthenbeingmoreattracted totheconstructthantoreality.Itisasortofmental cloudingofone'svisionofreality. Weliveinacomplexworld.Therearemanypossiblegoals forus,manywaystoacttoachievethosegoals.Weare pulledbyallsortsofvoicesfromaboutusandwithinus.To moreorlesssinglemindedlyfocusinonasinglegoalor classofgoalsgivesdirectiontoourliving,evenwhenthat directionisdestructive.Fewpeopleseemtonoticethatone ofthealluresofdrugsisthesinglemindeddevotionto securingthem.Iftheaddictcanjustgetthenextfix,thatis sufficientinlife.Contrastthatgoalwiththemiddleaged businessmanaimingtopayoffdebts,buyanewcar,please hiswife,understandhischildren,keepfromgettingtoo flabby,andsoforth.Lifesimplifieddowntoasinglegoal

hasitsattractiveness,evenwhenthatgoalisnegativeand narrow. Consideringthefrequencywithwhichparanoiais encounteredinnormalandmentallydisorderedpeople thereisrelativelylittlewrittenaboutthisformofsuffering. Thedelusionthatsomeoneelseisplottingtodooneharm canbefoundtosomedegreeineveryoneatonetimeor another.Theboundarybetweenparanoiaandarealistic appraisalofourenemies'interestsmaybeunclearattimes. Thethesishereissimplythatobsessionswithdrugs (includingalcohol),sex,money,love,paranoiaandthelike arefociforsimplifyingtheorganizationofstimulusinput fromtheworldandprovidingalimitedsetofgoalsfromthe spectrumofgoalsrealityoffersus.Inotherwords,drugs, sex,money,loveandparanoiaservetohelpsomepeople focustheirattentiononalimitedsetofinformationfrom theirsensoryinput,tomakeclear(thoughpossibly incorrect)senseofthatinformation,andtolimittherange ofrelevantgoals. Justasthelover"readsinto"thelovedone'sactsgesturesof concernandaffection,sotheparanoidindividualsees threatinothers'behavior.Alltheworldlovesalover,we say.Theloverthrowsthenetofsimplificationwidely,seeing affectionandtoleranceineveryone.Similarly,theparanoid personexpandsthestrategyforunderstandingaparticular foetoencompasseveryonearound.Weneednotposita psychologicalmechanismofprojectionhere.Theloverdoes

notattributehisownlovetoothers.Hisloveisquite differentfromthatwhichhesupposesotherstopossess. Obsessionwithmoney,fame,food,whatever,actsto simplifythedecisionmakingprocessinacomplicated world.Obsession"boilsdown"realitytoarigid,bitsized chunk...unfortunately,itisachunkthatisnolongerreality. MoritanoticedthatwhenneuroticsinJapansaid"I shouldn'tfeelnervous"theyimplied"Ineedmorewillpower tocontrolmyfeelings;Ilackcharacterandmoralfiberfor feelingthisway."OurAmericanneuroticsalsosay"I shouldn'tfeelnervous."ButbehindtheWesterners'words arethethoughts"Idon'thavemylifetogether;Ineeda betterbackgroundorabettertherapy."TheJapanese peopleofMorita'sdayintheirneuroticmomentstendedto seetheflawsinthemselves.TheAmericanpeoplein neuroticmomentstendtoseetheflawsintheirupbringing, theircircumstances,theirlackofappropriatesocialor psychotherapeuticsupport.AsWesterninfluenceexpands inJapanmodernJapanesepeopletendtomovetoward blamingtheirpersonalproblemsonothersschoolmates, parents,workmates,society,andsoforth.BothJapanese andAmericans,however,seetheanxietyorfearor obsessionastheundesirableoutcomeofsomesortofflaw, personaland/orsocial.NeitherJapanesenorAmericanis likelytoseetheanxietyorfearorobsessionasnatural, withbothpositiveandnegativeaspects.And,fromalarger perspective,bothJapaneseandAmericansarelikelytobe

preoccupied(obsessed,caught)intryingtocure(overcome, fix)theirneuroticsuffering. ImmediateCure Eliminatingthedualismofmeansandend Thepossibilityof"cure"forneurosisisalreadypresentin everysufferingperson'smind.Constructivelivingneednot beconsideredameansofachievingfreedomfromneurotic sufferingsometimeinthefuture.Itisnotmerelyamethod tobeusedtoridourselvesofunnecessarymisery "ultimately."Itisaboutbeingcurednow,inthismoment. Livingconstructivelyrightnowisalreadycure.Themeans andtheendarethesame.Myconcernformystudentsis lessintheirsomedaybecomingwellthanintheirbeingwell immediately. Thereisaninterestingparallelherewithoneoftheideasof Dogen,thefamousZenmaster.Dogen(12001253)denied thatsittinginZenmeditationwasameansthatonecould practicetoachievefutureenlightenment.Hearguedthat sittinginzazenmeditationwasitselfenlightenment.He sawnodualisticsplitbetweenpracticingandachievingthis endresult. ItistheverysameinConstructiveLiving.Inthose momentswhenweloseourselvesinaconstructiveactivity, ourneuroticsufferingisgone.Mystudentsmayundertake anassignedexercisewiththeintentofworkingtoward personalgrowthor"cure."However,whentheyarecaught

upincomposingtheirassignedletterofapologyand gratitude,whentheyareengrossedincleaningoutthe kitchencabinet,theyarenodifferentfromanyonewhom theywouldhesitatetocallneurotic.Inthosemomentsthey arefreefromneuroticsuffering.Instantcure.Instant satori. Suchfreedomisn'ttrivial.Itistheaccumulationofmoment aftermomentofconstructivebehaviorthatallowsustocall ourselvesnormal.Itisthisdoingthatisthedistraction fromourselfcenteredmerrygoroundofpain.Themeans isalsotheend. Eliminatingthedualismofmindandbody ConstructiveLivingisnotawayoftrainingthemind.Itis awayofusingthebodymind.Thedoingofataskathandis notmerelyanactionofthebody.Itisanactionofthe bodymind.Moritacalledthisprincipleshinshindoitsu (literally,"mindbodysame"). PsychologyintheWestpayslipservicetopsychosomatic principles,butwhenwelookatWesternpsychotherapy,we seepracticesthatfocusalmostentirelyonchangingmental processes.Yetthephysicalmovementofthebodyisbotha reflectionofandaleverforchangingthemind.Thelast sentenceisimprecisefromourpointofviewbecauseit makesitappearthatchangedbehavioroccursandthenthe mindchanges.Moreaccurately,changedbehavioris alreadychangedmind,andchangedmindisalready changedbehavior.Thetwoaredifferentwaysoftalking

aboutthesamesetofphenomena.Whenwasthelasttime yousawamind?Theconceptof"mind"isbuilton inferencesfrombodilybehavior.Analterationinoneisan alterationintheother. Again,wefindaninterestingparallelfromBuddhismin thenotionofsokushinJobutsuor"enlightenmentwiththis verybody."Kukai,thefounderofShingonBuddhism,saw thatitmakesnosensetotalkabouttheenlightenmentof themindaloneortheachievementofsomementalNirvana inthefuture.Thebodymindmustparticipateinanyinsight orwisdom. Eliminatingthedualityofsubjective/objective ThereisafamousquotefromtheChineseZenmaster Ch'ingyuan(10671120):"BeforeIhadstudiedZenfor thirtyyears,Isawmountainsasmountainsandwatersas waters.WhenIarrivedatamoreintimateknowledge,I cametothepointwhereIsawthatmountainsarenot mountainsandwatersarenotwaters.ButnowthatIhave gottheverysubstanceIamatrest.ForitisjustthatIsee mountainsonceagainasmountains,andwatersonceagain aswaters." IammuchindebtedtoWilliamLaFleur,whosebook,The KarmaofWords,soclearlyspellsouttheBuddhistconcepts forwhichIfindtheseparallelsinConstructiveLiving actionthoughtandpractice.LaFleurwriteswithregardto theabovequote:

"ItmighthesaidthatinBuddhismtheproblemposedby thesymbolizingprocessofthemindisnotunlikethatposed bythehabitualdaydreams,fantasies,andprojectionsthat disturbourcapacityfor'rightseeing.'Inasense,the symbolizingprocessisitselfadigression,amoveawayfrom theclearrecognitionofmountainsasmerelymountains, watersasmerelywaters." Neuroticthinkingisfilledwiththesymbolizingthat interfereswithourseeingwhatrealitypresentstous.For example,whenanthropophobicpeopleareabouttobe introducedtosomeoneatasocialgathering,theirminds arefilledwithallsortsofsymbolbaggage.Thereare memoriesofpastintroductionexperiencesthatwere embarrassingoranxietyfilled,therearedesirestobeliked andrespected,therearefearsofwhattheotherpersonwill bethinkingofthem,worriesaboutappearance,andso forth.Therealityofthepersontheyareabouttomeetthe face,theclothing,thename,theinterests,andwordsof thatpersonarelikelytobemissedbecauseofallthe symbolicinterferencewithreality.Themountainisno longeramountain.Ithasbecomeafearfulchallenge.In ConstructiveLivingweaimatbeingrealistic.Ofcourse,no oneviewsrealitywithtotalobjectivity.Weallcarrysome symbolsandselectiveattentioninourencounterswiththe worldbeforeoureyes.Butitturnsoutthataswe accumulateconstructivelifeexperiences,themountains lookmorelikemountainsandthewaterslookmorelike waters.

Eliminatingthedichotomyofgood/bad InourapproachtoConstructiveLivingwerecognizethat allpeoplehavesomeneuroticcharacteristicsinsome momentsandallneuroticpeoplehavenonneurotic characteristicsinsomemoments.Werefusetoview humansinpolarcategoriesofnormalandneurotic.Each conceptualcategorycontainstheother.TamuraYoshiro pointedoutthatearlyTendaiBuddhistsinJapanhad alreadydiscoveredthatgoodandevilinterpenetrate.These extremevaluesaren'tmutuallyexclusive;instead,they interpenetrate. Changingfromaprimarilyneurotictoagenerally constructivelifestyleisn'tjustdesirable;itisalso terrifying.TheZenmasterRinzaiwrotethattheordinary personisterrifiedoftransmigration.Weareallafraidof extremechange,uncertainty,death,fate,and"getting well."Weoftenchoosethefamiliarityofboredomand sufferingratherthantheuncertaintyofchange.WhatI defineasagoodorpositivechangeforyoumaybenegative fromyourperspective. "TheTrueManoftheWay...acceptsthingsastheycome. Whenhewantstowalkhewalks,whenhewantstosithe sits;heneverhasathoughtofseekingBuddhahood." Rinzai'swordsareoftenquoted.Inthesamevein,the graduateoftheconstructivelifewayacceptsrealityasit comes.Whenhefindsitpurposefultowalk,hewalks;when hefindsitusefultosit,hesits;heneverhasathoughtof

seeking(orcheckingontheprogressof)hiscure.The parallelsareapparent. Fromtheprecedingexampleswecanseethatthe absolutenessofgoodandbadislostinthefluxofchanging circumstance.Isitgoodtobe"normal"?But"normal" containsneuroticmoments,too.Isitgoodtobecome "cured"?Butcureispainfulandterrifying.Isitgoodto walk?tosit?Thatdependsuponthesituation,the conditions,whatneedstobedone.Ratherthanspendinga lotoftimeandefforttryingtocomeupwithan invulnerablestructureofabsolutegoodandbad,wechoose toapproachrealitycircumstantially,askingconcretelywhat needstobedoneinthismoment.Tobesure,wetakeinto accountthelikelyeffectsofouractionsonothersandon ourselves.Butphilosophicalspeculationaboutidealstoo easilybecomesadistractionfromengaginginwhatneeds doingrightnow. Workingwithintheflux InConstructiveLivingweemphasizethechangeablenessof feelings.AparallelBuddhistpsychologicalprincipleis mujo,"allisflux."Everythingisalwayschanging.Perhaps so,yeteventheZenmonkintrainingfindsthatdoingwhat needstobedoneprovidessomestabilityandorderand purposefuldirectioninthiseverchangingworld.Themonk mayfindthatwhatneedstobedoneissittingmeditation, sweeping,mopping,chanting,eatinginaparticular fashion,andsoforth.

We,too,createsomestability,order,anddirectionthrough purposefulbehavior.Despitethefluxoffeelingsand headtrippingwecanreachthehavenofdisciplined behavior.Wehavecomefullcircletothebeginningpassage ontheequivalenceofmeansandends.Theorderand stabilityexistaswecreatethembyourdoing.Asyouread thesewords,youarealreadychanged.Thatis,thequality ofyourattentivereadingisalreadyimportantchange, whateverthevalueofthecontentofthisessay.Whatyou aredoingnowisn't"preparing"youforselfimprovement.It eitherisselfimprovementoritisnot.Thequalityofthe doingisvital. Scenes Whenmyclientstalkabouttheeventsofthepastweek, theytendtotalkintermsofscenesorepisodes.These sceneshaveclearbeginningsandendings.Ifindmyself listeningtoabrieftaleorganizedlikeatelevisionstory.I believethatmyclientshavebeeninfluencedbytelevision andothermediatocarveuptheirexperienceintoscenes.I oftenneedtoask,"Whatdidyoudonext?"Iwanttoknow whatmystudentdidafterwhatheorshethoughtwasthe endofthescene. Letmeofferanexample.Clydetellsmeofthescenein whichheembarrassedhimselfbeforehisfellowcooking schoolclassmatesbyraisinghishandtoaskaquestion. Thenwhencalledupon,heforgotwhathewantedtoask. Hefinishesbytellingmehefeltlikecrawlingintoaholeto

escapetheireyes.AsfarasClydewasconcerned,thescene endedthere. "Whatdidyoudonext?"Iask. "Whatdoyoumean?" "Iwanttoknowwhatyoudidrightafterthat,whileyou werefeelingembarrassed." "Well,theteacherwentonwithhislecture,soIgrabbedmy penandstartedtakingnotesagain." Clydehadcomealongwayfromthedaysinwhich embarrassmentwasfollowedbyhoursofselfrecrimination andevenabsencesfromschool.Ifhehadchosentoendhis "scene"abitlater,hewouldhaveturnedouttobeahero insteadofagoat.Theforgettingwasnotcontrollable directlybyhiswill.Withhisbestefforthecouldn'tcomeup withthequestionthatcausedhimtoraisehishand.But whathedidwhilefeelingembarrassedwasanother opportunityforsuccess(inthiscase,takingnotes).And Clydesucceeded. Lifedoesn'tpresentitselfinepisodesorscenes.Itisa continuousflowofopportunities,failures,successes, punctuatedonlybyperiodsofsleepandsometimesthen, too,weexperiencetheflowofdreams.Whenfailurelooms (orwhensuccesslieswithinreach),theimportantquestion tobeaskingcontinuestobe,"Whathasrealitybroughtthat needstobedone?"Then,whatdidyoudonext?

PurposefulLiving AfewyearsagoImetaman,Mr.Lewin,withagreat dreamandgreatenergy.Thedreamitselfwasquite properlygrandandworthy.Whatbotheredmewasthat therewastoomuchLewininLewin'sdream.Itseemedthat hisfinepurposewasconfusedwithanother,lesssignificant one,impressingotherswithhisimportance.Itisimportant tobeclearaboutourpurposes.Imustbecarefulaboutmy purposeinwritingthisbook,too.Iwantyoutofinish readingitwithafairsenseofwhatConstructiveLivingis about.SoImixthetheoreticalwiththepersonaland practicalcontentsinordertoavoidapresentationaboutthe idealasopposedtothereal. Throughouthumanhistorypeoplehavewonderedabout purposefulliving,andtherehasbeennolackofteachersto advisethemaboutit:Plato,Confucius,BillyGraham, DogenZenji,MaoTsetung,Voltaire,andNormanVincent Peale,tonamejustafew.However,therehavebeenscores oflesserknownadvisersineveryage.Inoureraonelarge categoryoflifeguidesarecalledpsychotherapists.Forall theuseofmedicaljargonaboutmentalillness,symptoms, diagnoses,andcures,therapiststeachtheir"patients"or "clients"alifewayeitherexplicitlyorimplicitly,eitherby directionorbymodel.Thereisaninsightfulbookwritten byPerryLondonmanyyearsagotitledTheModesand MoralsofPsychotherapy.InitLondonpointsoutthatevery psychotherapeuticsystemcontainsasetofvalues,a definitionofwhatitistobefullyhuman,andnotionsabout

sufferingandtheresolutionofsuffering.Psychotherapists, too,havepurposes. ThepurposesofConstructiveLivingarequiteclear.They are,again,toteachstudentstoacceptfeelingsastheyare, toknowtheirpurposes,andtodowhatneedstobedone. AlltheothertechniquesofConstructiveLiving'saction aspectareaimedatachievingthesepurposesorgoals.For example,Imayaskclientstoreportonthecontentsoftheir closets,ortodescribethepersonsthattheypassedasthey walkedordrovetotheteachingsession,ortoindicate wherethefireexitsareinbuildingstheyhaverecently entered.Theseexerciseshelpthemtodevelopskillsof observation.Observationhelpsustobeawareofwhat realityisbringingustodoineachmoment.Howcanwebe awareofwhatneedsdoingwhenwearen'tpayingattention toourcircumstances?Moreadvancedstudentsnotonly noticetheirsurroundingsbutbegintonoticethemselvesas partofthesurroundingsand,ultimately,justto"notice." Butthatresultgoesbeyondthemoremodestgoalsof acceptance,purpose,andaction. AnothertechniqueofConstructiveLivingutilizesphysical activitytoaccomplishtaskswhenwefeeloverwhelmedby feelings.Youmayhavenoticedthatwhenyouareupsetitis moredifficulttobalanceacheckbookandstudyatextthan itistowashyourcarorrearrangefurnitureordothe vacuuming.Whilewewaitforourfeelingstosettledown, weneednotturnoffourlives;wecancontinuewith constructiveactivity,gettingdonewhatneedsdoing.

Somehowit'seasiertokeepourmindsontasksthatrequire physicaleffort.Areminder:thepurposeofdoingataskisto getthetaskdone(togetthedishesclean,tocleartheweeds fromthegarden,todustthebookcase),andnottodistract ourselvesfromunpleasantfeelings(althoughthatmaybea beneficialsideeffect). Performingphysicalactionasanaidtoconcentrationisas usefulformentalworklikebookkeepingandstudyingasit isforsweepingandgardening.Whenweunderline,write outourthoughtsonpaper,outlinethematerialwehave read,ororganizeourdesktop,wearelikelytofinditeasier toattendtothementaltaskathand.Themorebody movementaimedatachievingourgoal,thebetter(eventhe movementofhandholdingpenmovingacrosspapercanbe helpful).Theoppositeapproach,tryingtokeepevery importantpointinmind,whilemerelyexertingthewillto keepthemindonatask,turnsouttobelesseffective.For myofficeIhavebuiltawoodenpodiumthatlooksrather likeamusicstand.WhenIamtiredfromsittinginfrontof thecomputer,readingintheeasychair,orwritingatthe desk,Icanstandandreadatthepodium,restingabookon it.Alongthesamelines,Isometimesconductpartofa teachinghourstandingorwalkingalongsideastudent, especiallywhenoneorbothofusissleepy.Whateverour feelings(sleepiness,fatigue,rage,despair,fear),theyneed notdistractusfrompurposefulbehavior.Andthebehavior itselfseemstopullusalongtowardourgoals.

ConstructiveLivinginstructorsemphasizethatitis importanttofindsuitableconstructivepurposesandhold tothem,thusguidingbehaviorinapositivedirection.The othersideofthatcoinisthatallbehavior,positiveor negative,ispurposeful.Whateveryoudothereisanaimto it,agoaltowardwhichthebehaviorisdirected.Thegoal maybedestructiveorconstructiveormixed.Forexample, theshypersonmayavoidsocialgatheringsinorderto preventthefeelingsofinadequacyandlonelinessthathe feelsinsuchsituations.InasenseConstructiveLiving instructionaskstheclienttoselectconstructivepurposes andpositivewaysofachievingtheminsteadofthealready purposeful,butunconstructivebehavior.Findingthe purposebehindunconstructivebehaviorcanbeauseful undertakingbecausesometimestheoriginalpurposecan alsobefulfilledinapositiveway. Itisnotanewideathatdifficultiesinlifegeneratethe constructionofpurpose.Continuoushappiness,peace,and alifeofeasewoulddestroyus.Withoutanxietyandtrouble, wecouldnotsurvive.Withoutconflictandstruggle,life wouldnotchoosetocontinue.Itisnotthatsufferingis good;itisnecessaryforourexistence.Tosaythisisnotto saythatallpainmustbepassivelyaccepted.Weare responsiblefordoingbattlewiththeillsthatplagueusand others.Yet,ifwewereevertosucceedineliminatingall discontent,ourhumanspecieswouldbedoomed.We struggle,andinthatstrugglelieslife'smeaning.Weare bornfighters;wewillfindsomethingtooppose.Ifwe

cannotfindaworthyfoe,wecreateone,evenifthatfoeis ourselves.Whenourlastenemyisvanquished,weshalldie asindividuals,asaspecies. Sodon'tseekanxietyfreeliving;don'tstriveforconstant bliss.chooserathertocontinueyourstruggle.Resolveto reactforcefullytothechallengesofreality.Holdtoyour goals.Fightyourfight.Andlivewithpurpose. RemakingthePast Wearecontinuouslycreatingourhistories.WhatIdonow willbefiledawayintomorrow'spast.Oncethisnowhas becomepartofmypastitcannotbechanged.Itssuccesses cannotbetakenawayfromme;itsexcessescannotbe erased.ConstructiveLivingworkstocreateapastthatis filledwithpurposeful,meaningfulactivity.Withsucha pastIbecomeonewholivesconstructively. Foritisourhistorythatdetermineswhowearenow.I evaluatemyselfintermsofwhathasbeenmyhistory.IfI amonewhoranawayfromtroublesinthepastthenIsee myselfasacoward;ifIamonewhosacrificedformy principlesthenIamaprincipledperson.Fortunately,we havetheabilitytocreateanewpastbymeansofchanging whatwearedoingnow.Thismomentbecomestherecent past.Thenitbeginstosinkbeneaththeweightofeven morerecentevents,likesedimentontheflooroftheocean. Theoldfloorofmypastcanbecompletelycoveredbylayers ofnewbehaviorsandhabits.

Itisimportanttoemphasizethatthepastdoesn't determinewhatwedonow.Rather,wedeterminewhatthe pastwillbecomebywhatwedonow.ThewayIhandlea problemnowneedhavenorelationshipwiththewayI handledasimilarprobleminthepast.IcanchangewhoI ambytryingnewsolutionstorecurringproblems,by tuckingoldbehaviorssafelyintothepast. HelpingOut "OnemorningJoshuwaswalkinginfrontoftheZenHall, treadingonthedeepdriftedsnow.Heaccidentallylosthis footingandfellinthesnow.Hecriedoutloudly,'Helpme out!Helpmeout!'Amonkheardhimcrying,camerunning, raisingclouds,andinsteadofhelpingtheMasteroutofthe snow,'threwhimselfinthesnowtoo.'Thatis,themonklaid himselfdowninthesnowliketheMaster.Joshu,whocould verywellhavegiventhemonkablowofhisstick,quite calmlyreturnedtohisroom. "Now,didthismonkhelptheoldteacheroutor not?"(Shibayama,1970,p.226) Sometimesthereisnothingwecandototakeawaythe difficultythatistroublingsomeonewecareabout.They maybedyingorsufferingbecausesomeoneclosetothem hasdied.Theymayhaveputthemselvesintroubleor danger,asituationthatwecannotsalvageforthem.No matterhowstrongourdesiretohelpwemaybeunableto changethedistressingcircumstances.

Atsuchtimeswemaydecidetothrowourselvesintothe snowalongsideourfriend.Wemaychoosetosharesomeof themiseryandphysicaldiscomfort,totalkabouttheloss, toempathize,todonateourtimeandourexistenceinorder tobewithourgrievingfriend.Oureffortsmaynotsolvethe problem;theymaynotevenrelievemuchofourfriend's pain.Butitisafinehumangesturetodiveintothesnow anyway.Itmaybethebestwecando.Forthefriend.For us.Contrasttheeffortofdivingintothesnowwiththe indifferencedescribedbythenovelist,NatsumeSoseki: "Daisukehasyettomeettheindividualwho,ashestood groaningbeneaththeoppressionofOccidentalcivilization intheseethingarenaofthestruggleforsurvival,wasstill abletoshedgenuinetearsforanother."(Soseki,1978,p. 102) Sosekiwasaperceptivecriticofthedangersthat accompaniedthebenefitsofWesterncivilizationasJapan adoptedWesternwaysaroundtheturnofthiscentury. Competitionintheeconomicspherecanspilloverintoa selfcenteredindifferencetoothers'dilemmasinotherareas oflife.Especiallyinthismoderneraofanunseemlyfaithin economicmeasuresofimportancewemustbewarethe dangeroflosingcompassion.Todiveintothesnowis"doing compassion." SomeoftheplacesinthemodernworldwhereIhaveseen compassiondoneareterminalcareunitsinhospitals.I havespenttimewithdyingpeopleandthosewhocarefor theminJapanandintheUnitedStates.Thereseemstobe

akindofhumanizationoftheparticipantsinsomeofthose settings.HereIwouldliketoconsidersomeofthequalities thatcomposethishumanization. Inthesesettingsgiftsaregivenfrequently.Thegiftsare usuallyinexpensive,personal,andsometimeshandmade. Amongnurses,aides,patients,familiesanddoctors,and withinsomeofthesegroupssmallgiftsaretokensof humanworthexchangedappreciation,treasured mementos,spotsofbrightcolorinpastelmedical surroundings. Peoplelistenmoreandbetterinthesesettings.Theyshow specialconsiderationforothers.Theygivetimeabovethat requiredbytheirshiftstolendanear. Peopleusetimewell,purposefully.Itmayappearthatthey are"merely"sittingandchatting,buttheyhavegiven thoughttothevalueofsuchactivities.Theyknowhow importantitistoinvesttimeinthosetheycareforandcare about. Somesocialconventionsarewaivedorpostponed. Conversationsgetdowntobusinessquicker.Peoplespeak moreopenlyandstraightforwardlyabouttheirdesires, frustrations,worries,joys.Youseethesametendencyin someelderlymarriedcouples.Theytrusteachothertohear whatisreallybeingsaid. Interminalcareunitsthereisasenseofcamaraderie amongstaff,andlessofastatusgapbetweenpatientsand

staff.Peopleknoweachothers'names.Theyknowofthe namesofvisitorsaswellasthosewhoareabouttodie. Theneedsofcaregiversinsuchsettings(medicalstaff, nursingstaff,aides,andofficepersonnel)shouldnotbe ignored.Theyareliving/dyingjustasthepatientsare, thoughtheslopeoftheirdemisemaybemoregradual. Eachnewmomentisabirth,andeachpastmomentisa deathforthem,forallofus. IV.NeuroticSuffering NoSolutiontoaPseudoProblem Neurosisisasnaturalasliving.Becausewelivewehave desiresandhopes.Becausewehavedesiresandhopeswe havefearsoffailingtoachievetheminthefutureand memoriesofhavingfailedtoachievetheminthepast. Howcanwehandletheseanticipatoryfearsand discouragingmemories?Howcanwecopewiththereality thatourdesiresanddreamsalwaysextendbeyondour abilitiestoattainthem?Onecopingstrategyistotryto pounddownthedesirestofitourcapabilities,totryto achievesomemergingofwhatwewantwithwhatwecan have.Thatstrategyappearsattractive,butitisimpossible tocarryoutsuccessfully.Itinevitablyinvolveslyingto ourselvesaboutwhatwedesire.Lifealwaysimpliesdesires thatexceedrealisticlimits. Anothercopingstrategyistotrytoextendourcapabilities tomatchourdesires.Diligentstudyandhardworkand

strivingforsuccessmaybringsomerewards,butthe desireskeepgrowingapace,too.Theyalwaysoutstripour effortstoattaincompletesatisfaction.So,thiscoping strategy,too,isimpossibletocarryoutsuccessfully.Though thereisnothingwrongwithmakingeffortstogrow,learn, advance,succeed,we'llneverachieveallwedesire. Neuroticmiseryisbeingcaughtbythisdiscrepancy betweenwhatisdesiredandwhatispossible.Neurosis involvesamisdirectionofattentiontowardthisinherently insolubleproblemoflife.Neuroticsufferingismisdirected efforttoresolveanunresolvabledilemma.Noamountof effortworkssatisfactorily;nodirectapproachtothe problemsucceeds.Theneuroticstruggleproduces frustrationandaturninginwardtothefeelingsthat accompanythestruggle.Perhapsatleastwecaneliminate somehowthefeelingsofanxietyaboutfuturedesiresbeing unsatisfiedandtheselfdoubtsandselfrecriminationsover pastfailures.But,no.There,too,wehitthedeadendof impossibility. Neitherthebasicproblemofthediscrepancybetween desiresandcapabilitiesnorthesubproblemofthe unpleasantfeelingsaccompanyingrecognitionofthis discrepancycanbesolved.Whatistheretodo? Theremarkablekeywhichallowsustoescapefromthis darkclosetoffrustrationistogiveupontryingtosolvethe dilemmaaltogether.Inotherwords,werecognizethe discrepancybetweenwhatwewantandwhoweare(what wecanachieve)andacceptit.Werecognizethefeelingsof

anxietyandinadequacythatcomewithlivingandaccept them.Thereisnoneedtofight,noneedtowishlifewere otherwisethanitis.Wearejustfineasweare. Once(notreallyonce,butoverandoveragain)werecognize thenaturalnessofthisrealityofdiscrepancywecangeton aboutdirectingourattentionandeffortstowarddoingwhat ispossible.Wecanbegintoliveconstructivelyand realisticallywithinthelimitsandpotentialsthatlifeoffers us.Therehasbeennoproblemallalongexceptfortheone wecreatedinourminds.Thereisonlyanaturally expansivesetofdesires,anaturallylimitedsetofabilities toachievethem,andapressuretoachievethemallanyway. Tobealiveistoneed,tosucceedandtofail,tobe sometimesanxiousandsometimesconfident,sometimes regretfulandsometimessatisfied.Lifeisjustfinelikethat. Wishinglifewereotherwiseistostepbackintothedark confinesofthepseudoproblemwithnosolution.Accepting lifeasitisallowsfreedomtoworkonrealproblemsandto findrealsolutions. DecidingtoDecidetoDecide Whenonelooksbelowthesurfacesymptoms,thetypical neuroticpersonfoundinJapanandmostcommonlytreated byConstructiveLivingisn'tparticularlydifferentfromthe sortofneuroticpersonweseeintheUnitedStates.Toru Abe,aleadingMoritatherapist,describedthe characteristicsoftheJapaneseshinkeishitsuneurotic person.Ifinditusefultoreadhisdescriptiontomynew

patientsintheUnitedStates.Ithelpsthemtorealizethat theyarenotaloneintheirmisery,thattheirtendenciesare sharedevenbymembersofanotherculture. Abenotesthattheseneuroticstendtobepersistent.Onthe onehand,theirpersistenceisapositivetraitinthatthey cansticktoasituationinanattempttofinishitorget throughit.Ontheotherhand,thepersistencemayappear asanobsession;theydonotletgoofanideaorcourseof action,evenwhenitisnolongeruseful.Theseneurotic peopletendtobeaffectedphysiologicallywheneverthere arechangesorstressesintheirlives.Headaches,insomnia, upsetstomach,diarrhea,heartpalpitations,lossof appetite,generalweakness,andlethargycharacterizetheir bodies'responsetopressuresfromtheirenvironment. Theyoftenhaveselfdoubts.Isthiscourseofactionall right?DidIdoitproperly?Whatdoothersthinkofme? Suchconcernsarecommonwithadolescents,butintheir neuroticmomentsadultstendtospendmoretimethinking aboutsuchthings,worryingaboutthem.Theyfind themselvesunsatisfiedevenwhenreassuredthattheyare doingquitewell.Astheygrowolder,theirperfectionistic andidealisticinclinationscontinue.Theydemandmore thanonehundredpercentfromthemselvesandfrom others,too.Thismakesrelationswithothersdifficult.Not onlydotheycriticizethemselvesforfailingtoliveupto theirownstandards,theydemandperfectionfromothers, aswell.

Abefurtherobservesthattheseneuroticpeopleare disposedtoallornothingthinking.Theydon'twantto undertakesomethingunlesstheyareabsolutelyconfident thattheycanaccomplishit.Sometimestheystopaproject inmidstreambecausetheydiscoverthatitismoredifficult thantheyhadbelievedatfirst.Whentheyaskforadvice, theywantaclearchoice:eitherAorB.Theydon'tlikethe muddiedgrayareasoflife. Abe,likeFritzPerls(thefounderofGestaltTherapy),noted thatneuroticpeopleareselfprotective.Muchofwhatthey docanbeunderstoodintermsoftheireffortstoavoidpain. Theseattemptstoescapefromordinarydiscomfortlead themintofurthertroubleandfurtherdissatisfactionwith theirlives.Astheymoveintomiddleage,thesymptoms mayshiftfromobsessionsandphobiastoanxietyneuroses. Anxietyneurosesgenerallyrevolvearoundthefearofdeath orlossofordinaryconsciousness.Heartpalpitationscause thepersontofearaheartattack,dizzinessprovokes ruminationsaboutapotentialstroke.Theseanxiety "attacks"seemtoappearoutofnowhere,withnoobvious precipitatingcircumstance.Someofmystudentshavethem mostoftenjustbeforebedtime. SomethingthatIhavenoticedaboutneuroticpeopleinboth theUnitedStatesandJapanisthattheytrytoturnnearly everyactionintoadecision.Theymakenearlyeveryacta psychologicaldilemma.Therealityisthatnothingis gettingdoneexceptdeciding.Theyarereallydecidingto decide,notdecidingtoact.Bythisprocesstheypush

themselvesawayfromrealityorientedbehaviorintoasort ofparalysiswithintheirownminds. Neuroticpeopleofthissorttendtoberatherbright,rarely stupid.Theymayhavestrangeimpulsesandrandom thoughtsaboutleapingdownthestairsorstripping themselvesinfrontofacrowd,butthey'renotthekindof peoplewhoactuallydocrazyandwildorhurtfuland maliciousthings.Foralltheirfantasiesandworries,they behaveprettyconservatively.Forthemostpart,Icantrust mystudents'judgmentaboutwhatneedstobedone.Until theydemonstrateotherwise,Iassumethattheyare competent. Itisn'tnecessarytotrustyourownjudgment,butifyouact onitandeventsworkoutallrightmostofthetime,then justcontinuetostumblealongliketherestofus,without confidencesomeofthetime,butdoingwhatneedsdoing nevertheless. FromtheConstructiveLivingperspective,therearereally noneuroticpeople.Weallhaveneuroticmoments.Some peoplehavemoreneuroticmomentsthanothers. SuccessfulFools TheJapanesepsychiatristMoritawrote,"While consideringthatthereissomethingwrongwithyourmind, whilefeelingpessimisticaboutyourself,justkeepworking yourmindvigorously."Hereisaviablealternativetothe strangeWesternadvicetotrytomakeyourselffeel confidentandsuccessfulwhenyoudon'tandyou'renot.

Canyouseethereasonablenatureofthisapproach?You don'tneedtotrytoconvinceyourselfthatyouarefineand thatalliswellinyourlifeoryourmind.It'squiteallright torecognizeyourfailuresandlimitationsandanxietiesand obsessions,andeventofeelhopelessandpessimisticabout them.Afterall,thatisthewayyoufeelaboutthem sometimes.ButMorita'sadvicedoesn'tstopwithmerely acceptingtherealitythatwecan'trunawayfromanyway. Headvisesustokeeponworkingthoseimperfect, distressedmindsvigorously.Byworkingourminds vigorouslyhemeanstokeepnoticingwhatRealitysends ourwayandtoattendcarefullytodoingwellthose momentbymomentactivitiesofwhichourlivesare composed.Feeldespairbuttakeoutthetrash.Be pessimisticbutplanyourvacation.Whilefeelingdepressed shave.Walkthedepthsofhopelessnessbutprepareand showupforthejobinterview.Whileberatingyourselffor thismorning'smistakedon'tmissthefreewayturnoff. Itisquiteallrighttobethefoolwholiveslifewell. Mirrors Irememberasachildsittingonthepaddedboardlaid acrossthearmsofasturdymetalbarber'schair.Icouldsee myfacereflectedinthemirror,andthereflectionofthe reflection,andthereflectionofthereflectionofthe reflection.Eachreflectionbouncingoffthemirrorsinfront andbehinddistortedtheimageeversoslightlyuntilit dippedoutofsight.

Neurosisisratherlikewatchingreflectionsinbarbershop mirrors.Thereisnothingreallywrongwithmyclientsjust astheyare.Buttheyareobsessedwiththeirdistorted viewsofthemselves.AstheZenpeoplewouldputit,they alreadyareBuddhas;theydon'tneedsomespecial enlightenment.Buttheydon'trecognizewhotheyareand whattheyhavealready.Sotheycomefor"guidance"or "training"or"coaching"toberelievedoftheirsuffering. Intheirreflectedimagestheyseethemselvesashurting morethanotherpeople,interferingwithandinterfered withintheirmovementtowardsuccessandhappiness. Theyareunnecessarilymiserable,butthefaultliesnotin themselves,andnotevenintheirupbringingorinmore recenttragedies.Theproblemliesintheimagesthey create,imagesofhowlifeoughttobe,whatmighthave been,whotheyshouldbeinsteadofwhotheyare. IftheyinsistonbeingobsessedwithreflectionsIadvise themtofollowtheinfinityofreflectionswholeheartedly untiltheybecometiredoftheprogressivedistortion.For example,iftheycriticizethemselves,Iaskthemtocriticize theircriticismsofthemselves,andthentocriticize themselvescriticizingtheirselfcriticism.Whydotheyhave confidenceintheirselfdoubts?Whynotdoubttheirself doubts?Anddoubtthemselvesdoubtingtheirdoubtsabout themselves?Andsoon.Thereismeritinlackingconfidence intheirownlackofconfidence.Mystudentssimplyaren't neuroticenough.Theyfollowtheimagespartwayandthen

stop,believingthem.Tofollowthereflectionsonandon revealstheirabsurddistortions. Therealityofmeisjustme. ChangingWhoWeAre YearsagoIspoketoagroupofpatientsandexpatientsata localVeteransAdministrationpsychiatrichospital.One patientwouldsoonbedischarged;hewasanticipatinga returntothesamestressfulfamilyenvironmentinwhich hehadbeenlivingwhenhewasadmittedtothehospital. Heaskedforsuggestionsaboutminimizingthenegative effectsofthissituationafterhereturnedhome.Healso wantedtoknowwhattodoabouttheanxietyhefeltabout leavingthehospital. Therearemanyparallelstothisyoungman'sdilemmain ourlives.Thereareuncomfortablesettingsandupsetting peoplewemustreturntoagainandagainperhapsatwork orathomeorinanapartmentbuildingorneighborhoodor amonginlaws.Wedreadfacingthem.Inasimilarway,we hesitatetoleavethefamiliarandcomfortableforthe unknown.Amentalhospitalplaceslimitsonapatient's rightsandfreedom,butitsoonbecomesaplaceof familiarityandsecurity.Patientsmakefriendswithother patientsandwithstaffmembers.Returningtothelonely, competitiveworldoutsidethehospitalbecomesa frighteningstepintopossiblefailure. Theconstructiveadvicewecanofferafellowhumanfacing theseconditionsappliesinavarietyofrelatedsituations.

First,ifthesettingsdon'tchangemuchwemustchange ourselvesinthesettings.Wechangewhoweareby changingwhatwedo.Weremindourselvestokeepon changingwhatwedobymodifyingourselvesandthe settingsasmuchaspossible.Forexample,Isuggestedthat thisyoungmanpaintthewallsofhisroomandrearrange thefurnitureinhishome.Hehadabeardthathemight considershavingofforhemightchangehishairstyleor growamoustache.Differentclothes,tryingdifferentfoods andalteredmealtimes,newhobbiesandeveningstudy courses,bathinginsteadofshoweringorviceversa,anew exerciseprogram,seekingnewfriends,adifferentmattress, differentrecordsandmusicalstyles,andsoforthcould provideremindersthathewasdifferentnowfromwhenhe hadgoneintothehospital.Alwaysthedoingcreatesthe difference.Thenewdoingremindsusofthatdifference.We arewhatwedo.Wecannotshovelawayourshadows,but wecanbuildmorerobustbodiessothatourshadowsare morerobustthanbefore. Myrecommendationfortheanticipatoryanxietyhefelt aboutundertakingalifeoutsidethehospitalwastogo aheadandbeanxious.Therewasnothingtobedoneabout theworry.Chemicaltranquilizationwouldjustmaska normalfearabouttheunknown.Heoughttobeworried aboutthestephewastaking.Theworryshowedthathe recognizedthedifficultyofthetasksfacinghim.The anxietyshowedthathewantedtodowellontheoutside, thathewantedtoavoidfailure.Peoplewholeavethe

hospitalnonchalantlymaybewalkingintodifficulties withoutnormalanticipationandpreparation. Whilethenaturalstressoftheupcomingdischargehadto beacceptedasitwas,theupsetcouldbeusedtokeepthis youngmanactivelypreparingforthebigday.Hehadto arrangeforworkontheoutside.Ifhewantedtoliveaway fromhisfamilythenhemustfindlivingaccommodations. Hemustdeveloptheskillsofcooking,payingbills, shopping,selfcareforminorillness,andthelike.Ashe becameinvolvedinpreparationsandtraininghewouldfind theanticipatoryanxietysomewhatreduced,butitshould nevergoaway.Onlywhenhehadreturnedtolifeoutside thehospitalandsucceededatitwouldhehavethe confidencethathecoulddoit.Asusual,confidencefollows success. FacingtheInevitable Writingyourobituary,epitaph,andeulogycanbea revealingexperience.I'vedoneitseveraltimesandfindita usefulassignmentformanyofthepeoplewithwhomI work.ThethreefundamentalprinciplesoftheConstructive Livingactionmethodofpersonalmanagementaretoaccept yourfeelings,knowyourpurpose,anddowhatneedsdoing. Theexerciseofwritinganobituary,epitaph,andeulogy helpsustoexamineourlongtermpurposes,ourlifegoals, whatneedsdoing.Itisreallynotsomuchawayofdealing withourinevitabledeathsasitisawayoforderingour livesuntilthen.

Yourobituaryisthenoticethatwillappearinyourlocal newspaperonceyouhavedied.Itprovidesyourageand listsyoursurvivors;itmaycontainyouroccupation,the causeofdeath,timeandplaceofservices,andyour memorableaccomplishments.Projectyourimaginationinto thefuture.Wherewillyoube?Howareyoulikelytodie? Whowillsurviveyouatthattime?Whatwillyouhave accomplishedbythen?Considerthisfutureeventandwrite arealisticobituaryforyourself. Yourepitaphisthepithysentenceorphrasecarvedonyour tombstone.Itisthebriefsummationofyourlife,the condensation,inwords,ofyourwholebeing.What memorablestatementdoyouwanttoleavetotheworldon yourtombstoneormemorialtablet?Howdoyouwishtobe remembered?Towhomwillthisstatementbeaddressed? Youreulogyisthelongerstatementthatoneormore personswillpresentpubliclyatyourfuneralormemorial service.Whatwilltheysayaboutyou?Hereyoucangive freerreintoyourexpectationsaboutthefuture.Lookatthe detailsofwhereyouwilllive,whatsortsofworkyouwill do,withwhomyouwillbeliving,yourtemperament,your. favoritefoodsandreadingmaterials,yourfinancial situation,yourphilosophicalandreligiousbeliefs,your health,andsoforthfrombirthuntildeath. Nowconsiderforamomentwhatisn'tcontainedinthese documents.Whatwouldyouhavelikedtodowithyourlife butdidn't?Whattasksremainedunfinishedwhenyou died?Whattasksdidyoufailtobegin?Whatwasnotin

yourhistorythatcouldhavebeenwithsomeeffortonyour part?Whatpeople?Whatsuccesses?Whatskills?What travelexperiences?Lookfortheblanksandevaluatewhat youmustdonowtobegintofillthembeforeyoudie. Youmayfindthisexercisedepressing;lookingatone's prospectivedeathisanunpleasantundertakingformany people.Furthermore,findingthatlittlehasbeen accomplishedinone'slifemayprecipitatebitternessand disappointment.But,whateverfeelingsemerge,youhave facedtheseexistentialissuesanecessaryundertaking. Whatyoudointheyearsaheadisimportant.Whatyouare doingrightnowisevenmoreimportant.Nowistheonly timeyouwilleverbegiventobeginchangesthatwillresult inyourbeingattheplacewhereyouwanttobewhenyou die.Whatneedstobedone?Doit. Weareallgoingtodie.Itisimportanttorestimulate awarenessofthisbasictruthoverandover.Therearea numberofcharacteristicwaysofdealingwithdeath;weall usemostofthematonetimeoranother.Onemethodisto trytodelayitaslongaspossibleforexample,bywearing seatbelts,followingahealthregimen,obtainingproper medicalcare,andavoidingdangeroussituations.Ignoring deathresigningoneselftoitsinevitabilityand"forgetting" aboutitisanotherwayofdealingwithourmortality. Athirdstrategyisto"grabforallthegusto"oflife."You onlygo'roundonceinthislife."Deathbecomesamarker,a motivatorforlivingone'slimitedtimefully,andanexcuse forselfindulgence.Deathalsocanbereinterpreted

intellectuallyandthustrivialized.Thereismuchtalkthese daysofdeathbeinga"naturalendpoint"tolife. Philosophically,deathisseenasanormalelementin nature'sevolutionaryprocess,necessaryforthesurvivalof thenewandfortheinitiationofvarietyandchange.The awesomenessofone'sowndeathisthusminimizedfrom thisverballydistancedperspective. Somepeoplecompetewithdeath.Theytemptitwithlife riskingactivities.Othersworkhardtowinafewpointsin lifebeforelosingthegame;theyseektoleavetheirmarkon theworldbeforetheirfinalplayismade.Othersdistance themselvesfromdeathartisticallyorwithsocialrituals. Forexample,theDaysoftheDeadarecelebratedinparts ofMexico.Candiesaremadeintheshapeofskulls, skeletonpuppetsdance,paintingswithdeaththemesare displayed,songsaboutdeatharesung. Someseekimmortalitythroughdisciplinesorarcane knowledge,faithorsocialcontribution,orsomeother means.Andmanyhedgetheirbetsbyadoptingmorethan oneofthesemethods. Despiteoureveryeffort,westillretainaninnatefearof personaldeath.GregoryZilboorgwrotethatthere"always lurksthebasicfearofdeath."ErnestBecker,inTheDenial ofDeath,arguedthatnooneisimmunefromthisfear. Morita,too,pointedoutthisdreadoftheendpointoflife. Characteristically,Moritaalsopointedoutitsusefulnessto theindividualandtothespecies.Unpleasantthoughitmay betocringebeforethenotionoftermination,thisfear

promptsnotonlyactsofselfpreservationbutalsoself developmentandpersonalachievement.Intheearlyyears ofthetwentiethcenturyMoritahadalreadyseentheclose relationshipbetweenselfprotectionandactualization.Itis notonlythatwedesiretolive,butthatwedesiretolive fully,tolivewell,tolivetoourmaximumcapacity. Furthermore,weresistwithgreatenergyand determinationanythingthatstandsinthewayofthisliving oflifetoitsfullest. Sometimessuchbarriersarewithinourselves.Westruggle withourownemotionsandhabitsofbehaviorinanattempt topushawaythedeathlikegripoflimitedliving.That struggleisthemainreasonforyourreadingthisbook.In thesewritingsyoufindinformationtohelpyoudirectyour effortseffectively. ViktorFrankl,inMan'sSearchforMeaningwroteof tuckingourdeedssafelyintothecalendarofthepast.I wantmuchthesamethingformystudents.Thatis,ayear fromnowtheyshouldbeabletolookbackandseehow muchtheydidthatneededdoinginthisyearnothow muchturnedoutwell,orevenhowmuchwasfinally accomplished.Itisthequalityofthedoinginwhichwetake pride.Again,"takepride"isn'tthesameas"feelingpride" orbeingboastfulaboutadeed.Takingprideinsomething isaqualityoftheactandnotaqualityofmineasIlook backonit.Theexperienceissomethingakintowatchinga professionalfootballplayerorasymphonyconductor.Ican respectandadmirewhattheydo,even"takeprideinit,"

withoutclaimingcreditfortheirwork.TheIofthepastis someoneakintome,andIcareabouthishistoricaldoing, butheisnotme,now. WhyWaterBearsNoScars Tosomedegreeweallwritethenovelsofourlivesinour minds.Weorganizeourpaststogiveourselvesorderlyand memorablehistories(thereareentirepsychotherapy systemsdevotedtothattask);wecreatedramasand villainsandelaborateplots.Weanticipatenewchapters andavarietyofendings.And,aboveall,wecreateinour mindsthecharacterwewillplayinourlifenovels. Lifedoesnotcometousintheformofanovel.Itdoesn't bringtheorderlinessandconsistencyofastructured creation.Ourmindsreorganizeexperiencetofitthe scriptedformwecreateforourselves.Thatiswhywemay scarourselvesunnecessarily.Wecanbuildinunnecessary paintoourlivesbycreatingtragedieswhenthereareonly events,bycreatingconsistentlyweakandsuffering characterswhenthereareonlymomentsandmore momentsoflifeexperience. ConstructiveLivingdealswiththisorganizingscreenour mindsthrowuptocreatelifenovels.ThroughConstructive Livingwelearntoconnectmorecloselywiththeinfinitely moreinterestingandvariedrealitythatpresentsitselfto us.Itisaboutabandoningthedependenceonscriptingour livesforsufferingandaboutgettingonwithliving constructively,productively.Thedistortedordercreatedby

saying,"Iamthissortofperson,""Mypastwasflawedin suchandsuchaway,""Sheshouldn'tbethewaysheis,""I'll neverbecomethatsortofperson,""Lifewillalwaysbring methesekindsofproblems,""Thereisnofuturefor someonelikeme,"isafictitiousorganizationofreality createdbythemind.ThroughConstructiveLivingwe considerwaystoviewrealityonamorebasicandmore flexiblelevel.Weofferexercisestoactualizethoseviews. Thisrealisticperspectivegoesalongwaytowardallowing ustomakeneededmomentbymomentchangesinour lives. Canyoualreadyseethatlifeneverpresentsuswith "problems,"onlywithevents?Canyoualreadyseethatthe notionof"personality"isasortofabstractedfictionthat doesn'texistinoureverydaylives?Canyoualreadysee thatourmemoriesofthepastandourexplanationsofwhy wedidwhatwedidinthepastareoversimplified caricaturesofwhatwewerereallyexperiencingthen?Can youseethatthechangeablenessthatisyouneednotbe boundbylabelssuchas"neurotic"or"lazy"or"coldhearted" or"lonely"or"insecure"?Ifyoualreadyseeandlivethese truths,thenthereisreallynoneedtoreadfurther.You alreadypossessthefreedomofferedhere.Youarealready freedfromyourlifenovel.Youarelivinginreality. TokukoShimboisthewifeofawellknownMoritatherapist inTokyo.Shehascometoknowtheprinciplesof ConstructiveLivingintimately.Sheconsiderstheneurotic peoplesheencounterstobe"tonedeafaboutlife(seikatsu

onchi,inJapanese)."Theytrytoforcethenaturalpitchand rhythmofeverydaylifeintoanartificiallyconstructed imageofhowlifeoughttobescripted.Theyforcetheirlife novelscriptsonothers.Theymissthemelodyofwhatis. Arushingstreamofwaterflowsaroundtheobstaclesthat standinitsway.Itdoesn'tstoptodwellontheinjuries sustainedbyaprojectingrockorasubmergedlog.Itkeeps movingtowarditsgoal,encounteringeachdifficultyasit appears,respondingactively,thenmovingalong downstream.Thestreamhasnoimaginationtocreate unchangingstoriesofitsexistence.Itwashesawayitsown woundsinitspresentpurposefulness.Waterbearsnoscars. V.NeuroticMoments OrdinaryPeople ThevastmajorityofpeoplewhocomeforConstructive Livingtraininginlifemanagementaren'todd.Theydon't standoutinacrowd.Theydorecognize,acutely,thatthey aren'tlivinguptotheirpotential.Theydosense,painfully, life'sblowsandpressures.Onsomeleveltheyareaware thattheycannotmaketheworldintotheidealworldthey haveinmind,sotheycometoworkonthemselves.They learnthatworkingonthemselvesalsoinvolvesworkingon theworldandchangingthemselvesalsoresultsinchanging theworld.Wearelinkedinseparablywithour circumstances.Infact,juststartingtostudythis

constructivelifeprocesschangesourcircumstancesandso changesus. Kenlivesinhisofficewarehouse.Herarelyleavesit.All aroundhimareremindersofthecurrentsadstateofhis business.Hefeelsguiltyaboutsomeofhisbusiness practices;heworriesaboutlosingmoneyinrecentventures; hedespairswhenhemakesmoneybecauseofincreased incometaxassessments;heavoidsbringinghisaccounting systemuptodate;hefeelstrappedandisolatedand alienated.Kenismiserable.Itisatragicobservationthat Kendoesn'tseemtobemiserableenough!Ifhewere sufferingmorehemightgetoutofhisworksetting,findan apartment,trysomeclassesatalocalcommunitycollege, joinaclub,expandhisworldbeyondbuyingandselling. ThemoreKencomplainsabouthiscircumstancesthe angrierandmorehopelesshebecomes.Thereisinitially somereleasewhenKengetssomethingoffhischest,a catharsis.Butcontinuedcomplainingsimplymakeshima skillfulcomplainer.Itisthesame,ofcourse,forallofus. OneofKen'sassignments,onehefrequentlyforgets,isto refrainfrompouringouthistroublestoothersinhis everydaycontactswiththem.Notonlydoesitbecome unpleasantforhisfriendsandrelativestolistentohis tirades,butitisunproductiveforKen.Hemustgethis mindoffhimselfandontowhatmustbedonetoimprovehis situation.WhenKenreverseshishabitsandbecomesa leaningpostforothershisproblemswillbegintoreduce theirdimensionsinhismind.Notetheorderofchangethat

isnecessary.Itisnotthatwemustsomehowstraightenout Keninordertomakehimworthyofandhelpfultoothers. Instead,Kenmuststartbecomingalisteningsupportto othersandthenhewillbegintostraightenout.The constructivedoingcanactuallyprecedefeelingreadyto undertakesuchaselfgivingproject. Solwaspressuredbyafriendtosniffcocaineataparty. Frightened,Solpretendedtotryitbutconcealedthedrug andthrewitawaylater.Cocainewouldhavebeenaneasy temporaryescapefrommiseryforthisaffluentmiddleaged bachelor.ButsomethinginSoliswillingtoendure sufferingabitlongerinordertoembraceamore constructivesolutiontohismisery.Solisalsoresisting pressuresfromhisfamilytoreturntolivewiththemandto pursuethecareertheyhaveselectedforhim.Allthis resistanceisdifficultandpainfulforSol.Butitreflectsa solidcoreofstrengthandgoodjudgmentthatisn'tgivingin toimmediatediscomfort. Ontheotherhand,likeKen,Solisn'thurtingenough.His unpleasantworksituation,hislyinginbedinthemornings, hisfailuretoseekanythingmorefromwomenthansexual contacts,hisinattentiontohisphysicalconditionand appearance,andhisdependencyonhisfamilykeephimin astateofsufferingthatpromptscomplaintsandself criticismbutverylittleactiontochangehiscircumstances. Ifheweremoremiserablehemightbecomedesperate enoughtoworkhimselfoutoftheseconditions.

"Peoplearealwayslettingmedown,"complainsFrank.He findsusalllacking.Frankisafundraiser,middleaged, withbigeyesandaboyishsmile.Hewasaflowerchildof thesixtiesgrownupintoabusinessmanoftheeightiesand nineties.Heispulledbetweentheinnocentsearchforsome sortofspiritualtranscendenceandthecutthroatworldof moneymaking.Nowguilty,nowgloating;nowseeing throughthecrap,nowdivingintoit.Frank'sLSDinsights aresometimesblurredbyeldinero,butnoterased.He longsforsomethingbeyondthedollarsign.Hislife reverberateswithdisappointment. WhenbusinessgoeswellFrankdriftsanddrinksandfalls behindinhiscommitmentstotheworld.Whenhisbusiness andpersonalworldsinevitablycollapseFrankhurtsand bucklesdownandcatchesuponhisdebts.Then, predictably,lifegoesprettywellforthenexthalfcycle. Sometimeswewondertogether,FrankandI,whichis betterforhimfeastorfamine?Goodtimesorbad?Andwe wonder,"Whicharethegoodtimes?" Gardening Theoldman,bentoverbyhisweedingtask,movesslowly fromraisedrowtorow.Thelettuceanddaikonradishand Chinesecabbagearesurroundedbytheirrepressible optimismofkoaandnutgrassandmilkweed.Behindhim thebedsofyamsandpeanutsandpeasareclearofweeds, theresultsofyesterday'swork.Butsproutsofsensitive plantandkoaandcastorbeanarealreadyshowingamong

thestringbeansandMauionionshehadclearedearlierin theweek.Bythetimeheworksthroughtoday'svegetable bedsandtomorrow'sformationsofzinnias,marigolds,and chrysanthemums,thebeansandonionswillbefightingfor existencewiththeirtough,fastgrowingweedycompetitors. Alwaysbehind,fightingarearguardactionagainstthe invasion,theoldmanrefusestohurry.Carefully,carefully hepullseachgrassystalkbyhand. "You'vegottagettheroots,youknow.Break'emoffatthe stemandthey'reupagainthenextday." Hecannotwinthiswar.Theweedsareinexhaustible.Wave afterwavetheycome,borneontheHawaiianbreeze.Still hestoopsandplucksthemfromtheearth,protectinghis pamperedleafyconfederates.Ifyouaskhimwhyhedoesn't giveuphishopelesscourseandyieldtotheinevitabilityof hisgarden'sreturntoitswildstate,hepauses,puzzledfor amomentbythequestion. "Idon'thavetoworkonthewholegardenatonce,"he observes."justthispart,now.Thenthatpart,thenthenext part,overthere.Gottheseweedstopullnow...betterget onwithit." Hereturnstohistask.Tonightfordinnerhewillhave onionsandbeansandyamsandfreshpeasforhis persistence.Whileheeats,theweedsoutsidewillkeepon growing. Iamimpressedbythepersistenceofweeds,butmore impressiveisthepersistenceofpeoplewhocontinueto

battletheweedsintheirlivesknowingthatthereisnoend tothetask.Thistruestoryisaboutthereassuringprospect thatthereisonlyoneweedthatneedstobepulledatany time. WhereWeLive Marlenecomplainsthatshe'snotearningthirtythousand dollarsayear.Irwinworriesbecausehehasnopayingjob atall.Margeishavingtroublewithherhusband.Larry yearnsforthatpromotion.DoesitseemstrangethatI askedallofthesepeoplehowcarefullytheybrushedtheir teeththatmorning?Whocaresaboutbrushingteethwhen thesemajorlifeproblemsappear?Marlenetellsmethatif shemakesmorethanthirtythousanddollarsinayear, she'lltaketimetocleanherteethwithdentalfloss,too.But rightnow,there'snotimetowasteonsuchhygienic trivialities. Despitethecommercialsfortoothpastetothecontrary thereisnothingmagicalaboutsparklingwhiteteeththat willattractcompanionsandensurebusinesssuccess.But thosewhoneglectthedetailsofdailylifelosesomething worthmorethanthirtythousanddollars.IfMarlenedoes well,withfullattention,whatlifebringstohertodo momentbymoment,thenhersalarytakesitsproperplace inperspective.Irwincanfindsatisfactionin wholeheartedlyseekingajob,keepinghisappearanceneat, evenvacuumingthehouse.Margewillprofitfromdoingher houseworkwell,artfullydiscussingherdilemmawithher

husband(whateverhechoosestodoabouthermessage), helpingthechildrenwiththeirhomework,collectingrare coins,findingworkoutsidethehome,separatingfromher spouse,orwhatevershedecidesneedsdoing. Ofteninlifewehavenodirectcontrolovertheoutcomeof majoreventsinourlives.Fateorpeopleinauthorityover usortheagingprocessorsomethingelsemayturnan eventonewayoranother.Butlifecontinuestopresenttous "small"events,chancestocontrolthewayweturnona radio,chancestoreachgracefullyforthesoapinthe shower,chancestodustandmendandwashdisheswell. Eachofthese"small"eventsgivesustheopportunityto developourattentionandourcharacterinfinitesimally.The accumulatedeffectispowerfulandvisible,bothtoourselves andtoothers.Larrymaynevergetthepromotion,buthe canbuildhimselfattheofficeandathome,whetherthe promotioncomesornot,allthewhiledoinghisbesttolobby foranddeservethepromotionthatmaycomehisway. Whytrytobaselifeonwhatmayormaynotoccur?Why evaluatesuccessintermsofsomethingwecannot completelycontrol?Lifeisbuiltonmomentbymoment doing.Thosemomentsareallwehave.Themomentof receivingthatpromotionisonlyonesuchmoment.Tobe sure,thatmomenthasimplicationsforwhatlifepresentsto Larrylateron,too.Butwhateverthoseimplicationsifhe getsalargerofficewithawindow,forexampletherewill stillbeonlymoremomentswithdifferentchallenges,other opportunitiestogroworslipback.

WashingAwayOurScars Stephenwakesupinthemorningfeelinglikeafailure.He wishesthefeelingwouldgoaway.ButStephenisnotliving alifethatanyonewouldcallsuccessful.Themessagehis mindissendinghimseemsperfectlyappropriateandeven positive.Thatis,hismindistellinghim(andme)thatit won'tbesatisfiedwiththepassive,nonconstructivelife Stephenisleading.Oddly,Iamencouragedbythis discomfortingcommunication. Ratherthantryingtoerasethisimportantmessageabout failurewithpositivethinkingortranquilizers,Irecommend toStephenthathethankhismindeachtimethatmessage ofdissatisfactionappears.Hismindwillcontinuetomake himmiserableuntilhechangeshisactions.After expressinggratitudeforthemessage,heneedstoturn immediatelytowhatneedsdoingrightnowthatwill changehisfailinglifestyle. AtarecentmeetinginJapanayoungwomanaskedmy adviceaboutherproblemwithneedlesandpins.She worriesthatshehaslostaneedlesomewhere.Evenwhen shecountstheneedlesbeforeandafterusingthem,andshe comesupwiththesamenumber,sheworriesthatshelost oneonanearlieroccasion. Itoldherthatbeingcarefulaboutneedlesisnother problem.Itisagoodideatobecarefulaboutthem.People whoarecarelessinsuchmattersarelikelytofind themselvespainfullyremindedoftheirnegligence.Her problemisinnotdoingthenextthingthatneedstobedone

aftercheckingthatshehasproperlyreturnedallthe needlesandpinssheusedduringasewingsession. Whenshedevelopsthehabitofturningtothenexttask immediatelyandsmoothly,herattentionwillbedrawninto theworkorplayathandandwon'tlingeronthepast matteroftheneedles.Althoughshebelievesthather difficultyliesinherfixationontheneedles,itreallylies withinthelatermatterofwhatshedoes(ordoesn'tdo). Theconcernaboutneedlesliketheworrybeforean examinationortheanxietyaboutone'shealthorthedread oflearningtodriveorthefearofmakingamistakeinfront ofothersortheshynesswhenmakinganewacquaintance isnatural.Anxietyisnatural.Shynessisnatural. Anticipatoryworryisnatural.Allfeelingsarenatural. Theyareonlyproblemswhenweallowthemtohinderwhat wedo.Theybecomeproblemswhenwetrytostrugglewith themandtrytocontrolthemwithourwill. AmuchbetterstrategytheoneIsuggestedtothisyoung ladyistoaccepttheconcernasitis,aspartofherreality atthemoment,andgetonaboutthecookingorvacuuming orlaunderingordressingforthepartyorwhatever. Helentellsmeherparentsdon'tproperlyloveher.Iaskher tolookatthespecificwaysinwhichherfailuretohold downajob,hershyness,andherreluctancetotalktoher parentshavecausedtroubleforthem.Stacynotesthathis wifeandchildrenblamehimforbeingeithertooconfining ortoolaxinthewayhedisciplineshischildren.His childrenshowadolescentrebelliousness,andhiswifeisnot

theperfecthousekeeperhewisheshertobe.Iaskhimto noticethefavorsthesehouseholdmembersbestowonhim andtoofferawordofgratitudeforeventhesmallest thoughtfuldeed.Stacytellsmethathealreadyremindshis daughterwhenshefailstosaythankyouatanappropriate time.Ipointoutthatitishiswordsofthanksthatareat issuehere,nothisdaughter's.Heishavingnotroublewith suchmatters,heinsists.Iaskhimtogoevenbeyondthe levelhehasachievedsofar,toofferverbalappreciationfor theslightesteffortofhiswifeandchildren,nomatter whetherhetrulyfeelsthecircumstancetobetrivial,no matterwhetherheseeszeropositiveresponsefromthem forhisefforts,nomatterwhetherheisfeelingangryor regretfulorunappreciatedatthetime.Theformaloneis sufficientatthisstageofstudy. Peoplewhosufferagreatdealfromanxietymaynot recognizetheinconveniencetheirproblemsarecausing othersaroundthem.Althoughsomeofmystudentsare acutelyawareofdifficultiestheycauseothers(andthat awarenessaddstotheirmisery),neitherthosewhoare awarenorthosewhoareunawareareactivelyinvolvedin reducingtheinconvenienceofothers.Theyaresoinvolved infightingtheirownconditionthattheylackenergyand attentiontobehelpfultoothers. Often,Ifinditusefultorecommendthatmystudents reflectonthespecific,concretewaysinwhichtheirneurotic behaviorcausestroubletopeoplearoundthem.Atthesame timeIaskthemtopayattentiontotheeffortsofothersin

theirbehalf.Thereisimmediateresistancewheneverthese combinedexercisesareassigned.Whowantstoworkonan assignmentthatwillmakethemfeelguilty?Whathave otherseverdoneforthem?Whynotworkdirectlyontheir ownpersonalproblemratherthanpayingsomuch attentiontoothers?Theresistancetotheseassignments takesmanyforms:somecomplain,someforgettocarryout theassignments,someforgetwhattheassignmentswere, somedon'treturnforanothersession,somesimplyrefuseto considersuchafoolishtask.Butthosewhodiligentlylook atthetroublestheycauseothersandthefavorsothersare doingforthemfindtheexerciseofgreatvalue. FormerStudents Fredtellsmethattheworkheputinyesterdayonhis accountswas"totallywasted."Hislifeis"absolutelyawful." Heisa"completefailure,""worthless,""suppressedby everythingandeverybody."Immediatelyandautomatically Fredattachesastrongvaluelabeltothoughtsastheyarise inhismind.Thishabitofthinkingisacombinationofa neurotic"allornothing"attitudeandneurotic perfectionism.Itisboththecauseandeffectofan unrealisticviewoftheworld. AcornerstoneofConstructiveLivingistheattitudeof arugamama.Arugamamaispreciselytheoppositeattitude tothatofFred's.Arugamamameansacceptingrealityasit is.TheJapaneseworditselfmeansliterally,"asitis."As realitypresentsitselftooursenses,ourmindsorganizethe

stimuliintomeaningfulpatterns.Somepeoplehave developedthementalhabitofattachingextremevalue labelsandabsolutistadjectivestothesepatternedevents. Whenitishot,itis"terribly"hot;whenitiscold,itis "unbearably"cold.Theredlightthathaltstheirprogressis a"damned"redlight.Themalfunctioningcanopener "never"worksright.Andsoon. Thesepoorhabitsofthoughtinterferewiththereadinessof theneuroticpersontorespondpromptlyandproperlytothe needsofthesituation.Obstaclesappearinsurmountable, setbacksseemdevastating,inconveniencesbecome paralyzing.Thefirststepinchangingthisunsatisfying orientationistonoticethatitoccurs.Ifrequentlyinterrupt Fred'slong,complainingmonologuestopointouthisuseof absolutesandstrongvaluelabelsinhisspeech.Fredisa quickmindedfellow.Hebeginstonoticethemandtopoint themouthimselfwithasmallsmileofrecognition.He beginsjoiningthegameofidentifyinghisspeechhabits. Habitstaketimetobreak,justastheytooktimetoform. SoFredwillfallbackintoneuroticthoughtpatternsagain andagainbeforebreakingthroughthem.Oneofthe techniquesthatwillhelpFredistopresenthimwithnew stimulihehasn'talreadylabeledanddismissed.Fredis selfemployed.Hisbusinessallowshimtoleavehisoffice andwarehousewhenhewants,butinfacthestaysthere, practicallylivesthere,nearlyallofhiswakinghours.I assignlongwalks,tripstothebeachandtolocalparks, visitstonearbyuniversityresearchlibraries.Thesenovel

inputsfromrealitywillpresentFredwiththeopportunity todevelopthenewhabitsofthinkingthatwetalkaboutin oursessions. Muchofmyworkconsistsofsayingthesamethingsover andoveragaininnovelwayssoastoholdtheattentionof mystudents.ConstructiveLivingtheoryisnotsocomplex. Itisthedetailedapplicationofthetheorythattakes minuteattentionandpersistence.Byusingavarietyof illustrationsandanalogiesIcanholdthestudent's attentionandreinforcethepointsofConstructiveLiving throughrepetition.Noveltyandsurpriseareusefultoolsin gettingmyjobdone. Salisinhislatethirtiesandnotdoingmuchwithhislife, accordingtohismother'spointofview.Shehasbigplans forSal.Shewantshimtogotoauniversityforadvanced degreesinengineering.Shewantshimtowearawhite shirtandtieandtoworkinanoffice.Sal,ontheother hand,enjoysworkingwithhishands.Heisaskillful mechanic,inneedofthephysicalactivityandconcrete problemsolvingthatworkingonanautomobileprovide. Salisn'tstupid.Herealizesthathemustdowhatheknows needstobedone,notwhathismotherhasdecidedforhim. Hesometimesargueswithherovertheissueofhiscareer. Saltriestoconvinceherthatsheshouldseethingshisway. Afterall,itishislifeandhisworktheyaretalkingabout. Sal'smistakeisintryingtomakehismothersatisfiedwith hischoiceofoccupation.Heropinionsarefinejustasthey are.Salistryingtoaccomplishpreciselywhatheobjectsto

inhismother'sefforts.Heistryingtoimposehischoiceand willuponher.Thereisnoneedforthemtoviewthisissue withthesameeyes.Allowinghismotherherown perspectivecouldevenprovideherwithamodelforher eventualallowanceofSal'sperspective.Confrontationis worsethanuselessinthissituation;itisactuallyharmful. Acceptanceandwaitingaremorelikelytoresolvethe difficulty.Meanwhile,Salmustgosteadilyabouthischosen workdoingitwithattentionandcraftsmanshipwithout tryingtocontroltheuncontrollable. WhenMoritawastreatingawomanwithdirtphobia,he tookhertoothbrushfromheraftershehaduseditand, withoutwashingit,brushedhisownteethwithit.The patientwasshockedtoseethishighlyrespectedprofessor ofpsychiatryusingher"contaminated"toothbrush.The impressionhadsuchimpactthathersymptomswere relieved.OnceagainMoritahaddemonstratedthe importanceofactionasateachingdevice.Verbal instructionandprobinginsightmaybehelpfulinthe resolutionofneuroticproblems,buttheyaren'tsufficientin themselves,eitherfortheinstructororforthestudent. ThroughoutConstructiveLivingthereareparallels betweentheinstructor'sactionandattitudeandthatwhich isexpectedfromthestudentsinordertosurmounttheir disorders.ConstructiveLivinginstructorsactuallymodel thelifewaytheyarerecommendingtotheirstudents. Itis7:30A.M.Ijustfinishedtalkingwithastudentforhalf anhouronthetelephone.Paulcalledtotellmeabouthow

terriblehislifeisthesedays.Anattorneyfailedtofilesome courtpapersresultinginthelossofthousandsofdollars.A workerwhowashiredtorepairsomeofPaul'spropertyin preparationforsellingitdoesn'tappeartobedoingany work,andPaulishavingdifficultycontactingtheman. Afterworkingonanumberofdraftsofabusinessletter Paulfinallycalledafriendtowriteitforhim.Onandon, Paulcomplainsaboutthepoorserviceheisgettingfrom reality. IassignedPaulthetaskofspeakingonlypositivelyforthe restoftheday.Wearescheduledforanindividualteaching sessiontomorrowmorning.UntilthattimePaulisto refrainfromcomplainingtoanyoneaboutanything.Heisto findsomethingpositivetosaytoeveryoneheencounters. Heistoexpresspraiseandgratitudetoallwhocomein contactwithhimtodayregardlessofhowhereallyfeels.I instructedhimtobeanactor,toplayapartuntilthepart becomeshisreality. IaminstructingPaultobottleuphisdissatisfactionrather thanexpressingit.Iaminstructinghimtobe"unreal"in thesenseofactingalonglinesthataren'tinaccordwithhis feelings.Myguidancewouldbringaboutshockedhorrorin sometherapycircles.ButforPaulinthistimeandinthese circumstancessuchanassignmentisappropriate.AndPaul himselfknowsit!Hehasnotroubleexpressinghis unhappinessaboutthewaytheworldistreatinghim.He hasbeenexpressiveinthiswayforyearsandthe complaintshaveledhimintodeeperanddeepermisery.

PaulsensesthatConstructiveLiving'sapproachoffersa wayoutofhisnegativism.InthepastwhenPaulwastrue tohisfeelings,hewasonlyactinginconcertwithsomeof hisfeelings,theoneshechosetofocuson,thenegative ones.ThereareotherfeelingsinPaulthathavebeen ignoredandunderplayed.Thosefeelingsaccompanydesires togrowandgivetoothersandstretchouthislifeinamore positivedirection.Weshallseehowmucheffortheputs intopracticingtheassignments.Again,itisthedoingthat willchangePaul'sfeelingsandnotviceversa. VI.NeuroticMistakes PublicMisconceptions Arecentmagazineadreads: "Barbara'sproblemisn'therweight.Herweightisonlya symptom.Asymptomofaseriousillness.She'sphysically addictedtofoodandpsychologicallyobsessedwithit. "Shedoesn'tneedmorediets.Sheneedsprofessional medicalcare." Itishardtoaccepttheideathatanyonecouldbelievesuch foolishness.Barbara'sproblemisherweight.Betteryet,the photographshowsthatBarbaraisfat.Barbaraisbetteroff facingtherealitythatconfrontsherthanhidingbehind someludicrouspseudomedicallabelofillness.Shemay haveotherproblems,too,ofcourse.Buttoattempttodefine themallasmedicalproblemsistomakealloflifemedical. Shedoesneedadiet,andexercise.Sheneedstochange

whatsheeatsandhowmuchsheeatsand,probably,when sheeats.Herproblemofoverweightisnomoremedical thantheproblemoflazinessorpessimismorcriminality. Weareall"physicallyaddictedtofood."Wehadbetterbeif wewishtostayalive.Weallbecomepsychologically obsessedwithfoodwhenwehaven'teatenforalongwhile. Barbara'sproblemisneitheraddictionnorobsession.She eatstoomuch;sheexercisestoolittleorimproperly.Let'sbe realistic. Alcoholism,too,hascometobemislabeledasillnessby some,ashasneurosis.Iwaitfortheadprogramsthatwill promoteatreatmentforthe"illnessofjealousy,"or"Cure badpenmanshipmedically!"or"EnterLawngreenHospital andovercomeyourlaziness."Itisalltooeasytosidestep responsibilityforwhatwedobylabelingourprobleman illness,amedicalproblem.Butitissheerabsurdity. SeekingtheMagicalBrazier Howdesperatelyandpersistentlymystudentsseek salvationoutsideofthemselves!Theyarecertainthatthere issomewonderfulwarmingcurrentthatwillmelttheicein theirlivesforthem.Sometimestheytrytoputmeinthe roleofsavior.Sucheffortalwaysleadstodisappointment.I neversavedanyone.Untilthestudentslearntomeltinto realitytheyremainfrozenhardintheirselfconsciousness: IfIchangedmytherapistperhapsI'dgetbetter.

IfImovedcloserto(fartherfrom)mywork(mylover,that nicersectionoftown,areligiousfacility,thehospital)life wouldgowellforme. IfItooktherightcombinationofmedications(vitamins, herbs)allthetroublewithmyemotionswouldgoaway. Ifmyfamily(thebank,myboss)gavemethemoneyIneed tostartoverIwouldn'thaveanymoreproblems. IfIchangedjobs(lovers,dreams)allwouldbefine. IfIcouldjustfindagoodman(woman)Icouldsettledown andmyworrieswouldbeover. IfIfeltbetter(hadmoreconfidence,worriedless,felt braver,lovedmyselfmore)I'dmakesomesolidchangesin mylife. Thesearchforsourcesofsalvationneverceases.WhenI challengethesearchitselfmystudentmaybecomequite emotional,Thereissomecomfortinbelievingthatthere existssomewhereasavingcondition,whetheritisinour graspornot.Unfortunately(orfortunately),thereisno salvationfromoutside.Thereisonlyacceptanceandproper action.Thereisonlyholdingtopurposethroughstormsof emotion.Thereisonlyunderstandingandactingbasedon bestknowledge.Thesoftpaddingisgone,buttheresources aresufficientanddependable,intime. PuttingLifeOffuntilTomorrow OneofourConstructiveLivingmaximsis"Don'tputyour lifeonhold."Whilewaitingfortheresultsofajobinterview

oranexamination,orevenwhilestoppedatastoplightor waitingforthewaterintheteapottoboilorwaitingfora computertobootuporanInternetdocumenttodownload, somepeopleseemtoturnofftheirminds,todriftalong withoutnoticingwhatrealityissendingthemduringthose "inbetween"moments.Everymomentisworthyoffull attentionanddedicatedaction;everymomentholdsthe potentialforuseinbuildingacharacterthatis"realistic"in thefinestsenseofthatword. Puttingoffunpleasantordifficulttasksisasimilarsortof habitwithdysfunctionalconsequences.Notlongagoa leakyradiatorshotsteamintoaroominmyhomewhileI wasoutoftown.Ireturnedtofindthepaintpeelingand flakingoffthewalls.Thesupportforadraperyrodhad pulledloosefromitsanchorintheplaster.Thissituationis typicalofthesortoftaskthatwon'tgoaway;theroom won'trepairitselfhowevermuchImightwishittodoso. Procrastinationwouldsimplyaddtomydiscomfortbecause Iwouldberepeatedlyremindedofthedifficultwork awaitingme;theunsightlywallwouldreappeareach morning,andthestruggletogetmyselftodothetask wouldtakeupincreasingamountsofenergy.Inthiscase, therewereacoupleofdaysinwhichIhadother commitments,soIwasunabletogettotherepairwork immediately.OnandoffduringthoseinterveningdaysI feltratheroutofsorts,recallingthescraping,repainting, andrepairsthatlayahead.

Theprojecttookalmostanentireday,buttheresultwas rewarding,andthementalburdenoftheunaccomplished task,whichhadbeencarriedfortwodays,disappeared. Realitydoesn'tbringusthingstodoaccordingtosome idealschedulethatwehaveplannedinourminds. Sometimesitseemstobeatthemostinconvenienttime thatwearepresentedwithataskthatrequiresimmediate attention.Carsbreakdown,roofsleak,friendscry,weeds grow,dustaccumulates,correspondencepilesup,bills arrive,guestsappear,andsoforth.Jumpingintoreality, actingasthemomentrequires,eliminatessomeofthe unnecessarysufferingthataccompaniesprocrastination andwishingthatlifewereotherwise.Involvementinthe doingnotonlymovesustowardachievementofthe immediateproject,butitalsodistractsourattentionfrom thefoolishandunnecessaryhabitoffocusingonour miserablybadluck. Wealonecreateneuroticstrugglesinlife.Realitymerely presentsissuesandproblemsforresolution.Theneurotic strugglesweexperienceareinternalevaluationsthatwe addtothecircumstancepresentedtous.Noarchitect ordainsIwillface117pleasantlifeoperationsand114 unpleasantonestoday.Theysimplycomeastheycomeand Idefinethemso.Althoughwerequirechallengestoliveat ourpeak,todefinetheseexperiencesasstrugglesand regrettheirpersistenceisunnecessary;itisourresponseto themthatisvital.

Towaitwhenactionisnecessaryisafailuretorespondto theneedsofthesituation.But,toactwhenwaitingisthe bettersolutionisnobetter.LikemanyWesterners,Itendto leantowardactionwheninactionismoreappropriate.I wantaresponsefromtheworldinmytimeframe,atmy convenience.Tobesure,Iamwillingtoworkhardtoget theresultsIhopefor.Butworkinghardatwaitingis difficult. NoticeIamcarefultowriteaboutwaitingandinaction ratherthanwritingaboutpatience.ItistruethatI'mtoo oftenimpatient.Butpatienceisafeelingoranattitudeora stateofmind.Patienceissomethingthatwehaveordon't haveinanygivenmoment.Ican'tcreatepatiencebymy willanymorethanIcancreateloveorcourage.Andyou can'teither.Patiencemaybedevelopedindirectlythrough theactofwaitingagainandagain.Patienceisacquired overtime,throughattentiontowhatwedo.Asweprune andnurturecertaindeeds,weindirectlyinfluencewhatwe thinkandfeel.Thus,wechangewhoweare.Patienceisno differentfromotherfeelings.Itisdevelopedbyselectively doing.Bywaiting,wemakeourselvesintomorepatient people. ThekindofpatiencethatweaimforinConstructiveLiving maybecalled"productive"patience.Itisbasedupon productivewaiting,whichmeansbeingactiveinanother areawhilewaitingforsomedesiredresult.Itmeans keepingoureyesoffthepotthathasn'tyetboiled.Itmeans allowingourfriendsandmatestimetoworkthroughtheir

ownthoughtsandfeelingsandnotforcingthemtodeal withissuesaccordingtoourowntimetables,ourown convenience.Itmeansallowingthegluewecall"time"to setcompletelybeforetestingit. Productivewaitingmeansassertingourselveswhen necessary,butthencoollyevaluatingtheoutcomeofour effortsanddecidingwhatneedstobedonenext.Justas important,productivewaitingmeansgoingaboutother businessandplay,whilethesituationisripening.Itmeans turningawayfully,involvingourselveswholeheartedlyin someotherpursuit,untilthepropertimecomestoresume theattackontheproblem.Itmeansovercomingour obsessionswithourownpersonaltimeconstraints,ourown concerns,andourownconvenience. By"ourownconvenience"hereIamcontrastingmorethan simplyourownpersonalconveniencewiththatofsome otherperson.Theworldaboutushasatimetableofitsown. Eventsripenattheirownpace.Trafficmovesalongthe freewayindependentofmyappointmentsanddesires.Ican choosetoturnontosidestreetsiffreewaytrafficgets bottledup.ButifIchoosetostayonthefreeway,Icannot ignorethespeedofthecarsaroundmemomentbymoment. Perhapssomeofyouareexpectingtoreadheresometips abouthowtocomfortablyandskillfullygoaboutpracticing thisproductivewaiting.Ifso,Imustdisappointyou.Iknow ofnoeasywaytokeepmymindoffthosechocolatechip cookiesbakingintheoven.Ihavefound,though,that puttingmybodyinanotherroominfrontofsomeabsorbing

taskmakesthewaitingsomewhatmorebearable.Ihave foundalsothatthemoreIseeproductivewaitinginactual livingsituations,themoreInoticethepayoffs,andthe moreIamwillingtogivethiskindofwaitingatry.Still, thereisnothingIknowofthatmakeswaitingcomfortable oreasyinallsituations. I'llexpressitagain:ConstructiveLivingsuggestionsfor livingdon'tmakelifeeasy,buttheymakeitsensible,and theyputahandleonwhatiscontrollableinlife.Imistrust anyonewhooffersconstanthappiness,endlesssuccess, instantconfidence,oreffortlessselfgrowth.Somehow, thoseoffersnevergetdelivered. HeadsYouLose,TailsYouLose Ijusthadacallfromaclientwhowasfeelingterrible becausethecashierattheMotorVehicleDepartment treatedhimsowell.Hewascertainthathedidn'tdeserve suchkindtreatment. "Iwonderhowyouwouldhavefeltifshehadtreatedyou badly,"Imused. "Probablyterrible,"heconfessed. Isuspecthewasright.Hehassetupanowinsituationfor himself. ThelateDr.TakehisaKora,aprominentMoritatherapist inTokyo,toldthestoryofapatientwhocametohim complainingthathefearedgoinginsane.Koraexamined themanandexplainedthathewasn'tgoinginsane,rather

hewassufferingfromasortofphobiaaboutgoinginsane. Healsotoldthepatientthatpeoplewhoactuallydogo insanegenerallydosowithoutawareness,andthosewho worryaboutinsanitynevergocrazy;worryinginthat characteristicwayisalmostaguaranteethatitwon't happen.Themanfeltreassured. However,acoupleofweekslaterthepatientreturnedwith anewcomplaint. "I'mnotsoanxiousnowaboutgoingcrazy.SoIwonderif I'mnotindangernowofreallygoingcrazy." Headsheloses,tailsheloses.Newnessandchangeprovoke nowinresponsesfromsomepeople.Theyare uncomfortableintheircurrentsituations,buttheydread theunknownelementsofchange,too.Tostandstillistobe inpain;tomoveistocreatepain. OneprofessorIknowhadanirrationalfearthatbyreading highleveltheoreticalmaterialhewouldbecaughtupina worldofintriguingideasandsolosetouchwithreality.He recognizedthatthefearwasprobablygroundless,butit wasthevery"groundlessness"thatlefthimtremblingwith fascinationandterror.Ifhedidn'tkeepuptodate,hewas doomedprofessionally.Ifheread,heriskeddriftingoffinto etherealrealms,permanently. Whatthesepeoplehaveincommonisthattheylettheir thinkingfreezetheiraction.Theyareimmobilizedbytrying totakeintoconsiderationwhatmighthappen.Theywant tofigureoutalltheanglesbeforehand.Theywanttobe

assuredthateveryfuturestepissafe,painfree.Butlife offersnosuchguarantees.Sowhatcantheydo? Theymustactanyway,withoutconfidence,without assurance,withoutaclearviewofallpossibleoutcomes.We don'tneedtoknoweverythingabouteverythingbefore puttingourbodiesinmotion.Carefulconsiderationisworth ourtimeandattention,butstraddlingthefencewaitingfor everythingtobecomeabsolutelyclearandperfectlysafe offersonlysaddlesores.Ifyouareinpain,takethe constructivestepintotheunknownanddiscoverwhat realityhasinstoreforyouinthenextmoment. OnGeneralPrinciples ProfessorAneesSheikhtellsthestoryofayoungstudent fromIndiawhocametovisittheUnitedStates.Hewas accustomedtobrewingteafromloosetealeaves,sowhena teabagwasgiventohimhebegantotearitopen.Hishost toldhimthatinAmericawesimplydropthewholeteabag intoourcup.So,havinglearnedhislesson,hepickedupa packetofsugarandyouknowtherestofthatstory. Whatthestudentdidmakessomesense.Hecontinuedto operateontheprincipleof"nottearing."Buttheresults weren'tasexpected.Hisbehaviorturnedouttobe unrealistic.Weneedtokeepcheckingoutwhatwedo againstthestandardsofreality.Butsomepeopletryto figureoutmuchofrealityintheirminds,withoutactingon it.Becausetheyfailtoobservewhatreallyis,theyexpect realitytobeliketheirfantasiesandimaginings.

Asnotedabove,YozoHasegawapointedoutthatwecanbe obsessedwithpositiveobjectivesaswellasneurotic concerns.Hetalkedabouttheobsessionofsomesalaried menwiththeirworkandthesimilarityofthatobsessionto being"caught"byneuroticsymptoms.Bothneuroticpeople andworkaholicsshowakindofinflexibility,apoor adaptationtotherealitythatpresentsitselftothem. Peoplecanbeobsessedwithallsortsofthingsby succeeding,bymakingmoney,bybeinginlove,bytheir faults,bystudying,bysex,byneurotictendencies,bytheir work,byselfdevelopment,andsoforth.Noneofthese interestsisbadinitself.Thereisnothingwrong,for example,withwantingtobesuccessfulorfreeoffaults.The problemisthebeingcaught,thetoraware,whichfreezes attentionontheobsessionandturnsusawayfromtheopen acceptanceofreality. Iwouldsuggestthatwegoevenfurthertheoretically.Itis nottheneurosisthatwecorrectbyConstructiveLiving,but thetorawareitself.Neuroticsymptomsarenobetteror worsethanthedesiretosucceed,theimpulsetostudy,or thedreamofbuyinganewhome.Itistheobsessionwith anyofthesethatneedstobecorrected.Theobsession narrowsthethinkingandseparatesthepersonfromreality. Whenwefocusexclusivelyonanobsession(suchastrying togetridofneuroticsymptomsortryingtosucceedinour profession)wecannotseetherealityaroundus.Wecannot seewhatproperlyneedstobedoneineachmoment.Itis theobsessionitself,thatisthedifficulty.

Peoplecanbestuckonimagesorstereotypes,too.For example,someJapaneseseemtothinkthatAmericans mustbetall,sexy,assertive,openhearted,drinkersof alcoholandcoffee,eatersofgreatquantitiesofbread.They thinkallAmericanshaveswimmingpoolsintheirback yardsandhomebarbecueseveryweekend.AJapanese friend(whosehouseIhadvisitednumeroustimes)made meanespeciallylongfutonquiltedbeddingbecauseIama foreignerandsomustbetall.Salespeoplesuggestlarge sizesinshirtsandsuitsandslacksbecauseIama foreigner.Infact,Iamaboutthesameheightasthe averageJapanesemale,wearmediumsizeJapanese clothing,rarelyeatbread,anddon'tdrinkalcoholorcoffee. Manyforeignerssimplydon'tfitthestereotypeJapanese haveofthem.JustasmanyJapanesedon'tfitthe stereotypeAmericanshaveofthem.MostJapanesedon't eatsushieveryday,rarelyweargeta(woodenclogs),and don'tcarryacameraaroundwiththem.SomeJapanese sleepinabed,notonafloormatandfuton;theirhomes havecarpetsaswellastatamimatrooms,andsoforth. Therearestereotypesofwomen,too,thatproduceakindof toraware.ManyJapanesepeoplethinkthatwomenshould behousewives,stayingathometoraisechildren,shy, uninterestedinpoliticsoreconomics,expertsinshopping andflowerarrangementandteaceremony.Actually,many womeninJapanarenowworkingoutsidethehome(at leastparttime),somearechoosingnottomarry,someare successfulinbusinessandpoliticsandsports.Somewomen

arechoosingtomovebeyondthenarrowlimitsof stereotypes.Sothestereotypeswillchangelittlebylittlein JapanjustastheyhavebeenchangingintheUnited States.Generalprinciplescanbeusefultoolsfordirection ineverydaylife.Butwemustperiodicallycheckthem againstreality.Wecannotaffordtoletourselvesbecome rigidlyattachedtoprinciples,attitudes,andideasthatno longerfitreality(iftheyeverdid).ConstructiveLivingaims notsomuchatperfectconsistencyorunchanging perfection,butatflexible,naturalrealism. BlindSpots Somepeoplearehurtingsobadlythattheywanttobelike everyoneelse.Theyaremistakenintwoways.Theythink thatothersdon'thurt,atleastinthesamewaysandtothe sameextentthattheydo.Andtheythinkthattheycan becomelikeeverybodyelse. Theyhavenochoicebuttobedifferent(we'realldifferent, unique),buttheyhaveachoiceindeterminingthedirection ofthatdifference.Theyhavetheabilitiestogobeyondthe average,toactuallylivesuperiorlives. Nowadays,Conniecanlaughattheexcusesshemakesfor hersuccesses.Shewasneveronetoexcuseherfailures. FailuresseemednaturalandinevitabletoConnie.They wereproperlyunderstoodbyherweakness,herfaults,and herneuroticpersonalityorsoshethought.Butsuccesses requiredspecialexplanations,evenexcuses.

Whenshewasabletosignhernameforcreditcard purchaseswithouttremblingithadtobebecausethe salespersonwasn'tlookingherwayandherfriendwasoff browsinginanotherpartofthestore.Whenshewas praisedforherfineworkshebelievedthathermanager hadsimplyoverlookedthemistakesthatshemusthave made.Whenlifewentsmoothlyforawhileitwasbecauseof unusualcircumstances,theeffortsofothers,atemporary lullinhernervousness,mistakesthatslippedbyunnoticed, thetemporaryinfluenceofConstructiveLivinginherlife, andsoonandon.Successwasn'tnatural;failurewas. Thetendencyisstillthereafterfivesessionsof ConstructiveLivingcoaching.Butshenoticesit,catches herselfdoingit,andlaughs.Shehasreachedanimportant stage.ItisastagesimilartothatreachedbyCharlie. Charliecriticizeshimselfunmercifully.Inhisdailyjournal heberateshimselfforthepeptalksheusestopsyche himselfintogettingup,goingforarun,gettingtoworkon time,andalmosteveryactivityinwhichheengages.He catcheshimselfnotnoticinghissurroundings.Heuncovers histendencytodaydream.Hespotshisjealousyand dissatisfactionwithwhathehasachievedincomparison withwhathispeersareachieving.I WhatCharlieisonlybeginningtoseeisthathisnoticing thesequirksisanimportantstepinchangingthem.Before hisencounterwithConstructiveLiving,hesimplyimagined hiswaythroughlife,stumbling,markingtime,lyingwhere hefell.Allthetimehefeltasometimesvagueand

sometimessharpuneasiness.Lifeoughttobebetterthan thewayhewaslivingit.Hisselfcriticismwasblurredand pervasive.Nowitissharpandfocused.Nowitisclearer whatneedstobedonetochangethewayhelives. IkeeptellingCharliethatthiscatchinghimselfinsloppy livingisaverypositivestepforhim.MiyamotoMusashi, thefamedJapaneseswordsman,reallymeantitwhenhe wrotethat"TheWayisintraining."Trainingdoesn'tlead toorresultinfindingtheWaytoswordsmanshiporlife. Training,initself,isalreadybeingontheWay.Thatsubtle alterationinattentionwhichallowsustocatchourminds tryingtoconusorrunalonginoldunconstructivehabitual rutsisbeingontheWay.Thesameprocessofbringing attentionbackagainandagaintothefocalbreathingor mantraorcountingorwhateverduringmeditationcanbe appliedtodailyliving.Weexaminewhatweattendtoand getonaboutdoingwhatneedsdoing.SuchistheWay. Charlieusedtoseeonlythepainfulnessoftheself criticism.Connieusedtoseethenaturalnessofherfailure alone.Blindspots.Charliewantedtoeliminatetheself criticism.Conniewantedtoeliminatethefailure.Whynot recognizetheusefulnessofbothandlearnfromthem? Conniecanlearnthenaturalnessofsuccessandofchange ingeneralbyexpandingherattitudetowardthe naturalnessoffailure.Charliecanlearnthathis discoveriesofmomentaryslipsmeannotonlyfailurebut successfulmonitoring,correcting,andstepsalongtheWay. Failureandselfcriticismaren'tpleasant.Theyare

downrightpainful.Buttheyaren't"bad."Theyaren'tbest handledbywipingthemout,evenifwecould.Theyteach us.Theyaretobeusedforourgrowth.Yes,theyeven deserveourthanks.Blindspotsonlyoccurinrelationship tocertainpointsofview.Lookedatfromanother perspectiveablindspotdisappears.Whetheritisastop signhiddenbyawillowbranchoratruthhiddenbypain, thereisaplacefromwhichrealitycanbeclearlyseen. TheAppealofPessimism Icanseetwoattractionsofpessimism.Firstly,whenthings gowrong,atleastthepessimistscanclaimtheyexpected theworstandtheywereright.Secondly,ontelevisionand inmoviesjustwhenlifegoeswellforthehero,justwhen misfortuneisunexpected,somethingterriblehappens. Theremaybesomeexpectationamongpessimiststhat alwaysanticipatingtheworstcanmagicallyprevent unfortunateeventsfromoccurring.Bothofthesemeasures aimatcuttinganticipatedlosses,lossesthatmightnoteven occur.Butsuchapurposeisthebasisofanyinsurance.The problemwithpessimismisthatthepremiumsarevery high. Ofcourse,strictlyspeaking,therearenopessimists,only peoplewhohavefrequentmomentsofpessimism.Noone canbenegativeallthetime.Andeveryonehasmomentsof expectingtheworst.Habitsofattitudearen'teasily changed.ConstructiveLivingsuggestsweusethe informationourmindssendus,howevernegativeor

unpleasant,toassistusinbehavingpositivelyand constructively.Ifyouworrythatyourroofmightbeleaking, checkit.Ifyoufeelgloomyaboutyourjobprospects,workto improvethem. Wedo,however,sometimesfeelpessimisticaboutconditions wecan'tdoanythingabout.Ifyouknowsomethingabout ConstructiveLivingthenyoucanguesstheapproachwe recommendinsuchsituations.Whenyoucan'tdoanything tochangethecircumstances,thenyouacceptthe circumstancesastheyare,youacceptthepessimistic feelingsassociatedwiththem,youacceptyourdislikeof feelingpessimistic,youacceptyourdissatisfactionwithall thisaccepting,youacceptyourtendencytoanalyzethis wholesituation.And,meanwhile,yougetonwithdoing whatcanbedoneinyourlife.Optimisticorpessimistic, cleverorfoolish,thoughtfulorthoughtless,eageror reluctant,activeorpassivewearealloftheseatone momentoranother.ConstructiveLivingwon'tmakeyou optimistic;itdoesn'tneedtodoso.Justdoingwellwhat realitysendstobedoneissufficient.Issuesofoptimism andpessimismandthelikewillwitherawayfrom inattention. IAloneSuffer Thereisacommonmyththatnoonesufferslikewedoand noonecanunderstandoursuffering.Eachofmybeginning studentsislikelytobelievethatheorshesuffersuniquely andaloneandmorethanotherpeople.

Rev.ShueUsami,headofSenkoboTempleinMie PrefectureinJapan,tellsaboutamanwhocomplainedto hisdoctor,"Isuffersomuchfromthisoperation."His doctor'sreplywas,"Yes,weallsufferfromyouroperation yourfamily,yournurses,andIdo,too."Thepatient consideredonlyhisowndistress.Thedoctorremindedhim thatotherssharedhisdistress,too.Hisfamilywasworried andinconveniencedbytheirvisitstothehospital;the doctorhadtostayupthenightaftertheoperationtowatch hispatient'sprogress;thenurseswerecalleduponforextra vigilanceandspecialcare.Itisraretosufferalone.The waveletsofourmiseryextendtootherpools. Whethermystudentsarechallengingcancerorfearsof leavingthehouse,whethertheystrugglewithtorturing memoriesorabusivespouses,theybenefitfrombeingable toseetheinterlockingcirclesofsharedsufferingofwhich theyareapart.Asalways,theprimarybenefitis straightforwardlyseeingmoreofreality,thewaythingsare. Thatrealisticviewisinitselfvitalforourmentalhealth.In addition,therecognitionthatwedon'thurtalonecanbring somemeasureofrelieffromfeelingsofisolationand alienation.Furthermore,concernwithothers'sufferingand ourattemptstoalleviateitofferanopportunityforselfless actionwhichdistractsusfromselffocusedmisery. Somepeopleseemtobuildtheirsocialidentityontheir degreeofsuffering.Their"claimtofame"restsontragedy aftertragedy.Theyarelikechildrenwhocomparethescabs andscrapesontheirkneestoseewhohastheworst.Weall

havescrapesonourknees.Scrapes,too,arenothing special. Howcanweprepareourselvesandourstudentsforthe occasionalinevitablefailure?Lifebringsusallsortsof challenges;sometimeswerisetotheoccasion,sometimes not.Whenastudentfailstocompleteanassignmentthere maybeselfrecriminationandreverberationsofpast failuresandinadequacy.TheConstructiveLivingposition onmissedassignmentsisthesameasthatofanyother situationwhatneedstobedonenow?Realityjustkeeps coming. Wecanrespondtoamistakewiththeemotionladen reaction"Oh,no!Failedagain!"orwecanrespondwith attentiontothenatureofthenewsituationpresentedby ourmistakeandwhatneedstobedoneaboutit.Ingeneral, weworktoreplacethedominationofafeelingresponse withareasonableactionresponse.Thefeelingresponse doesn'tdisappearaltogether,butitnolongeristheprimary focusofourattention. Failure,suffering,dilemmas,crisesallarepartofhuman existence.Theyarenotthewholeofit.Ourunderstanding ofthemandourresponsetothemliewithinourcontrol. Whatneedsdoingnext? Iusedtothinkthatsomepeoplewerebornwithcommon senseandsomewerebornwithoutit.NowIknowthat commonsenseisearnedbymanyexperiencesandmany failures.

FactsofLife Disordermyths Arecentadvertisementinapopularmagazineasksifthe readereatstoomuch,thendiets,fasts,orvomits.Thead continues:"Youmayhavethoughtitwasyourfault.Butit isn't.Chancesareyouhaveaneatingdisorder.Andifyou do,noamountofwillpowerwillhelpyoucontrolit." Theadiswrong.Theonlythingthatwillcontrolovereating istoeatless.Inourstrangefolkwayoftalkingwesaythat weeatlessbecauseofwillpower.Willpowerisno explanation;itisjustanotherwayofsayingweeatless.To labelsomething"aneatingdisorder"makesitnomore medicalthantolabeljealousy"anemotionaldisorder"orto labelfilth"abathingdisorder"ortolabelsmokingor drinkingalcohol"anaddictivedisorder"ortolabelpoor manners"anetiquettedisorder."Theyareallthesamein thattheyshareproblemsofbehavior,ofdoing.Theyare broughtundercontrolbydoingsomethingdifferently.You knowthat. Butwehopetosufferfromsomethingeasilycorrected, something"curable"throughmedicalorpsychological magic.Apill,perhaps,orafewsessionswithaprofessional whoseexpertisewillmakeourproblemdisappearlikeabad dreamwouldbejustright.Itistimetogrowupandface therealsituation.Whenwehavebehavedourselvesinto destructivehabitswemustbehaveourselvesoutofthem. Thereisnopsychologicalsorcerywhichwillmakeiteasy

forustochangewhatwedo.Butchangewemustifweare tobethebestwecanbe. Costlyandtimeconsuminganalysisofthesourcesofour "disorders"isratherinteresting.Itprovidesreasons(read "excuses")forourproblems;mostofthesereasonslie outsideofourcontrol.Howreassuringtobelievethatthe originsofourlimitationsaresomeoneelse'serrors(poor parenting,perhaps,orasicksociety)!Still,itremainsforus tochangewhatwedo. Well,then,howdowebegintochangeourpoorhabitsof behavior?Howdowedevelopthismagicalwillpowerto bringaboutchangesinwhatwedo?Frankly,Ihavenoidea. Theprocessissocomplicated.Isuspectnooneelseknows either,thoughsomeclaimtohavemasteredthe understandingofthiselusivematter.WhatIdoknowis whatneedsdoing.Whatneedsdoingistohaveagoal,to acceptwhateveruncontrollablefactorsthatcomealongto helporhinderinachievingthatgoal,andtoworktoward thatgoalthebestwecan.Inotherwords,1)knowyour purpose,2)acceptreality(includingyourcircumstances, yourparents,yourhistory,andyourfeelings,alongwiththe restofreality),and3)dowhatneedsdoing.Ifyouhave beenstudyingtheConstructiveLifewayyouhaveheardthis adviceoverandoveragain. Thewayitis Nomatterwhatpersonalgrowthmethodorpsychotherapy youmaytrymanyoflife'staskswillneverbecomefun.

Takinginthecarforservicing,sendingoffanapplication foraschooltranscript,studyinganuninterestingsubjectin school,waitingfortheplumbertoarrive,cleaningupa spilledbowlofsouptheseactivitiesaren'tpleasurable whetherornotoneisenlightened.Toexpectsome disciplineorphilosophytomakethemenjoyableisrather childish.Butdothemwemust.Enjoyableornot. Conversely,totrytoassertthatsexualgratificationor eatingone'sfavoritefoodsorexperiencingtherushofan illicitdrugisn'tpleasurableisequalfoolishness.Wecannot dictateourfeelingsonewayortheother.Wemustaccept themastheyareandstillgetthecarserviced,refrainfrom overeating,studytheuninterestingmaterial,andavoidthe chemicalsthatharmus.Noelaboratedefinitionsor theorieswillmakehardstruggleeasy. Realityandtalkaboutreality Myimpressionisthatmostpeoplewantchangeintheir livesbecausetheyhaven'tmasteredwhotheyarenowor wheretheyarenow,becausethey'renotdoingwellwith whattheyhave.Howaboutmasteringwhatisnowand thenchanging? Isometimessee"healers"tryingtoforcetheirclients'words andlivesintosomeprearrangedschema.Theschemaare moreorlesscomplicated,buttheyarelimitedconceptual modelsofwhatrealityoughttobe.Realityisn'tanyoftheir models.Totheextentthatahealerrealizesthistruth,the healeriswise.

Ideasaboutlivingwellareusefulandworthourattention, butsoistherestofreality. ConstructiveLivingsuggeststhatitisbettertomasterthe simplelevelsofencounteredrealitybeforetryingto understandormastermorecomplexideationalschemes.I suspectthathighlevelphilosophicalwordplaygets society'sattentionandrewardsbecauseithelpsdistract peoplefromineptnessatdoingwellinconcrete,everyday reality.Itiseasiertoponderthemeaningoflifethantofold towelsneatlyoverandoveragain.Whetherwearedrunkor sober,failingorsucceeding,realitykeepssteadilyon. Whateverphilosophersorgurusorseerssay,realitykeeps steadilyon.Solid,reliablereality.Theword,"reliable,"here hasaparticularmeaning.Don'tmisinterpretit. Fundamentals SomepeopletrytomakeConstructiveLivingastrategyfor temporarilyacceptingthenaturalnessoffeelingswhile workingto"improve"themselvessothatfeelingsofanger, frustration,lackofconfidence,despairandthelikedon't occur(orarereduced)intheirlives.Theybothlieto themselvesandmissthepoint.Feelingsarenatural.This moment'sfeelingsfitthismoment'smereality;theyarea naturalelementinthisnow. SomeConstructiveLivingstudentsdefinetheirlifecrises asexceptionalcasesfallingoutsidetherealmofa constructivelife.Theywanttocall"timeout"andreturnto oldwaysofhandlingtheircurrentdilemma.Theylosethe

soundbasisforactionprovidedbyConstructiveLiving. Theydon'tseethatalifecrisisfitstheirpracticejustlike keepingaConstructiveLivingjournalorworkingona ConstructiveLivingpuzzlekoanordustingordriving. Thereissomethingtobedoneabouttherealitywhich includesthecrisisthatfacesthem.Acceptreality;know purpose;takeaction. Toooftenweseemtosubstitutetheoryforaction.Andour theoriesbecomefurtherandfurtherseparatedfrom everydayreality.Inpsychology,forexample,wehave elaboratetheoriesaboutsubtlefunctionsofthemind,but somefundamentalprinciplesarenottaught.Forexample, somebasicprinciplesthataren'ttaughtincludethetruths thatfeelingsfadeovertime,feelingskeepchanging(the feelingthatyoufeelnowisnotthesamefeelingyoufeltin thepast,thoughitmaybesimilaranditmayremindyou of,say,achildhoodfeeling),nearlyallbehaviorisdirectly controllableandfeelingsarenot. Inreligionwehavebothintricatetheologicaltheoriesand personalexperientialapproachestoGodbutlittleapparent awarenessofReality'scontributionstooureveryday existence.Thereislittleemphasisontheconcretesupport wegetfromotherpeopleeveryday,littleattentiontothe factthatourveryexistencedependedanddependson others'effortsinourbehalf.Insociologywehavecomplex theoriesofsocialinteraction,butoursocietysuffersfrom socialproblemswhichcouldbesolvedwiththeknowledge wehavealready.Ineconomicswehaveabundanttheories

onmacroandmicrolevelsbutwehaveahugenationaldebt andanunbelievableamountofpersonaldebt. Whyisitthatwehaveskippedfundamentaltruthsabout actionandRealityinordertodevelopcomplicatedtheories basedonconstructionsofthemindandsociety? OnAlcoholandOtherDrugs Mybasicobjectiontoalcoholandotherdrugsisthatthey interferewithourperceptionofreality.ConstructiveLiving isaboutlivingthebestonecanwithinreality.Realitymay notbewhatwewishorwhatwebelieveoughttobe.But stuffingourmindsinsomeidealizedorfantasizedspacefor longperiodsdoesn'thelpuscopewithorchangereality.In fact,teasingoneselfwithalcoholandotherdrugsmay resultinveryrealconsequencessuchasautoaccidents, poorjobperformance,andbrokenhomes.Youknowthat. Theotherdangerofthesechemicalpursuitsofunrealityis thattheyencouragefeelingcenteredness.Theymaymake onefeelgood,temporarily.Sotheyencouragetheusertotry tobuildlifeonfeelings.Weknowthatfeelingsare uncontrollabledirectlybythewill.Therefore,afeeling centeredlifeisalwaysinjeopardy;itcan'tbesuccessfully livedwithconsistency.Sometimeswefeelgood,even ecstatic,sometimesnot.Upanddown,upanddown. Behavioriscontrollable,nomatterwhatyouhearfrom alcoholicsandaddicts.Theycanstoptheirselfdestructive behavior.Andthestoppingitselfdemonstratestothemand tousthefreedomweallshare.Withthatfreedomcomes

thechancetolivealifebasedonsomethingcontrollable, stable.Therewon'tbethemomentarychemicalhighsofthe past,andtherewon'tbethedesperate,urgent,helpless sufferinginbetween.Thereisnoonceandforalltime decisioninvolvedhere.Therearen'tevenalotofdaily decisions.Thereisjustdoingsomethingelseotherthan abusingchemicals.Theresultissimplythesatisfactionof livingthismomentwell,andthismoment,andthis moment. Realism Anyonewhohasspentyearsworkinginagardenorinthe fieldsknowsimpermanenceintimately.Weseethecycleof seasons,thecomingandgoingofinsects,droughts,freezes, rot,theseedsthatsproutordie,thelifecyclesofplants,the bountifulharvestsandtheleanones.Itisallchange.There isnothingthatcanbecountedonwithcertaintytobe exactlyasitwaslastyear.Ouronlyrecourseistokeepon fittingwhatwedo,adaptingwhoweare,totheconstantly changingcircumstances.Itdoesnogoodtotellthe grasshoppereatingthesoybeanleaves,"Youreally shouldn'tbedoingthat."Wishingtherainwouldstop(or come)doesn'taffecttheweatherortheplants.Analyzing howwefeelaboutfungusdoesn'tsavethecabbage.Weneed amorerealisticperspectiveandstraightforwardactionto haveachancetoeffectthechangeswedesire. IamnotbeingpassiveorresignedwhenIemphasizethe changeablenessoftheworldandthenecessityofour

adaptingtoit.Onlywhenwehaveaclearvisionofthisflux andourplaceinitdoesoureffortmeansomething.Towork andsucceedandplayandlovewhilepretendingitwillall last,whileignoringthefragile"momentariness"ofitall,is tomissthechancefordepthinalltheseactivities.Totry whiledying,tolovewhilechanging,toplaywhile acknowledgingtheimpermanenceallowsakindofnobility tothesimplestact.Wesurmountthatwhichwasonly childishescapebefore. Thereisnothingennoblingaboutsufferingitself.Butin strivingwhilesufferingwemovebeyondourselvesto becomenewcreatures,whetherthestrivingattainswhat wesetouttoaccomplishornot.Painandselfdoubtand fearandangerdon'tnecessarilystimulategrowth,butthey dopermititwhentheeffortisthere.Changeisinevitable. Inthegarden,inus.Someofthechangewecaninfluence, somewecannot.Ourfundamentalhopeliesinaffectingthe changethatisus. VII.ConstructiveLivingReflection Misalignments TenyearsorsoagoIwroteasmallbookwithavignette aboutalittlegirlinKamakurawhowascryingtobe allowedbackintoherhouse.Shehaddonesomething wrong,andshewasputoutsidethehouseaspunishment. Shestoodpoundingonthefrontdoor,tearfullybeggingto beallowedintothehouse.IcontrastedthisJapanesegirl's

plightwiththatoftheAmericanchildwhoisforcedtostay inhisorherroomaspunishment.TheAmericanchildis notallowedoutofthehouse.TheJapanesegirlsawher motherandherhomeasthesourceoflife'srewards;she wantedtobeinsidethehouse.TheAmericanchildseesthe unrestrainedfreedomofplayoutsideasdesirable.The realityissomewhatmorecomplicatedthanthissimple contrast,butthestorycalledattentiontosomediffering tendenciesbetweenthetwocountriesthatseemtobevalid. Later,IsawthesamevignetteinthewritingsofaJapan specialist.Iwasnotquotedorcredited.ForamomentIwas miffed,thenIrecalledthatthecreditforthestorywasn't mine.ShouldIhavecreditedthelittlegirl?Herfamily? ThosewhotaughtmetheJapaneselanguagesothatIcould understandwhatshewassayingbetweensobs?Theeditor andpublisherofthebookinwhichthevignetteappeared? Thegovernmentagencythatfundedthatfirstperiodof researchinJapan?Withoutanyoneofthesepeople(anda hostofothers)therewouldhavebeennostorytotell.How narrowlyselfcenteredtothinkthatthestorycouldbe "mine."Whataboutyourmarriage,yourproject,yourchild, yourdevelopment,yoursuccess? ImadeasimilarmistaketheotherdayasIturnedoffthe coldwaterfaucet.AtfirstIstartedtoturntoabrieftask whileallowingthewatertoruninthesink.ThenIstopped andturnedoffthewater,thinkingallthewhilewhata conscientiouspersonIam.Itiswrongtorefrainfrom wastingwaterbecauseIwanttoconsidermyselfagood

person.Itispropertoturnoffthewaterbecausethewater "deserves"tobeusedcarefully,withattention(and,whenit happensnaturally,withgratitude).Wedowhatisright becauseitisrightnotbecausewearefinepeople,not becauseGodwillpunishorrewardus,notbecauseofsheer habit,nottoshowoffourproperupbringing,nottoatone foroursinsjustbecauseitisright. IbeganreadingDavidViscott'sbookabouthowtoconduct thebusinessaspectsofpsychotherapy.InTakingCareof Business,Viscotthonestlyandstraightforwardlypointsout thatpsychotherapyisabusiness,andhegoesontooffer adviceonhowtorunthatbusinessproperlyand successfully.Hiscandorisadmirable.InViscott'sbookthe mostusefulrevelationformewasthatIamnotinthe businessofpsychotherapy.Iaminthebusinessoftryingto repaytheworldformyexistence.Itisnicetoreceivefees androyaltiesandhonoraria.ButConstructiveLivingis moreimportantthanameansofmakingalivelihood.Itis themeansofmakingalife,awholelife.Andthefinancial aspectofthatwholelifewaxesandwanesinimportance frommomenttomoment.ThedebtsIowearen'tmerely financial.ConstructiveLivingismorethanmakinga living;it'smylife. WarmingTrend TodayIcrossedthestreetwithoutwaitingbecauseaman hadalreadypushedthetrafficbuttonforpedestrians.He hadbeenwaitingforthecycletoturnthelightredandstop

thecars.Iwalkedupjustasthecarscametoahalt.Iwas gratefulthathiswaitinghadexpeditedmycrossing. PerhapssomeWesternerswouldwonderatmysenseof gratitude.Hepushedthebuttonsothathecouldcrossthe streetandnotformyconvenience.Ofcourse.YetIdid,in fact,benefitfromhisaction.Tobesure,mybenefitdidnot appeartobehisintent.Still,hisactionservedme, whateverhisintent.Whereshouldwedrawthelineof thanks?Peoplebuymybooksnottosupportme,butthe resultisthatIamsupported.Dotheydeservemythanks? Yes,Ibelievethattheydo.Salespeoplesellshoesto customersinordertomaketheirliving.Dotheymeritmy appreciationeventhoughIpaidfortheshoes?Yes,theydo. Democraticcapitalismhasbecomeasortofselfcentered enterprise.Thetheoryisthatsomebalancecanbeachieved ifallofusactinourownselfinterest.Thetheoryisthat whenIexceedmyboundsyourselfinterestwillpushme backintoline.Theoryholdsthatnoonecanexpectthatyou willsacrificeyoursuccessformyconvenience.Achilling winddriftsthroughthecrevicesofthissocioeconomic system.ItignorestheperspectivethatIoweyousomething eventhoughIhavepaidafairpriceforyourservice.You owemesomethingforaskingyoutoserveme.Weare favoringeachotherwithourbusinessonadimensionother thantheoneofeconomictransaction. Weallsensethisdifferencebetweenbalancedselfinterest andthedimensionsofhumanfavor.Thatiswhyweprefer toshopatstoreswheretheemployeesandmanagement

seemactuallygratefulforourpatronage.Itiswhywefeel offendedbypostalemployeeswhoactasthoughtheydous afavorbysellingpostagestamps.Mutualgratitudeglides alongaboveanexchangeofequaleconomicvalue,making thetransactionsshineandmakingusmorethanmere mechanismsofeconomicexchange. Again,whetherornotthosewhodomefavors(knowinglyor not,intentionallyornot)reciprocatemygratitude,my wordsofthanksareduethem. I'mgratefultomytoothpasteforcleaningmyteethandto themanufacturerformakingthetoothpaste.Inoursociety theconsumerisoftenseentobealignedagainstthe producer(aslaborisalignedagainstmanagement).Itis refreshingtoconsidertheserviceIreceiveandthedebtI owetothosewhoseproductseaseandenrichmylife. Thisattitudeispartofthetreasuringofallthingsbecause allthingsareborrowed.Thereisnothingthatistrulymine. WhatIboughtwaspaidforwithmoneyreceivedfrom others.Themoneywasearnedwithmytimeandeffort;but theseoutputs,too,arepossibleonlybecauseofthetraining Ireceivedfromothers,thefoodpreparedbyothers,the bodythatwasagiftfrommyparents,andsoforth.AsI tracebackeverythingthatappearstobe"mine"it evaporatesintotheplethoraofdebtsIowetheworld. TakingitastepfurtherIambutareflectionofthese effortsofothers.Iamtheproductofmysurroundings, surroundingsthatextendbackintimetoerasbeforemy birth.HowmuchIowetoEdisonandLincolnand

ColumbusandPlatoandsomeunnamedprotohominid ancestor,tothosewhosowedandsewedandsokeptmy ancestorsalive,tothecornandcotton,thesun,themelting snow.Backandback,thecloserIlookthewiderthenetof interconnectionsitislessawideningtunnelofgratitude thananembracingtotalitythatexistsnowandextendsinto pastandfuture,equallyencompassing. ItseemsappropriatetosaythatIammysurroundings. Whatistherethatisminethatisseparatefromthem?For thismomentIbecomeyou,too.Thankyouforyour contributiontothispartofthismoment/circumstancethatI call"me." OnRealisticGratitude Gratitudeisafeelingandsoisuncontrollabledirectlyby ourwill.Wecannotgenerategratitudesimplybytelling ourselvestobegrateful.Ontheotherhand,however, gratitudeisanaturalresponsetokeepingoureyesopenas weoperateintheworld.Ittakesacertainamountof effortfulblindnesstomissthetruthofReality'smoment bymomentsupportofourlives.Fromtheoxygenwe breathetotheeffortsofotherswhoprovideourfoodand ourstereos,ourcomfortandoureducation,ourlivelihood andoursportspartners,we"arelived"byReality. ConstructiveLivingholdsthattherealisticgratitudewe experienceaswetakenoticeofthesupportivenatureofour worldcarrieswithitadesiretorepaytheworldsomehow andacertaindegreeofsadnessorguiltthatwearen't

doingmorealongthelinesofbalancingourdebtstothe world. Iamnotinterestedinarguingthesepoints.Itakethemas selfevident.Atthismomentintimeyoueitherunderstand andrecognizewhatIhavewrittenhereoryoudon't.Ifyou givethislifewayaserioustry,youwillcometoinsightsof thesortmentionedabove.Bewarethatyoudon'twalkina directionleadingtowardanundesiredgoal. OnelearnsaboutReality(andoneselfaspartofReality)by actinginit.Everydaylifeisourbestteacher.Bydirecting andnoticingwhatwedoinourdailyliveswelearnabout ourselves.BypayingattentiontowhatRealitysendsour waywelearnaboutReality. Someofmystudentstalkagreatdealaboutknowing themselves.Theyhaveinvestedlongperiodsoftimein analyzingtheirthoughtsandfeelings.Theyhavegreat insightsintotheirrationalizations,theirpsychological defenses,theircopingmechanisms,theirinfantilefixations, andsuch.Theyneedtopaymoreattentiontowhattheydo. Indoingwhatispurposefulandpropertothevaried situationsoflife,theyfindthattheyhavelessneedfor elaboratetheoriesofthemind.Theydiscoverthatmuchof theirintellectualtheorizinghadbeenusedasanescape fromresponsible,attentiveliving.Theyneedtogeton aboutpayingtheirdebtstotheworld. Moritapointedoutthatourintellectualunderstandingand ourfeelingsdon'talwaysmatchoneanotherneatly.Wemay knowthatwewon'tsmashthevaluablepotweholdinour

hands,butwestillfeelfearthatwemightdoso.Wemight feeluncomfortablelookingdownfromaheight,allthe whileknowingthatwearebeingverycarefulnottoloseour balance.Wemayknowthatthisparticularsnakeorinsect isharmlessandyetfeelrevulsionandterrorwhilehandling thecreature.Wemayrealizethatthecelebrityinfrontof usisjustanotherhumanbutfeelawedandnervousallthe same.Asweactintheworldwelearnabouttheseconflicts andcontradictions.Wecometoacceptthemasnatural aspectsofourpsychologicalfunctioning.Intheacceptance, wefindtheyhavelesspoweroverus.Becausethese contradictionsarepartofus,byacceptingthemweare acceptingourselves.Thishangupisjustanotheraspectof me,andIamjustanotheraspectofthisRealityinthis Moment.It'sallquitenatural.Now,whatneedstobedone next?Andwegetonaboutliving. Someofmystudentscomplainthattheyfeelnogratitude towardtheirwork.Theycanfindnothinginterestingabout workingingeneral.Theywouldprefertopasstheirdays gentlyinidleness.Yettheyfeelsomevaguediscomfort,as thoughtheyshouldbefeelingmoreproductive,theyshould bemakingmoreofacontributiontotheworld.Formostof us,sittingandthinkingaboutworkisnofun.Thewaywe developaninterestinsomeaspectofReality,work included,isbyactingonit.Sowemustbecarefulaboutthe activitiesinwhichweengage.Ourinterestswillfollow alonginthedirectionsofouractivities.Asforwork,our interestinsometaskhastheopportunitytogrowwhenwe

undertakethetask.Workmaybecomemoreinteresting whenwefindnewwaystodoit.Itisfoolishnesstowaitfor interestandgratitudetowardworktogrowaswesitonthe couchwatchingtelevision.Performingourtasksdevelops interestinthem. Similarly,weoutgrowournarrowselfdoubtsandanxieties byleavingthemaloneaswegoonaboutlivingwell.We growaccustomedtoourshynessandselfcriticismandfind suchtraitsdiminishingasweexerteffortinouractivities andsucceed.Wemayevencometofeelgratitudetoward ourneuroticpastselvesbecausetheyproddedustodiscover thiswonderfullifeway.Webecomeadaptable,flexible, natural,trulyalive. Thankfulnessisanaturalconsequenceofthisprocess.As weshiftfromselffocustoRealityfocuswerecognizewhat Realityispresentingtous.Ouractionsbecomepurpose filledwithconcrete,specificdeedsofrepayment.Wesee ourselvesnolongerstandingapartfromReality, demandingourpropershare,butaspartofReality, benefitedandbenefitingothers. ThePerfectMate Thereisnothingwrongwithgoingforthebest,unless perfectionismandidealsinterferewithdoingourrealistic bestrightnow.ProfessorAkiraIshiitellsthestoryofhis disappointingexperiencewitheels.Whenhewasachildhe lovedtoeatbroiledeels,buttheyareadelicacyinJapan andratherexpensive.Sohenevergothisfillofeels.Then

onhiseleventhortwelfthbirthdayhisfamilytreatedhim toalltheeelshecouldeat.Howwonderful!Heatehisfill. Butthereafterhecomparedthefewskimpyeelsservedto himinrestaurantswiththefeasthehadeatenasayouth. Howdisappointing!Then,oneeveninghewasservedeels thatweresodelicioustheymadehimforgethowfewthere were.Unfortunately,afterthatmealhekeptcomparingthe flavoroftheeelsservedtohiminordinaryrestaurants withthosetastyeelsofthepast.Again,hewas disappointed.Atlasthecametorealizethattheeelonthe platerightinfrontofhimwasthebesteelintheworld.The disappointmentgeneratedbyperfectionisticcomparison disappeared. Notafewpeoplewhocometomearedisappointedwith theirpartners.Husbands,wives,lovers,business associates,boyfriends,girlfriends,samesexornottheyall seemtobeimperfect.Theyfailtoliveuptoourideals.The partnermaynotofferenoughintellectualstimulationor passionordeterminationtosucceed.Itisnoteworthythat theverytraitthepartnerlacksbecomesthemost importanttraitpossible.Thepositivequalitiesaretakenfor grantedwhilethenegativequalitiesdrawattentionand concern.Ofcourse,wemayhavesomeminorimperfections, too,butatleastweareworkingonthem.Thosepartners don'tseemtocareaboutselfimprovement. Asyouknow,ConstructiveLivingneverrecommends ignoringreality.Iwouldneversuggestthatyoulieto yourselfaboutyourpartner,thatyoupretendyourpartner

isperfect.However,focusingonlyonfaultsisakindof ignoringofreality,too.Wedon'tusuallyfindourselvesin partnershipswithpeoplewhohavenoendearingqualities. Somethingattractedustotheminitially.Thateelinfront ofyouisthebesteelintheworldforyourightnow.Evenif youareworkingtowardadivorceorseparationorother breakingofthepartnershipyouwillfinditusefultoseek yourpartner'spositivequalitiesandthankandpraisehim orherforthosequalities.Yes,evenwhiledoingwhatneeds tobedonetodissolvethepartnership.Todosoisnot hypocrisy,itisrecognizingandacknowledgingapartof realityyoumayhavenoticedrightalongorsomethingyou mayhaveforgotten. Lifeisuncertain.Peoplecomeandgo.Whenwefind someonewhohasmanyoftheattributeswehopeforina partnerwemaylatchontothemandwishtheyhadthose fewmissingqualities.Wemaytrytogeteverythingweneed fromoneperson.Buttryingtofillevenoursocialneedsin onepartnermaybeimpossible.Relatives,friends, acquaintances,neighbors,memberships,sporting companions,andthelikemaybenecessary. Inadditiontotheserealsocialneedsisaneedfora reasonableattitudetowardothers.Whenmylifeisgeared primarilytowardgettingmysocial(oranyotherpersonal) needsmettherewillalwaysbedissatisfaction.Whenmy attitudeistrulygearedtowardseeingthatmypartner's (friend's,neighbor's)actionsarebeingappreciatedand theirneedsarebeingmet,thenthereisarealchancefor

satisfaction.Remember,thebestwaytomeetothers'needs isnottobetheirobedientslave.Thatismerecowardiceand laziness.Findingthedignified,honorable,practical, sensiblewaytoappreciateandserveothersisadifficult andrewardingundertaking. Again,whentheemphasisisongettingmyshareI'llalways bedisappointed.Whentheemphasisisonrealistically recognizingwhatIamalreadyreceivingandworkingto repaythosearoundmethereistheonlygenuine opportunityforfulfillment.Takingcareofmefirstincludes takingcareofothers.Thetwoobjectivesaren'tseparate, andtheycertainlycan'tbedoneeffectivelyinsomeserial order,oneafteranother. MyConstructiveLivingReciprocityReflectionsat 35,000Feet Asyoumayknow,Ifeartofly.AndyetI'vebeenflyingfor morethanfortyyears.WithinonesevenmonthperiodI flewtoChina,NewYork,Seattle,Japan,Australia,New Zealand,Miami,WashingtonDC,HawaiiandbacktoLos Angelesagain.InthatshortperiodIflewonmorethana halfdozenairlinesandtypesofaircraft.Flewscared.But therewerepeoplewhoneededtohearwordsabout ConstructiveLivingandpeoplewhoneededtoseesomeone who,frightened,didwhatheneededtodoanyway.SoI flew,wasflyingasIwrotethesewordsatthatverymoment inaDC10overtheMidwestheadedforhome.

Fearsneednotstopusfromdoingwhatisimportantforus todothatisthemessageIhavetaughtandlivedforthe pastfortyyears.Now,inflightwhenevenmildturbulence rattlesusmyhandsperspireandmystomachtightens.My mindknowsintellectuallythatalliswell.Ilookaroundand seecabincrewgoingabouttheirroutineduties,standing andwalkingintheaisles.Fearisn'trationalItcannotbe turnedoffbyreasoning.Fearjustcomesasitwill,notasI willit.NowI'mreflectingontheeffortsofotherswhoare contributingtomyflight.I'mheldaloftherenotonlyby thosepowerfulDC10engines,butbythelaborofpeople manyofwhomI'venevermet.Let'sbeginwiththeground crewthatservicedandfueledthisplane,thedesignersand testersoftheaircraft,andthetestpilot(s)whoriskedtheir livestoseethattheplanewasairworthy.Mytravelagent wenttothetroubletobookthisflightsothatIwouldhave anonstoptriptoLosAngeles.AtDullesairportapleasant ladycheckedmeinandpassedalongmybaggageto handlerswhopackeditsafelyaboardforme.Anotherkind ladyansweredmynervousphonecallthismorningto reconfirmthereservationanddeparturetime.Sheended ourphoneexchangewiththekindwishthatI"havea pleasanttrip." Thereisapilotandfirstofficerontheflightdeck.Standing invisiblybehindthemaretheirinstructorsandotherswho designedandbuiltflightinstructionmanualsand navigationequipment.Safetyengineersbuiltbackup systemstoimprovemychancesofarrivinghomesafely.

Thecabincrewservesmymealsandotherwisedistractsme frommyanxietywithafilmandmagazines.Theyremind meofsafetyprecautionsandcontingenciesincasesome problemshouldoccur.Somanypeoplehaveconsideredmy safetyandhavedevelopedwaystopreserveit! Groundcontrollerspassmyplanealongfrompointtopoint sothatwedon'tcollidewithotherplanes.Theyguideusto securetakeoffsandlandings.Howalerttheyremainformy safety! Youmaysaythatallthesepeoplehavebeenproperlyand amplypaidfortheirservices.Iwon'tdenythattheyreceive salariesinsmallpartderivedfromtheticketsIhave purchased.Butthefactremainsthattheirefforts,their longhoursandperspirationandcarefulthoughtand expertisepermitmethisrapidformoftravel.Andthe moneyIusedforthetickets,ofcourse,wasn'tmine.Itwas giventomebyotherpeoplewhokindlyreadmybooksand invitedmetospeaktothemandagreedtopublishmy books.Thesepeople,too,holdmealoftinthisreclining seat.AsdotheteacherswhoinstructedmeintheworkIdo, thosewhopainstakinglytaughtmetheJapaneselanguage, andtheparentswhogavemethisbodyandnurturedit duringinfancyandchildhood.ThankstothosepeopleI couldmakealivingandthusbuytheticketthatallowsme toflytoday. Perhapssomeofthoseairlineemployeesarethinkingthat theyareonlydoingaroutinejob;perhapssomearedoing onlytheminimumtogettheirpaycheck;perhapsonlyafew,

sometimes,considerme(orthepassengerwhomI represent)astheygoabouttheirwork.Nonetheless,the effortsofallthesepeoplekeepmealoft.Theresultoftheir workkeepsmeflyingevenwhentheirattitudesareless thanideal. Cometothinkofit,myattitudeisnotalwaysselfdenying inservicetothosewhocountonme,either.HowcouldIask qualitiesofthesetensofthousandsofotherswhenIdon't exhibitthosequalitiesatalltimesmyself?AndyetIdoask suchqualitiesfromthem.SelfcenteredcreaturethatIam, Idenouncetheselfcenterednessofothers. HowcanIcomplainwhentheflightdoesn'tproceedwith absolutesmoothnessformyconvenience?WhenIthinkof thetensofthousandsofpeoplewholinkedhandstoreach fromgroundlevelto35,000feetinordertokeepmeflying, howcanIfeelanythingbutwonderandgratitude?Yet, again,Ido.Ifeelfear,too,andaferventwishtoarrivesoon andunhurt. FoolishandselfcenteredthoughIammydebttomy benefactorscannotbedenied,mustn'tbeignored.Thank youallforthisflightandtheoneslastThursday,andthe onelastweekandtheonebeforethatand... VIII.ConstructiveLivingMaxims RainMaxims Maximsarewaysofusingwordstoremindourselvesof ConstructiveLivingprinciples.Languageisausefultool,

albeitinsomewaysadangerousone.Wemustoftenremind ourselvesthatwordsaboutrealityaren'ttherealityitself. ConstructiveLivingislikealanguage.Oncealanguageis learneditcanneverbetotallyforgotten.Youcannever returntoaconditioninwhichthesoundsareameaningless jumbleastheywerebeforeyoubeganyourstudyofthe language.Youcanneverseeyoureverydaylifeasyoudid beforebeginningyourstudyofConstructiveLiving. WhetheryouarecompletelyfluentinConstructiveLiving ornotyouretainyourabilitytousethisviewoflifetomake senseofyourworld.Morethanthat,onceyouhavesome fundamentalgraspoftheprinciples(thegrammarand vocabulary,ifyoulike),youcannotcompletelysetthem asideforanylengthoftime. ConstructiveLivingisnotmerelyanotherlanguage; ConstructiveLivingisyournativelanguage. ThereisReality'sworkonlyyoucando. NoneedforperfectionRealitytakescareofyouanyway. HaveyoubeenthroughenoughtoappreciateRealitywhen youseeit? Somepeopleknowhowtofly;theymustlearnhowtowalk. Happybirthday,Mom.WithoutyoursIwouldn'thaveone. Love,Yourchild. Ifit'sraining,andyouhaveanumbrella,useit,evenifthe umbrellaistatteredandimperfect. ConstructiveLivingwhenyoucaretodotheverybest.

Ifalcoholisyourkoan;solveit. I'vehadlotsoftroublesinmylifeandmostofthemnever happened.DavidMiles Runtotheedgeofthecliffandstoponadime;thenthank thosewhohelpedyougettothedime.DavidMiles Whentheseasarestormy,thanktheboatmakerandkeep onrowing.HenryKahn. Realitynevertires,onlyyoudo.DanielHoppe APh.DoismoreusefulthanaPh.D.RoseAnderson Realityschoolwhereyou'reonscholarshipeventhough youareflunking,butyounevergettorepeatacourse. RoseAnderson Earshearmorethanthoughtsdo.FredKetchum Cometoyoursenses.DeannaKirk Dothinkthenthank.DeannaKirk ThestepstoclimbMt.Everestandthestepstoclimba smallhillarethesamesize.RobertOrenstein TodayisForgiving.PatriciaRyanMadson Ineverymomentopportunitiesforaction. Ineveryactionopportunitiesforthanks.RobertOrenstein SwimmingMaxims MaximsarepithywaysofcitingandrecallingConstructive Livingprinciples.HerearesomerecentConstructiveLiving maxims.MostofthemwerecreatedbyConstructiveLiving

instructorsduringtheirtrainingatthetendaycertification coursesaroundtheUnitedStates.Ihaveincludedashort explanationforsomeofthem. Whenyoufall,thankthegroundforcatchingyou.Crilly Butler Don'tdowhatneedstobenotdone.CrillyButler It'sbeenreal.KateBean(AConstructiveLivinggreeting.) Whenlifethrowsyouacurve...SWING!BobBrown Realitywillnevertellyoualie,butIwon'taskyouto believethat.MaryAnnThomas Foodwon'tmakeyoufat.MaryAnnThomas(Eatingdoes.) Thepresentisreceivedwhateverthewrappingpaper. DianaPeterson Poisonivyandsnakesilluminatethewoods.DavidPollock (Theyinviteustopayattentionduringoutwalksthrough thewoods.) Selfhelpbooksdon'twork.NicholasCallie,Jr.(People work.) ThemoreIlookwithinthemoreIfindI'mwithout.Joan Fischer ConstructiveLivingpeopledoitonpurpose.David HudsonandRamiShapiro Putoffprocrastination.ShanaAlexander Actisfact.RonGreen

Evenwhenyougiveuponreality,realitynevergivesupon you. Whereveryougothereyouare;whereveryouaresomeone helpedyougetthere.RonGreen Giveyourselfaway;youweren'tyoursinthefirstplace. RonGreen Theoceansmoothstheedgesfromrocksprovidedtheystay intheocean. Nojourneys,onlythisstepnow. Witheyesonthedistantmountainwatchthewindingpath underfoot. Purposefulactiongetsthejobdonefasterthanhumility. Tiredofwearingoldclothes?Whykeepwearingthem? Yourselfisshrinkingasyourworldisgrowing. IX.ConstructiveLivingKoans Koans Koansareaboutmakingmentalleaps.Thekoanpractice helpstrainthemindtofindcertainkindsofessencesin everydaylife.Iftheseessencesarepointedouttothe studenttheymaybeappreciated,buttoexplainthem outrightgivesthestudentnochancetomakethemental leapalone.Toexplainakoantoastudentwouldberather likereadingabookofchessproblemswhileconsultingthe answerpagesinsteadofworkingouttheanswerswithout help.Thedoingitselfproducessomeskillandpersistence.

Koansarepuzzlesthatkeepthemindoccupied,teaching basicprinciplesinnovelways.Itisbesttoponder ConstructiveLivingkoansoveraspanoftime,oneata time.Whenonepuzzleismasteredorwhenyouareblocked afteracoupleofweeksworkingonaConstructiveLiving koanmovealongtothenextone.Awellconstructed(well discovered)koanhaslayersofmeaning.BelowIhave writtensomekoansinproseandsomeinpoeticform. AnswerscanbeconfirmedbycertifiedConstructiveLiving instructors.Answersarerightorwronganddonotdepend onthesubjectiveevaluationofthestudent.Ananswerthat begins,"Forme,themeaningofthiskoanis..."isinvariably wrong. Theunknown Ayoungmankeepssendingpostcardstohisfarawaylover ashetravels.Heisunawarethathisloverhaswrittento hishomeinforminghimthatsheisleavinghimforanother. Hewon'tgetherletteruntilhereturnsmonthslaterfrom hisextendedtrip.Werehispostcardswrittenfornothing? Thelemonmeringuepiekoan Thefirstofthreemenentersaroom,walksovertoachair withalemonmeringuepieonitandsitsdownonthepie. Afteratimethesecondmanenterstheroomsaying,"I don'tlikewhatIamabouttodo,butIcan'tseemtohelp myselffromdoingit.FurthermoreIdounderstandsomeof theunderlyingreasonsforthisact."Thenhe,too,walks

overtothechairandsitsonalemonmeringuepie.The thirdfellow,aftersittingonalemonmeringuepie,risesto say"WhatanuncomfortableyetvitallessonIhavelearned fromthisexperience."Thenheproceedstositonyet anotherlemonmeringuepie.Whatisthedifferenceamong thesemen?Whatisthesimilarity? Eat,sleep WhatConstructiveLivingsensecanwemakeofZen psychology'sadviceto"Eatwhenhungry;sleepwhen tired"?TheZenmaximcannothavethetransparent meaningitappearstohave.Imagineavisitorcomesfor dinnerandthereisn'tenoughfoodforvisitorandfamily. Becauseoneishungryshouldoneignorethevisitor'sneeds orconvenienceandeatanyway? OnesortofConstructiveLivingsensewecanmakeofthe adviceto"Eatwhenhungry;sleepwhentired"isthatthere isnoneedtolookfordeephiddencomplexmotivations underlyingsimpleacts.Suchconcernswithcomplex searchessimplydistractusfromdoingwhatneedsdoing. CanyoufindotherConstructiveLivinginterpretationsin thismaxim? Assortedbriefkoans 1.Whatiswrongandrightaboutthrowingleftoversfrom therefrigeratorandnotfinishingallthefoodonone'splate asmethodsoflosingweight?Whatstrategiescanyou

suggestasbetter?Whatbroadermeaningcanyoufindin thiskoan? 2.HowamIgettingalongwithmydishes?Whatisthe purposeofdevelopingintimacywiththingsaswellas people? 3.Discoverthemeaningunderlyingthesewordswrittenby RonGreen: "Thewholeworldislivingus.Thischairisdoingits chairness,asidefrommyopinionsandnotionsaboutit.Itis aliveinitschairness.Ifoneputsasideone'sselfandsees whatisthereisjustreality.Theselfwethinkweareisa nonselfmadeupofalltheselvesintheuniverse." X.ConstructiveLivingTales Mostofthesetaleswerewrittenforparticularstudents. EachtalecarriesoneormoreConstructiveLivingpointsI wishedtoconveytosomeone.Readingaboutacharacterin astorygivesmystudentsadistancedperspectivethat allowsthemtoseethemselvesmoreclearly. DiamondMisery Onceuponapuzzlingtimepeopleevaluatedthevalueof theircontactswithothersintermsofhowmuchthey sufferedwhenthosecontactsended.WhenFloppy's boyfriendbrokeupwithhershewascertainthathehadn't beenveryimportanttoherbecauseshedidn'tfeelterribly terrible.WhenFloppy'sbrother,Flippy,facedthedeathof hisAuntVal,hedidn'tgrievemuch,sohedecidedthathe

hadn'tbeenclosetohisAunt.Allthatseemedtomake somesense. Then,whenFloppy'sfatherdiedandshewassadbutnot allbrokenup,Floppydidn'tknowwhattothink.Shehad beenclosetoherfather.Nevertheless,sheseemedtobe abletogoaboutherdailylifewithoutcollapsing,andshe onlycriedonce.Otherswonderedwhyshedidn'thurtmore. Floppyherselfwondered.Hadtherebeensomehidden grudgeagainstherfather?Wasshestuntedemotionallyin somewaytobeunabletorecognizeandexpressher overwhelminggrief? Floppy'smotherwasupsetwithherfornotfallingapart. Hersocialworldcertainlyexpectedmoretears.Perhaps theyconsideredheracold,unfeelingbitch,orsoFloppy worried. Itwasn'tthatFloppywasfightingagainsthergrief.She welcomedit;shewantedmoreofit.Thus,shecouldconfirm herdeeploveforherfather.Butfeelingsareintransigent critterstheydon'tgoawaywhenwewantthemto,and theydon'tappearoncueeither. Floppyfoundherselfpressuredtofakemoremiserythan shereallyfelt.Thenshegotconfusedaboutwhichwasreal andwhichwasartifice.Thenshegotconfusedaboutwho wasfeelingthismixedbagoffeelings. Afteralongtime,Floppyfiguredoutthatitmakesmore sensetovaluefolkswhileyouarewiththemthantotryto

computetheirworthtoyouaftertheyaregone.Andthe grievingcomeswhenitwill. Thisstoryincludestherestatementofafamiliartheme feelingsareuncontrollabledirectlybythewill.Theyare bestacceptedastheyare.Theyprovideinformation,but theyarenotthemeasureofourlives. Runaway LisaSquirreltwitchedherbushytailintheairacoupleof timesandracedinaseriesofsmallm'sforthenearestpine tree.Thevelvetmountainheatdidn'tbotherher.Sheloved theshadowwindthatbreathedcaressesthroughherfur. Abovetherewasonlyvibratingneedlesandrolling whiteness. ButLisaSquirrelwasn'tappreciatingherforesthome today.Shefacedapinesizedproblem.Shesatonabranch highupandwatchedthescruboaksacrosstheway overflowanddribbledownthemountain.Hereyesfollowed suit,overflowingwithwarmtears.Hermalefriend,Ricky Squirrelwasshowingsignsoflosinginterest.Andtheonly solutionLisacouldcomeupwithwastodumphimbefore hegotaroundtodumpingher.HewasabitslowforLisa, anyway,andhiseyeswanderedtoomuch.Still,shewould misshim. OntheAngelesCrestHighwaynearbyhugetrucks lumberedpastlikeobesematronsheadingforanother cocktail.Haroldpulledhiscarfromtheendoftheparade ontoaturnoutandexited.Theworldseemedtobesliding

pastat45milesperhour.Hefeltthatheskatedrather thanwalkedawayfromthecar.Exhaustionforcedhis eyelidsopen.Theywouldnolongerclose,yethefelthimself slippingintosleepwitheyeswideopen.Sleep,herealized, isastateofgivingupone'smind.Ithasnothingtodowith thebodyatall,hethought. Haroldwasmovingonto(hopefully)betterthingsbefore thebossbackinPasadenarealizedthathehadgiven Haroldtoomuchresponsibilityonthejob.Haroldhad maneuveredatransferthroughthemainoffice.Denver wouldbeawelcomechange.SouthernCaliforniawasdueto fallintotheoceananyway,wasn'tit?Heleanedback againstthetrunkofapineanddozed. OverheadtheUnitedflighttoNewarkcarriedClarabackto MomandDad.Fivemonthsofcollegehadbeenenough.Bill wasaniceguy,butbeingaroundhimwaslikebeingfedby anant.Nomatterwhatitswillandeffortmightbe,the resultsareinsufficient.Bettertobailoutbeforethe lonelinessdeepenedinthataridlandsofarawayfrom home. Whoknowswhatmighthappen? Inlifeyouhavetobreakinyourownshoes.Somepeopletry todothatbyrunningaway. BeingOrdinary Onceuponanurbantimetherewasaspiritualmasterwho watchedvideo,atefrozenfoods,anddroveapickuptruck. Veryfewpeoplerecognizedhimasaspiritualmaster

becauseheworenorobes,heatemeat,andhewas constantlytinkeringwithastraighteightenginethat resistedeffortstokeepitrunning.Whatbusinesswoulda spiritualmasterhavewithgreasealloverhishands? Afewkidsintheneighborhoodrecognizedthattherewas somethingspecialaboutHank.(Hisnamewasanother liabilityinthespiritualcircuscircuitnotexoticatall.)He didn'tswearwhenhedroppedthehammeronhisfoot;he justpickeditupandwentbacktopounding.Heexplained whathewasrepairingtoeventhegreenestyoung mechanic.Hisgarageworkshopseemedtidierthanmost. Andtheonlytimethekidseversawhiminarushwas whenagrindermotorcaughtfire,andthenhehadthe extinguisherchemicalalloveritbeforeanyonehadtimeto getscared. KidsnoticedthatpeoplecamebytovisitHankeverynow andthen.Afewworefancysuitsandlookedlikeinsurance companyexecutivesorbankers.Most,however,dressed simply,perhapsabitonthedrabside,orsoitlookedtothe youngsters.Hankwouldstopwhathewasdoingwatering orworkingonthetruckorpatchingupthehouseordigging inthegardenorlounginginthehammockandheandhis visitorwoulddisappearinthehouseforanhourortwo. ThentheywouldcomeoutandshakehandsandHank wouldstandandwatchthevisitorsdriveoffuntiltheywere outofsight.Thenhewouldjustpickuprightwhereheleft off.

AnotherpeculiarityaboutHankwasthathewouldstop whathewasdoingandlistentowhateveranykidhadto sayaboutanythingforaslongasthekidwantedtotalk. Nowthatkindofadultisasrareastheycome.Newkidsin theneighborhoodseemedstarvedforsuchattention.They tookadvantageofHank'slisteningearsforwhatseemedto themlongperiodsoftime.AndHankneverseemedtotire oflisteningandaskingquestions.Buttherewerebaseball gamesandtrapdoorspidersandskateboardscalling.In timethenewkids,too,camearoundonlywhenthenhad somethingtheythoughtimportantenoughtoaskortell Hank. Notemple,nobeard,nomysticalsymbols.Therewasa televisionantennaontheroofandemptyfrozendinner containersinhistrashsometimes.Admittedly,Hankdid wearsandalsonhotsummerdays.Tothekidsand (apparently)tothevisitorsHankwasaspecialperson.To theparentsoftheyoungpeopleintheneighborhood,Hank wasaniceguy,anordinaryguy.Hewasn'tparticularly wealthyorfamousorsuccessful;certainly,hewasnosaint. Afterall... ConstructiveLivingprovidesalifestrategyforbecoming ordinary.Wefearthatwearenotordinary(neurotic)and weyearntobenotordinary(superior).ConstructiveLiving teachesushowtobenatural,justourselves,nothing special.Disappointed?Youexpectedmore?Perhapsthereis consolationinthetruththatbeingnothingspecial,inthe

senseusedhere,isastatebothrewardinganddifficultto achieve. Forthemarvel,thespecialquality,isinthismoment,in thisuniquecircumstance,notinyouorme.Iamjustapart ofthismoment,anaspect,aparticipant.Iamjustordinary, butthisRealityiseverchangingwonder! SleepingSickness Onceuponatimetherewasalandinwhichthepeople thoughtthatbysleepingwitheachothertheycouldget theirpartners'magicalpowersandavoidloneliness. Theywerewrong. ThisistheshortestofthestoriesIhavewrittenformy students.Itwaswrittenforapersonwhousedseductionto bringabouttemporaryfeelingsofsecurityandtohidefrom gnawingloneliness.Wediscussedalternativeactivitiesto achievemorecontrollable,longtermgoals. Royalty Onceuponatimetherewasaprincewholikedbeingjusta prince.Heknewthatsomedayhisfatherwouldstepdown andhewouldascendtothethrone,buthedreadedthatday. "Iamamereprince,Father.Ihavemanysisters.Letoneof themruletheland." "Thepeopleexpectyoutorulethem,myson.Whydoyou strugglewithyourdestiny?"

"Iamaverygoodprince,"theyoungmananswered."Iam skilledatdoingprincelythings.Icanholdmyownin combat,wooprettymaidens,danceuntildawn,anddrink andridemystallionwiththebestofthem.ButIamnota king.Akingmustbeseriousandwiseandjust.Kingsknow muchmorethanIdo.Icannotbeaking." Theroyalmonarchonlylaughed. Nowithappenedthatlaterthatyeartheruleroftheland fellill.Theillnesslingeredformonths.Itwasrumoredthat thekingwasabouttoturnoverpowertohisson. Theprincebegantopanic."I'mnotreadyforthis,"hecried. "Cansomeoneelsetakeoverforafewyears?Howabouta councilofgovernors?IfonlyMotherhadn'tdiedIwish thataqueencouldruletheland.Oh,dearme,whatshallI do?" Twodaysbeforethecoronationceremonyallthepalacewas inanuproar.Theprincehadlockedhimselfinhisroom, andherefusedtocomeout.Uponhearingthistragicnews, thekingimmediatelycalledthegrandwizardtohis sickbed.Helookedtheoldmanstraightintheeyeandtold himtotakecareoftheproblem.Thegrandwizardnodded andleftwithaswirlofhisrobes.Heknewexactlywhatto do.Forhadn'taverysimilareventoccurredfortyyears before,asthecurrentmonarchascendedthethrone? Thegrandwizardknockedontheprince'sdoor.Hecarried atrayoffoodinhislefthand. "Goaway,"avoicecalledfrominsidetheroom.

"Sire,Ihaveyourmealtray." "Idon'twantanythingtoeat.Goaway!" "But,Sire,Ihavethedynasticpillforyoutotakewithyour meal." "Thedynasticpill?"Thevoicesoundedsomewhatcloserto thedoor. "Ofcourse,itisthemedicinethatmakesyouaruler." Thevoiceofthegrandwizardwasscarcelyawhispernow. "Youcannotreignwithouttakingthedynasticpill." "'Ineverheardofsuchathing." "Andplease,Sire,donottellanyoneelseaboutit," whisperedtheoldman."Ifwordgotout,manywoulddesire totakethepillandbecomeamonarch." Curiosityandhopefilledtheyoungman.Heopenedthe dooracrackandpeekedoutintothehall. "Comein,quickly!" Thegrandwizardscurriedintotheprince'schambers,tray inhand. "Allright,whereisthepill?"demandedtheprince. "Itisinsidethebottlethereinthecenterofyourtray.You hadbestreadthelabelandinstructionscarefullybefore takingit." "Youmaygonow."Theprinceturnedawayandsatonthe bedwiththemagicbottleinhishand. "Yes,Sire."Andthegrandwizardlefttheroom.

Theprinceeagerlyreadthelabelonthebottle.Itread: "Dynasticpill.Preparedpersonallybyeachmonarchforhis royalsuccessor.Readtheinstructionsinsidecarefully." Theprincepulledtheglassstopperfromthebottleand peeredinside.Asheetofpaperandonelargewhitepill greetedhiseye. Thesheetofpapermustcontaintheinstructions,he thought.Ashebegantounfurlit,hisimaginationturned towardthecoronationbanquet.Inhismind'seyehe picturedhimselfstandingregallyatthetablehead, toastingthekingdom.Poised,confident,fullyaking... Twodayslaterthecoronationtookplacewithoutincident. Thecourtwasbuzzingaboutthefinebearingofthenew king.Thecommonfolkrejoicedattheprospectofanotherin alonglineofwiseandcharismaticmonarchs. Ohyes,aboutthepill.Astheprince'stremblingfingers unfoldedtheinstructions,herecognizedhisfather's handwriting: Foryou,myson, Nomaniseverreadyforsuchauthorityasthis.Noman beginsbyfeelinglikeaking.Youbecomeakingbybeing one.Intime,youwillwearyourcrownascomfortablyas anyonehas. Thereisnomagicinthispill.Itismadeofthebitterest herbs.Theinstructionsaretoholditinyourmouthuntil yougrowusedtothebitterness.Then,whenyouhave

conqueredit,whenthepillhascompletelydissolved,you mayswallowit.Thatisall. Yourlovingfather Sometimeswedonotfeelconfidenttodothetasksthatlife bringsustodo.Otherpeopleappeartobeconfidentasthey dotheirtasks.Wewantamagicpill(oraneducation,ora securejob,orafinespouse,ormuchmoney,orsomething else)togiveusconfidence.Butconfidencecomesafterwe havedoneourworkandsucceeded,notbefore.Itisnatural tolackconfidencebeforestartinganewschoolsubjector movingintomarriageortakingonnewresponsibilitiesat work.Acceptthebittertasteofselfdoubtwhilegoingabout masteringthesituation. Stoptime LittleSuzywasinkindergarten.Onedayshebroughta pumpkinseedhomefromclass.Herhomeworkassignment wastoplanttheseedandwateritandgrowapumpkinfor nextHalloween. Shepackedrich,blacksoilintoaglassjar,plantedher seed,watereditcarefully,andsetitonthekitchenwindow shelf.Thenshesatdowntowatchtheseedgrow. "Whatareyoudoing,Suzy?"herteenagedsister,Lucy, asked. "I'mwaitingforthepumpkintogrowsothatIcanputitin alargerjar,"Suzyreplied.

"Silly,"Lucylaughed."Itwilltakealongtimebeforethat pumpkincomesup." "That'sallright;I'llwait.Whatareyoudoingsittingbythe phone?" "I'mhopingBillwillcallme.He'sthatcutenewguyat school.Ithinkhelikesme." "Doesheknowourphonenumber?"Suzyaskedasensible question. "Hmmm.Maybe.HeknowsBob,andBobknowsit." Justthentheirfatherenteredthekitchen. "Anytelephonecallsforme,Lucy?"heasked. "No,notthismorning.Anythingspecial?" "Well,Isentthatmanuscriptofftothepublisher'slast week.Theyshouldletmeknowsooniftheywanttopublish itornot." "Well,nothingsofar." "Thanks,I'dbettergetbacktothatlawnmower."He grabbedacanofbeerfromtherefrigeratorandwentback outthroughthescreendoor. FromthenextroomLucy'smother'svoicecouldbarelybe heardabovethewhirofthesewingmachine.Shewas talkingtoherself. "Whenwillthatmancometohissensesaboutthewriting business?Hecouldbemakingagood,steadylivingasan engineer.I'vewaitedsixteenyearsforthelighttodawnon

himthathe'llnevermakeitasanauthor.Ifitweren'tfor mysewingandhisparents'money... Thecatscratchedatthescreendoor.Suzyrantoletitin. Tailintheair,herchubbypetheadedforthecupboard wherethecatfoodwaskept.Itsatandscratchedand whinedinitscat'svoice,waitingtobefed. Thisstoryseemstobegettingnowhere,theauthorthought. PerhapstomorrowI'llthinkofaninspiringending. Inthisstoryeveryoneiswaitingforsomething.Suzyis waitingforthepumpkinseedtogrow;Lucyiswaitingfora telephonecall;thecatiswaitingtobefed;eventheauthor iswaitingtofinishthestory.Somepeopleseemtoturn theirlivesoffastheywaitforsomething.Inotherwords, theyonlywaitanddonotusetheirtimewiselywhile waiting.Whenmyyoungerstudentsarewaitingtolearn theresultsofentranceexaminations,whentheyare waitingfortheirbustoarrive,whentheyarewaitingfora friendtotelephone,whatdotheydo?Lifeseemsverylong toyoungpeople,butitistooshorttowasteevenaminute. Youngorold,werecommendtoourstudentsthattheyfill theirwaitingmomentswithfunandstudyandother activity.OneofourConstructiveLivingactionmaximsis, "Don'tputyourlifeonhold." ABoyandHisCat Therewasoncealittleboywithapetcat.Hekeptthecatin awirecageallofthetime.Evenwhenhefedthecatand whenhepettedit,henevertooktheanimalfromitscage.

"Youcan'ttrustcats,"hesaid."Theywillrunawayifyou givethemachance." "Butdon'tyouloveyourcat?"hisfriendaskedhim. "Notparticularly,"hereplied."Butit'smine,andit'snot goingtogetaway."Hismotherarguedthatsincehefedthe catandstrokeditsfurrybody,thepetwouldwanttostay nearby.Buthedidn'twanttotakeanychances. Hisfatherfeltsorryforthecatandthreatenedtoputhis soninacagesohecouldseewhatitfeltliketobecooped upallthetime.Buttheboyknewthathisfatherwasonly bluffing. Monthaftermonthpassed,andthecat'srestlessness turnedtolethargy.Thepacingstoppedandtheanimallay curledinacornerofthesmallcagedayafterday,refusing toeat. "Yourcatwilldie,"hismotherwarned. "Letthecatout,"hisfatherordered. "It'sonlytryingtomakemetakeitoutofthecage,"cried theboy,andhethrewatantrum. Sothecatstayedasitwasuntilonedayitdied. "Idon'tcareifItakeitoutnow,"hesaidcalmly,andhe turnedthecageonendanddumpedthestiff,furrybody intothetrash. "ItnevergotoutuntilIwasready." Themainthemeofthisstoryconcernspossessiveness. Whatistherelationshipbetweenloveandcontrol?This

taleisusefulforsometroubledmarriagesandother relationships.Asinallthesefablestherearesubthemes thatcanbeusefulforcertainsortsofclients.Whatdoesmy studentseeastheproperchildrearingfunctionsof parents?Whatpartdoesthecatplayinthepermanent caging? OneStepForward,TwoStepsBack SirJuleswasaknightwithagrandgoalinlife.He intendedsomedaytoclimbthehighestmountaininthe kingdomofUckland.HisfamilywasproudofSirJules' ambition.Theylookedforwardtothedayhispurposewould beaccomplished. DespitehisyouthSirJuleswasnotanimpetuousor foolhardyknight.Veryprudentlyhedecidedthattherewas nosenserushingheadlongintoamountainclimbing expeditionwithoutpropertrainingandpreparation. Perhaps,hethought,itwouldbewisertostartwithsmaller mountainsandworkuptothechallengeofMountSummit. SohetriedclimbingthemuchsmallerMountNorep. PartofthewayupduringtheascentofMountNorep,Sir Julesbecamewinded.Hiscalvesandshouldersachedfrom thestrainofclimbing.Beingaprudentfellow,hedecided thatitwouldbedangeroustooverexerthimselfsoearlyin hisclimbingcareer.Heturnedaroundandwenthomefor moretraining. MonthslaterhebegantheascentofMountNoreponce again.Thistimehecarriedalighterpackandworespecial

supportiveshoes.Butsurprisingly,hefoundhimself windedevenearlierthanbefore.Hisheartbeganpounding withtheexertion.Nouseriskingsomesortofheartattack, hereflectedreasonablyashesatonaboulderbythesideof thetrail.I'lltrythispracticeclimbanothertimewhenIam inbettercondition. Therewereseveralmoderatesizedhillsnottoofarfromthe castle.ForseveralweeksSirJulescarriedhispacktothese hillsandhikedthroughthem.Afterawhile,hehadhis servantcarrythepackasfarasthehills.Thenhehefted thepackandbeganclimbing.Afterall,hereasoned,he needn'texerthimselfontheflatroadleadingtothehills; hewasintrainingforclimbingonly.Butwalkingaboutin thehillsbecameboring.Whatinterestedtheyoungknight wasasteeperclimb.Still,hedidn'tfeelquitereadyto tackleMountNorepyet. Thecastlewallswere,ofcourse,verticalmassesof assembledrock.Youcan'tfindanythingsteeperthan vertical,thoughtSirJules.Heabandonedhishikesinthe hillsinordertopracticescalingthecastlewallswithrope andspikedboots.Unfortunately,hesoondiscoveredthathe wasafraidofheights,atleastthesheerheightsofcastle walls.So,beingacautiousperson,heabandonedthat methodoftraining. IfIplanmyascentmorecarefullyinordertoavoidthe steeperandmoredemandingpathsupMountSummit,he consideredreasonably,theexpeditionwillsurelygomore smoothly.Noonewouldarguewithsuchasensiblecourse

ofaction.Sotheyoungknightworkedinhisroomaround theclockporingovermapsofthevariousapproachestothe summit. Butastheweekspassedheseemedtogrowpaleandweak. Dayandnighthespentinhiscastleroomplanningand imaginingandwishingforthesuccessofhisproject. Strangely,eachdaythemountainseemedhigherinhis imagination. Intime,peoplebegantowonderifhewasreallyserious abouthisplan.Afterall,whathedidwasmerelytositin hisroomandtalkaboutwhathehopedtodosomeday.The plansbecamemoreandmorevague.Thedateofthe expeditionbecamesomedistantfuturetimewhenhefelt morereadytoconquerthemountain. ThemountainwonitsbattlewithSirJulesbecausethe mountainjustsatthereandsodidSirJules.Mountains don'thavetoputonetired,tremblingfootbeforetheother inordertoachievesuccess;humansdo. Onthesurface,SirJules'sthinkingmayappear circumspectandrational.Yetthissortofthinkingkepthim retreatingfromnecessaryaction.Itiscommoninbright peoplewithneurotictendencies.Suchthinkingisneurotic. TheUnicornandtheMenicorn Wheretheunicornhasahornprojectingoutintotheworld, themenicornhasasortofdeeppimple,calledanintrohorn. Theunicornusesitshorntotouchthings,ratherasweuse ourfingers.Thehornisquitesensitive,sotheunicorncan

learnalotaboutatreeorapersonjustbybrushingagainst itwithitshorn.Thehornissosensitivethatsometimesthe unicorngetshurtwhenitnudgessomethingwiththorns, forexample,orwhenitbumpsagainstsomethinghard. Still,theunicornusesitshornquitealotinitsdailylife.It isausefulsensoryorgan. Themenicorn,ontheotherhand,hasitsverysensitive dimpledintrohorn.Butbecausetheintrohornprojects inwardinsteadofoutward,themenicorndoesn'tuseitto exploreitssurroundings.Instead,itgrazespassively hopingthewindwouldblowsomethingintoitsconcave senseorgan.Themenicornoftenwishesthatsomething interestingwouldfallintoitsintrohorn.Mostofthetime, however,whatfallsintothemenicorn'sintrohorncomes fromthemenicornitself.Naturally,whenitsweatsorcries thesaltwatercollectsintheintrohorn.Strandsfromits maneandflakesofskindriftintotheintrohorn,aswell. Overtheyears,themenicornbecomesexceedinglyfamiliar withtheseaspectsofitself.Itlongsfornewstimulation fromoutside,butitdoesn'tknowhowtogosearchingfor newexperiences.Sothemenicornliveswiththeoverly familiareverydayandgrowsmorediscontentyearbyyear. Whatthetypicalmenicorndoesn'tknowisthatitcan reversethegrowthofitsintrohornandgetittoproject outwardlikethehornofaunicorn.Itneveroccurstomost menicornsthattheywilleverbeanythingbutpassive recipientsofwhatthewindandgravitybringtheirway.

Afewmenicornshavemadethetransition.Ittakesgetting outofthepastureandintothewoodswithallthosepoking, jabbingtwigsandbranches.Theintrohorngetsirritatedby allthecontactwiththebristlyunderbrush,anditbeginsto swell.Thepainfulswellinggrowsoutwardand,intime, becomestoughened.Amenicorncanlearntocontrolthe growthofitshornbychoosingwheretopokeit. Youwillfindthattheunicornswiththelongestandfinest hornswereoncemenicorns;thoughsomeofthemhave forgotten. Thisstoryisforselfcentered,introvertedstudents.It providestheoccasiontotalkaboutwhattheyenvyin others,thepainofexploration,andtherewardsofgetting involvedintheirsurroundings. TheDollCarriage Reneeisinherlatetwentiesnow,aprettygirlwithgood postureandappropriatelycrossedanklesandstudied grace.Sheisbentonfindingadollcarriage.Somewould callherquestanobsession.Everyweekendshecanbe foundrummagingaroundinthehugeatticoftheVictorian houseinwhichshelivessearchingforanolddollcarriage. Herstorybeginsnearlytwentyyearsago.Hermother askedReneetoputawaythelovelynewdollcarriage(it wasaChristmasgiftfrombothherparents)andhelpset thetable.Afterthetablewassettherewereotherchoresto do.Herfatherleftthemthateveningafterdinner;her

motherlostinterestinliving.SoitfelltoReneetotakecare ofhermother,herbrothersandsisters. Therewasn'tmuchtimetoplaywithherdollsinthe followingdays.Beingapracticalgirlshepackedawayher dollcarriage,collapsingitandreturningittoitsoriginal container,storingitintheattic.Andshewaitedforabetter time.Duringthepassingyearstherewassomuchtodo. Hermotherstumbledherwayoutofdepression'sfog.Her brothersfinishedtheireducation.Onesistergotmarried. TheyallappreciatedRenee'ssacrificesforthem.Shehad beensocarefulnottocauseanyonetrouble.Therehadbeen slipshereandthere,but,overall,Reneehadbeenamodel child. Reneewasabouttwentysixwhenshefelttheurgetofind theolddollcarriagepackedawayforalltheseyears.Her brothernoticedthatshewasintheatticshovingaroundthe trunksandboxes.Hewonderedwhatshewasabout, noticedheremptyhandsasshedescendedtheatticstairs severalhourslater. "Whatwereyoudoingupthere?"heaskedinthat challengingtonesocharacteristicofhisvoiceandhislife. "Nothing,"Reneerepliedabsently."justlookingfor something." ButthenextweekendReneewasbackintheatticagain, andthenext,andthenext.Alwaysshelookedforthedoll carriage.

Afterseveralmonthshermotherofferedtohelphersearch forwhateveritwasshewaslookingfor.ButReneewanted todoitwithoutassistancefromanyoneelse. ThestrangethingwasthatReneehadabsolutelynoidea whatshewantedtodowiththedollcarriageifsheever foundit.Surely,shehadnoseriousprospectsofmarriage, didn'tfeelpreparedtohaveachildofherown.Anyway,the carriagewastoosmallforafullsizedinfant.Itwas completelyuselesstoher,yetshefeltimpelledtofindit. Somedaysshesearchedmethodically;somedayssheflung boxesfranticallyallovertheattic.Whatcouldhave happenedtoherchildhoodplaything?Surelyitwashere, somewhereintheattic.Perhapsitwashiddenunderthe gownsshehadsewnduringherteenyears.Perhapsitlay beneaththeoldtextbooksfromthedayswhenshehad finallyescapedtoasmallcollegeupNorth. Atlast,lateinhertwentyeighthyear,Reneegaveup.She satontheatticfloorandcrieduntiltherewerenomore tearstostirthedustnexttoherhand.Shegrievedforall thatshe'dneverhadandcouldnevergobacktofind. Thenshewentoutandfoundajobthathelpedkidsbekids whiletheyhadthechance. Thisstorywaswrittenforsomeonewhoseemedtohave missedherchildhoodandwassearchingforitagain.More andmoreIencounteramongmystudentshistoriesof childrenwhowereforcedbycircumstancestobesupportive andadultlikeduringchildhood.Toomanyhadtobelike

parentstotheirbiologicalparents.Ofcourse,children shouldbeallowedtobechildren.Butwhatcanbedoneby thosewhoweren'tallowedtheirchildhoodwhentheywere young?Reneefoundasolution. Junkies InthemythicallandofDoktherewasawingedhorse, Satori,uponwhichonlyabravefewhadeverridden.Those whorodeuponthiswingedwonderappearedtobechanged insomemarvelousway.Soitisnowonderthatmany desiredtomountSatori. Howtobooksconcernedwithtrackingdownthesteed, gainingitsconfidence,andleapingastrideitsbroadback werelongsellersinthemarketplace.And,ofcourse,those whoclaimedtohaveriddenSatoricouldfindanaudience whenevertheyspoke. SomeofthefinecitizensofDokwerewhatmightbecalled "wingjunkies."Theyboughteverybookaboutflyingon Satori,tookcoursesonmounting,attendedlecturesby famousriders,collectedpaintingsandrecordingsofodd musicthatweresupposedtoberelatedtoSatori. Thesewingjunkieshaddifficultydistinguishingwhatwas genuinefromwhatwasfake.Anyonewhousedfashionable wordsandactedhumblesuperiorcouldattracttheir attentionandtheirmoney.Infact,formanyofthem,the goalofridingSatorihadlongagogivenwaytothegoalof justthinkingaboutridingit.Theideaofthewingedhorse

wassoattractivethatitwassufficientforthesewing junkies. Thereevolvedasortofinformalclubamongthewing junkiesofDok.Theysaweachotheratthisacademic lectureandatthatbarebackworkshop.Theyexchanged cleverwordsandtechniques.Theyallconsidered themselvestobepreparingfortheirbigdaywiththe heavenlysteed,but,strangely,noneofthemactuallyrode it. Overtheyears,averyfewofthewingjunkiesdroppedout ofthechicmovement.Theygaveupreadingaboutthe methodsordertotryoneofthemnotforaweekend,butfor alifetime.Withinayearorso,thesedropoutsdiscovered thatwhattheythoughttheyknewaboutgallopingthrough theheavenswasnomoresubstantialthanclouds.Their preparationstookanewturn.Stickingtoonemethodof ridingwasn'tnearlyasmuchfuntrippingofftothis "ashranch"andthatcommunalcorral.Ittookdiligenteffort andconstantattention.Eventhen,somedropoutsnever foundSatori,andsomewhofoundthehorseneverclimbed aboardfortheirrideinthesky. Eventhoughwitnessingthefailureanddifficultiesaround them,thesedropoutsknewinsomemysteriouswaythat theywereclosertoridingthestallionthanwhentheyhad beenwingjunkies.Theydidn'tunderstandhowtheyknew thisimportanttruth,nordidtheycare.Butthemorethey workedonthesinglemethodofriding,theclosertheycame totheirgoal.

Evenfewerofthesedropoutscametoseetheimportance cleaningstablesandoilingsaddlesandpracticingmounting leapswhethertheyeverrodethewingedsteedornot.Some folkssawthesemundanedropoutsandsaidthattheywere nodifferentfromthewingjunkies.Boththestable sweepersandthewingjunkiewere"doingtheirthing." NeitherwouldbelikelytorideSatori.Bothweresatisfied withtheirpreparationsforriding. Butwingjunkiesandstablesweepersaren'tthesameat all.StablesweepersnolongerneedtorideSatori.Ifthe horsewandersthroughtheirstablesthey'llclimbaboard,of course.Butthereisagreatdealofsatisfactioninkeeping thestablesshipshape. Thewingjunkies,ontheotherhand,needSatoribecause theircurrentlifeisunsatisfying.Andtheyarelikelytobe foreverfrustrated,franticallyflittingfromequestriantutor tocowboyguru. InthelandofDokfewflytheskieswithSatori.Yetafew havelearnedtowalkthegroundwithwingedfeet. TheMagicMedallion Theadventurerssathunchedaroundasmokyfireina hostilejungle.Eachdaybroughtthemclosertotheirprize. Mountains,deserts,oceans,andnowajunglebutnothing wouldstopthem.Nativesemergedfromthegreencurtain toadvisethemtogoback.Withonehandontheirrifles theycontinuedtoeatfromthetinplatesproppedontheir knees.

Theysoughtthemagicmedallion,sourceofgreatpower. Powerwouldbringthemrichesandlivesofease.Sonow theysufferedthismiserable,dangerousexistence.The crumpledmapintheirleader'spockettracedanunclear pathtowardanuncertaindestination.Buttheycouldfeel theclosenessofthemedallion.Itbeckonedthemtofuture fortune.Rightnow,themosquitoesfeastedandthefireants stung,butifonlytheycouldgaintheprize,allwouldbe well. Afterfeatsofdaringandcloseescapesandlonghoursof boredomandwearinesstheystoodbeforetheCaveofthe MagicMedallion.Cautiouslytheyentered;whoknewwhat finalmenaceawaitedthem?Theirflashlightscrisscrossed backandforthonthewallsoftheshallow,manmadeholein thehillside. Thealtarstoodagainstthebackwall.Theyapproachedit. Trapdoors?Deadfalls?Nothing.Andonthealtar,too, nothing. "Oh,no,"theyexclaimed,"someonehasbeatenustothe medallion." Andthentheyreadtheinscriptioncarvedbelowthealtar. Itread:"Foolishones!Whydoyouseekmagicpowerlike littlechildrenlostinafairytale?Areyounotadults?Did younotsufferandstruggletoreachthisplace?Youwho succeededinyourquesthavenoneedofmagicpowers.Go backandusethepowersthatarerightfullyyours."

Oneoftheadventurersreturnedhomedisappointed;he begantoplanmoreexpeditions,successfulonesthatwould leadhimtorealtreasure,notemptyadvice.Asecond memberofthepartypickedupafewshinypebblesnearthe altar.Shehopedthattheymighthavepickedupsomeofthe magicalpowerofthemedallionbeforeitwasstolen.An exhaustedmanranscreamingintothejungleandwas neverheardfromagain.Butahandfulofadventurerswent homeponderingthemeaningoftheinscription.What powerswererightfullytheirs?Whyshouldtheyhaveno needofwonderfulmagic?Hadtheirexpeditionsucceededor not? WaterWorld Onceuponafragiletimepeoplelivedonthesurfaceofa hugebodyofwater.Theywalkedonathinfilmthatcovered thewater'sgreatdepths.Sometimesthesurfacetension weakenedinspotsandsomeonebegantosink.Those aroundthesinkingpersonriskedbreachingthesurface tensioninordertorescuehimorher.Itwasthecustom. Suchselfsacrificewasnecessaryinthatworld.Whenthe rescuerswereindangerthey,too,couldexpecthelp. Sometimes,asthetearinthesurfacefilmspread,there werewholechainsofpeoplelendingahandtotheirfellows. Inthatriskyworlditwasgoodtoknowthatsupporting handswerereadytohelpwhenneeded. Nearby,anothergroupofpeoplelivedonasmallisland. Theywereproudthateachofthemwalkedbythe

individual'sownstrengthwithnohelporsupportfrom others.Inotherwaystheywereaverybrightpeople.Yet becauseoftheirpridetheywereconfinedtotheirisland. Andtheyknewachillylonelinessthattheirwaterborne cousinsneverfelt. OneoftheparttruthsinAmericancultureisthepartmyth oftheselfmadeindividual.Thatnotionhasboth stimulatedusandlimitedus.Theothersideofthattruthis thatwearealldependentonothersforoursuccessesand forourmomentbymomentexistence.Thereciprocity inspiredelementsofConstructiveLivingassistusin recognizingthistruthaboutmutualdependency. Smarts Onceuponawishfultimepocketsizeddragonsroamedthe land.Theyattackedhumansatwill.Theyattacked anythinginsight.Theirbitesrarelykilled,buttheywere painfulandtooktimetoheal.Peoplewalkedaboutwith scars. Aphilosopherarosewhoclaimedthatgettingtoknowthe dragonswouldcausethemtoceasetheirattacks.Heand hisfollowersmadegreateffortstounderstandand communicatewiththeminiaturedragons.Asaresult,they sufferedmanybites,buttheygatheredmuchinformation aboutthedragons'habits. Unfortunately,thephilosopherwaswrong.Knowingalot aboutdragonsdidn'tstopthemfromattacking.Thepeople feltdespair.Sometriedtoappeasethedragonswithevery

kindofpersonalgiftandsacrificeimaginable.Butgivingin tothedragonsseemedtobejustasineffective.Infact, sacrificingtheirmaterialpossessionstotrytokeepthe dragonsatbayprovedmorecostlythanenduringthe occasionalbite.Whatcouldtheydo?Thepeoplewereata loss. Allsortsofmethodsprovedunworkable.Heavyarmor restrictedthewearer'smovements.Flighttothemountains andbeachesdemonstratedonlythatdragonsexistedin thoseplaces,too.Prayersdidn'tdestroythedragondemons. Intime,thepeoplelearnedtolivewithoccasionalpain. Theyavoidedareasheavilyinfestedwithdragons.They kepttheireyesopentoavoidsteppingintothepathofa dragon.Buttheylearnedtogoabouttheirdailylives wearingabandagehereandthere.Often,theywereso involvedintheirworkorplaythattheyforgotaboutthe pain,thebandages,thedragons.Suchwasthenatureofthe country. Psychologicalinsightdoesn'terasepainorpreventits reoccurrence.Itmayhelpusspotpotentialtroubleareas. Thoughweavoidwhatisavoidable,wecannotescapefrom hurtaltogether.Welivealongsideit;welivewithinit;we liveit.Andthewayweliveinspiteofourpainisameasure ofourcharacter. Iamtoldthatinthedragoninfestedcountryintroduced abovesomepeopleactuallybefriendedandevenmarried particularlylargedragons.And,despitedifferencesintheir

temperaments,theyseemtohavegottenalongtogether prettywell. Fluff Thisisastoryaboutcloudpeople.Cloudpeoplefloatinthe skyonwordclouds.Theydriftmindlesslyonsoftpink syllables. Largecumuluscloudsarecomposedofwordslike"mystery unfoldinginyou,""youareGodinaction,""giveyourself permissiontobeinthatspecialmagicalinnerplace,""there isbeautyandjoyineverything,""celebrateyourself,""you aretheStar,""youdeserveawonderfullife,""itisyour rightasGod,""youcancreateanything,""beagifttothe world,""allowthechildinyoutoemergeanddemonstrate yourbeautyandwonderment."Scatteredcirruscloudsare madeupofwordslike"effortless,""centered,""trusting," "wondrous,""magical,""wisdom,""healthy,""successful," "perfect,""love,""abundance,""transform,""energy," "whole,""complete,""perfection,""peace,""joy."Theclouds offeranattractiveformationsailingthroughthesky.But theyhavenosubstanceupthereintheether. Hikingismoredifficultthansailingonclouds.Itisn't nearlyasmuchfuntoweaveone'swayonfootthrough junglesandprairiesasitistodriftinthesun.Climbinga mountainishardwork. Butcloudsdon'tsailtheirridersovermountains,theyrain. Cloudpeopleknowthattheyaren'tanchoredtoreality. Theymustknowit.Realitykeepsremindingthem.Still

theymakeefforttosuspendtheirdisbelief.Theycalltoone anotherfromtheirvaporousmountsthatthinkingso makesitso.Theyencourageotherstofloatupforaridein thesky.Theydemonstratetousthecapacityofhumansto desperatelybelieve. Yetthunderandlightningareasrealaslove.Andashelter builtwithone'shandsoffersmoreprotectioninastorm thanashelterimagedandaffirmedfromacelestialperch. HazardsofBrilliance Onceuponachangingtime,therelivedastreetwisefellow whoknewtheropesoftherapy,too.Let'scallhimJaime. Jaimewasaquickwittedfellowwhoknewhimselfthrough andthrough.Heknewthegamesheplayedwithhimself andothers.Heknewintimatelyhisstrengthsand weaknesses.Heknewhisunlimitedpotential. Jaimewantedtogohikinginthemountains,buthenever did.Heknewthementalobstacleshethrewuptoimpede hisaccomplishinghisgoal.Herecognizedthemental chatteraboutthehassleofgettingequipmenttogether,the difficultyofassuringcomfortandsafetyonamountain trail,theproblemofbeinginlessthanidealphysical condition,andsoon.Heknewhecouldgetoutonthetrail inspiteofhismentalvacillation. SometimesJaimewouldsitbackinafavoritereclinerinhis denandsmileathimselfandhisfoolishness.Whatan intricateanddeviousmindhehad!Buthewasawareofall

itstricks.Hecouldidentifyeachgambit,eachploy.How wellheknewhimself,sittingthereintherecliner. OnedayJaimeopenedabookaboutConstructiveLiving andreadthefollowingpassage:"Someverycleverpeople havetroublegraspingtheessenceofConstructiveLiving. Theyhavebeensosuccessfulatfiguringthingsoutthat theyoverlookthesimpleactionorientationofthislifeway. Theyhavebecomesogoodatseeingthroughtheirownlife gamesthattheythinktheseeingaloneissufficient.They areinsightfulandstuckintheirsagacity.Toomuch dependenceontheintellectandanobsessionwithinsight canactuallyinterferewiththeexperientialunderstanding ofthislifeway." Jaimeclosedthebook,smiled,andunderstoodexactlywhat thepassagemeant.Thenheclosedhiseyesanddriftedoff tosleep. TheSlipperyThroat Onceuponatimetherewasalittlegirl,Phyllis,witha slipperythroat.Wordsslippedoutofherthroatsorapidly thatsometimesshewassurprisedatwhatshesaid. Someonehadtoldherthatpeopledidn'tlikelittlegirlswho arewishywashy,sonomatterhowstrangethewordsthat slippedfromherthroatshenevertookthemback.She stoodbyherwordsnomatterwhat.Everyonearoundher thoughtshewasverybrightbecauseherwordscameoutso quickly;nooneeversuspectedheroflyingbecauseshe didn'thavetimetomakeupanyfalsehoodherreplies

cametooquicklyforthat.AndPhyllishatedtomakepeople waitforheranswerstotheirquestions.Furthermore,in somefamiliesifyoudon'tgetyourwordsinquickly somebodyelsewilljumpintheconversationwiththeirs.A slipperythroathassomeadvantages. Unfortunately,sometimesthewordsthatflewfromthe littlegirl'slipsweren'tthewordsshewouldhavelikedto say.Sometimestheywereevenwrong.Butwordswon't slidebackdownthethroateasily;theycan'tbeswallowed atall.Whattodo? SometimesPhyllispretendedshewasawallandcouldn't hearorspeakatall.Butthatwasnofunandpeopleknew better.SometimesPhyllisputlotsoffoodinhermouthso shewouldn'thavetospeakgoodgirlsdon'tspeakwith theirmouthsfull,youknow. AsPhyllisgrewupshelearnedtogivewordpackage presentstoothers.Shelearnedtowrapupherwordgiftsin justtherightwrappingsbeforeofferingthem.Ittooka littlemoretimetomakethempresentable,butwhenthey slippedfromherthroattheyfittheoccasionbeautifully. Whatagift! BytheWay Inafarkingdomagreengrocerhadthreesons.Theeldest sonlackedcourage.Sothegreengrocersenthimouttofind someonewhocouldgivehimcourage.Thesonwasgiven somemoneyandtoldnottoreturnhomeuntilthreeyears hadpassedinhisquesttofindaproperteacherofcourage.

Thesecondsonlackedpersistence.Thegreengrocersethim thetaskofworkinginthestoreasanapprenticeforthree yearsinordertosaveenoughmoneytopayfor psychologicaltreatmentthatwouldmakehimmore persistent. Thethirdsonlackedpurpose.Sohisfatherorderedhimto studyforthreeyearsinordertodiscoveraworthypurpose. Attheendofthreeyearstheeldestsonreturnedhome.He returnedwithcourageeventhoughhehadn'tencountered someonetogiveittohim.Thesecondsonhadsavedenough moneyforpsychotherapy,buthenolongerneededhelp developingpersistence.Thethirdsonfoundapurpose withinthethreeyears,butthepurposewasn'twrittenina book.Hebecameascholar. Moritanotedthatbythetimesomepeoplehadworkedto saveupenoughmoneyforprivateinpatienttreatment,they nolongerneededit.Thediligent,purposefulworkingitself hadworkedthe"cure."Sooftenitisinthedoingandnotin thebeingdonetothatwechangeinmostimportantways. Chains Samuelshuffledaroundthevillagewithshacklesabouthis ankles.Frommorninguntileveningyoucouldtellwherehe wasmakingfirewooddeliveriesbytheclankingsoundsof thechainshewore.Inhisleathercoatandapron,hishair neatlycropped,withaloadofbranchesonhisback,and thoseeverpresentchainsrestrictinghisgait,hewasquite asighttobehold.

Surprisingly,thechainswerepolishedandgleamingeach morningashelefthishouse.Evenmoresurprisingly, Samuelworetheshacklesvoluntarily.Hewastheonewho putthemoninthefirstplace.Hisstoryisn'twellknown, butitgoeslikethis: Tenortwelveyearsago,Samuelwokeupandheaded outsidetostretchanddiscovertheday.Ashesetfootacross thedoorstep,hestumbledoverdirty,rustedshackles.How theycametobeonSamuel'sdoorstepnooneknew(the storyofwhoputthemthereandwhyisforanothertime andplace).Certainly,hehaddonenothingtodeservethem. Hisfirstimpulsewastoaskaroundtowntofindthe rightfulowner.But,then,whowouldclaimsuchrustyold impediments?Itwouldbetantamounttoadmittingsome pastcrime,foronlycriminalsworesuch"legnecklaces."No, noonewouldclaimthem.Noonewantedthem. Samuelhadtheoddnotionthatthechainshadbeengiven specificallytohim.Butiftheyhadbeenmadeforhim,why didtheyappearsooldandrusted?Thelockswereopen. Thecuffsfithisanklesperfectly.Withoutreallyconsidering alltheimplicationsofwhathewasabouttodo,Samuel slippedthelocksthroughtheirfittingsandsnappedthem shut.Thenheshuffledaroundthelivingroomgettingthe feelofthethings.Andforsomeoddreasonhekeptthemon. Inthedaysthatfollowedsoresdevelopedonhisfeetfrom thebangingandchafingofthechains.Thereweredays whenheconsideredtryingtoworkhislegsfreefromthe metalwraps,butheknewhecouldnot.Asweekspassed,

hislegsandfeettoughened.Hebecameaccustomedtothe limitationofmovement. Hebegantopolishthechains. Itwasaboutthattimethatseveralbrightyoungmencame todiscussthematterwithSamuel.Theytoldhimthey couldridhimofhischainsforacertainamountofmoney.It mighttaketime,butwouldn'theprefertowalkunfettered? ButSamueldecidedtokeepthemon.Theyfithim. Asthemonthspassed,heworetheshacklesproudly, whethertheyweregleaminginthemorningordustyas theydraggedhomeinthedustoftheeveningstreets. Inthatsmallvillageitbecameasortofcustomforyoung peopletoimitateSamuelbydecoratingthemselveswith littlesilvershacklesabouttheirankles.Theshackles becamejewelry. Theshackleshavegrownthininplacesnow.Theycould easilyhebroken.Samuel'slegsarethickandstrongfrom carryingtheextraweighteachday.Hehardlynoticesthe metalburden.Thereisnoneedtobreakthechains. Someday,perhaps,theywillfalloffbythemselves. Lifesometimespresentsuswithresponsibilitiesand obligationsthathamperourfreedom.Anelderly,bedridden parent,adisabledchild,amentallydisorderedspouse,a failingbusiness,achronicinjusticealltheseareexamples ofsituationsthatcanplaceunexpectedshacklesonour timeandmovement.Somepeoplehavegrownstrong

throughthesecircumstances.Some,likeSamuel,have learnedtomakeeventheirchainsbrightandshining. FillinguptheValley Manyyearsagotherewasalongropebridgespanninga deepvalley.Nooneknewhowthebridgehadbeenputin placeorwhohadputitthere.Onenightduringaviolent windstormthebridgewastornapartandflungaway.Only itsdistant,tatteredendsremainedinthemorning. Fromthatdayonevillagerbegantohaulrockstothetopof thecliffoverlookingthevalley.Theclimbwassteepandhis loadwasheavy,butdayafterdayhepushedandlugged hundredsofpoundsofrockstotheclifftopandpushed themovertheedge.Theytumbleddownontothevalley floor.Someofthemwerecaughtbytheriverandcarried fartherdownstream. Manyofthevillagersscoffedatthisman'sfutileefforts. "Youwillnevermakeanewbridgethatway,"theylaughed. "Howcananyonefillupsuchavastexpanse?Itwouldtake hundredsofyearsandhundredsofmentoevenbeginto showsomeresults.Look!Therivercarriesawaymostof youreffortanyway."Theyshooktheirheadsathis foolishness. Certainly,thelossofthebridgecausedthemmuch inconvenience.Theyhadtocarrytheirtradegoodsdown thesideofthevalley,acrosstheriver,anduptheotherside togettothelocalmarket.Nevertheless,thisfellow'swork

wassheerfoolishness!Itwouldneverchangetheconditions appreciably. Yethetoiledon,dayafterday,monthaftermonth,year afteryear.Somedaysashelookeddownintothevalley,it lookedasthoughasmallpileofrockshadbeguntoform. Onotherdayshecouldseenoresultsofhiseffortsatall. Yethecontinuedwithhistask. Ifyouaskedhimwhyhecarriedonwithsuchafruitless task,hemighthavemumbledsomethingabouthisdesireto dosomethingaboutthebrokenbridge,abouttheadded sufferingcausedthevillagersbythedifficulttripto market.Itwashardtofindwordsfortherestlessnesshe wouldfeelifheweren'tdoingsomething,howevertrivial, abouttheproblem. Onedaythisunnamedmandiedashepushedaheavy boulderupthemountainside.Lookingdownintothevalley, onecouldseelittleeffectofhisyearsoflabor.Still,hisface lookedpeacefulindeath.Wheretheremighthavebeena grimacefromtheexertionofyearsofefforttherewasonlya smile. TherearemanysimilarstoriesinZenliterature.Onesuch taleisthatofasmallbirdwhotriestoputoutablazing forestfirewiththewateritcancarryonitswings. Manyimportantandworthwhilelifetasksshowno apparentresults.Wemustundertakethemnotbecausewe canaccomplishtheminourlifetimebutbecausetheyare

worthyofoureffort.Workingtorelievehumanmiseryis onesuchtask.Thesatisfactionisinthedoing. SoftandEasy ThemudpeopleofPlanetThreewerejustthattheywere madeofmud.Theirplanetcircledasunthatwas sometimeshotandnear,sometimescoolanddistant.Some daysthesunwouldshine;somedaystherainwouldpour. Putsimply,thereweretwokindsofmudpeople.Someof themwouldworklongandhardevenonhotdays,whenthe sun'sorbitswungitneartheplanet.Theyreceivedridicule fortheirlonghoursoftoilonthesedays.Itwasn't,afterall, economicallynecessarytoworksohard.Mudpeopleneed verylittleinthewayofcreaturecomforts.Thosewho stayedoutinthesuntolaboronsuchhotdaysfoundtheir bodiesbakedhardasstone.Theylostacertainamountof socialstatusbytheirtough,darkappearance. Theothercategoryofmudpeopleworkedonlyoncloudy, cooldays.Mostly,theyworkedwhentheyfeltlikeworking. Theywereknownfortakingalotoftimegettingreadyto workaftertheyarrivedinthefields,andtheystarted gettingreadytogohomewellbeforedark.Theywere respectedandpaidhandsomelybymudfolksociety.Their moistsoftnesswasasignofluxury,beauty,andprestige. Theyprospered. Untiltherainyseasoncame. Anyonewhoconsistentlytakesthesoftandeasycourse turnsoutsoftandeasy.

Wings InacastletowninEuropetherelivedthreebrothers.From thetimetheywereoldenoughtogotoschool,theywere obsessedwiththedesiretofly.Thehuntingfalconsglided soeffortlessly,thendartedattheirpreywithpowerand agility.Thekitestuggedtowardfreedomabovethecastle walls.Howwonderfulitwouldbetosoarinunbounded space!Intime,thebrothersbecameadults. Karl,theeldest,studiedbirds.Heknewthestructuresof theirwingsandfeathersintimately.Hedreamedand dreamedofbeingabird.Butheneverflew. Kurt,thesecondson,studiedhimself.Helearnedindetail thephysiologicalconditionsthatpreventedhimfromflying. Heturnedinwardandbroodedabouthislimitations.He neverflew. Kevin,theyoungest,studiedmethodsthemethodsof science,engineering,mechanicalcrafting,business economics.Hebuiltmodelsandprototypesand,atlast,a flyingmachine.Heflew. WhenKevinaskedhisbrotherstosharetheseatsinhis flyingmachine,theyrefused.Anoisy,dangerous mechanicalcontraptioncouldfindnoplaceinKarl's dreams.Kurtfeltnoconfidencethatthedevicecouldcarry himwithallhisstructuralweakness. OnlyKevinflew.Heracedthefalconsandcircledthekites. Thenhewentontoinventothermarvelousdevices.

Thereisnothingwrongwithdreaming,unlessweonly dream.Thereisnothingwrongwithintrospection,unless thatisallwedo.Itisimportanttolearnmethodsfor effectiveaction.Whetherthemethodsarepsychologicalor politicalorartisticormechanical,theyprovideuswith toolsformovingbeyondmentalwheelspinning. OurConstructiveLivingmethodemphasizespractical learningforpracticalliving.Whenwehavemasteredthe appropriatemethodsandhavefulfilledonedream,wecan moveontotacklingthenext. Thirsty,SwimmingintheLake Inacountrydoctor'sofficeonaTuesdaymorningI overheardthefollowingconversation.Itwasametered exchange,withlongpausesneartheend. "Nobodyeverreallycaredaboutme." "Nicelookingclothesyou'rewearing,Ed.Pickthemout yourself?" "No,mywifedidthat.ButasIwassaying,Doc" "Howlongdidyougotoschool?" "Iwantedtodropout,butmymothermademe" "Whatdidyouhaveforbreakfastthismorning,Ed?" "Justcoffee.AndIfixeditmyself.Margiehatesgettingup inthemorning.Ifshelovedmemorethanthatdamndown quilt" "Yousleptathomelastnight?"

"Ofcourse.Why" "I'mgladyoumadeitsafelytotheofficethismorning,Ed." "Huh?" "Thirsty,swimminginthelake." "What?" "Isaid,'Thirstyswimminginthelake.'" "Doc,areyoutryingtotellmeIshouldbegratefulforwhat I'vegot?" "Notatall,Ed.Butit'simportanttonoticethelake." "Allright,allright.ButIfeelsoinsecure.Youknow,Doc, farmingissuchagamble.We'vegotdebtstoworryabout. Andtheysaythey'reruiningtheatmosphereandadrought isgonnahitus." "Wecan'twalkonwater,Ed.Havetoswim." "Hmmm.Reckonyou'reright.Don'tfeellikeswimming muchsometimes." "Yep,meeither." "SometimesdogpaddlingisthebestIcandotokeepfrom drowning." "Yep,metoo,Ed." "Well,okay.Iseewhatyoumean.Thanks,Doc.Appreciate thetime..." "Gladyoucameby,Ed.Samelake,afterall."

Venus Onceuponanunrealandmagicaltimealovelyyounglady wishedforanageless,firmfigureandaneternallycalm mind.Atlastshewasgrantedherwishbythegods. Youmayfindherintherosegardenalongsidetheother statues. X.ConstructiveLivingExercises ExercisesinLivingTheBallGame InthischapterIsuggestsomeexercisesfordevelopingskill ateverydaylife,orinotherwords,atplayingballon runningwater.Theseexercisesarebynomeanstrivial. Theyareextremelydifficultwhendonecorrectly,when donewithattentionandwithpurpose.Youmaywonderat firstwhytheseexercisesareassigned.Perhapsyouwillno longerwonderafteryouhavebecomeaccomplishedatthem. Veryfewpeopleareskillfulatallofthem.Veryfewofmy studentsareskillfulatanyofthemwhentheyfirstcomefor training.MythankstotheConstructiveLivinginstructors whosuggestedsomeoftheassignmentsbelow. Thefirstsetofassignmentsarerelativelystraightforward: 1.Getupinthemorningandmakeyourbed. 2.Preparebreakfast. 3.Talkwithsomeone. 4.Takeawalk. 5.Cleanthestreetsinyourneighborhood. 6.Scrubyourbathroom.

7.Eatdinner. 8.Playagame. 9.Takeabathorshower. 10.Gotobed. Theassignmentsinthisfirstsetneednotbecarriedoutin anyparticularorder.Youneednotmasteronebefore startingonanother.Thereisnotimelimitinvolved, althoughIexpectthatprogresscancontinueformonths andyears.Beforebeginningonthelist,youmightwantto practicewiththefollowingassignment: Writealistofthingsthatneedtobedone.Irecommenda simplelistforastart.Thelistshouldberelativelyshort, basic,practicable,concrete,immediate,andeasytotell whetheraccomplishedornot.Nogranditemslike"put myselfthroughcollege,""findtheperfectwomanformeand marryher,""retireintheSouthPacific."Thelistshould containitemslike"writeinmyjournaleverydaythis week,""getupintimetoeatabalancedbreakfast,""mail thecheckforthemortgagepayment,""makefivephone callstodayforjobinterviews,""dodishesimmediatelyafter dinner,""takethecarinTuesdayforservicing,""readten pagesinanewbook,""shaveeverymorningthisweek," "writeathankyoulettertoAuntCarrie,"andsoforth. Includesomefunthingsfunthingsneeddoing,too.But whatgoesonthelistshouldbedeterminedbywhetheror notitneedstobedone,andnotmerelyonthebasisofits pleasantnessordisagreeableness.

Someonesuggestedthathumansshoulddosomething unpleasanteverydayasasortofmeansofself development,asubjugationoftheego.I'mnotatall interestedinthatsortofthinghere.Iamverymuch interestedingettingdonewhatneedstobedone,whether itispleasantornot.Canyouseethedifferencebetween theseapproaches?Theotherapproachisfocusedonthe discomfortordrudgeryofchangingtheoilinthecrankcase orcleaningthetoilets.ConstructiveLivingisfocused simplyongettingthatoilchangedandthetoiletscleaned. Thedoerhardlyfitsintothepictureatallexceptasa meansofgettingthosetasksaccomplished. Whatastrangenotion,youmightthink.AmInot importantenoughtobethecenterofmyworld?Shouldn't thepleasantnessorunpleasantnessofatasktomebethe mostimportantconsiderationwhenIundertakeevensome smallproject?Iseriouslydoubtthatanyoneignoresthe personalgratificationortormentinvolvedinhisorher actions.Butthegreatestpayoffcomestotheindividualwho simplynoteswithattentionthatthisnecessarytaskis goingtobeinteresting(orpainfulorfrighteningor exhilaratingorembarrassingorsomecombinationof feelings)andgetsonaboutaccomplishingwhatneedstobe done. ExercisesAmidtheWaves NoticethatIneversuggestthatwhenyoufeelreadyyou shouldcontinuewithanexercise.Youmaynotfeellike

doinganexerciseandstillneedtodoit.Ontheotherhand, itwouldbepropertoadvisethatwhenyoujudgeyourself readyyoushouldcontinuewithanexercise.Judgingtakes intoconsiderationfeelings,butalsoinformationaboutour tendenciestobelazyandtimid,thebenefitsoftheexercise, andourneedtodoit. Practicesilentaction.Trytowashdishesassilentlyas possible.Cookamealwithminimalnoise.Workonyourcar oryourhousewithattentiontodecreasingtheusual clamor. Pausebeforeamealandlisttwentyofthepeoplewhomade themealpossible.Eatthemealinsilence.Witheachbite silentlythankoneofthepeopleonthelistuntilalltwenty peoplehavebeenconsideredandthanked.(Adaptedfrom anexercisedevisedbyGreggKrech). Interviewacoupleofpeopleover65yearsold.Perhapsyour ownparentsfitthisdescription.Askaboutthedetailsof theirlives.Ofwhataretheymostproud?Whatdidthey plantodointheirlivesbutnevergotaroundtodoing? Whataretheirhopesandplansforthefuture?Whatdid youlearnfromthemaboutyourself? Takeahomemadesnackorsacklunchforsomeoneyou don'tknowwellattheofficeoratschoolorinthe neighborhood. Thenexttimeyoufeeldowninthedumpscallsomeoneand don'tmentionawordaboutyourownmisery.Findouthow thatpersonisdoing.Findoutifthereisanythingyoucan

doforhimorher.Thankthepersonfortalkingwithyou.Go ontowhatneedsdoingnext. Greetamailman,atruckdriver,atollboothoperator,a waitress,acrossingguard.Smileandcomplimentthemon somethingspecific. Writeyourwill.Considernotonlywhatmaterialobjects youwillleavebehind,butalsowhatnonmaterialtraces willremain. Whenyoudiewhatwordsdoyouwantonyourlips?Apart fromthenatural,"Idon'twanttodie"or"Thankyou"what finalsentencewouldyouleavewitheachofyourlovedones? Perhapsyouwanttoexpressthosewordstothemnow. Whatcouldyoudotodaytoliveoutyourfinalwordsfor them? ExercisesintheRain Tobesurethebestexercisesarethenaturalonesemerging fromeverydaylife.OurConstructiveLivingassignments aremerelyintermediarystepstomindfuldailyliving.Ina similarway,vacuumingcanbeusedasdistractionfrom immediatesuffering.Thatpurposecanbeseenasan intermediarysteptowardtheultimateendofvacuuming justtogettheroomclean.Exercisesprovidenoveltyand learningopportunitiesatanacceleratedpace.While undergoingConstructiveLivingtrainingtheassigned exercisesactuallybecameapartof"ordinaryeveryday living."Allthewhile,realitysendsyounaturallessons

beforeandafterandevenwhiledoingtheassigned exercises.Pleasebealerttolearnfromthem. Nooneknowswhatmeansareexpedientoreffectivefor teachingConstructiveLivingtoaparticularstudent. Frankly,wecan'tpredictwellatallwhichteachingdevices willproduceresultsforourstudents.Whattale,what assignment,whatmaxim,whatconceptwillnudgeorboot someoneintoamomentofgenuineunderstandingofthis practice?Sowesetouttheinformationcafeteriastyle, hopingyouwillselectwhatyouneedfromtheservings beforeyou.Herearesomeexperientialexercisesfromthe ConstructiveLivingcafeteria. Giveyourselfaway PatriciaRyanMadson,afacultymemberofStanford University,suggeststoherConstructiveLivingstudents thattheygiveawaysomethingeveryday.Anumberofother ConstructiveLivinginstructorsalsoworkonclearingaway thematerialoverloadwhichplaguestheirlivesbyoffering toothersitemswhichstillhaveausefullife. Adatinggame PatriciaRyanMadsonalsorecommendstoherstudents whoseektosocializemorethattheyinviteotherstogowith themtodoordinarychoressuchasshopping,laundry, washingthecar,andsoforth.Suchexpeditionsmustbe doneanywayanddon'tcarrytheformalityofadate.People

deservetobeinvitedwhethertheyaccepttheinvitationor not. Grouprewards GreggKrech,anotherConstructiveLivinginstructor,works notonlyonrewardingindividualsforgoodperformancebut onrewardinganentireworkgroupforachievingsome statedgoalthroughcooperativeeffort. Creditwhereitisdue GreggKrechalsosuggestsselectingyourfinest accomplishmentinlifeforreflectionanddiscoveringthe specificcontributionsofotherswhichallowedyouto accomplishthatfeat.Similarlyherecommendsthatyou considerthespecificsupportofotherswhenyouwereat yourlowestpointinlife. Admirationwhereitisdue AnotherofGreggKrech'sexercisesistowritethenameof thepersonyouadmiremost.Thenwritewhatyouadmire mostaboutthatperson.Youwillfindthatunderwhatever youfindadmirableaboutthatpersoniswhatheorshe does,theirbehavior.Whatmakespeopleadmirableiswhat theydo.Wemaymakeguessesaboutwhattheyfeel,but thoseguesses,too,arebasedonwhatweseethemdo.To becomeadmirablepeoplewemustdoadmirabledoings.

Settinggoals ProfessorIshuIshiyamaattheUniversityofBritish Columbia,offersthisassignmenttohisstudents:Comeup withalifegoalthenwritedownwhatyoucandointhenext fiveyearstohelpachievethatgoal.Thenwritedownwhat youcandothisyear,thismonth,thisweek,today. Encompasscriticism Makespecialefforttobeacceptingofcriticism.Findthe truthincriticism,thebeautifulsourcebeneathit.Don't allowyourselftobesodistractedbythehurtyoufeelorthe formthecriticismtakestomissthepositiveinformationit contains.TheTaoistapproachtowhatappearsatfirsttobe alieistodiscoverthetruthunderlyingthewords.For example,"Inevermakemistakes"maymean"Idread makingmistakes"or"Ifindithardtolookatmy imperfection."Takethesameapproachtocriticism.Morita offeredthisadviceaboutadvicethankthepersonwho offersit,butyouhavenoobligationtofollowit.Dothesame withcriticism. Chartingdailyactivities Wemaydistanceourselvesfromrealitywithwords.Wemay saytoourselvesandtoothersthatwehavenotimefor someimportantprojects.Wemaycomplainthatweseemto accomplishlittleornothinginoureverydaylives.Wemay holdthatlifeisboring,thatwearelazy,thatthereistoo muchtodoornotenoughtodo.

Thisdailychartingexerciseallowsyoutocheckonthe realityofyoureverydayactivities.Itoffersanobjective recordofwhatyouaredoingatfifteenminuteintervals duringtheday.AJapanesewomen'smagazinewithan associatednationwideorganization,encouragesits membershiptochartsuchaninventoryofdailyactivities. Themembersgraphhowtheyspendtheirtime(andhow muchmoneyisspentonwhatactivities).Itisanexercise wellworthatry.Youmayfindthatyouhavesubstantial periodsoftimeinbetweenotheractivities,timewhichcan beusedmoreeffectively. Theprocedureissimple.Makeatwentyfourhourchart withfifteenminuteintervalsmarkedandspaceforwriting abriefwordortwoaboutwhatyoudidduringeach interval.Wordslike"eating,""running,""sleeping," "watchingtelevision,""cooking,""reading,""lounging," "waxingcar,"andthelikearesufficient.Keepanongoing recordduringtheday;don'ttrytorecallthewholeday's activitiesbeforebedtime.However,youmayfindit impracticaltointerruptsomeactivitytochartit.Whenthe activityendscatchuponthecharting.Continuethedaily chartingforaweek. NewYearsDayactivity OnNewYearsdaytrywritingyourepitaph,obituary,and eulogyasyoumightwishthemtobeifyouweretodie duringtheyear.Theyshouldcontainanaccountofyourlife accomplishmentstodate,andyourplansforthecoming

year.Itisagoodwaytoremindyourselfofthelimitedtime withinwhichyoumustdowhatneedsdoing.Thesame exercisemightberepeatedonyourbirthdayandtheresults comparedeachyear.Theexerciseisnotaboutdeathitself, butaboutwhatyouwillaccomplishbeforedeath. Giveaparty 1.Makethethemeacleanupofthebeachoranearbypark. Thenproviderefreshmentsandentertainmentatthe cleanedupsite. 2.Inviteyourfriendstoaquiltingbeeorsomemodern equivalentduringwhichyoumakesomethingtogiveaway tothehomeless,anursinghome,amentalinstitution,an orphanage.Checkwithpeoplewhohaveeverydaycontact withtheseinstitutionsforanappropriatepartypurpose. 3.Throwagardeningpartyforaconvalescingornew neighbor.Invitefriendstoweedthegardenandshrubsand tomowthelawn.Thenhaveabarbecue. Goingplaces Pickanoccasionsuchasyourbirthdayoranniversaryor holidayforthisexercise.Writedownwhereyouexpecttobe andwhatyouexpecttobedoingsixmonthslaterandone yearlater.Writedownsomeofthebehavioralstepsyou musttaketoachievethosegoals.Thenputawaythese notesinasafeplacewithinstructionstoopenthemthe sametimenextyear.Checkonhowwellyoudid.What goalswereachieved?Whatstepswentunaccomplished?

Thenwriteyourexpectationsforthefollowingyearand repeattheprocess. Wedothisexerciseasafamilyprojectatmysister'shome atChristmas.Weopenlastyear'sfoldedsheetsandread aloudourexpectations.Thereissometimeslaughteraswe comparewhatweexpectedwithcurrentreality. Reminders Onadozennoteswritethequestion"Whatismypurpose now?"Posttheminvariousplaceswhereyouareaptto noticethemduringtheday(e.g.,onthephone,the calendar,adoorknob,afilecabinet,therefrigerator,the television)Asyoucomeacrossthenotesconsiderwhether youaredoingwhatisnecessarytoaccomplishyour purpose.(SuggestedbyDanielHoppe) Garbagethanks Writealettertothecompanywhichcollectsyourtrash praisingitstrashcollectorsforsomespecificservicethey haveprovidedyousuchastakingthetrashcansoutofthe enclosurewhenyouforgottosetthembythecurb.(Also suggestedbyDanielHoppe) ScrambledActs Scrambletheorderinwhichyouwashyourselfinthe shower,performyourmorningtoilet,eatbreakfast,prepare forbed.Theneworderwillrequireattention.(Also suggestedbyDanielHoppe)

Imperfection Withintenminuteswritedownthirtyofyour accomplishments,greatorsmall,fromanythingassimple aseatingasandwichtocompletingacollegedegree.Puta checkbythosethingsyoudidperfectly.Noticehowmanyof youraccomplishmentshavebeenachievedeventhoughyou didthemimperfectly,eventhoughyoumayconsider yourselfaperfectionist.(SuggestedbyRoseAnderson) Reciprocity Doasecretservice(aservice,howeversmall,tosomeone withouttheirknowingyoudiditforthem)forthethird(or fourthorfifth)personwhodoessomethingforyouafteryou putdownthisbook.(AdaptedfromasuggestionbyGregg Krech) Takeahike Itwilltakequiteafewstepstoworkoffthecaloriesina biteofpastry.Whynotstartwalkingevenbeforeyoutakea bite?FredPaternosuggestsmovingyourfeetasthough alreadyonyourwalkinsteadoftakingthatbite.Bythe timehegetstoaboutsixtypacesFredfindshisenthusiasm foreatingpastrieshasdiminished. Keepingtrack Aconvenientwayforkeepingtrackofwhetheryougotin yourminimumtenthankyou'severydayissuggestedby

GreggKrech.Puttenpebblesorcoinsinyourleftpocket andwitheachthankyoutransferonetoyourrightpocket. Gettingittogether CheckoutyourunderstandingofConstructiveLivingby preparingafifteenminutespeechaboutConstructive Livingtobepresentedtoaspecifiedaudienceofyour choice.(AdaptedfromasuggestionbyBarbaraSarah) Comparativeservice Offertwoactsofserviceonewhenfeelinggratefulto someoneandtheotherwhenfeelingnogratitudetoward thatperson.Howaretheactsdifferent?(Suggestedby BarbaraSarah) Clearseparation Repeatthefollowingsentenceseveraltimes:"David Reynolds(thenameofaConstructiveLivinginstructoror anyadvisormaybesubstitutedhere)issometimesstupid, sometimeswrong."Ifyounoticeresistancetosayingthese wordsyoumisunderstandConstructiveLiving.Ifyousay themwithsomeglee,domoreConstructiveLiving reflection.Ifyourepeatedthesentencesinamatteroffact waywithasenseof"ofcourse"thenitislikelythatyou haveproperlyseparatedtheConstructiveLivinglifeway(or advice)fromtheadvisor.

NoSmallMatter Thetrickledowneffect ConstructiveLivingtricklesdownintothesmallestdetailof dailylife.Studentsarelikelytofindthemselvesturningoff lightswhennotinuse,usingheaterslessduringthenight, noticingtheeffortsofothersthatgointotheirdailybath. Theynoticethattheyarecleaningandpolishingtheirshoes regularly,brushingtheirteethmorecarefully,considering theirpets'needsmore,appreciatingtheirfoodmore,giving toothersnotbecausetheyhavebecomedifferentfromthem butbecausetheyseehowmuchlikethemtheyare, becomingawareofthe"aliveness"offoodandmachinesand furnitureandwaterandenergyofallsorts. Infact,onlywhenithasbeguntotrickledownintothe smallcrevicesofdailythoughtsandactivitiescan ConstructiveLivingreallybesaidtohavetakenholdin one'slife.Grandinsightanddeepenedunderstandingare butmomentaryphenomena.Ourexistenceisconstructed onthebedrockofmomentbymomentliving. Rubbish Attentiontothedetailofwhatwedohelpssharpenour mindsandrefineourlives.Isometimesadvisemystudents tomaketheirtrashbeautiful.Whenyouunwrapthepaper fromyourhamburgerwhatdoyoudowiththepaper?When youremovechopsticksfromtheirpaperwrapperdoyou wadupthewrapperandleavetheunsightlythingonthe

table?Howdoesyourtrashlooksittinginfrontofyour houseorapartmentbuilding?Howaboutthewaste receptaclesinyourhome? Twentyyearsago,asIfirstwalkedtheresidentialareasof Tokyo,Iwasstruckbytheneatnessofthetrashsetoutfor collection.Muchofthegarbagewaswrappedneatlyand tiedwithribbons,lookingmorelikesomethingtobegiven asChristmaspresentsthanlikesomethingtobe abandoned.Eventoday,asJapanesefinishtheirbox lunchesonthetrains,theyneatlytieuptheemptyboxesin thepaperwrappinganddeposittidybundlesintothetrash. SomeJapanesefoldthepaperchopstickwrapperstomake afunctionalstandtolaythechopsticksonwhennotusing them.Almosteveryonecanfoldthewrapperintoa flattenedformofhalfknotthatisverypresentableand decorative. Sowhat?Whocares?Trashistrash,isn'tit?Onceitis pickedupandoutofsighttheproblemofunsightliness disappears,doesn'tit?Maybenot.Ifwetakeseriouslyan attitudeofappreciationforconcreteservicesfromourworld thenwrappersandbagsandrubberbandsandstaplesand thelikedeservesomeappreciation,aswell.Whatisnow trashwasonceourservant.Itdeservesrespectful treatment.Soundstrange?Iwonder. Rubbish,too,meritsourconcernedattention.

Walking TowatchaZenmasteroraKabukiactororaclassical Japanesedancerwalkistowatchalessonaboutliving.The stepispurposeful;thefeetareplacedonebeforetheother withattention;balanceismaintainedthroughoutthe stride.Walkingbecomesmorethanmerelygettingfromone placetoanother.Thistakenforgrantedmeansof locomotionbecomesanexerciseofattentionandcharacter development. Ittakesnogreatskilltomakesomeeducatedguessesabout peoplebywatchingthewaytheywalk.Therearemincers andswaggerersandprancersandtotterers.Buttheway onewalksneednotbemerelyanindicationofone's characterandphysicalcondition,itcanbeadeterminerof characterandphysicalcondition.Useyourwalktodevelop purpose,confidence,awareness,andhealth.Attendto walkingwell. Walkingismorethangettingfromheretothere. Coffee Coffeeorteaorplainhotwaterarewarming,soothing, stimulating.Preparingandservingahotdrinkcanbe automaticorengrossing,sloppyorartistic,character erodingorcharacterbuilding. MorethanonceI'vedrawnattentiontotheJapanesetea ceremony.Theceremonyissimplythepreparationand servinganddrinkingofabitterformofgreentea.How

mundane!Yethowexquisite!Theteaceremonyisexquisite becausethemovementsandattitudeshavebeenrefined overgenerationsandoveryearsofpracticebyskilled participantssothateverymovementischoreographedfor simplicityandgrace. Howdoyouprepareandpouryourcoffee?Howdoyou measureoutsugarandcream?Howdoyoustir?Howdo youraisethecuptoyourlips?Haveyouconsideredthe behaviorsandattitudeswithwhichyouparticipateinthe simpleceremonyofcoffeedrinking?Fromthemomentof decidingtodrink,throughheatingthewaterandtaking thecupfromthecupboard,untilthecupiswashedandput away,thereismuchtofillattention.Whencarriedout properly,drinkingacupofcoffeeisnosmallthing. EtCetera Thereisnoneedtodetailtheimportantelementsof makingabed,writingaletter,dusting,dictatingamemo, washingone'shands,brushingone'steeth,carryinggrocery bagsfromthegaragetothehouse,hangingupclothes,and thelike.Eachactivitycarriesitsownimportance.Each offerstheopportunitytobuildcharacter.Wemustbe carefultoengageinattentivelyputtingawaythegroceries becausetheydeservebeingputawayinthatfashion.Ifwe trytoputawaythegroceriescarefullywiththesole purposeofimprovingourselvesweruntheriskoflosing sightofthemoreimportantreality,therealitythatthe

groceriesneedtobeputaway.Thefocusneedstobeonthe groceries,notonourselves. Thebyproduct,then,ofthisaestheticandpurposeful actionisthecreationofanaestheticandpurposefulself. Again,attentiontothesesmalltasksisnosmallmatter. X.ConstructiveLivingQuotesfromtheWaterBooks BOOKONE:PlayingBallOnRunningWater "Thinkofeverynowasimportant,everyactasrichwith meaning.Everyactprovidesanopportunityfor accomplishmentandgrowth:pouringacupofcoffeeor scrubbingabathroomorsettinganalarmorwritinga thankyounote. "Itisquiteareliefwhenwerealizewearenotresponsible forourfeelings.Theyareuncontrollable;theyarenatural; theyneedonlybeacceptedastheyare.However,wemust takeclearresponsibilityforwhatwedoandholdothers responsibleforwhattheydo. Allweworkwithistheflowofawarenessthatismeinthis moment,themenow.Noticethevarietythatisyou. Thereissomethingbetterthanaplacidlifewithout conflicts.Thatsomethingistakingcommandofwhatwe aredoingnomatterhowwearefeeling. Lifemustbelivedmomentbymoment.Eachmoment bringspossibilitiesforpurposefulactivity.Whenour attentionisalerttotherealitythismomentbringsandwe

fitourselvestoitbydoingwhatneedstobedone,weare livingfully. Iwantmystudentstotranscendtheiremotions,to appreciateandacknowledgetheirfeelings,buttobeno longergovernedbythem,nolongerfetteredbythem. Acceptanceofrealityimpliespayingattentiontoit.Accept feelingsastheyareandgetonwithdoingwhatneedstobe doneinthecurrentsituation. Thismomentandthisrealityareallthatispresentedtous forouraction.Responsibilitymeanstheabilitytorespond, tobealive.TheGreeksrealizedthatwecan'tstepinthe samerivertwice.Therealityofourexperienceisin constantflux. Actionbringsaparticularsortofknowledgeinwhichthe responseofoursurroundingactsastheteacher.Pay attentiontoyoursurroundings.Noticingtheworld increasesyoursensitivitytowhatneedstobedoneinthe moment. Thekeystoconstructiveconversationareattentive listeningandcarefulspeaking.Byourcarefullisteningwe caninfluencethosearoundustochoosemorecarefullythe wordgiftstheyofferusinspeech. Walkingandpayingattentiontowhatoneencountersisa greathelptomanydepressedpeople;theyneedthe movementandstimulusinputtobreakintothecycleof negativethinkingandactivity.

Youmustnoticewhatrealityisbringingyouinorderto knowwhatneedstobedone. Theworldaboutmerespondstomybehavior.ItiswhatIdo thataffectsmyworld.Thedoingiswhatisimportant,not theresult.Behavioriswhatcounts.Notemotion.Noteven theresultsofbehavior.WhatIdoistheonlythinginlife thatIcancontrol. Allactivitiesshouldbecarriedoutwiththeclearfocusand scrupulouscaretheydeserve.Allwehaveisthatflowof attention. Weseektounderstandandcondoneanyfeelingatall. Thereisnothingwrongwithfeelings.Theyarenotacts.We alsoseektounderstandbutrefusetocondoneanyharmful behaviorsnomattertheconfusedandpowerfulfeelings thatliebehindthem. Meditationisatherapeutictooltoachieveastillingofthe mindinordertoallowsubsequentattentiontoreality. Itisthequalityofthedoinginwhichwetakepride.Taking prideinsomethingisthequalityoftheact. Emotionsshouldneverbeignoredordenied.Theyprovide informationaboutwhatneedstobedone.Theyareworthy ofbeingfeltevenwhentheyarepainful. Acceptanceofthewaythingsareisalwaysthefirststepin changingthings.Acceptancedoesnotequalpassivity. Inactivitydoesnotequalacceptance.

Freedomispossiblewhenlimitsarerecognized,self disciplinedeveloped,andwhenimmediatecircumstanceis usedwithfullattention. Lifepresentsthousandsandthousandsofminisuccesses andminifailureseachday.Allweworkwithistheflowof awarenessthatismeinthismoment.Reliefisonlya microsecondawaywhenattentionshiftsfromyourselfand yoursuffering.Feelinggoodallthetimeisn'tpossible. Observationhelpsustobeawareofwhatrealityisbringing ustodoineachmoment. Lifetakesonspecialmeaningwhenwegoaboutlivingit attentively.Life'srichnessistobefoundinlivingit,notin solelythinkingortalkingaboutit. Feelingsareforfeeling.Feelingsarechangeablelikethe Japanesesky,sometimescloudysometimessunny.Sobuild yourlifeonwhatiscontrollable;buildyourlifeonwhatyou do. BOOKTWO:EveninSummertheIceDoesn'tMelt ConstructiveLivingisawaytoapproachinglifewith attentiontowhatiscontrollableandwhatisnot.The steadinessoflife,thesenseofcontrolinlifemustcome fromourbehavior,fromwhatwedo. Theheroicvisionisthepossibilityoflivingresponsiblyin spiteofinconvenienceandtragedies.Selfcontrolisour heroicpractice.Thereinliesourfreedom.

Everymomentisafreshone.Thispresentmomentreveals itselftomefreshandunclutteredbythepast. Whenwerecognizetheessentialnaturalnessandinnocence offeelings,wecangoonaboutlife;simplyacknowledge theirexistenceasweacknowledgeafoggymorning. Wearecontinuallycreatingourownhistories.WhatIdo nowwillbefiledawayintomorrow'spast.Wehavethe abilitytocreateanewpastbychangingwhatwedonow. Wearewhatwedo.Soemphasisisonchangingand expandingthedoinginordertochangewhoweare.Partof beingamatureadultistakingcareofbusinessevenwhen notinthemood. Regretforwhatmighthavebeeninthepastmerely distractsusfromdoingwellinthepresent.Acceptthepast; getonwithconstructiveactionrightnow. Partofthelowselfesteemofourstudentscomesfrom failuretoliveuptotheirownstandards;theyaretensein partbecauseoftheirawarenessoftheirown irresponsibility. Truefailurecomesfromnotdoingwhatweknowneeds doing. Ifourlivesaretomeltintorealitytheymustdosointhis noworinthisnoworthisnow.Fornowisallwehavewith whichtowork.Inrealitythereisnopastandthereisno future.Thereisjustnow. Securityjustisn'tworththeboredom.Seekingsecurity aloneleadstoanarrowerandnarrowerexistence.An

interestinglife,achallenginglifeinevitablyinvolveseffort andrisk. Thesensiblepersondoesn'twastetimeandenergytryingto controlfeelingsdirectlybecausetheycan'tbemanipulated directlybythewill. Partofourdistresscomesfromselfcenterednessorself focusthatturnsourattentioninward.Wecanlose ourselvesinsurroundings,companions,observationsofthe evershiftingworldandbecomefluidagain. Wecan'tcontrolwhatrealitybrings.Wecan'tcontrolwhat ourfeelingsare.Butwecantakeactivecontrolofwhatwe doinresponsetowhatrealitybrings. Thepastdoesn'tdeterminewhatwedonow.Wedetermine whatthepastwillbecomebywhatwedonow. Alcoholismhascometobelabeledanillness.Itisalltoo easytosidestepourresponsibilityforwhatwedoby labelingourproblemsanillness,amedicalproblem. Ifthesituationalsettingsdon'tchangemuch,wemust changeourselvesinthesettings.Wechangewhoweareby changingwhatwedo. Focusedattentionisahabitthatisdevelopedasanyskills developedbypracticeandrepetition. Themoreweexpressfeelings(talkaboutthem,complain aboutthem)themorewestimulatethemandthestronger theybecome.

Themostimportantthingintheworldiswhatapersonis doingatthismoment.Doingthingsinanalertmindstate willinsurethatlightswitchesareturnedoffandthatwhat shouldbedonegetsdone. Constructiveactivityispossibledespitetheupsanddowns infeelings.Theemphasisisonthequalityofthedoingnot ontheexpectedresults. Inbreakingthroughthefrozenlifestyleofourpastitis necessarytobeconstantlyattentive.Developingcontrol overourattentionisvitalforturningpotentialintogenuine success.Awarenessofourcircumstanceshelpsusseewhat needsdoing,inspiresaction. BOOKTHREE:WaterBearsNoScars Tryingtosatisfyourdesiresinnegativeordestructiveways onlyleadstomoreunpleasantfeelings(suchasguiltand remorse);whichtellsusthatdestructivepathsare unsatisfying. Positivebehaviortendstoproduceandtoreinforcepleasant feelings.Converselynegativebehaviortendstoproduceand reinforceunpleasantfeelings. Themorewetrytogetridofupsettingfeelingsdirectly,the moreattentionwepaytothem,themoretheyintensify. Whatwecannotchangewemustlivewithaswegoabout accomplishingourpurposes.Specialstrengthcomesfrom enduringunchangeablecircumstanceswhileholdingto one'spurposes.

ThepassiveelementofacceptanceinConstructiveLiving involvesgivinguptryingtochangeone'simmediatefeelings inanydirectwayandavoidingextendedfantasiesofwhat mighthavebeenandwhatoughttobe. TheactiveelementofacceptanceinConstructiveLiving involvesconstructiveactionbasedontherealitythat presentsitselftous. Tochangeourviewofourselves,wemustchangeourpast. Wedevelopourselfimagebylookingatwhatwehavedone inthepast.Sincewecannotchangethepastdirectly,one pathistocreateanewpastbychangingwhatwedonow. Ofteninlifewehavenodirectcontrolovertheoutcomesof majoreventsinourlives.Butlifecontinuestopresenttous smallevents,chancestocontrolthewayweturnonaradio, chancestoreachgracefullyforthesoapintheshower.Each ofthesesmalleventsgivesustheopportunitytodevelop ourattentionandcharacterinfinitesimally. Preparingforaprojectmaynotbeasintimidatingas actuallysettingtoworkonit.Preparationtendstoslideone intothetaskitself. Despitethefluxoffeelingsandheadtrippingwecanreach thehavenofdisciplinedbehavior.Wecreatesomestability, order,anddirectionthroughpurposefulbehavior. Oneoftheexerciseswesuggestistolookupsomeonewe normallyavoid,engagehimorherinconversationand uncoversomeinterestingsideofthatperson.Thereisatale inthatpersonthatisdeservingofourearsandourtime.

Thedistortedordercreatedbysaying:Mypastisflawedin suchandsuchaway',Lifewillalwaysbringmethesekinds ofproblems',Thereisnofutureforsomeonelikeme',isa fictitiousorganizationofrealitycreatedbythemind. Arushingstreamofwaterflowsaroundtheobstaclesthat standintheway.Itdoesn'tstoptodwellontheinjuries sustainedbyaprojectingrockorasubmergedlog.Itkeeps movingtowarditsgoal,encounteringeachdifficultyasit appears,respondingactively,thenmovingalong downstream.Thewaterbearsnoscars. Thesatisfactionofgivingtosomeoneelsewhileoneis sufferingwithoutmentioningawordaboutone'splight deepenscharacter. Allfeelingsarenatural.Theyareonlyproblemswhenwe allowthemtohinderwhatwedo.Theybecomeproblems whenwetrytostrugglewiththemandtrytocontrolthem withourwill. Acceptancemeansrecognizingwhatis.Whenwedo everythingwecanandthechangeswewantdon'tappear, thatrealitymustbeacceptedtoo.Fatalismisfarfrom acceptance. Whenacceptingfeelingsisnatural,whendoingwhatneeds doingistheonlythingoneconsidersmomentbymoment, thenonehasgraduated. Thereissomuchreliefwhenwelearntoacceptwhatis allofwhatisandgetonwithactingonittomake constructivechanges.

Mostofusknowwhatneedstobedonemostofthetime. Toomanyofushavedevelopedintellectualizing,fantasizing skillsthatdistractusfromwhatweknowneedsdoing. Whilefearful,whileworried,wemustbendlikewindblown willowsbutkeepourselvesfirmlyrootedinourongoing activities.Wemustcontinueourdoingwithouttakinga breaktojoustwithourfeelings. Thehumanmindneedstomoveabouttorefreshitself.Its naturalstateistobeconstantlyonthemovewithasortof lightalertness. Viewingouremotionsasnaturalcompanionsneithergood norbad,neithertobeeliminatednortobeobsessively encouragedcapableofprovidinguswithinformationand flavorinourworld,isthekeytolivingconstructivelyand sensibly. Acceptanceisgivingupontryingtochangeone's immediatefeelings.Theattitudeisoneofnoticingthe feelingsandfantasiesbuttakingahandsoff'stancetoward them. Anyobsession,whetherwithsuccessorloveorcontrolor moneyorfameorpowerorahobbyoracarorapromotion orafamilydistractsusfromreality.Fixationnarrowsour attentionandturnsusawayfromlivingfully. Nooneviewsrealitywithtotalobjectivity.Aswe accumulateconstructivelifeexperiences,mountainslook morelikemountainsandwaterslooklikewaters.

Weareadvisedtoobserveourneuroticmomentswitha child'swonderandaresearcher'seye.Althoughtheylie withus,theobservationsetsthemapartwebecome observersmorethanvictims. Summerishot.Winteriscold.Joyispleasant.Sorrowis unpleasant.Thereisnothingtobedoneabouttheseaspects ofrealityexcepttoacknowledgethemandlivewithintheir bounds. Ourbodiesseethatwegetenoughrestandsleep.Thebest breakinvolveschangingfromoneactivitytoanother,not stoppingfromactivityaltogether. Studentsfailtoseewhatrealityhasbroughtthemtodo. Theyfailtodevelopaloveforreality.Ifyourroomisuntidy, straightenit.Ifyourfriendneedsawordofencouragement, speakup. BOOKFOUR:PoolsofLodgingfortheMoon Wecanaccomplishmuchofwhatneedstobedoneinour livesevenwhenourfeelingsarejumpingaboutoutsideour directcontrol. Emotions(pleasantandunpleasant)nevercontinueattheir peakintensityforverylong.Astheywaxandwaneitis wisertobuildlifeonsteady,constructivebehavior. Icedoesn'tmeltatmywhim.Insuchcaseswhatelseis theretodobutshiverandgoonaboutliving. Istherenothingtrustworthythen?Yes,thereissomething wecandependupon.Itisthedoingitself.Thatiswhatwe

canrelyon.Wecantrustproperactiontoproduceproper character. Whilefeelingdepressed,shave.Feeldespairbuttakeout thetrash.Walkthedepthsofhopelessnessbutprepareand showupforthejobinterview. Whenwefocusexclusivelyonourobsessionswecannotsee therealityaroundus,wecannotseewhatproperlyneedsto bedoneeachmoment.Obsessionnarrowsthethinkingand separatesthepersonfromreality. Climbingoverandaroundboulders,leapingchasms, fordingrivers,andsomedusty,sweaty,insectbitten distressarepartofthejourneytowardselfdevelopment. Whiletheshiftingwindsofemotionwhistlethroughour lives,wecananchorourselvessolidlybydoingwellwhat needstobedone. Thesubtlealterationofattentionwhichallowsustocatch ourmindstryingtoconusorrunalongunconstructive habitualrutsisbeingontheWay. Itisimportanttobuildlifeonourdeeds.Theoutcomes don'tnecessarilyturnoutaswehopeorexpect,butthe doingofourliveswillgeneratecharacter. Firewoodneverbecomesashes.Mychildhood,adulthood, andoldageareunrelated. Nojourney,onlysteps.Weinventthejourney.Onlythe stepsarereal.

Wemayfindtemporaryrelieffromawarenessofourdesires bydistractingourselvesinonewayoranother.However,the desireswillemergeagainandagainbecausetheyare fundamentalnaturalaspectsofourbiological,psychological andsocialselves. Wingjunkiesandstablesweepersaren'tthesameatall. StablesweepersnolongerneedtorideSatori.Ifthehorse wandersthroughtheirstables,they'llclimbaboardof course.Butthereisgreatsatisfactioninkeepingthe stablesshipshape. ConstructiveLivingrecommendsacceptingfeelingswithout tryingtheimpossibletaskofovercomingthem,andgoing aboutdoingwhatneedstobedone.Feelingsfadeovertime unlessrestimulated. Thewaywedevelopaninterestinworkisbyactingon work.Wemustbecarefulabouttheactivitiesweengagein. Ourinterestsfollowalonginthedirectionofouractivities. Ifyouthinkthatwhatyourareabouttocleantodaywill onlybedirtyagaintomorrow,youwillnevergetanything done.Today'sworktoday. Changeincharacterbeginswithmomentbymoment changesinbehavior.Thereisnoneedtofixfeelingsand attitudesfirst. Thewayweliveinspiteofourpainisameasureofour character.Nooneescapestheoccasionalwinterstorm.By becomingactioncenteredratherthanfeelingcenteredwe cankeepreasonablywarmduringchillydays.

BOOKFIVE:AThousandWaves Feelingsareanaturalconsequenceofwhoweareandthe situationswearein;justlikecloudsarenatural consequencesoftemperaturesandpressuresandhumidity. Feelingsarenaturalandnaturallytheyarejustas uncontrollableastheweather.Thewaytohandle unpleasantfeelingsistorecognizethem,toacceptthem andgoonaboutdoingwhatyouneedtodo.Intime unpleasantfeelingspassjustlikesnowstorms. Thereisacleardistinctionbetweenfeelingsandbehavior. Feelingsarenaturalphenomena,uncontrollabledirectlyby ourwill;theycomeandgoliketheweather.Behavioris controllable. Weareresponsibleforwhatwedo,ourbehavior,nomatter whatwearefeeling.Behavioriscontrollablebyourwill,so weareresponsibleforthataspectofourlivesallthetime. Nooneishappyorconfidentorfeelinggoodaboutanything allthetime.Feelingskeepchangingliketheskykeeps changing.Whateveristroublingus,weneedtoacceptthe troubledfeelingsandgetonaboutliving. Thestrongerwedesiresomethingthegreaterouranxiety aboutfailure.Worriesandfearsareremindersofthe strengthofourpositivedesires.Ouranxietiesare indispensableforusinspiteoftheirdiscomfort. Advancedstudentsacceptthemselvesaspartofthenatural situationinwhichtheyareembedded.Theytakeontheir identitiesfromthesituationsinwhichtheyfind

themselves.Lossofselfcenterednessistheultimategoalof advancedstudents. Beingclearaboutwhatispossibleandwhatisimpossible helpsusavoidwastingattentionandenergy;webecome wiserabouttheproperdirectionsinwhichtoinvestour efforts. Allfeelingsarethenaturalresultofourlifesituations. Acceptanceputsemotionsinperspective.Theyoccur,we recognizethem,andwegoaboutdoingwhatisnecessaryto doinourlives. Youcan'tcontrolyourfeelingsdirectlybyyourwill,butyou canactconstructivelyinspiteofthem.Thewonderful fringebenefitofactingconstructivelyisthatfeelings usuallysettledownasyouaccomplishyourtasks. Absolutesecurityisimpossibleinthisworld.Securitycan onlyexistnow.Todoverywell,withfullattention,what liesbeforemenowismyonlychanceforguaranteed success.Mydiligenteffortsnowaresuccess. Whenwebegintoseeeverymomentasafreshone,when weseeourselveschangingmomentbymoment,makinga mistakebecomeslessworrisome.Realitykeepsgivingme freshstarts,freshchancestomakethefirstsuccessorfirst failureinthisnewlifemoment. Somemistakesareareflectionofalackofgratitude. Unfoldedpajamas,unshinnedshoes,anunmadebed, unwasheddishesorclothesareexamplesofingratitude.

Theyaremistakes,moreimportantmistakesthanmay appearonthesurface. ConstructiveLivingrequiresustovieweveryactashaving moralimplications.Thesmallestactcarriesimplications aboutthedevelopmentofourcharacterforgoodorevil. TalkisunlikelytoprovidemuchhelptotheConstructive Livingstudent.Progresswillcomethroughthestudent's diligentpracticeofassignmentsandexercises.Behavior willresultinexperientialunderstandingandlifechange. Wemovetowardfreedomacrossthebridgeofselfdiscipline overtheriveroffeelings. Characterisbuiltonhabits;habitsarebuiltoneach moment'sbehavior. Nosingleeventorexperiencedetermineswhoweare. BOOKSIX:ThirstySwimmingintheLake Wearetrulyourselvesonlywhenweact.Wedefinewhowe arebywhatwedo.Thelocusofcontrolinourlivesliesin ourbehavior. Feelingsareanaturalpartofrealityandmustbeaccepted withoutdirectstruggle. Whenwehavebehavedourselvesintodestructivehabitswe mustbehaveourselvesoutofthem. Itiseasiertoponderthemeaningoflifethantofoldtowels neatlyoverandoveragain.

Ifthereistobereligion,itmustbewoventhrougheveryday experience.IfyouaresearchingforGodyoumustfindthat Beingwithinyourstreamofawareness. Ourownmiseryandselfcenterednessinterferewithour abilitytoseeourparents'andothers'effortsinourbehalf. Potentialisn'tworthanythinguntilitisproperlydeveloped througheducation,selfdisciplineandhardwork. Thereisavoicethatpromptsustochangetomoredifficult workwhenwehavemasteredatask,whenwearedoing ourbestatworkthatislessthantheworkofwhichweare capable. Feelingsarenatural.Thismoment'sfeelingsfitthis moment'smereality;theyareanaturalelementinthis now. Obsessionboilsdownrealitytorigidbitesizechunksthat arenolongerreality. Recognizingandunderstandingourtendenciesdoesn't excusethem.Insightandunderstanding,likepotential,are cheap. Suggestionreducesthestudent'sabilitytomakehis/her ownjudgments.Suggestionnarrowsthestudent'sfocus Thereisnosteadyclimboutofharmfulhabits.Temporary setbacksandunexpectedchallengesarecommon.Hello anxiety.Youagain?Comeonalong,butI'mbusynow.

BOOKSEVEN:RainbowRisingfromaStream Behavioriscontrollablebyourwillregardlessofour feelings.Feelingsarenotacceptableexcusesfordoingornot doingsomething. Doingwhatneedstobedoneisaboutthenatural,proper, fittingresponsetowhatspringsfromone'senvironment. ConstructiveLivingholdstherearenopreconditionsfor constructiveactivity.Justdoit.Thereisnoneedtofixthe mind.Dowhatisright(fitting,suitabletothesituation) andthemindwilltakecareofitself. Noamountofskillwillremoveouremotionalreactionsto disturbingstimuli.Emotionsarethenaturalproductsof thecontextsofourlives,areourverylivesinsome moments. Theobjectiontoalcoholandotherdrugsisthatthey interferewithourperceptionofreality.Anotherdangerof thesechemicalpursuitsofunrealityisthattheyencourage feelingcenteredness. Realitycannotbedividedintospiritualandnonspiritual. Itisallsacred.Itisallholy.Whydoweencouragemindful, attentiveaction?Theanswerissimple:Holyactivitiesneed toberecognizedassuch. Nowhereisholierthananywhereelse.Itisallholythe shoelaces,thetemples,thecricket,thecarsallofit. Whenyoucan'tdoanythingtochangethecircumstances, thenyouacceptthecircumstancesandgetonwithdoing

whatcanbedoneinyourlife.Justdoingwellwhatreality sendstobedoneissufficient. Fearcomplementscourage.Thereisnocouragewithout fear.Wecandocourageevenwhileafraid. Inordertoderivefullbenefitfromafeelingitmustbe accepted,incorporatedintothemomentarylifeexperience. Feelingsanyfeelingareforfeeling. Wetakeonsomeofthecharacteristicswiththingsand personswithwhomweinteract.Weneedtochoosewhatwe attendtowisely.Thebooksweread,theTVshowswe watchalsoinfluenceourlives.Webecomelikethem. Toomanyofussearchsodesperatelyforsomeexcusefor avoidingresponsibilityinourlivesthatweprobefor childhoodabuseandneglectandignorecountlessactsof diaperchanging,mealpreparations,ridestoschool. Convictedcriminalsshouldfacetheresultsoftheircrimes daily.Ratherthansearchingforthecausalrootsofbehavior inerrorsoffamilyandsociety,prisonersshouldlookat theirownresponsibilityforspecifictroublecaused individualsbytheircriminaldeeds. ConstructiveLivingrecommendsnoticingand acknowledgingfeelingswhentheyappearbutnotdigging aroundforfeelingssomeoneelsetellsusmustbethere. Behaviorwagsthetailoffeelings.Ouractionsinfluence howwethinkandfeel.Weuseouractionstoprovidethe steadygroundworkforbuildingourlives.

Experientialknowledgemaygiveustheabilitytodowhat needsdoinginemotionalsituations,butitdoesn'teliminate theemotions.Noamountofskillwillremoveouremotional reactionstodisturbingorexcitingstimuli. Itisthesenseofwonderaboutordinarylifethat characterizesthestudentofConstructiveLiving. ConstructiveLivingwon'tmakeyouoptimistic;itdoesn't needtodoso.Justdoingwhatrealitysendstobedoneis sufficient. Whatcannotbechangedmustbeaccepted.Denialand obsessingontheunfairnessofitallsimplyworktomake moremisery.Allright.HereIam.Idon'tlikeit.Ithurts. Butthat'sthewayitisrightnow.Whatneedsdoing? Livingfullynow(inspiteofdoubtsandfearsaboutthe future,inspiteofregretsandsorrowsfromthepast)isthe onlyprospectforus.Anditiswonderfullysatisfactoryand sufficient. Wecanrespondtoamistakewiththeemotionladen reaction:Ohno!Failedagain!Orwecanrespondwith attentiontothenatureofthenewsituationpresentedby ourmistakeandwhatneedstobedoneaboutit. Noonehasanyideawhyanyonedoesanything.Ourability topresentorexplainindividualbehavioriseffectivelynil. Peoplearecomplexandchanging. Thepressureisoff;wenolongerneedtotrytoattain perfectionintheeyesofotherstoreceivetheirsupportwe

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