Pink Slipby Matthew RoenHello Employee Number 37.8911115-HFI hope that this message finds you well.I regret to inform you, that despite your diligent performance in the fiscal trials thus far,your name was brought-up in the adjudication committee meeting this morning, and you havebeen selected for elimination. I am required, by Company policy, to inform you of your rights andprivileges, and of which rights and privileges are no longer yours to claim. Please note: you mayno longer un-volunteer from the elimination bracketing system. You may no longer exit thebuilding alive.It is vitally important that you bequeath your assigned office equipment to your protege-
counterpart before shift’s end. If you fail to properly accomplish this with 100% compliance, you
will receive no benefits, nor will your your final paycheck be awarded to your next-of-kin. Your benefits are enumerated below:1 You may place exactly one (1) courtesy call to an extension off of Company campus,totalling a maximum of three (3) seconds in duration.2
You may take the elevator directly to “ARMS” and select one (1) weapon of DRONE
gauge, or lower. The usability lease will only expire when you do.3 You may select one (1) source of on-campus information, not including: your protege-counterpart, your superior, the Company computer, or your next-of-kin, as a source of inspiration or advice du
ring the “brainstorm” phase of the elimination bracketing system.
The brainstorm phase of the elimination bracketing system has now begun. Your responsibilities are enumerated below:1 You must not disturb the other tenants of your office environment. Even though you mayhave been disturbed by an eliminated employee yourself, it is not a privilege that willresult in your prolonged employment.2 Your prolonged employment is yours to maintain. If another eliminated employeeterminates your employment, your own
, and your weapon’s usability leases will expire.
3 Your 100% compliance with this message, and any future messages will result infavorable earnings, pending the duration of your employment during the eliminationbracketing system.4 It is your right to defend yourself against the other eliminated employees - however, inkeeping with the Human Rights Act of 3032, we ask that you please refer to them as
having been “Let Go”, rather than “eliminated.”
I have enjoyed orienting you to the Company environment. Good luck with your continued employment.