DIZZY

By Nyrae Dawn & Jolene Perry

Nyraes Dedication: To Jolene I hope its not silly to dedicate a book to you that you co-wrote, but no one else feels right for our book. I had such a blast writing DIZZY with you. Youre hilarious and I have so much fun playing off each of your Ziah chapters. Thanks for writing Dylans perfect match and for being my friend.

Jolenes Dedication: To Nyrae I hope its not silly to play copycat and dedicate it right back to you, but Im gonna do it anyway. I love that you mentioned collaboration, and two months (or less) later, we had this book. Been SUCH a fun ride, and I love that I can show up on your doorstep and crash on your couch, and that most of the best books Ive read have been because of you. Also. NO one else could have written Dylan, and done this story justice, or written some of my favorite lines EVER.

One ~Dylan~

Dad picked the perfect time to go out of town. Of course, I know he chooses this night on purpose. Every year since Moms been gone, hes bailed on the anniversary. It works for me though. What am I saying? It more than works. Dads not the only one who knows how to find a distraction. Hes not the only one who needs it either. Party. My house. Beer. Girls. Yeah, Im definitely down with that. I hike across our kitchen and start opening bags of ice and packing them around the keg. My brother Derrick taught me the trick of putting a keg in an old trashcan, and it works perfectly. As ice rattles against the thick plastic, I let myself wonder what Derricks doing today. I mean, Im sure hes partying because thats what the Gibson Boys do. I learned from the best. But I cant help wondering if he remembers what today is. If he plans on having an extra beer to wash the memory down like I will. Or maybe college has changed him enough that hell drown himself in work like Dad does. I shake my head. Nah, this is Derrick. My brother isnt a sellout. I jump when something slams into my kitchen door. Open up! Its the Po-lice. My heart only skips one beat before I realize who it is. Dumbass. I open the kitchen door and shake my head at my best friend Paul. The cops dont say po-lice. His lame attempt at a joke slips my mind when I spot the brown paper bags in his hand. Nice. Your hookup came through? Whatd you get? He pushes his way into the kitchen, setting the bags down on the marble counter. Two bottles of Tequila, two of Vodka, and a couple of Rum. Thats all I could score. My lips stretch into a smile. Thats all well need. Coolers in the corner. Put em in there. I dont want anyone in the fridge. My dads only anal about certain stuff, but the fridge is one of them. Hell notice if the hummus is scooted over a quarter of an inch. He may notice, but he wont say anything. Which is true. Dads always been pretty laid back when it comes to me and Derrick. Still, its his thing, so I dont want anyone to screw it up. My brother and I may have always known how to get our way with Dad, but were also a team, the three of usthe Gibson Boys against the world. I dont know. Dad used to joke around like that when we were younger. I used to think it was cool, but now I know whats up. Hes trying to focus on the good. He doesnt want us to realize what were missing. Or maybe its really that he needs to forget what hes missing. Or maybe Im over-thinking stuff way too much today. I need to chill. The flyers went out? Paul nods his buzzed head. You doubt me? Of course. This museum you call a house will be packed. Tonights going to go down in history as the best nocostumes-allowed Halloween party Portland has ever seen. Everyone has costume parties for Halloween. This year we decided costumes would be an automatic ticket out of here. Museum? Paul pops his knuckles. Museum. Mansion. Castle. Mall. Whatever the hell you want to call it. I dont care what you call my house, but I do want to call you a dumbass. Okay, so my house is big. All Dad does is work, remember? But the rich jokes get old after a while. Plus, its not like Pauls mom isnt loaded. He walks back over to me. Come on, Dylan. Stop your whining and getcha ass ready. Were partying in T-minus-one hour, and I have it on good authority that Chastity Edwards is coming just for you. And that girl is anything butchase? Chaste? Whatever the hell the word is, shes not that. With laughter rolling off me at Paul and his lame sayings, I almost forget what today is. Forget Dads off doing God knows what, forget to wonder what my increasingly MIA brothers up to. All I want to do tonight is have a good time. *** Music is pumping through the speakers, vibrating my heart and probably the walls of my house, too. Its The Black Keys, and I can practically feel every beat as it thumps through Pauls cousins sound system. Hes nineteen, I think, and wants to be a DJ. All I know is hes the guy we always go to when we need someone to man the music. Theres not a lot of people I would trust with that job because the last thing I want when Im drinking is music that makes me feel like Im going to puke. Jeremy knows his shit when it comes to good tunes. I down the rest of the beer in my cup. Im short two vital things for making this night kick the kind of ass I need it to kickmy drink and a girl. Its time I find them

both. Stat. Hey, Dylan. Whats up? Awesome party, D. Dude, your parties kick ass, people toss at me. As I weave my way through what I know has to be ninety-nine percent of our senior class, half the rest of the school, and probably public-school kids, too, I yell my responses. Nothing. Thanks and thanks. I have that happy-buzz, tingling feeling coursing through my body. Theres a fine art to drinking that a lot of people dont understand. I dont want to make it sound like Im a lush or anything. Sure, I party every once in a while, but who doesnt? I just happen to be one of the smarter ones who knows what Im doing. I dont want to end up drinking so much Im even more depressed than I was going into the night--or praying to the porcelain god. Once I get my happy buzz, I slow down. Not enough to lose said buzz but enough that I dont turn into a drunk, teenage girl. Have you seen drunk girls? They always start with a girly argument. Then they shift to crying, then hugging, and then to the bizzaro-world of confessions of BFF love. Yeah, I dont claim to understand girls, but I like them. A lot. Even if I dont trust them. Which leaves me with the tough job of hopefully finding one who, like me, only does the happy-buzz thing. Pushing through the kitchen doors, I hear, D! Come ear. Come ear? Oh, here. Pauls still learning how to keep the happy buzz. Hes in the corner of my kitchen. Beckys sitting on our expensive-ass table, and Pauls standing between her legs. Bingo. Chastity is next to them, a pair of pants painted onto her long legs and a shirt that shows her belly-button ring. Damn. Thats new. And hot. I definitely would have known about the piercing sooner if it wasnt a recent addition. Her blonde hair is all curly today, like she did something different to it, and shes got tons of makeup on. I fight a groan. Im not really into the whole makeup thing. Makes girls look too fake, but how do you say that without sounding like a dick? Hey, Dylan, Chastity says as I walk up to her. You look good. Now, this is the part where I know Im going to come off sounding too cocky, but I know I look good. Im wearing my favorite jeans, my new shoes and a black button up shirt left open. Underneath is a nice, white shirt that on its own wouldnt do the trick. Simple, but effective. Thanks. You, too. I step up beside her, showing I want to be close to her, but waiting for her to give me some kind of clue she wants the same thing. Even though according to Paul shes here for me, hes been known to get his lines crossed from time to time, and I dont want to assume anything. Chastity steps closer, nudging my arm with hers. Her mouth is next to my ear, so close I feel her breath. Thanks for inviting me. Its good to see you. Paul did not cross his lines tonight. He had it dead on. Before I know it, my cup is full again, and I have my arm draped over Chastitys shoulder. Pauls doing what he does best, which is perform, making fun of this dance he saw, and were all laughing at him. All the thoughts from earlier are so gone from my head now. Ive let them all find their way to the back of my brain to think about another day. All of a sudden, Paul slips mid-dance in some beer on the floor. My head drops back, and I bust up when he almost falls. When my eyes are forward again, I see her. Im going to blame it fully on the alcohol, because what else can it bebut I suddenly get a little dizzy. My breath speeds up. She has long, blonde hair. Not super blonde, kind of a dark blonde, and big green eyes. Shes curvy, and I cant help but stare. I dont know who this girl is, but shes freaking gorgeous in a totally natural way. She takes a step and then another one, heading our way. And shes scowling at me. Maybe not at me in particular, but at the whole scene. Shes mastered what I like to call The Look. Its when girls crinkle their nose, tighten their mouths and raise their eyebrows in a holier than thou way. Im not even sure they know they do it, but every. Single. Girl. Ive ever met has The Look in her arsenal. It shouldnt look good on her, but even through the scowl shes hot. She keeps walking forward, and soon shes standing in front of us, arms crossed and giving me The Look face to face. Forget that Im standing next to the beer. Forget that the door to outside is right next to us. For some reason, I feel like she came over here for me. And according to the look, she hates me. I will some witty comment to come out of my mouth. Im usually good in a clinch. I can pull a comeback or a sarcastic comment out of thin air. Right now, I have nothing. All I can say is, What?

Two ~Ziah~

What? How do I even answer that question? Hes standing with a plastic cup full of beer, and his arm draped around some girl. Its such a possessive way to hold someone. Like, your body is pressed against me, making me feel all desirable, and Im using you for an armrest. Nice. He actually takes a drink while his arm is still resting on her shoulders, and while hes still staring at me. Wow, he has totally straight, white teeth. And nice hair. Touchable black hairall messy, but still perfect. Then I let my eyes fall down. God. Of course. He probably spent more than two hundred dollars on his stupid jeans. Its probably his dumb party. And his freaking mansion. Hes still staring. I must be scowling. The girl under his arm gives me a once-over and looks away. Right. Im no competition cause my jeans arent two sizes too small. Whatever. Someone said there were sodas over here? Fridge maybe? I reach toward the handle. Dont touch that. He almost, almost lets go of the girl with the skin-tight jeans, but not quite. Where would he put his arm? I hold my hands up. Fine, whatever. Guess hes anal about his fridge. On the porch, he says from behind me. I dont look backjust wave to say thanks and head for the glass door. When I step outside, I can finally breathe. Its like as soon as I get into a huge group of people like this, I dont know where to put my hands. These arent my people. My people are with my boyfriend, James, in a biology lab across town. Not in overpriced, over-tight jeans getting wasted. I cant believe I got talked into this, I say under my breath. Its just not my thing. It normally isnt James thing either. He just heard about it from his cousin. Then my friend Alyssa got all excited, and they begged me to come. But is he here? Nope. Not yet. Oh. And also not answering my texts. James and I have been dating for more than a yearsince the beginning of junior year. Its hard because I didnt see him much over the summer, and since school started again, hes been busy. I love that hes so driven, but its also hard. Were into all the same things, and were both headed to med school. So I get it, but I also miss having him around. I stop and scan the porch for coolers. Oh, perfect. Theres a couple making out on the corner of the deck. Who thinks the back porch, even if its the size of a basketball court, is the perfect place to make out? Im sure there are like twenty rooms to choose from upstairs. When I find the thing, I step over and pull open the lidthankful its not next to the desperate couple. Tequila, Vodka, Rum. Of course. Why am I here? Its a Halloween party that forbids costumes. Not that Id really want to dress up, but who does that? When I said that to James, he said its also a back-toschool party. So these people do Halloween with no costumes and back-to-school parties two months late? Im pretty sure theyre psychotic. I should be home studying. Senior year. Its important. Senior grades are a big mark for university applications. My AP classes will actually be college credits. I dont see how jumping around in someones house to good musiceven though its being played way too loudand getting hammered is a good way to celebrate us being in school, but whatever. James is coming, so that should make it worthwhile. Hey! Alyssa jumps on my back as she comes outside. She already reeks like whatever shes been drinking. Weve only been here a half hour. Alyssa and I have been best friends for like, ever, but sometimes I just dont get her. Can you believe this place? Her bright blue eye-shadow looks amazing on her with her brown eyes and short, dark hair. Im wearing mascara and lip-gloss. I feel all goopy when I put on more than that, and I have no idea what Im doing and would probably just end up looking like some kind of street-walker, only in jeans and comfortable shoes. She looks like she belongs here. I do not. This is not a white T-shirt and worn jeans kind of party. Too late now, and even if it wasnt too late, I have no idea how to look like Alyssa or almost every other girl in this place. Its pretty amazing. I have to yell even though shes right next to me. And amazing doesnt even begin to cover this house. Its unreal. Like, I cant believe only one family lives here. Wheres your old man? she yells.

She calls James my old man boyfriend for no real reason. Well, okay, for kind of a reason. He wears old man shoes to school with his jeans, and James and I are comfortable with each other. I dont feel the need to suck his face off in public like the couple on the porch. His internship carried over from last summer, remember? And they went late. Im trying to be supportive and not mad that he didnt drive me here like he promised. I had to drive my moms two-tone Subaru with the five-year-old color scheme, which Alyssa hates. Anyway, Moms car has GPS. I still managed to get lost, still managed to be late, and James still isnt here. My phone vibrates. JAMES: ALMOST THERE. My chest relaxes in relief. Okay, well, Im headed back in. Theres like, practically an arcade in the basement. Im going to go down and play pool. I point to her chest, which is already half out of her shirt. She shrugs. Im wearing a bra. One more drink, and I wont care what shows when I lean over the table. She smirks and heads back inside. Right. No way she cares now. Shes placing her feet way too carefully, which means shes thinking about where her feet need to be. Which means shes had more to drink than she lets on. Now what? I cant stand out here forever, and its not like Im alone. My eyes shift to the couple in the corner. Who knows whatll happen between them next. Dissecting cats is one thing, watching people grope each other is just gross. I spin around to go back inside and run into someone. Im soaked. Watch it! I start wiping the front of my shirt. Beer, of course. His hand reaches out toward my chest. I knock it away. Dont touch me! And then as I look up, Im left speechless. His blue eyes are amazing, unreal, electric. It hits me in the pit of my stomach. Shit, Im sorry. I was just coming out to show you where the soda is... He leans closer to me as he talks, and I should totally be moving away. But Im not. I open my mouth to speak, but I cant. Hes hot. Like, rich-boy mixed with hand-picked genetics or something. Muscular without being huge. I cant take in a deep breath. But then I do, and he smells... amazing. Like boy, but good. Im seriously dizzy just from standing close to this guy. Must be some expensive cologne. Wait. Were standing way too close. Oh no. Rock in my stomach. I know him. Oh, right. Youre the guy who uses a girl for an armrest. I scowl. Chastity is not an armrest. Shes... Fine. A decorative armrest. Decorated like a skank. Yes, Im feeling this mean. And I bet her name is a lesson in irony. I push past him into the house. What the hell? I came out here to be nice. By spilling your beer all over my shirt? I yell behind me. I know Im being kind of bitchy, but this whole party situation has me on edge. He follows me into the house. Ill... uh... buy you a new one? Why does he have to sound so clueless? Snobby? I spin toward him. Its not about money. Its about you ruining my shirt! His face is blank. Umm, its just a white T-shirt. Thank you for that obvious statement. Ziah! My head turns and theres James. Relief. James also looks like he doesnt belong here. He looks like he just stepped out of a lab in his old jeans and a university Tshirt. He scratches his neatly trimmed blond hair (something he always does), and his light brown eyes are on me. I dont look back, dont stop, just run up to meet him. I start to throw my arms around him in gratitude that hes finally here. Whoa... He puts his hand up between us. I dont want that all over me. What happened to you? Hes yelling because theres no other way to talk with this much noise. I look down and catch sight of his brown, comfy leather slip-on shoes. Alyssas right. Theyre totally old-man shoes. Funny. Oh, he asked me a question. Some jerk spilled his beer on me. My phone buzzes. ALYSSA: I DONT FEEL SO HOT. WHEN R WE LVING? I frown and flash James my phone, pretending to be annoyed instead of relieved that were going to have to go. And already? That girl has a talent for getting too wasted, too fast. Well, so much for the party. Ive always wanted to come inside. Pretty amazing, isnt it? He leans toward me a little. Were standing close. Just a few more

inches, and I could close the gap and put our lips together, because now that Im thinking about it, Im not sure when we last kissed. Instead of kissing, he leans toward my ear to yell again. Wanna take off? he shouts. We should probably get Alyssa home. And maybe Ill drop by and see Mom. My mom owns a great, funky restaurant in an up and coming area in downtown Portland. Shes there all the time and loves it when I stop in late. Her normal nights get her home at just after one on a weekend, sometimes two. I put my mouth close to his ear so he can hear me. Wanna come? He smells like laball antiseptic. Not like... Oh-kay. Not going to think about the hot guy in two hundred dollar jeans. Not when I have James right here, and so close. Why dont I take Alyssa home so you dont have to backtrack? It seems silly to take two cars all the way back home and then another car back into downtown to your moms place, he yells. Besides, I dont really want to smell like restaurant and bar. Because antiseptic is so awesome. I sigh and my chest sinks. I havent seen you. He gives me this half-smile like Im being silly. Ill see you tomorrow afternoon. No big deal. He shrugs and steps back, and suddenly I wouldnt mind if James put his arm around me like I was his armrest. Just to be possessive. Just to make me feel like he wanted to be close to me. His hand closes over mine, and we walk to the door holding hands. Only our fingers arent even laced together. Alyssas sitting on the front porch when we step outside, frowning and looking well, wasted. James drops my hand as we step out. Alyssa groans, and rests her face on her knees. She and I are in all the same AP classes, and I swear shes smarter than me but has to do stupid crap like this. The girl just doesnt know when to stop drinking. Ill take you home. James reaches out and half-carries her toward his car. I dont know how he got a parking spot actually in the driveway. Im almost a block down the street. I glance back at the party and catch rich-boy with his armrest back in place. I can barely see him through the people wandering around between the front door and the kitchen. He starts to tip his cup again when our eyes meet, and he freezes. It hits me just like before, in my stomach, this knot of nervous tingles. Even from way out here. The armrest looks up at him. Hes still looking at me, and her head starts to turn my way. Thats my cue to move. What was that? Why did I have to look back at some spoiled, beer-spilling man-whore? Im sure he is. I mean, who else dates someone like Chastity? She looked like she was about to audition for a music video. I suck in a breath and almost wish Id been drinking so I could play off my reaction to him. And my general meanness toward everyone in the room. So, Ill see you tomorrow? James asks. I jog to his side of the car and stand close, but not so close that I get beer on his shirt. Instead of pressing us together, I touch his stomach through his T-shirt hoping for anything from him. He gives me a peck. Tell your Mom I said hi. Yep. I stay close. Im looking for something more. Some feeling in my chest or in my gut to keep me here, to make us closer. Or even something from hima touch or a looksomething that shows he cant get enough of me. Instead he stands, watching me with the same relaxed smile he always wears. I duck my head into the car. Im being silly. Im not ditching you, am I? I ask Alyssa. Her eyes are closed, and her face is pressed against the window. Nah... She gestures loosely with her hand. Your old man will get me home... Her arm tucks back into her front. Shes done moving. I stand back up next to James. You need to take her in the back door... I got it. Then to Alyssa, Watch my upholstery. Love you, James. Give me something to hold onto here. Yeah. Love you, too. He slides in the drivers seat, closes the door, and drives away. Ive barely seen him all week, and hes gone. Just like that. I dont move. I watch him drive off, wishing for something between us that just isnt there. Some crazy spark, something, anything... But thats not really what were about. Were comfortable. Its nice to be comfortable. But if its so nice, why does my chest feel heavy? Now I just want to go to Moms restaurant and stuff my face. But first I need to dig through her car and see if I can find a shirt that isnt soaked in beer.

Three ~Dylan~

Hangovers suck. My head is going to explode, my gut aches like Ive spent too much time in the car with Paul after he eats Taco Bell, and my mouth feels like theres glue in it. The part that really sucks is its my fault. I forgot my own rules. I didnt follow the happy-buzz plan, drinking way more than I should have once Hanes left. I mean, who gets that pissed over a white T-shirt? Maybe she has stock in the company. The girl has some serious damage, which gives me something else to add to my suckage list. Im in bed, feeling like a truck ran over me, yet my mind is on her. What. The. Hell? What did I ever do to her? What kind of person comes to a party with an Oscar the Grouch frown, insults the owner of said party and then eyes him up and down like hes something to eat? Yeah, she had her eyes on me. I noticed. What I wish is that Id been able to take my eyes off her. And it kind of kills me I had that effect on her. The I-couldnt-care-less effect, not the devour-me-with-your-eyes one. It shouldnt matter because I dont go for girls like her. Im not into the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing because that leads to the kind of commitment that screwed up my whole family. Chastitys into me, and she doesnt want more than just to have fun either. I should totally be focusing on her right now. On the way her skin felt beneath my hands, the way her mouth took mine. Granted, with a little too much spit, but still. Chastity is safe for a whole gang of reasons that Im too foggy-brained to think about right now. So I dont. Instead I drag my lazy ass out of bed to get the house clean before Dad gets home. Then its shopping. Cant have enough school clothes. Especially when I go to the hellhole known as Portland Prepyes, thats really the name. It doesnt even matter that we have a school uniform; Its always a good time for a new wardrobe. *** Dylan. Psst, Chastity calls from the next row over and a seat behind me. Mrs. Palm is at the front of the room talking about who the hell knows what. How history can be so interesting I dont understand, but she loses herself in the Ho Chi Minh Trail, rambling on and on, oblivious to whats happening in the classroom. I turn to her. Yeah? School Chastity looks so different than party Chastity. Theres a makeup rule on how much you can wear, and party Chastity would definitely end up spending some time in detention if she showed up here. Do you have plans after school? Wanna chill? she whisper-yells. Its December, and Chastity and I have hung out a few times since the party. Its easy with her. We have fun and then go our separate ways, something that works well for both of us. I hear shes seen Ted Thompson once or twice, too. Theyre one of those hook-up and break-up couples. For all I know shes using me to make him jealous, but I dont care. Its not hard to avoid caring about Chastity. I dont mean to sound like a jerk. Theres nothing wrong with her. I just dont give people ways to have any power over me. Its another one of those Gibson Boys things. Yeah. You can come to my house Mr. Gibson! Is there something youd like to share with the class? Yeah, leave it to me to get caught talking by the teacher who never catches anyone. No, maam. I was just taking notes on your discussion, but I missed that last part. I asked Chastity if she caught it. I smile and hold up a piece of paper I just started a sketch on. Sketching is way more interesting than history, and Im better at it, too. Im always drawing something and tucking it away. I guess you can say its my thing. Luckily, another well-known fact about Mrs. Palm, shes blind as a bat and wont notice Im drawing a picture of her rather than taking notes. Oh, wonderful! Good for you, Dylan. Im glad youre enjoying the discussion. Easy as that. I guess that means youll get the best grade on the class on our next test. Shit. Maybe not. Thankfully the bell rings and I throw my stuff in my bag. Its last class of the day, which means freedom. I wait for Chastity, and we walk out to my Hummer together. God, I love your car. She climbs in the passenger side, and I jump in the drivers seat.

Me, too. I rev the engine and pull out. The other cars stay out of my way, because, well, I could run them over if I wanted to. Im supposed to do dinner with Becky and her family tonight, Chastity says. Is it okay if she picks me up at your house around five? Yep. Sounds good to me. My cell beeps, and I pick it up to see a missed call from Derrick. Its been a few weeks since we talked, which is strange, but I dont feel like talking to him in front of an audience. Ill call him later. We make it through the Portland streets pretty quickly. Before I know it, were in my kitchen. You want a soda or something Chastitys lips cut me off. Guess not. Not that Im complaining, but I wouldnt have minded a drink and maybe some chips or something first. Then I take over, letting my tongue swirl around in her mouth. She makes this little sighing sound and then slides her hand under the back of my shirt. My stomach growls, and I find myself wishing Id gotten my snack. Sounds insane, I know. Maybe Im going insane. What guy would rather eat Doritos than make out with Chastity? Trying to shake those thoughts from my head, I lean her against the counter and let my mouth slide away from her lips and down her neck. She. Tastes. Like. Makeup. Not nearly as good as chips. And shes not even wearing as much as party Chastity would. How do I keep doing this? How did I do it so much at the party a few months back? Thinking of the party makes Hanes pop into my head. The girl with the plump lips who looked at me like she either wanted to kiss me or stab me. Im not even sure she knew which one. My thoughts switch from her evil eye to her wet shirt. I still cant believe she wore a T-shirt and faded jeans to my party. I mean, props to her because I dont know any girl at my school whod have the confidence to do it, but Im still shocked. Maybe thats why Im shocked. Because the girls I hang out with would not be caught dead in what she wore. And I still cant get her out of my head. T-shirt or not, this girl is somehow imprinted on my memory. Im thinking its the whole fact that she didnt give me the time of day. Theres nothing else it could be. Dylan Aaaand, back to reality. What kind of bastard am I? Im making out with one girl and thinking of another one. My body wills me to ignore it, to keep going because hormones, hello? But instead, I pull away. I rub the back of my neck. Um, you wanna watch a movie or something? Chastity cocks her head at me like shes confused. Then her eyes light up like shes just been let in on a joke I didnt know I was telling. Sure. I grab two sodas and some chips and then lead her downstairs to the media room. We toss in a comedy, and I start in on my snack and drink, feeling pretty proud of myself for putting the brakes on things. Thirty minutes later the food and drink in my hand are replaced with Chastity. Dude, I tried. I swear I tried, but she keeps getting closer and closer, kissing my neck. A mans only so strong, but Im still kind of not into it. I keep catching little scenes on the movie, wondering why Derrick called, trying to figure out where the Ho Chi Minh Trail even is. All things that should not be going on in a guys head when hes making out with a girl. Dylan? You down there? Chastity jumps to the other side of the couch at the sound of Dads voice. Yeah, like he doesnt know what were doing down here. Yep. Dad steps into the room wearing the same suit he wore in court today. Hes a huge defense attorney in Portland. Oh hello. He looks awkwardly at Chastity. I need to talk to you about your brother, but it can wait. This piques my interest. Dads never started a sentence with I need to talk to you about your brother. Chastity jumps to her feet. No! Im leaving. My friend will be here any minute. Thanks for letting me watch a movie with Dylan, Mr. Gibson. I laugh. Dad didnt let her do anything. He wouldnt have had a clue shed even been here if he didnt need me for something. Ill walk you out. Then to Dad I say, Should I just call Derrick? He called me earlier, but I missed it. A very noticeable breath deflates Dads chest. It makes my heart start to beat a little faster. Somethings wrong. Something Dad doesnt want to tell me. Just that quickly my stomach churns. The last time Dad told me something he didnt want to, all our lives changed forever. Yeah, yeah. Call your brother. Ill be upstairs in my office if you need to talk. Need to talk? Why would I need to talk? I rush Chastity to the main floor and outside. Becky pulls up at the perfect time. As she tells me goodbye, Im already dialing Derricks phone number. Im pacing

across one of the only other things Dads anal abouthis lawn. Pick up, pick up, pick up, I mumble, all sorts of thoughts pounding in my brain. Derricks sick. Hes leaving the country. Somethings wrong with Dad that he cant tell me. Hey, baby brother! I let out a breath. He sounds happy. If he sounds happy, nothing can be wrong, right? Whats up? Dad was all pale and shit when he said I needed to call you. Derrick laughs. Nothings wrong, Lil D. I have good news! Lil D. I hate that name. Just because hes older, he gets to be Big D. Whatever. So spill it. My voice cracks. Im still nervous. Why am I still nervous? Through the phone, I hear Derrick take a few breaths. Hes nervous, too. Dyl, Im getting married! MARRIED? What? Its worse than I thought. My brother isnt dying; hes gone bat-shit crazy. Listen, Dylan, I know Mom and all, but But he doesnt know. Thats why he doesnt finish his sentence. If he knew, he wouldnt be doing this. If he cared, he wouldnt be doing this. I was wrong. My brother is a sellout. He went back on our pact. Hes going to end up just like Dad. Unable to hold it back, I drop my cell and puke in Dads prized grass.

Four ~Ziah~

My jaw is like, on the floor. My sister Lora, sophomore in college, is getting married. Married to someone weve never met. Because they havent been dating all that long. I mean, she stayed in Boulder for summer school and for Thanksgiving, and I guessed it had something to do with the boyfriend. But he was just a boyfriend. Now hes a fianc! What happened to all her lectures? School first, career second, boys third. Always. Ive looked up to her because of this for years. And I know that seems crazy because Im dating James, but he and I have the same goals. Were both going to med school, and we both get how much pressure is on people in our position. Moms smiling in the kitchen, putting dishes away before work. Since shes a chef, shes completely meticulous about how things are done, and our kitchen is the biggest and only up-to-date room in the house. Moms light brown hair is cut short, and her tiny figure moves through the room with lightning speed. I cant believe things are still so normal after Loras ridiculous decision. Mom! How can you be so calm about this? Your sisters a smart girl. She shrugs. Shrugs! Her fianc Derrick and I talked on the phone, and we had so much to say, we talked for over an hour. He really has his head on straight. And hes from Portland, too! Isnt that fun? I narrow my eyes. Im totally suspicious for a million reasons right now. The first one being that Moms way too calm about this. Wait. Does Dad know? She lets out a long sigh. Of course your father knows. I cross my arms and slump down in my stool. I hate being the last to know stuff. Dads an ER doctor at Providence St. Vincent. He loves every second of it, and his job makes me even more determined to go to med school. The problem is that hes home almost as little as Mom is, so I never know who knows what about whom. I really want Dad on Team Ziah for this one. Your sister will be home in a few days for Christmas Break. Thatll give us all a chance to meet him. She pats my back and walks out of the room. Ill be late tonight. Isnt she always? Maybe I can talk some sense into my sister while shes here. Christmas break in college is a whole month, so Ill have a while to talk her out of it. Who gets married in college? *** Alyssa and I are both on our stomachs in my room over our calculus texts. It seemed like a good idea to take this class at the beginning of the year but not so much anymore. Shes totally absorbed, which is cool, but shes usually the one turning the music up too loud and teasing me about being so serious. Alyssa? Yeah? She doesnt look up. Were okay, right? Shes been so studious. And thats a little weird. I mean, shes in hard classes. She just usually floats through them. And here we are a day away from Christmas break, and plowing through another assignment. Yeah. Im just You know how spacey I can be, and I havent always made the best decisions. Im just trying to get myself on track before college. She sounds rehearsed and is still working her way through the problem I just finished. I still cant believe were in senior year, and I cant believe my sister thinks shes getting married. I blow out to get the loose strands of hair off my face. Alyssa chuckles. So, what else is going on tonight? James is coming over in a bit. After the party, I was desperate to feel that tingling in my gut I felt with a total stranger, and I started something I didnt mean to with James. When I met up with him the next day, I kissed him like I hadnt in a long time and even slid my hands up the back of his shirt. He took that as a sign I wanted to go further, when that wasnt completely my intention. Ever since hes been pushing me for more, and its not like him. Or like us. Im starting to miss our comfortable relationship. Oh. Right. Alyssas eyes are practically plastered to the problem in front of her. Do you suddenly have a problem with James? I realize its been a while since we all three hung out.

No, why? She scribbles out the next step in the problem shes working through. I dont know. Mostly cause shes not looking at me, and I dont know if Im being paranoid or if they got in an argument or something. Youre funny, Ziah. Its just senior year and busy. She shrugs before sitting up and closing her text, but shes also still not looking at me. Hey. James stops the second hes in my room, and his eyes go from me to Alyssa and then back to me. I gotta run. My parents need my babysitting skills tonight. And Alyssas gone before I really have time to process her leaving. In the next second, Jamess lips are on mine. Hey. I laugh as he kisses me again without giving me a chance to breathe. I want to ask him what happened between him and Alyssa, and if Im going to have to start scheduling around their sudden dislike of each other. Hey. His smile is brief before his lips are on mine again. For the past month, every time were together, he wants to pick up where we left off the last time. If we left off with his hands up the back of my shirt, were at that place again within a few minutes of getting together. It doesnt feel like its about me anymore. It feels like its about doing more. His hand slides up the front of my shirt. This is something new as of a few days ago. I dont stop him, but it doesnt really do anything for me except make me selfconscious. What does he think about my bra? Are my boobs right? Do they feel like theyre supposed to? Is my skin being pushed or pulled in a way that makes him think Im fat? Now his weight is on me, and his mouth is on mine. I should be feeling something more. Like, shouldnt I want him the way he so obviously wants me? A horn honks outside, which almost has to mean that Loras here. James groans before rolling off me. Ill walk you down. He stands and offers me a hand, which I take. His arms go around me again as he pulls me into another kiss. James. I try to pull away. My sister. Okay, okay He clasps my hand tightly as we walk down the stairs. He stops at the bottom and leans into me. I really just want around him and to see my sister. Ziah. He puts his hands on my face. I finally relax and look at him, realizing he wants something else before he goes. James. I love you. I just I want to try to find some time to be with you over break. He gives me a soft kiss. Well see each other. I shrug and start to move around him again. No. You know. Alone. Now I get that he wants a few hours where we can fool around. Im just not sure if I want that right now. Not for that long. Ill call you. Its always busy when Loras in town. He nods as I finally step around him and out the front door. I think I preferred James when he was more like my old-man boyfriend. Lora steps out of the passengers side of a sleek, black Mercedes, which is a bit unexpected. I didnt know shed be arriving in some overpriced, over-glamorized car. Some guy with almost black hair and striking blue eyes steps out of the drivers side, and this is it. This is the guy. My stomach flips over, and I wish it werent too late to run inside and hide. Hey! Lora half talks, half squeals and waves me down the stairs. Im frozen. Well, see you soon. James kisses my cheek and runs his hand up the back of my shirt before moving toward the steps. Im still sort of stunned that the fianc is real. Lora and I are almost twins. Her blonde is a shade lighter than mine, and she has Moms little button nose instead of Dads thin, straight one I got stuck with. But were built exactly the same and look one another in the eye. Before I can move down the steps, her and the guy and the first load of bags is on the porch. Its so weird that shes here with a guy she thinks shes going to marry. Before I can make any smart comments about how much crap hes unloading for a simple Christmas Break visit, her arms are around me practically suffocating me. Hes back down the stairs for load number two. James gives me a last wave and smile before climbing into his car. Hes been around long enough to know getting between me and my sister is futile. Nice to see you, too. I try to laugh as she squeezes even tighter before letting me go. This is Derrick. Her smile practically splits her face in half as she grabs his arm and pulls him a step closer to me. Derrick, this is my little sister Ziah.

Now is when we should shake. I reach my hand out, and wow does he have blue eyes. Party-boy blue. Great to meet you, he says. Its a good, firm shakenot too hard, not too soft. Yeah. You, too. Only I have no idea if its great or not. Its starting to hit me. She wants this guy to be part of our family. Our family. Shouldnt we all get a say in this? Im not saying I want an arranged marriage, but Im now seeing the benefits. Its not that I dont like him because I dont know him. The whole marriage thing feels so irresponsible when theyre both working toward degrees. I think were all getting together for dinner tonight, so Ill see you then. I gotta get home. His smile is equal parts charming and sweet. Of course it isit took something to lure my sister in. I just thought she was above falling for someone over his looks and smile. And his handshake, though Im pretty sure the handshake wasnt the final sale. Im starting to deflate further. Or maybe at this point, Im shrinking. Lora gives me a look like she wants me to tell her right now how awesome he is, when really all I know about him is he drives a nice car, is strong enough to carry her bags, and is really cute. I guess Ill see you then. I tuck my hands in my back pockets, because my whole body feels sorta weirdlike I dont belong here. Im not sure what else to do. Lora walks him down to his car. When they kiss, they dont come up for air for so long, its a little weird and makes me wish Id stepped inside the house. Finally he leaves, and Lora and I are on the porch with her mound of bags and her smile. Its a toss-up as to which is bigger. Wow, I say, because there really isnt anything else to say. I know! She digs into the huge bag shes carried for the past year and sets a stack of bridal magazines between us. This is going to be so much fun! We have like three hours before dinner, so I thought we could jump inat least for a while. Im stunned speechless because we havent even stepped inside yet, and its not exactly warm this time of year. And now there are girlie magazines on our porch. So. This is what I want to do. She opens a magazine to a picture of a bride and groom underneath this elaborate trellis thing thats covered in those pale pink roses she likes so much. It has a chandelier in the middle. A chandelier. Derrick must be loaded because theres no way Mom and Dad would pay for something like that. The whole thing is a little much for me. Way too girly and dramatic. Uh My thoughts cant completely come together. Too much fianc with blue eyes and Alyssa being weird around James and James pushing us to be together and Lora home and this guy going to be part of our family... And her bags are still on the freaking porch. Anything we find in all these magazines that matches up with whats in this picture, we mark. Cool? Her finger rests on the original photo, and the stack of magazines suddenly looks like a mountain. Umm. She wants me to look for pink flowers? Or what? Come on. She grabs the stack, my arm, and hauls me into the house, leaving her bags outside. Ill do up your favorite muffins and hot chocolate. Well have so much fun! Im already feeling like Im caught in this Lora vortex of wedding and new guy and James and Im pretty sure I dont want to be here. *** Im stuffed with muffins, and all the magazines are starting to look the same. I flip a page. Lora! You gotta see this ridiculous article. I laugh as I slide deeper into the couch. She primping for the engagement dinner tonight and packing a bag in case she stays over. Which means shell definitely stay over. After that kiss next to his car, Im amazed she was able to be away from him for just a few hours. What is it? she calls down. Please dont yell in the house, Dad asks. I jump at the sound of his voice. My parents are so rarely home it throws me when they are. Hes reading in his oversized chair in the corner. Sorry. I slump lower and glance at the article. Signs Your Boyfriend is Cheating. And this in a bridal magazine? Hopefully soon-to-be brides are past this. Only as I read down, I start to get this weird, itchy feeling in my gut as I skim the short, paragraph stories. My best friend and my boyfriend suddenly couldnt be in the same room, and my boyfriend was acting different toward me. Turns out they hooked up at a party, and Im choking. This sounds way too familiar. No. Not James and Alyssa. That would be well, unbelievably horrible. Im pretty sure theyre fighting about something. My fingers shake as I pull out my phone. Loras rummaging around behind me in the kitchen.

I start to call James, but now Im worried about talking to him. Why would I worry about talking to James? Instead I go for non-committal. A text. ME: TELL ME ABT U AND ALYSSA That could reference their weird behavior without being specific. Put him in the position where he has to come up with some info. I wait for his call. And wait. I stare at my phone. And then I get a text. Lora kisses my head. See ya tomorrow! I open my mouth to tell her to wait, but James message hits me like a brick, silencing me. The door slams closed behind her. JAMES: IM SORRY. I TOLD HER I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO SAY SOMETHING. CAN WE TALK? My body shakes. Loras gone. Dads behind his paper. Do I want to know everything or nothing? I jump up and start for the stairs. The first sob hits me just as I step through my bedroom door. What just happened?

Five ~Dylan~

I havent talked to the sellout, a.k.a., my brother, since he dropped his crazy bomb about taking the plunge intoholy matrimony. I dont know why, but for some reason holy matrimony is easier to think than the M-word. Its still screwed up--like something old people do. Or boring people. Or lonely people Not a guy in college who still has all his mental faculties. Hence, temporary insanity being the only option here. Does he remember what happened to Dad after Mom was gone? Did college wipe out his memories and what we swore to one another? I dont get it. Hell end up just as broken as Dad. Hes letting someone in just to risk losing them. Its not worth getting stomped on. Thats what it feels like hes doing to me, letting his foot come down on my head over and over, by forgetting the pact we made. What about the Gibson Boys? My fingers tighten on the steering wheel. Im almost home, so I turn up the music, hoping it will help me clear my head before I see him. Hes coming home for Christmas and bringing the old ball and chain with him. Guess a guy cant spend time with his real family alone anymore. Honestly, I dont even know what to say when I see him. Part of me just wants to open the conversation with a punch to the head and hope it takes care of the insanity thing. Then we can skip the heart-to-heart altogether. Maybe I can kidnap him. Drag his lame ass out of here and stage an intervention. We can go on the road and have fun, and hell forget he ever wanted a life sentence with his fian... fianc I cant even think the word. Damn. I pull into my driveway and kill the engine. Im freaking out here, and its kind of embarrassing. I think this girl is actually staying with us or something. We havent really had any girls here for longer than a few hours since Moms been gone. What if she starts running around the house with a towel on her head, yelling at Derrick to do this and that? And then hell wake up tomorrow and shell be gone. Chill out, Dylan. This isnt me. I dont stress out like this. Whats the point? Thats what I need to try and remember now. I climb the porch stairs. The door pulls open, and Derrick is standing there. He looks the same, just like me but older. Same black hair, same blue eyes, except mine are brighter. Girls always tell me I have nice, thick eyelashes, too. I dont know about that, but they seem to like it. So Im cool with it. About time you got your slow ass home. And dont think Im not pissed at you for ignoring my phone calls. Derrick holds out an arm. I sort of want to be an ass and ignore him now, too, but I dont. We give each other a half-hug before he moves out of the way to let me in. I missed you, little brother. I push my way inside. My face is hot. My whole body is hot. I missed you, little brother? My brain is yelling at my mouth to shut up, but Ive never been good at listening to that warning. Thats all you have to say after springing a wedding on me? Holy shit. I sound like parent. Or a spouse. Or a nutcase. Whatever it is, I dont sound like Dylan, but I dont care. Have you lost your mind? Or Damn! How did this not occur to me sooner? You got her pregnant? You always made sure I had condoms. Wrap it or lack it remember? Forget how to use one, yourself? Im lecturing my older brother. There is definitely something wrong with this picture. Again, my brain is screaming at me, but, dude he got this girl pregnant? Derrick holds up his hands and shakes his head. Chill out, Dylan. Youre giving me a headache. Come on. Lets go have a drink. I follow my brother through the kitchen. He grabs two sodas out of the fridge, and then we head out to the back porch. Dad home? I ask him. Of course not, he replies. Funny, he can remember that but seems to forget why things are that way. He hands me the soda, which I take. A Pepsi doesnt make you seem any less crazy. I plop down in our porch chair. Its cold as hell and a little drizzly. Theres a small puddle of water at the bottom of the stairs, and I watch as drops hit it and echo out. Why we couldnt do this inside, I dont know. Derrick sits next to me. Shes not pregnant, dumbass. He thumps my head. I push his hand away. So you are crazy? He shakes his head and is quiet for a few seconds. He looks like hes trying to figure out what to say, and I want to tell him just to spit it out. But before I get the chance, he opens his mouth and says, I love her, bro. Shes awesome. Youll like her, too. I scratch my neck, not sure what to say. Stupid, but I totally didnt expect him to say that. I want him to tell me Im right. Or that he made a mistake, or that shes just fun or cool. Not that he loves her. Hes dumb to risk loving anyone.

Yeah, Im sure shes cool. Its one thing to like a girl. I like a lot of girls. Its one thing to think shes cool, but married? Are you that whipped? Wheres your collar? I try to make light of the moment when I really feel like Im going to explode. Derricks voice is tense when he says, Watch it. I can still kick your ass and dont think I wont. Crossing my arms, I look away from him. I cant believe hes doing this. I cant believe hes bailing on us. On me. What about the pact? I finally ask. We always said it was the Gibson Boys. That we wouldnt let a girl come between us. I want an eraser to take the words away because they sound stupid and needy, but I want him to hear them, too. Want them to penetrate his thick skull so he can realize what hes doing. Derrick sighs. His eyes look all concerned, making me really want to get out of here. Shes not going to come between us, and we were kids when we made that dumb pact. Come on, Dyl. Im happy. Guilt body-slams me. He sounds happy, and I want that for him. Hes my brother after all, but how can I go along with this? We were all happy: me, him, Dad and Mom. Then one day we werent. Now were happy again, and I really dont want to go back to the not. How long will you be happy? Everything was perfect before, and then it all fell apart. It takes him a couple minutes to reply. It feels like an eternity, and I wonder when I turned into such a stress case. Things werent perfect, D. You were young. You didnt see, or you dont remember, but I hold up my hand to stop him. Not going there. This is about you and the colossal mistake youre about to make. I need the subject to go back to him and not her because hes wrong. Our life was perfect. Derrick playfully shoves my arm. Its not a mistake. Youre my little brother. I want you to be cool with this. Were going to need your help, ya know? Theres stuff well need you to dobeing the best man and all. This is the first Ive heard about best man. Buying me off isnt going to work. Then I start to feel bad. This is my brother, and hes never really asked me for anything. He was there for me when Dad wasnt. But why this? He wants my help to break something that he promised me. It takes a few minutes, but finally he speaks again. Shes not Mom, Dylan. Tears sting my eyes. When did I turn into such a pussy? Dads a workaholic. Derrick is a nutcase. And Im turning into a sniveling baby. So much for the Gibson Boys. Youll like her. Shes gorgeous, fun, smart, can outdrink my ass any day of the week. Shes good people. With the palm of my hands, I rub my eyes. Stupid, cold, rainy wind. Whatever. Dont think Im happy about this. And dont think Im going to stop trying to get you to change your mind, but I guess she must be alright if you like her. Or not, but he doesnt want to hear that. I push to my feet and before I know it, Im tumbling off the porch and into the mud puddle I was just watching. Not hard and it wasnt a big fall, but Derricks on top of me, shaking me. Thats what I like to hear. I knew youd understand. Im going to kill him. I push my brother, getting the best of him for the first time. Now Im on top. And its still cold, and why are we wrestling in the rain? I dont know, but it feels okay almost normal. I dont understand shit, whipped boy. Im just not going to bail on you the way youre bailing on me. Derrick pushes me again, and we break apart, both trying to find the best position to attack and get the better of each other. Id never bail on you, and you know it. Just wait. One day youre going find the right girl and fall so head over your ass in love, youll know what Im talking about. Not in a million years. I lunge and tackle him to the ground. Were both laughing and panting as we roll around on the cold-ass ground. He may be making a huge mistake, but hes still the brother I know. I didnt realize how much I missed him. Youve gotten stronger. He rolls away from me, chest heaving. Rain is hitting us in the face, but we dont move. Youve gotten softer. Is that what marriage does to you? Derrick laughs. Im not married yet, smart ass. I cant wait until you realize how dense you are. Its going to be a joy to watch. I open my mouth to tell him hes lost his mind again, but were interrupted by a female voice. Derrick? Ohhey. Are you guys okay? Theres a pair of familiar green eyes looking down on me. I cant place where I know them from, but theres something about them I recognize. You must be Dylan. She holds out her hand, and I want to be lame about it and ignore her. But I dont. I let her help me up. Hey. Nice to meet ya. I look at the porch, the house, the ground, anywhere, but the girl who will always be there for Derrick, until one day shes just gone.

Its different to like girls than it is to get serious about them. Never get your heart involved. Thats what Derrick told me, and now hes the one doing it. I rang the bell, but you guys didnt answer. Derrick gives her a cheesy smile. I told you just to come in, baby. My house is your house. I try not to gag. Im Lora. Shes looking at me. You guys want some hot chocolate? I brought you some. She holds up a thermos. Hot chocolate? Hot chocolate? Does she think were five? Sounds good, baby. He kisses her. Yeah, totally whipped. We get into the kitchen, and Im wondering how this girl is just suddenly walking into my house. I feel really stupid for just suddenly walking in. Great. Apparently Derricks awesome, gorgeous woman also has ESP. Dont be ridiculous. Derrick looks at her in a way Ive never seen my brother look at anyone. Im caught between wanting to vomit again, wanting to ask him, what about me, and also feeling a little good seeing him like this. Hes obviously into this girl, but still. Good hot chocolate, I mumble, trying to break the connection. It actually is good, but whatever. Thanks! Lora smiles at me. Derrick was right, she is pretty. She seems nice enough, too, but nice doesnt mean marriage and stabbing your brother in the back. Lora stands. Anyway, I just wanted to come and meet you before tonight. Derrick talks about you all the time. Funny, he never mentioned her before the big announcement. She looks at Derrick. And to see you again. He gets this puppy dog look on his face. Im afraid hell start humping her leg any minute. Can you say pathetic? I love you, she tells him. He gets a goofy smile on his face. I love you, too. Has he told anyone he loves them since Mom? Have I? Suddenly, I hate her again, and the punch to Derricks head is sounding like a good plan. *** Zilas? What kind of name is that for a restaurant? I pull the Hummer into the parking lot. I guess Loras mom owns this place. I had no idea this engagement party would really be a dinner at her familys place. It feels like a point for their team, like were on their territory, and that kind of annoys me. Lora and Derrick drove together, and I followed them over. I always drive my own car when I can. She turns to wave at me before walking inside. This girl is way too nice. Derrick heads my way, and I consider throwing him in the back and driving off. Instead I get out and slam the door. See? I can be reasonable. I need you not to be an asshole tonight, D, Derrick tells me. What? Im not an asshole. Trying to impress the new family? It pisses me off when he ignores the family part. Seriously. Dont mess this night up for me, or Ill kick your ass. You might even have fun. Lora has a sister around your age Nice. Just what I need. Another overly nice, Team Marriage girl to deal with. This night just keeps getting better and better. Actually forget about her sister. I mean, be nice to her, but I know you. Keep your hands off. Seriously. What? I push him. Are you really trying to warn me off my future sister-in-law? First of all, I can find my own girls without trying to hit on someone at an extended-family function. How weird is that? Second, if shes anything like Lora, Im steering clear. Derrick suddenly looks like he wants to murder me. Nothing against her. Geez, simmer down Fight Club. Im just saying, shes not my type. Im pretty sure this girl must have some magic power to seduce unsuspecting men, and the last thing I want is to get myself in the trap. Just come on, Lil D. I dont want to be late. Dad already is. I try and put on my happy face for him. Until Dad gets here it will be on me to play nice. Okay. Im starving.

We walk inside, and Im still a little annoyed. But the place is pretty cool. A little more earthy-hippie than I go for, but black trim, good music, and funky printed wallpaper. Not bad. Derrick introduces me to Loras Mom and Dad. Her dad looks pretty kicked-back, but her mom is running around like shes hopped up on crack. Shes definitely the over-achiever of the group. I find a corner and watch my brother smile and talk with his new family. He hasnt let go of Loras hand once, and I wonder why--if hes afraid shell be gone if he lets go or afraid he wont be able to take care of her. Its so strange to see Derrick looking all domestic. It reminds me of after Mom was gone. How he stepped up to the plate and took care of me. I shake my head. Definitely not going there. Finally Dad arrives. He sees me in the corner and gives me a sad smile. And I get it. He understands how I feel and probably feels the same way. Hes sucked up in the tornado of Loras family. Dad plays it perfectly, always smiling and talking the way a good lawyer can. I find myself wondering about the sister. Maybe shes in the kitchen making hot chocolate. A few minutes later theyre having us sit down at a long table for dinner. Theres an empty spot next to me, which I assume is forholy shit! The sister is standing in the doorway. Green eyes, white T-shirt. No. No, no, no, no. Loras sister is Hanes? Her gaze catches mine, and she stumbles a little, recognition lighting her face. Yeah, she remembers me, too. Im not sure why I like that. Then its The Look, and I cant help but smile. This night might end up being sort of fun. I cant wait to mess with her.

Six ~ Ziah ~

I cant believe this is happening. What is hot party guy doing here? This is not what I need today. Its still hard to breathe after getting text number one million from both James and Alyssa. James. Alyssa. Their names have been spinning through my head all afternoon. I dont have the details, and I dont want them. The only text I read from Alyssa says IM SORRY. Things between James and I havent been perfect, but they havent been bad either. My stomach turns over again. Im still numb. In shock. Someone clears her throat, and Im brought back to the presentthe part of me thats still functioning anyway. My eyes go from Derrick, attached to Loras side, to party guy, back to Derrick. Same blue eyes. Same almost-black hair. Same smug smirk. Oh. No. She is NOT marrying into that family. Half the table is staring at me. Right. I should probably move. Lora gives me her best exasperated, wide-eyed, clench-jawed look that says Id better find a way to get to my seat. But the only chair is sandwiched between Dad and hot party guy. Not good. My phone beeps with another text, which almost pushes me into another round of tears. Im not crying at the table so I pull in a deep breath, keep my eyes focused, and take the seat next to Dad. No reason for this guy to think I even recognize him. Hey, Dad. Dad smells like hospital, as always, and his dark blond hair is in serious need of a cut. I lean into him, bumping our shoulders together, and try to pretend everythings perfect. Hey, sweetie. Dad pecks a kiss on my temple. Ziah. Loras smile is too bright, and her eyebrows are seriously threatening to take over her hairline. Yes? I smile back, really glossing it on. Cant she see its more than the stupid wedding Im upset over? Shes my sister. She should see this isnt all about her. This is Derricks brother Dylan. Derrick and Dylan. Cute. But then my eyes meet Derricks dads, and I feel like crap for making a comment about their names. His hairs as dark as theirs, and he looks like the cover of some over-priced menswear magazine. These guys seriously won the genetics lottery. I take a long drink from my champagne before turning to look at Dylan. Then I say, Hey. Im Ziah. He doesnt need a hand. Who knows what hed spill on me this time. Cool name. He smirks. Is he seriously making fun of my name? Never mind that I made fun of his and his brothers namesseriously, theirs match. Mine is awesome. Anyway, I dont have to like him. His brother is messing up my sisters plan. Yeah. Thanks. I pick up my champagne again. Not that Im a big drinker, because Im not. But I think the occasion is extreme. Im also a bit surprised Moms risking giving me a glass. Im sure some inspector someone wouldnt be happy about it, but right now, Im not about to question. Lora kicks me under the table, and I almost call her on it. But the death glare Im getting says Id better keep my mouth shut. I down the rest of my champagne. Dad raises an eyebrow, but I pretend not to see. Okay, so I might have sort of freaked out on Lora before the party. And her fianc might have heard part of it because they were on the phone, and I might have stayed in the kitchen way longer than I needed to (seeing as I can barely make toast) just to avoid the dinner. But she didnt have to torture me by putting me next to hot party guy, who smells freaking delicious and has the most awesome eyes Ive ever Crap. I need to stop. My phone buzzes with another text. Alyssa this time. I delete it without reading and pull a shaky breath in to keep from crying. Its pretty egotistical for Lora to think I was upset over her anyway. I lost James. And the worst part about it is that he should have been the safest guy ever. Him and Alyssa? What have they done? Is it still going on? Was it a one-time thing? A many-times thing? How far did they go? That thought makes me feel like someone just dropped me out of a plane. My phone buzzes. Another text. Im almost afraid to check, but its Lora. Amazingly, she seems like the safest choice right now. LORA: BEHAVE ME: R U KIDDING ME? I KNOW HIS BRO. DO U KNOW WHO UR MARRYING?

Lora scowls as she reads my note, and then she starts frantically texting. Mom and Dad are probably telling some embarrassing story because theres chuckling around the table, but Lora and I have business. L: HOW ON EARTH DO U KNOW DYLAN? ME: WE MET AT A Crap. Now what? STUDENT FUNCTION. I hit send. She snorts from across the table. Yeah, I didnt think shed buy it. We dont go to the same school. Dylan sounds like hes holding in a chuckle. I glance his way to see him and his brother give each other the look that Lora and I usually exchange when somethings going on. Ziah? Mom leans forward. Her in a chair at her own restaurant is a bit of a miracle. Yes? I lean forward, and Dad nearly tips his chair back trying to get out of the way. Guess theres sort of a mood around the table. Now Im getting the glare of death from Mom. Perfect. Does everyone think Im so immature that Im overreacting this badly to a wedding? I mean, Im not for it, and I think theyre making a huge mistake, but seriously. I slump down in my chair and make a point of shoving my phone into my pocket so Lora can see. Neither of them asks why my days sucking. At the same time, opening my mouth to say that James at some point hooked up with Alyssa or is maybe still hooking up with Alyssa I wish I had more champagne. Dylan leans toward me, and I breathe in like an idiot. Having fun? He so knows Lora and I were texting. I dont make eye contact, just lean back. Anger is better than hurt. Wheres your armrest? Armrest? The one decorated likenevermind. He knows who I am. I could see it across the table before I sat down. He stops. Hes probably counting back girls to remember who on Earth he was with. Have you been thinking about me, Hanes? He chuckles. You wish. Hanes? I open my mouth to ask as my fingers twitch, as I wonder what the chances are of my getting a refill on my champagne glass. Maybe. Hes smiling like this is all some big joke. Its not a joke. I dont want to think about him, and I dont want him to want me to think about him. I also dont want Lora to get married. And I dont want Alyssa to be with James. The thought of it digs at my chest. And this hot guy is just messing with me for fun. Wait. I turn to face him. What did you call me? What? Ha. Ive thrown him. What did you call me? I ask again. He glances up at his brother, whos nuzzling Loras neck again. Gag. Maybe Alyssa and James did that. Maybe they hated that I was in the middle of what they wanted. I swear my stomach is turning inside out. I can always eat. Always. But I have zero appetite tonight. Dylan stares at his plate for a sec, looking almost sad? Mad? I do not want to feel bad for this guy. Hes on the enemy side. I dont know whats going on, and I need air. My chair scoots back so fast, I almost tip over. Moms eyes are on me. Ladies room, I spit out as I almost trip over myself getting around the table. Whats my problem? Its just Lora and some hot guy, and James and Alyssa. And just Hanes. What does that mean? If hot party-guys brother is ready to settle down, what does that say about the guy who was supposed to be solid and steady, and who apparently hooked up or something with Alyssa? He has things he needs to apologize for, and shes my best friend! Tears start pushing at my eyes, but I dont want to cry. I actually wore mascara.

I lean over the sink and stare at myself in the mirror. Okay. I have to pull it together. Grow up, Ziah, Loras voice echoes in the small space. I spin to face her. How doesnt she get Im upset about way more than her stupid wedding? I open my mouth to tell her about James, but I cant do it. Shes been with me all afternoon and hasnt asked once about what has me down. Instead I jump to offense. Ive met Dylan. You do NOT want to be part of that family. Is it for the money? Because Im stopping myself from slapping you right now. Lora yells. Im in love, Ziah. Deal with it and get your ass back to the table please. Its weird. And with that she turns and walks out. I leap out to follow her, so itll look more like we just had a little girl talk and less like my sisters pissed. We both find our smiles before making it back to the table, and our foods there. Something to do. Too bad Im not sure if I can eat, because Moms restaurant rocks. All comfort food with a gourmet twist. Zilas Half me (Ziah) and half my sister (Lora). Im a little too proud that my part of the name comes first. But now that I have my meal, the mac and cheese with bacon just looks like lumps, and Im not sure if Ill be able to swallow it down. So. We have one more small announcement. Lora smiles, but Derrick has this really odd, nervous look on his face. I knew it! Youre pregnant, arent you! The words fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop them. Dylan tenses next to me. Dad chokes. Dylans dad coughs. Mom throws me another knock-it-off look around the front of Dad. God. Ziah. No. Lora rolls her eyes. Drop it with that already, would you? Right. I may have brought it up this afternoon while buried under a stack of bridal magazines. Were taking winter semester off to plan the wedding and spend some time with our families! Derrick touches her cheek again. Both Mom and Dad stiffen, and I sit back because I wont need to say anything now. The voices around the table reach an odd level of tense excitement I plan on tuning out. Mom and Dad might be relaxed about a lot of things, but graduating from college is not optional. Not if you want to be on speaking terms with them. I close my eyes and wonder what on earth went wrong with James and me. How could he have wanted more from me, when something was happening with him and Alyssa? I want to talk to her so badly, but I cant. Shes one of the guilty parties. Finally the voices at the table are animated enough that I open my eyes. Dylans just sitting back like I am and letting it happen. Huh. Maybe hes not into this whole wedding thing either. Oh. Of course. One girl for the rest of his brothers life. Dylan probably cant imagine thatit would probably be like going without air for someone like him. Dads talking. Moms talking. Dylans dad is talking, and Derrick and Lora look like theyre being pounced on. Ha. Thatll teach them. Wait. What? Dylans leaning so far forward hes about to lose his chair. Did I just hear what I think I heard? Oh. Crap. Maybe I should have been paying attention. I know Ziahs in. Loras smile is way too forced, and her green eyes are on mine. We plan on jumping in again tomorrow over her favorite muffins. Im sure shes trying to give me some clue by stressing favorite muffins, but Im not in the frame of mind to figure it out. Im sorry, what? In what? What am I supposed to be in? Dylan looks equal parts pissed and disbelieving. Helping plan the wedding. I swear her smile stretches even farthersomething I didnt think was possible until a minute ago. I choke, which turns into a cough, which turns into a giggle. And then into one of those giggle fits theres no way Im getting out of. I know I let loose a couple of snorts, and the more everyone looks, the harder I laugh. Its just so absurd. Ill be about as helpful as a twelve-year-old boy. And my emotions are so mixed up, my body has no idea how to react anymore. The thought of spending any more time looking at another overly floofed wedding dress makes me want to pukeespecially because I feel like I sort of lost my friend and my boyfriend in one text. Ill be okay, I say, as I wave my hand in front of my face trying to calm down, but my voice comes out all whiny because I cant stop laughing. Me. Plan a wedding. Right. Math I can do. Dissecting pigs for biology I can do. Wedding? I dont thread needles. I cant even make mac and cheese, and no one would ever ask me for my handwriting on a sign at school. I dont do dresses, and I dont understand weddings. Then Dads hand touches me as he rubs my back up and down, and I finally start to calm down. The whole table staring at my red face sobers me further. Please, Lora mouths at me across the table. I sit up and pull in a few breaths. Yea. Im in. I give her a look that says she SO owes me later, but Im still taking odd breaths to keep my hysterics in check. Umm, Im not, Dylan pipes up. What do you mean, help plan a wedding? Cant you pay someone for that? First you spring this on me, and then you expect me to jump onboard and be a designated wedding planner? You can pick your own flowers.

He leans back in the chair and crosses his arms. His words come out angry, but the way he looks at his brother its almost as if hes hurt. I feel a little bad for him, but I dont want to feel bad for the guy who ruined my favorite T-shirt and threw the party that changed everything between me and James. Dylan We want to do this together. With your help. Youre my brother. I need you by my side in this. Even I wouldnt be able to say no to the way Derricks looking at him. Bet he trapped my sister with that same look. I could swear I notice Dylan shaking. What is he thinking? I never would have expected hed be this upset. Well talk about it later, their dad jumps in. Dad clears his throat and makes a few more comments about how Lora had better keep on track, and that taking a semester off is a big deal. Theyre back to a normal level of conversation, and Im back to my food and planning in my head how Im going to make Lora pay for what shes about to do to me. I dont look at Dylan while I eat. I just sit and eat Well, nibble. Mom, Dad, Derrick, Lora, and Dylans dad are all chatting like no one freaked out, like no ones getting married way too young and taking a semester off of school. Dylan is just as silent as me. *** The moment I can get away with it, I hide in the kitchen. Moms there minutes later, afraid to leave her cooks for too long. Can I have the car and go home? I ask. Say goodbye to your sister first. I dont mean to, but I snort. Come on, Ziah. You could have at least tried to be nice after Derrick overheard you calling your sister stupid for wanting to get married. I slump in my chair that sits at my favorite little corner of Moms kitchen, because it wasnt just that. Lora knows me. Shes always the first person to know when bad things happen, and she didnt even ask. She just assumed I was upset because of her. Being engaged has already turned her into a self-centered bridezilla. Fine. And wedding planning, watching those two together. Gag. Hurt pushes into my heart. I dont want to be around anyone in love after losing James. It just sucks. I open my mouth twice to say something about James and Alyssa, but nothing comes out. I blink away a few tears as I leave the kitchen. Theres a small area outside to eat, but most people dont go out in the winter because its too cold. When I step out, I almost run into Dylans back before stopping. His eyes are on Derrick and Lora holding hands and standing close in front of Derricks car. The thing is, she looks happy. In love. I dont want her to look happy or in love. Crap, I say under my breath. I know right now even though Im in shock over her skipping out of her next semester of college and pissed that she couldnt see past herself to know something else was going on with me and not happy about her getting married. Like everything Lora wants me to be sucked into, Im going to get sucked into this. Yeah. I hear ya, Dylan whispers almost next to me. I jump and then swallow because I cant find words with him so close. Why do the assholes have to be so hot? Not jumping with joy for the happy couple? Jumping in my car and getting the hell out here. He flips his keys in his hand. Ditto. Guess Ill be seeing you around. He shrugs and walks off. Guess so.

Seven ~Dylan~

My brother is an ass. First, he has me playing the part of some chump in a romantic comedy by declaring me one of his wedding planners. It pisses me off. He knows how I feel about the marriage, and now he wants me to play opposite the part of whatever chick is playing in rom-coms these days. Oh, and of course he chose to spring it on me at the engagement dinner because he knew I couldnt freak out too much. And second, hes been locked in the room with Lora for hours. Yep, he gets engaged and suddenly gets to play house and have his girl stay over. Guess where that leaves me? I get to be the one to go pick up my future sister-in-law who happens to be the angriest girl Ive ever met. Or at least she was last night. I have visions of her going home after the dinner sticking pins in her Derrick and Dylan voodoo dolls. And its all so he can get laid. What other reason would there be for me to pick Ziah up, bring her home, and then all of us to leave and go play wedding planner? My brother has been back a day, and he already doesnt feel like my brother anymore. Its like hes already forgotten about us and our pact. I pull up in front of Ziahs house. After glancing at my cell, I toss it on the seat. Im right on time, so I honk the horn and wait for her to come out. Shes out the door about ten seconds later, scowl in place, but stops dead in her tracks about twenty feet from my Hummer. Im not going to roll down the window. Im not going to roll down the window. I roll down the window. What? More scowling. Im not riding in that thing. What? Why? Its ridiculous! Its Shes gesturing and looks stunned or something. Shes cool as hell. Get in the car, Hanes, or Im leaving. She humphs before crossing her arms and walking to the passengers side. I watch as she climbs up and in. Her feet automatically come up, and she rests them on the dash. What are you doing? Why would you put your feet on Mary? Whats wrong with this girl? Shes a nutcase. You named your car? She rolls her eyes. Of course you named your car. But she puts her feet down, and I swipe my hand across the nonexistent foot-marks on the dash. What do you mean of course I named my car? Five seconds with this girl, and Im already a million times more annoyed than I was before. Nothing. She has her face practically plastered to the window so she doesnt have to look at me as I drive. I turn up the music, hoping itll drown out her moodiness. Two can play at this game. Though for her, Im pretty sure its not a game, and she actually hates me. What did I ever do to her? Nothing. Girls are just crazy, and my brother is getting himself tied up in the craziness. Hes screwed if Lora is as pissy as her sister. I glance over at her. Shes still looking out the window. She has her hair tied up in a ponytail thing, which would not be hot if it werent for the one little strand of hair that fell down. The air from the heater makes it brush against her cheek, and something makes me want to reach out and slide the silky strands through my fingers before I tuck it behind her ear. Apparently its not girls who are crazy. Its me. Theres seriously something wrong with me. Weve gotten along all of about two seconds of the times weve seen each other, yet Im fantasizing about playing with her hair? Its something Derrick would do with Lora. As much as I try, I cant seem to make myself focus on the road. The music isnt distracting me like it should. I cant even find it in myself to think about my dumb ass brother and how hes doing a douche-bag thing getting married and dragging me along for the ride. Against my better judgment, I turn down the radio. Just curious, but is there a quota of hours you have to spend mad, and youre behind? You dont have to play catch up every time youre with me, you know. Her head whips around, that little lock of hair flying with it. What? Im not mad, and you dont have to be a jerk. Shes going to be pissed, but I cant help it, I laugh. Whats so funny? She turns sideways in the seat, and I swear I see a hint of a smile. Shes trying to hide it, but I see all. You not mad. Thats got to be the funniest thing Ive ever heard.

Maybe its just you, ever think of that? Maybe you bring it out in me? Aww, I think thats the nicest thing youve ever said to me. Her mad face is breaking, and the smile is peeking through more. Dont smile, youll ruin it. If you smile now, Im going to know you dont really hate me. That youre madly in love with me but too scared to admit it. She freezes, and I know shes about to blow. I dont do love, and if I did, it definitely wouldnt be with you. She crosses her arms again and goes back to staring out the window and pretending to be interested in streets she sees every day. I dont try to talk to her anymore. It makes for a long ride back home, especially when I cant stop myself from wondering why shes anti-love all of a sudden. She looked pretty happy with that guy at the party. Are they together? Did they break up? Why do I give a shit? I jump out of Mary when we get home. Ziah is right behind meher lips still glued shut as I let her in the house. Theyre in Derricks room. Theyve been in there since last night. If I know my brother, theyll be in there for a while. What? She finally speaks. Lora called and said we were going as soon as we got here. I shrug, but to my surprise, Derrick and Lora start walking down the stairs holding hands. Nice. Pushed to the side again. Derrick and Lora come out for Ziah, but I havent seen him since last night. You guys ready? Derrick asks, a cheesy smile on his face. No, Ziah and I say at the same time. I glance over at her and give her a nod. At least we agree on one thing. Ziah! Lora hisses. Im kidding, Lora. Lora smiles, but Im confused as to why. Even I can tell Ziahs lying, and I dont know her very well. Whats the plan? If she can pretend to care, I guess I should, too. Derrick starts babbling about how were just going to lunch today. Apparently Lora likes to make lists, and she needs all our help to write one for all the crap theyre going to make us do. How much is there to do? I mean, do we really need a specific lunch date just to make a list? I dont know about them, but that sounds ridiculous to me. I mean, I can stay here, and you guys can just give me the list later. Ill take one for the team like that. Hey! Thats not fair! If I have to go, you have to go, too! Ziah gives me the evil eye. Sorry, I thought of it first. Which means youre the only one who can do it? She turns toward me, and her hands go to her hips. I have a whole lot of stuff going on that Stop! Lora yells. Both Ziah and I shut up. Shes not looking like the sweet, hot- chocolate-making sister right now, and I start to see where Ziah gets her attitude. You guys are being ridiculous! Ziah, she turns to her sister. Its not like I ask a lot of you. This is important to me, and I want to share it with you. If thats too much to ask And you, Derrick shoves me. Of course, Ziah only gets a look, and I get shoved. Stop being an ass. What else would you be doing? Going out with one of the girls you never want to see again? You can do that shit later. Im your brother. Stop acting like a douche-bag. Me? Im the douchebag? Hes the one who doesnt want anything to do with me unless its to put me to work on the wedding Im trying to save him from. I look over at Ziah for support, but her eyes look watery. She turns away from all of us, and Im not sure anyone notices but me. Youre right. Im sorry. Can I use the bathroom before we go? she asks before she sniffs. Somethings definitely up. Ill show you where it is, I say. She doesnt say a word to me as I show her where the bathroom is. I dont really feel like talking either, but part of me is curious whats going on. She may be pissy, but shes the only ally I have in this. A few minutes later, were all piled in Derricks car, Ziah and I in the backseat. Shes looking out the window again, and I find myself wondering whats wrong. Is it just the wedding? I mean, thats enough because its a hell of a big thing, but Im guessing theres more. I watch as her eyes drift forward to look at Lora. A couple times she shakes her head, and others she just looks sad. Looks like Im not the only one getting ditched by the lovebirds up front. Im surprised when he doesnt slow down as we approach our pizza place. Um did you forget where we eat? I thump Derrick in the back of the head. Im not really in the mood for pizza. Lora jumps in. We can go eat pizza if you guys want. Im cool with anything. Her words are nice and all, but they kind of feel like shes throwing me a consolation prize. And even though I really want some damn pizza, Im not taking it.

Nah, its cool. We can eat wherever. A few minutes later we pull up at a little Mexican restaurant. Derrick and Lora sit on one side of the booth, and Ziah and I on the other. While were waiting for our food to arrive, Lora pulls out her trusty pen and paper. Okay, so were thinking one of the first things we need to do is visit a few venues to decide where the wedding should take place. The word venue makes me want to laugh for some reason. Since youre the ones taking the plunge, dont you think you should pick the place? D! Derrick gives me his pissed-off look. I agree with him, Ziah jumps in. Ha! Seriously, though, Im not trying to be a jerk, but I dont see how were supposed to help with this one. Or anything, but I dont say that. We have a big list of places we want to visit. Itll take too much time, so we figure we could split the list, you two go and we can go. You guys can take pictures, write down all the price information and stuff, and it will help give us something to go on. Lora looks like she practiced that speech in front of the mirror like a million times. Why cant I go with you? Ziah asks. Lora looks stumped by that question. I have the urge to give Ziah a high five. Lora looks over at Derrick, and I lean closer to Ziah. The surgery to separate them would take too long. We wouldnt want the wedding postponed, would we? She chuckles. I lean back in the seat. Im cool with going with Ziah. Lora smiles. Derrick nods at me, but Ziahs head whips around. What? Excuse us for a second. I start to nudge Ziah out of the booth, and shes looking at me like shes wondering what the hell Im doing. But she goes. When we get to the hallway by the restrooms, I stop her. You like talking about my brother? She crosses her arms. No. Good. I dont like talking about your sister either. We separate them, and Im pretty sure were going to want to chop our own ears off before long. At least if we do this together, we dont have to watch Derrick pant around after her with his tail between his legs while Lora plays the sugar plum fairy filled with sugar and spice and everything nice. And as the words come out, Im wondering why Im bothering with this. It would be a lot easier to talk my brother out of getting married if hes detached from his girl. Instead I find myself, once again, determined to make Ziah smile. Shes close, but doesnt do it. Damn, shes a tough sale. Fine, but this doesnt mean I like you. News flash, but youre not exactly my favorite person either. Even though I do want to touch that one stupid strand of hair, just so I know what it feels like. And even though I just put us in a position to be spending a lot of time together. I need to pull back away from this girl. Look. I think you and I could work about a million times faster than those two. We can take pictures and pretend to play nice. Not a bad plan if I do say so myself. Okay. I can do that. She nods. Good. We head back toward the table. As we walk around the corner, I see Derrick nuzzling Loras neck. I sort of want to puke again, but its Ziah who freezes, her whole body going still as though she is unable to move. She gasps a little like it actually hurts her to see them or something. I mean, I definitely dont like seeing them together, but it seems different with her. Hey you okay? You dont seem like yourself. Not that I know what herself actually is, but it works. She bites her lip and turns to look at me. How did you And then like she changes her mind she says, Nothing. Im fine, before stomping back to the table. I pray to God she didnt bring her voodoo dolls with her.

Eight ~ Ziah ~

Christmas passes in a blur of me trying not to think about James and Alyssa or Derrick and Lora, or what its going to be like to go back to school with them and plan a wedding that Im not sure should even happen. Im still pissed at Lora because freaking Dylan noticed somethings wrong with me while shes still running around clueless. At this point, Im not telling her out of principle. *** Two days after Christmas, Im almost home from my run when I see James on my porch. I want to turn around and run away, but two things stop me. First off, Im stronger than that. And second he saw me. I slow to a walk, wondering what on Earth Im going to say to him when we get close. I dont know what happened, and I dont want to know. The whole thing makes me sick, and its all bottled up inside me because I cant talk to Alyssa, and my sisters too busy with Derrick. James voice pulls me into the present. Ziah, I You do not want to hear what I have to say right now. I point at him and push past where hes standing on the sidewalk. How long has he been standing this close? And wow, I just sounded way tough. No, no. I do. Let me have it. Say anything you want. He keeps pace with me. Anything so we can be back to the way we were. Hes been crying, no doubt. Tell me everything. I stop to stare. He needs to say what actually happened, all of it. I told you already, he pleads. I texted you everything. Right. The texts I didnt read. Well. What would you say if I said Id talked to Alyssa? I havent talked to Alyssa, of course. I havent read texts or email, but I figure right now my best option is to pretend I have. His jaw drops. My heart rips a little further. Its bad. More than once? Many times? Im confused as to why he still wants me. Yeah. Thats what I thought. I run up my porch steps and push open the front door. Ziah, please What? What else do you want from me, James? Youve already crushed me. Theres nothing left. She was drunk, Ziah. And you dont pull on me like that anymore. Like you really want me. I knew it was stupid. And it was just one time. I swear. When I was dropping her off. Oh. Right. The night of the party; I really should have put that one together. I spin to face him, keeping the now half-closed door between us. She pulled on him. Her. On him. He kissed her. I knew half this already, but now I have something to formulate a picture, and it kills me. I dont want to talk to you, James. I dont love you enough to stay together, and Im trying to decide if I even like you enough to stay friends. I slam the door in his face and cry because this should have never happened. And then I cry because James and Ziah are no longer, and because my sister hasnt even asked. Its been more than a week, and she hasnt asked where hes been or how we are. And then I cry even more because I want to talk to Alyssa. I miss her. Im so stupid. Why the hell would anyone want to be in love? Why would anyone want to be married? Im in my empty house, and I pace as tears stream down my face. What do I do? Its not even like I have anyone I can talk to. My phone beeps. ALYSSA: WE NEED TO TALK. Oh. Right. James must have called her. This sucks. Now Im ready to just A knock at the door makes me jump. Crap. Who? Oh no. Dread sinks further. Dylan. Stupid wedding location number one, and I forgot.

I take a few deep breaths, but my throat is still ten times its normal size and my cheeks are wet from tears. My hands swipe my face over and over as I pull open the door. Dylans eyes widen when he sees me. I must look really bad. Look. But the word comes out all whiny and just talking makes my body want to cry again. I fan my face, but it doesnt help. Not a good time. Please. Im sorry. Holy Ziah. What happened? I shake my head. Being humiliated at my own house alone is bad enough, but in front of Dylan? A million times worse. Hes one of the untouchable guys. Wellfor a girl like me. The fact that were forced to be around each other doesnt mean someone like him would ever choose to be here. Is anybody home? He looks over my shoulder, probably hoping he can get an easy escape. That someones here to help the ridiculous crying girl. I start to say no but just shake my head. My breath is coming in these weird, gaspy chokes, and I cant seem to make it stop. He waits a second and then his face changes. Like hes determined. Get your ass out here. You dont have to talk. Lets just Mary makes everything better. He smirks, but he looks like hes really trying hard. Im such a loser idiot. I let him take my hand and lead me to his car. I even climb in without giving him any crap over driving such a ridiculous vehicle, and then I realize Im in long running shorts and probably smell. Dylan gets in, turns to face me, and settles lower in the seat. Wanna talk or whatever? Or no? His words sound almost painful. This has to be a million miles from what hed normally do. Lora didnt even see. Tears start running down my face again as I stare out his windshield She knows me better than anyone, and she didnt even see. Sorry, Ziah. For whatever. I shake my head. Can I take you to a friends house or something? And then I shake in a sob, one I hope I can keep from turning into more. No. Shes This sucks so bad, I cant even say it. My bodys doing this weird quivering thing, and I pull in another breath, and I cant believe I have to do this with HIM because I have no one else to talk to. I think, since your party. Shes been weird and so has James, and Oh, shit. He knows. Of course he does. Theyve been weird for like two months, and I didnt see it. But in just a few words, hes caught on. Im such an idiot. I shake my head and wipe my face again. Dont. Its just. It is what it is, but it makes the whole wedding thing Even worse. He shifts in his seat and starts the car. And Lora doesnt know? Pre-occupied. And as I breathe in again, my body relaxes. Not a ton. But a bit. Enough that I think I might be able to hold myself together for a while. I hate that my own sister hasnt looked past her wedding since shes been home. Dylan runs a hand over his hair. Thats one way of saying they barely come up for air. I start to put a foot on the dash like I always do but stop and pull my knees to my chest instead. Im sorry. I just I mean, he just left, and I just found out. And Nah. Its cool. I got screwed out of pizza the other day, so well get pizza. If we get around to the bullshit museum thing they want us to do, well do it. If not, we can both claim bonding time or some stupid shit like that. Cool? Bonding shit, huh? I almost laugh. Almost. Youre about to crack a smile already. Damn Im good. He flicks on the radio. The Neon Trees. I love that song, I say at the same time he says, I love this band. Jinx, he says as his thumbs tap the steering wheel to the beat. Wait? What? You cant say jinx unless you say the exact same thing! Everyone knows that. Um, yeah I can. Dylans Hummer. Dylans rules. His blue eyes find mine, and he gives me a ridiculous smirk. I shake my head. Okay, then you cant say jinx unless its 1995. Dork. Maybe I can just hang with hot party guy. And maybe Ill be able to function even though the guy who should be my boyfriend is with my should-be best friend. I wipe the last few tears off my cheeks. Shh. My rules, remember? You cant talk until the song is over.

And we just sit and listen. Marys seats are so wide I can pull my legs into cross-legged position. Its not perfect and my chest still feels a bit caved out, but I also feel like Ill survive it. *** Okay, are you kidding me? I ask as we stop. The pizza place is sandwiched between a laundromat and a pull-tab convenience store. Dont ya trust me? he teases. I Not really, no. But I am totally distracted. Come on. He opens his door. Your car is taking up two parking spaces, I point out. He shrugs. Yeah. We were lucky to get two close together. You can be such a jerk. And I can breathe, which is more than I thought Id be able to do an hour ago. He chuckles. Its parking spaces, Ziah. Dont be such a drama queen. He shuts his car door and starts around the front of Mary for mine. I jump out before he gets to my side. Im not sure why I didnt just let him get my door. It feels like I forced him on a date or somethingthough, really its our brother and sister who have forced us on a date, or an outing, or whatever this is. I follow him inside, and the cashier leans his elbows on the counter. Sup, Lil D. Lil D? Im trying to hold in my laughter, but my bodys shaking anyway. This is so perfect. The crappiness from earlier is fading away fast. Im sure itll come crashing in again at some point but not right now. Dylan cringes. He turns toward me. This is my brothers friend Hank. And I dont even let my brother get away with calling me that. He tags Hank in the shoulder across the counter without looking. All right. Dylan. Hank rolls his eyes at me. What can I get for ya? Do you trust me to order for us? Dylan asks. We could get my favorite. Crap. Im chewing on my lip, and hes staring. He must think Im crazy. Im curious to see what Lil D gets on his pizza. He shakes his head. Im only lettin you get away with that because I wait for a moment and then finish for him. Cause Im a mess? I offer. Hank leans forward. Im guessing you both want a drink? Yeah. I nod. Thatll be twenty. Hanks pushes a few buttons on the register. What? Dylan chuckles. How about you hook me up since you just gave her some ammo with that stupid-ass nickname my brother started. Hank laughs. The problem here, Dylan, is I run a small pizza place, and you live in one of the biggest houses in Portland. Im totally exploiting you, and youre lucky you can get a pizza for less than fifty bucks. He turns and hands the order through the window to the kitchen. And you have to move that ridiculous beast of a car you insist on driving. I cant have you taking up two spaces. Ill move my car when I get my pizza. Dylan laughs. He grabs me a Dr. Pepper from the fridge and himself a Pepsi. He holds the soda out to me. I guessed cause its what your sister drinks. Thanks. This has been very informative, Lil D, I tease, as I take my soda from him. He lets out a dramatic sigh. Please, not you, too. O-kay. I mimic his dramatic sigh. But just remember its back there for blackmail. You gonna cut me any slack? His crooked smile is one of the many things that melted me at the party, and no guy should be giving me happy tingles just after I slammed the door in Jamess face. I dont know. Maybe. And were standing here, and Im lighter every minute. Perfect. His voice is dry, but a corner of his mouth pulls up. Dylan holds open the door. Its not raining, we should be outside. Agreed. I follow him out the door. *** Our legs are stretched out on Marys hood. Bits of sunshine paired with the black surface makes it feel almost like summer. The Willamette River is in front of us, and we have a view of a few of the bridges that stretch across the water.

Dylans favorite pizza is pretty awesomedouble pepperoni, ham, and olives. So. He takes another bite. Im assuming youre a college girl. Where you headed? Undecided. Im pre-med, and there are a lot of places I could go. Ive applied like, everywhere. Cool. Im, umpre-law. I choke on my bite of pizza. Pre-law? So, really youre a brainiac like me, but youre disguised as a hot party guy? My cheeks heat up the moment the words are out. I drop my pizza and put my hands on my cheeks, hoping to cool them down. Wow, Hanes, was that a compliment? He nudges my arm with his elbow. Oh, come on. I shake my head. Youre not going to argue with me on that point, are you? Maybe if I play it off as his conceit rather than how I feel, it wont be a big deal. Lets just say Im holding onto that one for blackmail. Of course he is. But seriously? Its what my dad does, and I get it. Its like the law is this strict guideline. But really, its so bendable, you know? If youre smart about it. I like the idea of all the motions, and the back and forth that happens between firms working on the same case. He takes another bite, so relaxed. Plus, Im kickass at arguing and getting my way. I have to laugh at his honesty. And Im sort of in shock because a part of me felt hed be a guy who did nothing. I bet his dad has enough money for him to get away with it, too. But hes not going to do nothinghes going to do something big. Im getting into medicine because of my dad. He decided to teach instead of practicing. I want to practice. Probably pediatrics, but Im not sure yet. I have a way long time to think about it. So, were both after the big degrees, he says. Yeah. We both are. But on opposite sides of what they offer. Maybe. He shrugs. It sort of sums up Dylan and me. Not that there is a Dylan and me. But its like were similar, and were not. Im okay to cry in front of him, although Im still embarrassed about it, and were both unhappy about this wedding. Then hes the big mansion, hot party guy with the model friends, and Imwell, the opposite of that. Before I have a chance to process how much times gone by, the citys turning dark, and Im not sure what to do. Ill take you home, he says. What? Youre looking around like youre trying to figure out how to get rid of me, he teases as he slides off the hood. He stands underneath me and holds his hand out to help me down. My heart starts to beat all crazy, which means Im completely ridiculous because its just a hand. I take it and land way too close to him. And his blue eyes are too close and his warmth is too close and he smells so, so good. And when he steps away, its like my legs are weak, proving that I really need to be careful around this guy. So, today we call bonding time, and maybe well get together again for the museum, cross something off that stupid, damn list. He sucks in the last word. Sorry, I know its your sisters. Her lists are ridiculous. No worries here. I know you dont know me or anything, but you really should talk to your sister about all this mess with the friend and the guy and everything. I blow a loose strand of hair off my face. Maybe. I know hes right, and I know Im stubborn and want her to come to me. But Im also stubborn enough to wait on her for a while longer. Dylan pauses looking at me more intently than I expect. He shakes his head like I do when Im trying to get past one thought into another. No maybe. Dylan knows his shit. Besides, if youre able to get them to separate for longer than a bathroom break, Ill call you a miracle worker. It sounds like a challenge. Youre on.

Nine ~Dylan~

I cant get over how weird yesterday was. I mean, it started because I cant stand to see a girl cry. When Ziah was all teary and mopey, I did the only thing any guy wouldI tried to distract her so the tears would stop. Im not the best with the whole opening up thing, but I figured pizza always works with me. So I gave it a shot. And it actually wasnt so bad. Not like I think were friends or anything, but for a little while, I actually forgot I was just trying to distract her. Granted, today Ill do everything in my power to make myself remember it was just distraction. Shes still the angry chick whose sister is ripping my brother away from me. And who also has an idiot of an exboyfriend. Lil D! Open up. Something pounds against my bedroom door. Go away! I yell back at Derrick. Im still pissed at him about this whole thing, and honestly, Im not even sure what to say to him anymore. Its weird hanging out with him now, and I never expected it to be like that. No. He pushes inside. Dont make me kick your ass again. He laughs, and I roll over to ignore him. Come on. Get dressed. Were hanging out for a while. I look up to see hes already dressed in a pair of cargo shorts and a button up shirt. Oh, so you have time for me today? You pried your lips away from Lora long enough to talk with your brother? Still, I find myself pushing up and getting out of bed. Derrick rolls his eyes. Grow up and come on. Youre acting like a five-year-old. I choose to ignore that. This is his fault, not mine. Once Im in my bathroom, I strip and take a quick shower. When Im ready, I jog down the stairs, half expecting to see Derrick and Lora surgically re-attached, but luckily, shes not here. So whats up? Why do you suddenly have time for me? Derrick groans. Seriously, youre starting to piss me off. I grab an apple out of the bowl and take a bite. What a coincidence. Youre doing the same thing to me. He doesnt reply, but grabs his keys off the counter. I follow him, eating the apple as we go. Ill never admit it, but Im excited to spend the day with him. Im so over all this wedding stuff and just want to pretend things are the way they used to be. We head to the driving range, which may sound like something eighty-year-olds do, but golfing is the shit. When Dad makes time for us, thats almost always what we do. Over two buckets of balls, we challenge each other to see who can drive the farthest. Once were out of balls, we head to the pizza place, and I pray to God they dont tell him I was here with Ziah yesterday. I dont know why, but I dont want him to know I actually dont hate her guts. It might come in handy later. Luckily, Hanks at lunch, which is ironic as hell, if you ask me, since he works at a pizza place. We have our specialty, drink way too much soda, and then I beat him at a few video games. It feels like old times. I can almost forget theres a Ziah or a Lora. I can pretend hes just here on break and not taking time off from school. I can forget that the one person who was there for me when our family fell apart has hardly had the time of day for me. I can almost forget that Ive ever doubted the Gibson Boys. Right now, its still just us, and nothing is going to tear us apart like it did when I was younger. Where do you want to go next? Derrick asks as we drive through town. I dont know. It makes me sound like a pussy, but I suddenly want to think of something else so we can keep hanging out. Wanna hit the mall? Dads birthday is coming up. We need to get him something. Derrick nods as he pulls onto the freeway. The car is quiet for a few minutes before he says, Listen, Dyl, I wanted to talk to you about something real quick. Yeah? I ask, flipping with the knobs, just assuming its going to be something stupid. Loras having a really hard time with Ziah being so against the wedding, and you treating her like you do She thinks you dont like her or something. I was thinking I fight a groan. That youd hang out with me like old times just to suck up before you pounce on me to make your girl feel better? I shake my head, suddenly feeling like punching my brother more than I ever have.

What? No. I just thought this would be a good chance to bring it up. Yeah sure. Its stupid, but I feel like Im locked out of whats going on again. That Im in my room alone while Dad loses it, Derrick tries to cover for him and Mom is just gone. No one ever tells me whats going on. All I know is theyre out there, and Im in here. Alone. Hell, maybe I am a wuss. You know thats not how it is. Actually, I dont, but whatever. You know what? I forgot I had something to do. Lets just go home. He doesnt even argue. *** Ziahs ridden the whole way to the museum in silence, and even though Im trying not to be, Im pissed about Derrick. I dont say a word to her because Ive been known to be a jerk when Im in a bad mood. Of course she has her hair up again, and I not only have to see that little strand hanging down but also her neck. Its a nice neck. I like kissing necks, and I suddenly want to kiss hers. What the hell is wrong with me? I slam Marys door and then just get mad at myself. Its not her fault Derricks a jerk. I walk to the other side of the Hummer and wait for Ziah to climb down. Silence still weighing on us, we head inside. Hey. She touches my arm. I may or may not enjoy that innocent touch way too much. Its like ever since I first noticed that piece of hair, followed by our semi-normal day yesterday, I cant stop thinking insane stuff about her. Are you okay? She smiles. No, no Im not. Yeah, just wondering who the hell would want to get married in a museum. I didnt know people did that. You didnt? If I agreed with this wedding, I would actually think its cool. It was my idea. Oh. Leave it to me to insult her. I mean, its cool Actually, unique. Yeah, unique. Ziah laughs all high-pitched. No, you think its lame, and thats okay. Stop trying to be nice. Two days in a row is going to scare me. This time, I laugh with her. I dont know why, but I enjoy the little reminder that I helped her feel better yesterday. Me. And not because Im rich or because Im a good kisser, which is usually the way I help girls. It justwas. Yeah, I definitely dont want to look like a nice guy. Thanks for saving me on that one. She smiles at me again and then does this girly, hip-bump thing to me. Come on, lets look around. Umm, who is this, and what happened to angry Ziah? Obviously in her element, she leads me around. I snap pictures here and there for my loser brother with Ziahs phone because I left mine in Mary. She wants shots of every angle and every freaking inch of the place. Its crazy because I know shes not any more excited about this wedding than me, but shes one of those girls that if shes going to do something, shes going to do it right. I can understand that. Kind of. After an hour, Im not sure how much more there is to photograph. Youd think you were the one getting married. Youd be one of those bridezilla girls wouldnt you? I say it just to get a rise out of her because I know she wouldnt be like that. What? I cant believe you would say that! You know I think this whole thing is stupid. I laugh. Truth hurt? For some reason, joking around with her like this kind of helps me forget about Derrick. No, but Im going to hurt you. I pull her hair like a twelve-year-old and run. She chases me. When did I stop being mad? Get over here, Lil D! I zip by her and pull her hair again. Dont call me that. I take a corner and collide into something. Umph. Four eyes are staring back at me. Okay, not four but a woman old enough to be my grandmother with glasses so thick I think theyre the same as my windshield. Sir and miss. You cannot run in the museum. If I catch you again, Im going to have to ask you to leave. Oh no! Were so sorry, Ziah says before I get the chance to tell the lady if I run again, theres no way she could catch me. When I open my mouth to say so, Ziah gives me this look that makes me snap my mouth closed before she grabs my arm and pulls me away. Youre no fun. You almost got us kicked out. She lets go of my arm and turns to face me.

Which would have been the fun part. Dont you ever break any rules, Hanes? I give her a wink and a smile. Then lean a little closer. Maybe too close. Her feet plant themselves to the floor. Her breath hitches. I actually see the pulse beating in her neck, and I know. Shes looking at me all funny, and suddenly Im breathing faster, too. I notice a tiny scar by her lip and cant help but wonder how it happened. Wonder what it would feel like under my finger. As if we both realize this moment is way too strange, we jump apart. What the hell was that? I step away, and shes still watching me. Wanna look around for fun now? I think you got enough pictures. She nods, looks at the floor, and I cant help but feel like I just let her down somehow. What do you want to look at first? Im game for anything. And Im totally trying to make up for the fact that Im a jerk. Ziah leads me to display after display. Im pretty sure weve looked at everything twice, and as boring as the museum should be, its fun because she keeps making me laugh. Im making her laugh, too. I wonder if this is what it was like for her when I helped her forget about James. If we can somehow make each other forget all the shit thats going on while we plan this stupid wedding. Is this what its like to be just friends with a girl? I like it a lot more than I thought I would. How you doing? I finally ask her as we walk along. You know, with Alyssa and the jerk? Who? Oh. Right. Yeah. He is a jerk. I like your name for him better. She shrugs. When she does, her arm brushes mine, and Im way more aware of it than I should be. Its an arm, for Gods sake. Im okay, I guess. Still trying to sort it all out in my mind. It sucks. She was my best friend I lost them both at the same time. I love how she opens up to me. Im not sure any girl has ever been as honest with me as she is. It makes me want to give her the same thing. You remember Paul? He was the one dancing like an idiot in my kitchen that first night. Anyway, hes an idiot, but hes my boy, too. Weve known each other since we were little. I cant imagine what Id do if he screwed me over like that. She gasps a little, and I worry I said the wrong thing. Were still walking, and it takes her a minute to reply. Yeah, thats why it hurt so much. It was Alyssa, and having her be the one who hurt me sucked. Sucks. You dont need her, though. Not if shes like that. I know my shit. You should always listen to Masta Dylan. She drops her head back and laughs. God, this girl is killing me. I stare at her neck and wonder what it would feel like to kiss it, but then I see Derrick and Lora, Dad on the ground crying, and me wondering what the hell was going on. I shake my head and notice the painting on the wall. Hes incredible. I love this artist, we say at the same time. Okay, we really need to stop having things in common. Its screwing with my head. Yeah, hes great. I step closer. I love art mainly because Im so terrible at it. I cant help but respect people who can do so well what I could never in a million years accomplish. I dont know what makes me open my mouth and say it, but I do. I draw. Sketch, paint a little. Nothing like this, but Now I feel like an idiot. Like Im trying to impress her or something. Yeah, drawing isnt the same thing, I guess. But shes looking at me with those wide eyes, and I can tell, she thinks its something. Id love to see your stuff sometime. I mean, if you dont mind showing me. Yeah? I have one of my sketchbooks in Mary. Want to come see it? What the hell is wrong with me? Its just because you brought up her friend and her ex youre trying to make her feel better. Five minutes later were in the Hummer, and shes looking through one of the books I never let anyone see. These are great, Dylan. Her fingers slide across one of my drawings like its a treasure. Youre really good. Seriously, you should be proud of yourself. I could never do this. Its amazing. Umm Thanks. Shes still looking at my picture, picking the edge of my paper. I totally want to tell her to be careful with it, but I dont. I guess I should take you home. The words come out of nowhere, but I suddenly need some space from her. Yeah, I guess so. It doesnt take us long to get to her house. Were all quiet again until I cant take it anymore. So should I pick you up tomorrow? I think they have some other wedding crap for us to do. I think so at least. One second Im trying to get away because shes too easy to be around, and the next Im trying to find ways to spend more time with her. Ugh stupid wedding. Yeah. I guess so.

Awkward silence, and then she reaches for me. Holy crap, shes going to kiss me! Hanes is totally about to kiss me! Mayday, mayday! I dont think I want her to kiss me. Her arms wrap around me, and its totally a hug. I dont know if Im glad or disappointed. Thanks again For talking and whatever, she says. No problem. I pull out of the warmth of her hug. I definitely need to get out of here. See ya later. See ya, she says, and then shes gone.

Ten ~ Ziah ~

Every time I think about the museum, I get all smiley. Its ridiculous. Im not the kind of girl to get smiley, especially over a guy who is guaranteed to break my heart. Im staring off into space as I sit on one of the bar stools when Lora walks in. What are you doing here? I ask. Dads napping, and Moms at work. The house is quiet, and I figured shed still be with her attachment. Have Imissed something? she asks, her head cocked to the side and her voice quiet. What do you mean? I ask, heart pounding. I mean, I felt like a bad sister earlier when someone said there might be stuff going on with you that has nothing to do with the wedding. She sits on the barstool next to mine, still watching my face. Dylan must have said something. I hate that he did, but its more because thats what it took for my sister to stop and realize its not just the wedding thats thrown me. Who said that? I ask, even though its obvious. Maybe part of me just wants to hear hes looking out for me. I almost leaned over and kissed him last night, and I dont want to kiss him. I mean, I dont want to kiss anyone. He would probably be a great kisser if I did want to kiss someone, but at the same time, my guess is hes had way too much practice. Dylan said you seemed upset, and he wasnt sure if it was wedding stuff or not. She rests her chin on her hand as a show shes not going anywhere. The total suckiness of the past couple weeks slams into me, and I suddenly have to blink back tears. The thought of going back to school with them makes me sick all over again. Ziah. Im so sorry. Whatever it is. I just assumed it was the wedding because you were so upset about that, and I didnt stop to think it might be something else. She puts her arm around me. I start from the beginning, with the party and seeing Dylan and James and Alyssa, and how it all just got out of control. How James got weird after the party, and he and Alyssa were never in the same room. And how I didnt see any of it. It feels like I just lost them both. God, Ziah. You should have told me first thing. I wanted to, but I didnt know how. Instead of answering, I shrug. Is there more? She cringes. You look like youre not done. Theres no point in trying to hide anything now that I know shes going to be watching me, so I tell her about Dylan at the party. The way he looked at me, and the way I felt. Whoa, whoa. She stops rubbing her hand across my back. You noticed Dylan? That way? Yeah, but Okay. So Derrick even said if you were at all interested in Dylan, not to be. He hasnt grown up yet. Loras voice is all authoritative. I knew Derrick was a long-shot when I first started dating him, and hes four years older than Dylan. Im suddenly defensive. Well, Dylan saw something was upsetting me when you didnt. Now I wish shed just run back to Derrick. She sighs. Im sorry, Ziah. I know youre smarter than to get involved with someone like him. And I dont want to fight with you anymore, okay? Lets be happy. Tomorrows cake day, yay! Shes talking quietly, but still manages her Lora enthusiasm, and shes trying really hard to lighten the mood. I want to defend Dylan, but then shed get the wrong impression, and its all the same stuff Ive been telling myself. Im aware that hes not good for me. Im also aware of how I feel when Im around him, and that its probably dangerous. After safe James, no way would I risk myself with someone like Dylan. So. We good? she asks. Half of me really wants to hold on to my frustration, but I miss my sister. Were good. Now I want to know how you met Derrick, just dont ramble on for too long, I tease. I figure this is a good way to say thank you for finally taking some time away from the fianc. Lora laughs and tells me all about the night they met, and how that very first night he said he was going to marry her. How her roommates Karissa and Mardie put

her up to this ridiculous night of things every college girl should do. If I wasnt so opposed to them jumping into a wedding, it would be a pretty swoon-worthy story. She makes Moms hot chocolate, and we fall asleep watching some cheesy Lifetime movie we make fun of until we cant keep our eyes open any longer. Ive missed having my sister around. *** Soft knocking pulls me from the last bits of sleep. Ziah? Loras voice carries through the door. You awake? I am now, I snap. Then I remember were not fighting anymore. I hate to admit Dylan was right, but it felt good to talk to Lora about everything. She gets how sucky it is for me to feel like I was the third wheel with Alyssa and James. Like they might have secretly wanted to be together, and I was in their way. Humiliation doesnt even scratch the surface of that possibility. She tries to point out theyre obviously not together, and it might not hurt to know a little more about the situation. But Im not ready to go there yet. Dont be so grouchy. She pushes into my room with a tray filled with muffins and hot chocolate. This is Lora-speak for Im still sorry. I cant believe you stayed here last night. I rub my eyes as I push the blankets down and sit up. I did grow up here. She sits down with the tray between us and grabs a muffin. Yes. But since then, youve formed an attachment. I smirk. Or another limb, you could call it. Lora rolls her eyes. Just wait. When someone hits you I hold my hand up between us. No. Way. James was like the most loyal guy I know, the most level-headed and good, and look what happened there. No WAY am I doing that again. Who would take the risk? Youll stay single forever? She scoffs as she shoves another heaping bite of muffin into her mouth. No. I grab a chocolate chip muffin. Maybe Ill just start to like girls instead. Crumbs fall out of my mouth as I talk, and we both end up giggling over it. A bit girly and pathetic, but it feels good. Uhhuh Lora smirks. So, whats up? I ask. So, I just got an email that my wedding dress is ready for me try on. Come with me? she asks. And then well do cake? And I may not be a girlie-girl, but everyone wants to see wedding dresses. Well. And everyone should love cake. *** Okay. Lora. No way. I wrap my arms around my waist as she tries to pull me from the dressing room. Beige lace. Strapless. Small black waistband, and short. Like my legs suddenly look ten miles long because the skirt is that short. This was supposed to be her dress fitting. Not mine. I was tricked. Also, as fun as wedding dresses are, its scary to be in a place where all the clothes cost as much as the average house payment. Racks and racks of them. Ziah, you only think its short because you never wear skirts, and your shorts are grandma shorts. She makes a face. I narrow my eyes, unappeased. Karissa and Mardie are both going to wear dresses that are similar but not the same. Itll be fun! Loras brows nearly reach her hairline as she changes tactics and goes for overly cheery. I sigh. Karissa and Mardie are the two girls that set you up with a list of dares that put you in the hospital to get stitches, and whose efforts resulted in your engagement. Am I right? Lora looks wistful instead of defensive. It all came out in the How I Met Derrick stuff last night. If it makes you feel any better, Derrick and Dylan are doing their first fittings today, too. I frown so I dont smile. That does make me feel better. I cant imagine Dylan will enjoy this any more than me. I also make the fatal mistake of loosening my arms enough for Lora to get a good hold and pull me out of the dressing room. Oh! The store-owner peers over her thin glasses. Well, arent you the sexy little thing. And then she gives me a wink like this stupid dress was my idea. I want to growl. Or snarl. Or put my ears back. Unfortunately, Im Ziah and not an animal. Im stuck scowling. The woman disappears into the back room again. Now here. Lora holds me in front of the mirror, and Im stunned for a moment. I dont look like me. I am sexy. The color shows off my tanned skin, and my legs look amazing. Not like they do in shorts, but amazing. Tall. Im tall. She pulls my ponytail up and tucks my hair in, leaving a messy bun. The small wisps of my hair frame my face and make my neck look long. Wow. Im not this girl. Only now I am this girl. I didnt think I could ever be the one who looks too hot to be touched. Wow. Just. Wow.

And here. Lora holds out a pair of platform heels, and I laugh. Yeah. Right. All sexiness would be gone as I plummeted to my death from those heights. Just try them on, okay? She pushes them closer. I want you girls to look pretty, unlike some brides, who are determined to make her bridesmaids fade into the background in cheap satin. I cant walk in those. If you want me to break my leg before your wedding, Ill put them on. But Lora I reluctantly reach out, and the shoes are practically slapped in my hands. If you start practicing now, theyll be fine. Karissa and Mardie picked them out because every girl needs a good pair of black heels. Dont be such a grouch. Cakes next. She grins. Cake? Shes playing dirty again. Cake is like Well, lets just say that if someone were to put enough nutrition in cake for me to stay alive and only eat cake, I would. I forgot we were doing cake. Its the only part of this whole mess that Ive been sort of looking forward to doing. The shock of the dress sort of wiped my brain clean. Shoes? Her smile is too wide. Blackmail. I try to frown, but Im feeling better about Lora and me, so it doesnt come off as mean as I want it to. Im here! Mom steps through the curtain that divides the large changing area from the front of the store. Sorry Im late! Hey, Mom! Lora pulls her into a hug. Im glad you could break away. Lora? Thin-glasses woman is at the edge of the dressing rooms. Ive pulled your dress. Lora half jumps and claps her hands together. You put on the heels, and Im gonna do my dress. Mom. I point to my dress. Her brows go up. Ill talk to her, but you know your sister. You look stunning. And then she just shrugs like its okay for her daughter to be wearing a miniature dress. Shes right, though. Theres no arguing with Lora when shes this determined. I slide my feet into the shoes, but they just feel so wrong. I never wear heels. Ever. All my dress shoes are flats. They fit okay, so I take one small step and then another. And then another. Im doing it. Sort of. But they feel like stilts, not shoes. The mirrored area in the dressing room is large. When people are trying on wedding dresses, I guess it has to be. I make a few laps, still not convinced Ill be able to navigate the aisle without falling. A bit of the sexiness is gone because my balance is crap in the heels, but its good. No way Ill be able to walk down the aisle in these But then Lora steps out of the room in a wedding dress. A wedding dress. I know this should seem all obvious, but it didnt hit me until now. My sisters getting married! Its simple, antiqued lace and slim against her curves. The sleeves go to her elbows, but the cutout in the back is way sexy. The dress looks snug, but it still manages to flow around her as she walks. Its both simple and complex, and every ounce of it is Lora. It also makes my beige lace bridesmaid dress seem more perfect. Youre beautiful. I hold my hands to my mouth. I mean really, seriously, beautiful. Mom wipes back a few tears as she touches the sheer lace of the sleeves. Wow, honey. Lora takes two big swallows as she looks at herself in the mirror. Yeah. Wow. Lora? Derricks voice carries from the front of the shop. Oh shit! Lora freezes as she stares at the curtain that separates the two rooms. Mom picks up the small train. Go, Lora. She points to the dressing room. He cant see you like this. Mom and Lora head to the dressing room. I glance down and feel naked again. Go, Ziah! Keep him out of here! Loras eyes are wide. Yes. Me. Feeling naked. Again, not really feeling this dress. Lora? Derrick calls again. Ziah! Go! she hisses.

Mom gives me a stare, which feels wrong. Id think shed want to protect me from being seen by anyone in this miniature outfit. But I gesture to the dress, which gets me a finger point and a frown. I carefully step across the room and through the large curtain into the front of the shop. But its not just Derrick. That would be only slightly uncomfortable. Its also Dylan. Of course. Definitely feeling naked. So I might not be great with guys or whatever, but theres no mistaking the way Dylans looking at me. His mouth isnt open, but his jaw is slack. And his eyes are definitely not on my face. I have no idea if I should be offended or totally soak it in. I go for the second, because walking on stilts has me feeling reckless.

Eleven ~ Dylan ~

Damn. I knew she had a good body, but toned legs. Lots and lots of toned legs. Long, lean waist. Perfect, slender curves. And if I thought her neck was sexy before, its nothing like how it is now. The single strand of hair I wanted to touch has turned into several, and I cant decide if they should all be put up or if the way they touch her cheekbones and neck would make it worth keeping them down. Im seriously close to embarrassing myself, so I shift to make sure nothings poking out. Derrick coughs, and I jump. Her eyes are on me. Shit. I definitely wasnt looking at her face. Hopefully, Im not supposed to be answering a question, because I definitely didnt hear anything. I just stopped by because we have a cake appointment, and Derrick trails off like he not only takes orders from Lora, but from Ziah, too. Well, Im not missing cake testing, and I really want out of these shoes. I swear she stands up even taller than before. I take that as an invitation to check her legs again. I mean, theyre right there. A guy can only be so strong. So, well see you guys there? she asks. Sounds good, Derrick says. Wait. Werent you supposed to be doing this today, too? Ziahs hands go on her perfectly curved hips as she shifts her weight. The tailor said he wouldnt be ready until tomorrow, Derrick says. Damn. Ziah sighs. I really thought you two were being tortured todayjust like me. I am. She just doesnt know it. Well see you girls in a few then. Derricks hand grabs my shoulder with a little too much force. Yeah. See you. I glare at my brother before smiling at Ziah. When she turns, its all curves again, and a lot of bare back. Derrick slaps the back of my head as Ziah steps back behind the curtain. What the helld you do that for? I ask as I rub my head and try to get my hair to sit right again. Wipe the drool off your mouth, and dont. Even. Think. It. I start to protest, but its probably pointless. Whatever, I mumble. Shes not my type. Derrick snorts as he pushes open the door. Her and her sister have the same body. Thats everyones type. I want to make a smart-ass comment about Derrick checking out his fiancs sister, but I keep it to myself. Maybe Ill save it for later. Instead I go back to thinking about Ziah and her mile-long legs and wondering what theyd feel like under my fingertips. *** Lora steps into the cake shop followed by Ziah, and even though shes in jeans and shoes, all I can see is that damn dress. Her long waist. Her perfect body. Toned calves, shaped thighs. And the shoes. Holy hell if girls knew what shoes like that did to their legs actually, maybe they do. Its a pretty good weapon for them to have. I need to kick this girl out of my head and run as far away from her as I can get. Mary and I need to find an open road somewhere and forget about brothers, sisters, and T-shirt wearing girls who should not be sexy, yet somehow are. Oh, and said girl is going to be my sister-in-law? Its not creepy and against the law, I remind myself. Its not like well be related by blood, but I also dont think my blood should be flowing to specific parts of my anatomy so powerfully when Im around her either. I need to focus on her jeans instead of those bare legs. I got lured into lame wedding stuff with the promise of cake, didnt I? Ziah sighs, keeping her eyes on Lora. Youre not the only one. I give my brother what I hope looks like a friendly slug, but he winces. I hit my mark just right. You did. Lora grabs Ziah from the side and kisses her temple as she laughs. Eww. Werent your lips JUST on his? Ziah makes a face and rubs the side of her head. Grow up, Ziah. Lora rolls her eyes, and then leans close to her sister. Lets start with the chocolate

They ooh and aah over flowered cakes that dont look like food. Lora more than Ziah, but theyre definitely getting along better. And Ziah looks happier. I figured I was stepping over a million boundaries when I said something to Lora, but I really didnt want any more of Ziah crying in Mary. And I was trying to be nice to her since Derrick has it in his head that Im not. Maybe he doesnt realize how much Im not saying. That could shut him up. I look over and see Derrick and Lora interacting with their typical vomit-inducing sweetness. Ziahs got a scowl on her face again, but this time I know its not for me. Doesnt mean I dont want to give her a hard time. Or study her lips. Yeah, that sounds pretty fun. You should definitely taste this. I hold a piece of cake out to her. Im totally screwing myself over here, too, because Im tempting myself with something I can never touch. But damn it would be fun. Yeah, like Im going to eat food out of your hand. Why? You scared? Thinking youll like it too much? I wink at her for good measure. No, Im just not an idiot. Its incredible. I move it closer. Strawberry. Come on, Hanes. Dont be a wuss. We had a truce. Ill be nice. She licks her lips, and I could swear shes doing it on purpose. Like I said Unless youre scared. Ill be good, and even put it on a fork. Itll still work this way. I set the bite down before I put it on the fork and hold it out to her again. Ziah shakes her head, but then she opens her mouth and takes the bite. I groan because that? Yeah, totally hot. Derrick gives me a quick look like he can read my mind, but I ignore him. Youre right. That was delicious. Im marking it down as one of my favorites. I fork another bite and give it to her. This is torture, but sexy. And itll be a lot more fun in a minute. When I get to the third bite, I think shes enjoying this just as much as I am. When she opens her mouth this time, I pretend Im going to feed her the bite. At the last second I let the fork take a turn and get cake all over her nose. Dylan! She grabs a napkin to wipe it off her face, and all I can do is laugh. *** By the time we hit the third bakery, I never want to see another damn cake again. Derrick and Lora have argued vanilla vs. chocolate, chocolate vs. strawberry, filling vs. no filling vs. blah, blah, blah. Im really not seeing what the big deal is. Its a cake. I want to die. Ziah closes her eyes, her arms hung limp at her sides. Agreed. Im as low in my chair as I can get, my hands resting carefully on my bloated stomach. Three quickie locations, and then you two can do whatever you want. Lora gives her sister a too-bright smile. I groan. Are there even any more cake flavors out there to taste? Its not about the flavor, its about how theyre made, too. But Loras quiet. Maybe worried about how Ill react or something. Lora. I cant move. Im serious, Ziah protests. Loras eyes widen. I warned you when you were eating full slices instead of the samples that this was going to happen. Or when I kept feeding her extra bites off the fork. Get up, you big wuss. Derrick mock-punches me in the gut, which means I flinch, which means Im reminded of every bite of cake Ive eaten since lunch. Lora leans over and whispers in Derricks ear. His body slowly gets closer and closer to hers, and his smile gets bigger and bigger. I dont even want to know what theyre planning. Thank God I cant hear them. Nauseating. Im about to cough or something because I really dont want them to start going at it in public, but then I decide I dont do subtle. Dude. Cut the foreplay. I kick Derricks foot. Lora smiles her sales-girl smile. Im immediately suspicious. Derrick and I thought maybe if you wouldnt mind running Ziah home, we could do the locations tomorrow? So you two have a choice. You can hang with us and do locations and have tomorrow off, or come with us tomorrow to check out three spots. Ill do tomorrow, Ziah says. Agreed. With the way those two are looking at each other, I think they need some alone time, pronto. I slowly stand. Its just you and me, Hanes. In a battle to make it home before I die of cake consumption. Perfect! Youre a trooper, Ziah. Lora plants another kiss on her sisters head.

Yeah. Yeah. Ziah waves her off. I just dont know how were going to decide. Lora sighs as she surveys the table of half-eaten cake slices. Then dont. Ziah shrugs. From the pictures you have pegged all over your magazines, the place will be full of flowers. Why dont you just do a bunch of cakes, decorate them all a little differently but a little the same, stick them on a table, and then people can have choices. Its actually a good idea, especially since no one around here seems to want to make a decision. Lora and Derrick exchange a look, and Im willing to do anything to not have to re-test any more cake. Great idea, I add. Both Lora and Derrick are nodding and smiling, and Im thinking this is one part of this damn wedding I wont have to do again. Youre a genius! Lora grabs Ziah in a hug, making her groan. I think were done with this part then, if thats cool with you. She bats her eyes, and Derrick eats it up. Cool with me, baby. Great with me, because this means we can go already. I give Ziah a wink before I really think about it, and then realize maybe I shouldnt have. Then I remember what she looked like in that damn dress and the way she licked her lips before biting the cake. Totally shouldnt be going there. Why the hell did we have to go in that dress shop anyway? We could have texted them from the car out front, and then I wouldnt be thinking about her so much. *** I keep forgetting to ask. Ziahs slumped low in Marys seat, hands resting on her stomach as I drive her home. About what? Hanes? Mmm. I knew that would bite me in the ass eventually. Why do you call me Hanes? And now Im back to conflicted, because weve actually started to get along. Im not sure I want to risk angry-Ziah coming back if I remind her how she used to hate me. My party. When we met. You got all pissed over a T-shirt, so I just thought of you as Hanes. Been thinking about me for that long? she teases, and I remember her saying that before. Shes been thinking about me. I like it until I realize what it might mean, and then I wonder if I should be panicking. Were here. I stop my car in front of her house, and I suddenly dont want my night to be over. Or maybe Im thinking I should run screaming. So, theres this Hitchcock marathon on tonight that Im gonna watch. She almost winces. Actually, that was probably a totally nerdy thing to admit. Really? Hell. I havent told anyone I watch old movies, and again, Ziahs into the same thing. Wanna join me? The words sort of sputter out, and that to me says shes nervous, which in turn makes me realize I should be nervous, drop her off, and run away. Okay. What the hell? Why is it every time I try to say one thing to her, something else comes out? I mean, I guess. Sure. I can participate in your nerdy activities with you. Hmm, not too bad. Nice cover, Gibson. Her eyes narrow at me. You know what? Never mind. Shes definitely not supposed to say that though. Im kidding! Plus, youre the one who said it was nerdy. I just agreed with you. Forget the fact Ive probably seen every Hitchcock movie there is. More than once. She doesnt need to know that. You know youre a bit spastic, right? I open my mouth to give her whats probably a really stupid excuse that I havent even taken the time to figure out yet, but she cuts me off. But, considering its probably much more depressing to watch movies alone, Ill take my chances at dealing with you and your personality flips. I have to hold in a laugh. Shes funny, but Im not sure I want her to know that. So basically it has nothing to do with you actually wanting to spend time with me? You just dont want to be alone. I have that about right? About. She gives me a half-grin. I return it. Thats a relief because thats pretty much the only reason I agreed. I mean, neither of us can hang out with our siblings because theyre attached at the mouth, and like you said, friends dont let friends watch movies alone.

Except were not friends, remember? Damn, shes good. Acquaintances? Almost-strangers? Pizza-venting buddies? Im running out of options here so take your choice. I hate to admit Im kind of having fun with her. Its the last thing I need or want, but as long as I focus on who she is and not who she is in the dress, maybe Ill be good. She gives me a girl eye roll. Its almost like the look. Not in the grumpy way, but in the how-do-all-girls-do-that-so-well way. How about we just go inside before we miss the beginning of Rear Window? Ugh. Always being logical. Im already opening my door and getting out. My body feels a little primed, like it thinks its going to be getting something it shouldnt. Totally not going there. Not with Hanes. Dress. Okay. Probably not going there with Hanes. I think were two schmucks who let our love of cake drive us to run another wedding errand. Agreed. Her house is small and kind of old-fashioned-looking. Theres this huge, floral chair in the corner of the living room that looks like its as old as us, but honestly, it also looks comfortable as hell, all pillowy like you could sink into it. Big enough for two, too. Chill out, Gibson. Totally not supposed to be going there. Not what youre used to, Im sure. She eyes me as I look around her house. No, thats not what I was thinking. I was Thinking wed fit real well on that chair together. Yeah, Im not thinking thats a good idea. Not just because of the fact that shes a girl, and as shitty as it sounds, I cant make myself trust them. Not really. But also because Im really not looking for her knee to meet my balls. I can bet thats what would happen. Because first of all, shes not even sure if she likes me or not. Second, the James thing probably screwed her up a bit. Oh, that gives me another reason to stay away. Screwed up doesnt sound like something Im able to deal with. But I helped the other day Lets just say you dont want to know what I was thinking. I wink at her, and she turns pink. When all else fails, the embarrassment/compliment thing always works. Boys are so weird. She shakes her head. Makes me wonder all the more what my sister is thinking. She starts to walk toward the kitchen, and I follow her. Its huge, and the only modern-looking thing about the house. That only leaves one option. Thinking of switching teams? I tease. She cracks a smile, and her eyes crinkle at the same time. I can tell shes not sure if she wants to be annoyed with me or if she thinks Im funny. Personally, I think she should go with the latter. Youre ridiculous. You like it. No, Im just using you for movies and because youre my only ally on Team Sanity, remember? Everyone else is all pro-wedding and stuff. A laugh breaks out of my mouth. A huge laugh. My gut starts to ache because Im cracking up so much. Team Sanity? Thats fucking awesome. Shes seriously funny. I wonder if she sees it. Im not sure if a girl has ever made me laugh as often as she does. Granted half the time shes pissed at me, but the times shes not, shes freaking funny. Or maybe Im just on edge being around this girl, and laughing is the only way to get rid of it. Youre not a full card-carrying member yet, but youre the closest I have. I can see her try to fight her laugh, too, but then she just lets loose. Its crazy to hear her laugh. Its so different than her regular voice and sort of alive. Which sounds absolutely stupid, but thats the only word I can think of. Im pretty sure you just gave me a compliment, Hanes. She shakes her head. The Hanes thing has to go. Aww, come on. You know you like it. I sit at the small table in her kitchen. Hungry? she asks. Im wondering how the hell she still has room in her stomach, but Im not about to be outdone. Sure. What do you have? A stack of menus lands on the table. I dont cook.

Isnt your mom a chef? One of her brows goes up. Hence the reason Ive never learned to cook. I laugh again. Maybe shes not so bad.

Twelve ~ Ziah ~

Hot party-guy is in my house. For pizza and a movie. The same day he totally checked me out. And then, just when I thought it would be weird that he looked at me like that, we stuffed ourselves sick over cake, he got it all over my face, and being around him got easy again. Too bad the whole liking someone thing isnt for me. Were halfway through a large pizza and the first movie. I thought about trying to get him in the big chair with me, but that would be stupid on a million levels. Instead were on the worn, beige couch. So, youre not one of those salad girls, huh. He shoves another slice in his mouth. Salad is for rabbits. I eat real food. Dylan didnt admit it, but hes obviously seen this movie before. I can tell because hes into it but doesnt jump when he should. Not that I think hed be jumpy, but its just a feeling I get. He looks at me a little too long again, and I know I should be running away from this, but I sort of dont want to. Its been so long since Ive been around someone who made me feel like they liked what they saw. And since just a look from him gave me the happy lets-get-closer tingles. This is harmless. Just hanging out and flirting. Part of me starts to wonder if I could be the kind of girl who hangs out and makes out and then is all normal and pretends it never happened. Or maybe I just wish I could be that girl for Dylan. Or maybe I still wish I could be that girl for James, and it just feels good that Dylans watching me the way he is. When he starts talking again, Im staring at his lips as I think about the kissing and forgetting and the happy tingles and the wanting. And then I remember James and Alyssa, and my sisters stupid wedding. And I want to take Moms car and run away from all of it for a while. So maybe I shouldnt be teasing Dylan about being spastic. Were nearing the end of Rear Window, which gets all kinds of intense, but its still not as intense as just sitting next to Dylan. I wish I could just get over it and kiss him already, but that thought sort of scares me still because itll end worse than with James. Even if it was a good idea, which it isnt, theres no way Id have the guts to do it anyway. But then, without thinking, my hand rests on the couch between us, almost touching his leg. What am I doing? Did I seriously just make a move? Hes so still, but I can tell hes watching me because I can see him glance my way out of the corner of my eye. Now its hard to breathe, because Ive sort of unintentionally made this awkwardness with my stupid hand. In the movie, the bad guy breaks into the apartment right as Dylan jumps off the couch. Scared? I tease, because its better than thinking Im being rejected. Again. No I gotta go. I forgot I have this thing. Yeah, a thing I have to do. Its total bullshit. I know it, and he knows it, which is why his bodys tense like he just drank ten cups of coffee. And now I just sort of want him to go. A thing? I can feel my scowl, and Im not sure how to stop it or if I should stop it. Yep. A thing. His eyes hit mine, and I swear were having another moment where I love the way hes looking at me and shouldnt. He shifts his weight a few times before he turns and walks out. As the end credits roll, I think Ive just had the most confusing day of my life. *** Its the next morning, and I still dont know what last night was. It was more like a date than anything Ive done since I can remember. I dont know if I wanted it to be a date or not. Part of me does, and part of me totally doesnt. The self-preservation part is smart enough to know Id be in way over my head with someone like Dylan. It goes back to the whole experience thing. First, knowing what happens when I like guys, and second, knowing my experience is a few kisses, while I dont even want to see what Dylans list looks like. This confusing guy stuff is what I need Alyssa for. Im just not sure how to deal with her yet. Unfortunately, I have one day to figure it out, because school starts tomorrow. I pull out my phone and dial. I mean, I cant avoid her forever. Well all be back in school, and and maybe Ill have to watch her and James kissing in the hallways. Ziah? Finally! Ive been trying to get through. I want to talk, and

My heart cracks again, and I hang up. I thought I was ready to talk, but Im obviously not there yet. My phone rings almost immediately, but I silence it. Then get a text. ALYSSA: PLSE Z. LETS TALK, OK? Im not at all ready to talk to her. Or James. The guy who was supposed to be safe. Dylan flashes through my head. Definitely more exciting than James. Im not sure why I was stupid enough to think something might happen between us last night. Im also not sure why I thought it would be a good idea. The damage done by James is probably tame compared to what Dylan could do. First off, Dylans going to be my brother-in-law. Second, just LOOK at him. Hes not going to stick around. Third, Im not myself around him. Im not the girl who loses her breath when a guy gives her a hand out of a car or off of a car or really anytime. Four, hes mentaltotally fun one minute, then moody and quiet the next. Five, the fact that I wasnt afraid to totally flaunt how I looked in that dress could lead to dangerous things for me. Six, I think last night sort of proved hes not into me. I mean, Im not an idiot. I think there was something there, but if he wanted it, he wouldnt have taken off. And he did. Once again rejected before anything got started. Which is good, because I really, really dont want to start anything. Lora comes in the front door, her stack of wedding magazines in one arm, and flops next to me on the couch. Help? she asks. I groan as I sit up. This is not on my agenda. Moping is on my agenda. Ive probably looked through all of these a million times. Announcements, flowers, party favors, pictures of honeymoon destinations Ill never see Look. Im painfully aware that you dont give a shit about my wedding, Ziah. You were mad about the dress and didnt even seem all that excited about cake after the first stop. But I do give a shit, okay? If you need to talk to James to straighten yourself out, then do it. If you need to deal with Alyssa, then do it. But dont ruin this for me! Her pile of magazines drops to the floor before tears start falling, and Lora spins back around slamming the door behind her. What just happened?

Thirteen ~ Dylan ~

The next day as I sit at home waiting for Paul, Im still thinking about last night. Ive never really been on a date in my life. Yeah, I know. Crazy, right? Not like anyone would believe me because well, even though I dont date, I definitely get girls. Which everyone knows. Which makes people believe Im taking girls out left and right, but Im not. Now that I think about it, it kind of makes me feel like a jerk. But then again, why do guys always have to ask the girls out on dates? It isn't like Chastity would ever come up to me and say, Hey, Dylan. How about dinner and a movie? No. With her hand inching toward my crotch, she says stuff like, Hey, maybe we can hang out tonight, which may sound similar, but its definitely not the same thing. Now I cant stop wondering if I went on a date last night with Ziah. We did the dinner thingfor the second time. We watched a movie. After our first dinner, we sat on Mary and talked about the secrets of the universe and shit. Okay, maybe just the secrets of Dylan, but pretty close. It felt different than it would with Chastity. So was it a date? Did I want it to be a date? Honestly, the thought makes me want to puke in Dads grass again. Not because it was Ziah. But because the more I hang out with her, the more I realize the girl is hot as hell. Not only that, but shes way cool to chill with and pretty funny, too. Oh, and did I mention hot? But my stomach starts constricting because I MIGHT HAVE WANTED IT TO BE A DATE. I mean, what is that? Dates lead to commitment and commitment leads to temporary insanity and temporary insanity leads to full on mental illnesspicking out china patterns, choosing museums to get married inand ends with two fucked-in-the head sons and a dad trying to hold it together when hes just as fucked-in-the-head as they are. So no, I definitely dont want it to have been a date. Either time. All youre doing is being nice to her. Helping with the wedding, I tell myself. Which is true and even further drives my point home. Im sure Derrick never planned on ending up like this when he took Lora on a date. Luckily, Im not only better looking than my brother, but Im smarter too. Then why do I still kind of feel like puking? Why cant I get her laugh out of my head? Its higher-pitched than her voice but not annoyingly so. Hot high-pitched. Or the way her breath catches when I accidentally-on-purpose brush up against her? And the way her eyes are on me, studying me like she wants to memorize every part of me that she canthe way I obviously want to, too, since Im dissecting her fucking laugh and breathing patterns! Stop thinking about it. Thats all I need to do is stop thinking about her. *** Dude, youve been all weird and sulky lately. Did someone kick your dog? Scratch Mary? Oh, you got turned down by a girl! Paul turns down the music in Mary. It takes everything in me not to ignore him and turn it back up. First, when the hell did he get so observant? Usually he doesnt notice anything that isnt a way for him to get attention. Second, he had to go and remind me that I have been weird. Oh, and then he hit the nail on the head that its about a girl. Not that Ill admit it. Im not sulky. Who even uses that word? Except I am sulky, and I know it. I flip down the sun visor. I cant stop thinking about the sort-of date, and how I didnt hate the idea. Did it start that way with Derrick? No, I cant let myself think like that. I dont like her. Shes angry voodoo-doll chick. I use that word, and youre definitely sulky man. Is it the wedding shit? Pauls been my friend forever. Hes the one who knew us before and after Mom. Besides Derrick, no one else would even know to bring up the wedding pissing me off. Well, except Ziah, I guess, but she doesnt know why. Paul also knows I wont want to talk about it. I dont want to talk about the wedding. He doesnt push it. Were cool like that and know when to go there and when not to. Chastity asked me about you at school today. She wants us all to go do something. This is where I should be jumping at the opportunity to go out with another girl. To get my mind off Hanes, but Im not sure Im feeling it. It doesnt sound as cool as it usually doeswhich I chalk up to being tired and busy playing wedding planner. Well see. Things are kind of crazy right now. Thats cool. Derrick asked me to be in the wedding, too. I didnt see that one coming. I glance at Paul and see him scratch his head. He has the huge-ass Paul smile on his face. Hes stoked.

Youre like a brother to him. Weve been making his life hell ever since we could walk. Paul laughs and then my cell goes off, letting me know I got a text. Picking it up, I see Hanes flash across the screen. Damn it. I just stopped thinking about her. Z: LORA JUST ABOUT EXPLODED BECAUSE IM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR WEDDING STUFF. DID SHE AND DERRICK GET IN A FIGHT OR SOMETHING? I smile, imagining Ziah blowing her sister off, and Lora taking it to mean its the end of the world. Girls in love are a little psycho. Or at least the ones getting married are. Youre smiling. Why are you smiling? Who is that? Paul fires questions at me. Im not smiling. Only I sort of am, but not because its Ziah. Its psycho Lora. After I pull into a parking spot, I text back. D: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? WERE DOING TUXES. COME DOWN. IM SURE SHELL BE HERE. After I give her the address, I toss my phone down and get out of the car. Derrick is already inside when we get there. Pacing back and forth. Youre late! What the hell, man. Ten minutes. Chill out. I had to pick Paul up. Geez, youre worse then Lora. Derrick groans and plops down into a chair. The guy who works here is behind the counter, trying to look like hes not paying attention to us. Derrick ruffles his hair, obviously freaking out about something. Trouble in paradise? When he groans again, I start tripping out a little bit. Im just giving him a hard time. The wedding is a mistake, but I also dont want anything to hurt my brother. Whats up? You cool? I sit down next to him. Paul takes the seat on the other side. Loras all stressed out. Shes not big on any of the places we picked out. She really wants this Vista place, but its all booked. I dont see what the big deal is. I told her it didnt really matter where we did it, which was obviously the wrong thing to say. She took off and isnt answering her phone. He starts popping his knuckles, and Im a little lost here. So you guys had a little argument. Whats the big deal? That happens all the time, right? I mean, that should be normal. People fight and as long as its not huge fights you get over it and move on. You dont get it. I dont want to be like Mom and Dad. The fighting and the taking off. Huh? What are you talking about? I dont remember Mom and Dad having any big fights, and what youre explaining sounds more like a disagreement than anything. Derrick looks over at me. You dont remember, D. I told you things werent what you think with Mom and Dad. And thats about enough of that. Im definitely not in the mood to go there. Especially with Paul and the sewing guy here. I push to my feet. Im sure its fine. Lets get this over with. *** The ties are pink. I cant believe my brother expects me to wear a pink tie. I dont ever remember him liking pink before. The suits are okay. Theyre kind of thin, which to me is weird since the wedding is in March. Theyre a khaki color, called summer suits or something like that. Mauve. Derrick stands in front of a mirror while the guy measures him. Hes got a huge smile on his face like hes not setting us up in suits for the wrong season and pink ties. Then mauve is pink because the tie is definitely pink. Its mauve, you dumbass. Its not pink. Paul, tell him the tie is pink. Im not wearing this. Paul laughs. Im staying out of this one. Derrick. I walk over to him. Seriously. Talk to her. You cant want pink ties. The bell over the door rings. I look over to see Ziah walking toward us. I sort of suck in a breath and then realize thats stupid. You guys arent wearing pink ties are you? She laughs. Ha! I told you, man. My brother says theyre mauve. I roll my eyes.

Isnt mauve pink? I seriously consider asking her to marry me. Okay, not really. Im not crazy, but I am pretty damn thankful. You guys are both being ridiculous. Theres nothing wrong with mauve ties, Derrick tries to defend himself. Obviously hes not going to do anything about this, so I plead my case to Ziah instead. Can you talk to your sister about this? No! Derrick looks at Ziah. Just let it go. Shes having a hard time. You know how she gets. She worries about everything. I dont want to stress her out anymore. I take a step back. I dont know what it is about what he just said, but things really start to sink in. How much he cares about this girl is finally getting slammed into my brain. He loves her so much he just wants to make things easy on hereven if it means wearing a pink tie or being freaked out over a little argument. When it comes down to it, he just wants to do what he can to take care of his girl. I remember how cool it felt when I helped Ziah. Not that shes my girl or ever will be, but it still made me feel like something more because I somehow helped her. I suddenly dont want to make things harder on him. Not at this moment, at least. Nah, its cool. Im man enough to wear a pink tie. Ill rock it. Derrick catches my eye over Ziahs, and I see him relax. He nods at me like hes saying thanks, and I nod back. When the bell over the door rings a second time, I somehow know its Lora. She walks over to Derrick all slowly like shes unsure, but then he gives her a half-smile. Hers is triple the size of his, and she gives him a huge hug. Theyre whispering to each other. The suit guy huffs away, obviously pissed were screwing up his schedule, and Paul, Hanes, and I just kind of stand and watch. For the first time, I think I might actually be happy for him. Well, even though hes making a huge mistake.

Fourteen ~ Ziah ~

Lora picked me up from school, but Ive been sort of zoned out on our drive into downtown. Apparently her body has gone too long without Voodoo Donuts, so were in the colossally long line, halfway down the block waiting for some. Ive seen it worse. The picture of Derrick being able to make her feel better in about two seconds at the tailor shop still hits me. Hes not a bad guy, its just still weird. You okay? she asks. Anything different with Alyssa or James? I finally told them both I wasnt ready to talk, and Id tell them when I was. Been silent since then? she asks. Yeah. But it didnt give me the relief Id been hoping for. The whole blow-up happened a month ago, and maybe I should be ready to talk to them. But Im just not. Youre not keeping anything from me? No new developments or anything? I think about how part of me wishes they were still trying to talk to me and how another part of me wishes Dylan would want to do some non-talking with me, but I keep it to myself. Youre so much like I used to be. Lora takes a long drink from her coffee. Why do I feel like you dont mean it as a compliment? Sometimes its okay to break rules, Ziah. Relax a little. She bumps her shoulder to mine. I stare at my shoes on the sidewalk. Lora. I was with the safest guy in the universe, and No, you werent. What? You werent, or what happened wouldnt have happened. He seemed like the safest guy, but he wasnt. Not really. First impressions and outward appearances can be deceiving. She raises a brow, and Im jealous again of my sisters ability to wear hats. The off-white knitted cap sits just right, making her look well, like she could be marrying a Gibson boy. I have no idea how to look this way. I guess. Its just sometimes good to be impulsive. I roll my eyes. Just because you found your true love in a game of truth or dare gone horribly awry doesnt mean itll work for the rest of us. On top of which, being single is probably best, since Im about to go to college and then to med school. Maybe. She shrugs. I just dont want you to miss out on something really great because youre afraid to take chances, thats all. Noted. I suck down another swallow of coffee. Yeah. I have to get this location figured out, Ziah. If we dont get out invites soon, we might have to push the wedding back. She sighs and looks down at her boots. I want to tell her she could have a smaller wedding, and that would solve the problem. But my guess is she doesnt want to hear that, and Im not going to ruin our afternoon because I cant keep my mouth shut. We shuffle a few steps closer to the door. Has Dylan mentioned their mom? Lora asks. No, why? I figured thats one of those things you dont ask about, it just comes up. Dylans pretty tight-lipped about the reality of his family. Just curious, thats all. Only now Lora looks distracted, and I wonder if theres something shes keeping from me. *** So, I gotta ask. Whats your problem with their wedding? I sit next to Dylan as Derrick and Lora wander through what feels like location one million. Were against the wall in a ballroom in some random hotel near the river. The moment I mentioned how cool Lora looked in her hat, she took it as my little sister wants me to dress her. Im in a hat, a dress coat, and a pair of Loras boots. Im not sure if its me, but at least I fit in with the other three a little better. Well, and her boots are broken in and soft, so its manageable.

Dylan sighs. It would take a long time to explain, but part of it has to do with stuff he always told me when I was growing up. Ditto with Lora. School first. Career second. Boys third. Always. Seeing her with Derrick still feelsoff. And hows that one working out for ya? Dylan smirks. I thought good. You know, James and I were friends for a long time, so it felt safe. I know Dylan was trying to tease, but Im feeling too low for that. A couple weeks in school without my two best friends has dragged me down. Are you hurt? I mean, is it more that youre angry, or more that youre hurt? He shifts his weight. With James, I mean. Are you trying to use your awesome powers to make me feel better again and need to know what approach to take? Umnot exactly. Just. Curious. Hes being so serious. Looking sohonestly concerned. Not like the cocky guy who helped me in part because of me and also probably in part to serve his ego. Am I hurt? Is it awful to be without James? I think whats more awful is realizing how wholly humiliating the whole thing was. Ive known James for a long time. We were friends before we kissed, and I wanted more of that. I deserved better than being lied to. So, more pissed than hurt. Wow. More angry than hurt. Knowing how I feel actually makes me feel a bit better. Okay. Thats good, right? he asks. I guess. Have you talked to them much? Only to get the basics. To satisfy my morbid curiosity. So, you and James Everything seemed perfect, huh? His voice sounds almost strained. Likes suddenly nervous or something. Thats the thing. It was before your party. My face flushes red as I think about why it was different after, and I scoot away so our arms no longer touch. I barely saw him over the summer, and then it was I cant believe Im admitting out loud that we might have broken up even if it werent for him and Alyssa. Maybe. not perfect. Like he was pushing too hard, and I guess it wasnt as easy to be around him as it used to be. But you and Alyssa have been close for a long time? My gut twists. Yeah. Dylans not looking at me, just staring across the empty space. He pulls his knees up and rests his elbows there. Might want to at least give her a chance to explain. And then Ill have to relive it all over again. Im just not ready. I pick at my jeans for a minute. Dylans hand rubs across my back. I get it. But dont wait too long, you know? Its like theres long enough to make em sweat a little, which is good. But too long, and it might be a lot harder to fix. So, you want me to fix things with James? Im totally fishing here, and my heart pounds as I wait for his answer. His hand is still on my back, and were still sitting close. Hell, no. He laughs taking his arm back. Let him suffer. But your girl? Talk. Bros before hoWell, you know what I mean. Masta Dylan knows his shit, remember? Yeah. Right. I chuckle. Thatll just be my mantra. Masta Dylan knows his shit. I try to mimic his low voice but totally fail, which makes him laugh, which makes me laugh. What the hell? Derrick raises his arms as he steps in the vast room and sees Dylan and I in a pile on the floor. Laughing. Sorry. I gave her sugar. Lora pecks him on the cheek. It makes her think shes funny. *** I send Alyssa a text after school and wait on the porch to see if shell come. I miss my friend, no matter what happened between us. Im not sure that I want to forgive James yet. I guess I dont know if Im ready to forgive her yet either, but I am ready to talk. And then I almost laugh out loud when I remember Im here because of something Dylan thought I should do to feel better. Like half of his personality points to jerk, and the other half points to something sort of remarkable and unexpected. Alyssa pulls up to my house and has tears in her eyes before she hits the bottom step. Hey. I lean back in my chair, even though thats kind of the last thing I feel like I should be doing. Its like I want to project that Im okay, even though Im anything but now that shes here. Its like my insides are shaking apart. So weird. Its not supposed to be like this with Alyssa. She sits in the chair next to me. Im so sorry, Ziah. Theres like, no excuse in the world. I mean, anything I tell you will sound like Im trying not to take

responsibility, and all I want is for us to be friends again. I nod, determined to keep calm. Its like I lost both of you at once. I promise I will never, ever let a guy come between us again. She wipes a tear. I never liked him. I was just wasted, and he was there. It all still sucks, but I want my friend back more than I want to be mad. We talk for hours. We talk about her and James and drinking. She tells me how horrible it was, how horrible shes felt. She tells me that James called her to ask if he could tell me, and she agreed. After a week went by, she couldnt bring herself to say anything, but it was keeping her up at night. Shes never once felt that way about James and cant believe something like that even happened. She hasnt had a single drink since. Some things she says make me more angry, and some things make me feel better. Another part of me knows well get past this, and I have things I need to share, too. Its still awkward, like were both tip-toeing around a real conversation even though were having this real conversation. Hows Lora? Is she still here? Alyssa asks. Taking a semester off college to plan a wedding and get married. Im still half in disbelief that shes putting off college for any amount of timeeven though shes majoring in art history. Seriously. Alyssas surprised expression is exactly what I expected. I know, right? Lora taking time off school, butAnd I hate admitting this. Theyre really good together. Alyssa smiles, and were not perfect. But I wont have to avoid her in school anymore. Its huge. And Dylan was right. Its not back to what it was, but it is better. Now James Im just not ready to go there yet. And then I wonder why Dylan didnt want me to talk to James, and part of me hopes he likes me enough to not want to see me with someone else. Wow. Derricks Mercedes screeches to a stop in front of the house, and Lora jumps out of the drivers side. Vista house got a cancellation! She squeals. Get ready, were heading out! What, now? I just got home from school and just talked to Alyssa, and Yes! She runs up the stairs. Now! Alyssa chuckles as Lora grabs my arm. Guess Im heading up to Vista House.

Fifteen ~ Dylan ~

Eight ball, corner pocket. I point to the far hole. Yeah, right. Paul does the fake cough-speak thing in the corner, but I ignore him same as Derrick. This is a serious competition going on here. I never used to beat my brother in pool, just like I never used to get the best out of him when we fought. Times are changing because this time, hes going down. Weve always been competitive. Its our thing, and I can tell Derrick knows hes about to lose by the way hes studying the table. His phone rings. Ignore it, I tell him. Hit silence. Youre not distracting me from this shot. Derrick takes a couple steps back from the table. Its Lora. I fight a groan. And were almost done, man. You can call her right back. No way am I letting you screw up this shot. Derrick pushes the button on his phone, and Im silently grateful. Eyeing the ball, I line up the shot and take it. The eight ball cleanly drops into the hole. Please dont scratch, please dont scratch. The white ball bounces off the side and lands in the middle of the table. Hell, yes! Paul walks over and gives me props. Derrick rolls his eyes, but he has a smile on his face. Yeah, thats right. Im the man now. Good game, little brother. I nod at him in reply just as his phone rings again. Hey, baby, he says. Sorry. Dylan was kicking my ass at pool. That makes me smile. My brother might have lost his mind, but hes still pretty cool. I sit on the table while Derrick talks to his girl. Its not long before hes hanging up. Lora and Ziah are on their way over. Loras stoked because there was a cancellation at Vista House. She wants us all to go up there. Damn. Wedding stuff again. And Ziah. Im still not sure why Im thinking all these crazy thoughts about her. Come with us, Paul. Youre in the wedding, but youve somehow escaped doing anything but the tuxes. It probably makes me a chicken shit, but Im actually hoping for a buffer. I cant start losing my head if Pauls there. That cool? he asks my brother. Absolutely. Beep. Beep. Sounds from outside. Holy crap. That was no joke. We grab our stuff and head upstairs. On the way, I grab my hoodie in case I need it. I have a long sleeve shirt on, but you never know with the weather here. Loras in the drivers seat of my brothers car, which is weird as hell, and Ziahs heading to the back when we get outside. Paul nudges me, his eyes brows raised as he cocks his head toward her. I still cant believe its the chick from your party. Shut up, I mumble. He also wouldnt believe it if he knew I actually dont hate being around her anymore. Hanes, you have to sit in the middle. Last time I rode in the back with Paul, he kept trying to hold my hand. Whatever. He shoves me, but hes laughing, too. Ziahs eyes catch mine, and she gives me a little smile. Seriously. Future sister-in-laws should not be this sexy. Youre lucky Im in a decent mood today, Dylan. Ziah gets in the backseat, and I squeeze in next to her. Paul barely closes his door, and Lora totally peels out in the driveway like shes a sixteen-year-old guy. I cant believe they got an opening. She sounds like a Disney Princess, and Im pretty sure shes going to break into song at any second. Ive wanted to get married at Vista House since You were ten years-old, Ziah says. You kept running up and down the staircase in the main window-filled room and singing that one day youd be there in a

wedding dress, See? I knew she was the Disney song type. Sigh she replies. I dont get why girls do that. Why they say sigh. Why not just, I dont know, sigh? Derrick gives her this sappy look that makes me want to wipe the drool from his mouth. Seriously. Its bizarre. I dont get love, and why it changes people so much. I lean back just about over this convo, but when I do, my knee bumps against Ziahs. Im about to move it, but she sucks in a little breath. That makes me keep it there. I mean, if she likes it, who am I to take it away? It takes a couple seconds, but I feel her relax. Im pretty sure shes going to move away, but I could swear her leg pushes a little closer to mine. Warmth rolls off her to me, and Im seriously feeling I dont even know what, but whatever it is, I choose to ignore it. Lora and Derrick are going on and on about wedding stuff up front, and it makes me wonder how Ziahs doing with the whole James and Alyssa thing. You okay? I ask quietly, hoping Paul doesnt hear. I catch his eye over Ziahs head and he sort of smiles at me before pulling out his iPod and sticking his earbuds in. I finally talked to Alyssa, so yeah. I mean, its awkward but better. Told ya. Masta Dylan knows his shit. I give her a cocky grin and then see the stupid strand of hair fall into her face. I dont know what makes me do it, but I push it behind her ear. She does another of those little gaspy-breaths, and it makes me start feeling all sorts of things I shouldnt for a whole list of reasons. Shes a boyfriend kind of girl. She just got out of a relationship. I dont trust girls for anything other than a good time. Oh, and our siblings are getting married. Before I can do something else stupid, I let my eyes find the window. Derrick and Lora are still talking, Pauls still listening to music, and Im not letting myself say another word to Ziah right now. Still, I cant find it in myself to move my leg. *** Lora and Derrick are on the main floora large, round room three stories high with marble floors and the staircase they were talking about in the car. It seriously looks like a castle, which is another Disney thing she has going on. I wonder if Mom would have liked this place. For a second, I wonder why we never came here, and then I push those thoughts out of my head. I hate thinking about her, and Im not in the mood to do it now. I gotta take a piss. Ill be right back, Paul says and then walks way. Wanna see the tunnels? Ziah asks. Call me crazy, but I didnt even know there were tunnels. Sounds cool to me. She leads me down the first flight of stairs and then another. The farther we go the more Im thinking this might not have been a good idea. I definitely dont need to be alone with her with the way Ive been feeling. Especially in dark tunnels. A little bit of light filters in through the doorway we just came through, but theres just enough to make out some of her features in the dark. Isnt it cool, she whispers. Her voice is all husky and sexy, and shes standing way close to me. Damn, I want to kiss this girl. And then I stumble a little bit because I cant remember the last time I did kiss a girl. That has to be part of it, right? You okay? Youre breathing heavy over there. She clips my hip with hers. Im pretty sure I groan. Why did she have to do that? Eh, just losing my shit, I say and then regret it. She grabs my hand and stops me. Or maybe I just stop because I like the way it feels. Were only about a foot away from each other, and shes looking up at me. Im looking down at her. Step back, step the fuck back, Gibson. But Ive never really been that good at listening to myself. Whats wrong? Wrong? When shes standing this close to me, and the blood is flooding through me like white water rapids, nothing is wrong. Nothing. And then the girl seriously shoves a knife into my gut by licking her lips. I want to lick them too. She looks like shes deep in thought. I can practically see the wheels turning in her brain and then shes leaning toward me. Holy shit. Hanes is leaning in for a kiss, and there is absolutely nothing that can stop me from meeting her halfway. It doesnt even start out slow. My tongue slips between her lips, and hers meets it. It takes us a second to get our groove, like were both too eager to taste each other.

Her arms come up around my neck, andshit, when did mine wrap around her waist? All I know is Im pulling her closer and feeling her everywhere. She stumbles as I back her up against the wall. Its probably the most urgent kiss of my life. Shes making these little sounds and pulling me closer, and I never would have expected that from her. One of her knees goes between my legs, and yeah, theres a lot going on down there. I press my hips into her, and she actually pulls my hair. I let my lips trail down her neck, and my tongue traces her collarbone. She stiffens for a second but then totally melts against me. Dylan, she gasps, and its a good gasp. But it also makes me freeze. This is the girl I might have wanted to go on a date with. Dad pops into my head crying and yelling, and Derrick with red eyes is trying to get me to my bedroom. And Mom wheres Mom? Dylan? This time, shes questioning, wondering what Im doing, and the fact that I almost start to kiss her again tells me I really need to pull away. I cant do this. Not with her. I think we should stop. I ease away, but its like torture. What? More questions in her voice. The shitty part is I cant tell this girl what Im thinking. I havent talked to any girl about Mom, and I dont plan to start now. But for the first time, I feel guilty about thatabout hiding that part of me. Has Derrick told Lora? I mean, its probably smart, right? You just broke up with the idiot, and were just starting to be friends or whatever. I think we should just be friends. Im still too close. Still breathing her in. Still remembering her body pinned between me and the wall. And that probably just sounded like the biggest line of all time. Ten years later, she finally replies. Her voice is low but steady, and I cant stop wondering what shes thinking. Umm, yeah. Youre right. I mean, like wed be good together. I almost open my mouth to ask her why not, but I dont. Whats wrong with me? Well, Im pretty sure that just showed us wed be good, but were both smarter than this. Yeah. Right. Definitely. Ziah straightens her shirt, and Im hoping theres some deflating going on before we get into the light. Silently we head back the way we came. It feels like Im walking the plank or something. I know, I know. Thats sounds stupid, but its true. When were just about to the end I grab her hand real quick. Youre okay? She seems good, but her sister is marrying my brother. I dont want to create any drama or anything. Ziah rolls her eyes. No, Dylan. Your kissing is so incredible, Im broken-hearted and ruined for all men in the future. Im not sure Im going to be able to go on without you. She gives me her angry-girl smile, but something about it is a little different. Or maybe Im just imagining things. Ha. Ha. See? We can do this. We can go back to normal. Three sets of stairs later, were back on the main floor. There you guys are! Lora calls. Derrick and Paul are with her. Ive booked it! Were ready to go. I look at Ziah again, but her eyes arent anywhere near me. I have to go to the bathroom. Shes already walking away as she says it. Ill meet you guys at the car. As we head to the Mercedes, I notice Derrick hanging back. Fuck. Definitely not what I want to deal with right now. Whats wrong with her? Dont tell me you fucked with her, Dylan. Ill kick your ass if you screw with her. He has this angry face that I dont even ever get from Dad. Nice. Love the faith my brother has in me. What do you mean, whats wrong with her? She has to pee. Jesus, Derrick. Get engaged, and you turn all paranoid. He nods, and Im pretty sure he believes me. As he jogs to catch up with Lora, Paul cocks his head and raises one of his eyebrows at me. Yeah, didnt think I could get it past him. Dont ask man. Just do me a favor and ride in the middle, okay? He opens his mouth, and I can tell hes about to argue with me. I said dont ask. Shaking his head he says, Whatever you say, D. When Ziah comes out, Paul throws an arm around her neck. Hey, Im Paul. Have I seen you here before? Ziah doesnt even look at me as she opens her mouth and laughs wrapping her arm around his waist. I watch them as they walk to the car, and for the first time in my life, I feel like really punching my best friend

Sixteen ~ Ziah ~

I know its petty, but Pauls flirtation is the perfect cure for Dylans rejection. I laugh with him and play thumb war and grin like an idiot every time he makes a fake movelike yawning to put his arm over me. He even kissed me once on the cheek as a consolation prize when I lost three times in a row. Our legs are pressed together because hes screwing around, but its not like having Dylans leg against mine. Not even close. Dylans silent, but I cant really see him because Pauls not a small guy, and the middle seat is up just a tad higher than the other two. Probably best. I make it all the way home before I internalize what happened between me and Dylan. Im able to say goodbye to everyone, and I make it up the steps of the porch and through the living room to the stairs and through the door of my room when the whole thing comes crashing down. He probably kissed me because I was leaning up, and he didnt want me to feel stupid. Or maybe he kissed me because hes a guy and will kiss anyone. But then I mean, wow. Never once in the year James and I were together have I ever felt that way. Like I finally get those movie scenes where theyre tripping over everything on their way to get to the bed. Oh. But Dylan wants to be friends. So whatever I was feeling, he definitely wasnt. How much of an idiot does that make me? Im not sure if I can handle continuing to be shoved aside like this. It hurts. It hurts like it shouldnt hurt, because I knew from the first moment I saw him that he was not the kind of guy I should get involved with. Maybe I should be glad were just friends. Only Im not even sure if he wants that, because I cant imagine facing him again with that kiss between us. Everything just sucks. *** Ziah, please. This is ridiculous! James is following me to my car. My keys wont hold still for me to unlock the door. Ziah. His hand touches my shoulder, and I shrug him away. I jerk open the drivers side door, throw in my backpack, but my resolve to drive away from him starts to fade. I turn to face him. Im going crazy without you. Please, cant we just talk? Hes on the verge of tears. I wonder how we got to the point where hes still crying over us, and Im still just mad. Fine. Maybe its time to get this over with. I glance around at the students flooding into the parking lot. Climb in. I sit in the drivers seat and contemplate driving away, but I dont. Instead, I clutch the keys in my hand more tightly. I watch him walk around the front of the car. Hes so familiar. Familiar like family, comfortable like an old friend, and an asshole just like every other guy who thinks its okay to cheat on their girlfriend. What on Earth am I going to say to him? He sits in the passengers seat still smelling like formaldehyde from his last class. He has a free period and uses it to help Mr. Lester teach freshman biology instead of going home early. Its just the sort of nice thing James does that makes it hard to stay mad at him. But I still want to be mad at him, and that makes it easier. Wow. Awkward silence. Youre not acting like yourself, Ziah. He angles his body to see me. Now that were in this small space together, I wonder if it would have been better to stand outside. Its like Im running out of air. I just need to get something out, right? You lied to me, James. And not just one lie, but when you were given the chance to come clean, you lied again. I didnt lie. Not admitting what went on is a lie! And so not what I expected from you. Its what Id expect from someone like Dylan, right? Why does it all need to be so confusing? He reaches out and takes my hand. I let him, but almost more because Im curious. What does James feel like to me? Not like Dylan. Justjust like James, I guess. Were perfect together, Ziah. You know it. We want the same things. We like the same things. Sharing classes when you completely ignore me is like torture. I want to be the guy who makes you smile again. Ive missed that. Ive missed being around you.

Have I missed him? Parts, maybe. But for more than friendship? My feelings are too muddled to know. I dont know if I want to be around you anymore. But my heart hurts with him here. Do I still love James? Yeah, I guess I do, but only because love isnt something that just disappears. I still care, but like a friend. I dont want more, and maybe I havent for a while, it was just that we had a routine of being together, and I didnt want to lose that. James looks like I just kicked him. I dont want there to be awkwardness. Not with us. If you cant do anything else right now, I understand. The space between us is killing me. You were my best friend and my girlfriend all in one gorgeous package. I go crazy when I think about how that one stupid night shouldnt have happened. How Id trade anything to take it back. Ive berated myself over and over for not going to your moms restaurant. James is all sincerity. Maybe Im keeping myself mad at him because I just want to be mad. Then you shouldnt have lied about it. I shake my head. There were too many times, and too many opportunities for you to say something. His head falls forward, and I know James well enough to know hes once again struggling not to cry. My first pang of sympathy for how Ive tortured him hits me hard. Its been weeks, and I havent said a word to him. I dont think she knew who she was kissing, and even then, she kissed me in a way that you never had. Like she really, really wanted it. Me. Even though she didnt know who it was. I wanted that from you. He lets his eyes find mine. I wanted that from him, too. But it just wasnt there. James and I just arent supposed to be together that way. Could I take you out? Just once. Just to start over or something? His hand squeezes mine, and its funny because I totally forgot we were holding hands. Midterms are in a couple weeks. Maybe we could get together to study or something. But dont think this means youre forgiven, and I dont want to be anything more than friends. I keep my jaw tight, hoping hell know Im serious. Thanks, Ziah. You have no idea. He runs the back of his fingers down my cheek. I turn away, even though its one of my favorite things he does. It just doesnt feel like it used to. And I still sort of want to be mad. I take my hand back. See you. He grabs the door handle. See you tomorrow. He pushes open the passengers side door, and I pull in a long breath when it closes behind him. If before James and I dated, I had been given the choice between him and Dylan, I would have chosen James in a second. Hes the safe choice. Only he destroyed me, so like Lora said, looks are deceivinghe isnt the safe choice. But also, somewhere in our time together, I sort of lost the excited feeling of being with him. It doesnt let him off the hook for Alyssa, but it makes me wonder what hes fighting so hard to get back. And I really wish I knew how I felt about it. I also really wish I knew how Dylan felt about me, because after our kiss, Im more confused than Ive ever been. *** For the past few days, Loras been riding on this high of getting her location, and then I learn its just for the ceremony. After dragging Dylan and I all over town, theyve decided to use Moms restaurant for the reception, and were heading there tonight. My Friday night. A week after my Dylan-kiss, and Im in NO hurry to see him again. At all. I call Alyssa in a panic, and she rushes over to make sure Im appropriately dressed to make an impression without looking like Im trying. Of course, I have to explain everything about Dylan and our kiss and how Im completely confused, and shes concerned and worried about me on the rebound. I try to assure her Im not interested in getting involved with him. Id simply like for him to be a little sad at what he turned down. Its the first real thing she and I have done together, and it feels good. Better than good. Like were talking and doing, and its another step in getting us to where we should be. I step out of the house in Alyssas black coat, dark skinny jeans, black boots, a simple black tank with this loose-knit shrug sweater thing that Alyssa brought over. Its thin, so you can still see me underneath it, and the neck leaves a shoulder exposed. I feel over-dressed, but Alyssa laughs when I say that. So I guess Im okay. Now I just need to settle my nerves and get myself in the mindset to be totally normal around Dylan and not think about the kiss. *** Moms restaurant is nearly emptied out at close to eleven. Just the bar is still going, and the second I walk in, I see Dylan and think about the kiss. Not good. My knees get weak when I think about him pressed against me in the tunnel, and Im the pathetic one who thinks theres more between us than there is. Why, I want to ask him, Why? But then I remember thats exactly what James asked me. I am pathetic. I slide off my coat and hang it on the back of the chair, and Lora and Derrick are looking around the restaurant trying to figure out the best way to set it up. Mom has this half wall that looks almost like an outdoor fence, and the main area of the place is like three different levelsnot an easy setup to work with. My shoulders go up as I find room in my pockets for my hands and my shoulder slips out. Im trying so hard not to look and see if Dylans watching, but when I sneak a peek, his head jerks away. Guess we were both caught, and this is as awkward as I thought it would be.

Can you two stand on that level? Lora points behind me. Great. Next theyll want us making out to make sure the lighting is right. I take the step up, and Dylan steps up behind me. Hey, I say. Hey. He gives me this weird smile and glances over at my bare shoulder. Just then Paul steps out of the doors to the kitchen with a huge bowl of macaroni and cheese with bacon piled on top. That definitely looks like a custom-made item. He gives me a howl. Lookin hot tonight, Ziah. Hey, Paul. I wave and smile, a blush creeping up my cheeks. I would weigh five hundred pounds if your mom was my mom. He grins and shovels in a mouthful as he finds a place to sit. Dylan crosses his arms, and I swear hes frowning. But Im not looking close enough to really see. Huh. Hes looking at me, and he doesnt like that Im flirting with Paul. A little part of me feels almost hopeful again. And then I know I need to crush it for all the same reasons I knew I shouldnt get involved with him in the first place making me wonder why I bothered to have Alyssa dress me up. Scoot to the left. Lora gestures. I bump into Dylan, and he practically jumps away. Am I that bad? Dylan can take over. I need food. I walk away and sit down next to Paul. Got a bite for me? I ask, needing to be away from Dylan and out of this situation. Paul loads up his fork with as much food as he can, grinning the whole time. I snort. If you think that you can out-eat me, youve chosen the wrong girl. Well see He holds out the fork. It takes a second, but I get the whole thing in my mouth. Only now I can barely breathe as I chew, and Im trying not to laugh at Pauls wide-eyes. Are you kidding me? Lora gives me a look. I just need you and Dylan to stand in different places so we can check lighting and placement. Please. Thanks for the food. I smile at Paul as I move to where Loras pointing, and then some sappy love song comes over the radio. Is thatElvis? What is this? Dylan and I say at the same time. It should be funny, and he should say jinx. But he doesnt because its awkward, and suddenly I just want to go home. Our wedding song, Derrick says. Theres meaning. Keep your comments to yourself. And then the song hits me. I Cant Help Falling In Love With You, by freaking Elvis. I was right. There has to be a story behind that one. Becausejust because. I bite my tongue and wait for further instruction. Derricks at the edge of the room next to the dimmer switches adjusting the lighting, while Lora points here and then there. Dylan and I stand where she wants us to. Or we sit where she wants us to. Im afraid to look at him, and we dont talk. This couldnt be more awkward if we tried. Derricks making notes on switches, and I cant look at Dylan. I dont even know how to talk to him anymore. And I feel like once again, I just lost a friend. But this time its because I was the one who needed a kiss. Im such an idiot. Okay. I think well use the lowest part as the dance floor, right babe? Lora looks over her shoulder. Sounds good. So, you two. Right here. Lora points to a spot in the middle of the floor. We weave around a few tables to get there, and I look longingly over at Paul, whos finishing his mountain of macaroni and cheese. My favorite. Face one another for a sec. Lora backs up, but I dont know where to look. I can smell him. Its so good. So good. All the parts of the kiss come back to me. The feeling that Id never get enough. His mouth on mine. His hips (and other things) pressed against me, and his hands across my back. Just My phone buzzes in my pocket. I jump, thankful for the distraction. My eyes catch Dylans, and hes staring again.

He shouldnt be staring. Hes turning me into a wreck. ALYSSA: HOWS IT GOING? ME: AWKWARD ALYSSA: U CAN USE ME AS EMER IF U WANT I gotta run. I shove the phone back in my pocket. What? Lora and Dylan ask at almost the same time. Alyssas got some kind of emergency, and were just back on speaking terms. And I Im really trying to look desperate. You should go then. Dylan looks more like himself than he has since before the kiss. Fine. Lora sighs. Im crashing at Derricks anyway, so you can take the car. See you, Paul. I give him a wave and wish Alyssas fake emergency wasnt so urgent, because I really want some food. *** Now that the locations are settled on, Lora and I are at the flower shop putting together the final order. Weve gone over the paper a million times for how many tables and bridesmaids and groomsmen and the large arrangements and center pieces and and and My eyes hurt. Im about done. This is an insane amount of money to spend on flowers. You realize this, right? The total on the bottom of the page is enough to buy a car. Lora sighs. I get that you dont approve of how extravagant everything is. I dont get it. I set my pen down and look at her. When he asked me, and I said yes, he said, Were going to have the biggest, most kickass wedding ever. So its not just me. Derrick wants a big thing, you know? He keeps saying, Were only doing this once, baby, lets make it good. And thats what Im trying to do. I admit its a little thrilling to have such a big budget, but with it comes pressure. I get that. And for the first time, I do. I get it. And it makes me like Derrick a little more that hes into this, too. She sits on the corner. Okay. Whats going on with you and Dylan? I stare at the page. I dont know what youre talking about. Yes, you do. And its not just you. Dylan was a big pile of mope all weekend. I scoff but am a bit pleased. Well, if hes moping, its his own damn fault. Spill. Lora kicks off her shoes and slides onto the bed. I know shes not going anywhere, so I tell her everything, about how I knew I shouldve stayed away, but I couldnt help how I felt. I tell her about the kiss and the friend thing, and how I know its the smart choice. And that I like him more than I should. I have to blink back tears, probably because its all too soon after James. Youre not going to school tomorrow. Were going to do a girl day. Her smug face is on, and her arms are folded in front of her. What about the wedding? I ask. Derrick can take care of it. He just needs to give the invites place a final signature on everything. She leans back with a smile, knowing shes going to get her way. I dont do girl days. I scowl. You do now. And I know Lora well enough to know its final

Seventeen ~ Dylan ~

Its been more than a week since I kissed Ziah, and I havent heard jack from her the whole time. Oh, wait. Unless you count hanging out at her moms restaurant where she ignored me and flirted with Paul. Which I dont care about. Seriously. I dont. Why the hell she would want to flirt with Paul anyway is beyond me. I mean, hes my best friend and all, but hes not her type. He would drive her crazy, and shes definitely not the kind of girl he usually goes for. Although she looked damn hot. Was she showing off her shoulder on purpose, knowing Ive thought about kissing her collarbone more than once? Okay, so maybe I care a little, but thats just because its not cool. Kiss me, flirt with Pauleven if he was the one doing most of the flirting. Does she not know how hard it was for me to pull the plug on what we were doing? How much I wanted to touch her everywhere? How kissing her felt different than kissing any other girl, but I put a stop to things because I know its not whats best for her. Or me. Im thinking I deserve a medal or something. I would have rather got run over by Mary than step away, but I did. Because I knew it was the smart thing. Which means its definitely a good thing I stopped. I enjoyed it way too much. I started to like her, and that freaks me out. Not a manly thing to admit, I know, but I cant imagine being broken the way Dad was. The way he is. I cant stop thinking about how bad he lost it, and as cool as Lora is, theres a part of me who thinks shell do the same thing to Derrick. What if he wakes up one day, and shes gone, leaving him feeling just as abandoned as Dad didas I do. No, thank you. I dont get why people set themselves up to risk that kind of disappointment. The couch shifts when Paul bounces one cushion away from me. Id totally forgot he was coming over. You know I dont really like your girl, right? Im just giving you shit. My head whips around so Im looking at him. Ziahs not my girl. Paul shakes his head, suddenly all mature and all knowing. Youve been weird. You okay? The thing is, Im not okay, but nothing happened either. Actually, thats a lie. For the first time in my life, I kissed a girl I liked then made myself stop. Now Im all screwed up about it. You know just something tiny like that. Pauls sitting next to me more serious than he usually is. Hes waiting and quiet, which are two things hes usually not. I lean back into the couch. I cant believe Im going to do this, but I think I am. I have to talk to someone, and its not like I can go to Derrick. Hell just warn me away from her, which is what Im supposed to want. Have you ever been with a girl, and it was different than it usually is? Pauls eyebrows rise. We both know who youre talking about, man. Why dont we just say Ziah? And what do you mean, different? I ignore his comment about her name. I dont know. Just different. As in I like her. This sucks. Like hugely. And then it ended, and even though Im the one who put the stop to it, I was mad it was over. I cant even remember if I told him what it was. Okay, let me get this straight. You kissed Ziahbecause I know you did that night. Freaked out and hit the breaks, but you really didnt want to. Youre even more freaked out because you like her and dont know what to do about it? I guess it pissed you off that I flirted with her, too, which I did on purpose, by the way, because I could tell something was up. Now youre trippin out because you realize how much you really like her, and you dont want to? Okay. Talk about different. Yeah I guess you can say that. Because he obviously said it better than I could. Alright, D, Paul stands up. Its obvious youre into her, and thats not a bad thing, ya know? But before you do anything, you need to make sure youre serious. The last thing you want to do is hurt that girl. Shes cool, and your brothers marrying into her family. Personally, I think its cool. You should go for it, but I know you trip out because of your mom. Hes right. I like her. I like that shes grumpy half the time, and that she doesnt take my crap. I like that shes funny and smart. That shes freakin gorgeous and likes good music. Its cool that we can talk, that we like the same movies. But thats friend stuff, right? Except for the gorgeous part. I also like that shes an amazing kisser. Like the way she nibbled my lipthats definitely not friend stuff. And then, I dont know why, but it makes me think of Mom. Remember that one time when my mom brought us to the park for like five hours? She let us play as

long as we wanted. Bought us ice cream. Wasnt all hovering like all the other moms were. We got to do whatever we wanted. She was always cool like that. Paul squints at me as though hes trying to figure me out. How can he not remember this? Is that all you remember about that day? he asks. Now its me who cant figure him out. Well, yeah. Thats what happened. He stalls a minute before replying. Yeah yeah, I remember that day, but Holy shit. Thank God you guys are here. Derrick steps into the room. I just got a phone call, and weve got a job to do. *** Derricks all stressed out on the way to the invitation place, and Im not sure why. Or maybe he said why, but I didnt hear it because I cant stop thinking about my conversation with Paul, trying to remember that day at the park and wondering if there is something missing I dont remember. How could there be? Its not like Paul could know my mom better than I do. I know she was awesome. She was an incredible mom until she was just gone. Were here to pick up the invitations for the Gibson wedding, Derrick tells the girl behind the counter when we get inside the shop. Shes youngprobably in her twenties and shes eying us all up and down, but I cant make myself get into it. Wonderful Which of you is the lucky groom? She starts to walk to a table, and we follow her. Paul and I quickly point to Derrick as he sits in one of the chairs. Thats me. My name is Aubra. I was expecting your fianc. I must say, this is the first time Ive seen the groom pick out the invitations on his own. This catches my attention. Derrick has that deer in the headlights look, so I speak for him. What do you mean, pick them out? Arent we picking them up? No. Lora made the appointment today to have them made up. Were putting a rush on it since the wedding isnt too far out. I understand you had some trouble with a venue? I fall in the chair next to Derrick. Paul takes the one on the other side, and we sit there probably looking like the biggest idiots in the world. But then I realize its just a piece of paper. How hard can it be? A cup rattles on the desk when Aubra drops a huge book onto it. Do you know what youre looking for? We have linen finish, matte finish Oh! Or silk laminate. Theres recycled and unbleached or bleached. This handmade soft paper is really popular, but my favorite is this new wood grain texture. Its beautiful and masculine, depending on the theme of the wedding Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah blah. Is all I hear. No wonder Derrick is freaking. Who knew there were so many different kinds of paper? Derrick. Call your girl. Shes going to kick our asses if we get this wrong. Loras scary about this wedding. I cant believe she would send us to do this. Derricks dialing the phone. Hes on it a few seconds before he hangs up and calls again. He calls three times before he leaves a message, telling her to call because we have no idea what were doing. Dylan, try Ziah, he tells me. Stupid as it sounds, my heart kicks up. I definitely cant say no to my brother, or hell know somethings up. So I call Ziah. Straight to voicemail. Shes not answering. What was Lora thinking? My brothers eyes are all wide. Seriously. This is invitations. Its a big deal. Its on the tip of my tongue to give him hell, but I can tell how important this is to him. He wants to get it right and do it for Lora. Gotta respect him for that. Im guessing shes thinking she trusts you. That you can do this, and that shell be happy with whatever you choose. Really, Im thinking we are so fucked here and wondering if Lora took a ride on the crazy train by giving us this responsibility. You know Lora. Lets just try and think about what she likes. Theres that walkthrough thing with the chandelier or whatever. I think it has branches or twigs or something on it. I have no idea what Im saying. So thats sort of rustic, right? I look at Aubra. Is that a theme? Shes got a half-smile on her face. Sounds like it. And the wedding is at Vista house! Derrick adds. Which is sort of like a castle with all the bricks and stuff. He starts fingering through the paper. What about this? he asks Aubra. I have no idea what kind of paper it is, but it looks like it fits. I think that will be nice. Have you thought about font? Font? Holy shit, weddings are a lot of work. I dont get why all this stuff matters. Cursive? Theres like ten billion different fonts to choose from, Dylan. Even I know that, Paul laughs. I ignore him. We seriously do go through about ten billion different lettering until Derrick finally decides on one. The invitations will be pretty cool. From one side of the paper branches come out across it. Theyre raised a little and remind me of some of the stuff Ive seen Lora looking at.

Luckily he does know what theyre supposed to say, and an hour later, were heading out of the place. Now that the catastrophe is over, and I realize my brothers not going to have a nervous breakdown over a piece of paper, I can give him shit about it. I thought you were going to either piss your pants or pass out, I tease him. What was Lora thinking? Paul says in a mock-girl voice. Screw you guys. He pushes us both, but Paul and I are still cracking up. Aww, were you scared youd get in trouble? Poor Derrick. I trip as he grabs me and puts me in a headlock. It doesnt stop my laughing. After he feels like hes kicked our asses enough, and were all leaning against a wall to catch our breath, he says, You guys give me shit, but I love her. I want things to be perfect for her. She deserves that, and the cool thing is shes the same way about me. Tease me if you want, but Im lucky as hell. I have a girl who would do anything for me, and I would do the same for her. None of us are laughing anymore. Its so crazy to hear my brother nowto see hes like grown up? Gotten over all the shit that happened. Everything. Is that because of him or Lora? I dont know, but for the first time, Im a little jealous of him. Me and Dad, neither of us are where Derrick is. Did you tell her? My voice is quiet. It doesnt even bother me that Paul is here. Right now, I just need to know. Did you tell her about Mom? Derrick puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. I did. The second I knew she meant more to me than just fun, I told her. She deserved to know where I came from. Why I still freeze up once in a while or have a hard time sharing things with her or being as close as we should be. This makes my head snap up. Youre not over it? Then how is he doing this? Most of the time, but I dont know if you ever really get over the stuff that happens to you, D. Its a part of you, but I know Lora isnt Mom. I know its not fair to hold what Mom did against her. But how? Thats what I dont get. How he does it or how he can have that faith in her. I dont think Dad ever thought Mom would bail. And then I think about Ziah, too. She has no idea why I pulled the plug the other day. Shes just had her boyfriend cheat on her what if she thinks Im like that too? That Im rejecting her the way her douche of an ex did. Regardless of our relationship, I care about her. Does that mean she deserves to know too? Dylan, I really need to talk to you about Mom. Theres something you need to know. I look up to see Pauls walked away. Hes standing by the cars. I dont want to talk about her. We need to. Right now, I cant stop thinking about Ziah even though I dont get why. Like you said, its in the past. He squeezes my shoulder again. Not if you dont leave it there. Plus I need to tell you Later, okay? I step away from him. I gotta go. I need to talk to Ziah. Hey! He yells when I get to Mary. You came through for me today. Way to man-up. I nod at him in reply, and Paul walks over to Derrick, who without my having to say it, will bring him home. *** Im nervous as hell when I knock on her door. I clutch a bag in my right hand, still not able to believe I stopped at the store on my way here. Its as good an excuse as any, though. Ive seriously driven by her house like fifty times waiting for her to get home from whatever she did with Lora and then for Lora to leave again. Im about to knock again, when the door pulls open. Ziahs standing there with her hair loose around her head in a tank top and flannel pajama bottoms. Dylan, hey. Whats up? Holding the bag out to her, I say, I got you something. Can I come in? She pulls the door open for me and closes it when I step inside. It looks like her hands shake a little when she opens the bag. A white T-shirt? I shrug. Yeah, I figured I owed you one since I ruined yours the night of the party. Her eyes crinkle when she looks at me. Wow. Thanks. Its a real good one. The fabric is nice and thick. Nice and thick? What is wrong with me? Needing something to do, I walk in and lean against the couch. She comes over and stands in front of me. Whats going on, Dylan? Why are you here? One look at her, and all I can think is I want this girl. I want her so bad it scares the crap out of me. Im not used to wanting something like thisgiving someone that kind of power over me. Thats the scariest part of this.

Before I can wuss out, I start to talk. I wouldnt be good at the whole boyfriend thing, Ziah. My dads yard got sprayed with vomit I was so upset about the wedding. Can you imagine how much Id screw up if it was about me? Even to me, it sounds like a lame excuse. She shakes her head at me. No offense, Dylan, but thats a lame excuse. And I dont remember asking you to be my boyfriend. My eyes find her brown carpet, knowing Im going to have to tell her something that my best friend only knows because hes close with my family. Something that makes my insides feel like theyre rotting out just to talk about. My moms gone. I mean, of course my moms gone. You know my mom isnt around, but she left us. Left me, Derrick, and my Dad. I suck in a breath, suddenly wishing I was back in Dads yard so I could puke again. My gut feels like its being ground apart. Slowly, Ziah walks over and leans next to me. It shocks me because the only time weve been this close is when I mauled her in the tunnels. Im sorry. I didnt know Yeah, its not usually something I offer up freely. You dont have to tell me if you dont want to. Her voice is soft, barley above a whisper. I want to. She raises her eyebrows at me. Okay, I dont want to, but I need to. You deserve to know why I pulled away and stuff. My ear suddenly itches. Or maybe it doesnt, but I need to scratch it just to do something. This is harder than I thought. Even when I was a kid, I knew how lucky I was. I mean, I had the huge house, a cool dad, and the kind of mom who would bring me and my best friend to the park for five hours. She was always doing stuff with us, for us. It was perfect. Is that all you remember about that day? Isnt that what Paul had asked me? A little flash of Mom driving home with red eyes pops into my head. It wasnt the first time Id seen her cry, but thats normal, right? Another picture, seeing her argue with someone in the park. One of the other kids dads. What happened? Sounds nice. Ziahs voice pulls me back to the moment. It was nice. I think she actually caught me sneaking up to watch a movie with her that night. Shed had a pallet on the floor in the living room and let me sleep there with her. Its only Pauls mom around his house, and she pretty much works as much as my dad does now. He was always at my house because we had everything. My parents always treated him like another kid, too. Im rambling. How lame is that? Im not usually a rambler. I feel like such a pussy, but when she squeezes my hand, some of the tension in my chest lightens. She spoiled me, ya know. Thats why Im used to getting my way. I could get away with anything. Not toward the end, though. Shed been so mad. So mad and then nothing. Am I just making this up? Our life was good. Perfect. So yeah, one day I had the perfect life, the next, Mom was gone. Dad was all screwed up. Derrick wouldnt come out of his room. I had no clue. No fucking clue what was going on. Dad tried to pull it together for me, but he couldnt. Ive never felt as alone as abandoned as I did then. I had no one. Tears, tears start to sting my eyes. I wipe them before they can fall. I get it. I was too young, Dad was too messed up, but I was scared. I close my eyes, hoping to make it go away with the darkness, hoping well magically be in that tunnel again making out instead of me crying like a baby. I try to back away. She wont let me get away with it, though. Not Ziah. Shes in front of me, standing between my legs. I cant help but open my eyes to see her. Derrick actually came around first. He manned up like he always does and took care of me. Told me Mom was gone and we didnt need her. That wed be better off without her. Without any girls. We were so young and dumb making that lame pact, but we stuck to it because we didnt want to be ruined like Dad was. Soon, Dad came around, too. He tried. Were still lucky, ya know? He loves us. His Gibson boys. Ziahs quiet for a minute and then finally speaks. I didnt know. Lora never told me God, Im so sorry, Dylan. That had to have been so hard. Do you know where she is? How is it Im not more wrecked than I am? How is it that being by her kind of makes it okay? Hell no, and good riddance. I dont ever want to see her again. We dont need her. How many times has Derrick said that to me? Were all fine without her. Ziah steps close to me. I feel her everywhere, inside and out, and theres a part of me that wants to soak in it. But I cant. Thats why I was so pissed at Derrick about the wedding. I know it sounds stupid, but we promised. He went back on that. I guess, I kind of get it, but, I shrug. I dont want to lose him, too.

She runs her hand through my hair, and it feels so good. Dylan, youre not going to lose him. Hes your brother. But my mom was my mom, and she ran away from us. As much as I hate it, I stand up. Ziah backs away from me. The words sound all wrong in my head, like they dont fit or something, but I make myself say them anyway. I have to. So yeah, thats why I dont do the relationship thing. I dont ever want to be like my dad was. And I know youre the relationship kind of girl. I dont want screw up our friendship. So youre just going to be alone forever? I dont answer her question. Thats when I know I have to go. Listen, I gotta run. I just wanted you to know. Its not you. Its me. And thats really not a line, I swear. I should turn and walk away, but I dont. Her eyes are all big and watery. Shes biting her lip, and I know she doesnt want me to go. I cant believe Im going to admit this, but I have to. I like you, but I hold out my hand. Friends? I ask. We can still hang out. Designated wedding planners and all. I have fun with you, Hanes. I try for light and know Im not pulling it off. I see her chest rise and fall as she takes a deep breath. Gently she shakes her head, steps forward and holds out her hand. Friends.

Eighteen ~ Ziah ~

Im wondering as I watch Dylan drive away how pathetic I am for wishing hed have given me a hug. I want to scream, its so infuriating, but at the same time, I get it. Hes such a bad idea for me that I should be glad, but I also feel enough around him to know that it still sucks. *** So. Lora bursts into my room. The girls are coming in this weekend for some girl time and final dress fittings. Okay. When does this start? Now! Karissa and Mardie burst in behind her. And, Mardie jumps onto my bed, sending her short, black hair flying. Its a little crazy since Ive only met her once, but shes like a ball of Asian crazy-fury. I got you a fake ID so you can come out with us tonight. I stare at Lora with wide eyes. Lora shrugs. Its Saturday afternoon. I want NO talking about homework or anything but fun. Come on, Ziah. Karissa gives me a big smile. Her hairs red now, and I actually cant remember what color it was last time I saw her. I stand up off my bed, and set my American government text down. Now we need to dress you. Karissa stands in front of my closet frowning. Um If were just going to try on dresses, how does it matter what I wear? I ask. The two friends both freeze and stare at me. Lora laughs. Dont worry, Ziah. Youll get used to them. Best to just nod and smile. Loras grinning and relaxed. Probably just glad not to be the only object of their attention. Mardie turns to Karissa. I think Ziah needs that blue halter top of yours. Oh! Karissas eyes widen. Yes, and find some skinny jeans. I stand in my room in a daze, and by the time theyre all done primping, theres no spot of carpet visible on my floor, and I dont feel like myself. But I do think I might pass for twenty-one. Im under this makeup somewhere, Im just not sure where. *** All of us are in our dresses, and standing together, I finally get it. Loras dress is that slim sheath of antiqued lace that drifts out around hergorgeous doesnt even begin to describe it. Me, Mardie, and Karissa are all in the same simple black heels, and our dresses are all very different but go together. Mines totally the best, and Lora even had them add some sheer lace to the top so I dont feel too naked. All the sewing is done, and they just marked Karissas for her lack of chest. So not fair. Mardie shakes her head at me. You and your sister have the same tall, lithe body. Im stuck forever as cute. Karissa laughs. Shes not quite as tall as Lora and I, but shes thin, almost too thin. Almost no boobs, and her red hair isnt as shockingly red now that its pulled up. But its still shockingly red. Wow, Mom says as she sits watching. You girls all look so beautiful. Loras beaming. Im getting married. Like really, seriously, getting married. We stand in this awkward group hug of girlie elbows and perfumes and overdone hair. Lets go get wasted. Karissa laughs as she jogs in the shoes back to her dressing room. Ziah. Mom gives me her stern look, and instead of being embarrassed, I walk carefully toward her in my stilt shoes while the girls head the other way. Im definitely going to need some practice time in these heels. I have no idea what these girls have planned, but heres my credit card. If you need a cab home, just do it, okay? She slides me her card. Okay. Thanks, Mom. I have no idea what were up to tonight, but Im not going to be the one who goes home early. Im done with James, theres no Dylan, and I look like Well, old enough to have some fun. ***

Im floating. And laughing. And Ive been hit on so many times, my egos probably almost as big as Dylans. The boys will be here any second. Lora raises her glass before her and her two friends down another shot. Im drinking a margarita, and its amazing. Im not sure how many Ive had, but weve been here a long time. My lips are totally numb, so Im thinking a way lot. I knew Loras friends were fun, but I had no idea they were so hysterical. Im laughing harder than I remember laughing in forever. Derrick runs up behind Lora and grabs her around the waist. She screams but turns and falls into his arms. Wow. You got a head start. He chuckles as she pulls away. You cant keep up with me when we start at the same time. She kisses his cheek. I figure were even. Derrick laughs and some blond guy that must be a friend of his from out of town slaps him on the back, and in moments, Blondie and Karissa are dancing on the small corner of the bar thats a sort-of dance floor. And theres Dylan. Who is staring. And Im not afraid of him at all anymore. At all. Way at all. This is brilliant. He walks around the table, Im assuming to say hi to me because weve been talking a bit since his whole big admission on why hes such a chicken shit about relationships. I giggle a little. Chicken shit. And when I stand up to greet him, the room tilts at such a crazy angle that I end up in his arms. My face is plastered against his hard, delicious smelling chest, and hes holding me up. Hi. He has this funny little smug smile. I frown as I stand and find my feet again, staying way too close. Youre not twenty-one. How did you get in? My dads business partner owns the place. Dylan still looks smug. How did you get in? I ignore his question. Do you think I look pretty? Im only half aware this is something Id never, ever, in a million years say. I even spin around so he can see my super-tight jeans and Karissas blue halter top, which might be a size too small, and my hair, which is in a perfectly messy pile on my head, leaving my neck exposed and my back bare. Of course you do. His eyes dart around before he does his ear-scratchy thing. Wanna dance? I reach out my hand. Iuh Ill dance with you, some guy says from behind me. When I turn to face him, hes pretty cute. Too old for me, but what the hell. One dance. Perfect. I reach my arm up and slide it over his shoulder as his hands slide around the lowest part of my waist. I dont think so. Lora grabs my arm. The guy looks between us twice and backs away. Ziah. She puts a hand on either shoulder and looks at me way too closely. How much have you had to drink? Her face is so scowly and hilarious. I start to giggle again. Derricks smirking behind her, and Mardie starts to duck away. Oh, no you dont. Lora turns to Mardie. How many of these things has she had? Mardie shrugs. I dunno. You were here, too. But Mardie was sneaking them in. I giggle again. Thank you. Mardies eyes widen at me, which brings Loras attention to her and off me. Its one thing to let her come, but shes plastered. Lora sighs. I tug on my bottom lip, pulling it away from my face wondering if I can see it because it feels funny. Mardie leans toward Lora. We were curious, you know? You can drink like a fish and just keep on moving, but Ziah Cant. Lora puts her arm around me. We should get you home. I just got here. Derrick slides his arm around her waist. I get all warm and fuzzy again seeing them close together. I touch them both on the cheek and push their faces a little closer together. You two are soooo beautiful. Your children will be almost as gorgeous as me. And then I lose it laughing until Lora catches me because drunk and stilts dont go together. Maybe tonight wasnt a good night to practice in the heels. At least youre a happy drunk. Lora rubs her hand on my back a little. Geez, Ziah. Really.

I start to talk, but Im still laughing too hard. Giggles tickle my body making me laugh more, and the room is like the best roller coaster ride ever. Come on, Hanes. Dylans arm slides around my waist. Ill get you home. Why do you have to smell so delicious? I frown. Hygiene. And I thought that was a good thing. He turns to see me, but it puts our faces close together, and I lose my head a little. Not when it gives me these happy tinglings way down here. I tickle Dylan just under his belt, and he half-jumps away, which makes me stumble. Oh-kay. Derrick slaps his brother on the back and leans in close. I strain my ears. Lora told me about the kiss. No touching. Im serious. Derricks practically growling, which is hilarious. Dylan knocks his brothers arm off him. Give me some credit, will ya? Sorry. Derrick pats his back before stepping back. If Mom and Dad are up, just blame me. Ill deal with it tomorrow. Lora gives me a kiss on my cheek. Im still floating as Dylan leads me to his car. Maybe I should be mad I have to leave, but this night is too fun for me to care. *** Marys so wide that theres this enormous space between us. Im too far away from you. I pout. At least I think Im pouting. Im not sure Ive ever tried it before. I feel invincible. Like I could fly away. Like I could say anything. For what? He readjusts his hands on the steering wheel and stares straight out at the road. To mess with you while you drive. Marys too big. I lean toward him smiling, but his eyes are focused on the street. Dont be mean to Mary just because youre drunk, okay? Im not that drunk. I dont think. Ive never had more than one beer, or one glass of wine. Ever. Really? He cocks a brow and finally turns to smile at me. Bet Im not too drunk to kiss you. Dylan goes rigid again. Just for fun, I decide to press him further and reach across the car, putting my hand high on the inside of his thigh. We swerve, Dylan curses and pushes my hand away. Did I distract you? I tease as I poke his cheek. Always, he mutters. It was worth leaving the bar just for this.

Nineteen ~ Dylan ~

I deserve sainthood. Really. Or knighthood. Or something. Ziahs plastered to my side as I lead her up the front steps of her house. Her arms are circled around me, and my hand is on her waist. God, she was gorgeous tonight in her tight pants and the blue top. Im pretty sure she did it just to drive me crazy. When Derrick told me his friend from college was coming down for a final fitting, Id been stoked. Not because of them, but because of the girl in my arms right now. I knew Id get to see her, too. Her coats on now, but before It was almost more than the dress. Shes managed to walk that perfect line between sexy as hell but still Ziah, and it about killed me not to be able to touch her bare shoulder or her back. Well, were touching now, but its different. This is because she needs my help, not just because we want to explore each other. Its strange because this is good, too. Probably too good. Ive never had so much fun helping someone before. You got a key, Hanes? I ask. Nope. Shit. Now what? Im afraid to try the doorbell. Id much rather just drop her off than risk her parents catching us. Good thing Margarita smells good, but the alcohol still takes over. Not that her glassy eyes wouldnt be enough to tip anybody off. Itll be unlocked. She sort of points in the direction of the door. Weird. My house has a gate code, an alarm, and two locks. We stumble through the door, and all Im trying to do is be quiet. Ziah doesnt seem worried about it at all, letting the screen door slap shut and dropping her coat on the floor. Ziah, shh. But Im distracted again by her topwhat there is of it anyway. She turns, so her front is pressed against me. Her arms are around my neck. What will you do to me? The list of things I want to do to her is getting longer every second. I shove my hands in my back pockets, so Im not tempted to do anything stupid. Youre home. I gotta run. This girl is killing me. I wonder if she knows how much I really like her. She should. I wouldnt have told anyone what I said to her about my mom. Her body presses into me farther. Will you help me upstairs? I know I should say no. I mean, thats like the first rule when youre in my position and have no plans to hook up. But I dont. Instead I put my arm around her again and lead her upstairs. Luckily, her door is quiet when we open it. Her room is a mess, which I would not have expected from Ziah. There are books on a shelf, but some are lying down and some upright. Her desk is full of papers and there is an overflowing clothes basket in the corner. Shes full of contradictions, and I like that about her. Okay. Youre here. You gotta let me go. Not only do I need to get away from her, but her parents are probably down the hall. The last thing I need is them walking in on us right now. As soon as you give me a kiss. Wow Drunk Ziah has balls. I groan. Ziah, no She closes her eyes and tilts her head away from me, pointing to this soft spot on her neck, just below her ear. Right here, and then I promise to let you go. Sainthood. Seriously. Im having another one of those moments when I feel myself doing what I know I shouldnt do. My lips touch her skin, and it hits me just like it did in that tunnel. My whole body reacts. Wants more while at the same time, it already feels like more. Her arms are still around my neck and she pushes in closer. So close that our faces almost touch. My hands rest low on her waist. That wasnt so hard, right? Shes breathless and staring at my lips. Not so hard. I swallow. If she wasnt drunk, Id probably really screw up the friendship thing right now. My thumbs are tracing the skin along the top of her jeans. God. I have to stop. Night, Hanes. I drop my arms.

She frowns. Night. I cant believe that didnt wake her parents. And I have to get home before I do something really stupid, like walk back up the stairs and kiss her again. *** I havent stopped thinking about Ziah since Saturday. About how she smelled and how she looked and what her room looked like. The little mole I saw behind her ear when I kissed her, and how shed curled her feet up on Marys seat and it didnt even bother me. And crap what I told her. I still cant believe it. Derrick keeps trying to bring up Mom, and I wont let him. I swear he looks relieved every time I skip out on the conversation. I dont get why he keeps trying to talk to me about her if he obviously doesnt want to go there. At lunch Becky and Chastity ask if they can ride with Paul and I. We climb into the Hummer and hit up Taco Bell. Lunch off-campus is only for seniors, so we make sure to hang out the window and talk crap to the lowerclassmen as we tear out of the parking lot. After ordering, we sit in the lot to eat. As soon as the food is consumed, Becky and Pauls lips are locked as he leans her into the side of Mary. Dude, quit getting busy on my car, I call to him. Without taking his lips off Becky, he flips me off. Laughing at him, I climb into the driver seat to listen to some music before we have to go back. Less than thirty seconds later, Chastity is climbing in the passengers seat. Whacha doing? she asks. Trying to keep my lunch in my stomach, which wouldnt be a problem if I didnt have to watch the two of them swap spit. I push buttons on the CD player, trying to find the song I want. So.what ya been up to? Nothing, you? Im still fooling with the dial. Chastity crosses her legs, and turns toward me a little. Finally! I find the song and lean back in my seat. Nothing new Whats this? she picks up my sketchbook. Dont look at that! I grab it from her. Sorry, its nothing. I tuck it under my seat and try to focus on the music again. My eyes close, and damn if I dont think about Ziah again. And Derrick and Lora. The way he holds her and looks at her. When I feel a hand on my thigh, I jump. Dylan? Yeah? I dont open my eyes. Dylan. She says a little more urgently this time. I was thinking maybe we could hang out tonight? My eyes open now. I should say yes. Theres a part of me that kind of wants to say yes, but the word doesnt come out of my mouth. I told Ziah we were only friends, but it still doesnt feel right. I thought you and Ted were together? She shakes her head, looking a little sad. No. We broke up again. And so she comes to me, which I guess I knew she would all along. Chastity comes to me for fun, but shes really into someone else. It never bothered me before because, well, I only want fun, too, but now it feels weird. Im just not feelin it like I used to. I dont think so, Chas. Im just looking to chill right now. Got a lot going on with my family and stuff. She pulls her hand away, not looking hurt, but maybe a little annoyed. Its just I have a lot on my plate. Im trying not to add anything more. By the look on her face, Im pretty sure that just came out all wrong. Not that youd be on my plate but you know what I mean. Hopefully, because I sure dont. All this girl wants is to have a good time with me. It makes no sense for me to say no to that. You and Ted will get back together in no time. I hope so She mumbles, and for the first time, I wonder if there is more to Chastity than I thought. We can all hang out, though. Im just not into hanging out, hanging out. You have it really bad for someone, dont you? I scoff at that, but it makes me a little uncomfortable too. No. She laughs at me. Whatever, Dylan. I swear, I will never understand boys. Yeah, me either. I dont understand myself or the opposite sex. Im wondering if theres anything I really do know.

*** Its decided that Im skipping school on Tuesday, and were doing something for fun before Derrick and Loras friends go back to Boulder. Its not like Im going to argue with skipping school, but I have to admit Im pretty sketched out about seeing Ziah. This girl is turning me into knots. Im tripping out on what its going to be like just to hang out with her after I bared my friggin soul, and then she got drunk and asked me to kiss her. Totally not a friend thing to do, so can we still just be friends? Im hoping so because I like hanging out with her way more than I thought I would. Ziahs face gets all scrunched up as I step up and say hi at the beginning of the paintball course. Im stoked this is what they chose for us to do. Whats with you? I ask as I nudge her with my elbow. Just Her cheeks pink and then red. The other night. When you dropped me off I just Oh. Shes totally nervous about the other night. That kind of makes me feel better since I was too. I laugh. No worries, Hanes. Happens to the best of us. How was your hangover? Hangover makes it sound like it takes less than a day to wear off. And it definitely didnt. She shakes her head, obviously still embarrassed about the whole thing. No more drinking for Ziah. Well, if you ever decide to drink again, stick with me. You gotta find the happy buzz, and Alright! Derrick interrupts. Were breaking up into boy/girl teams. I call Lora! I raise my hand to give my brother crap. Its not like hes letting Lora on any team but his. Haha. When did you turn into a comedian? He puts his arm around her. I grab Ziah and pull her to my side. Were supposed to be friends, so thats what Im doing. Thats okay. Ziahs tougher anyway. Derrick just rolls his eyes. Paul pairs up with Mardie and Sam with Karissa. Ziahs wearing camo, which is pretty freaking cool, and as soon as Derrick says go, each group of two takes off into a different area of the course. Come on. Im holding her hand as we run. We take up behind a big wall, both of us panting hard. Karissa was scared to death to do this. I say we go for them first, Ziah tells me. Good looking out. Theres a hole in the wall, so I look through it. Theyre by the tree on the left. Wanna go for it? Absolutely. We make a run for it, and then hide behind another wall. I point, and she immediately catches what Im saying. We each head around different sides to close in on Karissa and Sam. Ten seconds later, we take them out. Karissa screams like crazy, but looks way too happy about being done. If I know Paul, hes coming for us. Ziah smiles. We got this. When Paul jumps out from behind a mock-building, I shoot him. Ziahs aim is awesome, and she gets Mardie. Hell, yeah! I hold up my hand, and she gives me five. Right then Derrick jumps out. I shoot at him and miss. He takes off again, hiding. I think Lora went first, Ziah tells me. Attack or retreat? She raises her eyebrows, and I dont need her to reply. Attack, we say at the same time. And we do. It takes a lot longer to get Lora and Derrick than it did the others, but eventually we take them out, too. When they both have red pain splattered across their chests, I collapse to the ground. Ziah is right next to me. Were both breathing hard. That was awesome. As soon as the words clear her mouth she starts laughing. I cant help but laugh, too. I dont let myself question why I told Chastity no or whats going on. Its not about how hot she is or how good it feels to kiss her. Shes just cool as hell, and I like hanging out with her. *** I am so lame. Seriously, I would make fun of myself if it didnt make me even lamer. I knew I liked Ziah. That I enjoyed kissing her, and that I told Chastity no probably because of Ziah. But somehow, just laughing with her on the paintball course, and how well we work together is the last straw that makes me know Im in over my head. I cant stop thinking about her, and I both want to stop and dont at the same time. Im not sure when I turned into that guythe one whos scared to move forward, but doesnt want to back up either.

It sucks. Derrick trusts Lora, but its like a roadblock I cant get past. Ive tried. And Dad cant either, which is why Im sitting outside his building like an idiot. Its one of my favorite places to come and draw. The noise of the city somehow settles me. On any given day, I have my choice of a million different pictures to capture. Theyre never the same, except his building. The constant in the ever-changing picture of the city. Putting pencil to paper, I start with the outline of the structure in front of me. The windows, the glass. I know exactly which one is Dads office, where Im sure hes working like crazy, even more distracted than usual. But at least I feel close to him here. This place is my dad. Soon the building has eyes, familiar eyes. And a smile and hair. Like I said, totally lame. Dyl, what are you doing here? I turn to see my dad walking across the grass toward me. Its actually a sunny day. He looks tired, or maybe a little nervous to see me. Hes been out even more than usual lately. Nothing. Thought Id see what youre up to. I close my sketch book. Just working. Thought Id take a little break and saw you out here. He rubs the back of his neck. I dont reply. Im not sure how. Something is off different. He fills in my silence. Ive been meaning to ask you, are you okay with everything? Derrick, the wedding? I know I know you took it hard. Derricks a smart kid, though. And this is my opening. If I can take it. What if hes not? Dad sighs, looking at the ground, a tree, anything but me. I really screwed up with you, didnt I, son? Because your mother that doesnt mean it will go the same for Derrick. That doesnt mean you boys shouldnt live your lives. That you shouldnt ever take that step. All relationships dont end the way mine and your moms did. Then Im rubbing my neck, too. Why dont you live your life, then? Why didnt you ever move on? Do you still believe in love? Is it worth the risk? Whoa. Love? That came out of nowhere. Dad sits on the ground in his suit next to me. This isnt my dad. Hes not a suit-in-the-grass kind of guy. Because Im stupid? Weak? Im not sure, Dylan. But I can tell you its lonely. Without you boys, I dont know what Id do. I hear his voice crack. My dad, who showed how broken he was when she left but now never shows emotion, is giving me a glimpse of his pain. Im not sure I want to be like that. Theres a girl Loras sister, actually. I kind of like her. Maybe really like her, but I told her we could only be friends. Dad shifts. Theres a woman in my office who asked me out for drinks. Its the first time since your mom left that I wanted to say yes, but I didnt. Dont be like me, Dylan. Youre too young, have too much life in you for that. Out of all of us, youve always been the one with the most lifeand the one who took her leaving the hardest. Thats my fault for not being there for you. His eyes shift, and he sucks in a breath. I left you too, didnt I? Yes, you did I cant help it, I hug him. We probably look crazy, but I dont care. He squeezes me back, and now its his words that are replacing my thoughts. Dont be like me, Dylan. Would you ever want to see her again? Its up to you, son, but if the opportunity came, would you want to see her? His words shock me, kind of jolt me away from him. What? No. I shake my head. She was everything, and then she left. I hate her for that. And thats the truth. She was the one I watched movies with at night, and the one who made me cookies or brought me to the park. She was my world and then she burned it down. You were young so young, when she left. She was She was what? I want to ask, but I let him finish. No matter what, I loved her. Through it all. I guess that makes me even more to blame than her. Suddenly, I need to make him feel better. No one forced her to leave. She just did. Its not your fault. You should go out with that lady, Dad. No offense, but its probably been way too long since you got some. Dad laughs and shakes his head. Only you, Dyl. Then more seriously, Ill think about it. You, on the other hand. Well, not the get some part because I dont even want to think about that, but you shouldnt run like I do. Give yourself a chance to be happy. Dont be afraid to have something realsomething that means more. Ill think about it, I counter, and I will. Im not sure I can go there, but I might want to try. Because hes right. I dont want to be like him alone. Thanks,

Dad. I stand up. Theres more. We really need to talk, Dylan. Or you need to talk to your brother. Groaning, I ask, Is it good? Actually, dont answer that. I can tell. Can we do it later though? I think Ive had enough for today. I know its something bad. He wouldnt bring it up if it wasnt, and Im kind of sick of bad. You should really stop giving us excuses to put this off. I know, Dad. Soon, okay? I have something I need to do. Dad nods. Ill see ya later. And thanks. I love you. I dont remember the last time we said that to each other. I love you too, Dad.

Twenty ~ Ziah ~

Its not that Dylan never calls me; its just that it doesnt happen often. Whats up? I answer. I wanna get together. Do something. You know, hang out. His voice sounds a little weird. Ill see you this weekend, remember? What? All the people who actually go to college have the week off, remember? Thats why they picked the date for the wedding. So they could all have a week of fun before the big day. Lora said were getting together Saturday. I thought maybe we could get together sooner? Im not sure if I trust myself around Dylan without a group, but I dont want to blow him off. I have a few big tests this week and will definitely not be any fun. How about I see you on Saturday for dinner, and well plan something to save ourselves from what will probably be wedding-week insanity. Yeah. Okay. Cool. When we hang up, I get this weird feeling Dylan walked around what he wanted to say but never said it. After the last time we had a big talk, Im sort of relieved he didnt. *** Ziah! James jogs up to my locker. Its both comforting and weird that were talking again. Its better than avoiding, but I dont think well ever have the easy friendship we had before we started dating. It does make me think twice before trying to date a friend again. Maybe Dylans right to be scared. Whats up? I talked to that Matthew kid whos so good in our AP English? And he said he can get together with us next Wednesday if we want to gear up for big test after break. I scan his face for any sign that more might be going on, but I dont find it. With Matthew? James rolls his eyes. That would be the point, yeah. Okay. That week is crazy, but I need all the help I can get. Im in. Great. He smiles wide, and its more relaxed and less forced. James and I will be okay. *** Its Saturday before the wedding, and were all at the first event of what is sure to be a week of insanity. It started with Alyssa and Paul shamelessly flirting at the tableboth over the top and ridiculous, but at least they were entertaining. After the last time I went out with Lora and her friends, she promised Mom an early night. I owe you a dance. Dylan takes my hand and pulls me from my chair. The whole crew is out tonight, and even Alyssa tagged along for fun. The music slows as we hit the small dance floor, and Dylan pulls me close. My heart starts pounding. Relax, Hanes. He grins as he pulls me closer, pressing our stomachs together. Right. Relax. You always smell good, I say. Im not sure its something youre supposed to say to your friend, but instead of pulling away, he breathes in and pulls me even closer. So do you, he whispers as he leans in even more. Were almost cheek to cheek, and a shiver runs through me as his breath touches my ear and neck. Ive been wanting to talk to you he starts. Shhhh. I let myself really relax into him like I never have. He started it, so Im feeling like Im safe. I readjust my arms around his neck wanting to be closer when Im not totally sure its possible. But Please. Just dance and relax for a few. I lean into him farther as our bodies move together.

Dylan says nothing, and his hands slide lower on my waist. Are we dancing like this to a fast song? It doesnt matter. The heat from him radiates through my body. Our hips move together, and his fingers trace patterns on my back. As my nerves start to take over, I swallow. Hard. Now his hands slide up my bare arms, and mine are making patterns in his hair. Dirty dancing! Paul nudges us from the side. Nice. He wags his brows as Alyssa falls easily into his arms, and they laugh together as they dance. Dylan sighs. I move away, but just slightly. His hands rest on my shoulders, and he whispers again. I really want to talk to you. Im so afraid of another, I like you, but cant, speech, I rest my head on his shoulder, willing him to be quiet. Derrick steps next to us and whispers, Hands off, and were leaving in about ten. Dylan shoves him away. Okay. He looks at me with annoyance on his face. I need air. Im coming. I have no idea what this is about, but I get the same feeling I did on the phone. That Dylan has something to say and doesnt know how to say it. My gut turns over in nerves. We step out the small back door into a downpour. Shit, Dylan sighs. I step into the alleyway behind the restaurant letting the cold water soak me. Ziah. He grabs my hand as he follows me out. I dont want you to get cold or wet. Its too late. Im in the rain in the dark. I look up at the sky and let it hit my face. The raindrops reflect the city lights above me, and its breathtakingsmall slashes of silver in the sky. When I let my face come back down, Dylans staring. My stomach flips. I want him to look at me like that more than I want anything. Why did he have to drag me out here? Why does he want to talk? Why havent I been able to let go of his hand? Hey. Only the rain is coming down so hard I have to speak it, not whisper. Hey. His eyes hit me, and I know that look better than anything. Theres no way hes not thinking about me the way Im thinking about him. His arms come around me, and I shouldnt want them to but I do. It feels so good to let him hold me. Better than I remembered, or maybe its just that Ive thought about his arms for way more time than I should. My head rests on his shoulder, my arms slide around to his back, and I dont care that were getting soaked or that the alley smells. My hair begins to stick to my face, and I swear as we stand together, something changes in the way were touching. I havent exactly moved, but its like my body is starting to take over. Its like the dance floor, only more intense because were alone and theres no music. Only, I dont know if my heart can stand to be crushed again if he moves away first, so I do. Pulling away means our eyes lock. My arms are still around him, and his arms are still around me. There is no willpower left in me right now. It just doesnt matter when were here like this. He hesitates briefly. Im still frozen in place, electricity running through me, forcing my heart to beat more franticly. His lips touch mine first, and hes so soft, so sweet. His face is cold and wet, and the rain drips down, mixing between us. My mouth opens to kiss him again, and I can taste him and taste the rain. Why does he have to feel so good, so perfect? Our kiss deepens, and it takes all my willpower to keep some sort of sound from coming up my throat. Im not sure I succeed. The more time I spend with him, the more touching him overwhelms me. A weight rests on my chestbig, flat, and heavy. I cant do this. If hed changed his mind, he would have said something, right? And now as much as the warmth of his lips is the most perfect thing ever, I just cant kiss someone who doesnt want more from me. The weight settles deeper down than just my chest. My arms drop, and I step away. But it doesnt feel like I just dropped my arms. It feels like someone just dropped me. I stare at the ground while I take a few breaths in. Anything to try and keep my voice even. I cant I let my eyes find his, and its such a big mistake because theyre filled with everything I want from him. And he cant give it to me. I cant do this. I back up and grab the handle of the door. The silver drops of rain slap against my face. Against his face. Ziah, wait, I He steps toward me. I stop, still holding the door, my back pressed against the wet metal. What? Please say youve changed your mind. Please tell me Im worth it. Im worth the risk. As the rain streams down my face, my consolation is that if I start to cry, hell never know. I he sucks in a breath and looks around us a few times. His hand grabs the back of his neck, and Im learning this means hes nervous. My heart jumps at the thought. And it shouldnt jump, because hes Dylan. That seems like a risk in itself, but the more Im around him, the more surprising he becomes. In a good way. An amazing way. I like you. A lot. And I know this sucks for you if you feel anything like I do. His eyes cant stay on me. This is all Dylan, and all real. I can hear my breathing over the sound of the rain. Like I want to be close, but Im not sure how or...

I want to touch him again, but Im almost afraid to. Like Ill break the moment and stop whatever hes about to say. Just know Im trying. I want to be with you. I mean, more than friendsand Im trying. And my heart sort of melts into my insides, and hes scary because putting myself out there for someone like him makes my chances of another broken heart, like double. But I cant help it. I step back into his arms, my heart hitting hard in the cage of my ribs. My eyes close, and I let his warmth wrap me up. And this is me and this is the real Dylan, and its like hes everything. Hes the need and the sparks and the laughter, and he touches my heart in a way its never been touched before. Its terrifying and so honest it makes me dizzy. Thanks for giving me something real, I say. I just dont want you to think Im messing with you. His fingers touch my cheek. Havent you realized I like it when you mess with me? I take his hands and rest them low on my waist. He chuckles. God, Ziah. Could you make yourself harder to resist? That wouldnt really work in my favor. My cheeks heat up. I cant believe I just said that. Well, you, he kisses my cheek, make me say stuff all the time I never thought Id say. Lets hope we keep that up. Im soaked, and Im freezing. But I dont care. Nothing could pull me from this spot. Yeah. His lips brush mine once more, and then once more again. I step back just far enough that were not touching, and Im sort of in shock and amazed. I smile hugely and look up at the sky again just for a moment. There you guys are! Lora yells from the end of the alleyway. I have your coat, Ziah. Come on! Were freezing! Everyones waiting! My heart pounds from nearly being caught and Im not ready to let him go, but our night is over. Dylan and I dont have to say anything to each other. We know this is just for us right nowhe probably wont be talking to Derrick, and I wont be talking to Lora. We walk close, arms touching, but not holding hands. Loras waiting at Moms car with Karisssa, Alyssa, and Mardie, and well be separated. Way too soon. Not caring what anyone has to say or think, I give Dylan a hug, the rain still soaking us through. Ill call you tomorrow, he whispers. I squeeze him tighter before letting him go. He steps back, drops my hands and starts to run through the silvery droplets toward his brothers car. As much as I should keep my heart in my chest, part of it runs away with him. And maybe that means part of his might be here with me.

Twenty-One ~ Dylan ~

You just want me close to you. I flop into the oversized chair in Ziahs living room and rest my feet on the ottoman. I called her todayokay, first thing this morningand as soon we knew our siblings would be out doing whatever it is they do all the time, I came over. Its big enough for two, and its the only piece of furniture that directly faces the TV. I let her get by with her excuses when she smiles. Every time I look at her, I see her last night. How she looked up at the sky, water shimmering down her body as she soaked it in. There was none of that typical girl stuff, worry about ruining make-up, hair issues, or whatever. She just took itwanted itand somehow, that one momentthe way her hair molded against her face, the same strand thats driven me crazy for months nowdestroyed all my resistance. And she smiled. Then all sorts of other thoughts started pounding down on me. How she gives me crap, the look of murder in her eyes when I spilled my drink on her that first night, and how she now looks at me in a way I never knew I wanted a girl to look at me. It was like I woke up, and it wasnt dark anymore. I realized it before, but not until that moment did I comprehend how much I like this girl. That I actually want to give her those things she wants. That shes worth it. Worth the risk of being left behind. And maybe, just maybe that would never happen. She might not be like Mom. Of course, what came out was Im trying, but it got us here. So thats okay. She puts the movie on, and now shes moving stuff around, putting stuff away that can wait. Sitting in this chair together was her idea, and now shes nervous. Sit down, Hanes. If you freak out, Ill freak out. Lets just watch the movie. She falls in beside me. My arm is around the back of the chair, and shes pressed up against me but still sort of stiff. Its crazy how she can just go for things sometimes but is nervous others. I cant believe you burned the popcorn. Hopefully my teasing will loosen her up. I told you I cant cook. Thats not cooking. She just shrugs and laughs a little, and I love that I can be close to her like this and still tease her. The movie starts, so I pull her close and finally, finally she loosens and molds herself against me. Were about through the movie, and I cant stop thinking about the fact that Im sitting here watching a movie with her. That Im okay just chillin with her instead of pulling her to my lap and kissing her. I mean, I definitely want to do that, but this is okay, too. Suddenly, I need to tell her, want to make sure she knows Im not playing games with her. Theres no one I could watch old movies with like this. No one even knows I watch them. Just you I like being with you, too. She somehow gets what I tried to say. And then Im looking down at her, and shes looking up at me. Were close. I say, which is ridiculous. Of course were close. My hand moves to her cheek and then my lips press against hers. I kiss her gently, as though shes breakable, when shes anything but. Then I grab her waist and pull us even closer than we were before. This kiss feels different than our others. Shes definitely a voodoo girl. Maybe not angry, but shes cast a spell on me that makes me crazy and makes me want her more and more. Our legs tangle together on the ottoman. She goes to my head, making me foggy and in need of something I never knew I missed. Something I cant even define. I cant get enough of her. I deepen our kiss. My body is pulled toward hers like a magnet. I cant deny the tugging I feel inside me. Sliding my hand behind her neck, I touch her hair, let the strands wrap around my fingers as we kiss. God, I want her. But I like her, too. That sort of clears my head because part of me is begging for more, but I know she was with James for almost a year. I dont think she went very far with him, and here I am grinding against her on her moms floral chair. As much as it physically feels like my body will explode, I make myself pull away. This is a good part.

And so she knows Im not pulling away, I really do pull her onto my lap and hold her. When were sitting like this, it makes me realize being with someone isnt hard when youre with the right girl. Maybe this is what moving forward feels like. *** Im sitting in class all antsy. I totally dont feel like being here. The sun is out and calling my name. I know Im supposed to see Ziah a ton this week because of the wedding, but all of a sudden, thats not soon enough. I know better than to ask her to skip, so the best I can think of is getting out of this place myself before I go crazy. Yeah, I like her, but this whole jonesing for a girl thing is weird. I feel like Derrick. As soon as the bell rings, I know the rest of the school day is going to have to find a way to get along without me. Instead of hitting my locker, I go straight for the Hummer. A few minutes later, Im towering over all the other cars on the road and then turning down my street. I pull up next to a strange car in the driveway, and wonder who the hells at our house in the middle of the day. My first thought is Dad decided to buy something new, but a BMW really isnt Dads thing. Plus, it wouldnt be a reason for him to be home when he should be at work. Then it hits me. Holy crap! Did Dad bring a woman home? I mean, we talked about it and I want him to go for it, but the thought is a little freaky. Still, theres a part of me thats thinking, Go, Dad, too. He works fast. Figuring it wont be too hard to sneak in and make it to the game room without being noticed, I slip into the house. Voices float out of the kitchen: Dads and a womans. I dont know what it is, but something about the voice makes my chest pinch. Its a little nagging feeling that slowly, with each step I take toward the kitchen, multiplies, spreading further and further out from the epicenter. My feet feel like weights. My heart is pounding. Whats wrong with me? I stand planted on the kitchen floor and everything, every fucking thing in my life shifts. Im cracking like a windshield hit with a rock. I hate myself for being so weak, gasping for breath like I did when Derrick locked himself in the room and Dad wouldnt stop crying. Rage jolts through me, battling for dominance over the pain. Dylan Dads eyes catch mine, and I can see. He knows he screwed up. That Im going to explode at any second. Son And then she turns. The person who made Paul, Derrick, and me cookies. The one who made me feel like the luckiest kid in the world, who brought me to the park for hours and held me when I was scared. The stuff I tried to forget, too. The person who cried a lot, who fell asleep watching old movies in the living room rather than upstairs with Dad. Who had hushed phone calls and fights with strange guys in the park. All of the things Im only remembering now hit me. The person who broke Dad. Who made Derrick grow up too fast. Who left me. Who I loved. How did I block those things out? Her hand covers her mouth, and its shaking. What the fuck does she have to be nervous about? Scared about? I actually see tears fall from her eyes. What gives her the right to stand here and cry in our kitchen? My mouth is glued shut. All these thoughts are scratching and clawing to be free, but I cant let them. I cant get them out. My mother is standing in front of me, and Im fucking breaking into pieces. Dad steps toward me, and somehow I find a way to pull my eyes away from her. How could he do this to me? How could he betray me like this? Dylan, we were going to tell you. Thenit wasnt even a guarantee she would be found. Why upset you for no reason? Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner. Rage manages to briefly knock out the pain, and I find my voice. You should have fucking told me! What is she doing here? Its the first time in my life Ive yelled at my dad. Thats just not how things work with us. My throat already hurts. Im not sure if its from the yelling or the knot thats clogged there. Dad shakes his head. Briefly, I let my eyes scan her again. The eyelashes. I got my eyelashes from her. Suddenly I hate the blue eyes girls have gone on about for years because seeing hers is like looking in a mirror. Its not as if I havent seen pictures, like I dont remember her, but seeing her again makes it more real. I know. I wasI put it off. Let me explain. I didnt know she was coming I hold up my hand. You know what? I changed my mind. I dont give a shit what this is. I dont want to know about it. You guys keep playing house or whatever it is youre doing without me. I turn, somehow prying my feet off the floor. Shes here shes back. How is she going to break the Gibson Boys this time? Dylan, wait. Dad is coming after me when I hear it. Hear her. Please, just wait. I dont deserve it, but let me talk to you, Dylan. I freeze at her voice. It feels like pinpricks all over my body. It hurts, but theres a part of me that wants to hear her say my name again. To taste her chocolate chip cookies. And that makes me even madder at her and myself. Turning, I say, No. No, you dont deserve it, and I dont want to hear anything you have to say. Dad touches my shoulder, and I shake his hand off. Fuck this. Im out of here.

They dont come after me as I tear through the house and jump in the Hummer. It takes everything in me not to take out her stupid BMW. To drive over the car the way she drove over us. Instead I peel out of the driveway, and Im gone. *** My hands are shaking as I pull up in front of Dads office. Its the only place I could think to go. I feel like the smallest wind would blow me over. Like the rain that just started could easily wash me away. My hands come down over and over on the steering wheel and I scream. I cant stop it even when it stings the palms of my hands. I hate her. I hate what she did, but more than that I hate being this weak. How could I let her do this to me again? Fumbling, I pick up my cell and dial. He answers on the second ring. Dylan. Where are you? Are you okay, D? My face is wet. I cant believe it. When did I start crying? Somehow, it feels a little better just knowing I have my brother on the phone. Derrick shes here. She came back, and Dad let her in the house. Calm down. Slow your breathing, Dyl. Its okay. How is this okay? Did you not hear what I said? Mom is back! My whole world ignites when I realize it. Flames lick my skin, threatening to overcome me. You knew. I love you, little brother. You love me? You knew! You fucking knew, and you didnt tell me! Its just like that day all over again. Dad knew, Derrick knew, and they abandoned me, left me on the outside while they were on the inside. It hurts worse than her leaving, than her coming back. Were supposed to be a team, and they locked me out again. Kept this from me. What else dont I know? So much for the Gibson Boys, huh? That should really just be you and Dad, shouldnt it? Two Musketeers? You promised, Derrick. You said youd always be there for me, youd take care of me. You left me for Lora, and now you kept this from me, too! Something sharp pierces through the middle of me. Im cracking, so close to breaking. I never left you, Dylan. Where are you? Ill come get you. Well talk. With the wedding and all I just wanted to talk to her. I didnt expectshit, let me pick you up, and Ill tell you everything. I want to tell him but I cant. Nah, I wouldnt want to drag you away from planning your wedding. You have more important things to deal with. I hit end. The palms of my hands are red from where I beat them against the steering wheel. My eyes sting. Rain starts pelting my windshield as hard as when I was outside the restaurant with Ziah. Ziah I still have someone left. Someone who hasnt pushed me aside. Who wants me and doesnt keep things from me. When the voicemail picks up, I end the call and dial her again. Pull it together, Dylan. Dont freak out. Come on, Ziah. Pick up the phone. Hello? I clear my throat, trying not to sound like Im having a nervous breakdown. Hey I Can I come over? Whats up? Im kind of in the middle of something right now. Shes in the middle of something? Doesnt she know I need her right now? Cant you break away? Is everything okay? Then I hear a different voice. A male voice with her. Hurry up, slow poke. My heart is going crazy now. I feel all jittery. Who is that? She stalls for a minute, and I know. I know who shes pushing me aside for. Its James. We were just I hang up. Wrong. I was so wrong. She left me, too. Just when I started to trust her. When I needed her. I throw my phone in the passenger seat. Im not cracking anymore, Im shattering. Shes just like the rest of them. When push comes to shove, she bails on me, too. Slamming the Hummer into drive, I jerk into traffic, needing to be anywhere but here.

Twenty-Two ~ Ziah ~

I hit send and it cuts straight to Dylans voicemail. My legs collapse beneath me, and Im suddenly sitting on the sofa. Ziah! James yells. I need help in here! Quiet for a sec! I rest my head in my hands. I hit send again. Voicemail. My heart drops. Why do I feel like something just went really, really wrong? Dylans voice sounded so hollow. What happened? Its not like him to call and be so desperate to come over. At all. And if he was trying like he said he would, hed have made a joke about his awesome boyfriend powers or something, not sounded so weird. And why, why did he have to call when we were studying? Why did he hang up and not let me explain? Something happened. Dylan likes a good banter, the fun back and forth. But maybe now that we both want more, things have changed. My hands go to my stomach. Oh, God, I whisper. I never even told him James and I were talking again. Told who what? James asks as he steps into the living room. The rest of our study group isnt here, and now I wonder if he even invited them. Dylan. I let my eyes find Jamess. I didnt tell him we were speaking. Whos Dylan? he asks, folding his arms. Hes How do I describe Dylan? I really dont want to talk about this with you, and I think I just completely let him down. My phone is still clutched in my hand. So is that why we cant be together anymore? Jamess voice is filled with irritation. I dont have time for this. James? Get over yourself. We were friends who turned into something more because we have so much in common. But were done. We were done before Dylan and I started, and we wouldnt have lasted anyway, not after Alyssa. Didnt take you long to find a replacement. He sounds all sulky. You didnt even wait til we were split to find a replacement! I shriek. I think I might have somehow just really screwed up something I care about! Its not about you! Wow. Im completely freaked out. He stands way too still for a moment. Were really, totally over. Yes. My insides feel all antsy. Somethings wrong, and its part me and part something that happened before Dylan called me. I run my hands over my head, my phone still clutched in one of them. What do I do? The words just come out. Go find him. James arms drop to his sides. I throw my arms briefly around James and run out the door, leaving him alone in my house. *** I pull into Dylans driveway as a BMW pulls out. My eyes catch the womans face. Dylans blue eyes look back at me. His aunt or something? Im not sure. Lora said some of their family was coming to town. His driveway is practically a parking lot in front of his house, and coming here in Moms beat-up Subaru makes me feel like sort of an outsider in the life of Dylan. His dad jogs down the front steps. Mr. Gibson? I cant believe he didnt notice me right away. Hey, Ziah. Bad timing. He glances around so nervously making me feel even more panicky. I got a weird phone call from Dylan, and When? He takes a few jogging steps toward me and rests his hand on my arm. My chest drops again. Whats going on? His dad pushes out a hard breath. When did he call? I dont know. Thirty minutes ago? Traffic was bad, and and now Im having a hard time breathing.

He was already gone when he called you. He releases my arm and stands back. Where? If I knew that, I wouldnt be about to leave you alone in my driveway. He begins walking away. I waited for him to come home, and now Wait! I plead as I follow. Whats going on? Family stuff, Ziah. He reaches into his pocket. Heres my card. Please call if you hear from him, okay? He continues toward his car. I stop in my tracks. Tell him Im worried! I call after him. Or Im sorry! Or Im an idiot Mr. Gibson leaps into his car and peels out of the driveway. Im left standing beside my moms car with his business card in my hand in front of their monstrous house. And in that moment, it all comes together in my mindfamily stuff, Dylans mom, the blue-eyed woman. The reason he needed me. He must think I bailed on him, just like everyone else. I didnt listen closely enough to him when he called, and that was all it tookthe end of Dylan and Ziah. I barely make it back to the car before slumping in the drivers seat and sucking in shaky breaths in a failed attempt to not cry. *** The drive back to my house is dark, long, and slow. Mr. Gibson never came back, and nothing happened. I waited for hours, alternating calling Dylans phone and Loras. Mom has a big banquet tonight at the restaurant, so I cant call her. I dont know why Lora isnt answering me. Im still not sure if I want to tell her whats happening between Dylan and me, though Im probably past caring what she knows. I slide low in the old flowered chair Dylan and I shared yesterday and wish for things to be different. Lora bursts through the front door with Derrick right behind her. I almost leap out of the chair. Have you heard from him? I ask. They both slump. We were hoping you had, Derrick says. Why didnt you answer my calls? I ask. Lost my phone. Lora shrugs. I keep changing bags, and Derrick sits on the ottoman and rests his elbows on his knees. I screwed up, Ziah. If Dylan calls, can you pass that on? Did you know? I ask. Derrick and Lora exchange a glance. Do they think I havent caught on? I saw her, Derrick. It was your mom, right? Dylan told you about Mom? Derrick sits back watching me. Yeah, when but I let that trail off, not wanting them to know all the details. Whats going on between you two? Lora asks. Derrick waves his hand between us. You dont have to answer, Ziah. We just I think about kissing him, about him teasing me for burning popcorn, and about us watching movies. I guess we were trying for more than friends. Derrick closes his eyes for a second. I dont know if this is good or bad or irritation. Actually, he doesnt get to be irritated. Did you know your mom was coming? Isnt this something you should have warned him about? I ask. Ziah! Lora snaps. No. Derrick holds up his hand. Its fine. I tried, and he didnt want to talk about her. I let it go because I wasnt sure if wed even find her. I had no idea she was coming or if Id even found the right person. She knows where we live, obviously. I start blinking because I hate knowing Dylan probably feels like I shafted him the way everyone else has, and Im mad at him for not giving me two more seconds to explain. Derrick rests a hand on my knee. Relax, Ziah. Dylan tends to be overdramatic. He sounds like hes trying to convince himself, not me. Its not your fault. But it is. When he called Now my voice wont work, and I feel like a ridiculous, whiny girl. Lora sits on the arm of the chair next to me and rests her hand on my shoulder. It really just makes me feel worse. James was here because we were studying. It was something we set up way before Dylan and I were trying, and Dylan didnt give me a chance to explain. I just made it all worse. This time when I blink, the tears spill down. Youre a cool girl, Ziah. Ill find him and get it all straightened out, okay? Derrick stands up, and I realize hes going to be around a lot. Like hell answer Loras phone sometimes, and when they have kids, hell be there. Hes going to be my brother-in-law. Crazy. Ziah, Im gonna stick with Derrick for a few more minutes, but Ill be back later, okay?

I nod as they start for the door. Im glad youre marrying my sister. Derrick stops, turns, and smiles. So am I. Lets hope we find my little brother in the few days before the wedding. And this time hes not able to hide his worry from me. *** My bodys tired as I flop onto my back on the bed. Im both hopeless and desperate to make things better all at the same time. Even though Ive really screwed up, Im not going down without some sort of fight. At least hell know how I feel. I pull out my dying phone, plug it in, and start a series of texts. ME: OK. I DONT CARE IF YOU WANT TO HEAR FROM ME OR NOT. Send. ME: I MESSED UP. I SHOULD HAVE READ UR VOICE AND KNOWN IT WAS IMPORTANT. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU JAMES AND I WERE TALKING & STUDYING. HE KNOWS ABOUT U. HE KNOWS I DONT LIKE HIM. Send. ME: I FEEL LIKE SHIT, DYLAN. I GO FROM FEELING LIKE THE WORST PERSON ON THE PLANET TO BEING PISSED B/C U WONT ANSWER ME. Send. ME: PLEASE JUST, IF UR 2 MAD OR IF THINGS SUCK 2 MUCH FOR U TO TRY TO BE W/ ME, I GET IT. I FEEL THAT THOUGHT CRUSHING ME, BUT I GET IT. Send. ME: NO MATTER WHAT, WILL U SEND A MSG 2 ME, THRU MY SIS OR A TEXT SO I KNOW UR OK? Send. ME: IM SO SORRY. I WANT TO DO THIS WHOLE THING WITH U. I KNOW ABT UR MOM. I WANNA TALK. HELP. SMTHNG. MASTA DYLAN. PLEASE? I hit send for what feels like the millionth time and know theres nothing else I can do. My heart drops, and its like I know again, just like I knew in his driveway, that I probably lost my chance with Dylan Gibson. It hurts way worse than I expectedand I expected it to hurt bad. Alyssa steps into my room without knocking. Shes holding a carton of Rocky Road and two spoons. Im so glad were friends again.

Twenty-Three ~Dylan~

Ive spent the past couple days in two places: in the bed or on the deck at our house on the coast. Its embarrassing to be in this kind of slump, and Im thankful no one is here to see me, but the sad part is, its all I can do. Its all I want to do. Still, I cant wrap my head around this. After everything Mom did, she came back. There are no words to describe how that makes me feel, but its nothing compared to knowing they knew. They chose her over me. Kept it from me. What does that say about me? And Ziah chose James. What was she doing with me this whole time? Putting my feet up on the wooden porch chair, I pick up my sketchbook, my eyes taking in the foaming waves in front of me. Salty air hits my skin. It reminds me of the rain when it swam around her. How she made me want to try when she knew she had James in the background. Suddenly, Im pissed. My hands shake as I start ripping drawings out of my book, the one of her eyes in Dads office building, the one of her smiling as she looked up at the wet sky. Its so stupid, and I know it. But I cant stop myself from ripping the pages over and over again, watching them fly away with the wind. How long was she hanging out with James? How long was Mom back? How long were Derrick and Dad lying to me? Totally aware Im throwing a tantrum, I push to my feet and chuck the sketch book as far as I can. It lands at the edge of the water, one big wave away from being gone. Wow good arm. I whip around, my heart somewhere in my throat. Dude, warn a guy, would ya? As much as I dont want to admit it, Im glad Pauls here. I knew youd be here. Just wanted to give you some time, but now were running out of it. He walks over to me and leans against the railing. So whats up, man? You have everyone all stressed about where you are. The weddings tomorrow. I texted Dad to let him know Im okay. I look over at my best friend. You tell them I was here? I dont acknowledge the wedding bit. I cant deal with that right now. Of course not. Bros before you know what I mean. I let out a small laugh. Its almost a real one. Then I want to kick myself in the ass. Its almost a real one? When did I start talking like this? Thinking like this? My head is so screwed up, its like Im not me anymore. I dont do this moping shit. I dont let people get to me. This is why I go for girls like Chastity, who only want one thing. I turn to Paul. Lets get drunk. Umm okay? Seriously, we havent partied here in a while. I know we can find some people who want to chill. Im pacing now. Why didnt I think of this before? Its the perfect way to get my mind off stuff, to get back to just having fun and being me. A few phone calls, and we can get this place packed. Think we can get beer? Yeah, Im sure we can. My cells dead, but we can call some people from home on yours. I know some people here, too. Hey. Paul steps in front of me. Is this a personal conversation or can I join? Without replying, I shake my head at him. Dylan, lets just chill. You know Im down for any reason to party, but, he shrugs. I mean, I know about everything. Nope. Not going there. I push open the sliding glass door and go inside. Pauls right behind me. Were not Dr. Philin it. He grabs my arm as I try to walk into the kitchen for the phone. Dude, Im your best friend. I know you, Dylan. Anyone would feel screwed up after all this. I mean, shit, shes really back after all this time? Ripping my arm away, I collapse in the kitchen chair. You probably know more than I do. I didnt stick around to find out the particulars, but yeah, shes back. I dont care about anything else. I dont know any more than you do. Your dad called to see if you were with me, told me she was back, and I said I hadnt seen you and came here. He scratches his shaved head, obviously about to delve into territory were usually not in together. If you like, wanna talk or whatever, we can get some beer, chill, talk, break stuff whatever.

I kind of want to... to spill it all, but I cant. You want to help me? Then lets get this house packed full of people. I want I want to forget. I want to party. Paul blows out a breath. No. His words make me stumble. Paul not want to party? Is the whole world falling apart, and I wasnt told that either? No? Fine. Ill do it without you. She kissed that guy in the park, Dylan. I saw it. She didnt bring us there because she wanted us to have a good time. She did it so she could hook up. Red is all I see. Im shaking as I turn on him. What the hell are you talking about? Why are you bringing that stuff up now? Why are you lying? Because, bro, its time to man up. You know what it was like. I didnt even live with you, and I know what it was like. She wasnt happy. Hell, she didnt give a shit. Youre never going to move on until you wake up and stop rewriting your own fucking past! Unable to stop myself, I lunge, toppling into Paul and making him fall to the ground. He rolls, I roll, both of us trying to get the best of the other. My body is on fire. My head is gone now. I didnt rewrite my past! Youre just jealous because she did stuff with us your mom didnt! How can you say that shit to me? Another roll and Pauls on top. Because Im your best friend, and Im tired of seeing her win. After all this time, Im tired of seeing her hurt you! So you decided to do it? I yell at him. No! Im trying to tell you she didnt deserve you guys. Im trying to make you have a fucking life and not let her ruin it anymore. My hands drop away from him and his from me. Im sitting on the floor. Water wets my face, running down harder than Ziahs rain. Paul is next to me. My chest hurts Im breathing so hard, but I dont know what to do. What to say. Im sorry. I didnt mean... I just think you need to acknowledge it or whatever. It wasnt perfect like you want to believe it was. Hes right. I know hes right. Im not sure if I knew all along and couldnt admit it, if I blocked it out, or what. But I know. I used to hear them sometimes her yelling at him late at night. I think I mean, I dont remember it all, but Im pretty sure she used to go out a lot. Leave me with Derrick. I thought it was fun. But it wasnt cool, was it? Im sitting with my knees up, my back against the wall. My arms wrap around them, my head falls forward, and I let it out. Why? Why couldnt I see it before? Paul shrugs. I dont know, man. Maybe its like post-partum depression or something. Looking at him, I shake my head. Thats for pregnant chicks, you idiot. Its post-traumatic. That, too. Maybe you had both. We laugh, and somehow I feel a little lighter. None of you guys said anything. You, Derrick, Dad. You all just let me go around in freaking La La Land for years. Thats because we like careforyouandshit. He scratches his head, so I cant see his face. He might have mumbled, but I heard him. Even if he didnt speak, I heard him. Yeah yeah. He scoots away, and we both stand up. Now I find it in me to feel a little weird. Not because I dont trust him or that I think hed tell anyone, just because well, I just cried in front of my best friend. But somehow it doesnt matter. Seriously Thanks. Paul holds out his hand, and this time when we bump fists, our hands linger there a little. You owe me one, though. He doesnt let me ask him what. Dont run. Youre not the type. Dont let this shit eat you alive anymore, Dylan. She doesnt deserve it. No. You dont deserve it. And hes right. I have no idea how he got so smart or if hes always been this smart, but I never saw it. Or he never showed me. Hes right though. Im tried, so tired of running. Derrick got over it. Maybe Dad and I can too. Can you get ahold of them? Tell them I want her to come here. Her. No one else. Paul nods, takes out his phone, and then hes gone.

Twenty-Four ~ Ziah ~

My alarm is piercing. Even more than normal. I know I fell asleep because I dont remember Mom coming home and because Im hanging on the edge of my bed banging the top of my stupid alarm. I snatch my phone off the floor as my fingers finally find the snooze button. Nothing. No replies to texts, no voicemails. Nothing. Am I on day two now? Three? Even Derrick said he was headed out of town to find him, leaving his fianc behind. Tomorrow night is supposed to be the rehearsal dinner, and no ones heard a word. I really, really thought if one of us was going to screw things up, it would be him. And maybe he is the one screwing everything up, but its also me. One or two sentences would have kept him on the phone, but I didnt say them. At the same time, I could have told him a million different times. James and I are talking again. Its awkward, and Ill never be more than friends with him. But were talking. And I didnt. Then when Dylan called, maybe he wouldnt have hung up. Maybe I could have cheered him up the way hes done with me over and over. Instead hes disappeared, and I know that part of its my fault. My heart drops. And then it drops again when I remember my calculus mid-term is today. Time to pretend the last bit of Ziahs world didnt just fall apart. *** There is no concentrating on anything. My brain wont focus. Im in this haze of frustration, anger, and sadness. Oh, and sleeplessness. I feel defeated after calculus. Everyones done with our test and is trying to relax and joke around on our last day before spring break. Im trying to stay awake. James seems okay. Hes two rows over and a chair up from me. Rachelle is laughing with him in our final few minutes before the bell. And it hurts a bit. Shes not as pretty as me, which I know sounds mean, but shes definitely sweeter. James looks half-interested, and Im sure it wont take much for him to be wholly interested. Im staring at the way hes looking at her. Sort of like the way we started looking at one another more than a year ago. Definitely interested. But cautious. Our eyes catch just before the bell rings. I leap out of my chair to get to the door before he catches me. Talking to James isnt high on my list. Except I sort of left him hanging at my house the other day. Crap. Ziah! He steps up behind me almost touching as I stop at my locker. We may be broken up, but after so much time together, he has no problem invading my personal space. Whats up? I try my best neutral smile. No offense, but you look like hell. He leans sideways on the locker next to mine. Its not a James thing to do. He doesnt lean. Thank you. I hope he catches my sarcasm. Sorry, that came out wrong. I take it things didnt go well? Do you care? I ask. I dont know. I mean, its weird for me to think of you with someone else. I still cant imagine myself with someone else. Traces of the sadness hes been wearing are back. Even Rachelle? I try a smile. Im not sure how it comes off. His cheeks seriously turn a little pink. I dont know. Is that weird? Yeah. I nod. But that doesnt mean He holds his hand up between us. I think youve made it clear plenty of times that we wont ever be together. My ego really doesnt need to hear it again. I look down. Im sorry, James. Yes, its weird. I feel it. I touch my fingers to my chest. But its okay. Were friends now, right? Yeah. I nod. Were friends now. You really should do some girl thing with Alyssa, because I mean it. You look like hell. I slug him in the shoulder. Go find Rachelle and pester her, huh?

He sort of nods once and walks awayembarrassed again. Why cant Dylan have an eighth of his persistence. No, a twentieth? Just enough persistence to stay on the phone for twenty more seconds? Who hangs up with NO explanation? Why did he think it was okay to do this to me? I go from feeling like shit, to being pissed. Over. And over. And over. *** Mom and Lora are in the kitchen when I step inside after school. Moms never home. Well, almost never. I stand just inside the front door, a little unsure of what to do with myself. Her eyes catch mine, and she comes straight toward me. Id bet money on Lora, Alyssa, or both having called her. Her arms come around me without hesitation. Wanna talk about it? No. Im exhausted from talking. My body rests against hers. I finished the mac and cheese you like from the restaurant, but I added some extra spice for you. Mom pinches my cheek like shes always done and half jogs back into the kitchen. I let my pack drop to the floor and kick off my shoes. I head for my bedroom to get pajamas. Our movie is starting when I walk back out. How To Marry a Millionaire the ultimate chick flick. Moms sitting with two heaping bowls of mac and cheese and two glasses of eighty dollar a bottle of wine from the restaurant. Normally its just for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I guess me looking like hell is an exception. Sorry I havent been here, but you know I love you, right? Her arm comes around me, as she kisses my head. I know. Thanks so much. I I know. You didnt want to talk. When you do, let me know. Dylans okay. We found him. Relief pours through me followed by more nausea because they found him, but he hasnt called. Lora flops on the other side of me with a salad. I raise a brow trying to pretend to be at least half-okay when Im definitely not. She shrugs. Im getting married in two days. I cant be bloated. I open my mouth twice to ask more about Dylan, but nothing comes out. Lora squeezes my shoulder a few times as I try to get my breathing under control so I dont cry. Ive never been such a crier in all my life. I slump back into the couch, take a long drink of the wine, and rest the huge bowl of spicy mac and cheese on my chest. The movie pulls me straight into warmth, comfort, my family, and distraction.

Twenty-Five ~Dylan~

Even though its freezing outside and I hate to be cold, Ive been sitting on the deck since I got out of the shower. Yep, thats right, a couple hours. But the cool, crisp air is not only keeping me awake, its also somehow keeping me from freaking out while Pauls gone. Ive been trying to judge time since he left. He was calling when he walked out. It wouldnt take long for him to find her or to get a hold of someone who knew exactly where she was. If she gave a crap or cared at all and left right away, she could be here in minutes. My heart and head have been warring this whole time over whether Im ready or not, but I wonder if this is something you can ever be ready for. Or if its something you just jump into, somehow navigate your way through, and then come out on the other side either better for it or more screwed up than you were before. Wow maybe Pauls not the only one whos doing better at figuring stuff out. Lights chase each other across the driveway off to the side of the house. My leg starts jumping up and down as a car door opens and slams shut. Click, click, click, of heels sound on the pavement, and then shes here, standing in front of me. She looks just like I remember. Youngshe was always young, younger than dad. My eyes look back at me, but her hair is lighter than mine or Derricks. Shes all wrapped up in an expensive jacket, and I cant help but wonder if she bought it herself. What does she do? Or does she stay home with other kids the way she used to stay home with us while her new husband works? All of a sudden, I am ready. I need this. No, I want this. Without a word, I walk inside. She follows. Dylan, she says, but I turn to her, holding my hand up to stop her. I plop into a living room chair, and she sits across from me on the couch. Where have you been? I say. Theres no emotion in my voice, and I like it that way. Shes fidgeting with her purse. California first. Then back East. Im in New Jersey right now. Im head of my department Family? A small nod is my reply. It pierces through me, but its just another thing to add to the hurt shes caused. The hurt Im going to get over. How long have you been back? You been talking to everyone but me? I just got into town when I saw you. Derrick started looking for me because of the wedding. I got a message. He wasnt even sure it was me, but I had to come before I lost my nerve. Before she lost her nerve? Heat spikes in my body. She stands like shes going to come over to me, but the look on my face makes it clear shed better not. I dont want her comfort. She sits back down. Im not done. My hand automatically moves up and rubs the back of my neck. Im freaked out that my voice wont work. Im freaked out about what shell say, but I have to ask. The word is near a whisper. Why? Like I said, Derrick called because of the wedding I think he wanted closure. Its not what I meant, and she has to know it. Why? I ask again, scared of having the answer and not having it, too. No bullshit either. Even if you didnt love Dad, why did you leave me and Derrick? I wait while she stalls. Takes a few breaths. Messes with her purse more. Her eyes look back at me shimmering more than they were before. When she finally starts to talk, her voice is so soft I have to struggle to hear her. I I had to get away. We got together young, got pregnant with Derrick. I wasnt in love with your dad, but I tried for you boys I tried, but I couldnt make myself happy. When I She stops to rub her eyes. I didnt plan not to see you boys. I just had to go. Then I met someone, and I didnt tell him. I dont know why. Maybe I felt guilty, but I didnt say a word. We got serious, and I still didnt tell him. After a while, Id been gone so long, I couldnt come back. How could I just show up again in your lives? How could I tell him? Once we got married pregnant. How could I tell him then that I had other kids out there? Maybe it makes me a coward, but I convinced myself you guys were better off without my interrupting your lives after so long. That Jim and Sally were better off without knowing they had siblings they know nothing about So thats it. I waited years for this, and its not even a real reason to me. She didnt love Dad, needed a break, and left. Then some other guysome other family

became more important, and she was too chicken, didnt want the drama. Thats it. Sometimes theres something so big in your life, something so monumental that you make up all these different, life-altering reasons why it happened. She was an FBI agent, involved in some huge plot and had to go to save the world. She was a fucking princess in some other country. Even though she left a note, she never really wanted to leave, but was forced. Something. Its all kid stuff. Things I knew could never be true but always let myself believe because this was so huge to me. Now I see the truth isnt so big at all. There arent reasons, and there doesnt have to be. Sometimes, things just are. Its so strange how one choice can derail so many lives. It was so huge to me, I expected her answer to change everything, but it didnt. I guess thats life, right? You never really know whats waiting for you. You never really know whats going to happen or why. You just have to be able to deal with it. Big or small. And I havent been dealing. Ive been just as selfish as her, getting mad at Derrick for Lora, pushing Ziah away. Not anymore. Because to me, Moms just sad. I dont want to be like that. Like her. She cries. I wish I could change it. I wish I could go back, but I cant. Ive regretted that day so many times, Dylan. Ive wanted to come back so often, just to see you boys, but I was so scared. I knew I didnt deserve you. I dont hesitate to answer. No, you didnt. And you still dont. Good luck with your family. I hope you dont ever do to them what you did to us. Theres nothing else to say. Nothing else to hear. When I let her out of the house, somehow I come out on the other side different. Better. *** I dont get the door closed before two figures step out of the shadows: Dad and Derrick. They knew Id need them, and theyre here. Hell, my brother left behind his fianc the day before their wedding. Shit, the night of the bachelor/bachelorette party for me. For the Gibson Boys. Derrick closes the door as Dad pulls me into a hug, squeezing me tighter than I ever remember being squeezed. That easily, theyre forgiven. Nothing is forgotten, but forgiven. Ummm, Dad. Cant. Breathe. He laughs, letting go of me. Derrick gives me a half hug, a twelve pack of beer in one of his hands. I look back and forth between him and my dad, who shrugs, giving me a smile. My dad may have turned a blind eye, but he has never, ever let me drink in front of him before. Were having a guys night. Derrick informed me its not a guys night without beer. Makes me wonder about what you two do when youre together. Guys night. The thought makes me smile. Not me. Its those college kids. Always partying, I tease. Derrick gives me a playful push in reply before walking toward the kitchen. Dad and I follow. Its a bachelor party. We need beer for that. You guys have to know that one. Derrick sits at the table. Im sorry, Derrick. For screwing everything up. Youre supposed to be at the party. Brought the party here. Youre supposed to be with Lora. He shrugs. She knows I need to be with you. I nod at him. Loras awesome. Im glad my brothers marrying her. Glad shell be family. Cool. Shes cool. As much as I want to pretend its all okay, I cant. Not without saying what I need to say. I cant forgive her. I dont know what you guys have planned, but Dad clasps a hand on my shoulder. You dont have to. And I hope you know her decisions werent about us or our worth. Dad sighs. Its been a long time, son. I should have given your mom up a long time ago. Maybe if I would have, it would have been easier for you. Thats my fault, and I apologize. Before I can reply, Derrick jumps in. It wasnt about forgiving her, D. I just needed to make my peace. To finally free myself of her before getting married. We never expected her to just show up like that. I knew youd take it hard, so I didnt want to tell you unlessdidnt know how to tell you Thats the problem. I cross my arms. You guys never knew how to tell me anything. You always left me in the dark. How did anyone expect me to believe I could handle anything if you guys didnt think I could? Youre right, Dad says. I just you were so young. I wanted you to have those good memories. I wanted to hold onto your mom because I thought it was best for you guys. Or hell, maybe I just wanted her. Youre a man, Dylan, and its time I treat you like one. Im proud of you, son. I cant find my words, but Derrick saves me. Okay, okay. Enough of the sappy stuff. He pulls out three bottles, opens one, and gives it to me. He does the same for Dad and saves one for himself. We all hold them up.

To the Gibson Boys, Dad says. And girls! Derrick adds. Well, at least Lora, and from what Ive heard, Dyl probably wants to cheer for Ziah, too. Dad shakes his head, but hes smiling. I do want to cheer for her. Yeah, I dont know whats going on with the James thing, but I know her, and I know I probably overreacted. And I like her. Definitely to girls. And to growing up, getting over the past. Yeah, and girls. We clank our bottles together and drink.

Twenty-Six ~ Ziah ~

Im not sure what time I crashed last night, but this morning is the first day where my legs dont feel like lead. Last day before Spring Break. The morning of the rehearsal, though with Dylan still MIA, Im not sure what will happen. Dylan is too draining to think about. Im mad and Im hurt and Im sorry. Those are some exhausting emotions to roll through day after day. I take a shower, spend some time on my hair, and even run mascara over my lashes. No mid-terms today. I already have an A in English, so Ill be able to spend that class time buried in a book. I may just survive my day a little better than Ive survived the week so far. Then Alyssa picks me up with James in the backseat. The drive is tense, but were all in the same car and no one explodes. The conversation rests on the weather, calculus, and biology. I take a deep breath when we hit the parking lot. We survived. Alyssa rests her arm over my shoulder as James jogs to catch up with another friend. We survived. It hits me hard. Well be able to be friends, and well be okay. Not perfect, not the way we were before, but okay. And I guess thats enough. School passes in a haze. Were all half on Spring Break already. I check my phone like a million times, but I guess Im sort of resigned to silence. And Im starting to get nervous about maybe seeing Dylan tonight. *** Loras handling the cancellation of her rehearsal incredibly well. Like Im almost suspicious as she chomps down on her fiftieth carrot stick since her dinner salad. How hard could it be? She smiles, but it looks a little forced. I walk up the aisle. You all stand on either side. Itll be fine. What about Dylan? Theyre driving back from the coast tomorrow morning. Sounds like hell be with them. She studies my face more carefully. Hours before the wedding. And youre okay with this? I love Derrick. I want to be part of their family. So, yeah. Im okay with this. She sits back. Wow. Not only are we gaining a Derrick, their family is gaining a Lora. Theyd better recognize how amazing she is. Youd better go put on those heels and get some more practice. She nudges me with her elbow. Yeah, Id better because not only will I have to walk in those heels tomorrow, Ill have to walk in those heels while holding Dylans arm.

Twenty-Seven ~ Dylan ~

Im freaking out. Yeah, I know. I should totally be over freaking out by now, but this time it has nothing to do with the wedding, Mom, or even wanting to run away from Ziah. It has to do with seeing her and putting it all out there with her again. Its the second third time Ive had to do it, but shes worth it. Were both worth it. All I have to do now is hope shes not with James. Dad and Derrick were obviously thinking ahead because they brought their tuxes with them to the beach house. Paul showed up, and now were all decked out on our way to Vista House. Is she coming? I ask Derrick. Id been afraid to ask him before, but I need to know. Regardless, Ill be good. Im over it. Nah. He shakes his head. It was never about that, D. I think I just needed her to know were goodthat we turned out okay without her. I nod. Yeah, I can kind of get that. Are you nervous? he asks. Hes in the passenger side of Mary. Dad and Paul are in Dads car. Arent I supposed to be asking you that? Youre the one about to go down the aisle. And Im seriously going to celebrate the hell out of it. I cant wait, but thats not what I mean. Rumor has it some stuff went down with you and Ziah. A laugh jumps out of my mouth. Rumor has it? Why dont you just say Ziah said something to Lora who then said something to you? Dumbass. I glance over and see my brother smirk at me. I wonder if I should feel weird talking to him about Ziah, or if hes going to warn me away from her again, but I squash those thoughts quick. Somehow, I think were past that. I like her a lot, but she was with James. I dont know whats going on. Derrick sighs. Whats going on is you reacting before you think, like always. She was upset, D. Talk to her. Itll be cool. We dont get a chance to continue because Im pulling into parking lot of Vista House. *** Im outside when the limo pulls up. My heart rate kicks up a few notches. Ziah is the first one to step out. I expect to see her in her dress, but shes wearing a tiny tank top and a pair of jeans and running shoes. Only her. Her hair is all done thoughcurls and knots on the top of her head with little strands falling down. Her eyes catch mine and holds them. Shes got a lot of make-up onway more than usualbut shes still gorgeous. Stupidly, I hold my hand up and give her a small wave. Ziah! Hurry. Derricks not out there is he? Lora pulls her attention away from me as I walk over to see if they need any help. Hey, I say to Ziah. Hes not out here. Hey, she says. Crap. Im stuck, Lora says from inside the limo, and I hear girls giggling while they do whatever it is theyre doing in there. Ziah takes a step toward me, her face looks so uncertain. James is just a friend. It was a project. Its not Dylan! Come here, man. I need your help. Derrick steps outside, and all the girls start screaming and yelling for him to go away because he cant see Lora. Knowing theyll lose it, and Derrick needs me for whatever, I smile at her and touch one of those strands of hair before I turn and jog insidealready missing her. *** I clutch my phone to my ear. What do you mean the cakes got ruined? Dont we have like, insurance on them or whatever? Again, Im freaking out a little here. The guy on the other end of the phone starts yapping like crazy, and what hes saying doesnt even matter. All I know is the cake got screwed up while they were putting it in the van, and Lora is going blow a gasket. And after all the cake I gorged myself with, Im a little pissed about it, too. My first thought is to tell my brother, but I also dont want to stress him out. Hes tripping out about this day because he wants it perfect for Lora, but I know he really wants it perfect for both of them. Hes just as into this as she is. Ziah. Shell know what to do.

I hang up the phone, which probably isnt cool, but weve got a wedding disaster here. I mean, the cake is important, right? Lora and Derrick put way too much into it for cake-tastrophe to screw it up. So now Im scouring Vista House like crazy trying to find the maid of honor because Im the best man, and its our job to handle shit like this. I hit the room Ziah was in last, but as soon as I raise my hand to knock my brothers voice drifts out from inside. Hes not supposed to be in there. I love you, Stiches. Stiches? What the hell kind of nickname is that? And wait, I thought it was like the end of the world for the bride and groom to see each other before the wedding. I love you too. Thanks for being cool about last night Missing the rehearsal and the party. Guilt stabs into me. I screwed up last night, but Im fixing this cake shit. Its okay. It was important. You would have done the same for me and Ziah. Yeah, but how am I going to know when to kiss you now? DamnDerricks good. Cake. Gotta figure out the cake. Theyre obviously busy and will be for a while. I turn and head down the hallway. As soon as I round the corner, I run into Ziah. Wow do I run into Ziah. Shes in her dress this time and looks even better in it than she did when I saw her try it on. Im man enough to admit my breath hitches a little. Girls are incredible. I wonder if this girl knows just how incredible she is. You look amazing. I cant help but tell her. Pink colors her cheeks. Thanks. We need to talk. We do, and Im not trying to put it off because theres nothing I want to do more than talk to youokay, thats a lie. Looking like that there are a lot of things I can think of to do with you instead of talking, but unless we want our siblings to lose it, we have a cake emergency we need to figure out. Shes blushing until the last thing I said hits her. What? Cake emergency? What happened? Thats when an idea pops into my head. The day I saw Ziah trying on the dresses, theyd eaten Voodoo Donuts. Lora brought them over one day. Holy shit, Im a genius. I laugh as I do a search on my phone for their number. Nows not the time to be cocky, Dylan. My sister is going to go nuts if we dont have a cake. We do! We have a cake. Or well have something. Ill fix it. Im fully aware Im not giving her much to go on, but I want to do this. To fix my screw up last night and all my other screw ups with this wedding stuff. Its under control. I got it. And then on reflex, I lean forward to kiss her. She freezes and I freeze and things are suddenly awkward. Sorry I just Sorry. Well talk. If she wants. For all I know were over before we even really started. Im not sure I can blame her. Or maybe were fine. Yeah. We really need to talk. I better go. I have to get us some donuts. I start dialing as Dads voice echoes in the hall. Dylan? Coming! I give Ziah another short wave as I turn to catch Dad. I walk away trying to figure out what I just said to her. There are a million things I want to say to herthat I need to say. For starters, I get it. Everything Derrick ever said about Lora, I get it, but I settled on I have to get us some donuts? If shes even half as confused as I am, were screwed. *** A whole lot of money later, we have a shitload of donuts on order. Pauls picking them up between the wedding and the reception. I finish setting it all up as Derrick and Dad step into the room. Its time. Derrick has a huge smile on his face. Dad gives him a hug and then me. Paul and Sam are here with us, too. Everyone files out of the room, but Derricks lingering behind with me. Im nervous as hell, he says as we step into the hall. Thats normal, I say as if I know. Yeahyeah. I know. I cant wait. Shes incredible. Im going to work my ass off every day to make sure I deserve her. I look at my brother, proud of him. Hes not the douche or the sell-out I thought he was. One day Ill be lucky to be like him. You already do, man. You got this. Then were ushered through a door and head up the aisle. The whole time Im hoping I dont mess this up since I screwed up the rehearsal. We get to the front and stand where were supposed to. The music starts, and then Lora appears. Her eyes catch Derricks, and he smiles. Yeah I got this, he whispers.

Behind Lora, Ziah steps out, somehow even more gorgeous then when I saw her a little while ago. She doesnt look up at me, but I can see the concentration on her face. I know she was nervous about the shoes, but she looks like shes doing it right to me. Yeah, I do too.

Twenty-Eight ~ Ziah ~

I catch Dylans eyes as I step slowly down the stairs, and hes smiling at me, which makes my heart stutter, which Im terrified will make my feet stumble. Miraculously I make it to the bottom. Now Im following my sister, whose short, lace train flows out behind her, and it hits me again what a big deal this is for her. For all of us, really. Derricks it. My brother-in-law. My grin spreads as it hits me again that Dylan will be sort of my brother-in-law, too. Now that Im thinking about him, I glance his way, and his eyes are still on me, making me blush. I have got to hold it together or Im going to fall on my face. Dad gives Lora a kiss on the cheek before putting her hand in Derricks, and Im amazed he remembered to do that. In what feels like seconds, but also hours because of my shoes, Im holding Loras bouquet and looking at all our friends and familyMom wiping her eyes and Dad looking both proud and stunned. Then I turn toward Dylans dad and the very well-dressed group sitting on the Gibson side of the room. And I think about Dylan and his mom and what a big deal it is for him to like me enough to move forward. I think about how Loras going to laugh and love the donuts because after losing the perfect wedding cakes, its the only way to make it better. And Dylan did it. I catch his eyes only once as Derrick leans over to put the ring on Loras finger, and the way hes looking at me makes me feel like well be okay. After they kiss and we cheer, its time to touch Dylan again. I get to touch Dylan again. Hey, I say as I slide my arm through his for him to lead me back up the aisle. Im an idiot. Hey? The photographer kneels down to take pictures of us, so I plaster on the smile I know Lora would want to see. Im sorry, Ziah. I shouldnt have bailed like that, I And I should have told you that James and I are talking as friends again. It sucks that were walking arm in arm and not talking somewhere private, but after being interrupted over and over, I cant wait. I just freaked. It was me. If you would have stayed on the phone, Dylan. I would have helped you. Gone with you, or I had to do this on my own. I finally laugh. Lets just say we both screwed up, is that cool? Start over? he asks as he tips his head toward mine. Do you still want to? Yeah. I want to. But no more disappearing. Talk first, okay? Deal. His breath hits my neck and shoulder sending shivers through me. Im totally falling for you, Hanes. I stumble, nearly fall, but he grabs my waist, holding me up. I can hear the photographer clicking away, and my face gets hot. So much for playing it cool. Dylans eyes meet mine. Dont worry, Ziah. I got you. And he does.

Right there, a few feet off the end of the aisle, I drop my bouquet to throw my arms around Dylans neck and give him a kiss that makes Derrick and Lora look like amateurs. Well definitely be okay.

Epilogue ~Dylan~

Lora squeals like a five-year-old when she sees the donuts. Shes like a Disney princess on crack. You did this? Her eyes are wide as she turns toward me. I shrug. Someone had to step in and save the day. Oh my God! Her eyes water all up as she slams into me and chokes me with her hug. Youre the best, Dylan. I have no idea what to do, so I stare at Ziah over her sisters shoulder before patting her back a few times. Ziahs smile hits me in really good places, and I cant wait to get her on the dance floor. Derrick rests his arm over Ziahs shoulders, and I sort of pry Lora off me. No reason for Derrick to be so close. I tell Lora, I think theres another guy who wants his hands on you. She blushes and glances at the floor. Seriously, Dylan. Thank you. No problem. Derrick winks and drops his arm from Ziah about two seconds before I grab her waist. Dance with me, Hanes. Im not gonna want to let you go, she warns with that crazy sexy smile of hers. Im totally okay with that. And as she moves with me, and I breathe her in, all I can think is this isnt so bad. All of it. Having a girl and a sister-in-law. My family becoming bigger. Hell, maybe even Dad will get a girl. Not that I want to think about that too much. I squeeze Ziah tighter and look at the smiles on everyones faces. I actually lied. This is better than not bad. Its perfect.

The End

About Nyrae: When not playing with her kids or spending time with her husband, Nyrae Dawn can almost always be found with a book in her hand or an open document on her laptop. She couldnt live without booksreading or writing them. Oh, and chocolate. Shes slightly addicted. Nyrae is a romantic at heart, living her very own happilyever-after in California with her gorgeous husband and two incredible kids. You can find Nyrae online at www.nyraedawn.blogspot.com Other books by Nyrae: CHARADE MEASURING UP FREEING CARTER WHAT A BOY WANTS WHAT A BOY NEEDS

About Jolene: Jolene wears juvenile T-shirts, worn-out chucks, and eats too much chocolate. She writes. A lot. She makes up words, drinks Shirley Temples, and suffocates a little without her iPod. Jolene once used her degrees in political science and French to teach math to middle-schoolers. Now that shes all grown up, she tells stories. You can find Jolene online at www.jolenesbeenwriting.blogspot.com Other books by Jolene: FALLING ALL I WANT 10 WEEKS INSIGHT MY HEART FOR YOURS SPILL OVER KNEE DEEP NIGHT SKY

Nyraes Acknowledgement: As always thanks to my girls. I am blessed with the best daughters in the world. My husband who is a huge support to me. My mom and all the rest of my family. My wonderful friends who are always there for me. Wendy Higgins, Steph Campbell, Kelley York, Jolene Perry for continuing to experience this publishing journey with me. Cassie, Wendy, Jess, Heather, and Leigh for the beta reads. To all the readers out there who pick up this book or any of my other books, THANK YOU. I couldnt do this without you!

Jolenes Acknowledgement: To my EVER-patient family. Seriously. No one around here knows what five-minutes means, because when I say I need five more minutes, its never only five minutes Author Wendy Higgins who read not just the first, but the second version of this book. And Leigh T. Moore whose mad editing skillz are legendary. And ALL of the people that Nyrae mentioned above that helped get Dizzy ready for the world. Im SO grateful to all the people that still love to read!!!!!!