THE FACEBOOK POLICE
From the residence of Karen Windsor, 38, of Towson, MD. Karen is a Benefits Coordinator for a largemarketing company. She is married to her husband Ted, 39, and the two have a son, Michael, age 10.The following took place the evening of February 16, 2009, in their home.(SCENE: KAREN, TED and MICHAEL are sitting at their kitchen table. KAREN and TED arediscussing their days as they dish out the evening’s meal.)
TED: This smells really good, honey!KAREN: Joint effort, hon. You did the actual barbecuing.MICHAEL: Who’s going to take me to basketball practice tonight?TED: I can take you, son. I’m looking forw---
(Suddenly, there is a loud explosion and what remains of the front door rains in the kitchen amidst acloud of smoke. Clearly stunned, the Windsors are dazed as two men dressed in S.W.A.T. looking gear enter the kitchen. Both are wearing helmets and carrying guns.)
TED: My God! What is going on? Who the hell are you?OFFICER #1: We’re the Facebook Police.KAREN: The Facebook Police?OFFICER #2: You are Karen Windsor, age 38, of 324 Barkham Drive?KAREN: That’s me.OFFICER #1: It has come to our attention that you have
been on Facebook in 38 minutes.TED: How dare you…!
(OFFICER #2 clubs TED on the back of the head with his gun. TED crumplesto the floor.)
MICHAEL: Dad!OFFICER #2: Shut it, kid! Ma’am, Facebook needs an explanation regarding your prolonged absence.KAREN: Prolonged absence? It’s only been 38 minutes!OFFICER #1: 39.KAREN: Is that now a crime? Who cares if I haven’t been on the site?OFFICER #2: Facebook does, ma’am. You have friends out there who have recent status updates. Threeof your friends tagged you in photos in the past half hour and you have
addressed them yet!KAREN: I was preparing dinner for my family!OFFICER #1: Facebook is family! 18 of your friends have provided you with soundtracks of their livesand you have not reciprocated! If your life was a movie, ma’am, there are people
who need toknow what your soundtrack would be!OFFICER #2: 53 of your friends have sent you “25 Random Things” about themselves and you have notresponded!KAREN: Who has time for such nonsense? I work! I have a family! I have a household to run!OFFICER #1: Do you not realize that those people
need to know
25 random things about KarenWindsor???KAREN: Back off!
I have a LIFE!!!(The Facebook Police look at one another in stunned silence.)
OFFICER #2: When you signed on with Facebook, ma’am, you relinquished that life. I’m afraid you’regoing to have to come with us.OFFICER #1: Hold on a sec, big guy. Just got word from HQ that some guy up the street hasn’taddressed several recent pokes.OFFICER #2: Are you kidding me?OFFICER #1: Looks like he hasn’t been on Facebook in nearly