• Embed Doc
  • Copy Link
  • Readcast
  • Collections
  • CommentGo Back
 
Relationship Grief 
Maurice Turmel PhD
Breaking up with your lover, partner or spouse is a major event in your life. Theconsequences are not much different than losing a loved one through death. Arelationship breakup is a death of sorts, the death of possibilities, a future together andplans that were spun around during your better days together.Feelings of loss, sadness and grief are common to the experience. What you gothrough is a period of mourning and bereavement over the death of possibilities.The “Us” that constituted your relationship has suffered a fatal blow. As with anyinstance of loss we feel bewildered and confused.If you’re the one who initiated the breakup then you have feelings of guilt to deal with.You’ve noticed a change in your feelings toward your partner or spouse. You’ve beenfeeling more and more estranged from them. You’ve started to dream about a life onyour own, or with someone else. You feel guilty because you know your partner will behurt. You’ve already been grieving this relationship for some time prior to informing your partner of your decision.If you’re the one who has been left, then you are feeling rejected and lost. You can’tbelieve what is happening and you’re scrambling to try and fix it. What you don’t yetrealize is that your partner is already gone, mentally, spiritually and even physically.Your grieving is about to begin, but not before you move heaven and earth to try andsave what is already over.Women, more than men, usually initiate a breakup. Lack of affection, lack of attention,lack of sharing and similar have brought you to this stage. In my practice I saw moremen than women in the state of panic identified above. They were in “repair” mode all of a sudden and pulling out all the stops to try and prevent their partner from leaving.They are ready to change their behavior, go to counseling or see a minister, all thethings their wife had been asking for up to this final point. For these men, it’s alreadytoo late.Men leave relationships as well, but less frequently than women. Regardless of whoinitiates the breakup, there will be grieving for both parties. In my practice I saw bothsides of the story. Bewildered men and women trying to save their relationship notrealizing it was already too late. If cheating were involved then the hurt is amplified bybetrayal. Whatever the circumstances, both parties are headed into the land of grieving.With gay couples, the experience is much the same. Being left causes deep hurt. Beingthe one leaving also brings on hurt, but relief as well, and of course, guilt. For the latter the relationship has been over for some time and bringing the matter to a headconstitutes a first step in their healing journey.
 
Whether you’re the one initiating or the one who was left, there will be grieving to do.As already mentioned, a relationship breakup is like a death. Some would say thatdealing with the death of a loved one might be easier because you know you will not beseeing them again. In a breakup situation there will be property, children and a wholehost of matters to deal with which means regular contact for a while. And that contactbrings on the most pain for the one who was left.My first marriage ended this way. My young wife got involved with another man andone day announced she was leaving. We had two small children. I was the onedevastated by the news. She was the one relieved about leaving. It took me 3 years toget over that loss. If it hadn’t been for the children I would have recovered muchsooner. As a single dad, not having access to my children on a daily basis broke myheart. It was the single most devastating aspect of the breakup.I had some help in terms of group counseling, but nothing akin to what is availabletoday. If I knew then what I know today about grieving such a loss, I would haverecovered in a matter of months, and not years. I needed to do some personality andself-esteem work and my group experience helped with that. In the end the whole affair drove me to become a therapist and I am eternally grateful for that.I know what you’re going through. Sadness, guilt, remorse, “what could I have donedifferently” – such thoughts and feelings run through your mind like a freight train.Obsessions, panic, disorientation are all part of the package. You will have to deal withyour feelings now. If that’s alien to you then you have quite a challenge ahead. If you’ve been through a loss before, then you might have an advantage in terms of knowing what needs to be done to get you back on track.Once you arrive at The Land of Grieving your recovery can begin. You will need help toget through this. Your friends and family can be great supports, but not if they’re in thebusiness of bashing your former mate. That’s why a divorce or grief group that dealswith relationship breakup is essential for a balanced approach. Seeing a counselor andacquiring the right grief resources will take you even further.Our approach to
relationship grief 
meets all these requirements and was born of 40years of personal and 25 years of professional experience. Contrary to popular belief,therapists go through the same pain and suffering as everyone else when dealing with arelationship breakup. Knowing what to do does not make the process any less painful,but it does make it easier and shorter. Grieving is universal. Recovering from grief requires the right kind of support and material resources. Do yourself a favor and reachfor what you need. Do not beat yourself up! This a time to be kind to yourself and toaffirm that you deserve whatever help you need. Do not put off your recovery anylonger.
Relationship Grief 
of 00

Leave a Comment

You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...
You must be to leave a comment.
Submit
Characters: ...