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June 2006"I have no Greater Joy than to hear that my children walk in Truth"…....That is how my Dad ends every letter to his children. I was blessed with the greatest parents who setthe greatest example that any child could ever ask for….I remember the night I asked Jesus into my heart. I was less than 3 years old, and had a clear understanding of what it meant to be saved. As I knelt there by my bed asking the Lord into my heart,my mother passed my door. She thought I was playing when I was supposed to be in bed sleeping andcame into the room and rewarded me with a spanking. When I told her what I was doing, she felthorrible! Her biggest concern was "did I finish?"…Of course. I think she was quite proud when at theage 5, I prompted a furious call from a neighboring mother because I had informed her young daughter that she was going to hell. Much to the womans disappointment, my mother backed me up!!Then, when I was 7 years old, I had a dream…."I was sitting on the top bunk of my brothers bedstudying with my oldest brother Shawn. Suddenly, the window across from me transformed into a door made of dark metal. As I stared in wonder, the door opened and a demonic being entered the room. Itresembled a woman, but seemed neither male nor female, and was holding some sort of a bladeresembling a small sickle. My brother sat there oblivious to what was happening. And then suddenly it pulled me from the bed by my hair, and it seemed it was trying to scalp me. I cried out to Shawn for help, but he just looked around the room confused. "Where are you Keri, I can't see you!". And then Iwas dragged through the door and all was black.It was as if we stood at the top of a winding stone staircase that went up and down as far as the eyecould see….and yet there was no top or bottom, it just seemed to go in both directions forever. Andwhile I was aware of this, I was also aware that it was so dark that I could see nothing. My eyes sawnothing, but I knew. Then suddenly we were on what appeared to be a small landing made of black stone….The sound of screams overwhelmed me with fear. As I looked around I saw that it was a lakethat surrounded us and it was on fire. The lake stretched as far and deep as my eyes could perceive….The smell was overwhelming me….It was like sulfur and burning flesh but so strong that itwas as if it made up the air I breathed…I wanted to throw up, but I seemed frozen in time. As I becameaware of my surroundings, I realized that it was not a lake of water, but one of blood. And in the bloodas deep and as far as my eyes could see, there were people….And they screamed in torment, burning, bleeding….drowning eternally in their own blood…..I was terrified! And then they were reaching for

me, grabbing my feet dragging me into this lake of eternal fire. In despair, I screamed out "Jesus! SaveMe!!!" ….And suddenly I was gone. I stood in the purest white light that I have ever beheld. I wassurrounded by such peace and love. At that moment, I understood how real my salvation was…..and Iwoke up."I have never forgotten that dream. Nothing has ever felt as real as that….I still wonder if it was adream, or a vision from God. Regardless, it changed my heart. I no longer thought of my salvation as just something that I did just so I could spend eternity in Heaven, but as something I did to NOT spendeternity in Hell. I chose Christ, and I was spared. I would love to say that I stayed strong and went onto a life of ministry. But it was not the case. I began dating at 15, and a few years later I lost my purity.I began drinking and going to clubs regularly at 18, and when I was 19, I became involved in an impurerelationship with a married couple. At the age of 20, I was broken. I woke up on the side of the roadone morning after a night at the clubs, and realized I had hit rock bottom. As I drove home, I prayed toGod and begged him for guidance. I prayed that he would send me a sign that he was still with me. I prayed he would provide a way….Less than an hour later I got a call from my best friend in ..Florida. I hadn't seen her in almost 3 years.She told me that a friend of hers was sending me a plane ticket so I could come to Florida. He didn'teven know me! I took it as a sign, and went for 2 weeks. Those were 2 of the best weeks of my life! Iwas surrounded by Christians, going to church on Sundays, young adult group on Tuesdays, andspending every other minute of my time with young adults from the Church! And I met Jeremy. Jeremywas the man who had bought me the ticket. When the 2 weeks was almost through, everyone was sosorry to see me go. I had become a part of the family! And so, I decided to pack up my life and move toJacksonville, FL. I flew home, quit my jobs, and 2 weeks later Jeremy flew up to Rhode Island to drive back to Florida with me. 24 hours in a car, and you really get to know someone! I knew within daysthat this was the man that God had chosen to be my husband. We became inseparable, but never dated.Then in December of '98, he met another woman. After their second date he was driving home andstarted thinking about a future with this woman. He realized that if he pursued her, that our relationshipwould change. He suddenly realized that he was in Love with me! He got home, called my Dad andasked for my hand in Marriage. He proposed that New Years Eve. I was shocked, but overjoyed! Wewere married 6 months later. It was the most amazing spirit filled wedding I have ever seen…..Everything was perfect.And then, everything started to change.After about a year of marriage, my husband shared with me his struggle with sexual issues. Hefrequently visited swinger websites, and was intrigued by the lifestyle. In an effort to put him at ease, Ishared my experiences with him. He was surprised and intrigued. He wanted to go visit the couple frommy teens, and foolishly I agreed. While visiting, we went to a strip club where I did amateur night. Iwon $500 and opened the door to the future. We were months late on our mortgage, and the bills kept piling up. Jeremy felt like the only way to get out of this hole was for me to take a job at a strip club 2hours away from our home, just a couple nights a week. A couple turned into 4 or 5, and soon he had toquit his job just to have the time to drive me and pick me up. Then one day while searching the internetfor opportunities, he came across an ad for performers in an adult film in Tampa, Florida. He said itwas our only hope. In the eyes of God and my family, and anyone else, he said took responsibility asmy husband and the leader of our family for my actions. I allowed him to make the decision, consumedhalf a bottle of Captain Morgan, and performed in my first Adult Film. I cried my heart out. I wanted todie, but I tried to keep it inside to spare Jeremy the guilt. Unfortunately, one just wasn't enough. And so

began my career as an Adult Film Star.In an effort to make money without me having to be in front of the camera, we planned a trip to NewYork where I had plans to dance at a high class Strip club. My first night there I was slipped a date rapedrug and was raped by an unknown number of employees of the strip club. After being missing for 12hours, I miraculously contacted the people we were staying with and was taken to the hospital for tests.Unfortunately my test results and police records were later mysteriously lost. There was nothing I coulddo. Fortunately for me, I don't remember much so I wasn't emotionally scarred by the rape. I was in thewrong place at the wrong time,. If it wasn't me, it would have probably been another new girl. Jeremydid not take it as well. He felt so much guilt for putting me in that position. The hardest part for me wasthat they stole my wedding rings and my grandmother's jewelry. I have never felt so violated, and ithardened me. I went numb. I could not be Keri and the person I was playing, so I put Keri deep insideso I wouldn't feel the guilt and shame. I justified my actions by believing that Jeremy was assumingresponsibility and that I was doing it for my marriage. But deep down I knew I was just fooling myself.And yet I kept on going. And it only got worse. I remember making $36,000 in 3 weeks and then not being able to pay our rent a week later. I don't know where it went. And it seemed like it was never enough. The more I made, the more our expenses went up. In order to keep going, I would ask Jeremyto give me a date of when it would all end. He kept setting timelines and and end points, and then thetimes would come and go. I started in the business in the summer of 2000. I was 24 years old. The finaldeadline for our retirement from the adult business was that I would be have a baby before Jeremyturned 30. He turned 30 July of 2004. I was not pregnant. Quite the contrary actually.About 11 months before his 30th birthday, Jeremy told me that he felt I didn't meet his physical needsand felt that in order to meet those needs that he should have a girlfriend. I was shocked. And yet a partof me wanted to test him to see just how far he was willing to take it. I told him that he didn't meet myemotional needs and he suggested that I get a boyfriend. I was floored…And yet I played along just tosee what he would do. And so he got a girlfriend and I got a boyfriend. And after about a month I triedto leave him for the boyfriend. Even though in my heart I knew it wasn't right, but I wanted him tosuffer. I wanted him to lose everything so that he could make the right decision once and for all. And he begged me to come back….He wanted to go back to Florida and start over. He wanted to leave it all behind and make things right again. He had bought 2 plane tickets to Florida and was driving to theairport as we talked. I told him if he took me home to get our dogs I would leave with him that day.And so, we drove home. I called my boyfriend and broke it off while Jeremy was inside packing. I broke his heart, and because of that, I felt that I had broke mine. But I knew I was doing the right thing.When I told Jeremy, he couldn't believe I had done it over the phone. He had planned on leaving hisgirlfriend a note because he couldn't bear to tell her face to face. His girlfriend lived with us. She wasdownstairs while all this was going on. I was shocked. In total disbelief, I told him I couldn't go withhim unless he told her face to face. He begged me not to make him. And so he tried, and when she broke down in tears, he begged me not to make him choose. "I Love You both" he told me…..I told himsomeday I would choose for him. I don't think he believed I would ever follow through.And so the knife was driven deeper into my heart. And I became hardened and cold. But I stayed. 3arrests (Jeremy's) and about $40,000 later I was still there. The further we were from God, the worsethings became… It was the most painful and humiliating year of my life. Jeremy used to always say"Let me be wrong"…He didn't want me to tell him when he screwed up, he wanted to figure it out onhis own and learn from his own mistakes. Yeah….I wanted him to fail. I didn't force him to do what Iknew was right because I wanted him to fail by his own rules. I realize now that I was wrong for that. Ihold a partial responsibility for his mistakes. I was bitter and didn't lift him up when he was too weak to

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Aria Shares Her Story

Keri - formerly known as the porn star 'Aria' - shares her story. Growing up in a Christian home, she decided at an early age that her heart belonged to Jesus. Once an adult, ... (More)

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