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AriesAn Aries will kill you for a matter of principle. And when he does, well, it will be in somecontest of arms or wits, and the Aries will turn out to be undisputed master of whatever pieceof cutlery is singing its way into your black heart. This will inevitably be an unpleasantsurprise for you.You will not have much time to talk your way out of being chopped up by some cutlasswielding Aries. They usually start by cutting off your ears, then your nose. Falling to your knees and begging for mercy will not work until after you lose a few body parts. Aries likes proof they are better, and nothing works better than seeing your ears on the ground. But after that, you have a good slim chance.Aries will leave your segmented remains in a steaming, gory pile for the buzzards. Aries israrely prosecuted for murder because of their original methods of dispatch and brazenmethods. The police admire this sort of excellence and usually just throw up their hands andkeep the evidence photos for office parties.TaurusA Taurus will kill you for all the traditional reasons: money, sex, and revenge. In this, they are predictable, which is good. Unfortunately, the average Taurus has unnatural reserves of strength in their bodies, which makes being strangled an unpleasant possibility. If you areunlucky, the Taurus you inspire to murder you will have some sort of military training. Thiswill greatly reduce your chances of survival. Even the boy scout trained Taurus is an efficientkilling machine. For some reason, the Air Force trained Taurus are the most lethal.There is not much you can do to stop Taurus once he has decided to pull your arm out of thesocket. Reason is futile. Threats of revenge will just make him angrier and make your lastmoments more painful. You have a slim hope with bribery, but, again, this could backfire andturn the swift murdering Taurus into a extended torture session with you and your money asthe star attraction. There is something in the Taurus personality that is a pirate, and it is bestleft dormant.Practical Taurus will use your steaming remains to make something beautiful. This usuallymeans compost and bone meal for the garden. It appeals to their concept of universal order that something so vile (you) are now making strong stems and healthy leaves for the roses andcarrots. Your scrotum will most likely be made into a tobacco pouch, and your giblets madeinto sandwiches for the homeless. Taurus is rarely punished for murder as there is rarely anyevidence left, and they are generous to investigating detectives with Cuban cigars, wine andsandwiches. Raymond Burr is a Taurus.GeminiA Gemini will kill you for somehow tricking them. As Gemini are a very intellectually mobilesign, you probably will not know what you have done. It could be cheating at Scrabble, or trying to lose at Scrabble, or not cheating enough at Scrabble to give Gemini somecompetition because you always lose at Scrabble. As for method, Gemini will usually favor whatever technique or device they have last seen on Serial Killer Week on The CrimeChannel. Ideally, Gemini would just give you some amusing, but cleverly erroneous drivingdirections that take you to some gang banger headquarters in a car the wrong color. Usually,Gemini just puts out a contract on your head, taking advantage of their extensive pen palconnections through their Prison Friends magazine subscription.
 
You can usually talk a Gemini into not having you killed. They find the idea of being Judgeand Jury rather fun. This may backfire if they get a taste for it and become serial killers withyou as a required prop in the psychodrama.If you do die, you will likely end up in a landfill. Gemini inevitably ends up in prison for murder, too.Cancer Like all of the water signs, a Cancer will kill you for obscure emotional slights. They are veryemotionally sensitive and not good communicators of their feelings, so you will usually notrealize that they are planning to kill you. As for method, Cancer comes in two varieties …either they want you to die quickly and painlessly, or slowly and in great torment. Poisonsfigure prominently in their planning, as do some form of being sealed up or buried alive. If they are really angry, they will burst into tears and call you names as they shovel dirt ontoyour face.Even the most inept wordsmith can talk his way out of being killed by a Cancer. A simpleabject apology, with lots of tears and wailing, can work wonders. Emphasis should be on being sorry for hurting their feelings, and understanding how you slighted them, rather thantalk of punishment or your right to live. Grovel and eat dirt.Cancer likes to make a thoughtful shrine somewhere close to where your body is preserved insome way. They can visit and recall all the good times you shared together, and repress anynegative memories of your cold blooded murder at their hands. Unless your mummifiedcorpse is found some decades after the fact, Cancer will escape punishment. Generally, the police buy whatever flimsy excuses and cheap alibi Cancer dishes out. It is too much paperwork to prosecute, and besides, Cancer will provide a lifetime of premium coffee andhome baked treats to the Detective lucky enough to hold your file.LeoA Leo will kill you for just being in the way. This is an easily predictable position in life, soyour Leo enemies, though many, are not likely to get you by surprise. The Leo prefers someform of public slaying, preferably with an admiring crowd, which is, if you think about it,impractical. Just stay away from public places with the Leos you have humiliated and youshould be fine.It is hard to avoid death at the hands of a Leo once his fingers are around your windpipe. Youare the villain, and there is not much you can do to save yourself. Pleading for mercy, or appeals to reason, or offers of money, or divine retribution just seem to make Leo more angry,and your death will take longer in the bargain. If you can act like a blubbering coward, thishelps. Kissing the ground before their feet is a proven life saver.Your body will be left to rot where it falls. Leo will get sent to prison, where he will do justfine, perhaps writing a novel and getting a university degree. Leo will not suffer much in prison, which is not much of a consolation.VirgoA Virgo will decide to kill you for being somehow unclean. As Virgo is a somewhatinscrutable sign, this concept of unclean varies from individual to individual. So, whatever 
 
you did will be a surprise. Being an Earth sign, Virgo likes to plan your murder, perhaps doingadditional research and some experimentation. Virgos are expert users of poison and viciousanimals. Expect to find Asbestos in your air conditioner, or a coral snake in your shower.If you have your wits about you, you can play along with the whole denial thing Virgos havegoing on about their plans to kill you. Just deny that the scorpion in your shoe is an attempt onyour life, but rather an amusing coincidence of nature. Be sure to laugh. Virgo finds it hard to bludgeon people who are laughing.Virgo tends to get away with murder as it is almost impossible to prove that they did it. Theydo their homework well and most Detectives are too lazy to do the footwork to put theaverage Virgo behind bars.LibraA Libra will decide to kill you for being ‘unfair’, or worst of all, for disagreeing with them..As Libra live in a rarefied ivory tower of obligation and rituals reminiscent of the ByzantineEmpire, you are pretty much doomed to not live up to their standards. As for method of murder, Libra is certainly the most lethal in that they are the most practical when it comes tosnuffing out living things. The Libra will select the most efficient method, and of all the signs,this is the most to be feared.You can usually talk you way out of certain death at the hands of a Libra by groveling andadmitting how wrong you were and how right they are. When your abject confession of theastounding truth of their logic is made clear, Libra is less likely to have you cast into the pit of lime. After all, you are one of the too few members of humanity who see reason, their reason,and now have more value then one of the grubby nay saying peasants.If you do die at their hands, you will usually get a decent funeral. Libra is master of forgery,and a simple set of cooked death certificates is no problem for the flying pen of Libra. It will be a nice funeral, too. Much better than you deserve, you bum.ScorpioPoor Scorpio gets a bad reputation as some sort of serial killer. Actually, they just get caughtthe most, being emotional and abandoning reason and good crime craft when they go aboutsnuffing enemies and rivals. A Scorpio, being an emotional water sign, will plot to kill you if you cheat him in a business deal, or you mess with someone he loves. Pretty mundane, whenyou think about it. Scorpios do favor some form of slow and painful method for killing, andthey do like to watch. Ideally, they like to watch your face when they strangle you, but mostScorpios have a delicate constitution and don’t have the strength to match their burning will power for a good throttling. So, if you do face a homicidal Scorpio, he will usually have agun, sometimes a crossbow. They will wound you first, then deliver some sort of speech.During the speech is your time to save yourself. You have to convince the crossbow wieldingScorpio that you are getting what you deserve because you are scum. If you can convince theScorpio that you are more miserable than they are, that your riches are empty pleasures, thatsex is meaningless, that all your treasures are bitter, you just might escape your fate.If you fail, you die. You will be left to rot. Scorpio inevitably ends up in prison, anyway, butthey have a spiritual and intellectual rebirth. They become stronger and better in prison, whichis not much of a consolation.
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