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How We Play The Dating Game
Welcome to the world of dating. If you've never entered this domain you maywish to drop to your knees and give thanks to Saint Casanova. The sad fact is that it can be very brutal. It often leads to pain, remorse, depression and in extreme cases a gallonoverdose of Ben and Jerry's Pecan Cookie Crunch.The first step towards dating is to actually find a date. This is often thought to bethe most difficult part of the process but in reality is the easiest. Why? There's no pressure. The person you're seeking has no clue of who you are. He has no idea that you parade around your house naked singing show tunes while making up half the lyrics. Notknowing anything about a person opens up a whole new world--the wonderful world of lies and deceit. Incidentally, this is the key to a long lasting relationship!This practice of tactful embellishment is by all means an extraordinary art formused by both sexes. It has the ability to create an unemployed male manic-depressivealcoholic into a multimillionaire who likes to just enjoy an occasional martini on boardhis yacht. Women are just as guilty. The ever so meaningful phrase, "You're the nicestguy I've ever met" usually translates to "You'll do, 'til someone better comes along."The first date is the most crucial aspect towards the longevity of the new partnership. After meeting your dream date (either through a mutual friend, personal ad,Chuck Woolery, or spray painting your number on a billboard) you must now coerce themale into asking you out. (This is done by flirting, skimpy attire, or sheer grovelling.)The male should expend a lot of time planning where your first date will take place. Theenvironment in which the date takes place is important because it determines whether you'll see that particular person again. If he brings you to Fanny's Fat Burgers--take arain check on the next date. Especially if he didn't even pick up the check.Once you're on the date and your anxiety has subsided, usually as a result of thesix Wallbanger's you had prior to him picking you up, the personal questions begin. "Doyou have any tattoo's, diseases, or jealous psycho ex-boy-friends?" Your response,hopefully, "No." Your turn. "How 'bout you? Do you have any abnormal fetishes,outstanding credit card bills, and/or convicted rape charges?" Remember, two outtathree ain't bad. If the man is really trying to impress a woman he will keep the fact thathe still lives with his mother a secret. He can always reply later, "I could've sworn I toldyou I lived with ma."After dinner, you have a good idea whether you like the person sitting across fromyou. If the person is no longer sitting across from you than they probably didn't like you.But, let's assume the date went well. He told you how successful he's doing in the stock market. He made you laugh. He picked up the bill without borrowing your Visa. And totop it off he drives a nice BMW. This can't be love because you feel so good.On the drive home you make idle chit-chat. He tells you about meaningless triviawhile pointing out places where he and his best friend Pinky used to bond over a case of  beer. You laugh as if his moronic childhood memories appease you. Soon you findyourself contemplating whether you should ask him in for coffee. You change the subjectto what a beautiful rainy drizzling night it is. He agrees while plotting to himself if the"Do you mind if I use your phone?" line will get him in the door.At the door, you both revert back to idle chit-chat until someone breaks the tie
 
with "I really had a good time tonight." A positive response could lead to a kissgoodnight. A negative response could lead to a lonely night of classic movies and Bon- bons. You decide to hold off on the kiss because you don't want to come across easy notto mention you were unable to sneak a breath mint when he wasn't looking.After seconds of mulling over the number of dates you've had in the last threeyears you invite him in for coffee. He replies, "I don't drink coffee." You then suggestthat he at least come in and make a phone call.He vanishes into a vacant room and you overhear him say "Don't forget to leave the door unlocked." You quickly pull the glass away from the wall and sit seductively on thecouch. He hangs up the phone, sniffs his armpits, and appears in the doorway. "Nice place you have here" he states as if he really gives a damn.You proceed to describe the pain and torment you encountered routing throughwallpaper samples to match the flame stitched cascading drapes. He suggests hanging a picture in the dining room of four dogs playing poker. You both laugh but have no ideawhy. You decide not to bring up the exhaustive struggle of choosing tile patterns for thefoyer and simply ask him if he would like a glass of wine-- knowing full well you haveno wine. He responds, "Sure."Soon you yell from the kitchen, "I just remembered, I'm out of wine. Would youlike some Tangerine Blend?" He answers back, "Sure. Whatever." You come out of thekitchen reiterating that you forgot you didn't have any wine, however you add the rhetoricthat you gave it to the neighbors as a house warming gift. After all, by no means do youwant him to think you're some kind of "booze hag."You're now both on the couch laughing about some person you mutually dislike,in this case, Oprah. After hours of belittling the talk show queen, to keep your mind off of your own miserable life, you realize time has gotten away. "It's getting late," you sigh."Yea, I really should be going," he responds. You both agree that you've got to get upearly because you have a big day tomorrow. Little does he know, you're big day consistsof three loads of laundry and an hour of Oprah.You walk to the door and say your farewells. He starts the bidding off with "Well,I'm really glad I met you." You smile and cleverly say, "Me to." He calls your bluff andraises the bid to "Can I see you again?" You bat your eyes and in a coy manner respond,"If you want to." A hush fills the room and the two of you gulp in unison. Your palms become wet and your mouth dry. Thoughts explode through your mind. "Is he gonnakiss me? Should I kiss him?" and "Where the hell are my Tic-Tacs?"With your head slightly cocked you gaze dumbfounded into his eyes. You noticea small pimple on his forehead lingering around his receding hairline. For the moment,you choose to ignore it. (You're just thankful he's not sporting a cold sore.) His faceslowly inches towards your face. You close your eyes in hopes of seeing Don Johnson.Unfortunately, Don Knotts pops up. Oh well, a kiss is just a kiss--unless, of course, the person is a lousy kisser. Then, a kiss is just a nightmare.As the four lips unite in imperfect harmony you feel your body become numb.You soon realize that it's a result of him squeezing you too tight causing an abatement of  blood circulation. Nevertheless, it still feels good--at least up to the moment he bitesyour lip. This is usually followed by a whispered, "I'm sorry," then a slight murmur or groan to signal that the kiss may now resume.Sometime during the kissing excursion the mouths will part and the tongues will
 
meet. Many times, only one mouth will part only to find pursed lips waiting on the other side. This is not the time to use your tongue as a car jack, or even worse, a battering ram.(It is usually a sign that means "Do Not Enter" not "Full Speed Ahead.") You decide toinvite his tongue in to admire your molars.A footnote; The French kiss is so named because the French hate everything.They have always demonstrated their dislike by sticking out their tongues to expressdisgust (sometimes using the word "pig" as a follow up). For unknown reasons, thisturned on the French women. Since then, the French have used their tongue for everything--except to say a kind word.On this particular kiss you find yourself enjoying it. He is not like the others whotended to explore your esophagus, work out on your tonsils, or better yet, dig a root canal.His kiss is soft and wet like a baby's behind. However, you're too uptight to enjoy it because you fear that you're slobbering way too much and it might just turn him off.(This is known as saliva phobia.)During the kissing process several things are usually occurring simultaneously.His arms are around you. His hands are rubbing your back (mostly to see if you'rewearing a bra), your one heel might kick up (but that's purely for show or scratching itchynylons), and your left hemisphere is fighting with your right over whether you should ask him to spend the night.The internal conflict over inviting a man to spend the night is by no means aneasy battle. The first impulse is always "yes" then you reflect on past experiences. Yourecall men who talk while they snore. You recollect a concussion you received when being accidentally shoved from your bed and landing on the floor. And, you remember  playing opossum as he nudged you to go another round. You continue to contemplate because you know in your heart--he's not like the others. "I just know he'll call again,"you convince yourself.You conclude the lip locking process by stating "I think you should go now." He picks up his coat, wipes his mouth, and fixes his hair. He clears his throat and whispers,"Maybe you're right." You're disappointed that he didn't respond, "Are you sure?"However, you're glad because that would most likely start another blood bath between theright and left hemisphere. He leans over and gives you a quick peck good-bye. Your eyes become crossed and you exhale the word "bye."As he walks towards his beautiful car, you realize that this is the man for you.He's has everything your looking for, at least that's what he told you. You feel bad aboutnot mentioning your five children. You figure you'll break it to him on the second date.A little while later you find yourself upstairs with a S.O.S brillo pad scrubbing your makeup off.On the other side of town, your dream date has arrived home and is pounding onthe door screaming, "Come on ma, unlock this damn thing!" In the still of the night twomen watch the raving middle-aged man as they repo his car.As you snuggle into your bed, you sigh and mutter to yourself "I think I've finallyfound the man of my dreams."** This was written by a male from a female perspective. He was able to achieve suchintricate details of a typical first date through painstaking dedication, careful research,and dressing up in women's attire. The writer still claims that he enjoys his work--even
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