Incredible is the fact of having so muchdifficulty in feeling good. Be accepted,integrated. A part of something. There's no neednot be huge, just something. I do not understandhow time passes and slow to show a friend,someone who could make all these contingencieseasier to endure and overcome. All this might beeasier to face with someone with someone next tous, with whom to vent, to occupy the time, thishead with destroyed dreams.Some people complain of having too much to do,too much work, much study, and even though I haveso much to grab, all this loneliness takes mestrength and encouragement. I lack that push thatnever arrives.The worst is that I start not knowing what todo, how to react, and I am constantly assaultedby insecurity. It is as if one side of me wantsto fall asleep and not wake up, and another wantsto try to let go and try out and learn newthings. I want to meet new people, but the stateI'm in does not help me to open up and reallyshow who and what I am.
When I see someone approaching me, I think thatthere is going to begin my recovery, it may bethat help that I so badly need. Then head startsthinking, starts working, creating expectations,create unreasonable illusions that serve only tomake me feel more alone, more lost, throwing meto the depths of my being rotten and decaying.
I feel lonely and forlorn.
With dreams, expectations, needs, but that onlyexist in my mind. They do not materialize.
House feels more like a prison than a refugeitself. Not because they handcuffed me and leftme in a cell but because they do not know how toget out. I feel the lack of affection, lack of akiss, a hug. A human touch in this walking ghost.