length (though keep the letter to about a page or less) about how you have been a long time royalcustomer, and have recently purchased
(whatever’s on the receipt), only to have your wholefamily come down with diarrhea/vomiting/nausea/etc.
Do not, however, say that you went tothe doctor
. If you do, the pizza place will want to see medical records to cover their own asses,and you’ll be shit out of luck. Make the complaint significant, but keep it mild enough so thatyou didn’t seek any medical attention (this means saying something along the lines of ‘I found a piece of glass that split my tongue in two’ is out, as they’d expect that to be something that you’dgo to the hospital for…). Polish off the letter by stating that you are seriouslydisillusioned/disappointed/devastated with the quality of
brand’s dining establishments.Though, once again, don’t overdo this by saying that you’ll never go there again; instead, let that be an implied threat that hangs in the air, hauntingly unstated. Finally, though it’s not absolutelynecessary, you can explicitly state that you would like compensation for your most unfortunatedining experience. Include the receipt that you found along with the letter, and mail it off. Withina few weeks you should receive a soggy apology letter, along with either coupons for free pizza,or a check for the amount spent. In this case, a coupon would actually be better, as you couldthen proceed to make numerous copies of it to use over and over (for some more info oncouponing see: http://www.rorta.net/index.php?page=couponing_v2, andhttp://www.rorta.net/index.php?page=complaintletterscam for other potentialities of thecomplaint letters cam).~
The Table Scrapper
. Walk around through the pizza place looking for any unattended tables thathave left some discarded remains. Gluttonous consumers often leave their food unfinished, andit’s going to get trashed anyway, so you might as well pick some up.~
. If you don’t like table scraps, and the pizza place is the kind where dine-in ordersare picked up by the diners themselves at the front counter, simply swoop in and pick up an order standing on the counter before the real customers do. Leave a random receipt or a strayelectronic buzzer on the counter as a credibility prop, and then get the fuck out of there.~
The Late Order
. Place an order for a
about twenty or thirty minutes before the pizza place closes. Show up about five minutes before closing time and go in to pick up your pizza.Reach your hand casually into your pocket so as to pull out your wallet, only to act befuddledand begin feeling around for your wallet. Frown and apologetically begin to explain that youmust’ve left your wallet at home, and “could you mind just waiting a bit while I go back and getit, it’ll be like twenty minutes, I’m so sorry about that…:(”. The rub here lies in the fact that, notwanting to wait around for this dunce to go back for his wallet, the pizza place may just let youhave the order for free. If, however, they begrudgingly do say ‘fine, we’ll wait,’ come back inabout an hour or so when the place has closed down, and go look in the dumpster, which bringsus to the next method:~
The Dumpster Dive
. Orders that get fucked up are often tossed away into the trash. If you have‘issues’ with eating dumsptered food, resort only to consuming the boxed items, as those remain‘uncorrupted’ by the perceived evils of the dumpster. Visit the dumpster an hour or so after the place closes, and then simply bring the dumpstered pizzas home and heat ‘em up.