Messed-Up Weekend 11/12/2012 11:24 Page 1

MORNING: WALKING TO SCHOOL

We need to do something cool, I announced. What? James asked. We need to do something really cool, I repeated (only this time I added the word really). I heard what you said. What cool thing do we need to do? I dont know. Something really cool and really big and right now. Why? Because Im writing a lm, I explained. A lm about what? Us. Dont be a twat. Im serious! Shut up now, please. Why? Because youre annoying me. Tough. We need to do something really . . . Why are you holding your phone like that? James interrupted.
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Because Im recording us. Why? So I dont have to write down everything were saying. Why would you want to write down everything were saying? I dont, thats why Im recording it. Youre a twat. I know. Please can we just do something really cool before its too la Its too late. Enter Tim small, irritating hanger-on the one thing guaranteed to prevent anything cool from ever happening. Ever. Hello, Mr Little Willy! Hello, Mr Littler Willy! Tim greeted us in an annoyingly bouncy way. Why am I Mr Littler Willy? James protested. What you doing with your phone? Tim asked. Writing a lm, I explained. Oh, right, cool. Did you see Dr Who last night? Who says mines smaller than Jacks? demanded James. Dont start talking about Dr Who, Tim were trying to do something cool here, I pleaded. If your life was a lm, who would do the voiceover? Tim asked, obediently changing the subject. Morgan Freeman, James answered without a moments hesitation. Morgan Freeman should do the voiceover for everything. Did you know his name is an anagram of Frogman Reeman? Tim blurted. Guyyyys! I whined. Please!
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James was a quiet young man, James said, doing a crap impersonation of Morgan Freeman. He kept himself to himself, stayed out of trouble, had a larger than average willy . . . I said something cool! I reminded them. Just dont go around calling me Mr Little Willy, please, Tim, James muttered. Then, Dont step in the poo! Come on, guys, I pleaded again. I want the beginning to be one of those openings that really blows you away, like a big blockbuster movie, like the title shoots up onto the screen . . . Jack BAM! Samsonite BAM! The Movie BOOM! Youve got shit on your shoe, said James. If you had to kiss a guy, who would it be? asked Tim. Guys! I mean, really cool! Like, That was the best beginning to anything. EVER! Youre scufng shit all up your trouser leg, Jack. Oh, shit! roared Tim, bursting into idiot-laughter. Youre covered in dog crap! And youve sat in gum or something, added James. What? And your ies are undone . . .

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JACK
(BAM!)

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SAMSONITE
(BAM!)

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THE MOVIE
(boom)