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© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
Chapter 4 - Control and Discipline
Overview
Children are great teachers, if you listen to them. When I am tired andstressed, I am a useless parent. If my younger daughter, Bethany,marches into the living room and accuses her older sister of hitting her, I will call Natasha into the room, shout at her and send her to her room.Later, I will go to see her, explain that I was tired and stressed, and listen
to what she has to say. If she‟s not too angry with me, she‟ll tell
me and
 we‟ll reach
an understanding. If not, I just have to live with doing heranother injustice.
But when I am not tired and stressed, we deal with Bethany‟s
accusations in a completely different way. I call Natasha into the roomand ask her to tell Bethany why she hit her. It usually goes something likethis:
Natasha
:
“You bit me!” 
 
Bethany
: (Looking sheepish at first, but then defiantly). But that was becauseyou called me stupid!
Daddy
: Is that true, Natasha? 
Natasha
: Yes
– 
but she is stupid.
Daddy
: I told you to never call her stupid. Why is she stupid this time? 
Natasha
: Because she is.
Daddy
: (Exasperated) Bethany, why does Natasha think you are stupid? 
Bethany
:
I’m not stupid – 
 
she’s just calling me that because she thinks I
laughed at her drawing.
Natasha
:
(Talking to Bethany). That’s right 
- you laughed at my drawing! Youmade me feel stupid.
Bethany
:
I didn’t laugh at your drawing. I laughed at your face!
 
Natasha
: And, then you called me stupid.
Daddy:
Bethany, did you call her stupid? 
Bethany:
(Silence)
Daddy:
Bethany? 
Natasha:
 
See! She’s always telling lies about me.
 
Bethany:
I do not 
– 
 
you’re always bullying me.
 
Natasha:
 
That’s because you are stupid.
 
Daddy:
(Hands in air) Natasha! Stop that.
Natasha:
See
– 
 
you’re always taking
her side!
 
2 Emotion, Seduction and Intimacy© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
Daddy:
That’s not true.
 
Natasha:
But you do. You always do.
Bethany:
No he doesn’t!
 
Daddy:
Is that what this is about? You think I am taking her side? 
Natasha:
(Silence)
Bethany:
He doesn’t Tash. He sends me to my room sometimes too.
 
Natasha:
(Moody silence).
Daddy:
I’ve got one thing to say to you both.
 
Both:
(Silence)
Daddy:
 
(After a pause, and in a thick Yorkshire accent). I don’t like gravy….
 
Both:
(Laughing)
Daddy:
Come here….
 (Hugs both children).
The reason little people (kids) are great teachers is that they are pretty useless at hiding their emotions - unless they have already sufferedemotional trauma. They show how they feel and this makes it easier in adispute to read what is going on. Adults, on the other hand, are practised
at “dramaturgical performances” –
a phrase coined by Erving Goffman todescribe the acting abilities of big people.
1
A more recent phrase that is
easier to understand is “deep acting”. Adults have had years more
experience practising how to conceal their emotions (and had more timeto grow afraid of expressing them). Their performances are much more
convincing than a child‟s but are not perfect enough to fool all people all of 
the time. Another reason kids are great teachers is that they stay emotionally engaged with the person they are arguing with (at least in my house they do) and do not go off in a huff and refuse to speak to the other person. Adults, I find, withdraw quickly or go silent if someone questions theirintegrity or values. That makes it much harder to have a conversation likethe one above and to trace what triggered feelings of hurt or rejection. Another way to look at this, however, is to consider the level of intimacy. We have intimate relationships with other family members, andthis makes it easier to argue. With people we know less well, it is notpossible to argue in the same way (at least, not until an intimaterelationship has developed) so the style of disagreeing has to be morediplomatic and subtle. We are often told that
not
 behaving like children is a mark of maturity 
and “being civilised” but I want to suggest to you that the reverse is closer
to the truth. Think back to the opening quote in Chapter 1 of this book:
“the meetings would get so violent that people almost went across thetable at each other…People yelled…they waved their arms around andpounded on tables…faces would get red and veins bulged out.”
 This was a description of the behaviour of top executives and
technicians in one of the most „successful‟ companies of their generation
resolving differences over business plans.
 
In Chapter 3, we examined the
 
Control and Discipline 3© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
 view that
“excellent” companies allowed for, and took advantage of, the
most evolved part
of our capabilities, namely “the emotional … side (goodand bad) of human nature”. Good and bad! Or perhaps, calm and excited,
quiet and loud, passive and assertive, reflective and activated. What these executives have in common with my children is two things:
 
They are not frightened of their own emotions
 
They are not frightened of other people‟s emotions
 
Both are signs of emotional maturity.Natasha, our first child, was the first of her generation. For two yearsshe was the centre of attention from parents, grandparents, aunts anduncles, and family friends. Then others in our family had children. Four years later we had our second child, Bethany. The day her younger sistercame home from hospital, Natasha told us at the end
of the day: “you cantake her back now!” We sat down to explain that Bethany would be
staying with us, and that the nurses at the hospital were only there to help with the birth.Gradually, Natasha got less and less attention as the younger ones gotmore and more. While growing up helped, there are still times when shefeels vulnerable because she does not get
all 
the attention she used tohave. Sometimes, instead of complaining to dad (Rory) or mum(Caroline) she takes her frustrations out on her younger sister. In hermore secure moments, she admits this is because it is easier than gettingangry with a grown up.But Bethany, I found, is already a smart cookie herself. It was only  when we were old enough to track back events that I realised just how selective Bethany is in truth telling. She does not lie so much as only tellpart of the story. To her credit she is an honest soul
–
if challenged sheadmits the other side of a story. In our quieter moments, she tells me thatthe reason she does this is to compensate for being the youngest and
smallest. In her words, “I can‟t ever win”. Make a note of this –
she iseconomical with the truth because others are all stronger and she cannever win a physical fight. She can, however, sometimes win the verbalfights. If she catches us when we are tired or stressed, she can sometimescontrol her older/bigger sister.The technique we use to resolve arguments owes a debt to Staying OK 
2
 
 by Amy and Tom Harris, sequel to the bestseller I‟m OK 
-
 You‟re OK 
3
. It is
a technique called „trackdown‟ where you go back over the events that
have fuelled an argument until you spot how it started. That way, you candeal with the root cause
–
emotional hurt caused by perceived exclusion -rather than superficial behaviour that constitutes a reaction to feelinghurt. Adults, however, often refuse to engage in trackdown because they 
want 
 
to hide the emotions and thoughts
that drive their behaviour.Sometimes, they may not even be aware of them (which is the value of using trackdown as a diagnostic tool). With Natasha and Bethany 
–
as with most people, whether young or old - the root cause is almost alwaysthat one thinks another is getting favourable treatment. This triggers oneto attack the other directly (hitting, shouting, verbally abusing) orindirectly (telling tales). In the workplace, physical violence normally 
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Rory Ridley-Duff (Dr)

HTML, PRINT and KINDLE VERSIONS OF THIS BOOK NOW AVAILABLE FROM LIBERTARY.COM - http://www.libertary.com/book/emotion...

reply12 / 05 / 2010
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