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© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
Chapter 6
 –
Sexual Conflict
Introduction
In the previous chapter, we considered some of the subtle processes thattake place between leaders and followers. In the workplace, thesedynamics typically play out between entrepreneurs and employees insmall companies, or between managers and team members in largerorganisations. Our dependence on leaders inclines us to see them as
“dominant” –
those with control over resources and the power to decide
our future are “in control”. But we
also discussed that leaders can feelextremely vulnerable, that they have to put up with criticism that deeply affects their emotions. Sometimes this builds up so much that they resortto authoritarian behaviours in order to re-establish control over theirfeelings and stop others from engaging in personal attacks.
It is our understanding of managers as “dominant” rather than“powerless” that impacts on dispute resolution. When a manager has
power over a subordinate (or a temporary member of staff) the courtstypically take the view that it would be impossible for the subordinate tocause the manager any distress because the manager can discipline thesubordinate. However, in this chapter we will see that managers dosometimes accuse subordinates, and when they do, the conflicts raisesubstantive questions about the way we understand power and conflict.The first half of this chapter is based on a case that occurred after the
Sex Discrimination Act 1975 came into force and the women‟s movement
 was in full flow. There are three small changes that I have made to thestory 
–
these changes will be revealed to you in due course and I withholdthem initially because they provide the starting point for learning in thesecond half of the chapter.In the second half of the chapter, I review findings from recent researchto provide further insights into two other sexual conflicts that touched mepersonally. By the end of the chapter, you will have three contrastingperspectives: the views of someone from inside a sexual conflict; the viewsof a manager investigating a sexual conflict; the views of an externalinvestigator trying to make sense of how managers handle sexual conflict.I am indebted to Amy, a co-researcher, who retained papers and lentthem to me to help with this chapter. The first story is constructed frommemos, contemporaneous notes and reflections, letters to managers andsolicitors and the responses that these provoked. I clarified matters with Amy and she added anecdotes to create a richer understanding of arelationship she had with Mark. Amy is satisfied that it is a fair reflectionof her own understanding of the events that occurred.The first draft was then sent to all parties in the dispute. Somecontributed comments and the chapter was updated to reflect their views.No account of a dispute can be completely balanced but every effort has been made to give all parties the opportunity to comment. It is, therefore, balanced beyond a reasonable doubt.
 
2 Emotion, Seduction and Intimacy© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
The correspondence has been edited to remove details of the
organisation‟s work, as well as the technicalities of the project on which Amy and Mark worked. This gives the impression that Amy‟s and Mark‟s
relationship was more informal that it actually was. For ethical and legalreasons, true identities have been obscured.
 A Story of Sexual Conflict
Some years ago, Amy enrolled on a Masters course to study business.Prior to this, she was an analyst in a multi-national company working onmini-computer systems before leaving to run a small company of her own. A decade later she could not make this fit in with family life so she closedthe company and worked on a self-employed basis for her former clients.Married for 16 years to Shaun, she found self-employment suited her andgave her more flexibility. They had two children together, so Amy reducedher work commitments to two days a week, and cared for the children onthe other days while undertaking a course of study.
The following year, Amy‟s academic stu
dies were going well so shetransferred to a doctoral programme. She started a detailed study of thelink between feminist theory and changing business practice. When shemet Mark two years later, she was writing up her PhD. No longer doingfield work, she took on a commitment to develop a database system forhim between June and October of that year.Mark was a middle manager with a public relations role at one of the
UK‟s leading charities. He was college educated and had found work in a
multi-national company after obtaining his degree. He developed hiscareer there, but eventually opted to head a marketing initiative. When hemet Amy, he was in his thirties, engaged to be married but had chosen todelay having children. Amy was in her forties, but
–
according to herfriends - had aged well. When Amy first met Mark, she felt an instant rapport. During herresearch she had come across studies of body language that interested her. All the signs of mutual admiration were in evidence: strong unbroken eyecontact and plenty of it; comfort and ease at talking; positive aligned body posture; open gestures, smiling and some willingness to speak aboutpersonal issues.If Mark left the office before Amy, he would catch her eye and wave toher on his way out. As a consultant, Amy liked to see this kind of  behaviour because it indicated that the initial rapport was beingmaintained. In the past, such rapport underpinned working relationshipsthat had spanned over a decade so she thought the signs were promising.There was one aspect, however, that slightly unsettled her. Mark likedto tease her. On the third occasion they met
–
the first of many occasions when Amy had to stay overnight in a hotel, Mark commented as they left alift:
So, did you go out on the town last night? 
It sounded like a challenge and Amy was not sure how to respond. She
slightly resented the implication that she was some kind of “party girl” but
politely explained that staying overnight was not all it was cracked up to be. She usually read, watched TV, or studied. Amy regarded herself 
–
and
 
Sexual Conflict 3© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
Many writers comment on the role of humourand teasing during the development of arelationship.Derek Vitalio, a populist writer, argues that
playful teasing hurts a person’s ego and that they
often respond by trying to impress the teaser. If the teaser recognises their efforts (and stopsteasing), they enhance their attractiveness bybecoming a source of emotional pleasure.Academics, however, offer different explanations.Dr Lillian Glass warns that teasing is a sign of hostility, possibly even past trauma, a viewpartially supported by Dr Warren Farrell in his
discussion of ‘hazing’. However, he points out
that it also establishes how a person will react if threatened. This is normal behaviour for men
 –
 and increasingly in women - in the developmentof high trust relationships expected to face futuredanger.Professor Tony Watson looks at the issue fromthe perspective of the teaser. His explanationsuggests that humour is a good strategy forreducing fear
 –
it derives from a desire to protectagainst emotional, financial or physical hurt.My own study indicates that all may be true indifferent contexts. Some explanations apply inthe early stages of a relationship , where theremay be a lack of trust, but later in the process, itis an invitation to consensual play that enhancesintimacy, physical closeness and sexual pleasure.
 was regarded by her husband - as a confident but private person. She had
 become supportive of the women‟s movement for emancipation and
sought new ways to combine working life with parenthood.The friendly and playful nature of their working relationship is apparentimmediately in their memos to each other.
Hi Amy,Enclosed is our full set of admin procedures. There is
a lot (22 pages of them!) ….hopefully you will ge
t achance to skim the relevant sections before our next meeting, either that or I am sure it will be effective in
sending you to sleep on the train….
 Thanks, Mark ---Mark,Procedures? Send me to sleep? Lord forbid! My diary is free on 20
th
July if that is a possible date tohave a first look at the database structure. Amy 
 At this time, the IRA was setting off 
 bombs at London train stations and Amy‟s
husband and children were concerned thatshe should not travel by public transport.
Mark,With the bomb threats in London, would it be possible to park at your offices if I choose to drivedown on Tuesday? My family would feel a littlemore comfortable, I think, if I can avoid using publictransport. Amy  x  Amy,Quite understand, if I could work from home believe me I would love to. Michelle hasreserved a space for you. When you arrive just check with reception.See you around 11.30 ish.Mark 
They had a good meeting, and the humour continued.
Hi Mark,I enclose the document we discussed, with revisions. I felt everyone contributed well,and the intelligent comments towards the end of the day indicated that everyone had 
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Rory Ridley-Duff (Dr)

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reply12 / 05 / 2010
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