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© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
Chapter 7
 –
Copies Strategies
 An Introduction
Some years ago, Caroline and I survived a period during which we both
deeply hurt each others‟ feelings. I discovered something in the course of 
reconciling with her. Firstly, I could face any situation at work if I feltsecure and happy at home. Secondly, I could face any situation at home when secure and happy at work. No matter where we find our security and happiness, it provides a place from which to develop life afresh, torecover and heal our wounds and reduce our desire to punish others. Amongst the many things we found to help was a reading that we chosefor our wedding ceremony. Although these words were directed tomarried couples, they have something to teach us about the nature of relationships
–
including those in the workplace:
Escape from Loneliness
Love is something far more than desire for sexual fulfilment; it the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout thegreater part of their lives. There is a deep-seated fear, in most people, of the cold world and the possible cruelty of the herd; there is a longing for affection, which isoften concealed by roughness, scolding or a bullying manner. Passionate mutual love puts an end to this feeling; it breaks down the hard walls of the ego, producing a new being.Nature did not construct human beings to stand alone and civilised people cannot  fully satisfy their sexual instinct without love. The instinct is not completely satisfied unless our whole being, mental quite as much as physical, enters into therelationship. Those who have never known deep intimacy and intensecompanionship have missed the best thing that life has to give; unconsciously, if not consciously, they feel this, and the resulting disappointment inclines them towardsenvy, oppression and cruelty. To give due place to love should be therefore a matter which concerns us all, since, if we miss this experience, we cannot attain our full stature, and cannot feel towards the rest of the world that kind of generous warmthwithout which society would be much poorer.
Adapted from ‘Marriage and Morals” by Bertrand Russell.
 
In this chapter, I want to suggest to you that the best strategy forhandling relationship problems at work is to create an organisationstructure where people have the space to talk about their relationships.This may mean providing support for informal groups as well as formalones, and providing support
–
while resisting intervention - when peopleare in distress. In arriving at this view, I will explore the findings of a
recent international study of intimacy, including the authors‟
recommendations to managers on handling conflict.There are two arguments that will evolve in the first half of this chapter.Firstly, a positive attitude to intimacy at work is the mark of anemotionally mature
–
and economically insightful - leader. Intimacy 
 
2 Emotion, Seduction and Intimacy© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
helps people learn relationship skills, and management
–
more than any other occupation
–
is about forging, managing, developing and endingrelationships. This does not necessarily mean that managers shouldencourage intimate workplace relationships, but it does suggest that whenever a person is struggling in one
–
whether inside or outside the workplace
–
it is in the interests of all for the leader to support them intheir struggle to work out a solution, rather than intervene on their behalf.
The way such moments of a person‟s life are handled leaves an indelible
mark on the way they approach situations in the future.Secondly 
, leaders (whether formally „appointed‟ or not) are more likely to find themselves the subject of others‟ relationship aspirations. People
flock to them, seek things from them more often than others, and this canmake it harder to navigate the ambiguity inherent in receiving a lot of attention. As working closely with people is the single biggest factor in thedevelopment of intimacy, and leaders have more relationships thanothers, their own emotions
–
on several levels
–
are more at risk. Thisprovides an added incentive for those with career aspirations to equipthemselves for the task.In the second half of this chapter, I turn my attention to strategies forhandling conflict. I draw out the rationale and argument for mediation
–
  both informally, and as part of the legal documents that govern the
organisation‟s relationships with employees, suppliers and customers.
I consider the ideological implications of a changed approach for thesimple reason that our approach to handling conflict is often rooted in the
ideology that we apply to life. By changing the way we view a “problem”,
 we change the way that we deal with it. One of the strategies I offer is to view problems in a different way in order to maximise the chance of a win-win-win outcome (win for each party plus the organisation to whichthey belong). As part of this journey, let us first review how intimacy impacts onpeople in the workplace.
The Impacts of Intimacy at Work 
One of the surprises in the background reading for this book was thediscovery that four times as many people report beneficial outcomes fromintimate relationships
at work
than the opposite.
1
Secondly, the desire forintimacy is increasing and cannot be inhibited by management action.These are the conclusions of an international survey published in 2004.
In that survey only 2% of respondents believed that policy-guided approaches to managing intimate relationships actually  work. A far greater number felt that policy-based interventionsmade the situation worse rather than better.
 The reports of those who experience intimacy make fascinating reading
and women‟s accounts provide some balance for the predominantly male
accounts in earlier chapters. Names are not given in the original study, but I give people fictional names to make it easier to read. Let us start with Sheila:
I grew and changed as an individual through this experience. I have learned a lot of things about myself, about the true nature of love. I have also learned to be more
 
Coping Strategies 3© Rory Ridley-Duff, 2006 Publisher Manuscript
sympathetic and less judgemental of other people (and of myself) when they are facing difficult situations. Has it enhanced my life? Undoubtedly! Was it traumatic? Desperately! Would I take it back? No, not a moment of it!
 
2
 
Handling intimacy, and the emotions aroused, is not stress free. Even
though the above relationship led to marriage, Sheila‟s work colleagues
reacted badly and both she and her husband had to leave the company.However, even when relationships did not result in marriage, women stillreport predominantly positive experiences. Indeed,
both
parties tointimate relationships report positive attitudes more often than negativeattitudes, even when the relationships broke up or were short lived. Theaccount below was given by Jenny:
Stan was a ‘hunk’, an attractiv 
e guy who was fully aware of his physical attractiveness to the other sex. At the same time, he was highly intelligent and able
to ‘play’ with ideas and inspire interesting thoughts in everyone around him,
including me. I remember in particular his statement, which I pondered for years,
“there is nothing more logical than emotion and nothing more emotional than logic.” 
 At the time, the mere fact that one could sit and debate the meaning of concepts
such as ‘love’, ‘logic’ and ‘emotion’ was a revelation t 
o me. It was so refreshing...Isimply basked in the freedom that Stan exuded and enjoyed every minute of beingaround him.He was a free spirit and was not interested in me being tied to him. I was not 
interested in having him tied to me either…he was
not the type to get attached emotionally to anyone. Even though the relationship did not result in a marriage or even a long term friendship, I cannot say that it resulted in a trauma or big
disappointment…He came into my life at a time that I was ready t 
o be liberated and changed it forever. He inspired me to pursue my dreams. How could I be angry at him for that? 
3
 
In these two accounts
–
whether the relationships survived or not
–
 
intimacy transformed the women‟s lives. They learnt a great deal about
 themselves, how to handle emotions, about tolerance, and the give andtake of close relationships. For those, however, that hid the strength of their feelings, the outcomes were more mixed. Let us look at two morestories where women did not express their feelings to the men they desired.Belinda was a mature student who fell in love with her research
supervisor, William. She changed courses to avoid “complications” when
 William did not respond. Belinda says that she tried all sorts of non- verbal ways of interesting her supervisor but stopped after he startedanother relationship. Despite this, William continued to take an interestin her work and helped her whenever he could. After her studies she wrote a letter and told him that she loved him and he replied that he had
no idea she had felt like this but that their relationship “was like an islandout of time and space”. She regarded it as “one of the most beautifulletters that I have ever received”.
 As a result, they continued corresponding even though both hadmarried other people. They had a life-long friendship until William died.
 When William‟s marriage broke down, he emailed Belinda to say he was
single again and she wrote back quickly to invite him to stay.Disappointingly, however, Belinda received no reply. Later she learnt that
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Rory Ridley-Duff (Dr)

HTML, PRINT and KINDLE VERSIONS OF THIS BOOK NOW AVAILABLE FROM LIBERTARY.COM - http://www.libertary.com/book/emotion...

reply12 / 05 / 2010
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