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Excerpted from ‘How to be a Pencilneck’ by Owen Garratt

www.pencilneck.com

Al lRi ghts Res erv ed

THE DOMESTICATIONOF THE PENCILNECK

These little adventures would be incomplete if there was no mention of afew of the significant loves that have shaped and in some cases, defined my life.I suppose we could also shovel in a couple of notable disasters too, butwe’ll start with one that had a net positive effect on things. After I mended.Vee

(obviously a pseudonym)

was tall, with yards of thick dark hair, full lipsand large doe eyes. You know those couples that you see walking down the streetwhere she’s a knockout, arm-in-arm with a stumpy little gargoyle, and you think to yourself “What does a woman like that see in a guy like him?” That was us.When we met, she’d just finished nursing school and finished at the top of herclass.Ian, Tim and Garth Lueke,

(pronounced ‘Luke’)

lived around the corner frommy childhood home,

(and my home again at the time of this story),

on Turner Crescent inRegina. I was on the cusp of 21, and in the second year of Music College. Vee isTanya’s cousin, and Tanya was Garth’s girlfriend, and is now his wife.

(Payattention, because we’re asking questions later)

I met Vee, ironically enough, the same evening that Dee and I began ouraffair. She merits her own story, or two, but Dee was a small town girl a couple of years younger than me, and we met at Music College. We were ‘coffee buddies’,and it inexplicably progressed to intimacy at this Lueke party. Naturally I fellhead over heels for her, but her boyfriend back home gave the whole thing a bit of an unwanted flavor.The gong show with Dee lasted most of the winter, but Vee kept showingup at various functions, including my 21

birthday, which Dee was unable to

Excerpted from ‘How to be a Pencilneck’ by Owen Garratt

www.pencilneck.com

Al lRi ghts Res erv ed

attend due to an out of town gig. Dee and I were going through a surreal thingwhere I was The Other Guy, and she still wouldn’t leave the old boyfriend back home.Earlier in the year I had bet my buddies that I would quit smoking, and Idid for 5 months, but after several bottles of beverage, I fell into temptation. Veesmoked, so I’d charmed her into popping into the bathroom with me, so I couldget off a quick ciggy without putting up with the chaffs of my chums…especiallyGarth.After several of these little meetings, people started noticing that we weredisappearing together, and Vee was getting questioned by several party goershoping for real ground floor dirt. Her coy miles and all too vigorous denials weretelling.As things wound down and people started to jump ship, Vee came andasked me if I could give her a ride home after the party. I thought, “Hmmm, I’mthe ONLY person who doesn’t have to leave, so statistically, I would be the

worst

bet for hitching a ride.”Haw!So, drunk with liquors and obviously unable to drive anywhere, I offered asmooth invitation to stay the night. Once accepted – naturally there had to be softresistance and demure protestations for the sake of propriety, we kicked out thestragglers and retired. While exfoliating the evening from my teeth, I saw that Iwas going to have to put in some fancy touches.We began some lighthearted fumbling in the dark, and before anything gottoo hotted up, I began my soliloquy:

Excerpted from ‘How to be a Pencilneck’ by Owen Garratt

www.pencilneck.com

Al lRi ghts Res erv ed

“Before anything gets too hotted up, we’d better make sure that we’reboth after the same things here.” This can be a splash of cold water on theproceedings, but Vee was an interested audience.“Look,” I said, “you know that I’m kind of caught up in this mess withDee…”“Uh huh. Too bad she didn’t show up tonight. Maybe you could reachher -

at her boyfriends place!

”Zing!“Very probably. Then you know how gluey the whole thing is. You’re aknockout, you’re funny, and actually, you’re one of the smartest women I’ve everknown…”“Why, because I’m here?” she said, with dryness.I chuckled demurely. “That’s good. Seriously, I’m trying to do the BigThing here. If you’re maybe hoping to try out a relationship, I gotta say that I’mon the heartsick side, and I’ve got lots of unfinished business that I need to addressbefore I try my hand at a new fling. If you're after something more serious, thenwe’d better just cool things down right now, because I don’t want anybody gettinghurt here. Mainly mostly me.”She propped herself up on an elbow. “Are you done flattering yourself yet? Just because I’m in your bed doesn’t mean that that I can’t think straight.Dee’s making you out to be a chump, and you’re damn right in needing to dealwith that first, because I don’t want any part of it. She’s not here, I am. We’reboth grown-ups…well, I’M a grown up, and if you don’t get your act together, it’sno loss to me. Just shut up and let’s enjoy each other awhile.”

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The Domestication of The Pencilneck ®

The Colonel & The Boys "If it wasn't for Karla, I think I'd be living in a tarpaper shack.

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Category:	Creative Writing > Short Stories
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Upload Date:	03/05/2009
Copyright:	Attribution Non-commercial
Tags:	owen garratt pencilneck the colonel owen garratt pencilneck the colonel (fewer)