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ANDROGYNOUSSEXUALITY
 
Reflectionsof
aGay
byF~NKSCOTT
CROSSTHENATIONand aroundtheworld,closetdoorsare opening.Gaypeopleare"coming out"inincreasingnumbers, openlyackowledgingtheirsexual orientationandstrivingtocope withtheproblemsthismay present.Thereareevensignsofa real,ifgrudging,tolerationonthe partofsocietyforasexual minoritywhichhasbeenlittle understoodandwidelyexploited. Oneaspectofthisphenomenon whichhasbeenscarcelyexplored isthesuddenexplosionin numbersofgaywomenandmen withchildren. Itisprobablysafetosaythat therehavealwaysbeengay parents.Thedifferencetodayisin thenumberofparentswhoare openlyadmittingtheyaregay. Consequently,thereisanew climateofattitudeandactivity whichinsiststhatbeinggaydoes notdisqualifyusfrombeing responsibleparents.Lesbian mothers,forexample,havetra- ditonallybeendeniedcustodyof theirchildrenbecausetheirsexual preferencemakesthemunfit mothers,orsothecourtshave decreed.Increasingly,gaywomen- arerefusingtosubmittothis defamationandarefightingfor custodyoftheirchildren.The battlehasonlybegun,butthereis asmuchsignificanceinthefact thatthebattleisbeingfoughtas therewillbeinthevictorieswhich willbewon.Myperspectiveasagayfather isshapedbytheemotionalreali- tiesofmysituation,aswellasby thelegaltechnicalities.Inour society,fathers,whethergayor straight,arerarelyawarded custodyoftheirchildren.A manwhobreaksthebondsofa heterosexualmarriageandmoves intothegaylifeautomaticallyhas twostrikesagainsthimasa parent.First,he'ssimplyonthe wrongsideoftheargument.His
FrankScottisPastorofMetro- politanCommunityChurch,Pitts- burgh,Pa,whereheformerly servedchurchesoftheSouthern BaptistConvention.
14INUNITY/March1976
ASISTOODGAZINGDOWNATLYDIA'SFACE,FLUSHEDANDPINCHEDWITHTHEINTENSEHEATFROMWITHIN,THEFULLWEIGHTOFBEINGSEPARATEDFROMMYCHILDRENSETTLEDONME.
wifegetsthechildrenandhegets visitingrightsandfinancial supportpayments.Inaddition,he islabeledtheoffenderinthe maritaldisintegration,byvirtueof hissexualpreference,andhis parentalrelationshipiscalledinto question.Theoverridingfear seemstobethathewillseducehis children,emotionallyifnot physically,intoacceptanceof homosexualityasavalid alternative.Gayisstillafour- letterword. Lookingbackovermy experience,IcanseehowIset myselfuptotakeafall.Imarried myhighschoolgirlfriendwhenwe finishedcollege.Wehadbeen datingforoversixyearsanditwas thenatural,expectednextstep. AtthattimeIhadnotyet admittedtomyselfthatIwasa homosexual,althoughIrealized therewassomethingdifferent aboutme.Naively,Iassumedthat marriagewouldsolvetheproblem ofmy"queer"sexualinterest. Andsoitseemedto-forawhile. Childrenbeganarrivingwith alarmingregularity,however,and
I
fiveyearslaterIfoundmyselfthe
I
fatherofthreebeautifullittle girls.Ialsofoundmyself becomingincreasinglyinvolved withthegaylife,nurturedin secrecyandguilt.Bythistimemy marriagewasbeginningtofray aroundtheedges.Tocomplicate mattersfurther,Iwasservingas pastorofaBaptistchurchandwas constantlyinfearofsomeone discoveringmyhiddenlifeand exposingmetoridiculeand shame.Comingoutoftheturmoilof
I
thatperiodwasmyfirstdecision asagayparent:mychildrenmust neverknow.Forthesakeofthe children(aswellasforthesakeof family,friends,church,etc.),I wouldconcealmysexualidentity andwouldstrivetoholdtogether thetatteredfragmentsofa marriage.Inretrospectitwasa decisionwhichwasbothcowardly andunwise,butitwasthebestI coulddoatthetime.Eachday becameanightmare'ofdesireand guilt,ofconflictandfear.The marriagebecameahollowshell, inhabitedbytwounhappypeople whoneverdarednamethesome- thingwhichhadgrownup betweenthem,asfixedandsolid asawall. InthisbeleaguredconditonI enduredforeightmoreyears. Eachyearbroughtagrowing acceptanceofmyselfasahomo- sexual.Eachyearbroughtnew burdensofguiltandfearof discovery.Eachyearbrought additionalproblemstoamarriage whichwasnowoneprolonged crisis.Eachyearbroughtnew difficultiesinbalancingmytwo lifestylesandstillfindingtimeto spendwithmychildren.My growingsenseoffailureasa parentcoloredallmyexperiences andtrappedmeinanemotional vise.Mydaughterswererapidly becomingthemajorcasualitiesin myrunningbattlewiththeworld, theflesh,andmyself. Thepasttenmonthshave broughtmanychangestomylife. MywifeandIseparated,after acknowledgingthefutilityof strugglingtopreservealegal relationshipwhichwas meaningless.Iresignedfrommy churchand,aftersomemonthsof drifting,foundmywaytoMCC.I metamananddiscoveredthefull impactofloveandcommitmentin agaylifestyle.AndIrediscovered mychildren. MydaughtersareDebbie,12, Becky,10,andLydia,7.They spendeverySaturdaywithmeand mylover.Onoccasiontheysleep over,intheirsleepingbagsonthe livingroomfloor.CliffandItry tomakethisqualitytime,since TGC:2
 
Parent
thequantityissolimited.Inareal sensewearebothinvolvedin beinggayparents.Weattempt todevisewaystomakeourtime togetherinterestingandyet together.Inthepastfewweekswe havetouredthezoo(twice!), riddenaskilift,playedonswings andexploredarockyriverbank. FrequentlyonSaturday afternoons,weallcuddleonthe floorandwatchTarzanmovieson TV.Alwaystheyhelpprepare dinnerandparticipateinthe clean-upafterward.Typicalafter- dinnertimefindsCliffsittingcross-leggedonthekitchenfloor withDebbieandBeckyplaying Jacks(hecan'tgetpastfoursies).I amreclininginabeanbagchairwithLydia,teasingandlaughing andjustbeingtogether.Onthis dayweareafamilyforafew hours-forafew
hours.
Theendresultofthesemo- mentsofsharinghasbeena deepeningoftherelationship betweenthegirlsandmyself.We arereallyinprocessofdiscovering eachotheraspersons.Thismakes thetimeelementevenmore difficulttocopewith.Lydiahas commentedtwicerecentlythat Saturdayistheshortestdayofall. Wetrytocompensateforthisby visitingonthetelephoneseveral timesaweek.Butthestarkfact remainsthatourtimetogether weeklymaybemeasuredinterms ofminutesandhours. Beingagayparentinthis contexthasbroughtananguishof thespiritwhichIwouldnothave believedpossible.Forthefirst timeIfindmyselftrulyonthe sidelinesofmychildrens'lives- hearingsecondhand,beingshut out,missingthejoysandcrisesof dailylife.EarlyinMay,Lydia developedadangerouslyhigh feverandwasrushedtothe hospitalemergencyroom.Iacci- dentlyheardaboutthisjusta shorttimeafteritoccurred andIhurriedovertothehospital myself.AsIstoodgazingdownat Lydia'sface,flushedandpinched withtheintenseheatfromwithin, thefullweightofbeingseparated frommychildrensettledonme.
l
TGC:3
Withthisissue,
TheGayChristian
reappears-nowfrom itsneweditorialhomeinHart-ford,Connecticut.Andnowan officialpublicationoftheDe- partmentofPublicationsoftheUniversalFellowshipofMetro- politanCommunityChurches. TGCisajournalofreligious reflectionforGayChristians.We hopetostimulatediscussionand inquiryonmattersthatmakeadifferenceforyouandme.Some issues,likethisone,willbe potpourrisofreflectionsoutofthelivesandthoughtsofChrist- iansfacingtheimplicationsofGaylife.Otherissueswillbedevoted tosingletopics.Suchforums,we trust,willsatisfythebroad theologicalspectrumrepresented byourreadership-notby avoidingissuesorfearingcontro- versy-butbyofferingabalance of
differing,significant
state-ments.TGCwillbefair.And exciting.TCGhopesalsotoserveasa soundingboardforthetheological explorationconductedbytheCommissiononFaith,Fellowship andOrder.FFOwillbereporting regularlyinthesepages. Weinviteyourcontributions. Articleswillbeselectedfor publicationonthebasisof quality:crediblescholarship, adequatedocumentation,readable style,andrelevancetothecon- cernsofGayChristians.An issuedevotedtothecharismatic movementwithinUFMCCisinpreparation:weparticularlysolicit articlesonthatsubject. Withoutapology,weassert ourpublicationisamostimpor-tantone.Weare,perforce,pio-neers.Ouruniquecallsummonsus tothecuttingedge.Thejourney ofthePeopleofGodleadsusto wherewehaveneverbeenbefore, andwecannotbepermittedto backseat.Wemustleadtheway. That,Iamsure,requiresthebest imaginationwe'vegot.Itmust engagealloursensibilities.Be- causetheSpirithasnotceasedto speakinthechurch. Weinviteyoutolisten,and reflect,withTGG.
VoI.V,No.1
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March
1976
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THEGAYCHRISTIANisthetheologicaljournaloftheUniversalFellowshipof MetropolitanCommunityChurches.Individualarticlesreflectthethoughtsand opinionsoftheauthors,anddonotnecessarilyrepresentthedoctrinalpositionor officialpolicyoftheUFMCC. Materialinthismagazineisoriginalunlessotherwisecredited.PleasecreditTHE GAYCHRISTIANwhenreproducingorquotingfromus. Theappearanceofanynameinthismagazinedoesnotindicatethesexual/ affectionalpreferenceoftheperson. F.JayDeacon,editorandlayout Editorialaddress:POBox
514,
Hartford,CT
06101
Subscriptionandadvertisingaddress:POBox
36277,
LosAngeles,CA
90036
ThistimeIwashere,butwhat aboutnexttime?Whataboutthe cutfingers,thehurtfeelings? Whataboutthehappyadventures Iwouldbemissing,orwouldhear aboutasanafterthought?What aboutBeckywithhernightmares whichbroughthertomefor
March
1976/
INUNITYIS
of 00

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