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Jokes from Philipp Lehmann

Jokes from Philipp Lehmann

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Published by Philipp Lehmann
read these funny jokes. Just fun!
read these funny jokes. Just fun!

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Published by: Philipp Lehmann on Mar 09, 2009
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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12/04/2010

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1. Joke
There are four wheels and eight men on a fire engine.Four and eight makes 12.There are 12 inches in a ruler.Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.Ships sail in the sea.The sea has fish.Fish have fins.The Finns are always fighting the Russians.Russians are known as "red".Fire engines are always rushin', and that's why they're red.
2. Joke
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medicalrecords, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of theinvestigation called a nearby pizza parlour with delivery service to order a quick dinner for hiscolleagues.The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because theywere taping all conversations at the hospital.Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We havethem locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance todeliver the pizzas.Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
 
Agent: I have my check book right here.Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring thepizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doorslocked.Pizza Man: I don't think so.
3. Joke
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:Officer: May I see your driver's licenseDriver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glovebox when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns thiscar and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached thedriver to handle the tense situation.Captain: Sir, can I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is.It was valid.Captain: Who's car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
 
Driver:No problem.Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn'thave a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was adead body in the trunk.Driver:Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
4. Joke
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said "Why did you put up sucha fight?"To which the man promptly replied "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in myshoe!"
5. Joke
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with himthere for a week or two.One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to getanything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderfultime, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female.The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. Themale bear reached him and swallowed him whole.Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get thelocal sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area withthe lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend.Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female."What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!""Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech wasin the male?"
6. Joke

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