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A Suggestion to Improve AMERICAN IDOL

A Suggestion to Improve AMERICAN IDOL

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Published by W.B. Keckler
This is my suggestion on how they might improve AMERICAN IDOL, and spare us all much MISERY! Enjoy!
This is my suggestion on how they might improve AMERICAN IDOL, and spare us all much MISERY! Enjoy!

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Published by: W.B. Keckler on Mar 09, 2009
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08/09/2010

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I have followed most past seasons of <i>American Idol</i>, and am watching thecurrent one and for the most part enjoying it.But the new judging rules seem couterintuitive and the new season is, it must beadmitted, almost boring in comparison to previous seasons.Ratings are down, I read. This doesn't surprise me.I wanted to put a suggestion in the <i>American Idol</i> SUGGESTIONS box.I know there's no such thing, but pretend it exists!One of the most tiresome things is the way the judges repeat themselves in theirpithy summations of their assessments of <i>Idol</i> performances.We not only know what the judges are going to say in most cases, but with whatwords they are going to say it!Their verbiage is now approximately ninety percent standby cliche, seven percentfiller and three percent original thought.I got to thinking on this, and I realized what we need are an <i>American Idol</i>version of IATA codes.I used to work at DHL Worldwide Express back in the days before they swallowedAirborne and so many other competititors, and I helped them build their EvilEmpire here in America.We used IATA codes to route all our domestic and international packages.I used to know most of them by heart, but no longer. And sometimes they changeover time.What, you may ask, are IATA codes?I'll let Wikipedia explain: "An IATA airport code, also known an IATA locationidentifier, IATA station code or simply a location identifier[1], is a three-letter code designating many airports around the world, defined by theInternational Air Transport Association (IATA). The characters prominentlydisplayed on baggage tags attached at airport check-in desks are an example of away these codes are used."For example, Dublin Airport is DUB. That one's easy enough. But they can't beduplicated so you have some odd ones for others. For example, Dubuque Airportcan't have DUB also, so it is DBQ for Dubuque Regional Airport.Here are my suggestions for some IATA codes that <i>American Idol</i> judges mightuse to let us know where exactly <i>they are going</i> with their criticism, andsave us the misery of that boilerplate verbiage they favor so much.Judges could press the appropriate buttons to cue these criticism codes whichcould show on a console in front of their judging desk, or possibly in some publicpart of the stage. Of course, this could unnerve any singer who chose to look atit, so the wisest thing to do would be for singers to ignore this while they sing,unless the show felt the additional pressure would be "interesting" and "funny."Judges could press one or several buttons to give a multipartite criticalassessment.
 
And again we would hear less of their annoying voices.Okay, ready? How about we suggest the following codes to the show.SHK = "You sound like some sort of horrible karaoke singer" (one of Simon'sfavorite slams.)DKD = "I don't know, Dawg" (Randie would probably use this one to death.)TWG = "That wasn't good."ABB= "That was basically your 'average bar band' performance."YAB= "You are a beautiful human being." (Paula would probably push this buttonfor every performance.)ALP= "A little pitchy." All the judges overruse this phrase.WTF= "What the f*&^ was THAT!?"HNL = "You have nice legs." (Many girls get told this by the apparently sex-starved Mr. Cowell.)SUR= "Shut up, Ryan" (This would of course be for emcee Ryan. Simon tells himoften enough and this could save him the breath and us the annoyance.)TGH = "I think you're going home after the vote, because of that terribleperformance."YWF= "You were flat." (Self-explanatory.)SWY = "I want to have sex with you." (All of the judges are nicer to people whoscrew up who are people they want to have sex with. Whether it's Paula, Randie,Simon or the new Cruella DeVille girl, it's always very obvious.)BAN = "The best we've seen all night." (All the judges tell several differentpeople that on most nights. They're all Mr. and Mrs. Short Term Memory.)YAW = "You are a wannabe." (You're no Idol.)RTR= "You just raised the roof, (Dawg or Baby Girl!)YSB = "You sound like a Broadway singer" (We hate Broadway singers.)RCA = "You remind me of Clay Aiken." (Simon might as well have a Clay Aikenbutton because every other singer reminds him of Clay. I think there's a technicalword for that? Oh that's right: LATENT HOMOSEXUALITY!)DER = "I didn't even remember you are on the show." You are "utterly forgettable."YTU= "You're too ugly to be the American Idol." See, the judges could hide behinda button and say this with less fear. They wouldn't have to mince their words orwalk on glass with phrases like "I'm worried about your image" or "You don't looklike a star at all."YDF= "You dress funny." (When a contestant looks like an eighties reject or a
 
motley clown, which is quite often surprisingly!)JNR= "You're just not ready yet." (Wait in line with 100,000 people again nextyear in the rain and you might do better.)YNF = "You're no Freddy (Mercury)." (Used for anyone foolish enought to take on aclassic song by Queen.)FIS = "You just fu*&#$ up an iconic song." (What the fu*K were you thinking doingthat classic. You don't have the pipes!)IWT = "It wasn't terrible." (It wasn't good either and you're probably history.)IPM = "I was so bored with your performance I played with myself under the judges'table."TWM= "Too weird even for me." (This one would be only for Paula.)NBP= "That was not your best performance."YGB= "You're getting better each week."YGW= "You're getting worse each week."YNC = "You're no Celine Dion." (For women foolish enough to take on a Celine Dionsong.)CBR= "That was so good it could be a recording just as you sang it now. We couldrelease it and it would sell well."WTT = "My God! You are worse (or weirder) than Tatiana (del Toro)."HHF= "I hope you had fun up there singing!" (Because now you're so obviously goinghome.)YAS= "You are a special and wonderful human being." (You just know only Paula willget any use out of this button and hers will be worn down to a nub in no time.)TWT= "Now, that's what I'm talking about!" (Very good, dawg or baby girl.)YHG= "You have a wonderful and special gift." (Again, Paula will wear this buttonout.)YTG= "You're too gay to be the American Idol." (They will say the contestant lacks"an identifiable image" or "conviction" or "personality.")OOK = "Oops, you were out of key a lot!"NPE = "That song was not nearly pop enough. In fact, it wasn't even a pop song."YSO= "You sing old." (You try to be all grown up and we want you to be bubble gumpop. Be chipper and chirpier and more chipmunk-like in your vocal stylings.)STB = "That song was too big for you."SCO = "Sing country only or we will talk shit about you." (We are already marketniching you. We own your soul.)

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