Time For AREAL LeftAlternative
By Buzzard T. Clutch
They could be anywhereThe current crisis in the SWP has shown us all that the left simply cantgo on like this. The left has a long history of engaging in debate aboutgender and sexual politics; from the days of the suffragettes through totoday, the workers movement has often failed to engage with women.The SWP crisis has shown how poor handling on the part of the partycan leave members feeling isolated. But the real fact of the matter isthis: the SWP has left a gaping hole in the left. And some fucker's got to fill it.To be sure, we
use this as a moment for introspection into theparty form, and the way in which gendered violence seems to permeatethe very fabric of our daily interactions, in order to build better organizations. But who would organize the conferences? Who wouldsend out the internal bulletins? Who would phone up to arrange buses?Who would co-opt the broad front groups? Who, comrades,
would sell the papers?
You see the scale of the problem. The SWP crisis has left a seriousweak-point in our organizing. The bourgeois press are quick topronounce Marxism dead. Yet hundreds of members have been cutloose and forced to leave the party; without a place to go , they mightfall out of leftist politics altogether and spend their weekends, I dunno,having fun or some shit. We must not let this happen. As such, I urge and encourage you to attend the upcoming
in Stroud, for 5 days of solid hectoring on the future of classpolitics. It is absolutely vital that we seize this opportunity with bothtalons [hands? -ed.]. We have nothing to lose but our membership fees.We have a small corner of the British extraparliamentary left to win.
CREEPING AUTONOMISTS STILL AT LARGE
AUTONOMISTS were 'still at large' according to top dialecticians in a pressstatement made today. The so-called 'leftists' have been a danger ever since they first emerged from their underground pasta caverns in 1977,however in recent years, due to underhanded tactics by their proponentslike not treating everyone else on the left like human fucking garbage allthe time, autonomist ideas have gained a foothold amongst bourgeoisgroups like students, and those who sell their labour for a living. Autonomism can be contracted by reading autonomist books, attendingevents, and talking to a broad range of leftists with differing politicalviewpoints. Symptoms include elements of independent thought,occasional fumbled attempts at pronouncing Italian surnames, headaches,and weightlifting. Watch out for discussions about 'affective labour', abourgeois deviation, and feminism.Do not, under any circumstances, approach an autonomist.
OpinionOther NewsCorgan Joins UKIP
Billy Corgan, lead singer of theSmashing Pumpkins, has joinedUKIP. When angered by being toldthat, as a non-UK citizen, he wasnteligible to vote, Corgan told thepress “in spite of my rage I'm stillbacking Nigel Farage”.
Labour Party AnnouncesDrive To the East, annexesBelgium
The Party Formerly known asLabour today unveiled its newslogan, to complete indifference.“One people, one party, one nation”was met with stony silence byeveryone. The Shadow Cabinetthen announced that it had raised avolunteer army of councillors andannexed Belgium. A yougov pollrevealed 99% of voters “couldntgive less of a shit” as theopposition retreated further intobackground noise. One voter,when asked what he made of thechanges, said “Labour? I'd always just assumed they were...” beforelosing track of his sentence andgoing back to dealing with ahangnail. A press statement by theLRC said “while the decision by theparty to endorse a policy of violentannexation and ethnic cleansingbased on the superiority of Britishblood and soil is disturbing, wewould be foolish to overlook theLabour Party's strong tradition of close work with trade unions andworking class organizations”.Maurice Glasman, the intellectualarchitect of 'Blue Labour' was notavailable for comment, because hewas “busy w*nking like a chimp”according to his agent.