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Subject: Are you a queen?
1.If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
2.
If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer,then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.3.If you're over thirty and thinner than you were in high school, then, Miss Thing, you're aQueen.4.If you know all the lyrics to any musical besides Jesus Christ Superstar, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.5.If your Christmas decorations include dried roses or baby's breath, then, Miss Thing, you're aQueen.6.If you know the difference between a "soundtrack" and an "original cast album," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.7.If you tape Martha Stewart Living religiously, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.8.If the only professional sports you watch on TV are gymnastics, diving, and figure skatingthen, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.9.If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
10.
If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
11.
If you have more ties than teeth, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.12.If you know how to spell Barbra's first name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.13.If you've never felt the need to use Barbra's last name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.14.If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you're aQueen.15.If you've ever watched the Miss America pageant and said "Where did she get that dress!",then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.16.If it took you a while to realize that International Male was a catalog, then, Miss Thing, you'rea Queen.17.If you've ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony Awards, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.
18.
If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you're aQueen.
19.
If your video collection contains "All About Eve," "The Women," or "Mommie Dearest," then,Miss Thing, you're a Queen.20.If you've ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching thecheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
 
21.If you receive a floral arrangement and can name more than three flowers, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.22.If you've ever used the phrase "floral arrangement," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.23.If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.24.If you know where to find tulle really cheap, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.25.If you can tie a bow tie on someone else, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.26.If you know whether Chita or Rita did the film version of West Side Story, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.27.If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.28.If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.29.If you have "dress" sneakers, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.30.If you own more than two throw pillows, and they didn't come with the couch, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.31.If you've ever seriously considered purchasing a divan, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.32.If you chose your socks this morning to bring out your eyes, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.33.If you use a Crate and Barrel bag as a lunch box, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.34.If the only reason you learned how to use the record function on your VCR was because it wasmale-strippers day on Donahue, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.35.If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.36.If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
37.
If you own any article of clothing with the logo "2(x)ist," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
38.
If you still mourn the premature demise of Conran's, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.39.If you've ever bought a Barbie doll for your niece's birthday, but her party comes and goesand she never actually opens up a Barbie doll for a present, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.40.If you've ever walked down the street, had a dozen beautiful men say hello to you, and notbeen able to recall a single face or name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
41.
If you own a pair of kneepads yet play no organized sport, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
42.
If you've ever uttered the phrases "Get her!", "She's a mess," or "What's her problem?" then,Miss Thing, you're a Queen.43.If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.44.If you've ever needed a massage because you'd overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.
 
45.If you've ever even for a second wondered what size butt plug you’d take, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.46.If you simply hate the color lavender because it makes you look sallow, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.
47.
If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in theemergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.
48.
If you know for sure that Richard Gere isn't gay because you know a guy who slept withGere's brother, who is gay and who swears that Richard isn’t, then, Miss Thing, you're aQueen.49.If someone says "How 'bout them Bulls?" and all you can think of are petite picadors in tightpants, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.50.If you see a sign for IKEA, Pottery Barn, or Hold Everything and your palms start to sweat,then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.51.If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.52.If your pairs of shoes outnumber days of the week, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.53.If your underwear drawer is filled with nothing but Calvin Klein, in assorted styles and colors,then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.54.If you save the packaging materials from said Calvin Klein purchases, then, Miss Thing, you'rea Queen.55.If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.
56.
If you've ever, while walking down the street, executed an impromptu series of Grande jettes,then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
57.
If you still can't get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage AuxFolles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony’s, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.58.If you've ever gone to a Mel Gibson movie, merely in the hope that he will repeat his butt-bearing performance in Lethal Weapon, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.59.If you've ever felt guilty at being attracted to someone as homophobic as Mel Gibson, then,Miss Thing, you're a Queen.60.If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chonghave in common, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
61.
If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo's David, then, Miss Thing,you're a Queen.62.If you've ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you're aQueen.
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