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BECAUSE I’M A GUY…
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannotbe expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the samethings. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which"feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.When one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidencethat this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to putit back together.I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone.Why would you listen to a complete stranger? How the heck could he know where we'regoing? There is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex orfootball, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her whenshe calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother'sday is OK, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my Mom,too? You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the remote hasbeen misplaced, I'llmiss a whole show looking for it. Though, one time I was able to survive by holding acalculator.When I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore yoursuggestions that wecall a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if Iknow what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I usedto be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, Iwouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.When I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie inbed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on. Then yes, Ihave to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Timeand Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visitshis grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes agowas fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair isfine. You look fine. Can we just go now? This is, after all, the 90's, so I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, thecooking, the cleaning, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
 
"Real Men" Quiz Note: All "real
Men" answer "C" to all of these questions.Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding menand enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are thefirst human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they presentyou with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curingall disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger andpoverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over theentire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss themost?
A. Innocence.B. Idealism.C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only reallysportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to havehim killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.B. A dog.C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive andintelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sundayafternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game;she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tellsyou that she thinks shereallyloves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowingwhere your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you wantto get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of futuretogether. What do you say?
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