This one's hilarious.

1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will becomea pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE:

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at theurinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompaniedby a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar tothe hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car& speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledgeit. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to thefarter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No onelikes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Makinga joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

(Used in conjunction with escapee): Whenforcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If thisshould happen do not panic, remain in the stall untileveryone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone theawkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instantthe nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop iswhisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces theamount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OFSHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to thedoor after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be avery uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and bustsyou. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smelldoes not exist. Can be avoided with the use of as COURTESYFLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

A colleague who poops atwork and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of theCloset Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

magazine under their arm. Always look around the office forthe Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering thebathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):

This is a groupof coworkers who band together to ensure emergencypooping goes off without incident. This group can help you tomonitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERSand identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN:

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in thebuilding where you can least expect visitors. Try floors thatare predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce theodds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

A pooper who does not realize that you'rein the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of themost shocking and vulnerable moments that occur whentaking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall untilthe TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid alluncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have known tocause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you topinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough which alerts all new entrantsinto the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used tocover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURDBURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with anASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert allpotential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If youhear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so thepooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: