ONE LINERS
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-GeorgeCarlin
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the onlytime of the month that I can bemyself.
-Roseanne
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to mewas,'You'llnever find anyone like me again. I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"
-Larry Miller
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"
-DeltaBurke
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this lookthat says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
-DaveBarry
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if Iever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
-Bill Cosby
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehiclemaintenance.
-Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. Theydon't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has todo is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? Theysay those uniforms make you look fat."
-Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will chooseyour rest home.
-Phyllis Diller
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills throughyour TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "Thecheck's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but Icouldn't find the remote."
-Jay Leno
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to startall over again.
-Joan Rivers
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Are you a celebrity? OR do you have potency to become a celebrity? All Celebrities have some special virtues - do you have those? http://tinyurl.com/R-U-A-Celebrity
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