Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00 am: Dog food! My favorite thing!9:30 am: A car ride! My favorite thing!9:40 am: A walk in the park! My favorite thing!10:30 am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!12:00 pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!1:00 pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!3:00 pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!5:00 pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!7:00 pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!8:00 pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! Heavenly!11:00 pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little danglingobjects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or somesort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, Inevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing thatkeeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once againvomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at theirfeet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrateswhat I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about whata "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of theiraccomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinementwas due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it tomy advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of mytormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkiesand snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and seemsto be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be aninformant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that hereports my every move. The captives have arranged protective custody for him in anelevated cell, so he is safe....... for now.............
New Dog Crossbreeds
Collie + Lhasa Apso:
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow:
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter:
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso:
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel:
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever:
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound:
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog:
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador:
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer:
Moot Point
Collie + Malamute:
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier:
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end!"
Cat Commandments
Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as if thou are transparent.Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy humans' genital regions.Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at thy first opportunity.Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
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Animal Jokes
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| Upload Date: | 03/13/2009 |
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