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Maz Jobrani- A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ….pdf

Maz Jobrani- A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar ….pdf

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Published by: zuchaga on Mar 29, 2013
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05/14/2014

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It is an adventure. The Middle East has been an adventure the past couple years. The Middle East is going crazywith the Arab Springand revolution andall this. Are there any Lebanese here tonight? Any Lebanese by applause? (Applause) Lebanese. Yeah. TheMiddleEast is going crazy. You know the Middle East is going crazy whenLebanon is the most peaceful place in the region. (Laughter)(Applause) Who would have thought? Oh my gosh.No. There's serious issues in the region. Some people don't want to talk about them. I'm here to talk about them tonight. Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East, here's a serious issue. Whenwe seeeach other, when we say hello,how many kisses are we going to do?Every country is different and it's confusing, okay? In Lebanon, they do three. In Egypt, they do two. I was in Lebanon, I got used to three.I went to Egypt. I went to say hello to this one Egyptian guy, I went,one, two. I went for three. He wasn't into it. (Laughter) I told him, Isaid, "No, no, no, I was just in Lebanon."He goes, "Idon't care where you were. You just stay where you are, please. Just stay where youare." I went to Saudi Arabia. In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two, and then they stay on the same side -- three, four, five, six,seven, eight,nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.(Laughter) Next time you see  a Saudi, look closely. They're just a little bit tilted."Abdul, are you okay?" "Yeah, I was saying hello for half an hour. I'm going to be all right."Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose. Why is that?Are you tootired to goall the way around?"Habibi, it's so hot. Just comehere for a second. Say hello. Hello,Habibi. Just don't move. Just stay there please. I need to rest."Every country ̶ Iranians, sometimes wedo two, sometimes we dothree. A friend of mine explained to me, before the'79 revolution, itwas two. After the revolution, three. So with Iranians, you cantellwhose side the person is on based on the number of kissesthey give you. Yeah, if you go one, two, three -- "I can'tbelieve yousupport this regime with your three kisses."But no, guys, really, it is exciting to be here, and like I said, you guys are doing a lot culturally, you know, and it's amazing, and it helps
 
change the image ofthe Middle East in the West. Like a lot ofAmericans don't know a lot about us, about the Middle East. I'mIranian and American. I'm there. I know, I've traveled here. There'sso much, we laugh, right? Peopledon't know we laugh. When I did theAxis of Evil comedy tour, it came out on Comedy Central, I wentonline to see what people were saying about it. I ended up on aconservative website. One guy wrote another guy. He said, "I neverknew these people laughed." Think aboutit. You never see uslaughing in American film or television, right?Maybelike an evil-- like, "Wuhahaha, wuhahaha. (Laughter) I will kill you in the name of Allah,wuhahahahaha." But never like, "haha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."We like to laugh. We like to celebrate life. And I wish more Americans would travel here. I alwaysencourage my friends: Travel, see theMiddle East, there's so much to see,so many good people. And it'svice versa, and it helps stop problems of misunderstanding andstereotypes from happening.For example, I don't know if you heard about this, a little while ago in the U.S. there was a Muslim family walking down the aisle of anairplane talking about the safest place to sit on the plane. Somepassengers overheard them,somehow misconstrued that asterrorist talk, got them kicked off theplane. It was a family, a mother, father, child, walking down the aisle, talking about the seating. Nowas a Middle Eastern male, I know there's certain things I'm notsupposed to say on an airplane in the U.S., right? I'm not supposedto be, like, walking down the aisle, and be like, "Hi, Jack." Youknow, that's not cool. Even if I'm there with my friend named Jack, I say,"Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack." Never "Hi, Jack." (Laughter) Butnow apparently we can't eventalk about the safest place to sit on an airplane.So myadvice to all my Middle Eastern friends and Muslim friendsand anyone who looks Middle Eastern or Muslim, so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos, everyone, if you're brown -- here's my advice to my brown friends. The next time you're on an airplane inthe U.S.,just  speak yourmother tongue. That way no one knows what you're saying. Life goeson.Granted, some mother tongues might sound a

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