PAST (Stacey and Nate) Our backs lay flat on a blue blanket over the green grass of Central

Park. The sun was high, the sky a cloudless blue and people were swarming. I see group of friends hunched with laughter, kids with their fathers playing catch while the balls are skyrocketing through the air. The heat was biting our skin, oddly funny how it neither hurt nor sting- just a testimony of no rain and a promise of a perfect day. I squinted looking up at the sky and slowly turned my head towards my right side seeing him half-asleep, his fedora hat covering and mounting over his face. I slowly removed them, stared at him for a few seconds and slid my finger on the top of his nose leaving silent traces of my touch. I kissed it gently and he opened his eyes, unearthing an aquamarine blue. The sun didnt upset him because he turned his head towards me and looked at me straight in the eyes. He looked so beautiful even in an effortless manner. Then he smiled a far away smile Ive been yearning, something I can only find in a place where I could not reach. And he appeared slowly fading- fading and slipping into a thin smoke I have no ability to catch nor hold. And then hes gone like he did. ~ PRESENT (Stacey) I woke up. My phone rang noisily waking myself up to my feet. My thoughts were still floating in the realm between sleep and dream only realizing that it wasnt my phone that had awoken me but the alarm clock on my bedside table. I tapped it groggily and the sound abruptly stopped. Its 6 AM. I sat still for a while to get rid of th e dizziness that was pulling me back to my sheets. I had felt a lot better as soon as I decided to finally stand up. I must have been dreaming about him again, I said to myself. I was doing my best not to, but like waves it kept coming back. Its been a year, I kept reminding myself about it. Its been a year, how hard can I forget? I walked slowly to my kitchen and reached for an egg at the fridge. I pulled a frying pan, poured some oil and fried the egg that I lazily cracked out of my hands. I ate it as soon as I was done cooking. I had decided to take a warm, comforting bath just before heading to the first day of my internship here in New York. Everything seems to be going well- the redesigned apartment my parents had laid out, the internship. Except for one dream that reminded me of something I should badly forget. I pulled off a blue button-down shirt, black skin-tight jeans and a pair of black boots as I heaved my brunette waves into a tight ballerina bun. Working for an internship at a fashion magazine for the summer can be tough- dressing up had to be done, its just that I am not definite if I have dressed for the appropriate workplace anyhow. I grabbed my brown messenger bag, checked at it a few times in case I have forgotten something else and looked at another glance of our photograph positioned in the cork board. Our photo. And bid at it goodbye as if its alive. I left. ~ PAST (Stacey and Nate) Beautiful. I breathed at him as I was looking at his eyes. We were still lying down, but we had faced each other. You are. He said as he touched my face, overpowering the sunlight that had covered it. I never was, said by something or someone at the back of my head. But he always insists and I was always there to believe it. He pulled his camera and took

pictures of me as I was trying to cover my face, however he kept on taking shots as if every move I make had to be kept in a filmstrip. He stopped and looked at me. Lets talk about us. He said, smiling as he came in closer. We always talk about us. I replied, running my hands through his chestnut-brown hair. Ill never get tired. He said as he pulled off his crooked smile bringing me to melt. Okay, whats it about? College. Then what about it? Narrowing my eyes to the subject I never want to talk about. We know youll be here in New York- in Brown and- I broke in. Youll be in Stanford, in California. Well be miles and miles away. And before you know it youll meet plenty o f other girls, youll have the time of your life, and soon enough youll forget phone calls and e-mails and late-night conversations because were trying our best to make it work. Sssh. He interrupted, looking down on me. I cant promise you anything, but I never disappointed you with my promises, right? He said as he held my hands tight now, like holding it tight for his mother. But he was right, he never did. He was very raw, mature, a man, I was impressed looking back on his actions. But I smiled now, feeling a little relieved. Thats enough. Lets enjoy this summer. Are we clear? I explained, parting his reasons with my finger on his lips. And he sighed, lighting up and said, Yes maam. Youll never lose me, Stace. I promise you. I know I wont. He smiled. Weve had enough of Central Park and soon as the sun had started to set we left for Burger Joint. It is only then that I have realized we were starving, seeing Nate gobble his cheeseburger up had to be some proof. I fiddled his good ol camera and took it as a sweet revenge to take his pictures and thankfully he didnt mind at all. He always brought this camera wherever we go, no matter how old it looks like, the film inside of it is his precious cargo. We left after we decided that we were full enough to stay at the diner even longer, and took a cab down to the apartment my parents had spent for me. Nate hailed a cab for us and we hopped in immediately. Theres nothing like the cab in New York. Everything felt like I was in one of those movies I was fond of watching, but the driver looked more than bothered to cut off my fascination with New York taxi cabs. He looked pale, dizzy and unsure of where we were going. His opaque yellowish eyes were making me nervous as I looked at it in the rearview mirror. I tried to look at Nate and distract myself as I was holding his hands tight, weve had a good day, not one cab driver can scare me now. The engine bustled the streets and I felt a little sleepy as it roared our way to the apartment. I rested my head on Nates shoulder and our breathing synchronized to each others delight. Yet the cab has been getting faster than usual and I checked a glance from the driver, nothing seems to change from the first time I set my eyes on him. Nate was asleep a truck was bellowing on his far side. The timing was fast that in a split second, a truck had jackknifed our taxi cab before my very eyes. And the next thing I know, everything was dark.

PAST (Stacey) The lights were intensely bright that I thought it could blind me the longer I can dare to stare at it. I narrowed my eyes for a second and my sight became clearer as I itched it even more. I stared at the ceiling and realized that I was staying in a hospital bed. My body couldnt move, my head was burning from ache, my wounds throbbing from being so fresh. I tried to recall what had happened, but a police came to talk to me instead. Hi miss. Im police officer Johnny Smith. Im sorry to bother you miss. He was wearing his NYPD uniform, hi mustache covering his upper lip. He looked old, just the same age as my dad. He looked at me with remorse, as if he had done this himself. I did not reply only because I didnt feel like it and apparently, it was alright with him that I was not talking bac k at all. Youre Stacey Kelly and you were with a certain Nate Fadden. You were in a car accident earlier this 7 PM due to drunk driving and drugs- the driver that had taken both of you miss. The driver was not in a good condition to avoid the cab from being jackknifed with the truck. I was trying to reach for the police officer but I couldnt. I cant bring to ask any quest ions, nor answer any of them. I felt numb, more lifeless than Ive ever been. Your parents are arriving in a moment, they took the next flight from California to New York. And Faddens parents too. Nate, where is he? He mustve been in a separate room, being dab bed with alcohol or being wrapped in bandages, or probably hes fast asleep trying to get his strength back. Now I had the guts to ask Johnny Smith. W-where is Nate? I stuttered, almost appearing as a sigh or a breath. But he could hear it as we were the only ones in the room. Nate Fadden. Hmmm. He smiled a sad, deadening smile. Hes my boyfriend, he was with me in the cab. Yes, yes. But itd be better if you rest for a while, youll need it. He slightly turned back, moving into a direction as i f ignoring my question. No, where is he? Can I see him? Please? I begged, almost reaching for his hand. He stayed, convinced that I needed an answer. Miss. I am sorry to tell you such a bad news but Nate - he is dead. He blurted it out with so much respect I felt a lot more sorry for him than I do. I cant believe this is happening; were the only words left I could say. I couldnt cry, maybe becau se the tears were hurting too much to let it all out. His ribs cracked plunging into his heart as he enfolded you during the crash. I stared at him saying these words. My eyes were smouldering with emptiness, my hands were shaking that I didnt even have the energy to hold the sheets. He must have cared- rather loved you a lot, miss for such a terrible thing to happen, risking everything for you in the last minute. He wasnt helping, but it was okay for him to say those words, at least I still know Im alive. Although I felt noth ing but death on the inside. Meanwhile, he pulled a brown messenger bag from the chair that was sitting right next to my bed. He looked at it gently for a while and then started handing it to me.

I believe these are yours, miss. These were the only things left that we have found. It was my bag, they looked dirty and cramped, like it was mirroring all the hurt that had in me. But I knew there was something missing- Nates camera. Where had it go? It meant a lot to both of us, especially when that was the only thing left of him. How could I even lose it? B-but there was a camera here, it was Nates. Where is it? I complained, wondering where it had been all this time. As far as I could remember there was no camera, only that bag of yours. Im sorry, but if we do find something well let you know. He put his hands behind his back and sta rted walking his way to the door. He left the room and shut the door lightly as if it would wake me up. I was alone now and I couldnt make up my thoughts. Nate could not have been dead. How is that even possible? We were in New York for a summer vacation before he leaves for Stanford. We were us, now I was just here; unable to move nor bring back of what had happened. All the more did I feel useless, wronged. I felt nothing at all. I tried to sleep but when I finally do, I wake up minutes after I had closed my eyes. Time and time again I felt cold, tired, sad, anything worse a person could feel. Time and time again Id open my eyes and Id catch a sight of my parents that had already arrived, asleep and tired more than I do. After weeks of lying insensible in a hospital bed, we went to town for Nates funeral. I still could not bring myself to feel that hes in a coffin now and not beside me. My tears had ran out but they were clogged up inside. There was not a day that I did not blame myself because I know I was the reason why he is gone and no amount of counsel or its okay are going to help me recover. And I never look forward to the day that I ever will. Days, weeks, a month had gone by but all this time it felt stagnant, like the world around me didnt move- like my world didnt move when others already have. People were doing fine, the town was still my homeward bound, friends were busy, everything was okay except the girl with a dead boyfriend. There was one time I stared at myself in the mirror- everything was not the same. There were deep black circles under my eyes, my shoulders became frail that bones have been undeniably obvious and my skin got paler that blue veins are showing up in my arms. I always stayed home, crouched in the living room staring into space, I hadnt talked to my friends in a while. I ate little amounts of food and went straight into my room to either sleep or not at all. My parents were worried, but later on theyd understand. It was hard for me, it was never easy having to face death in such a terrible way. Nates parents checked on me sometimes, hoping theyd get back Nate when they get to see me but they dont. Weeks after when my parents thought I am finally doing well, they had decided to help me move in to my apartment in New York and get ready for college. But am I even ready, when I am not even whole because there is this heaving, jagged edges of a broken and dysfunctional chest? But I had realized that I was only fooling myself that leaving urgently would help me make everything forget when its not. ~ PAST (Nick) I was walking the streets when a camera rolled off at my feet. I immediately picked it up and looked around me if anyone else owns it but seeing from it, there seems to be none. I found people busy, talking about a terrible car accident that had happened across from me- a big truck had jackknifed a taxi cab. Reckless drivers must have been irresponsible enough to kill its passengers. I laughed at myself, looking at the lives lost for one stupid driver. Heard theres one dead and only on e person had survived. He must be lucky. But I tried to get my mind off of it knowing that I am no use. I checked the camera, luckily I myself am a fan of cameras. Im a photographer and going to college here in New York will be a great excuse for

me to exercise it well. Today I am fortunate to have an old camera coming at my feet. I dont care about being guilty for finders keepers, once it reaches out to you, you have got to go and grab it. I bought some Bagels and headed to my apartment a walk away from the store. I went home as soon as I was done purchasing it and I plopped down the couch sighing, finding myself checking the camera out over and over again. I wondered who owns it and if this valuable memorabilia is even important to its owner or not, either way its mine now, no one can track me down anyway. Its a Canon TX with a black body and silver, platinum edges. Its quite pretty for a vintage camera. I opened it delicately and I saw that a film is still on the inside. I pulled it and put it closer to the fluorescent light to look at the shots that had been taken. But still it wasnt enough, I had to get these developed so I walked my way to my little darkroom. The red bulbs have been installed and the developing tank is spotless. I loaded the film into the spool and pre-soaked it the next. Its a tiring process given the fact that I do not have enough skills to do it. Then I poured the developing chemical into the tank, and waited for it for about 10 minutes. I held the film gently under a flow of water, removed anything tainted and hung it dry as soon as I was done. When it became dry I laid it out on a photographic paper and magically, the images were starting to appear. I couldnt believe how successfully Id done it. I see images of the Central Park on a sunny day, shots of hands in front of the lenses, people around, shots of food in a basket, burgers- a guy eating his burger in a diner, blue eyes, a guy lying over a blue blanket, and a girl. A girl with long brunette waves and full-fringe wavy bangs. She looked beautiful, but she doesnt seem to know how beautiful she is. Her eyes were soft to look at- they were hazel in color that you cannot bring yourself to look away or even stop looking at it for a second. There were shots of her laughing trying to cover her face, images of her lying flat while her eyes stared above looking at the clouds. She was wearing a navy blue dress and her red nails were making her skin pale and her cheeks a blushing shade of pink. She looked very happy, but frightened all at the same time as if this was the last happy thing she could ever experience. But she was so beautiful I might ask her out if I could ever see her in person. But how can you even find a girl out of a camera? Out of a picture? I smiled at myself knowing how impossible that could be. ~ PRESENT (Stacey) The interview with Anna Wintour- Editor in Chief of Vogue, went well although half of it seemed no easy task. Its hard to impress someone as big as her in the fashion industry, but I gave her all Ive got to make her think I deserve to be here for the summer. But she was far opposite from those bosses in fashion magazines described in books or movies. She was just determined, excellent in what she truly does and easy to grow into. I think she doesnt want to bring people down and thats what makes her a great creator of her own art. The office was total chaos, but not in a dirty manner. The office is still tidy in its design and decorating sense but the people made it disordered. People were moving around here and there, carrying racks of dresses to another room, papers and portfolios, errands and more errands everywhere. I had to face it, I chose it anyway and theres no turning back. The entire day, the truest sense of an intern is to run errands. Theres no glamorous spot light for any intern but to do what the higher people have told you, and I sort of did that the entire day. I was so busy I was quite thankful for it, and I have met interns too, some of them too upkeep, some just nippy as I am, but it was all exhilarating. Exhilarating was just I needed. I was also advised to wear heels the next day, fashion really is a big thing no matter how low and unpaid the position you have, you have got to follow what they tell you.

I went home at 8pm and everything went back to what it was. Silent, lonely and blank. My pale blue-colored apartment just whispered how alone I am in the city, no matter how much the city lights have shouted how happy they are. I ate dinner, called my parents to tell them how my internship went for the d ay, took a bath and put myself into bed. I wasnt sleeping yet, I was still awake and thinking. I was still looking back on what had happened the last summer. How it all went wrong and implausible. How in a blink of an eye, people you love will leave. Ive also thought about Nates camera and who, Johnny Smith had never reported to be returned to me. He mustnt have found it or he hadnt actually cared if I needed it. But I needed it- I needed a connection, if only a person could have found it and give it back to me. Id be happy. I looked back how nothing changed a bit from me. I never fully recovered, the ache is still unbearable, taxi cabs became a phobia to me, I have avoided going to Central Park on my own, I minimally listened to music that are upbeat. I was still in pain. And Im terrified of how long I had to suffer to get out of this grief. I had fallen asleep, tired of thinking too much but my despair. I closed my eyes, hoping no bad dreams would ever visit me tonight. ~ PRESENT (Nick) Everybody in the campus went to their own hometowns but me. I chose to stay, therefore Im still in New York for the summer. Id rather stay here than live with my mother and my workaholic stepfather in Tennessee. I could even find some money-making shoots here if Id work double time, my portfolio has been approved by my professor anyway. I was up early to meet with Jacob in his art studio to pick up my tripod that Id left the other night. I went out of my apartment, walked leisurely to Jacobs. The sun was starting to swell up in the sky that the longer you walk, you start to perspire. I walked slowly grabbing my phone in my pocket, I couldnt seem to reach it that I stopped walking and stumbled a girl. She looked very familiar, like I had seen her somewhere. She was in a hurry that my apology hadnt reached her ear as she left. I think I know her from somewhere, like Id kept her in my mind for a long time that I had already trouble recallin g. But I erased her from my memory seeing that its no use trying to remember. I reached Jacobs perplexed by my literal confusion. My forehead was creased and my eyebrows met, Jacob almost laughed at the appearance I had. Man, did the sun hit you or something? He teased, almost bursting out of laughter. Dude, theres this girl... I replied, still puzzled. Oh youve had many of those. He said, trying to avoid my story. He handed my tripod still packed in the bag. No, no, like Ive known her somewhere I just couldnt put my finger around it. Like you remember any of them. Jacob laughed. No, Im serious here man. I said, almost pushing a punch down his stomach. Oh, maybe she was the girl in that picture you found in a camera way back. What is she like, coming to life? He teased again. And then it occurred to me- long brunette waves with full-fringe wavy bangs. Hazel eyes, pale but blushing skin. Damn, it was her. That was her.

Oh no, she is. That was her man! That was her! I exclaimed, scratching my head a few times. Are you sure? He asked, doubting my ability to remember. Certain. I answered, smiling at myself as the thought gradually disappeared. ~ PRESENT (Stacey) I dont know if stumbling into a person first thing in the morning will do good the entire day because I am not doing any better. Errands are still rising, like the people higher than us arent treating us well. I thought bullying has no place for professionalism. Later that day, Anna Wintour had called everyone for a big meeting. Usually, interns arent included, given the fact that we are not regulars, just some sort of people who applied for some experience for a little time. But it came off different. Everyone was cramped inside the bright, white boardroom that chairs were filled by anyone else and even people standing up had used the glass windows to lean into. I stood beside my newfound friend Cassandra, who seemed more excited about it than anyone else in the room. Her enthusiasm showed a little bit of her trying to catch Annas attention, but in the end she failed. Anna was standing center among everybody which looked like she was the only one who had used the free space in the room. She coughed, a motion to consider that everybody should fall silent for her to finally start talking. It is at times like these that everyone of us in the workplace a re called for something very important. By that I mean a special project for the interns. She rolled her eyes, looking towards us. Everyone is here, including the entire senior staff to help out what you can share most in their project. She darted an almost wicked smile, but it almost looked like a support. An intern shall be obliged to create a mini-magazine with his or her own inspiration. If you think being an intern here is more than doing others errands, then think again. I will give you two or th ree weeks to finish it. Just a 10-15 page of it and show us everything that youve got. I dont want clichs, I dont want anything that we have already done. Give us something new, out of the box, something that is deserving to be a part of the team once you get out of college. And the chosen mini-magazine will be featured in the next issue. This is your biggest project yet so everyone must work hard. Are we clear? This was not what I was expecting to happen. Not all of us. If I can actually work this thing out, I have an assurance spot to work here in the future. This is more than a school prerequisite, this is it. This is a responsibility, a handful of power must be given off. Okay, out of the boardroom everyone. Now. She adjourned as she put her glas ses back on and studied portfolios. I see all of us interns are starting to distance ourselves from each other, not anyone has done this before, although I might have worked in a school magazine this thing is still far more different. This can be a form of a competition, and the future is our prize. On the brighter side, this might be the distraction I have always needed. ***

After work I had Chinese food ordered. I ate it all up while slouched in the couch with my notebook trying to get some ideas. But ideas always seem the hardest to come up when you have little inspiration. Tomorrows a Sunday, which means I have all the time I need to roam around New York looking for some. I just need to find a photographer who is both a layout editor to help me manoeuvre this thing. If only layouting is as easy as writing though. I was so tired I landed to my bed without thinking about anything other than the project. Baby steps, just baby steps, my heart said in rhythm. *** I woke up a little late than usual, knowing that I can have the entire Sunday to myself. I dressed comfortably with an airy white loose t-shirt, blue skin-tight jeans, black ballet flats and let my waves hung loose. I brought with me my trusty bag and notebook and started wandering about the streets of New York. The sun was up, just like it always did at this season, just like how it burned bright the last time we were together. I wiped away the thought of Nate immediately, thinking how motivated I am to get out of this shit no matter how much he still mattered to me, but reality will always be there and I had no strength to fight it. All that seems to greet me in my arrival are shops. Designer shops aligned everywhere, and there is no possible way that I can do the mini-magazine more fashionable than it is. Im starting to think of the concept of how Vogue can tell stories in the eyes of fashion. From the ragged streets downtown to the more tasteful uptown part of Manhattan. I want people- simple, real people gracing the pages of the magazine. That was quite an idea, I thought to myself. Strolling around this way can really do wonders. A smile had painted across my lips. *** I stopped at street food trucks to buy myself some lunch and later on, had proceeded to take Circle Line Sightseeing Cruise. That way I can have the entire New York in front of my very own eyes. Once the boat has roared to swim the island of Manhattan, I felt a little light-headed. The air was breezy and warm just like how it complemented the sun. The tour guide started to babble things I did not even listen. I was staring into the sea that I had only realized we reached the bridge when its shadow had landed upon us. It was the greatest thing, feeling this small can still feel good. I looked around looking at all the uninterested people who are pretend-listening to the tour guide. I know they werent feeling it, they just want to look at everything by themselves and not one person has to talk about it. I spotted a guy across where many of us are sitting. He was walking with a camera and tripod in hand. He looked like he ought to find something he can be productive about. He was wearing a gray v-neck t-shirt and a carrot red trousers. His hair brown and tousled with the wind. He seems very attractive, but I tried to ignore it in any way. Now he kept looking from left to right, his eyes creased from the sun. He stopped, stood left across me. People were starting to either transfer to another seat far from where we were or walking around the cruise to sight see, which meant in the latter that I was left alone in my seat. It was a good thing that the sun wasnt firing up towards my direction, the shadows from tall skyscrapers had covered me now. The guy with the camera started to take pictures around, everywhere interesting for him to see. My instincts told me that he seemed to look like a photographer, and that I badly needed one. This is probably the perfect time for me to talk him into a deal for my mini-magazine. I looked around, my heart thumping inside of me and without any second thought, started walking towards him.

~ PRESENT (Nick) I just had to take a picture. Nothing seems to make me feel a lot better than to take out my camera and capture something out of these lenses. Im a dork I have to admit. I took the cruise to get views from anywhere in New York and it was undeniably a beautiful day. The sun, the wind, the people, theres nothing more you can ask for. I positioned my camera to the buildings, to the bridge, to random people sitting in the cruise and to a girl coming closer to me. Her long brunette waves are flickering through the sunlight, loose enough to get carried by the wind. Her loose t-shirt hugged her body when it fought the air, her skin pale even whiter as it hit the sun. Then again she looked familiar, like she was something I had seen before. But there were many girls in my life how could I recall one girl walking towards me. Im not that sure if shes coming closer but in the back of my head she seems to, I tried to take no notice of it so I came back into taking some shots. I slouched when I approached the lenses of my camera when someone had touched my shoulder with its finger, trying to catch my attention. I stopped for a while turning off my camera and when I had looked into this time, it was the girl. I knew at the back of my head I was right. Her hair, her skin, her hazel brown eyes, I have realized it was the girl I have developed from a camera I found a summer ago. Oh just look at the chances you get. I am a lucky man. Hi. She greeted me shyly, her hands placed at her back. Uh, hi there. I replied, the moment even more awkward. Im sorry to bother you but, are you a photographer? She asked politely her soft voice paired perfectly with her soft smile. Still a student but yes, I am. Why? I smiled a little bit just to get the tension off. Oh uhm, Im an intern for Vogue magazine, we have this heavy task for a mini-magazine individually and Ive been on a hunt for a photographer. But I barely know some and I see you with that camera. She explained pointing her finger on my camera, her smile growing more confident. I was staring at her blankly but I crossed my fingers hoping I dont freak her out in any of this conversation. Oh yes, uhm maybe we should talk about it with coffee some time, you know. Okay, when? Her eyes intent. Before I could even say anything, the boat had landed. Maybe it was time for coffee. ~ PRESENT (Stacey) We decided to go at Red Flame- a coffee shop near where the cruise had landed. I havent hung out with a guy since Nates passing; particularly an unnamed one. I guess I was not good at introducing myself at all. Im so sorry I hadnt told you my name. Im Stacey. Stacey Kelly. I sort of laughed at my own disgrace. No its okay, Im Nick McKibben. He responded in a very sensible way, quite impeccable for a young man my age. O r so I think. He shook my hand. I realized he was tall enough that when we talk to each other he slightly looks down on me.

We had coffee as agreed and we sat there for a while like professional people making transactions for a business deal. So whats this all about again? A mini-magazine right? He asked, still very interested. Yes. We kind of have to make it our own or something and the prize is bigger than we thought. I said, grabbing my cup of coffee. What is the big prize anyway? A slot after college and get that mini-magazine featured for the next issue. Wow, it really is massive. Now whats your plan about this whole thing? He asked. I was thinking about making it real. No skinny models posing with skimpy, expensive clothes. Just normal people- normal New Yorkers walking around everyday. I think they have a voice to say and a story to tell like have their own fashion statements charm the mini-magazine. I explained the concept I had in mind and he nodded every time I say every single word. Okay okay, I think I can do that. The ideas you have are great, really. He smiled, excited enough to get this thing started . Oh one more thing, do you layout any of these? I asked for reassurance. Yes, definitely. I can do both. And laughed a sigh kind of laugh, and it was on that same day that I hadnt forced myself to smile. ~ PRESENT (Nick) If I had all the chances in the world, Id look at her everyday of my life. And by that I mean Im not kidding. A girl like h er comes rarely and from seeing her in that film, in that picture I had laid out, the odds are improbable but she came here herself. We were still together after coffee when I offered myself to walk her home. I can sense shes cautious, like she doesnt want to be seen with any other guy other than her boyfriend. But I insisted and she finally gave in. She looked scarred. Scarred but beautiful and her eyes hurting, but lovely to look at. And the way she had told me all her ideas for this mini-magazine shes working on, her words slip right through me like all of the letters and syllables make sense. I havent had one serious girlfriend when I know attachments arent my thing, all those girls have come by my life like rainfall and I had my umbrella to catch them, but when the sun was up they were gone- I was gone. But Stacey, she seemed different. I had the guts to ask her questions. So Stacey, tell me about yourself. I stated cheerfully. She looked at me and she looked down shyly afterwards. Shes such a fragile girl. Uh I go to Brown. English Major. I love writing. Quite sentimental. She was covering herself from opening up too much but she smiled. Wow, a writer. Striking. Looks like someones going to make the next great American novel or be the next Vogue editor in chief. I joked around and I could see her laugh a bit. Nice predictions. I hope so. She stared at me, laughing for a few seconds and lightly kicked my side with her elbow.

At the back of my mind I remember my father saying a piece of dating advice when we were playing catch one summer in Minnesota as a kid. My parents were horribly fighting that day but he never regret having my mom around. Women are complicated son, but there is one girl out there who will complicate you with her smile or the kind of laugh she gives off on your first date. And the rest is history. This might not be an official first date, but Stacey left me wondering and Im up for all the questions Im dying to ask her.

---------------------(Stacey) I spend almost every day of my summer with Nick McKibben. Finishing portfolios, running around random people to interview and take their pictures. Even if work is done at the end of the day, we still have time to catch up. But Im trying everything to make it as professionally friendly as possible, nothing else. I have no plan of meeting someone who would put Nate in the closet and keep him behind there like nothing ever happened. However things distract me and Nick is much of a big distraction. Despite my obscurity, Nick always brings some light. He never misses a funny punch line or a strangely intelligent conversation. His ideas always seem brilliant bringing something new to the table. My awkwardness doesnt scare him, which is quite funny. He is so effervescently unguarded- not caring about anything or anyone. He is at all times different, interesting. We were almost done with the mini-magazine I have yet to pass the next two days. One Tuesday evening we went to his apartment to look at all the pictures he had taken for me to ensure everything out. Once he laid out everything, I was in so much admiration of all the photographs that I were seeing. When approved he is all ready to layout each pages and the work will be finished in no time. But I am in so much approval of all the photos my thank-yous were endless. I worked on the words and we brainstormed as to where this certain image should be put. And before we know it, we had it all done by midnight. The cover was defined by a title The PEOPLE of Vogue and different images of all certain people of New York arrayed the glossy sheet. I scanned its pages again and again and it turned out exactly the way I wanted it. Vulnerable, strong and real. This is so amazing Nick! Thank you! Thank you, for everything. I thanked him with a huge, genuine smile on my face. Nah not a problem. We worked together Stace, you should be more proud of yourself. And for a moment our laughter subsided into an awkward, deep silence. I realized we were sitting in the couch, close enough for our elbows to touch. Our breathing ragged, tensed, his body leaning closer to mine. His forehead touching into my own and in that moment he kissed my lips. Soft, guarded with respect, but still with a light touch of tension. I didnt da re stop but I still thought of Nate that even when hes long gone, he still had the right to be my boyfriend and it was my obligation not to have any relationship with anyone. So I let go with the kiss even when I know it meant something more than that. I breathed a heavy sigh, exalting. Oh god no. I said, worried that I put my hands on my head. Stace Im sorry okay? Im so sorry this had to happen. Im sorry, lets just pretend this thing didnt happen at all. He said, even more sorry of what we did.

No no no, its fine its just that. What whats wrong? He asked and caved me into his chest. Tears started welling up my eyes and instantly I cried. He hugged me even tighter. But when he was pulling me in I saw a familiar camera I have been longing to see located in the countertop of his kitchen. Like its been there for years and no amount of effort has been there to bring it back to someone who had it. False accusations are not my thing but I am certain it was Nates camera. It was. How could he. I fought t o the current of his embrace and let him go. Stace, whats happening? I dont understand. He raised his arms, still confused. Where did you get that camera? I asked doubtfully, sniffing the tears I had accumulated. No no no no Stace I can explain everything. His hands on his head now. It was mine- Nates Nick. Where did you get it? Ive been looking for it my whole life since - He broke in. Since when? What? His voice raising with curiosity. Since the accident that happened a year ago! I almost died in a crash but my boyfriend saved me inside that cab! I shouted, crying. What no Im sorry Stacey, Im sorry. Sorry? Ive lived a terrible life after that Nick, that camera couldve been my refuge. It was hard for me - to open up to you, and now what, kissing you? Oh god I was so stupid! I said angrily my eyes full of tears. I hadnt known Stace! How could I find you in a sea of people walking around the streets of New York? But Stace He came closer holding, pulling my hand towards him, Stace it came to me- you came to me and it meant something you know. I pushed him distancing myself. This is too much. Im going home. I walked away, crying so hard I had to run towards the door and shut it with a bang. ---------------------(Nick) Ive done a terrible mistake not telling her before the damage has been done. If I had known what I know now, there mustve been room for us both- chances, possibilities for us together, but I cannot just take it back. She has been through a lot I cannot take away the pain, but I want to. So badly I want to erase all the scars pulsating her for an agonizing year. I sat on the couch, still not moving from a sudden fiasco that have happened just a few moments ago. That was why this beautiful Stacey Kelly has been cautious and caged with her grief. That was why she tried to let go of the kiss. That was why one late dinner shed go home immediately not letting me ask her more questions. She was tragically way over her head that the pain has caused her to lock the gates and keep herself inside there. That no matter how much she tried to put herself out there, her blanket and sheets with tears are still pulling her back. But Nate was dead. He mustve been a great guy loving a delicate girl. He mustve loved her so much tha t even I have no room to give Stacey the love I want to give. I stood walking around the room here and there, grabbed my phone to call Stacey. She wasnt answering any of my calls, leaving me an option to leave thousands of messages on voice mail.

Stace. I said softly. Stace Im sorry. Im sorry I hadnt told you first. Im sorry about Nate. Im sorry about everything. Call me back when youre ready okay? And I have so much faith in your magazine I think itll win. I paused for a while and with all the courage I had, finally said, Stace I love you. And ended the brutal seconds of one -way phone conversation. ____________ (Stacey) My eyes were still puffy from crying the entire night. How could everything happen so fast? I thought to myself. I grabbed my phone and watched as voice mails from Nick had been flooding the spaces of the screen. I listened to everything and still, I could not dare see him. I imagined Nate sleeping beside me in the rare cold summer morning that was 5 am. His hair ruffled, his eyes looking straight at me, sleepless from watching over me every night. But like the last summer, he looked fading. This time a lot faster, a thin air carried away by the wind. And before he finally disappeared, he had kissed my forehead long enough that the air was forced to drag him out. Was I ready to let him go? I bet he let me go a long time before. I bet he want me to live the life I wanted. I bet he never wanted me to stop loving just because hes gone. Just because hes gone I stopped living, but he was so full of life he never wanted me to was every single bit of it. Then Nick came into mind. I was wrong enough to blame him into everything. He hadnt known me before this big revelation happened. He was not interfering, he was probably there to heal. All these messed up, threaded scar issues I have in me. He was there to bandage everything up and I was insensitive of me not to let him. I still didnt want to call him back even when I have so much words left to say. (Saturday) I did it. My mini-magazine was chosen to be featured for the next issue and a sparkling, glittering spot on Vogue after graduation. Anna said I was something different- I had made something different and she thanked me for that. I deserved it, she said. But I deserve it even more when my team- who was Nick was there to celebrate it with me. So I mustered up the courage to call him and tell him wed meet for coffee. Gladly, he was there to pick up. I was waiting at the coffee shop when he arrived. His eyes tired but all of him still looked put-together. He came into me with a smile. Stace I thought youd never want to see me again. He said, with remorse in his face and in his voice. Nick I was chosen. The mini-magazine worked out. I said, not sounding too excited, just happy. Wow Stace you should give yourself credit for that. All your ideas, your heart all of it you put everything into it. I know Nick and youve been a big part of it all. I was just so stubborn to be mad at you like that. No I deserve it. For not telling you. But Im serious Stace, I really, really, really like you. If you could just give me a chance - I broke into his confession. It was a fine summer day when Nate and I were here in New York. He went with me - helping me get settled for college and all. He mattered to me for 4 years and one accident took him away from me. Nick I was never the same ever again after his death, my wounds werent healing, my pain was always pounding reminding me I should never ever love again. Im sorry. Tears started falling into my face.

I understand Stace but that doesnt mean you shouldnt love somebody else. Im sure Nate wants you to live again you know. Let me help you, let me love you Stace. His voice so justified and convincing. I know and I am so thankful for that. I like you too Nick, so much I cant bring myself to feel anything else. Good then lets give it a shot, just one shot for forever. But I was doubtful. No no no, I dont want you to die Nick! Who says somebodys going to die Stacey? Stop being so passive about everything! Im alive and Ill make every second count with you. With you! He argued now. Okay, okay. Lets just give each other some space. Okay Nick? Give me some room to sink these all in. Please. I begged, my voice pleading. Okay, you need that. We need that. Just so you know, Ive been so prepared to love you. He put his hand on mine and I saw as he started walking away, leaving me alone in the table. ________________ THEREAFTER (Nick) It was a long wait, but all who wait this passionately always gets something worth it. Stacey was worth it. She was whole, she found herself and I was there to catch it. We finished college and I wasnt the same guy crawling up for a 7 - minute relationship with women. I was with one, and I wont ever let go. Staceys now working as a feature editor for Vogue and I myself have a legit photography job. Everybodys booking and the business has turned out more than what I expected. Were planning to get married as soon as we get settled down. Iv e seen Nate- his grave as we visited Staceys hometown last Thanksgiving. I asked for some assent as I have adored the woman that we both fully accepted and loved. Even when I cannot see him nor havent met him in the past, all I know is that were on the same page in making Stacey happy. Years ago I am different from what I am now. And from what I have learned, unless you love someone this much you will never be the same again. You just become the better person you wished yourself to see. I never know I could love or even find the one woman I have hovered over a light in a film summers ago. The camera that rolled off at my feet, the photographs I have developed, she was there testifying that even when unavoidable things happen, love is there to heal all the scars of treachery. We planned to eat lunch together at a diner. While waiting for a few more minutes she had finally arrived- that tall girl with long brunette waves hanging loose on her shoulders. She waved her right hand, her smile genuinely generous, her hazel eyes gleaming. Her look hadnt changed a bit from the first time I set eyes on her photographs. Still beautiful not knowing how much beauty she has. And even when shes creased and old, Ill still look at her, look after her everyday of my life.