Shooting Stars & Threesomes

By Jaime Z. Cruz

Jaime Cruz culturedanimal@hotmail.com www.jaimecruz.net

Shooting Stars & Threesomes

By Jaime Cruz

CAST OF CHARACTERS JAMES Customer Service Representative (26) MOLLY . His wife (25) DANA The temptress in the payroll department (27) STEVE Teenage Projectionist from Wyoming (16) MR. BOSS MAN .. The bumbling office authority (flexible).

SETTING An office building and a living room/kitchen, all in Jamess non-sequential memories. TIME Shouldnt exist. NOTE The transitions from scene to scene are all part of Jamess expressionistic thought-process. There should be no set changes, to better maintain the pace of a continuous stream of consciousness.

Shooting Stars & Threesomes

AT RISE: A song like Eels Trouble With Dreams opens the show. A man in his living room, maneuvers among piles of papers. He hums along to the music he hears as he sits to fill out work orders. JAMES In summer of my twenty-sixth year on this planet, I caught a shooting star in the corner of my eye. Beautiful, as it sped beyond my reach into the clusters of heaven upstairs. I was walking inside, when I whispered my wish in my head. And I took the time to lie to myself and thought: Maybe in the end, Ill smile again. Molly enters. MOLLY Hey. Dont you have customer service work to do? Im going to call in. You shouldnt do that. Why not? JAMES MOLLY JAMES

MOLLY Because Im pregnant, and the income you make will benefit your future family James wakes up, at the office. Mr. Boss Man approaches him as James speaks. JAMES And thats when I woke up. I slept through work. My three-hour shift at work. While I was supposed to be working. MR. BOSS MAN James, I need to speak to you in my office. But I have work to do. JAMES

2 MR. BOSS MAN Youre sleeping your three-hour shift away. My office, NOW. Mr. Boss Man moves to the opposite side of the stage and sits at his desk. James follows and sits before him. I think hes mad at me. JAMES

MR. BOSS MAN James. Listen to me. Youre a fuck up. Why do you say that? JAMES

MR. BOSS MAN Because youre a success only in your head, you manipulate everyone around you and youre a horny bastard The desk in front of him becomes Jamess own desk as Mr. Boss Man exits. James is resting his head against the surface, asleep. He wakes suddenly. JAMES And thats when I awake from the real dream. Apparently I was having one of those dreams within dreams that tend to really fuck with your mind. Dana, from payroll, was still there. Working late on a Friday What are you still doing here? DANA

JAMES Work was so exhilarating today I got carried away I suppose. Really? No. I fell asleep. Oh. DANA JAMES DANA

JAMES Shit, this place is deserted. What time is it? Eight. P.M.? DANA JAMES

3 DANA JAMES DANA JAMES DANA JAMES

On a Friday evening, yes. What are you still doing here? Cant a girl work overtime? Not for a blood-sucking corporation. I was on the phone. With a client?

DANA For the last two and half hours I chatted with a sixteen year old boy. Youre full of it. Nope. This kids in love with me. Excuse me? JAMES DANA JAMES

DANA Hes in love with me. He called once to make an order and we hit it off. JAMES Dana. I know its a Friday: but are you sick in the head? No. DANA

JAMES The kid is sixteen and how old are you? Twenty Seven. DANA

JAMES Twenty-seven. Youre pulling my chain. DANA So he works at this movie theater in Wyoming. Ever heard of it? It is a state. JAMES

4 DANA Whatever. So he works as a projectionist in this shit town and just a few weeks ago he was put in charge of ordering some popcorn bags and paper cups from, yours truly! JAMES And let me guess, he sounded older than he really was? DANA No, he actually sounds quite like a sixteen year old. Fresh and, face full of acne. What a winner. JAMES

DANA But see, it got interesting when he kept calling back. That first time I gave him my extension, of course. JAMES Youre in payroll, youre not even supposed to take orders. DANA Hey, I started out taking orders on the main floor, so the first time he called I said, what the hell? But hes sixteen. JAMES

DANA I know that! Its just, were both looking for the same things in a relationship and he Dana? JAMES

DANA I know long distance is difficult James, Ive thought about it, you know JAMES You mean to tell me, Ive been parading myself in front of you for four years and the first sixteen year old who calls you to make a purchase, beats me to the punch? Say it a little louder would you? Maybe I will, Jesus! I wasnt being serious. DANA JAMES DANA

JAMES Oh what does it matter, were the only ones in the building!

5 DANA This is why we would never have worked out. Youre too impatient. JAMES Why do you say that? Will you be calling my number sometime soon, or must I wait in line for another year and a half? DANA Im not sure Steve would appreciate you talking to me like that. Whos Steve? My, friend. The sixteen year old? Oh fuck him. JAMES DANA JAMES

DANA Theres more to this. Whats wrong James? JAMES My work crush is a sex offender. Is there not enough wrongdoing in that? Whats a work crush? Its what you are, Dana. Excuse me? DANA JAMES DANA

JAMES You are my crush at work. My crush outside of work, even DANA But I thought, I thought we were just messing around. As friends, you know? JAMES Right. Of course. Besides, we wouldnt work out anyway. Youre in love with a sixteen year old. DANA Im not taking this kid seriously. And neither should you. What are you saying? JAMES

DANA Dont get me wrong. I think youre a great guy, you know. Its just, Im still a little weirded out by what you and Mollyproposed to me

6 JAMES

That wasnt my idea.

DANA Why wouldnt it be? Here you are confessing your affections for me and you say it has nothing to do with that big question you two asked me? JAMES I didnt ask. Well, I did, I just, she wanted me to ask you Molly appears from the other side of the stage as Dana disappears from memory. Molly clutches to her broom and sways about: Ask what? What we talked about? Last night? I dont want to talk about that. Why not? Because it was private, James. MOLLY JAMES MOLLY JAMES MOLLY

JAMES But you said nothings private between us. Thats why we did this. Confessions hurt, you know. I had mine too. MOLLY I know you did. I dont want to talk about it right now. JAMES Why not? You were doing it just fine last night. That was last night. Im better now. MOLLY

JAMES Does that mean you want me to go ahead and ask? Ask what? What you told me to ask. MOLLY JAMES

7 MOLLY

NO! No no no

JAMES An entire night of dialogue spent on this solution and you wont do it now that I ask you? I came to my senses! MOLLY

JAMES How do you expect to overcome your curiosities then? Your mind needs an answer, Molly. And so do I MOLLY Do you know how hard that was for me? I have an idea. JAMES

MOLLY No you dont. Because right now, all that matters to you is a fucking threesome! Thats not true. Molly JAMES She leaves. The phone rings on the desk and he answers, sitting on the office chair. JAMES Paper Warehouse, this is James, how may I help you today? Steve appears from the shadows upstage left. Phone in one hand and clipboard on the other. I need to talk to Dana Flake. STEVE

JAMES Danas currently out of the office, is there anything I can help you with today? STEVE No, shes my sales rep. When does she get back? JAMES I have no idea, sir. Im sorry, are you a sir? Yes I am. Isnt it obvious? STEVE

8 JAMES Sorry, bad reception usually gets in the way sir, so most of the time we just have to guess Ill call back. STEVE Steve hangs up and pouts off. James giggles at himself as Mr. Boss Man comes his way with a handful of papers. JAMES Oh man(to the boss) You should have heard this last guy. Must have been having a hell of a day MR. BOSS MAN Right. May I speak with you over here, por favor? Sure. JAMES Mr. Boss Man hands him the paper stack. James, whats all this? MR. BOSS MAN

JAMES E-mails I sent Dana. A months worth it looks like: Thats a hefty stack right there. MR. BOSS MAN Hefty or not, my concern is the fact youve been doing this at all and the material in these emails is certainly not work appropriate. JAMES Whats wrong with them, do I have typos in there? MR. BOSS MAN Joke websites. The time you spend collecting this crap, is time you could be spending helping our clients, James. Right. The clients. JAMES

MR. BOSS MAN Consider this your warning. If next time comes around, Ill start the checkmarks, comprende? JAMES Yes sir. Wont happen again. I absolutely comprende. Hate to start collecting those checkmarks The Boss Man heads out and in his place enters Dana, filling in another incident.

9 DANA They did go over the checkmark system with you, right? Yes they did, thanks Dana. JAMES

DANA Good. Now let me get you a packet with benefit information. Be right back JAMES That was my first day on the job. Training Day. But not like the Denzel movie. No. She was a killer though. Steve comes in and sits on James desk chair. I know how that goes. STEVE

JAMES Im sure you do. You kids are much easily scarred romantically. You build tolerance with age. Trust me. STEVE Thats what Im hoping. This heartbreak shit sucks. Even if it is over the phone. JAMES Yeah. Especially from Dana. Man, if you would have only met her like I did. For the first time on my training day. Shit that was, four years ago. She still looks incredible. As if she has a glow all over. Shes the kind of woman that makes me wish upon shooting stars. STEVE Have you wished upon a shooting star? JAMES Not lately. Last time I tried it, everything went to hell. STEVE Sorry to hear that man. Dont worry, youll bounce back, you got experience. JAMES Im ten years older than you. I dont know shit. Steve fades as Dana re-enters. She watches as James maneuvers under the chair clumsily. What are you doing down there? DANA

10 JAMES Oh, this office chair was giving me a hard time, I was trying to find the knob to shift it a little DANA Yeah those things are ridiculous. Let me show you a little secret though. Let me in there Dana bends over in front of him. DANA (CONTD) See, what you have to do is jerk it a little bit like so The chair jiggles as she uses force DANA (CONTD) And then, it will suddenly give. Easy as that. JAMES Great. Thanks for that. Now I can take my power nap. Youre one of those. DANA

JAMES No, dont get me wrong. Im a hard worker. Im sure. You should be. Sure. Thanks again. DANA JAMES

DANA No prob. James. Theres your packet. Let me know if you have any questions and, welcome. She exits and his eyes follow. Molly enters in her night attire. JAMES But no. Back then I didnt have a crush on her. MOLLY Youre just saying that to help your argument. Its settled then. JAMES

MOLLY No it isnt. Please tell me what makes her a candidate?

11 JAMES Shes a co-worker of mine. Ive known her for a while and so have you. I feel shes someone whos trustworthy. MOLLY I dont know her as well as you claim to. JAMES But you know her. Thats a start. Now first question, weve been living here for four years, how many friends do we have? A handful. MOLLY

JAMES Wrong. We have a handful of acquaintances. The closest thing we have to a friend is without a doubt MOLLY Dana. Okay Will you promise me something? What? JAMES

MOLLY Promise me youre not planning this just to be closer to her. JAMES Ive said it twenty times tonight and Ill say it again: It was just a work crush. The crush was four years ago. Im doing this for you. You alone. Im going to bed. They kiss. As he continues, Mr. Boss Man enters and creates his office around the desk. JAMES (CONTD) I wanted to say it, right then and there: No. I am a liar. I am lying to you. I am a horrible awful human being, for even thinking about thisFor one, shes my coworker and two: SHES MY CO-WORKER! And I know thats unacceptable, sir. Completely and absolutely MR. BOSS MAN James. I understand this is a very sensitive subject for you, and for that reason Im going to get to the point: My concern is the fact you divulged this information to Dana during a company event Yes and listen I was JAMES

MR. BOSS MAN Totally drunk, I know. Blame the alcohol. Yet I also know if you would have been in a sober state, you wouldnt have said anything of the kind, correct?

12 JAMES

Yes sir. Of course.

MR. BOSS MAN Good. But I must say, I understand completely. You do? JAMES

MR. BOSS MAN Certainly. Just between us guys and these walls: Not only am I your boss, but Im also your fellow man. And I can tell you this, Dana is a very attractive woman. JAMES Wow, thats great you feel that way as well, sir. MR. BOSS MAN Why do you think I hired her? Smokin hot. Oh. JAMES

MR. BOSS MAN Listen. All I can say is, this little office of mine is your safe zone. But beyond those doors, you watch what you say to any woman in the building, especially Dana. For if you happen to ask Dana for a threesome again, there will be hell to pay for both of us. Comprende? Yes sir. Do you always sweat that much? JAMES MR. BOSS MAN

JAMES Oh this? Just tension sweat is all. Nothing much. Thank you very much, por favor James is sweating bullets, he moves opposite the desk and finds his living room once more. Molly is in night attire again and she sees James come in. Drunk. MOLLY James? Are you okay? Whereve you been? I was at the office get-together, hon. Why are you so sweaty? I ran here. JAMES MOLLY JAMES

13 MOLLY JAMES

Wheres the car? The cars fine

MOLLY Its two in the morning, you said it was going to go until nine, Whereve you been? JAMES We all went to the bar afterwards, thats all. Why didnt you call? I was drunk. I forgot. I was so worried Molly, I fucked up. What are you talking about? Dana was at the bar. Oh my God, you didnt?! I told her we had a plan A Plan?! The plan, you know? MOLLY JAMES MOLLY JAMES MOLLY JAMES MOLLY JAMES MOLLY JAMES

MOLLY Yes I know the fucking plan! Why did you do that?! I dont know, she was there! Youre a bad person, James. I fucked up, Molly. It just came out JAMES MOLLY JAMES

14 She slaps him. MOLLY JUST CAME OUT?! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!! I GIVE YOU MY SECRET AND YOU FUCKING USE IT TO HUMILIATE ME YOU SICK PIECE OF SHIT!!! I didnt mean to, I WAS DRUNK!! JAMES Molly runs offstage and James falls onto the floor. Dana walks past him, briskly as if to avoid him. He notices her. JAMES (CONTD) Dana, hey could I talk to you for a sec? DANA Im actually expecting a phone call in my office right now. Really quick, quickly Fine, quickly then. JAMES DANA She helms the desk and he sits before it. JAMES Okay look, what I said two weeks ago DANA I spoke with the Boss and he said you two already talked about your behavior, James. JAMES Yes we did, but what I want to say is I know youre sorry. DANA Pause. DANA James, how long have we known each other? A while. JAMES

DANA In all the while Ive known you, youve been nothing but respectful to me. What you said two weeks ago, was okay. Maybe you were too drunk to remember, but I wasnt the one making a big deal out of it.

15 JAMES The phone rings and she picks up. Steve fills the opposite end of the stage with phone and clipboard in hand. Paper Warehouse, this is Dana? Dana. Its Steve. DANA STEVE

Im really quite embarrassed

DANA Hello Mr. Steve, hows the box office treating you? Actually really poor, this weekend STEVE

DANA Listen Im wrapping something up, you mind if I put you on hold for just a sec? Go ahead, babe. Okay, thanks STEVE DANA She sets the phone down. I better let you go. JAMES

DANA Sure okay. But we are clear on this, right? JAMES Yes. My young marriage is not dysfunctional and it wont happen again, Dana. Thanks. As she picks up the phone once more DANA Too bad. For a moment there you had my hopes up. Dana escapes the memory and James stumbles out. Finds his workspace where Dana was a moment ago. Steve enters, clipboard in hand, looking lost. Meanders to find his way around the office.

16 JAMES STEVE JAMES STEVE JAMES STEVE

Can I help you sir? Wheres Dana? Shes gone. Oh. Who are you? Im Steve. Steve from Wyoming?

JAMES Ah, Steve from Wyoming. What can the Paper Warehouse do for you? STEVE For starters you can find Dana for me. JAMES Fraid I cant do that, company policy does not allow personal information to go out to our clients STEVE But thats what Im here for, goddammit! Sorry to hear that. JAMES

STEVE Do you know how long I drove to get here?! Huh?! Arent you sixteen? Yes. You can drive at sixteen? JAMES STEVE JAMES

STEVE Yes you can! I drove thirteen hours, got lost for two of those and now that I come to this place shes not here? This is bullshit! She said shed be here! Why wouldnt she be here?! GODDAMMIT WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?! Steve sits.

17 STEVE (CONTD) This is bullshit, you know? I told her how I felt and she said she totally understood. She fucking played me. JAMES You know, everyone has to come back to work on Monday. She may be back then. Doubtful, but she may. Who are you? STEVE

JAMES Just a Customer Service Representative. Oh. But its a Sunday. Is it? What are you doing here? STEVE JAMES STEVE

JAMES I dont know. Needed a place to think. Yeah, I think I need a place too Well its not here. Find your own. STEVE JAMES

STEVE Dude, Im already in here and its cold out. Im not going anywhere. Howd you get in here anyway? JAMES Steve reveals a key from his pocket and holds it out. Pause. She sent you a key? What? JAMES (CONTD) STEVE

JAMES Dont they teach you anything in middle school? About strangers and how you need to NOT do the things youre doing? Im in high school. STEVE

18 JAMES STEVE JAMES

But she sent you fucking key! That was the agreement. You need to get out of here.

STEVE No, I drove here to get some. Im not leaving. You didnt just say that. JAMES

STEVE What? She said she would if I came here to meet her. I mean, if someone offered and you had seen pictures beforehand to verify the goods, you would too, wouldnt you? Beat. Yes. I guess for Dana, I would. JAMES

STEVE So you think shes coming tomorrow. JAMES You got me, kid. But I have a feeling we may be in the same boat. Why? STEVE

JAMES Because Dana likes to fuck with people. You mean likes to fuck people. STEVE

JAMES No. She likes to toy and, manipulate and make you feel like you got her real close. And once you catch her bait, youre a goner. Left high and dry. Im not going to get laid, am I? STEVE

JAMES Nope. But you sure as hell had a better chance than me. James sorts fax papers on his desk as Steve disappears. There is a phone call. Molly enters with phone in hand, parades through her living room.

19 JAMES (CONTD) Paper Warehouse, this is James, how can I help you today? Hey you. Hey. Listen, are you free for lunch? I can be. Where are we going? MOLLY JAMES MOLLY JAMES

MOLLY Oh just anywhere. I was thinking, maybe you could bring someone along from the office if you wanted. Just to meet new people and, stuff. Well: Theres Dana. JAMES

MOLLY The girl from payroll? Shes nice, ask her to come. JAMES Okay, Ill give you a call if she says she can go. Great. See you in a bit. MOLLY He hangs up. Molly fades. JAMES Yes, Dana was all the charm this office ever had. Thats why I stayed at all. Four years of this shit oughta kill anyone. Thats why on most days I caved in. I gave in to any fleeting fantasy that would take me away. On most days, it was her. It was an insane notion, you know? Just thinking about sex with Dana was almost unbearable. Big masturbation phase, thats when that was. I thought about fucking her all the time. But my thoughts werent enough. Because she did the thing where she would be friendly and kind of come close to you, but never close enough to suggest anything sexual. She could walk into a room and every man, woman or teenager would desire her. And thats all I wanted too. I wanted to fuck her. Mr. Boss Man has been sitting there all along. And why are you telling me this? MR. BOSS MAN

JAMES Dont you remember telling me your office was a safe zone?

20 MR. BOSS MAN JAMES

What? Something like, a year ago?

MR. BOSS MAN Yes, but James: I didnt want to hear this. JAMES Why not? Arent you my fellow man and all that good stuff? MR. BOSS MAN Not if youre going to tell me stuff like this every time you come in. JAMES Look, Im sorry. I just, I dont have anyone to, listen to me like this, you know and I thought Nevermind. MR. BOSS MAN James. You do realize your confession is not going to be taken lightly. Are you going to fire me? I may have to, yes. JAMES MR. BOSS MAN

JAMES Please fire me. Please please fire me. I beg you, just, fire me! I dont want to be here anymore, cause shes not going to be the way I want her to be and youre not going to be my friend so, fire me. Finish out the day. MR. BOSS MAN

JAMES Thank you. Thank you God, Thank you Jesus, that is incredible! Oh my God! Molly! Molly runs in and Mr. Boss Man leaves them to their joy. I know! Isnt it wonderful?! MOLLY

JAMES Jesus. I mean. Its such a shock though. Its like Im having a dream, one of those, day dreams MOLLY This time its true, hon. Youre going to be a dad.

21 JAMES Im going to be a dad! A father? Come to think of it. I never saw myself as a father before this moment Where is it? In my tummy. Can I feel it kicking? MOLLY JAMES

MOLLY Slow down, you have a few months before you can monitor that sort of thing. Molly, thank you. For this. I love you. JAMES MOLLY Pause. I love you too. JAMES She withers into darkness. Steve sits in the back listening, checking out the office. JAMES (CONTD) Those words used to scare the shit out of me. I love you. But we were having a baby. And that was going to change everything. So all those fears of commitment had to go away. Very quickly. Did they go away? No. STEVE JAMES

STEVE So its easier to lie to women than commit to them. Im not a liar. Why are you still here? JAMES

STEVE I cant go home. Im broke. The least she could do was give me some cash to get back. Genius. Whats your babys name? JAMES STEVE

22 JAMES I dont know. She didnt tell me before she left. STEVE What did you want to name your baby then? Um, Gwen. After my mother. Thats a gross name. JAMES STEVE

JAMES Yeah? Well you have acne, deal with it. STEVE Im done being friendly with you. Im telling Dana to get you fired, see how you like that, cause I have dating privileges, I have pull here now Another memory ensues and Steve dissolves. Dana returns to pick up where they began. James, impatiently sifts through the papers on his desk. Hanging by a thread. That wont do you any good. JAMES

DANA I bet you it will. Im getting out of here. Far away. Getting away from this atmosphere is exactly what I need. Thank God for transfers. JAMES Im pretty sure anywhere you go youll take your plague with you. What are you saying? DANA

JAMES Just answer me this: have you ever wanted to be with me? Just once? In the four years Ive known you. Has the thought even attempted to go through your head? No. DANA

JAMES But am I not charming? A nice guy?! What the fuck am I talkingthen again, everyones a nice guy to you. Arent we? Even that poor fucking pre-adolescent projectionist. Youre just fucking with everyone. And then again, everybody wants to fuck with you. Fuck around. Even Molly. Even my wife. Isnt that right? Go ahead. Tell me. Tell me what you want

23 Dana is replaced by Molly who cleans the living room: Tell me what you want, Molly. Shut up. DANA. Thats what you want. Shut the fuck up! JAMES (CONTD) MOLLY JAMES MOLLY

JAMES Yeah, and you were worried about me crushing on heryou little hypocrite! MOLLY You caused this James! It was all you! JAMES Like hell I did, I DIDNT TELL YOU TO BECOME A DYKE! MOLLY YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! I DONT BELONG HERE! I FUCKING LOATHE YOU AND I DONT FUCKING BELONG HERE AND THIS BABY DOESNT BELONG HERE YOU HEAR ME!!! YOU ARE A FUCKING MISTAKE. IN MY LIFE. She grabs her purse and keys. Leaves. Im a fucking mistake. She said. You cant beat yourself up over it. JAMES STEVE

JAMES Obviously, you dont know what this does to my integrity. STEVE So your wifes a dyke now. Thats not your fault. JAMES Shes a lesbian. Not a dyke. They dont like that, I hear. STEVE I knew a lesbian once. She used to work at the movie theater. Had a way big crush on her. Then found out I didnt stand a chance cause I wasnt a chick so I said, why bother? What are you getting at? JAMES

24 STEVE Maybe, since Dana played us. Shes a lesbian. JAMES Right. Because the world is purely black and white and anyone who cunningly tricks men must be a lesbian. God, youre green. Why not? Makes it easier on us. STEVE

JAMES Huh I have been called a liar before. STEVE Its not lying, its just tweaking details. Just a touch though. Enough to smile again. James surrenders to the thought and looks up as Dana inhabits the opposite end of the stage. This time she is plain in character. Like a drone. A visualization of the lies he tells himself. Are you a lesbian? Yes. JAMES (CONTD) DANA

JAMES Are you having an affair with my wife on a good day? Yes. And you hate men. Yes. DANA JAMES DANA

JAMES Especially me and you wont fuck me because youd rather do it with my wife who, for some elusive reason, became a lesbian as well. Yes. DANA

JAMES Great. That bit of imagination screams finality to me. Does it sound like it to you?

25 STEVE Sure. She sounds like a lesbian to me now. JAMES So thats what happened. They must have run away together, huh? Everyone crowds around him like an assortment of memories. Building upon his master lie. MR. BOSS MAN I do know she was packing her things on Friday, I had arranged the transfer to another branch the week before. JAMES Yeah. Thats the morning Molly called me a fucking mistake. MOLLY Thats the morning I walked out on you DANA Thats the morning I ran away with her Thats the day I lost my job. JAMES

MOLLY Thats the day I ran away with the sex offender. STEVE All because you wished upon a shooting star. JAMES Sure, blame it on that. That makes sense. STEVE What was your wish? That wish you whispered to yourself that night? JAMES Shooting star Make me big. Big enough to hold everyone in the palm of my hand. Big enough to be all right. The figures walk away from him and he remains. Cold and alone. He smiles. I want to go home now STEVE (OS) LIGHTS OUT.