WOlVERINES!
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The Boess
| 3/7/09 |
This morning I wrote a post or the Chronicle about Wolverine blow-jobs and then rightater that I twittered:
“y k ? i j c“wolVerines!” c . t .”
And then suddenly eleventy billion people twittered back “WOLVERINES!!!!!” And it wasawesome. So awesome, in act, that within an hour “WOLVERINES!” had become a top trendon twitter and people were vowing to shout it on the subway. Then Victor woke up and wasall “This house looks like shit. What have you been doing all morning?” and I’m all “I’veorchestrated a mass Red Dawn awakening beore most o America has had coee, that’s-what-I’ve-been-doing“. Then he gave me this look o disgust and was all “I don’t get it” and I’m all“That’s why it’s so unny. No one gets it. It’s like when you’re at the grocery store and yousuddenly yell out ‘SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!’ and everyone stops and looks at you weird butthen one person over in the cereal aisle starts laughing and yells back “KHAAAAAAN!” and thenyou laugh and go back to shopping. That’s what lie is all about.” And Victor’s all “Yeah. I justdon’t think it’s unny” and I’m all “YOU DON’T THINK THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE AROUNDTHE WORLD RANDOMLY SCREAMING ‘WOLVERINES!’ IS FUNNY?!” Then I thought aboutleaving him. Then Hailey started screaming “WOLFAREEMS!” and I’m like ”Even our year oldsthink this shit is unny“. Then we went to this sandwich shop or lunch where you write downyour name and order and then they call out your name when it’s ready so I lled mine out andgave it to Victor so he could pay or it.Then the sandwich guy was all “Uh…I’ve got a BLT here. Uh…wolverines?” and then Ilaughed so hard coke shot out o my nose. And Victor was all “What is wrong with you?” AndI’m all “WOLVERINES!!!” It was awesome. Then we went back home and Victor let to dosome work but like 10 seconds later he stepped back inside and screamed “WOOOOOLVERIIIII-INES!!!!!” Like, so hard he was panting aterward. And I’m all “Exactly.” And that’s how RedDawn saved my marriage.
BATTeReRs: WhY WOMendOn’T ReCOGnIZe A MR. WROnG
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irishwitch
| 3/9/09 |
A ew weeks ago, someone posted a diary on the Chris Brown/Rihanna alleged assault. Asalways, a Kossack registered a airly common opinion: that there should have been signs beorehe hit her that he was violent. I am going to try to respond to that here.Twenty years ago, I had a casual riend I’ll call Rachel , and she was the last person anyonewould have thought would ever become a victim o domestic violence. Out-going and bub-bly, she is rankly gorgeous, an cross between Cher in her Bob Mackie days and an Egyptiangoddess, all sloe eyes, rippling black hair, killer body and long, long legs. I have seen her stopmen in their tracks. But under the vivacity, there was a lack o condence because, while shemight be exotically beautiul, she wasn’t the Christie Brinkley type the magazines and billboardspushed on us, and she was shy about meeting new people, especially men.
irishwitch’s diary :: ::
We were all happy when she met a guy who was her counterpart. Big, blond and handsomein a clean-cut way, Bill (not his real name) seemed sweet and a little gooy and very solicitous o Rachel. He was romantic. He sent her fowers. He called her just to talk. He liked spending timewith her, and not just in bed. But all was not what it seemed. And within 8 months o theirrst date, he hit her, and Racehl kicked him out o her lie.My rst husband and I learned the whole story when, two weeks ater the break-up, weattended a science ction convention that both Rachel and Bill were at. And Bill was not takingno or an answer. He had been calling her or the preceding two weeks. At the convention,surrounded by two thousand other people, he kept “just happening to run into her”. In otherwords, he was stalking her, and attempting to woo his way back into his lie—very typicalbehavior or abusers ater a violent incident. She asked my rst (late) husband, a martial artistwhom another pal once introduced with the words, “This is Tim. He knows a hundred dierentways to hurt or kill you,” to have a ew words with him. Tim ound Bill and made it clear thatthere were a lot o people who knew what he’d done and who were keeping an eye on Rachel,and that i he didn’t leave her alone, there would be consequences. The unny part about this isthat I later heard Bill whining about how he was threatened and he was terried he’d get beatenup. What made it amusing was that Bill was 6’4” and weighed in at about 200 pounds o solidmuscle and worked out. A lot. Tim was 5’11”, and on his heaviest day weighed 150. But he wasable to put the ear o Deity into Bill, and he let Rachel alone ater that.Unlike many accounts o DV, this one had a happy ending.None o us saw the abuse coming, not even her best riend. Bill just seemed like such anice guy, sweet and genuinely caring. Looking back, though, a lot o what seemed like posi-tive traits were actually warning signs—and that is why women don’t see it coming, why theydon’t recognize Prince Charming as a violent batterer. A lot o their early behaviors, preciselythe things that should be red fags, seem wonderul—at rst. Only later are they recognized orwhat they truly are.I’ve compiled a list o Early Warning Signs rom several websites. I will attempt to showwhy even smart women oten don’t see Mr. Wrong or what he truly is. They are the victims o extremely intelligent anmanipulative con men who make Bernie Mado look like an amateur.
Whirlind Romance
- Many abusers are socially adept, manipualtive and very, verycharming. They know how to woo a woman with all the trimmings. They shower her withattention—compliments, fowers, phone calls “just to talk”. They aren’t araid to tell her theylove her early on, and they seem like Mr. Nice Guy. Most o her riends will like him, as will heramily, because part o the wooing process is getting them to like him. This is why people—in-cluding old riends and amily—are oten so shocked when the truth comes out. The key pointhere is that he moves too ast, and becomes emotionally involved too quickly.
i , pc C K s a. h c v, , c cc. h c v - . h v.
It’s very easy to get lured in by this type o man. Women complain to their riends all thetime about guys who wait till Thursday night to ask them out or Friday. A man who calls onMonday to make a date or Friday is a wonderul change—it sounds like he realizes you mightactually have other plans i he waits too long. Another thing I’ve heard riends talk about isthe emotionally distant man—the one who panics i you mention a riend getting engaged, orbreaks out in hives i you tell him you care about him. Or the commitmentphobe who, ater ayear o steady dating, still can’t bring himsel to leave a toothbrush and a razor at your place,let alone admit to being in love. Ater years o dating distant, unemotional men, someone whotalks about his eelings is a relie. Ater having your guy orget your birthday and Valentine’sDay two years in a row, a man who sends you fowers or no reason does seem a lot like PrinceCharming. And unaraid to meet your riends and amily? A mensch. And there really are guyslike that—I married two o them—who are just what they seem. It can be very hard to tell theReal Deal rom an abuser in a clever disguise. That is precisely what happened to Rachel.The key is that it all happens way too quickly. He rushes his ences. The problem is that itdoesn’t seem that way to the woman being wooed.
Isolation
- The abuser begins to isolate his victim rom riends and amily, like a predatorseparating his chosen prey rom the herd. Should be obvious, right? Oten, though, it isn’t. Hejust wants to spend as much time with you as he can—the whole weekend and a couple o eve-nings a week. You don’t even realize you’re not seeing old riends like you used to—especiallyemale riends who provide a support network. A lot o women don’t even notice it becausethey’re accustomed to shunting their girlriends aside when they’re starting a new relationship.And ater dating a bunch o guys who are so skittish about commitment that they can hardlymanage to call you until the night beore they want to go out, someone who wants to hang out,eat pizza and watch DVDs is a great change. By the time you realize that you haven’t had lunchwith your best pal or gone to see a movie with another close riend in months, you oten eeltoo ashamed to call them—and you’re already isolated.
Criticism
- Abusers oten alternate between fattery and criticism. In the beginning thecriticism is ramed as fattery—”You’ve got beautiul hair. Maybe i you didn’t pull it back?” Orthey make suggestions on your wardrobe, buying you things or pulling out clothing or youto try on. Oten they have pretty good taste, so it can be easy to go along with it, until they’vemade you over into DV Barbie.Again, it can be hard to recognize. There are actually men who like to shop and who have asense o style. My husband The Packhorse who spent 23 years in the Navy enjoys shopping andhas great taste. The only time I’ve returned something is because it didn’t t—and usually he’sgot a better sense o my size than I do. He’s one o the ew men I know who doesn’t break intoa sweat at Victoria’s Secret or women’s clothing stores. In act, when we lived in ME in the early90s, he made riends with the clerks at the Maidenorm Outlet Store, and they’d call him whennew things came in. I’d get amazing gits! While his type is rare, they do exist, and a lot o usare thrilled to nd a guy who doesn’t hide in the tool section at Sears when we go to the mall.Ater a while, though Mr. Abuser isn’t happy with just occasional suggestions. He willthrow her things away. He will send her back to change her dress i it’s too revealing—or notsexy enough. He’ll start in on her behavior—too firtatious, too assertive, too uneminine.Eventually this criticism destroys her sel condence. And it’s all so gradual she doesn’t realizeit’s happening until she believes she’s such a mess that no one but he can love her.
Jealousy
- He tends not to like your male riends. He gets a little uncomortable whenyou firt or even talk to other men—but not to the point o making you uncomortable. Onlylater, when he has isolated you, does he fy into rages. And, unortunately, all too oten, in oursociety, a man is expected to be a little jealous, so we ignore it unless it gets really out o hand.
Control
- All the behaviors described above are the methods he uses to get control o her lie. Once he has her rmly under his thumb he will progress to stalking her—calling herat work to make sure she’s there, checking the mileage on the car to make sure she didn’t goanywhere but work. Once she is isolated and demoralized, then and only then will the physicalviolence begin.What I am trying to make clear is that abusers don’t seem like abusers in the beginning.Ater awhile, all those fattering behaviors that made him Prince Charming will escalate intosomething ugly and destructive.Why was Rachel ooled? Well, he wooed her. And the criticism was fattering, helpuleven. And he wanted to see a lot o her, also very fattering. Eventually, though he began tocarp about her appearance. Her nose was too big. Her thighs were too muscular. She dressed toosluttily. She firted. She was too moody and dicult, a diva. Ater months o non-stop work,he began to convince her she was too fawed or guys to want her, that only he could love her.Then he started in on her behavior and her character faws. By the time he hit her that rst andonly time, he had utterly destroyed her sel esteem and convinced her that she was at and uglyand not very nice. It worked because what he said just reinorced society’s stereotypes. Beautiulthough she was, she wasn’t beautiul in the right way, the way the magazines and ads said youhad to be. She had a slender, curvy body, well-toned and muscular—but the look you saw inVogue was a stick gure, and she elt at. She bought into what he said because he knew whatbuttons to push, and society also pushed those buttons.Fortunately, when he struck her, her eyes opened, and she saw him or what he was. Shelet his apt. And told him i he came to her place, she’d call the police and get a restrainingorder. She called old riends, and actually stayed with one or a week to drive the messagehome. And she made it stick. When he called, she saw it was him and reused to pick up. Andwhen their paths crossed at the convention she had someone else deliver a message: that i heharassed her again, she had riends and she’d call the police.She wasn’t stupid when she ell or him. Bill was an actor capable o an Oscar-winningperormance or a much smaller audience. He was a master con man. It’s amazing that we eelsympathy or the victims o a Ponzi scheme operator like Mado—but, all to oten, not or bat-tered women because “they should have seen it coming.” In the case o Chris Brown’s allegedabuse o Rihanna, he ooled not only her, but the ans, the media and some pretty big corpora-tions who hired him as a pitchman. He was Mr. Nice Guy. I they all ell or it, it’s no wonderthat a twenty-one-year-old girl did too.And that is why women don’t recognize the red fags or what they are: they don’t look likered fags. They look like roses.
RElATIONSHIPSPHOTOS
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