Nicolas Cage Projects Stalled in Development
Hollywood's anti-visionaries are at it again, keeping some of the most enticingprojects in town tied up in endless rewrites. Thanks to these sluggards, all of usCageheads out here in the Cage Fan Nation only saw
new Cage movie lastyear. Any year without at least four new Nic pics is a year wasted. So get your e-mails flooding into these stuffed shirts' offices so we can get our Nic-o-timenow!
- In this promising concept, an emotionally volatile, devil-may-caredetective suddenly acquires the occult power of turning his entire head into a ballof seething flames. Soon Buck Firehead (Nicolas Cage) is roaring across thecountry on his souped-up Segway, his head bursting into a weaponized inferno of death at the slightest provocation. Cate Blanchett is under consideration to playRixette, the sexy, gritty biker chick who knows FireHead's darkest secret (that hishead often turns into a ball of fire).
Man With The Future Brain
- A paranormal action thriller, this gonzo concepttracks the tale of Professor Oscar T. 'Nostro' Damus (Nicolas Cage), whosemigraine-inducing visions of future events disturb his lectures when they appear as extremely dramatic PowerPoint presentations on his classroom SmartBoards. Damus, a volatile, emotionally high-strung, no-holds-barred, academicmaverick (with wacky thrift store shoes), tries to keep his prophetic powers secretfrom wise and canny department chair Hirschorn Cleveland (Morgan Freeman).But when his entire class sees his vision of humanity being incinerated by a bandof flaming Hellriders in an apocalyptic wave of fire outside the Reno city limits,Damus must spring into action. Shia LeBeouf is on the short list of candidates toplay Damus' charming, but feckless, assistant, Ouija.
National Treasure III: Catacombs with Numerous Secret Passages
- In thisprojected sequel, currently in its fourth rewrite, we become reacquainted withBenjamin Franklin Gates (Cage) lecturing on his best seller, "Building Your OwnRidiculously Elaborate Cavernous Labyrinth", when he stumbles upon the factthat secret crypts located under St. Louis are carved with hieroglyphics createdby Theodore Roosevelt in which the Rough Rider predicted a swarm of 21
century plagues that would bring clouds of psychic, but still very hungry, locustsdown on the Plains States in herds of destruction. Gates is soon exploring thecrypts with new romantic interest, entomologist Shecky Dyerson (Amy Poehler, ina rare dramatic turn) and exploding into volatile fits of disagreement with hisfather via cell phone (whose voice goes unheard due to Jon Voight's unusualcompensation requirements).