1HI IAmI

1he Iamp
A (:./ _/.;
//./ B..//,
by
Ilan Amit

IURIKA IDI1IONS 2009

IlanAmit / Iureka Iditions 2008
ISBN/IAN: 98-90-2395-64-1
All rights reserved. No part o this publication may be repro-
duced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any orm or
by any means, electronic, mechanical, photo-copying, recording
or otherwise, without the prior permission o Iureka Iditions.
1able o contents
Introduction 9
1rivialities 9
Not Knowing Who We Are 11
About 1his Book 14
chapter 1: I Went Out Alone 1
An Adult conspiracy 1
Iarly Iears 18
How Iiano Is Ilayed 20
A Bespectacled Boy 22
Shiting my Viewpoint 23
1he Iecking Order 25
A Secret Society 26
Weeping in mountains 2
chapter 2: Schaechter 31
Alleged Iroo o the Non-existence o God 31
Iarly Delinquency 32
Iirst Iove 33
Iarly Incounters with Ideology 35
Iectures by Ieibovitch and Schaechter 38
Schaechters Disciple 40
chapter 3: Alona 45
A Garin is Iormed 45
Alona and her Innuence 4
Kar Giladi and Naama 50
Accusations and Verdict 52
Beginning communal Iie 1ogether 53
chapter 4: Garin Yuval 5
1he Ivening Irayer 5
5
1he Sabbath 58
1he Vineyard 59
more Books and Ieople 61
Other Ieople, Other Groups 64
Neveh Ilan 66
1he Scapegoat 6
Invironmental Awareness 69
chapter 5: meeting Remarkable Ieople 1
A Very Hot Ilace 1
marriage and Iirst Academic Studies 2
Ieldenkrais 4
An Ixchange on Silence 5
Gurdjie and Ouspensky
Vera 80
Irich Neumann 83
chapter 6: An Ixperimental School 8
Iarent and Student 8
Yodat 88
High School 1eacher 91
Iooking Back 93
Separation 95
A New Iorm o Iie 9
more o the 1echnion 98
changing Attitudes 100
chapter : Aronovitch 103
Iarenting 103
I cannot Rely on my Ieelings 104
meeting Aronovitch 106
Beginning Inner Work 109
more on Aronovitch 111
Aronovitch Ieaves 114
6
Irivate and Group Secrecy 115
chapter 8: Glimpses o Inner Work 11
A Green Ieathered Hat 11
A Rendezvous With conge 118
]ohns Show 122
Guides and their Innuence 124
Snow at the 1op 128
chapter 9: Iacing the Void 131
1he Iamp Went Out 131
1he Irospect o Blindness 133
Boxes Re-emerge 135
Voluntary Suering 136
Krishnamurti 139
Sublime Iresence 142
Blind Dreams 144
chapter 10: changing Ierspectives 14
A Real Iie Story 14
Intimations o mortality 149
centers or Inner Work 151
Summer Retreats 153
madame De Salzmann 15
Advanced Studies 159
Iamily matters 163
chapter 11:
Arriving at Where We Already Are 16
An Argument About meditation 16
Sitting or 1hree Hours a Day 169
Ambition and Resignation 11
A Iesson rom 1ai chi 12
Real Work Is Iart o Iie 13

climbing a Iadder 15
more about Sleep 18
Raven cry 180
chapter 12: Ireedom and Inevitability 185
Unseen Sights 185
Irivileged Vantage Ioint 188
A Iogical 1autology 190
Assuming Responsibility or the Inevitable 192
Voluntary Suering 194
Iear o Death 195
Virtual Reality 198
Iierce Grace 200
8
Introduction
1rivialities
IN 1HIS BOOK I am going to describe parts o my lie,
including the things with which I was, and mainly still am
occupied. Not that I am a particularly interesting person
or because my lie is in some way important or instructive.
Not at all. In act, my later lie is probably much less
interesting or instructive than most lives, because o
my obvious limitations. Having been blind or 25 years
now, I cannot simply go on an excursion somewhere in
the mountains or a day or two, like I used to do when I
was young. Nor can I take my car and drive to the Dead
Sea or to Iake 1iberias, enjoying the drive along empty
roads and waiting or the lake to appear down in the
valley, while most people are at their routine jobs, as I
sometimes used to do. 1he list o things I cannot do now,
things I used to do as a sighted person, is quite extensive:
read printed books, draw or paint, search through a
secondhand book store, study maps and guide books
or an upcoming trip to a new country, learn about new
discoveries in mathematics or physics, or decipher ancient
texts - ]ewish or others.
Still, as with everyone else, I have only my present lie
to deal with. 1rying to recollect an idealized version o the
past or dream up possible rosy utures will suit neither my
almost venerable age nor my hard-won understanding. So
or the moment I bring mysel to examine the apparent
trivialities that constitute my daily or weekly routines,
trying to nnd what they can teach me about lie, the
world, and mysel.
1here is one strange thing that I almost never ail to
do in the morning. Is it a meditative exercise to begin
9
the day Or am I perorming the long orm o 1ai
chi meditation in movement Or at least walking
or an hour on the treadmill, keeping mysel it No,
these I also do sometimes, even quite oten, but not
with the regularity o that special daily activity that I
almost never ail to perorm. Well, here is what I do: I
check the closing price o a particular stock on the U.S.
stock exchange. I bought it iteen years ago, thanks to
my son, who worked until recently in that particular
company and still owns more stock in it than I do.
Over the years the stock has lost most o its original
value. Yet I have not sold it, due to a sense o having to
share the burden o anxiety or that stock with my son,
as well as the hope that its price will eventually go up,
at the end o the day, the year, or the decade.
But why do I keep mysel updated on the daily value
o that particular stock Am I so ond o money that
I am waiting or a chance to sell at a pront Or am I
superstitious, earing catastrophe to my savings Neither.
I enjoy the security o earning money, yet I do not grieve
too much over its sudden or gradual loss.
1here was a time when I became rich, as a result o a
deal in stocks with an American company. 1hen that
American stock lost much o its value, due to various
unoreseeable events. When the time came or resale o
my American stocks, I was no longer rich, but o very
modest means. Iersonally, I was surprised to notice how
little this nnancial saga aected me.
So why do I ollow that stock with such regularity Or
why do I do a dincult crossword puzzle every week, even
at the expense o more pressing tasks 1hey say that doing
dincult crossword puzzles protects your mind rom old
age dementia. But there are lots o other recommended
preventative measures that no one ollows, probably just
10
because they are recommended. We tend to avoid most
things deemed as useul.
We seem to have a deep need or rituals, public or
private. We also seek regularity - brushing our teeth,
sipping our morning coee, eating our regular meals. We
perorm these rites, not just because they are necessary,
but also because they provide structure and apparent
meaning to the now o time. Iike the week o labor and
the day o rest, like a prayer that begins your day, like a
ritualistic meditation, like an oering at the altar.
One day you see it. You observe the way you go
through the motions. Yes, it is not a true ritual. Not a
real prayer. But then is a real ritual real What kind o
nostalgia lies behind an actual prayer What are we really
searching or in this lie, in this world, in ourselves
Not Knowing Who We Are
Once, in a series o group meetings, we, the group
members, tried to tell our lie stories. Only two or
three stories could be included in a single meeting. We
were aware o what Ouspensky says in !o .../ ./ //.
m../., that when Gurdjie gave this exercise to his
disciples, everyone avoided or misrepresented vital details.
In our example, though, the question o keeping to the
acts did not play a central role. Rather, we saw riends
with whom we were meeting in the group on a regular
basis in quite a new light. We learned that some o them
shouldered burdens o which no one was previously aware,
such as supporting a wie who suered recurring attacks
o major depression or having a childhood that could only
be described as delinquent and how it was subsequently
transormed, almost transmutated. Some people related
their experiences o survival during the Holocaust at a
very young age.
11
clearly such stories can grip our imagination and
arouse our empathy. In a group meeting, however,
another aspect also became prominent, though not
equally in all stories: Ieople ailed to appreciate what was
unique about them. Iersonally, I had already become
aware o this phenomenon in another context. 1here
were two people who played a central role in bringing
about the establishment o the Gurdjie inner work in
Israel, Amnon and Yehuda. With time, Amnon took
a conrontative position vis--vis our Irench guides
in this work. He started his own groups without their
authorization, although he did receive consistent support
rom other senior members o the work. Still, he continued
his personal participation in the original group that was
working with those Irench guides. He was a psychologist
by proession and many people in the group turned to him
or personal advice.
I remember a group meeting, without the presence o
Irench guides, where questions o our integrity as a group
came up, in view o the riction among the Irench guides,
on one hand, and among us on the other. Amnon spoke
in that meeting, in an unexpectedly conciliatory tone. He
said he wished to relate a story. I do not know to this day
i it was a traditional ]ewish olktale or an impromptu
invention. It went like this:
1here was once a amous christian monastery, which
attracted many visitors and had a constant stream o
would-be acolytes. With time, however, disputes broke
out among the monks and the image o the monastery
became tarnished. Iewer and ewer people came or visits,
and instead o acquiring new recruits, the monastery lost
veteran monks. 1he situation went rom bad to worse,
until only nve monks remained and they could not agree
on what to do next. One o them heard o a wise ]ewish
12
rabbi living nearby and he suggested that they go to
consult with him.
1he rabbi listened to their stories about how lie in the
monastery had been in the past and what it had come to.
He pondered or a long time, then said: I dont know
what to say to you to help you solve your problem. 1he
only thing I can tell you is that one o you is the savior,
only one, and I dont know which o you that is. 1he nve
monks returned to the monastery disappointed, because
the rabbi could not tell them what to do. Still, since one
o them was the savior and it could be any one o them,
they began to respect each other. 1his created a change
or the better in the atmosphere. Visitors began to return
and their positive impressions encouraged more visitors
to come. 1he monasterys reputation began to improve
and newcomers began to arrive as acolytes. Iinally the
monastery resumed its ormer glory.
Several months ater that meeting, someone
called to tell me that Amnon had passed away. I was
dumbounded. He had just turned 61. He had said he elt
a little tired, had lain down on the soa, and suddenly he
was gone: He let a wie and two daughters and a host o
younger people or whom he was a guide. I knew Amnon
rom a very early age. I still remember little things about
him, his way o speaking with a smile, his eagerness to
learn new things, new teachings, new proessional ways
o treating patients. 1hen a thought struck me, like
a revelation: While I had just revived an impression o
Amnon, o what was particular about him, what was
unique, he could not have had a similar impression o
himsel, no matter how hard he tried. He, Amnon, did
not know he was Amnon. He could not have known what
being Amnon entailed. I too cannot know what others
know about me - what it means to be Ilan.
13
We are born into the world as individuals, but not
entirely separate individuals. We are part o something, an
entire, grand unity. As such, we ail to have very distinct
boundaries. Rather we penetrate each other spiritually
and emotionally. Nevertheless, despite the practical and
theoretical hurdles associated with our individuality, we
are still born as individuals and die as such. What need,
what absence do we ulnll by coming into the world
We cannot really know that. It seems, however, that
each o us brings with him something unique, that has
never been beore and will never be again. It is a single
note or perhaps a little tune that become part o the huge
orchestra o lie. Yet individually we do not know what
this note or tune is. We cannot recognize this particular
aspect o ourselves. Others can, but we cant.
One o the reasons to encourage people to narrate their
lie story may be to help them make an eort to identiy
their own voice, their specinc contribution to existence.
can they Irobably not. 1he mongols o Genghis Khan
never washed. 1heir clothes, made o animal hide,
absorbed body odors. Among the mongolian nobility
it was considered a compliment to let someone wear
your coat, with your intense body odor. But could you
identiy your own body odor Writing a biography seems,
thereore, a hopeless attempt to recognize your personal
odor, though such an endeavor is, in a way, the most
appealing.
About 1his Book
1his book proceeds more or less chronologically, starting
with impressions o my early childhood and continuing to
my early teachers and others who signincantly innuenced
my early adult lie. I then describe the garin (nucleus
14
group) Yuval, the attempt to realize our early ideals,
and additional people who had a signincant innuence or
introduced me to other masters and their teachings. 1hen
I describe my short, though or me interesting, career
as school teacher. my actual contact with the Gurdjie
groups occupies the next two chapters ( and 8). chapter
9 deals with the issue o blindness, while the next is again
about inner work in the groups. 1he penultimate chapter
brings my contemporary ideas and understanding with
regard to groups, exercises, etc. Iinally, the last chapter
(12) addresses issues related to my outer, rather than inner
work, concluding with a kind o summary.
1his portrait o a smooth, ocused, and orderly now is
a bit misleading, since there are numerous digressions to
side issues, unrelated to the main subject o each chapter.
I hope this adds interest and color to the book and helps
the reader nnd that particular note or scent which, as I
have already said, I may not be able to nnd mysel.
I would like to thank several people or their
contributions, help and encouragement with regard to
this book. I am deeply indebted to my various teachers
mentioned in the text, some o whom are still alive.
my wie Ilana was involved in all stages o the writing
and made signincant contributions. Ava carmel did a
superb editorial job, in particular in view o the act that
I am not a native Inglish speaker. 1he idea o writing a
spiritual biography was nrst proposed by the publisher
o this book, who continues to extend his support and
encouragement. Iro. Iran Yashiv and mr. Illy Ber read
early versions o the manuscript and made useul remarks.
15
chapter 1: I Went Out Alone
An Adult conspiracy
I WIN1 OU1 alone. 1he street was crowded. Busy-looking
grownups were passing by without paying any attention
to me. 1hey wore long pants while I, a small boy, was
wearing shorts. I wanted them to take notice o me, not
to see me as just another silly little boy. I ngured - I dont
know why - that the best way to impress these people in
the street was to pretend that I was speaking Inglish. I
didnt understand Inglish then, but I had oten heard
British, Indian, and Australian soldiers speaking outside,
under our window. I could distinguish between them by
their dierent uniorms and I thought I could adopt their
accents. It was a time o war. During the night Italian
or other enemy bombers would ny by. 1he sirens would
wake us up and we would hurry down to the little shelter
in our basement, along with the other neighbors. 1he
entrance to the building was ortined with sacks o sand
and we, the children, would peep outside, to the dark skies
crisscrossed with searchlights that were trying to locate
enemy aircrat. It was both thrilling and rightening,
listening to those nighttime alarms, with a particular
smell o drowsy people and their blankets. Ater several
hours the state o alarm ended.
So, walking in the street, I began talking to mysel out
loud, in my mock Inglish. I wonder where I got the idea
that talking to mysel was a common practice. I discretely
watched passers-by, to see what eect my Inglish had on
them, but I couldnt detect any particular results. Was it
really possible that they were unimpressed, or did they
realize that my Inglish was not real I concluded against
the latter possibility, nrstly, because I was convinced that
1
my babbling was somewhat like the real thing. Besides,
they would have paid even more attention i they had
discovered my ruse.
I cant remember exactly when, but a curious solution
dawned upon me. Ierhaps it was ater several abortive
attempts. could it be that all o these people were
unaware o my presence, even when I was making such a
heroic eort to demonstrate my Inglish nuency No, that
was quite implausible. 1hen how could it be explained
Ividently, these people actually knew me very well and
were observing me in secret. 1hey wanted to see how I
behaved on my own, thinking that I was unobserved.
1hey would then tell my parents what they saw. Ater
some time all that would be cleared up. my parents would
explain to me how I was being tested and I hoped that
I would have stood the test very well. Yet that expected
revelation never came. I gradually accustomed mysel to
the acts o lie. Why, as a little boy, did I eel rustration
at not being noticed by casual passers-by in the street
I dont remember mysel as eager to attract attention
(although I may have conveniently covered this up since
then).
Iarly Iears
In another early memory I had just gone to bed and the
light was switched o, when I experienced a peculiar
sensation. 1he walls o my room were receding,
accompanied by a sound or whistle, like the honking
o an approaching car. 1he walls were pulsating and
I experienced the sensation o alling into an endless
abyss, although I was actually lying saely in bed. 1hese
sensations, both rightening and thrilling, were repeated
every night.
18
1hen a ear began to grip me while I was lying in bed.
As ar as I remember, it was not related to the sensation
o the receding walls and alling, but it occurred during
approximately the same period. It dawned on me that
my parents, and in particular my mother, could suddenly
die. my ather was absorbed with his proessional and
community responsibilities. I liked to go or walks with
him, but it was my mother upon whom I was dependent.
Surely I could not manage one day without her. But
what i she died What would become o me I became
so depressed by this thought that once it gripped me I
began to cry. my mother would come to console me and
I would say to her, as I remember distinctly, mother, I
dont want you to die. She would respond by promising
that she was not going to die, not yet. I wanted to believe
her. It was vital, but a little doubt persisted and the next
night it could start all over again.
Since then many things have changed. In his old age,
my ather became almost totally dea and could no longer
communicate with people. my mother, who had been a
very active person, suered rom Alzheimers disease
in her nnal years. my ather died 25 years ago and my
mother several years later. Iach o them reached the
venerable age o 92. 1hus both o them died at more or
less their proper time and that was how my elder sister
and I accepted it. Where was the early ear o being let
alone that lay so heavily on me as a child my ather lost
his own ather at an early age and, as a schoolboy, had to
support his amily. He once told me, You do not become
a true adult until your ather has died. 1oday I tend to
agree with him and I think that this is true o your mother
as well.
I dealt with a dierent kind o ear several years later.
my athers work during that period took him out o
19
town. He would sometimes return home on weekends,
while other weekends we would go to visit him at his
workplace. 1his meant that my mother and I were let
alone during the week. my elder sister, twenty years my
senior, was married and living ar away. By then I was
nine or ten years old. 1he ormer ear o being let alone
due to my mothers death was gone, but another concern
began to grip me. What i my mother suddenly dies in
her sleep How would I know What would I do Who
would I call to connrm her death and what arrangements
would be necessary It seems to me now that my main
concern during that period was the unavoidable need to
keep touching my mothers body to see i she was alive.
my mother was a short, beautiul, and very eminine
woman, who spoke several languages and recited classical
poetry by heart. I was still attached to her and my
revulsion at the thought o the corpse that would be let
behind was not in any way a shrinking rom her. Rather, it
represented a young boys ear o everything connected to
death, ear o the untouchable. Why should a corpse, and
in particular that o your mother, be untouchable At that
time it was not a conscious conclusion on my part, but an
instinctive repulsion that I still experience today, though
not in relation to those close to me, like my mother or
wie.
How Iiano Is Ilayed
mrs. Ilstein, an elderly woman who lived in the
adjacent apartment, was a piano teacher. During the
era o silent movies she had played piano in the local
cinemas. Now she taught young girls and one or two
boys, who hesitantly repeated the same tunes, which
I used to hear through the apartment wall. Only a ew
20
o her students were older and produced what seemed to
be more serious music.
Ior some reason my mother did not suggest that I too
take piano lessons with mrs. Ilstein. Ierhaps we could
not aord it, perhaps she considered me too young.
We had what was then called a tea wagon. It was a
little glass table with our small wheels, that stood by the
armchair in our living room. I used to pretend it was a
piano. I would tap on it with my nngers and imagine I
heard a song I was ond o at the time, 1he Ierpetual
Iund will help secure our land. 1oday this would be
considered a jingle, but then we took it quite seriously.
I was sure that this was how one plays the piano. You
sing the song to yoursel and tap the piano keys with your
nngers, the way I did on the tea wagon.
I was in the nrst or second grade, when one day my
schoolteacher asked who would volunteer to play the
piano at a ceremony planned or upcoming estivities.
Only two o us raised our hands - Shulamit and I. I was
surprised, since I already knew that playing the piano
was such an easy matter. Why didnt more pupils come
orward 1he teacher told us to stay ater school, to
demonstrate our piano playing ability. She led us to a
room with a piano, where the school principal waited.
Shulamit played nrst.
Do you want to play rom sheet music or by heart
the teacher asked her. Shulamit chose to play rom
sheet music. Her playing was slow and hesitant, which I
attributed to her choice o sheet music, rather than the
song she heard in her heart. When my turn came, I chose
to play by heart and I treated the piano as I had treated
our tea wagon. I tapped with my nnger, rather quickly,
the rhythm o 1he Ierpetual Iund will help secure our
land. 1o my great astonishment the music that came
21
out was very dierent rom the song inside me. I could
not understand it, but I dared not show my rustration
outwardly.
Several days later my mother told me that she had
met the school principal, who had congratulated her
on my perormance. She said she assured him that I had
never taken piano lessons and I most certainly could not
play piano. So Shulamit was the one who played at the
ceremony. However, I did begin taking piano lessons with
mrs. Ilstein.
A Bespectacled Boy
When I was seven years old, I was already somewhat
dierent rom the other schoolboys. I wore glasses, a rare
thing or children at that time. I was a poor sportsman,
due to a congenital eye disease, which restricted me
rom an early age. my ather was a teacher and vice-
principal in the school in which I studied or the next
12 years, though not at the same campus. While I was
in elementary school, this pedigree was rowned upon.
1eachers were considered to be the enemy and a teachers
son was a potential traitor. Nevertheless, when we, the
boys, ambushed the girls ater school, as we oten did, it
was I who had to explain to the school principal the next
day that it was the girls, not us, who started it. At home I
would wrack my brain or what seemed, at least to me, to
be a convincing explanation. 1he next day the principal
would listen to me very seriously. I would always believe
that this time I had really impressed him. Yet it always
ended up with some punishment or other imposed on all
o us. Again I had ailed in my special mission.
When we werent ambushing the girls on our way
home or stopping revolving water sprinklers on the grass,
22
thoroughly wetting ourselves in the process, or jumping
rom wall to wall, where once someone ell and broke his
jaw, we would nght each other. 1hese nghts oten turned
into bullying sessions against one o the weaker, less
popular boys, mysel included.
It was wintertime and my mother had just bought me
a new coat, which I really liked. I can still remember the
new smell o that coat. I wore it to school or the nrst time,
with obvious satisaction. But that same day on my way
home, I became the target o the bullies. I ended up being
thrown down on the muddy ground. 1he other boys ran
away and I stood up, eeling deeply sorry that my new
coat was nlthy.
I took the incident as an aront to my parents, who had
worked so hard to earn the money or my coat. When the
other boys threw me down on the ground, they hadnt
taken this into account. When I came home I burst into
tears and told my mother what had happened and how I
elt about it. 1o my surprise she didnt take the incident
so seriously. She assured me that she could easily launder
the coat and it would look like new again. But I did not
give up my wounded eelings so easily and I continued to
ponder the incident in the same way I had tried to dream
up explanations o why we had ambushed the girls ater
school.
Shiting my Viewpoint
I have a strong recollection about that aternoon,
although nothing particularly signincant actually
happened. At times when I ound mysel thinking about
our above-mentioned explanations or ambushing the
girls, I ound it helpul to detach mysel rom our cause
and look at things objectively. 1his time, when I thought
23
about the unairness o my classmates, it occurred to me
to try to look at the incident more objectively. But how
I again imagined the details o the incident. Here I was
and here were the others. I tried to see things rom their
perspective, instead o mine. I ound that it was much less
malicious than I had supposed. In act, the others did not
harbor any particular bad eelings or hatred towards me
or my parents. Indeed, they werent even aware o the act
that I was wearing a new coat. I they had been, perhaps
they would have been more cautious. Anyway, I was sure
they had already orgotten the incident. I I still recalled
it, it was because I was still angry at them.
What was the lesson o this shit in viewpoint I asked
mysel. I re-examined the incident. Here I was, lying on
the ground in my new coat. And here were the other boys,
getting ready to go home. I ound I could choose with
whom to identiy. It was natural to identiy with mysel,
lying there on the ground. But why should I identiy
with mysel It was certainly not the best position in
this particular case. But then, with whom else should I
identiy Yes, I could choose someone else, but in the long
run that would not necessarily prove to be better than
identiying with mysel. Why couldnt I just rerain rom
identincation and always look at things objectively, as I
am doing at this moment
I cant recall what happened later, but I subsequently
adopted that objective outlook. It was not the result o a
conscious choice. I was still too young or that. Apparently
I had initially been inclined to adopt an objective outlook
and that incident helped awaken it in me. Is everybody
similarly inclined I do not know. Some people give a
contrary impression. In my own children, now already
grown up, I nnd a similar inclination, to a greater or lesser
degree. One thing it entails is that you do not expect
24
your lie to be an ongoing celebration and you do not eel
cheated when it isnt so.
1he Iecking Order
When I was a child, my parents used to restrict my social
activities, earing a recurrence o the eye condition that led
to the operations I underwent as a baby. Needless to say,
I had no recollection o these operations and I believed
that my parents used them as convenient excuses or
making me stay home. 1here was already an established
pecking order among the children living on the same
street and attending the same school. 1he highest in the
pecking order were those who, or some reason or other,
were not restricted or disciplined by their parents. 1hey
could go out whenever they liked and stay out as late as
they pleased. 1he more restrictions any o us experienced
at home, the urther down the social ladder he ound
himsel.
Naturally, at that time I was not amiliar with the
concept o a pecking order. I think it was only introduced
ater World War II, while the events I am describing here
took place during the war. Nevertheless, I understood
what a negative eect these restrictions had on my social
standing.
In the hope o redressing this situation I decided to write
a book. I had just started reading the daily newspaper and
I was very impressed by ads that read Sir (madam), you
(masculine) / you (eminine) are hereby invited to visit .
1he idea o killing two birds with one stone seemed to me
a symbol o linguist enciency and I decided to adopt it
in the book I was about to write. I think I used a little
clothbound notebook, which I probably received on my
seventh birthday. 1he book began: Ivery boy (girl) needs
25
his (her) social environ-ment. In Hebrew, the language
in which I wrote the book, there are dierent sunxes
or verb orms according to gender, which I indicate in
Inglish by (he, she). 1he book proceeded to describe the
unortunate innuence on a boys (girls) acceptance in
society o restrictions imposed on him (her) by his (her)
parents. I remember my mother showing the book to her
riends, with obvious satisaction. But it did not have a
positive eect on the restrictions I suered.
A Secret Society
Some years later several o my riends established a secret
society with the acronym IDWID - Iat, drink, or we
die tomorrow. Strict tests were imposed on those who
wished to join. 1hey had to prove their resourceulness
by acquiring a substantial stock o sweets, preerably by
breaking the law. I mysel was not admitted to IDWID,
but I was amiliar with its activities, through a riend who
was a ounding member. At the time some new boys had
come to live in our neighborhood. most were o German
descent. 1heir parents had ned Nazi Germany and settled
in Ialestine. 1hese boys could easily be distinguished by
their oreign accents, their Iuropean clothes, unsuited
to the local climate, and their renned manners, which
we veterans loved to mock. 1heir arrival extended our
pecking order, so that I was no longer in the lowest ranks.
One o these boys o German descent was Daniel. I was
taken aback by a rumor that Daniel had been admitted
to IDWID. Initially I did not believe it, but my above-
mentioned riend agreed to tell me the story, on condition
that I didnt tell anyone else. (I hope this commitment is
no longer in orce.) Daniels parents, said my riend, wrote
26
a letter to the heads o IDWID. 1hey explained that
Daniel, being a new immigrant, had dinculty integrating
into the local peer society. 1hey begged IDWID to
accept him as a member and to help with his integration.
In addition they oered any necessary support. 1here was
a general discussion o the entire IDWID membership.
It was decided to admit Daniel, on the condition that he
supply the necessary provisions or the get-togethers,
which his parents readily did.
I continued to be on riendly terms with Daniel or
many years. He ultimately became a proessor o electrical
engineering in the USA, wrote several proessional books,
married, and had children and grandchildren. Recently I
discovered a recorded message rom him on my telephone,
saying he was in Israel or a visit and suggesting that we
meet. Unortunately I discovered the message too late,
or when I called I was told that he had already let the
country.
Weeping in the mountains
As with Daniel, another meeting with my mother, now
long deceased, is no longer possible, though the reasons
are obviously dierent. In her later years, my mother was
living in a twilight world o her own. I sometimes wrote
down things she said, since her monologues became
poetic during those years.
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28
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.c.c/.. ! ./ ,. ! / /.//. o./ /. .c.c/. ./ //o.
29
chapter 2: Schaechter
Alleged Iroo o the Non-existence o God
A1 1HI AGI o 11 or 12, the problem o whether or not
God exists began to trouble me. It was several years since I
had begun to read in school the biblical stories o creation,
the Garden o Iden, the sin o Adam and Ive and their
expulsion rom paradise. 1here were the myths o the
nood and the 1ower o Babel. In most o these and other
tales, God had a plan or the universe, or humanity and
or the Israelites, but this plan was thwarted, again and
again, by the disobedience o humanity in general or o
particular human beings. Naturally I sided with God and
elt thankul to him or sparing Adam and Ive, even ater
they had sinned, or rescuing Noah rom the nood with
his ark and subsequently striking a covenant with the
descendants o Noah that never again would humanity
be destroyed. 1he question o what the existence o God
entailed or me as a person came up only when I was about
11 years old.
I remember walking with a classmate and
discussing the existence o God with him. my ather
was a mathematician and I too had an inclination to
mathematical thinking, even at an early age. 1his was
equally true o my classmate. 1he ollowing argument
occurred to me during this discussion: Space, geometric
space (the space envisaged by the axioms and theorems
o geometry) is unlimited, i.e., it is innnite. I God exists,
He must consequently be somewhere in this space, since
there cannot be anything outside or beyond innnity.
But geometric space is homogenous. Iach point is like
any other. 1hus the points where God exists cannot be
special in any way. 1hey must be like all others. But
31
this contradicts the special nature o God, His absolute
uniqueness. Hence God cannot exist.
my riend could not think up a counter-argument, so
both o us accepted my reasoning as conclusive. I ever
God had existed, He ceased to exist rom then on, or a
considerable length o time, at least as ar as my riend
and I were concerned. As a result o this apparent demise
o God, I seem to have lost all nrm grounding or moral
principles during that period.
Iarly Delinquency
I became a member o a gang, much like IDWID and
became completely involved in the activities o this gang.
I can now see that what we were doing was to test the
borders between acceptable and unacceptable behavior,
by engaging in orbidden activities, mainly shopliting.
We would individually go into a department store,
take a toy revolver that pleased us, and put it in a pocket.
1he next time we would take ammunition or the toy
gun, ammunition that would make a lot o noise without
causing any harm. Or we would go by ourselves to a shop
that sold cheap ornaments, ask to see a ew, then hide one
in a pocket. I remember once having stolen a thin chain
or a pendant in this manner. One o my riends told me it
was made o gold and that I must return it. I dont know i
he could really tell what it was made o, but I immediately
accepted his judgment. Returning it aroused the suspicion
o the owner and it was more dincult than stealing it.
One o the German boys had an extensive stamp
collection. Some o us used to go to his house to look at
his collection, and we always managed to take some o his
stamps, without his noticing. Our most requent activity
o this kind, however, was to steal bottles o juice rom a
32
small store near our school, where the shopkeeper used to
store his bottles behind the store. 1he shopkeeper became
aware o what we were doing and he would chase us to
the back gate o the school, which was always closed. We
could crawl under the closed gate and disappear and he
couldnt ollow us.
However, one day he gave a detailed description o
us to the school principal and we were summoned to his
once. It was a dierent principal rom the one we had
had in the lower grades. He did not discipline us with
punishment, but held a kind o a moral debate with us.
I dont remember exactly what he said, but it let a deep
impression on me. Irom that day on, I let the gang and
its activities, as i I had nnally ound and internalized the
borders o legitimacy. Other boys continued unperturbed
and some ended up as outright criminals.
Iirst Iove
Girls interested me rom an early age, in particular the
good-looking, radiant ones. I was, however, extremely
bashul in my relations with them. I could not believe they
would ever be interested in me, since I was such a poor
sportsman. Besides, my mother and sister kept telling me
that I looked like a little monkey. 1hey probably meant
it as a joke, but I took it quite seriously and concluded
that, not only did I wear glasses, but I was also not worth
looking at.
my sel-assurance grew a little stronger as I got older,
since I was considered by the others, and partly also by
mysel, to be intelligent and wise. At the age o 13 or
14 I liked to read romances and biographies o real or
nctitious characters who displayed a certain excellence
that compensated or their dencient looks.
33
1here was one girl, Aviva, whom I particularly liked
during that period. She was a classmate who lived in
my neighborhood. We used to visit each other, do our
homework together and talk. She was good-looking and
there was a serene atmosphere about her that appealed to
me very much. One day Aviva came to my house. We sat
in my room and talked. I steered the conversation towards
her and her preerences regarding boys. She participated
without reservation, which encouraged me a lot. I asked
her i she would mind i a boy touched her. She said it
depended.
Upon what does it depend I asked.
It depends on who it is.
And i it were someone you liked
I it were someone I liked, then perhaps.
Inwardly I was excited, but I tried not to show it.
And i it were someone you liked in particular I
asked.
Someone I liked in particular . probably yes. she said.
I stood up and began pacing the noor.
Would you say you liked me in particular I asked
her.
1here was a moment o silence. 1hen she said yes.
I went out to the little balcony, with its potted plants
tended by my mother. I thought the syllogism was clear:
She would not mind i someone she liked in particular
touched her. I was someone she liked in particular.
conclusion: She would not mind i I touched her. I
returned to the room. She was sitting on a chair. I stood
behind her and took her ace in my hands. I probably
expected her to get up and embrace me or to give me
some other positive signal. She did not move. Apparently
she did not expect me to act right away or she was simply
taken aback by my sudden boldness.
34
I lost heart. I elt the ground give way beneath my
eet, at least metaphorically. What should I do now I
elt intensely ashamed and I wanted her to go, so I would
not become even more embarrassed. I took out one o
the books I was reading, which described an outstanding
person and his love. I gave it to her and said Read it and
you will understand me better. With that we parted
and never again met in private. Ior years I could not
orget the incident. It gave me an impression o mysel as
someone disconnected rom the intuitions and emotions
that regulate our interpersonal relations, someone trying
to rely on reasoning and words alone.
In later years my attitude towards the incident
changed. 1he sense o shame and ridicule weakened.
Instead, I noted that I could remember not only the details
o what had happened, what was said and experienced,
but also the entire setting: the urniture in the room, the
little balcony and it plants, a bookcase and the books
it contained, Avivas hair and its style, perhaps even
what she was wearing. How did that come about, when
other, more satisying events I could remember only as
headlines, recalling that such and such took place, without
recollection o any particular detail
Iarly Incounters with Ideology
1he town o Haia, where I lived during those years,
extended rom the port uphill to the summit o a partly
orested, moderately sized hill - mount carmel. In
general, the better neighborhoods were the upper ones.
I lived about halway up the slope. A riend o mine lived
two streets below. His ather had a shop or the sale and
repair o leather bags o all kinds, including schoolbags.
I oten went to see him at home or at his athers shop,
35
which were located in the same building. His ather
dressed and behaved, not as a shop owner, but as a
cratsman, somewhat like a shoemaker. 1he amily took
pains to create the impression o belonging to the working
class, which was more acceptable in those days, at least in
some circles, than belonging to the middle class, like my
parents.
One day my riend asked me i I had read 1/. ./../.!
v/o o marx and Ingels. I was a voracious reader, at a
time when television and computers were still unknown.
At 13 or 14 I used to read books intended or older boys.
However, I hadnt considered such a book as suitable
or someone my age. my riend gave me the book and I
devoured it, nnishing it that same day. What struck
me was the way the book suddenly made sense o the
mysterious world o grown-ups, how most people, i.e.,
the working class, make a living rom their work, but do
not own the necessary machinery. 1he ew who own the
machinery, the capitalists, make a pront by selling the
products o the labor o those workers or much higher
prices than the workers are paid. 1he capitalists have the
right to that added value, thanks to their ownership o
the means o production, i.e., the machines. 1he workers,
who since the industrial revolution have not had means
o production o their own, have no choice but to sell
their physical or mental work to the capitalists, or the
minimum wages, in order to survive. 1his injustice can-
not continue or long. 1he workers will acquire those
means o production during a revolution that will do away
with the capitalists and bring about a dictatorship o the
proletariat.
And what about the middle class, like my ather and
mother 1his class cannot hold out or long, I explained
to my ather. It is bound to join the ranks o either the
36
workers or the capitalists. my parents, who had already
heard o this socialist ideology, tried to raise doubts about
its rationality and validity. However, they could not
propose any alternative explanation o the contemporary
social world that could rival, in breadth and totality,
what I had read. I concluded that this was the only
comprehensive philosophy available and decided to
delve deeper into its details, such as so-called historical
materialism, the theory that proesses to explain the
course o history by means o technological and economic
developments.
It was a time o political rit in the country, a rit
between the more extreme political parties with
communist tendencies and the less extreme Social
Democrats. 1he rit was so intense that kibbutzim (plural
o kibbutz), or communal settlements, broke apart, with
one action remaining and the other settling in a new
kibbutz nearby. Iamilies separated along political lines
and emotions ran very high. 1he pioneering spirit was
still strong and the youth movements encouraged us, the
youngsters, to settle in new kibbutzim or to integrate into
existing ones. consequently the political rit extended,
overtly or not, to the youth movements. my ather was
chie o the Boy Scouts in the country and I was a Boy
Scout mysel. Our Boy Scout movement was quite
dierent rom the British or American ones, in that it
included youngsters o 1 and 18 as regular members, not
just group leaders o younger groups. 1he idea was that
these youngsters (i.e. ourselves) would go to a kibbutz
right ater they nnished their secondary education. And
so this movement also suered the above-mentioned
political rit.
my ather was naturally inclined towards the Social
Democrats while I, as is common among the youth, was
3
ideologically, a sworn extremist. I soon ound out that
more senior members also held similar views, so my
riend, the son o the leather bag dealer, and I volunteered
to join them. It was a clandestine aair and I was not
immediately trusted, because my ather was in the
opposite camp. Ater a while, though, I was welcomed.
I met regularly with my new riends and learned o the
many secret and less secret activities they were involved
in. 1he underground atmosphere was very thrilling, in
particular since I elt that we were bringing the workers
revolution nearer to realization. my ather did not
intervene, either because he did not know, or because he
thought I should be ree to decide or mysel.
A year passed, with my links to my new riends
becoming ever stronger, as is oten the case in a
clandestine endeavor. However, my ideological
convictions grew weaker. I listened to political discussions
and heard arguments that had not occurred to me
previously. I came upon other philosophical books that
contradicted the ideas o marx and Ingels. moreover,
the secrecy o our activities began to trouble me, as i
it signaled a lack o honesty, although I did not quite
understand the nature o that lack.
Iectures by Ieibovitch and Schaechter
I was already in the nth or sixth grade. In school, rom
time to time we would be invited to lectures by university
proessors, one o whom was the late Yeshaya Ieibovitch,
a renowned orator, who was both an orthodox ]ew and a
well-known researcher in biology and philosophy. I recall
a brilliant lecture by Ieibovitch on his theme Idealism and
materialism. I am not sure that I understood everything,
38
but or the nrst time I heard a strong, rational argument
against materialism. I saw that Ieibovitch held a world
view, an ideology that was not less comprehensive than
that o marx, and probably closer to contemporary
science.
Now I aced a dilemma. I was personally attached to
my riends in the clandestine organization, but I no
longer shared their political views. I put some questions
to them and saw they had trouble answering. 1hey, in
turn, said they elt that my allegiance to my ather was
innuencing me and suggested that we part company. I
was disappointed but relieved.
Dr. ]oseph Schaechter was a teacher in the upper grades
o our school, then considered as one o the best schools
in the country. many ]ewish scientists, philosophers
and men o letters ned to Ialestine rom Nazi Germany,
Austria, and czechoslovakia beore World War II
broke out, due to consistent persecution by the Iascist
authorities. 1he Hebrew University in ]erusalem, then
the only university in the country, could not employ
all, or even most o them. Some, like Dr. Schaechter,
became secondary school teachers. Others had to take
up incongruous occupations like taxi drivers. Ior many
years there was a well-known taxi station in Haia that
was staed exclusively by ex-university proessors
rom Iurope. moreover, the husband o a well-known
school principal rom another city, 1el-Aviv, also an ex-
university proessor rom Germany, worked as a street
cleaner. He maintained his job until pension and proudly
displayed his broom and scoop in his apartment.
Our school and other schools benented considerably
rom these unortunate circumstances. However we,
as youngsters, did not yet understand nor appreciate
this. In sixth grade, the students barely listened to Dr.
39
Schaechter, who taught unpopular subjects such as Bible
and ]ewish philosophy, despite his eorts to quiet us down.
But when I reached seventh grade, my attitude towards
him changed. During the 1en Days o Repentance (the
period between the ]ewish New Year and Yom Kippur,
the Day o Atonement) he was invited to lecture to the
upper grade students in the school auditorium, on the
subject o repentance. Something in the way he spoke and
the things he said captured my attention.
He began by describing what he called Iron curtains
that separate us rom a divine radiation that comes
rom the cosmos. 1hese Iron curtains, he said, are our
belies, views, and ideologies, which deny the existence
o this radiation, by materialistic or other arguments.
In his view, the 1en Days o Repentance did not consist
mainly o repenting or specinc deeds. 1hat we could do
whenever the occasion arose. Repentance during the ten
days, he said, consisted primarily in giving up those views
and ideologies and opening up to the divine radiation that
reaches us rom the cosmos.
While listening I renected on my juvenile proo o
the non-existence o God. Was that an Iron curtain
And what about my views during my association with
Historical materialism 1here was something in the
way he spoke about the divine cosmic radiation, a deep
humility, an honesty that I immediately appreciated. Ior
the nrst time I elt the presence o a higher world and
the need to drop whatever arguments and views negated
that presence.
Schaechters Disciple
I began to watch Dr. Schaechter at school. I saw a group
o eighth graders, who accompanied him in the breaks
40
between lectures. 1hey walked slowly alongside him until
he would suddenly make an about turn. 1he pupils would
continue by inertia, realize he had turned and hasten back
to catch up with him. It was a somewhat comical aair.
Still, I joined them during the next break. Schaechter
would invite pupils to his apartment, to read philosophical
texts together: martin Buber, Iudwig Wittgenstein, and
a philosopher I had not heard o - Soren Kierkegaard. I
attended those meetings regularly and soon ound mysel
to be his most constant adherent. I began to visit him
every aternoon. We would read philosophical texts and
the articles he wrote, rom time to time. Or we would
go or a walk together and I would ask questions and he
would answer them. I introduced some o my close riends
to him and they would oten join us.
1o this day I regard Schaechter as my nrst and most
important spiritual teacher. my association with him
occurred at the right age, I had a desire to learn and ound
in him a ountain o scholarship and inner understanding.
Since he had studied mainly in Vienna, his main sources
were in German. I spoke a little German already and, in
order to read his sources, I quickly mastered enough o the
language to read books nuently. 1ogether with another
senior student o his we undertook the publication o a
Kierkegaard anthology in Hebrew. We could not read
the Danish original, but chose passages and translated
rom a combination o Inglish and German translations.
1he anthology was printed by a serious publisher while I
was in eighth grade.
my strongest impression rom that period is the
recollection o a lucidity that descended on me ater
exchanges with Schaechter, in which I asked a question
that really disturbed me and he answered it. By that
time a certain rapport had been established between us.
41
I seem to have divined, thanks to his presence, the right
questions, and he would zoom in on the appropriate
answer, once more partly thanks to my questioning. He
had a wie and a son who was about ten years old then, but
in some sense I was his spiritual son during that period.
I sometimes wondered how my parents accepted my
intensive association with Schaechter. 1hey certainly
preerred it to my ormer relations with the clandestine
Socialist political circle. Ierhaps they also appreciated
the breadth o learning I acquired, directly or indirectly,
through him - international and ]ewish literature,
philosophy, and history o science, as well as the various
]ewish scriptures. Schaechter was ormerly a member
o the Vienna circle - a leading Neo-Iositivist academic
philosophical center - where he wrote his doctoral thesis
under moritz Schlick. But at the same time he was also a
rabbi and a graduate o the ]ewish rabbinical seminary in
Vienna.
Yet my mother, who was also acquainted with
Iuropean literature and knowledgeable about it, was
most certainly upset, deep inside, by my preerence or
someone else. my ather, I think, was more liberal in these
matters. Yet he too was certainly unhappy about my
voluntary choice o Schaechter as a spiritual ather.
During that period I discovered a new world o
letters - poetry, prose, and contemplation. I read
literature in the original languages and was ascinated
by Goethe, Hoeldrlin, Imily Dickinson, and the lesser-
known Austrian poet, Georg 1rakl. I read everything
by Hermann Hesse and in particular his magister Iudi
(1/. c/. B..! c.c.), which I greatly admired. I also
read Iranz Kaka, Heinrich Von Kleist, the Swiss author
Gottried Keller, and the Austrian Adalbert Stiter,
in the original German. I was deeply impressed by the
42
major works o 1olstoy and Dostoevsky, although I had
to read them in translation. I read (though I now believe
I did not really understand some o these authors at the
time) Ilato, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, as I have already
mentioned, Heidegger, Sartre and - then still in Inglish
- camus m,// ./ ,//. I read and greatly admired the
last part o Wittgensteins 1.././. In addition, under
Schaechters tutorship, I read many traditional ]ewish
thinkers, as well as the original ]ewish scriptures. 1his
legacy still plays a central, though perhaps not a unique,
role in my spiritual world, and I shall return to the ideas o
some o these authors in later chapters.
What were the central ideas that I, as well as others,
learned rom Schaechter His chie concern was or
what he called meaning. contemporary culture is
preoccupied with science, technology, and the material
world, but does not care about meaning, the meaning
o our individual and collective lives. Ior him meaning
was somehow related to the presence o a higher world
in our experience o ourselves and o others. 1hat was the
original signincance o religion. He was a traditionalist
in religious matters, that is, he ollowed the precepts o
orthodoxy, coming as he did rom an orthodox home
in Galicia. However, he was opposed to contemporary
orthodoxy, or its ailure to make religion relevant to
everyday modern lie, insisting instead on dated customs
and concerns. In many o these aspects he was ar ahead o
his times.
Under Schaechters innuence we ultimately set up
a garin (nucleus group) o a uture settlement that
wandered or several years to various kibbutzim, until it
nnally settled in Yodat. Schaechter remained in touch
with the members o Yodat ater I had let or other
endeavors. He used to come there during the major
43
]ewish estivals and, rom time to time, would speak to
the members o the younger generation. In Yodat a little
apartment was set aside or him and his wie and they were
treated with love and respect. Schaechter passed away in
his early seventies and was buried in Yodats cemetery.
I attended the uneral. 1he cemetery was in a sheltered
spot among the pine trees. A cool breeze was blowing in
the trees and there was silence during the proceedings. I
remember thinking that i it mattered where you were
buried, then this was certainly the place.
44
chapter 3: Alona

A Garin is Iormed
1WO OR 1HRII years ater the establishment o the
State o Israel, the pioneering spirit was still prevailing.
1he most acclaimed path or a young graduate o high
school was to join a garin (literally a nucleus), a group
o young people who did their compulsory army service
together and then joined an existing kibbutz or, with the
blessing o the authorities, established a new kibbutz.
However, it became clear to me and some o my riends
that this situation could not persist or long. 1he newly
created state had many other needs, besides agricultural
communal settlements - army, industry, education, and
government. 1he pioneering spirit, we argued, would
have to give way to other, broader motivations. Besides,
the waves o newly arrived immigrants rom muslim
countries, as well as Holocaust survivors, were not moved
by the pioneering spirit, and most o them would not nnd
their way to a kibbutz.
1he important question or some o us who graduated
rom the youth movement during that period was
whether communal settlements like the kibbutz had
become a thing o the past or whether they could be
resurrected under a dierent ideology and motivation.
more concretely, could the ideas we learned rom Dr.
Schaechter become the basis or a new interpretation
o the communal settlement and a new motivation or
joining it
I tried to put this question to Schaechter, but he was
not amiliar enough with the kibbutz ideology, since he
was not himsel a pioneer. Also, he was mainly interested
in education, seeing himsel as too old to start on a new
45
path, as a teacher in a kibbutz. 1hus it was necessary or
us to explore the entire question on our own. I was less
than 18 years old, but I was quite certain that I possessed
the necessary qualincations or such an endeavor. 1his
was, in part, the amiliar boldness o an overly sel-assured
youth. But it had also something to do with Schaechter
himsel.
Schaechter had a persistent tendency to criticize
other intellectuals, in particular popular ]ewish and
revered celebrities. Ior instance, whenever Iinstein
was mentioned, Schaechter would say, Iinstein is a
great physicist, but when he starts talking about other
topics, such as religion or philosophy, you suddenly see
that Iinstein is an idiot: Schaechter would repeat this
a number o times, with evident relish. 1hat was also
his view o other celebrities, such as Sigmund Ireud. O
course we, his young ollowers, were unable to judge
or ourselves his sharp criticisms and denunciations.
However, we were happy to join in and applaud him. Ior
i we shared his view that Iinstein was an idiot, how much
more sophisticated and wise we ourselves must be. We
developed a similar derogatory attitude towards many
o our companions in the youth movement, who did not
share our enthusiasm or Schaechter and his ideas.
Schaechter came rom a small town in Galicia, where
he was considered a brilliant religious scholar. In search
o broader education he moved to Vienna, where he had
to carve out a place or himsel with meager nnancial and
social means. Iollowing the rise o Iascism in Austria, he
was orced to leave once more and go to Ialestine, where
again he was at a disadvantage. Some brilliant immigrant
scholars were oered academic positions, while he, like
many o the others, had to make a living with dinculty,
as a high school teacher. He elt that he had a spiritual
46
message, but was rejected by many o his contemporaries,
in particular by the intellectual elite. By way o reaction he
developed that sharp, derogatory attitude towards those
who, in his judgment, enjoyed undeserved recognition
and acceptance. I was unaware o all this at the time and
developed, or my own part, a sel-important attitude
similar to that o Schaechter. I imitated him in various
ways, even adopting his style o handwriting.
I served in the youth movement, as a group leader to
youngsters two years my junior. Naturally I ound them
to be more receptive to my new ideas than those in my
peer group. Still, adherents o Schaechterism, also known
as Schaechterists, constituted a minority, even among
those youngsters, while in my peer group there were only
three or our o us Schaechterists. Initially, we were not
very sure what we actually wanted. However, it became
clearer during our discussions among ourselves, with our
ollowers, and with Schaechter.
Alona and her Innuence
As I have already indicated, the town o Haia lies on the
slope o a hill called mount carmel. It is believed to be
the same mount carmel mentioned in the bible, where
Ilijah had his contest with the prophets o Baal. 1he top
o the hill is called the carmel proper, while the slope is
mainly another quarter, Hadar Ha-carmel, or just Hadar
or short. 1he Boy Scout movement, like our Reali High
School, had dierent branches, one in Hadar and another
on the carmel proper. I lived in Hadar and was a group
leader there. my closest riend Yossi, also a Schaechterist,
lived and was a group leader on the carmel. He also had
ollowers among the youngsters he led, one o whom was
Alona.
4
Alona came rom a amous and revered amily rom
Kibbutz Kar Giladi, the Shohats, who were among the
ounders o the organization called Ha-Shomer, 1he
Watchman, young men who volunteered to deend the
earliest ]ewish settlements in Ialestine, mostly on horse-
back. Her grandmother, maniah Shohat-Wilbuschevitch,
was renowned in Ialestine o that period or her
revolutionary role in 1sarist Russia. At a certain point she
had been in prison there, tried and sentenced to death,
but pardoned, on condition that she leave Russia. 1hat
was when she emigrated to Ialestine.
Ha-Shomer was later superseded by the Haganah,1he
]ewish sel-deense, orerunner o the Israeli Deense
Iorces, the IDI. Alonas ather was a high-ranking oncer
in the IDIs newly established air orce, and he committed
suicide, apparently on romantic grounds.
At 16, Alona was an exceptional girl, not just or her
striking good looks and intelligence, but because o her
mysterious link with nature. When she walked in the
pine groves that covered parts o mount carmel, small
animals, and sometimes larger ones would come to her.
1here was a deep quiet about her, as i she exuded calm,
even when she laughed. Yossi and I admired her without
actually alling in love with her. She was somehow beyond
the reach o our love. Her romantic aairs later took her
ar away rom us. She always predicted her own uture:
When I am grown up, I shall not be as I am now, I shall
not be good. We believed her, although we did not
understand.
I remember coming to her home once. 1here were three
o us - Yossi, Yehuda, who was another boy her age, and
mysel. We oten went to her place to discuss things with
her. Her position was somehow unique, not unlike that
o Schaechter. We accepted whatever she said as nnal, as
48
i she had some mysterious relation with higher sources.
She used to speak sparingly during such meetings, but
this time she was silent. Oten, when several people
meet, silence is awkward. But this time, in her presence,
there was nothing o that. No one elt an urge to break
the silence. We sat comortably, not saying a word. 1his
lasted or a rather long time, about an hour or an hour and
a hal. 1hen it was time to go. We rose and let, smiling at
her, still without saying a word. It took us some time ater
we let to begin speaking again.
Irom Schaechter we learned about a higher world
and its presence in our lives. He also extended to us his
exceptional clarity o thinking. Irom Alona we received
the direct experience o nature and the ability to listen to
our intuitions and eelings. consequently, our ideological
perceptions consisted o three existential dimensions:
1he divine or I vis-a-vis God, nature, or I vis-a-vis the
world, and the community or I vis-a-vis the other. 1he
goal o our envisaged kibbutz, our communal settlement,
would be to acilitate the development and extension o
these three dimensions by living together in a natural
environment and cultivating the soil. We did not consider
ourselves as responding to any particular requirement or
demand o the state or the Zionist movement, except as
an experiment that could perhaps be extended in uture
to other communities and regions.
1he question arose o where to settle down and realize
our ideas. Usually the authorities, the ]ewish agency,
would decide i and where to send a new garin. We
doubted that the authorities would recognize a dierent
kind o community such as ours as a legitimate candidate
or a new settlement. 1hen Alona intervened. She said
that near Kar Giladi, the kibbutz in the north were she
was born, there was an ancient archeological site called
49
Abel. It is surrounded by a grove, where a spring wells
up each winter, creating a tiny brook. It is called the
Opening Spring. 1he site was uninhabited and the
members o Kibbutz Kar Giladi would, according to
Alona, certainly welcome us to settle there.
Kar Giladi and Naama
Since Alona had said it, we did not doubt that we would
indeed settle in Abel. We made several trips to the place
and ound it to be very pleasant. During that period we
separated rom our original group in the Boy Scouts,
and established our own garin, which we named Yuval.
1here were about twenty o us, most o whom were still
in school. Others served in the army. I was exempt rom
army service, due to my eye problems, so I decided to
go to Kar Giladi, to establish relations with our uture
neighbors. I was 19, with only a high school education.
But there was such a shortage o teachers in that initial
period o statehood, that, based on the quality o the
school rom which I had graduated and my personal
academic achievements, I was oered a temporary license
to teach. Ior similar reasons an external school was set
up in Kar Giladi, or students rom new settlements
who wished to graduate rom high school. I applied or
a teaching position there and was accepted. I was also
oered a group leadership position with the local kibbutz
youngsters, who went to a dierent school rom the one in
which I was to teach.
I received a tiny room. 1he door was more reminiscent
o a cupboard door than a door leading into a room.
1he room was not much wider than a bed and just long
enough or a little table at the end o the bed. But I was
quite satisned with the arrangement. I took my meals in
50
the common dining hall, together with the other kibbutz
members, and soon became acquainted with several o
them.
One man I came to admire was Haim. He was an elderly
high school teacher, whom I consulted about the material
I was going to teach and the sources I should use. I was
astounded by his breadth and depth o knowledge, which
I did not expect rom someone in a remote, northern
kibbutz, ar rom academic libraries. It turned out that
Haim possessed an enormous private library, mostly in
Yiddish: Until I met him, I was unaware o the extent
o the erudition contained in the contemplative Yiddish
literature that had been written in the period between the
two world wars, and which was now becoming extinct,
due to rivalry on the part o Inglish and Hebrew. I dont
know how Haim acquired this library. It must have been
brought rom some ]ewish institute in Ioland during the
war, but he made good use o it.
Alona told me that in Kar Giladi there was a girl close
to my age who, in her view, was really worth meeting.
Having arrived, I immediately looked or her. Naama was
still in the upper grade o high school and we immediately
became a couple. I cannot even say i I actually loved her,
because the recommendation o Alona was so decisive or
me that I did not bother to stop and consider. Naama had
a large amily in Kar Giladi - her parents, three younger
sisters, and two married aunts. I was warmly received by
the amily and the solitude and desolation o my rugal
living quarters were alleviated somewhat.
I began teaching students who were about two years
my junior. I was also acting as a group leader or Naama
and her classmates, who were almost my age. Since then
I have held several high school and academic teaching
positions, but the brightest and most proound student
51
I ever had was Amos, who is still my riend today, many,
many years later. I tried to teach in the spirit o the ideas
I learned rom Schaechter, as well as their application to
the new kind o kibbutz we were contemplating. As was
the case in the ormer groups o the Boy Scout movement,
several o my students and some o those whom I was
supposed to guide became enthusiastic adherents o these
ideas, including Naama and Amos. Others were neutral
or became outright critics.
Accusations and Verdict
I wrote to my riends, Yossi, who was in the army at the
time, and Yehuda, still an eighth grader at the Reali High
School in Haia, about the situation in Kar Giladi, and
how many o my new young associates could be counted
on or our uture communal settlement, Garin Yuval. Ior
some reason I did not like the tone o my letter. Ierhaps
I ound it too conspiring, so I threw it in the waste basket
and wrote another. I did not know that I had already
aroused the suspicion o some members o the kibbutz,
and that my waste basket was being searched. I noticed
that some o the little kibbutz children would run ater
me on my way to the dining hall shouting the Indian
garin, the Indian garin. I later learned that they were
told that my associates and I were planning a new kind
o communal settlement that would unction as an ideal
garin. 1hey did not catch the exact wording and replaced
it with the Indian garin.
In those days the Socialist and Zionist doctrines o the
kibbutz were still widely adhered to by the membership,
and, as is common in small communities, there was
a certain undamentalist strictness about them. Any
unauthorized digressions were considered heresy. So
52
my associates and I were summoned beore the young
generation o kibbutz members in a kind o court
proceedings. I was seated alone on what was to signiy the
deendants chair. Opposite me, about 40 or 50 young
kibbutz members, all my seniors, were seated in rows.
my associates, who were not accused directly, occupied
the wings. 1o my surprise, a renowned teacher rom an
adjacent kibbutz, whom I greatly admired, played the
role o prosecutor. I seriously tried to convince him that
the accusations were without oundation, since I had
not mailed the amous letter, but had thrown it in the
wastebasket. 1his was actually a weak counter argument.
1he unanimous decision was to stop my work as a teacher
and expel me rom the kibbutz.
Beginning communal Iie 1ogether
I continued to visit Naama, trying to remain as
inconspicuous as possible, except to her amily. When
the school year ended and compulsory army service was
to begin, we ormally created Garin Yuval and obtained
authorization or its inclusion in the ramework o
NAHAI, an army brigade that alternated between
regular army service and agricultural work, in a kibbutz
on the countrys border. We were directed to Kibbutz
1el Yitzhak, where we began our communal lie. Alona
was not among us. In act she never joined Garin Yuval.
She went to America, married, divorced, and remarried.
She had one daughter. I met Alona a ew times ater that,
and she always spoke and acted as i we had last seen each
other yesterday. She was deeply involved in the aairs
o the Sixties - the Ilower children, music, spirituality,
drugs, and ree love. Iinally she divorced a second
time and turned to religious orthodoxy. A woman who
53
had known Alona since her youth let her a substantial
inheritance. She used the money to secretly help people in
need. She died o cancer in her sixties.
So we were living and working in 1el Yitzhak. In the
evenings, ater supper in the dining hall, we would gather
on the grass outside, beneath the tall trees. In Kar Giladi
there was a well developed classical musical culture.
Naama and her riends brought this culture with them and
shared it with all o us. We would sing melodies by Bach,
mozart, and mendelssohn, oten in harmony. When we
had exhausted these, we would turn to ]ewish traditional
songs and the more serious modern ones. 1his would go
on or hours every evening, until at last we would disperse
and go to bed.
Something disturbed me about these evenings together.
1hey always began well, with energy and attention spent
on the choice o melodies and on their perormance. As the
evening progressed, however, the atmosphere became less
ocused. Ieople would begin to talk among themselves,
the songs were o a markedly lesser and lesser quality, and
the evening continued to spiral downward, until the get-
together disintegrated.
1oday I would accept such a situation as natural,
nnding nothing wrong with it. At the time, as a
consequence o my youth and inexperience, I consistently
strived or perection, and this progressive disintegration
impressed me as being less than perect. I pointed out
my observations to my riends, who had to admit their
veracity. I argued that the problem was a result o the lack
o a clearly denned time rame. 1he period ater supper
was constrained only by the need to go to sleep and could
drag on almost indennitely. I thereore suggested that we
get together, not ater supper, but beore it, to sing a ew
selected songs together. 1hen we would go to the dining
54
hall with the kibbutz members, but sit separately at two
or three o our own tables. 1o urther avoid progressive
disintegration, we would keep silent during these meals.
When I pondered these plans it occurred to me that
they were not unlike a kind o religious ceremony, an
evening prayer. Orthodox prayers, as ar as I could
remember, were lengthy aairs, loaded with barely
comprehensible medieval texts that took hours to go
through. But that was certainly not the original orm
o an evening or any other collective prayer. I went to
see Schaechter. He maintained that the original orm
o a ]ewish religious service, as portrayed in the bible,
did not include a spoken prayer at all. It was a careully
orchestrated priestly service, consisting mainly o
sacrinces, perormed without public presence. Only
during the Second 1emple period, ater the exile o several
generations in Babylon, the synagogue was instituted.
consequently, public presence in the Second 1emple
became sanctioned and music, song, and liturgical prayers
were introduced.
It occurred to me that the roots o ]ewish religious
service could be ound in the Israelites orty years o
wandering in the Sinai desert, ater leaving Igypt and
receiving the 1en commandments on mount Sinai. 1he
1emple during that period consisted o the Sacred 1ent,
which could be dismounted and carried rom camp to
camp. 1here was no public presence inside the Sacred
1ent either, but the people could witness the descent o
the cloud o Reverence on that Sacred 1ent.
According to the Book o Numbers, the Sacred 1ent
contained a table, on which two loaves o bread were kept.
A lamp with seven candles would be lit by the priest every
evening, illuminating the table. I saw in this a possible
beginning. 1oday we light with electricity. candles
55
are an anachronism. Also, we are not going to keep the
community out o the place o service. Iveryone should
be present. Instead o many songs we shall sing but one.
Similarly, instead o saying many prayers we shall recite a
single liturgical text.
56
chapter 4: Garin Yuval
1he Ivening Irayer
OUR NIW IDIAS were not realized in 1el Yitzhak, but
in another kibbutz to which we were directed - Ramat
Rachel, actually a semi-agricultural suburb o ]erusalem.
1here our conditions improved somewhat, in comparison
to 1el Yitzhak. We received a small house to serve as our
clubhouse. Also, we were given permission to eat supper
at separate tables in the communal dining hall. Several
days ater arriving in Ramat Rachel, we tried out our
ceremony o a common evening prayer. We decided to
assemble outside o the clubhouse, to go in together and
stand acing one wall, where we had already placed a lamp
that shone on a table covered with a white cloth. On the
table was a basket with two ordinary loaves o bread. We
were to sing a single song set to a melody by Bach, the
words being Iet us sing Hallelujah. 1hen we were to
read the 23rd Isalm, 1he Iord is my Shepherd.
I distinctly remember the nrst evening we tried this out.
We assembled outside the clubhouse. 1he atmosphere
was tense, with a mixture o ear and expectation. Upon
entering the room with the table and the lamp, two o
the girls burst into an uncontrollable and interminable
nt o laughter, which nnally led them to run away. Ater
they let I remember joining in the Bach melody with a
strongly beating heart. 1hen all o us recited the 23rd
Isalm together. Ater several moments o silence we
turned and let or the dining hall. 1here we sat together
or a silent meal, interrupted rom time to time by
requests or more tea, the bread basket, etc. Otherwise
there was silence.
What we used to call 1he Ivening Irayer soon
5
became routine. 1he anxiety was gone and there were no
urther nts o laughter. Instead, the evening prayer and
the silent meal ollowing it became the ocal point o our
entire day, so much so that those who returned to their
parents homes or a ew days, or let or other outside
activities, elt they were missing something. We started
to plan urther individual and communal events with
similar aims, a process that extended beyond Ramat
Rachel to other places to which we were later sent. One
was a morning prayer, to be recited by each o us out
loud and out o doors. It consisted o the nrst verses o
Genesis I, In the beginning the Iord created heaven and
earth. We did not expect it to be observed as strictly as
the evening prayer, since it was to be an individual aair.
Nevertheless, it also became an integral part o many
o our days together. Another more complex issue was
conduct on the Sabbath. On the eve o the Sabbath we
replaced the two loaves o bread in the prayer hall with
new ones. By that time they were green with mold. We
elt badly about the mold, since it made our ceremony
look a bit ridicules, but ound no better solution, since
changing the loaves daily would be a waste o ood.
Anyway, the question o our conduct on the Sabbath itsel
still remained open.
1he Sabbath
1he Sabbath o the Israelites in the desert, to which we
looked or guidance, consisted simply o what we would
today call calm, rest, and meditation. Sit each o you
where he is. Iet no one leave his place on the Sabbath.
Iater these injunctions were interpreted somewhat
dierently, since their original meaning must have been
too dincult to put into practice, particularly as it was
58
necessary to go to synagogue, so that leaving ones place
was unavoidable. In our search or perection during
that period, we nevertheless decided to try spending
the Sabbath in calm, rest, and meditation. But we soon
encountered problems. We wanted to read the weekend
newspaper, since we didnt have any other opportunities
or receiving inormation about the outside world. But
reading the newspaper meant going into other, ar and
very dierent worlds, and certainly not staying were we
are.
Iven reading a good novel, such as f../.c, by Selma
Iagerloe, a book we greatly admired in those days,
could not be taken as realizing the injunction to stay put.
In act, reading was a sure way o leaving your place in
avor o somewhere else, such as the Sweden o Ingmar
Ingmarson, the central character in f../.c. Ierhaps
it would be better to go or walks in the area, instead o
remaining shut up in our rooms and reading whatever we
could lay our hands on. But this would already constitute
a compromise, something we wished so much to avoid.
1he Vineyard
Our work in Ramat Rachel was mainly in the nelds,
orchards, and vineyards. 1hese were all irrigated with
sprinklers using treated ]erusalem sewage. When working
in the vineyards you could not avoid being soaked by this
sewage water. 1he younger kibbutz members did not like
this work, so we had to do it, together with one or two o
the kibbutz elders. I worked or a long time with one o
them, Reuben, a very coarse type rom the Ukraine, who
told me his version o the acts o lie. He did not look
like a ]ew and had probably spent the Second World
War with the Russian partisans, who did not care much
59
or ]ews. Reuben told me repeatedly what a good wie he
had, but that she should never hear how good she was. He
described rural lie in the Ukraine, how the young gentile
masha, the shikse, would enter the cow shed to milk
the cows, upon which the young Ivan, who was chopping
wood, would put down his axe, ollow her into the cow
shed and emerge ater a ew minutes, closing his trousers.
Despite his coarseness there was something honest
about Reuben and I came to like him. Ater a ew months
o working together in the vineyard, he let or another
job in the kibbutz and I was placed in charge o the entire
vineyard. It was a large plot with dark, late-ripening
grapes that were sent to market ater most o the other
varieties. We had to spray the ripening grapes with
chemicals against ruit nies or else the grapes would be
greatly damaged. At that time the chemicals in use were
very toxic and once again the younger kibbutz members
reused to do the spraying, so we had to do it, wearing
masks and protective coats. Once I became so angry when
I learned that we had to do the spraying alone, that I burst
into tears. I remember Reuben, when he heard about it,
telling me that women cry to make peace while men cry
rom anger.
1he grapes had a rich, spicy taste, perhaps due to the
act that they were irrigated with sewage water. When
it was almost time or the pick, the government imposed
a control on ood prices, including grapes, to avoid a
urther rise in the cost o living index. 1he controlled price
meant a heavy loss or the vineyard, i we proceeded with
the pick. But i we waited too long the grapes would be
overripe and almost worthless. I decided to wait. Ivery
day I would check the sugar content o the ripening
grapes, to see i we could wait any longer. One day,
while the price control was still in orce, I elt the grapes
60
becoming sot. I checked more vines. All the grapes were
sotening. What a pity: 1hey could not be saved.
more Books and Ieople
Shaechter gave me a strange book, /o .o! A/co, by
the ancient chinese statesman Iu Bu-Wei, translated into
German by the well-known chinese scholar o German
origin, Richard Wilhelm. 1he book went through the
our seasons, each divided into three months. Ior each
season and each month it denned the dominant color, the
dominant musical note, whether the sky and earth were
benevolent or cross, what oods should be eaten, which
clothes to wear, what activities should be undertaken and
which should be avoided. 1his book had an aura o deep
harmony with nature about it, which greatly appealed to
us. Although the book was o non-]ewish origin, we tried
to nnd ways to nt the ideas into our local conditions, but
we could not come up with a workable result. In Israel
there are only two major seasons, winter and summer,
with very short intermediate periods o spring and all.
1he impact o the seasons on what people wear, eat, or
do can be elt, but modern lie makes it possible to import
ood and wear clothes that do not necessarily ollow the
rhythm o the seasons. moreover, we have lost the natural
instinct or what should be encouraged or avoided in
dierent seasons, such as going on a distant voyage,
holding a large gathering o people, undertaking new
construction, etc., as mentioned in Iu Bu Weis book.
I recently tried to locate the book, but was unsuccessul.
I did learn some interesting details in the process. 1he
name Spring and Autumn is traditionally associated with
the period o eudalism in china, between the 8th and
5th centuries Bc. It was a period when the king relegated
61
most o his authority to eudal lords, and political power
in matters relating to the whole o china were taken care
o collectively. It ended when the period o the Warring
States began.
1he /o .o! A/co annals o Iu Bu Wei is a
collection o writings by the guests o Iu Bu Wei, the
Irime minister o the state o Qin, edited by Iu Bu
Wei himsel during the late Warring States period.
1his collection is divided into three parts, 1he 1welve
Records, 1he Iight Views, and 1he Six Discussions
and it consists o one hundred and sixty articles.
It seems that Richard Wilhelm singled out one item o
this collection that dealt with government and the rhythm
o the seasons, and translated it under the name o the
entire collection. 1he name was appropriate because it nt
the central idea o the innuence o the seasons.
1he adventures o Iu Bu Wei, recorded more than
2000 years ago, are typical o the pursuit o riches and
political power throughout the ages. Iu Bu Wei began as
a traveling merchant, an occupation that was despised by
the aristocracy o the period. He seems to have been very
successul commercially, accumulating a great quantity
o gold. Subsequently he learned that, as was customary
in those days, one o the lesser sons o the king o Qin
was sent to live in ]iao, the capital o the neighboring
kingdom, to serve as a kind o hostage. He also learned
that the chie wie o the king o Qin was childless. (His
children, including the one sent as hostage, were rom
lesser wives.) 1his gave Iu Bu Wei an idea. As legend tells
us:
On returning home, he said to his ather, What is the
pront on investment that one can expect rom ploughing
nelds
1en times the investment, replied his ather.
62
And the return on investment in pearls and jades is
how much
A hundredold.
And the return on investment rom establishing a
ruler and securing the state would be how much
It would be incalculable.
Now i I devoted my energies to laboring in the nelds,
I would hardly get enough to clothe and eed mysel, yet
i I secure a state and establish its lord, the benents can
be passed on to uture generations. I propose to go serve
Irince Yiren o Qin, who is hostage in Zhao and resides in
the city o ]iao.
Bu Wei managed, by bribery and persuasion, to get the
release o Yiren, the prince o Qin rom being hostage in
]iao. He also persuaded the childless wie o the king o
Qin to adopt Yiren as her son, which made him prince
regent o Qin. In the meantime, Yiren discovered a
beautiul and enticing girl among the servants o Bu Wei
and asked or her, making her his wie. She bore him a son
(rumors had it that he was actually the son o Bu Wei),
destined to become the nrst emperor o china.
When the king o Qin died (or was poisoned by Yiren),
his son Yiren became king o Qin (under a dierent name)
and made Bu Wei prime minister and chancellor o the
kingdom. Bu Wei was very successul in this position,
enlarged the area o Qin and assembled, as was already
said, many leading scholars o the day in his court.
When Yiren died, his young son Zheng, then 13,
inherited the kingdom (again adopting a dierent name)
and connrmed Bu Wei in his once as prime minister.
However, his mother was getting involved in sexual
scandals and Bu Wei eared that this was menacing the
well-being and integrity o the kingdom. He devised
a complex scheme o associating her with a ake eunuch
63
who could satisy her desires. His plan succeeded, and
the queen dowager bore the ake eunuch two sons and
installed him in a position o power in the kingdom.
However, he became progressively bold and seems to
have challenged the authority o the king. In response,
the king overpowered him and had him, his two sons, and
all his relatives executed. Bu Wei was spared, but exiled.
Still, earing subsequent execution, he committed suicide.
So even people in a so-called position o power who are
endowed with keen oresight, prove to be helpless against
the orces that shape human history in general and their
personal destiny in particular. It seems to me that this
applies to our times, as well as to those o the Warring
States period o ancient china. We shall return to this
topic in the last chapter o the book.
Other Ieople, Other Groups
1here were several other groups in Israel at the time whose
activities were somewhat like our own, and who tried to
establish contact with us. One was an enlarged amily
o Hungarian origin named Vactor. 1hey were extreme
vegans, who ate only grains and seeds. Ior example, they
didnt eat juicy green peppers, but only the pale seeds
inside. 1hey did not drink orange juice, but only ate the
seeds o the orange. 1hey drank water only rom springs,
o which there were only a ew that nowed naturally, or
rainwater, which they collected in underground cisterns
or wells. 1hey slept only outdoors, winter and summer,
with just a thin woolen blanket. 1o make a living they ran
64
a laundry in Haia and took in and educated young boys
who had trouble adjusting in their amilies. When they
visited us in Ramat Rachel, they tried to make us accept
their liestyle. It was, I recall, a cold winter evening, yet
they insisted on sleeping outdoors, like they were used to.
I can still see their thin bodies and hear their Hungarian
accents.
One day a letter arrived rom a clandestine religious
organization called 1he Ilame o God. 1he letter
suggested we meet, i we were prepared to ollow their
instructions about a meeting place. A ew o us went.
1hey arrived at a place deep inside an ultra-orthodox
quarter o ]erusalem. Ater several roundabouts
calculated to make you lose directions, they entered a
small room. On the table was a well-known book, 1/.
1.o,., by one o the leaders o the Hassidic movement.
1here they encountered two young men, roughly our
age, who described themselves as students at the Hebrew
University who had chosen to become ultra-orthodox,
according to the precepts o that same Hassidic rabbi.
1here was a short exchange, in which our people described
our search and our mode o lie. It was decided to arrange
a meeting between one o them, Adin, who was their
leader, and me, in Haia.
I remember that meeting well. It was during the period
in which I was deeply convinced that our path was the best
option or integrating the best o the pioneering spirit and
the mainly ]ewish religious ideas o Schaechter. We were
walking down the streets o Hadar in Haia. Adin told me
that he was a student o physics at the Hebrew University.
I liked him and the way he spoke. I brieny described
what we had learned rom Schaechter and how we were
trying to nnd the right approach in our daily lie in the
kibbutz. He listened silently, without interrupting me.
65
1hen he began to speak. He said that what we were doing
was a grave mistake. Religious precepts, ceremonies,
and prayers were not something or people to invent,
according to their current understanding. 1hey were
sacred procedures that possessed not only human, but
cosmic repercussions. By ailing to ollow the traditional
]ewish procedures to the letter, we were causing more
cosmic harm than that done by outright atheists.
What he said was the opposite o everything Schaechter
stood or. It meant that we, in Israel, should adopt the
detailed religious practices o generations o Diaspora
]ews, without attempting to make them meaningul
to contemporary lie. Besides, at that time I had little
knowledge o the Iurianic Kabbalah, which ormed the
theoretical basis or his accusations. I was thus inclined
to reject his view altogether. Nevertheless, his argument
against the ease with which I, in particular, sought
to introduce elements o religious ceremony into our
communal lie struck home, and I have never orgotten it.
Neveh Ilan
In the meantime we moved rom Ramat Rachel to Neveh
Ilan, a kibbutz that was practically deserted. most o the
amilies had let, some or a nearby moshav, and some or
the city. 1hey were mainly o Irench origin, people who
had participated in the Irench underground resistance
during World War II. 1wo people rom adjacent
kibbutzim were appointed as caretakers o the equipment
and grounds and we were to provide the necessary
manpower or continued maintenance o the kibbutz. We
were almost alone in Neveh Ilan, with a ew remaining
amilies o the original settlers. 1he kibbutz was on the
slope o a hill, on the top o which was an old building,
66
known as the khan, or ancient caravanserai. We turned
it into our clubhouse, continuing the way o lie we had
begun at Ramat Rachel.
It was a happy period. We had to run the kibbutz,
mainly on our own. We drove tractors, cars, and trucks,
operated agricultural machinery, learned to take clutches,
axles, and motors apart and nx them, prepared ood or
the dining hall, etc. many o us acquired new technical
skills that would come in handy in later stages o our
lives. We continued pursuing our special customs and
ceremonies and ound the old khan up the hill to be
especially suited or these undertakings. New members
joined us during that period, although our number always
remained small, about 30.
1he Scapegoat
Ivery Saturday aternoon, we would assemble in the
khan or a meeting. Oten we would read an interesting
spiritual text, ]ewish or other, or something written by
one o us or the specinc occasion. One impression that
remains with me rom these meetings, however, is not
related to the readings, but to what might be called the
scapegoat phenomenon. 1he bible describes a ceremony
carried out by the High Iriest on the eve o Yom Kippur,
the Day o Atonement. He would place his hands on the
heads o two goats and coness the sins o the people. One
o the goats would then be sent away, accompanied by a
special envoy. When they arrived at a desolate place in
the desert called Azazeel, the envoy would push the goat
down into an abyss. 1his magical procedure was supposed
to purge the people o their collective sins.
6
A scapegoat phenomenon occurred in Garin Yuval, and
has probably occurred in many other small communities
o people whose lives are closely knit. One o the members
would suddenly appear to the others to have a harmul
impact on the entire group. I only he or she could be made
to leave, things would immediately change or the better.
However, once the person in question actually let, the role
o communal scapegoat would pass to someone else.
I have already mentioned the elderly teacher Haim,
rom Kar Giladi, who possessed an extensive library o
historical, literary, and philosophical works in Yiddish.
His eldest daughter, Dalia, was a classmate o Naama,
who also joined our group. Dalia was a girl o outstanding
beauty, but there was something odd about her, as i she
was never really present, then and there. One day my
riend Yehuda told me that Dalia was not suitable or our
group and that she would have to go. I was astonished
by his decisiveness. Ater all, it was not an easy thing or
a daughter o Kar Giladi to join us in those days, when
we were ostracized by the kibbutz members. 1elling her
to go would make it even harder. But Yehuda would not
budge. 1he garin, he said, was more important than any
individual. Dalia let and she was not the last among us to
become a communal scapegoat.
One o the kibbutz members still living in Neveh Ilan
was ]acques. He was about 50, with a record o past
activities in the Irench resistance and a central position
in a Irench garin that had settled several years previously
in Neveh Ilan. He was a serious, sel-suncient person,
whom I immediately respected. I thought he might be
persuaded to stay and join Garin Yuval, despite the age
dierence between him and us. One day I went to see
him in his house. I asked him about the Irench garin and
why it had disintegrated. 1hen I described our garin, our
68
ideas, what we had learned rom Schaechter and how we
conducted our daily lives. ]acques listened attentively.
1hen he said, Iets meet in twenty years and then see.
1his rebuttal was a hard blow, because there was nothing
I could say. Whatever I said would be beside the point.
Nevertheless that conversation is still on my mind. Yes,
]acques. many more years than twenty have passed and
now I understand better what you meant.
Invironmental Awareness
In those days there was an ideological wave akin to our
contemporary environmental awareness. It was led by
landscape architects, such as Iouis mumord, involved in
the Regional Ilanning movement, especially as practiced
in the Netherlands, with reerence to the newly reclaimed
polders there. It also comprised the orerunners o organic
arming and other environmentally inclined ideologies.
We studied these developments as intensively as we could
and integrated them in our overall perception o the three
dimensions: man and God, man and nature, man and his
peers. Invironmental consciousness related to the second
dimension, man and nature. However, it soon renected
on a concrete decision we had to make.
1he authorities oered to let us remain in Neveh Ilan,
as our permanent place o communal settlement. We
were to receive the built-up area o the kibbutz, as well
as a hotel that belonged to the kibbutz and was currently
operated by an outside contractor. 1he adjacent arable
lands that had ormerly belonged to Neveh Ilan were
to be transerred to neighboring kibbutzim, who were
already arming them. We would receive other arable
land in exchange, situated about an hour and a hals drive
rom the kibbutz, to the south.
69
We knew very well by then that we would not be
able to settle in Abel, near Kar Giladi, as Alona had
envisioned long ago. We could also not be certain that
the authorities would let us settle on our own anywhere
else, due to our small numbers. consequently, the oer
o Neveh Ilan, despite its shortcomings, represented a
signincant opportunity or us. Nevertheless we rejected it.
1he chie reason, as ar as I remember, was the proposed
separation o the living quarters, in the hills o Neveh Ilan
near ]erusalem, rom the agricultural nelds in the prairies
to the south. We elt that the integration o people with
their environment, which we had already unsuccessully
embarked upon according to Ii Bu-Weis book, could not
be undertaken seriously with nelds such a long distance
rom our living quarters.
Our negative decision meant that Neveh Ilan would
be handed over to another group, while we had to go
elsewhere. Iirst we went to a neighboring kibbutz, Kiryat
Anavim, and then to a new project, Doshen, a arm in the
valley o Beit Shean, where we would have to nnd work
and support ourselves on our own. We would be there
alone, without an existing kibbutz to support us, but
there would be minimal housing acilities, mainly wooden
barracks.
0
chapter 5: meeting Remarkable Ieople
A Very Hot Ilace
1HI IARm A1 Doshen was a very hot place. In the summer
the thermometers in our cupboards would always show 42
degrees centigrade whenever we took them out, since this
was the daily maximum temperature in the shade. During
that period home air conditioners were still unknown, and
to cool down our rooms we would oten wash the noor
or hang up wet sheets. Beore sunrise was the coolest
and most pleasant time o day. Iooking out towards the
mountains to the west we would see gazelles coming out
o their hiding places, their silhouettes discernible against
the early morning shadows.
most o us ound work as day laborers in the
neighboring cotton nelds. But the hourly wages were
poor. I decided to benent rom my experience in the
vineyards o Ramat Rachel and obtained a proessional
job in the vineyards o Kibbutz Gesher, about hal an
hours bicycle ride rom Doshen. my hourly wage was
50 higher than that o my riends in the cotton nelds.
However I had never learned to ride a bicycle, since my
native town o Haia was built on a slope and was not
suitable or bicycle riding. I decided, nevertheless to
risk learning by doing, as the economists call it, and I
took a bicycle I ound on the arm to learn on. In those
days tranc on the main road through the valley o Beit
Shean to the ]ordan valley wasnt very heavy. I made my
way on the bicycle along the empty road, more or less
maintaining my balance, until I heard an occasional car
approaching, when, out o ear, I would stop by the side o
the road until the danger had passed.
In Doshen my riend Rani and I shared a room in one
1
o the barracks. I dont remember whether the white
German shepherd puppy we called Ianga, ater ]ack
Iondons White Iang, was Ranis or mine, but we loved
her equally. She was a cheerul, thin puppy, distinguished
by her rare snow-white ur. Whenever I returned rom
work, she would wait or me at the gate to the arm and
jump with joy and excitement. She would ollow me to
my room, licking my hands and reaching up to my ace
whenever possible. Her greeting was not unpleasant and I
became accustomed to her being the nrst to take notice o
my arrival rom work and to welcome me. One day, when
I was almost back at Doshen I heard a bus coming rom
behind. I stopped by the side o the road, as was my habit.
It was just ater a bend in the road and the bus driver must
have noticed me only at the last moment. He swerved to
the opposite side o the road. Ianga was already there,
expecting me, and the bus ran her over and continued,
without the bus driver noticing. 1here was no sound rom
her. She just lay there dead. I called Rani and we dug a
grave under a tree and buried her. I was deeply sorry, as i
a dear riend o mine had died. 1his was indeed what had
happened - my nrst encounter with death.
marriage and Iirst Academic Studies
Naama and I continued as a couple throughout our years
in 1el Yitzhak, Ramat Rachel and Neveh Ilan. Now, in
Doshen, we decided to get married. my mother did not
approve o the match, which I ascribed to her bourgeois
ideals, since Naama came rom a kibbutz and didnt have
any nnancial means. During that period kibbutz members
were not allowed to possess capital o their own, thus
they couldnt give their grown children a nnancial start.
Iven i a parent or grandparent o a kibbutz member in
2
the city died, and willed his apartment to his son, the son
could only use it temporarily. In theory, at least, such an
apartment had to be handed over to the kibbutz.
Although we were living on the arm at Doshen, the
wedding took place in Kar Giladi, where opposition
to our garin had already subsided. Iater, when Naama
became pregnant, we doubted that we would be able to
continue living at Doshen, due to the excessive heat and
other conditions unsuitable or a newborn baby.
During that period, the members o our garin elt a
need to attract new members. Schaechter was appointed
as director o the Seminary or 1eachers in Haia, and a
high school was to be built next to it. Iike the school I had
taught at in Kar Giladi, this new school was intended
mainly or the children o new immigrants living in the
newly built suburbs in the area. A veteran teacher, himsel
an immigrant rom Russia, was appointed as principal.
Yehuda and I were given teaching positions in that
school. 1his enabled Naama and me to leave Doshen and
move temporarily to Haia, where my eldest daughter,
Yael, was born.
In parallel to my teaching duties in Haia, I began
academic studies. my natural inclination was to mathe-
matics, like my ather, but I gave the humanities a try,
since a meaningul spiritual interaction with young boys
and girls, I thought, was centered there, not in the natural
sciences. So I took up history and sociology in what later
became the University o Haia. I was quite successul
academically, but ater my nrst year I became rustrated
at not having encountered any teacher o spiritual stature
comparable to Schaechter or Ieibovitch. I concluded that
in the humanities much depended on the inner quality o
the teacher, while in the natural sciences, I hoped, more
objective knowledge could be gained, even rom mediocre
3
teachers. I let the university and switched to mathe-
matics at a somewhat later date.
Ieldenkrais
At this junction in my lie I encountered new innuences.
One was moshe Ieldenkrais, a truly remarkable man.
By proession he was a physicist, who had written his
doctoral thesis in Irance, during the late 1930s, under
]oliot-curie. In parallel he had become interested in the
]apanese martial arts and practiced ]ujitsu. He attained
high ranks and wrote a booklet in Hebrew, describing
the principles o the art o sel-deense. His personal
work on issues o movement and the human body drove
him to broader research on physical dysunctions and
their healing, an area in which he proved to be a creative
genius. His nrst book, 1/. B.!, .o! m./. B./.c.,
established his reputation as an original thinker in this
neld. His most impressive contributions, however, were
his individual treatments, on one hand, and his group
exercises and instructions on the other. I joined one o
his classes and also established personal contact with
him. He told me about mathias Alexander, the stage
perormer who had lost his voice, worked on himsel in
ront o a mirror, and developed his own method o bodily
directions. Alexander became a legendary bodily healer
and instructor, developing what is known today as the
Alexander method.
Ieldenkrais also gave me two books in Irench,
I.c.o/ !o Io.o.c.o/ !o..oo, by I.D. Ouspensky
and L. k../ !. B../..//, by G.I. Gurdjie. Ieldenkrais
said that, while studying in Irance, he had not been a
disciple o Gurdjie, but he had oten met the man and
his disciples and was both impressed and repulsed by him.
4
I did not yet know Irench, but what I heard rom
Ieldenkrais encouraged me to try to read Ouspenskys
book, with the help o a dictionary and a book o Irench
grammar. I had managed a ew pages when I learned
that Inglish versions o these books were available, and
that the Irench versions were themselves translations.
While sick in bed with jaundice or three weeks, I read
both books more than once. I also wrote a summary o
the central ideas in Hebrew, which I gave to Schaechter,
who was not very nuent in Inglish. 1hat summary
later appeared as a chapter in a subsequent book by
Schaechter.
I must say that the originality and vitality o
Schaechters writing suered during that period, in
part due to his association with us. He elt that we
were realizing ideas o which he had but a theoretical
understanding. In consequence he did not allow himsel
to continue his spiritual work as beore, but dwelt
mostly on subjects that interested us, including texts we
had written, such as the above-mentioned chapter on
Gurdjie and Ouspensky. He also summarized ideas o
other thinkers or spiritual teachers that he thought were
relevant or our experiment. I was already aware o the
problem that arose or him under these circumstances,
but could not do much to solve it. 1he impact o Gurdjie
and Ouspensky, which I will elaborate on later, aected
him as well, at least or an initial period.
An Ixchange on Silence
Some years later I received an invitation to a private
meeting with Ieldenkrais, upon his return rom a visit to
]apan. 1he impression o what Ieldenkrais told us in this
meeting has remained with me.
5
Ieldenkrais went to ]apan to meet with an elderly
master o Kyogen, a traditional theatrical art. In the past
Kyogen perormances had served as light intermissions
between the more solemn No pieces, but later they
became stylized and artistic, in their own right, much like
No itsel. 1he ]apanese, according to Ieldenkrais, know
the entire repertoire o No and Kyogen perormances by
heart. 1hey come to a perormance to see how a amous
actor perorms this or that gesture, not to ollow the
stories or the entire sequence o plays scheduled or that
evening. 1hey may enter in the middle o one play, watch
another and then leave in the middle o a third. 1his is
considered normal and acceptable behavior in ]apan.
While they are watching, they also eat ood and sip drinks
they have brought with them. 1hey do not subscribe
to the Western buttoned-up style o watching theater
perormances.
1he master whom Ieldenkrais came to observe had
been declared a national treasure by the ]apanese
government. 1his status is accorded to persons considered
vital or the preservation o traditional ]apanese culture.
He was in his 80s, but every day he gave lessons to
both amateurs and proessionals, starting very early in
the morning and continuing until late in the evening.
Ieldenkrais worked with this master in his (Ieldenkraiss)
method o bodily awareness, in exchange or observing
the ]apanese masters work with his ]apanese students.
1he master worked by example and repetition. He
would take a traditional Kyogen piece, perorm one
gesture, along with the accompanying text, spoken in an
artincial, drawn out manner characteristic o the No and
Kyogen arts. 1hen each student in the class would repeat
the gesture and the text. He would then go on to the next
gesture and text, and the next, until the end o the lesson.
6
Ieldenkrais asked the master i this method did not
lead to a somewhat mechanical style o perormance. 1he
master told him that he personally started his Kyogen
studies under his ather at a very early age. Only at the
age o nty did he begin to eel that his perormance
ceased to be studied and became an integral part o him.
1his realization had caused him great satisaction, he said,
because his ather had told him that he too had had the
same experience at that age.
One o the amateur students o that master was a
amous ]apanese television star. Once, at the end o
a lesson, she approached the master with a question.
Iveryone in the room came closer to listen. Ieldenkrais
asked someone to translate what was said, but was
signaled to be quiet. Iater they explained to him that in
]apan there is a traditional art known as ma . It consists
o adjusting and listening closely to the silent intervals
between spoken words. 1he television actress and the
Kyogen master were the greatest living artists o ma in
]apan. consequently everyone was listening, not to what
they were saying, but to the silences between their words.
Gurdjie and Ouspensky
Ater my initial reading o the books by Gurdjie and
Ouspensky that I received rom Ieldenkrais, as well as
their Inglish translations, I became prooundly impressed
with their ideas. It was as i a secret treasury o knowledge
had been revealed, knowledge that superseded whatever I
had pretended to know so ar.
man, according to Gurdjie, was actually a machine,
moved by external and internal impulses. 1hat applied to
me personally and to all o us. What meaning could then
be ascribed to our idea o a collective evening prayer or