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Changing Yourself

To
Make It at Work
Second Edition

Alexander Boyd

© Copyright 2009, Alexander Boyd


All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any other means,
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the
author.
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C ontents
PREF AC E
 5


T H E BEGIN N IN G
 6

H OW A WFUL CA N IT B E ?
 6

S P IR A LLING E CONOM Y 
 8

S E P TE M B E R 11
 10

T HE JOB M A R K E T 
 10

Q UA LIFICA TIONS 
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R E CR UITM E NT CONSULTA NTS 
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H OW TO OV E R COM E THE SE THING S 
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W HE R E WA S I?
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W HA T WA S THE SOLUTION ?
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A M IX OF P R A CTICA L A ND SP IR ITUA L E X P E R IE NCE 
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A WOR LD WITH NE W V A LUE S 
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C HOICE S , CHOICE S , CHOICE S 
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WH AT DO I DO ?
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A CK NOWLE D G ING M Y P OSITION 
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A CTION B R E E D S R E SULTS 
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W HY WE R E M Y P LA NS NOT WOR K ING ?
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P R E P A R E D TO CHA NG E 
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W HE R E D O I LOOK ?
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I S THIS THE R IG HT COUR SE FOR M E ?
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A CTION D OE S B R E E D R E SULTS 
 21

S NOWB A LL 
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T HE SOUR CE S OF HE LP 
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N OT A LL THE G R E A T P E OP LE WR ITE B OOK S 
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T HE P R OFE SSIONA LS 
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C ONCLUSION 
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EXERC IS ES 
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AC T IO N L EADS T O RES U L T S 
 28



T HE R E A SONS 
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I T ’ S JUST A B OUT OUR JOB S , R IG HT ?
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T HE OTHE R TWO LE G S … 
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F A ST M OV ING W OR LD 
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I D E A S ON LOV E 
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I S THA T A LL ?
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L OTS TO D IG E ST 
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W HA T USE IS IT ?
 35

W E R E W E D ONE Y E T ?
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I NCR E D IB LE A CHIE V E M E NT 
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O NWA R D S W E M UST G O 
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3

EXERC IS ES 
 38


GET T IN G IT O U T T H ERE T O C H AN GE
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T HA T S P E CIA L S OM E ONE 
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H A NG A B OUT , W HY S HOULD I D O T HIS ?!?
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P LE NTY OF F R IE ND LY E A R S TO B E ND 
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N OT T HE E A SIE ST T HING T O D ISCUSS 
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R E M E M B E R T HE A IM 
 45

W E A R E N OT T HE O NLY O NE S 
 45

T IM E T O M OV E O N U P 
 45

N E CE SSITY I S S UR E LY T HE M OTHE R O F I NV E NTION 
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C HA NG E M E A NS CHA NG E 
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T HE JOB IS CLOSE R 
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DEC IS IO N S , DEC IS IO N S , DEC IS IO N S 
 50



J UST FOR Y OU 
 50

W HA T ’ S L E FT ?
 50

H A NG A B OUT , WHA T A B OUT THE OLD STUFF ?
 51

T OP TIP S LE A R NT THE LONG WA Y 
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P R A CTICE WHA T Y OU THINK 
 54

O M E LE TTE S A ND E G G S 
 55

N A ILING THA T CONSCIE NCE 
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S IM P LIFY ING THE M A K ING G OOD P R OCE SS 
 57

W ILL THE Y R E M E M B E R ?
 57

I T WILL IM P R OV E 
 58


EXERC IS ES 
 60


REC T IF Y AN D REPEAT 
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P E OP LE TO M E E T 
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T HR OW Y OUR SE LF A T THE IR M E R CY 
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P R OG R E SS M UST B E M A D E SOM E HOW 
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T HR E E WA Y S TO M OV ING FOR WA R D 
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A LITTLE A B OUT M Y A IM S ( A ND HOW THE Y WE R E A SK E W )
 66

R E A P THE R E WA R D S 
 67

S O WHA T D O Y OU D O ?
 69


IT ’S N O T JU S T F O R YO U 
 71

R E M E M B E R THE P R OCE SS A ND D O IT A G A IN 
 71

N OT TOTA LLY SOLITA R Y 
 72

T HE R E ’ S THE R UB 
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S TE R E OTY P E S 
 73

T HE COR E ISSUE 
 74

I NSP IR A TION 
 75

W HA T WOR K S FOR M E 
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S TILL THE SA M E P E R SON 
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4

T HE B OOK 
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S OCIE TY A ND US 
 78

T HE CY CLE 
 79


T H E EN D O F T H E BEGIN N IN G
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W E LL D ONE – NOW R E A P IT 
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W OR K WILL IM P R OV E 
 81

S OUR CE M A TE R IA LS 
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P A SSION 
 83

B ONUS TIM E 
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M ONE Y ISN ’ T THE B E A LL A ND E ND A LL 
 85

F A ULTS CA N HE LP 
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I T ’ S O UR O WN J OUR NE Y 
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I D E NTIFY THE B E NE FITS 
 86

W HA T E LSE ?
 87

S HA R E D E X P E R IE NCE S 
 88

T HINK ING OF Y OU 
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Y OUR S , T R ULY 
 89

5

P r eface

Do you want to understand more about why you feel and think the way you do about
work? Do you get confused as to why you are struggling with work, either in your job
or to find a new one? Do you wonder why there are apparently a lot of jobs
somewhere but never the right one for you? Do you lie awake at night concerned
about meeting those bills and paying to merely live? Where is your next cheque coming
from?

The credit crunch has put the squeeze on us all and we are constantly barraged with
ever gloomier reports about the job market and how many people are out of work. I
know what it’s like to be out of work and really struggling to get hired – absolute
misery especially if, like me, you were confused as to why you found it difficult to get
that new job.

After going through quite a period of such pain, I did get some great work and haven’t
really looked back since then. This has meant that I have been able to make plans and
get a footing on the housing ladder as well as furnish my resume with some meat that
makes me more attractive for future hirers.

It wasn’t easy. I had to go through a delicate and extremely painful process of self
discovery that had an unexpected result – it changed me to be able to face such a
challenge with not nearly so many concerns. I understood that a lot of the worries had
been groundless and that with my head in a straight place, I could meet the workplace
face on and not be concerned with its ups and downs.

That was then (nearly eight years ago), but the process didn’t happen overnight.

This book is the constellation of the lessons I learnt and I want to share with you to
avoid some of the pain I went through. I wrote it when I was out of work but there
are a lot of people being made redundant these days so I decided to republish.

If you have any comments, I do welcome them so please drop me a line at


aify@yahoo.com. In the meantime, I wish you well on your quest.

Yours,

Alex
6

T he B eginning

H ow aw ful can it be?

On June 4, 2001, I had a meeting with my then boss which was to prove the turning
point in my life. He didn’t have a clue – I had a hint that this might be the start of some
major changes.

Little was I to know quite how much my life was to change. Would I have taken the
same decisions again, knowing what I do now? Probably. But that was then, and I now
have the advantage of hindsight. I also didn’t know that within four hours I would be
fired.

I had been in a job that I despised for exactly a year. This may seem familiar to many
people but I really could not see the point of spending over a third of my existence
cooped up in a room I didn’t like with people who patently didn’t like me, or I them.
The pay was good, but not as good as it could have been. And that was what the
meeting was about. Life had seemed great a little over a year previously. I had just
had two of the most fantastic months of my life, working in the Belizean jungle building
a resource centre for an environmental charity. Cut off from the western idea of
civilisation, living on dried food and constantly wary of the dangers of jungle life
focussed our minds into having terrific experiences.

I have put down the lessons I have learnt during the past eighteen months in a book to
help you understand how not to go mad and give up on that perfect job. It has often
felt like an insurmountable wall. However, the job is out there and you can get it.
Whether you are in a job you don’t want to be in, or thinking that you could do better,
then read on. If you are out of work and trying to get back into a situation where your
bank manager gets off your back, than read on quickly! There are some simple lessons
in this book which, if applied thoroughly, will get you that job. The only thing you have
to do is start taking action.

The ‘job’ may well not be what you think it to be. It may well be that you end up
working in a sector you never imagined possible, earning far less than you did before.
You may end up running your own company or only having part time work. The trick is,
as well as being the aim of this book, for you to find out about yourself so that
whatever you do, you will believe fully in yourself and your abilities. If you didn’t, you
wouldn’t have turned the first page.

I believed in myself, I still do and you can, too!

So what was the situation, how had I got into it and what could I do about it? I now
had choices, but which way to go? But first I had to decide why I was making the
decision.
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I challenged my last employers because I believed they had breached my contract. I


offered the chance to make good, which was rejected, and so I told them that I would
have no option but to instigate legal action. They sacked me within a few hours, after
sending me home so they could discuss the situation. The net result was that I was out
of work a little more swiftly than I had planned, with no job offer to fall back on as
well as a reluctance from the DSS to pay out Jobseekers’ Allowance as I had been
summarily dismissed.

The actual meeting we had is now a bit of a blur, but I do remember that the director
kept on suggesting that I could always leave if I was unhappy. I knew that this would
let them off the hook too easily and I was not going to back down so quickly. This was
despite the fact that I had just spent a year with my hands tied behind my back,
labouring under a system of control that choked all kinds of creative input as well as
personal drive. And I was told in my offer that I had been hired for exactly these two
qualities! I had never been to court before, so, prior to the meeting, I had taken
advice.

My position constituted a legal case so I knew I had it as a fall back. I did not want to
go to a tribunal and believed there was an amicable solution to the problem. Although
I did not enjoy the job, I did it as best as I was allowed and there was tangible proof of
my application.

When I read the letter that sacked me, the first feeling I felt was an enormous sense
of relief. I have remembered that feeling during the bad times I have been through
since. There have been moments of doubt and worry that I wasted time entertaining.
The truth is, I was not enjoying the job and wanted something where I could exercise
my skills as well as look forward to it. I wanted to get up in the morning with a spring
in my step and a smile on my face. I wanted to race across town on my Vespa so I
could get stuck into the next challenge. I wanted to enjoy the company of my
colleagues and I wanted to laugh at work. Not much to ask for since I would be
spending the majority of my waking hours in such a state. Most of all I wanted to be
me and I was fed up with dancing to someone else’s restrictive tune.

Jumping out of a job (and let’s face it – that’s what I did) is not a decision to be taken
lightly, but also one that can be enormously emancipating. I have experienced lessons
that can only be useful to as many people as possible. I have had time to reflect on
these and have decided to distil them into a simple process that can provide results.

These are the reasons I decided to sit down and put my experiences, thoughts and
desires for the future into this book. It also is one of the most economically alarming
times in modern history and therefore a period that definitely is not one to be out of
work. These musings will help you furnish your bank account with more cash and your
worry gene with some security.
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Spir alling economy

Since boo.com went bust at the beginning of the new century, the world’s media has
talked, almost with glee, of the downward spiral that the economy will endure. All
doom and gloom, with little to cheer our spirits. Things took a little longer than the
media predicted, but that was only to be expected. However, bonuses are down this
year and there will be fewer Porsches cluttering the driveways of the city high flyers.
This has a trickle effect and naturally those not on silly salaries will also feel the bite.
There have been a lot of redundancies and unemployment will rise. Many others will
find themselves in the seemingly hapless position in which I have wallowed. This book
is aimed at helping to readjust your outlook and open your eyes to your potential
before you head for the nearest high bridge to jump off, clasping your beloved
Playstation to your chest.

Despite the relief I felt at getting out of a dreadful position, I probably chose a poor
time. People really have their eye on the summer break in June and aren’t in the mood
for throwing large amounts of money and effort at hiring new people. The evenings
are getting longer and the sun is starting to shine regularly. Of course, this doesn’t
mean that those with the hiring budget spend the whole summer looking out of the
window – it’s more a case of not all the decision-makers being in one office at one time
and so they generally have a go-slow. They tend to think “stop for now”.

Part of the problem that the companies who are hiring face is that they don’t want to
take a risk. Prevalent throughout modern society is the abdication of responsibility –
no one wants to take a decision in case it backfires upon him or her. Therefore, the
notion that everyone is away on holiday is a good excuse for putting off a decision that
may be passed onto someone else, or not need to be taken because the economic
situation changes. Of course, there is always the situation when the economy is moving
so quickly that companies are desperate to recruit and spend the next few years
embroiled in lengthy legal wrangles, usually in front of employment tribunals.
Therefore, ‘everyone’s on holiday’ is a good way of putting off a potentially costly
decision.

Another great part of the summer is that it is a time of hope. We all like to think that
this year will be a beauty and that there will be a lessening of the standard problems.
The scientists may tell us that the vitamin D in sunshine is good for the spirit but we all
know it’s because the chance to get out of work, go on holiday, have some fun in the
sun and forget about the normal British weather is more than enough to cheer us all
up. I am sure that if a study were made of people’s diaries during this time, there
would be more ‘meetings’ at the end of the day and more lunches eaten out of the
office. This is no bad thing. However, it doesn’t help those looking for work because
the potential employer may well be working on their tan when you want to talk.

There is another factor that is sure to be the death knell for finding a new job –
recession. The media have warned of a downturn in economic activity incessantly over
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the past eighteen months. Even the estate agents are consulted as to how the economy
is looking! There is a noticeably radical decline in recruitment advertising since the
internet boom of recent years. What used to be a chunky, three-part section of The
Sunday Times is now a few pages with a small selection of positions. A lot of the
bigger and older companies can take the prospect of a recession by cutting back on
‘surplus’ costs. This usually means marketing budgets and staff. People are, frankly,
being shown the door. Since a lot of the larger companies were formed by mergers
solely for the use of slashing staff and making huge payouts for the directors, this
differs little from boom periods.

But at least this time, they can justify it. As for SMEs (small to medium enterprises),
this is a worrying time as their cash flow becomes strangled. Companies are nervous
to employ new staff and so play it safe, trying to weather the clouds of recession. One
thing I have never understood about accepted wisdom (and there is a lot of so-called
wisdom – most of it based on fear) is cutting sales and marketing budgets when times
are tough. Almost hunkering down like a stubborn mule seems to be the norm.
However, a sales and marketing policy is there to drive sales – without them the
business must surely fold. Therefore, more energy needs to be pumped into this area.
What is often the case, however, is that this budget is usually spent in a less than
productive fashion so when the financial director sees it, he knows that the returns are
too low and cuts it.

This is not merely a litany of the awful conditions that we are potentially heading into.
I am trying to level a realistic viewpoint at what is, after all, another phase in life.
Most of the problems with employment belong to people’s perceptions. After all, how
many times is the first question upon meeting someone is,
“What do you do?” I respond by telling them that I get out of bed, shower, shave and
brush my teeth. I generally get a polite smile and a correction that they were asking
after my job. Now, I find it extraordinary that the further you get up the supposed
career ladder, this becomes more prevalent.

This may have come from a party I went to years ago. My sister was the grand age of
11, myself nine. As the parents arrived to pick up my sister’s guests, a frightfully
glamorous friend of my parents, who I had always had a secret crush on, turned to the
man next to her and asked the proverbial question. He was very much dressed in
scruffy attire with fraying shirt and trouser, dirty shoes. He took one look at her,
recognised the inherent snobbery in the question, and replied,

“Oh, I’m a butcher.” That was the last she spoke to him.
He was managing director of Vestey UK – about as far removed from the practice of
serving meat in a striped apron as you could get, but most definitely a (very large)
purveyor of beef.

I believe that the state of mind is far more important than the physical position.
Regardless of whether there is a million pounds in your bank account or not a penny,
how you feel will determine how you look at your situation. If you are in a foul mood,
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then life will not look great, even if you have won the lottery. If your moods are reliant
on external influences like your bank balance, yoga class, post code then there will
always be misery around the corner. If, however, you take responsibility for your own
well being, inside and out, then life will become much more enjoyable. There are a few
simple stages to achieving this and getting that job you always dreamed of. A bit of
work and you will be amazed by the results.

September 1 1

As I one-finger type my thoughts on my completely unfaithful computer, another year


has drawn to a close. Business reviews of the past twelve months are all in a muddle
because the predictions have all gone awry. We are experiencing a dreadful state of
the stock market, but the housing boom continues. Bonuses are down but retail
spending has rallied. Reports tell us that many have cashed in a chunk of the newly
acquired equity of increased value in property to have fun or merely buy stuff.

The war with Iraq may be the another stage in the uncertainty that grips the world.
The war on terror has caused fear and almost knee jerk reactions to circumstances.
Since the dreadful events of September 11, the world has seemed to be balancing on a
knife edge of fear and inevitably. Warnings are constantly issued that various countries
are too dangerous to visit and the press picks up on terrorism warnings within our
own shores. This leads to an obvious culture of general mistrust and fear.

This does not help the job seekers but this book is aimed at doing just that.

As the winter months shroud us, there is little to look forward to for a few months.
April is the traditional harbinger of promises for the forthcoming season. Dark (and
frequently wet) days keep the morale at the usual seasonal low. Bring on the summer,
I say. But there are ways of making this a productive time of year for that job hunt.

The job mar ket

There is little that I can do about this but comment on its effect on the job market.
When New York returned to work the Monday following September 11, the markets
crashed. Everyone had hoped that this would not happen because rescue from the
results seemed impossible. The economy is heading into a dire state. Even more people
will find themselves without that friendly and reassuring presence in their bank
account each month.

There really are two ways of looking at the situation. Either you can wail and beat
your chest, or you can look at this as one of the greatest opportunities of your life.

Finding work is, frankly, a royal pain in the backside. There is the mix of constantly
trawling through the trade papers, phoning every possible contact you can think of, and
banging off numerous letters to as many companies as you can possibly envisage
working for. Not a bad plan on the face of it. But if you feel uncertain, then sure as
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eggs is eggs, you will transmit this in your communication. Getting into the right frame
of mind is the first step – this change of perspective will assist you in taking the
necessary action.

Whilst there is a great deal of negative chatter about, there are still plenty of jobs to
choose from. One way to start may be to choose an industry or sector that interests
you. Do you want to work in accountancy or the law, marketing or advertising,
engineering or public service? A quick glance across any recruitment website will list a
plethora of trades and sectors, some vocational, some that will accept transferable
skills from another sector. Some question you might ask yourself could start with,
“Will I get out of bed for this? And, if so, why?” If the prospect of working in PR
excites you because of its association with the media, then perhaps the media would be
more suitable. Try not to settle for the first answer that pops into your head and, when
you are sure of an answer, do sufficient research to back it up. PR is not all about
glitzy launch parties and mingling with the rich and famous – it’s more about
generating endless press releases and badgering journalists to get them to publish
something about your client. Be honest as to whether you really want to get up on a
filthy day, with too little sleep, and still come in to do your job. Of course, you won’t be
happy everyday, but choose something that both interests you and has great prospects.

Once you have decided the sector that attracts you, determine which level you can
realistically apply for. It’s no use coming out of university with a good degree and
expecting to land a super job earning in excess of £40,000. There are very few of
these roles around and they are generally taken by exceptionally bright and driven
people who want them purely for the financial reward. There are not many people I’ve
met who slave long hours in the city of London who do it for the love of the deal. They
are attracted by the pay packet and often have a ten to fifteen year plan to leave with
their mortgage paid off and do something they really want.

Aim for something you want to be, at a level either the same or slightly higher than you
were before, dependent on your experience. If, for instance, you had six short months
as a trainee editor for a small publishing house and were laid off because the company
went bust, try not to think of yourself as a full-blown editor. Abraham Lincoln said that
there was no substitute for experience, so build it.

Once you have made a realistic appraisal of your expectations (and there will be more
on how to do this in chapter 2), write it down. Look at it. Does it make you tingle with
anticipation, boredom or fear that you over-extended your aims? Do you want to be
that position and are there enough companies who hire at that level? With the state of
the economy and the fear that prevents most companies from being bold at such a
time, there may not be a lot of openings for programmers of the latest software. The
company that fired me had a choice less than a week prior – I presented to the
directors a business plan based on their findings. This document was a very modest
projection of some potential revenue streams that they might want to open or even
revisit. Rocket science it wasn’t. Yet they determined that, whilst they largely agreed
with me, they were battening down and not risking anything. This was after they had
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received a substantial cash investment that begged for a drive to dominate their
market.

If we look back through economic history over the past thirty years we find that when
there are a lot of good job possibilities, it is generally when there is a lot of cash
flowing. The boom of the mid to late nineties has been the most consistent period of
economic growth for generations. The western world has become used to a time of
progress and consequently, when recession looms, companies panic. There is not the
culture of expansion and growth that we have enjoyed so recently. That does not mean
that there are not ways to get great jobs and satisfy key desires.

If security is taken away, then people start to panic. I certainly know what the
uncertainty of unemployment feels like. This is not only aimed at those who have lost
their jobs – it is also for those who want to improve. Change is not enough – a desire
to improve is essential to fully benefit for the plan outlined in the later stages.

Qualifications

Over the past eighteen months, I have applied to over two hundred advertised jobs,
registered with six recruitment agencies and written a number of largely speculative
letters to potential employers. What has it achieved? No job.

Someone asked me recently what I do with my time. I told him that it was combination
of writing, telephoning, checking advertisements et cetera. The way he looked at me
showed a small amount of scepticism. I then admitted to filling in the gaps by watching
videos. This raised a grin and made me realise that I needed to be truthful because I
am crap at lying.

Recr uitment cons ultants

I have had interviews with both employers and recruitment consultants. Each one has
taken an interested look over my curriculum vitae and remarked that either I have too
little experience or I have had a ‘varied’ career. I sometimes wonder whether they
take me for a complete idiot or whether they haven’t the gumption to give me some
real advice on where I could apply. But I have never been able to be ‘pigeon-holed’ so
it must be a nightmare for a recruitment consultant to be faced with such a feisty sod
who could never be bothered with conformity. I do, very occasionally, feel rather sorry
for them.

H ow to over come thes e things

What I have found out after a working career of ten sometimes very long years that
there is a simple key to making a success of anything – and that is my mind-set.
Psychobabble litters modern parlance but I will try to avoid it in my explanation of how
I got to where I am today. If this book amuses you, then I am delighted. If you think it
is a load of self-indulgent twaddle, then I will respect your view. If, however you find
13

that you would rather not go through the decade of nonsense I have steered myself
through and want the lessons without the hardship, then read on. Form your own
views and if you really want to let me know what you think, then email me.

Wher e w as I ?

Imagine if you can a young man with no experience in the publishing industry taking a
job as marketing manager of a leading travel guide publisher. Like I mentioned, a good
salary and few benefits other than getting to spend a lot of time in book stores, often a
way I spend my spare time. I had taken the job in publishing because, although I was
one of the few people in England with certain qualifications, I wasn’t finding work in
the sector I wanted. I had just returned from a fantastic adventure in central America
and was ready to make my mark on London…

I brought a background of initiative and plagiarism – two qualities that I think are
essential to a successful person. Few ideas are original and often it’s the intransigence
of the originator that strangles them. So I pinch them, put some effort and often a
fresh approach to them and frequently - voilá! On the other side, I wasn’t best suited
to an office job in a basement room with five other people around. I really managed to
upset the office dynamic as well because I wasn’t the quietest of souls, nor the most
patient. I was used to getting things done and had never played politics with anyone.
Therefore, having to put ideas pass my boss whilst packing books seemed an utter
waste of my time and their money.

I went wrong by not knuckling down and getting on with it. I was convinced there was
more to life than this and I wasn’t afraid to say so. My two bosses (brothers riven with
the usual internecine baggage that most sensible people leave at home) had built this
business almost by default and were unwilling to change. I tried to point out that there
was room for improvement but fear is a great enemy, especially when that fear is
prevalent in the decisions of those in charge.

My fear was displayed by the fact that I hadn’t jumped ship almost as soon as I
realised what the score was. It was nothing to do with the company – it was my
decision to opt for a very uncomfortable existence and not leap out, somewhat into the
unknown. This was based on the fear of more rejection letters and the sheer drudgery
of job hunting.

I was delighted to leave.

What w as the s olution?

So I found myself in a bit of a bind. No work, difficult job market and lots of more
experienced people competing for fewer opportunities. I sat down and thought hard.
Some wise person once said that there is a lot of learning to be had from each
experience so I looked for the lesson in these circumstances.
14

When I had learnt to scuba dive a few years previously, one of the mantras that had
been drilled into us was,

"Plan the dive and dive the plan." I realised I needed a plan to take action. Out of the
action I took came the lessons in this book but first I needed a plan. I dug out some of
the first training literature I had been issued with in the army (a previous employer,
when life seemed endless and fun was vital). Every aspect of war, e.g. defence or
fighting in urban areas, was divided into principles and phases. The whole aspect of
war itself had been given its own principles by von Clausewitz.

Now this might seem a tad aggressive to be referring to military tactics for job
hunting, but it was a campaign after all and therefore needed a strategy. I did plan to
win, it has to be said.

A mix of pr actical and s pir itual exper ience

I was to base my plan around all the experience I could garner and it didn't have to be
just mine. I was acutely aware that the so called 'perfect job' would not make me any
happier because there had been a time when I had had a great job, pots of spare cash
to play with as well as a very fast sports car.

But I wasn't particularly happy.

I therefore knew that this period of unemployment, however long, would have to be
faced in the right frame of mind lest I lost opportunities through projecting negativity.
I am not the first to believe that positivity attracts a similar reaction in others. The
simplest example of this that I have heard in a long time is that it is always the
friendliest people who have the most friends. This also applies to positive folk and if
you are in an upbeat and positive mood then positive things tend to happen, both as a
result of actions you take and also just because they do. Believe what you want, this
one just happens to be based on my own experience.

I knew that the experiences I have had have been an enormous learning experience
for me, and not only for the job hunting. Although I have attempted to live a spiritual
life for many years, I can easily forget the basic tenets. I do try to treat others as I
would like to be treated myself and from that, as well as researching the concept of a
better life, I have learnt some valuable lessons.

Where I was at the time (dwindling cash reserves, creeping insanity at the prospect of
not working and replenishing them, you know the score) needed some action,
otherwise I would quietly fizzle out and wonder what had happened. I have distilled
some of the lessons into this book but the great thing about getting a healthy mindset
and outlook on life is that it can be applied to just about anything.
15

A w or ld w ith new values

Over the past fifty years, our world has gone through some incredible changes. The
technological advances are quite breathtaking but the personal advances are of more
relevance here. The general expectations from life have changed immeasurably. No
longer is the job for life a realistic career path and this professional insecurity has
been a large contributor to the habit of looking inward for strength.

People realise that life is far from being a bowl of cherries and that we have to be
more self-sufficient. This does not necessarily mean that we have to fend for ourselves
any more than previously, more that with the security of long term employment
removed, we have to find strength elsewhere.

As a result, we have come to appreciate the benefits of having an inner peace, a


concept that emerged as fashionable during the sixties. Although there are a lot of
theories that abound as to how to achieve this, this book draws on some of the more
proven methods. However it is best to acknowledge that a distillation of all these
techniques produces a simple series of steps.

As the old adage reminds us, we only get out of something what we put into it.
And, as I have realised over the past year and a half, to make it and keep my mind
whilst out of work, I had to work hard. I had to make certain compromises and these
had to be planned.

I wanted peace of mind and I wanted to be happy with my lot. I did not want to be
happy because of my job; I really just wanted to be happy with my job. I realised,
through taking actions demonstrated in this book, that the strength to be happy with
my work came from myself. And this took work.

Choices , choices , choices

I knew that I had to decide what I wanted most and put that at the top of my wish list.
I was in a very enviable position of being suffused with options but I knew I had to
avoid being swamped. The double-edged sword of these choices had to be wielded. I
chose to use the variety to make a few necessary decisions, rather than feel
overwhelmed.

With the choices before me, I began to see that my life could be transformed. This was
not so much a case of having any job I wanted, but more one of my mind changing to
see a whole new approach. And it was from this approach that I was able to get a
previously inexperienced serenity about seeking work. I started to believe a lot more
in a different way of looking at things. I now know how to stay sane whilst enduring
the rigours of job hunting.
16

I would not have achieved this level of equanimity without the plan outlined in the
following chapters. Described in a largely anecdotal fashion, it follows the steps I took
to, basically, get where I am today. I admit that this is not a programme that will find
you that job, more to get the serenity to be content with yourself. As I have found, you
may find yourself in a line of work never previously considered, but you will feel right
about it. There may well be some elements of truth about yourself that are difficult to
initially acknowledge, but then it is always best to be honest with yourself.

The freedom that will come from this work will be so rewarding, rewarding to the
extent that you will be able to look back, laugh and be extremely grateful for the
lessons learnt on this phase of your life's exciting journey.
17

What D o I D o?

Acknow ledging my pos ition

The choices that lay before me were both daunting and encouraging. But there was
work to be done and here’s what I found most effective.

I had to be honest to myself. Without this as a guiding principle, the whole desire to
keep my mind would be flawed. I would not achieve the slightest move forward
without honesty and this had to be rigorous. I was not there to help anyone else and so
I had nothing to prove by putting on a ‘front’. I wanted to get this right because I
believed there was a way and, as a result, was prepared to be totally honest.

Would this be difficult? I, like many others as I was to find out, had not been shy with
massaging the truth in times past. There certainly had been occasions when I had
thought that either the whole story or even some of it might be detrimental to my
cause so I had opted for the tactic politely referred to as being ‘economical with the
truth’. This was a skill, for it can become one, developed in the playgrounds of school
and later honed in the workplace. It’s amazing how often ‘spin’ can be put on
situations to make the whole truth alter.

This was not a course I wanted to take at this time. I knew I would only get short
relief and then be back at the beginning, irritated, frustrated, hankering for work and
going demented as to how to spend my time. The first thing I wanted to look at was
why I had become unemployed. How much had been the circumstances and how much
was directly my responsibility? For this I had to go back to why I had taken the job and
what my intentions had been.

I had to be frank but not brutal, open minded yet focussed. It was important that I
maintain my original aim of why I was doing this exercise and what I expected at this
stage to get out of it. My experience has often been that when is start something with
specific aims, I quite often can achieve those but receive numerous other unforeseen
benefits as well.

Action br eeds r es ults

I had needed a job yet was unprepared to work at the lowest level because I did have
a certain amount of experience under my belt. Granted, it was varied, but there aren’t
many people who have both negotiated large sponsorship contracts as well as leading
thirty-five school leavers into the jungle for two months. I believed in my ability to do
the job of Marketing Manager, and I was excited by the prospect of earning some
good money. I wanted to get onto the property ladder, have a nice car and enjoy a
good holiday once a year. I did not want to live for the job and I very much regarded
this role as a means to an end.
18

Yet, exactly one year later, I was to find myself out of work and little to show
materially other than a scooter and some (very) modest savings. I had enjoyed a great
skiing holiday during the winter and was about to go around Sardinia on a motorbike
with my girlfriend. I had not earned anything like the amounts that I had been led to
believe were mine if I did my job well. This is not the place to describe the reasons
why these bonuses did not materialise, suffice to say we ended up in court and I lost
that part of the case because the bonuses had been termed discretionary. If ever there
was an active lesson in contract law, this was it!

I had lost that job because of my actions and was not scared to admit it. But now I
needed to keep a level head and get back on track so that I could find more work. If I
had known the numerous setbacks I was to receive over the upcoming months then I
would have probably dived for the duvet and refused to come out. Luckily, this was not
revealed to me until I was well on the way to working this method of self help.

So I took stock. Here was I, aged only thirty-two and out of work with rental and
other bills looming. I had to do something. You might read this and wonder what it has
to do with you but I can only ask you to take what seems to work and leave the rest.

Why w er e my plans not w or king?

It has taken me a long time to learn the difference between application and pig
headedness. On the one hand, you apply yourself to a task and work at it, worrying it
like a terrier if that is your bent, until the job is done. Pig headedness is simply a
manifestation of pure bloody-mindedness and refusing to admit that the tactics
employed were not working. No prizes for guessing which camp I usually fell into. I
was a past master at not so much persisting, as thumping at a problem until it was
either solved or my energies ran out. I was a big fan of the “this time it will work”
school of graft and so managed to consistently end up frustrated.

It was the same way with my headspace. I felt that I knew what was best for me and,
to be frank, never paid it a lot of heed until the voices starting screaming inside my
little allocation of grey matter. I had never considered that I would feel so down in the
dumps just because I was out of work, nor did I think that this had anything to do with
me. So I chose to ignore it. The result – more frustration. Then I started to get
annoyed with myself for not getting work and thought that I was at fault. That’s the
start of the slippery slope. Who is the easiest person in the world to beat up? Why,
yourself, of course. So I started laying in. Not a great plan because it is a downward
spiral.

Reading lots of literature by those who had achieved some level of success has always
acted as an inspiration when I wanted it. One of the many small tricks I learnt involved
using a rubber band. The idea was to wear this band on my wrist and whenever I got a
negative thought, I was to snap the band, thereby giving me a short sharp sting.
Trifling it may seem, but I thought I would give it a go. If I was to get a negative idea,
then snap the band would go. If that idea led to another, then another snap. These
19

were not merely confined to work related issues. Any negative idea that I had was met
with a twang of the rubber band. I was amazed how much of my head time was spent
in negativity, so much in fact that I started to get a bright red tattoo on the inside of
my wrist. The first few days, I was pinging away like a soloist in the Jew’s harp
section of the New York Philarmonic. Friends mocked but it worked. Pretty soon I
came to recognize the onset of these negative thoughts and was able to catch myself.

This might not be for you, but the important aspect was that it was someone else’s
idea. I am by no means a genius. I do not have even an eighth of the important
answers in life. I genuinely believe that no one does. However, there is a lot of shared
experience out there that can help everyone. And that is what I had to admit.

Pr epar ed to change

Anthony Robbins has mentioned that a decision takes an instant – it is merely the
reasoning and building up to it that takes time. I had taken some time reasoning and
prevaricating before I made the decision that I was basically not doing the right things
to ensure my peace of mind. I have talked of the freedom that the decision to change
gave me. I was lucky. My suggestion is that you make the same decision and read on.

I also talked of the next day and the fears that crowded in on me. I knew I wanted to
keep my wits about me and really be happy with my job but where would that take me?
Would I end up working in a soup kitchen smiling with glee at all the souls I am
helping? Unlikely. Would I end up at the top of a huge multinational corporation,
cutting and sealing deals that net me millions? Even more unlikely. Would I be happy
with my job? Now there’s a goal.

Was I prepared to go to any lengths to achieve this? It has taken me about fifteen
months to appreciate my peace of mind and how I maintain it. It has taken me about
three months to get this book together. I tend to read a book a week. If you can do
that, and do the exercises in these chapters because, let’s face it, when out of work
then you generally have more spare time, then you can achieve wonders in less than
eight days!

The decisions were indeed instantaneous – the results for me took a while to seep
through. What was immediately apparent, however, was that I felt the new strength
of taking action flow through me and, as a result, this spurred me on to more work.
Some of the results are, to this day, unquantifiable but I can guarantee you they have
given me an enormous sense of well being and serenity.

Wher e do I look?

Admitting that we can’t do this all on our own means that we are now in a rather
special club. It is often overwhelming how two working together can achieve much
more together than two individuals working separately. And that even takes into
account the odd natter by the water fountain! So the shared experiences of one can
20

help another, they can pass it on and so on. The pyramid widens and the message can
be improved and refined in each stage.

For instance, suppose only one thousand people read this book. Then each of you take
the actions suggested within and put them into practice. After a bit of application and
refinement, a Mach II version may emerge, purely through your experiences. Then you
pass it on to two people each, they do the same and so on until fairly swiftly, thousands
upon thousands have contributed to this system and refined it to such a degree that it
is a seamless transition for the recipients from down in the dumps to pure happiness
with their position.

Of course, the early contributors need to be brought up to speed on further


developments and I suggest that the best way to do so is to stay in touch with those
you pass it onto. I get a lot of help from people I have helped in the past purely
because they might have experienced circumstances that I am yet to have felt, and so
benefit hugely from their advice.

The other aspect that I thoroughly recommend is that taking on a new perspective, in
this example, asking others for help and knowing that the help is out there, is like a
spring clean. It is like the light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot be alone in my
musings about how to stem the malaise in my head and, luckily, have been able to put
my learnings down on paper. This book is very much designed to help you in the same
situation that I have laboured through for the first fifteen months. Naturally, I wish
for your sake that it doesn’t last even half that time!

I s this the r ight cour s e for me?

When I decided that I couldn’t do it all on my own and realised that I had to turn to
others for help, I had to make sure that it was the right help. I once read a wonderful
book by a totally cynical journalist who, over a four year investigative period,
transformed from a true sceptic into an avid believer in the benefits of alternative
medicine. He saw shamans, healers, crystal therapists and many other, as yet
undefined, practitioners whose efforts resulted in fantastic benefits for their patients.
His outlook was transformed but right from the start, he felt that he had to see the
efficacy of the work. I thought this was good framework to follow and so only listened
to people who had dealt with similar scenarios in their lives, not necessarily ones
associated purely with unemployment.

There are many routes to achieve some level of serenity about setbacks in life, and I
must have read or spoke to a large majority of the propagators! They had to be people
who had something I wanted, who had taken definable action and come through to the
other side with rewards the like of which I hankered after. The amazing thing that I
picked up early on was a seemingly inexplicable belief in a higher power.

I am not trying to convert you to some extreme form of religious fervour, fortunately
(for me) accompanied by large donations to a worthy cause, a cause that bears an
21

almost uncanny resemblance to my own bank account. No, what I have learnt is these
successful people – and they have achieved a level of success beyond material gain – do
believe that there is something out there. I had always been a cynic with regard to this
facet of life, this concept that millions have bought into, from highly organised, ascetic
religions, right along to individual spiritualists who very much do what they alone think
is right. The message I seemed to get was one of choice. If I wanted to race down to
the nearest cathedral/synagogue/mosque, hit my knees and follow the practices of a
particular religion, then so be it. If, on the other hand – and this is where I warmed to
the theme – I merely wanted to conceive a version of a higher power and believe in
that then whatever I was comfortable with was best for me.

So this is what I chose to do. The funny thing about this is the more people I talk to,
the more seem to agree. Some are followers of an organised religion, most are not. It
is just amazing how much strength that people draw from their beliefs.

I merely believe now that I could not have achieved a transmutable level of sanity on
my own. I was not pushed into taking actions by a zealous and concerned aunt nor did I
see a flash of blinding light and have a sudden epiphany. I merely found myself
exploring this concept of a greater being and the more I looked into it, the less I could
either define or understand. All that really grew was my certainty of its existence!

The debate could rage, but I was not responsible for the peace I now feel.

Action does br eed r es ults

Sitting around waiting for nirvana has never worked for anyone – it just doesn’t
happen. And, since nirvana is defined as the ultimate level of enlightenment by
Buddhists, then their thousands of years of experience in working towards it is
something to which I am prepared to listen. My father has truly delightful expression
about sitting around “with your thumb in your bum and your mind in neutral”. He was,
no doubt, referring to my love of television and how it was a very happy pastime for me
when I was supposedly growing up.

It does, however, bear a large relevance to the issue at hand – how do we get out of
the stupor generated by being out of work, regain a good level of peace and get out
there to be happy with our work? The obvious answer must surely be to extract the
digit, and change gear.

As I have mentioned earlier, repeating the same action, expecting different results, is
counter productive. If you find yourself trying to climb a wall and jumping from the
standing still position doesn’t seem to work, then you would try a different approach,
say running at it. If that didn’t work, you may try exploring the wall to see if it wasn’t
so high in places or maybe had a doorway.

The bottom line is, once you start taking action, a whole new set of circumstances
befall you, thereby presenting lots of new opportunities. Once I realised I couldn’t do
22

things on my own and starting looking around for help, new opportunities presented
themselves. Whether this came from just a mere snippet of information and advice or a
whole situation, previously never thought of, evolving before my very eyes, there were
just new things happening. And with each one I had a choice – action or inaction. Of
course, the sensible option was always action, but this was not so easy.

Snow ball

When I was a child, we used to get snowed in every winter and generally had a power
cut, once lasting ten days. This was not a case for worry – more a huge adventure. We
had extra blankets, wood in the store to burn and a very inventive mother who could
create great feasts from ever dwindling supplies. And we got to have snowball fights.

However, whenever there are snowball fights, the appeal soon wanes and the desire
to make a snowman overcomes us. Starting with a small bit of snow, we roll it until it
grows, each turn growing even more in size. We usually end up with two large balls of
snow. Then we have to position them. This is the situation I found myself in once I had
decided to take action and believe that help could come from elsewhere. I had rolled
up my snowball, and it was big, stuffed full of information garnered from various
sources. I then had to move it to a place where it would have the most visual impact.
As I started to move it, it was a huge strain, but then, with momentum, it became
easier.

The momentum lesson I got from my snowman is one I have carried over to this phase
of my life. It seems like a mammoth task to take action and alter circumstances, but
once it gets going, it becomes considerably easier. Believing in the external option for
help was quite a leap of faith for me, but once I took it, things started happening.

The s our ces of help

Since I became interested in looking elsewhere for help I needed to find good sources
of help. Rather than injure my pride by going to people I know and humbling myself
before them, I decided to do some anonymous research. I have been interested in the
self-help genre of literature for many years. Although a lot of the books do seem to be
a regurgitation of others, I have noticed how popular that section in the bookstore has
become.

It started off as being listed as ‘Self Help’, usually in the basement or in the attic, and
seemingly browsed rarely but furtively. Purchasers seemed almost embarrassed to be
seen grasping fervently to their chest the latest work on being motivated. Times have,
thankfully, changed. There is so much work on the subject as well as so many
advocating the benefits of various approaches that obviously this is a popular genre. So
much so, that the section in the bookstores are now named ‘Mind, Body & Spirit’ and
regularly contain best sellers.
23

I have read some of these books. Some I have picked up and not made it through.
Some I have not been able to make head nor tail of. But there are some that have
contained lessons that I have listened to and never forgotten. And it hasn’t been the
whole book, merely a section within. There are some I have returned to and reread
and I have got further lessons from. There are some I have returned to after not
completing the first time and have finished, again with fresh lessons. I firmly believe
the old adage “When the pupil is ready, the master will appear.”

I wouldn’t have had these lessons if I hadn’t taken the action and picked up the books
to read them. Browse the section in your local bookstore and read the ones you think
are relevant. These can range from Buzan’s concept of ‘Mind-mapping’ to Scott Peck’s
quite excellent Road Less Travelled series. Mark Victor Hansen, the author of the
fabulous Chicken Soup for the Soul books, recommends reading them constantly, as
much as an inspiration as also a reminder that the lessons contained within have
helped others so why not you?

You may well be of the school that believes there are better avenues for research. It is
always wise to take what is relevant for yourself and leave the rest. There may be
some interesting works on highly successful people. How did Richard Branson achieve
a world famous brand and billionaire status by the age of fifty? How did Silvio
Berlusconi become, with out a doubt, the single most powerful man in Italy, with
interests ranging from politics to media?

There is within the choice of works to be read a personal definition of success. I now
believe that single word encompasses much more than the average marketing
campaign would have us believe. If you believe that Jack Welch was the most
successful person you have ever come across, then read his book. If Mother Theresa
has always inspired you, then read about her.

However, I have found that the unauthorised biographies of successful people are as,
if not more, interesting than the authorised versions. This is because the wallpaper is
not quite so glossy. I do try and read both, but in some case I give up on the authorised
because it is a little too shiny for my palate – I prefer the more salacious stuff.

Within these books, there are always interesting lessons. I have been known to look at
them and feel distinctly unworthy of comparison, but that only results in self defeat. In
fact, it is a similar reaction to that of comparison to super models – I am not one nor
do I have the body of one. If an airbrush in the hands of a skilled operator was let
loose on a photo of me, I am sure I could look a heap better than I do day to day.
However, I prefer to change from the inside.

The core to a lot of the lives of hugely successful people tends to be a mix of hard work
and luck. Some may say they make their luck, but this is only through a lot of hard
work. There are often no easy routes to success and the results would not have so
much value if they were handed to you on a plate. What is the percentage of lottery
24

winners who find no happiness in their sudden wealth and oft pine for the days of old,
when money had to be carefully budgeted?

Read, mark, learn and inwardly digest. That is what I try to take to each of these
books. What has that person done that I can feasibly emulate? Why do I have to
struggle through life’s lessons without learning from the experiences of others? There
are well-documented, truly incredible people out there who have made staggering
achievements. Find out about them.

N ot all the gr eat people w r ite books

It is a constant source of amazement to me that when I open my eyes, there is a


bounty of lessons out there. One of the best phrases to explain this is ‘A blinding
glimpse of the obvious.’ I have been blessed with some truly amazing friends, friends
who have both been in tough spots and are willing to talk about them. This process of
shared knowledge is mentioned earlier but is lot closer to home than books or
websites, if only for the benefits of question and answer sessions.

If you are the only one of your friends who admits to experiencing hardship in their
lives, especially the specific one of being out of work, then you are definitely in a
minority. Go out and make some new ones, those who have truly lived life! The next
obstacle is to get your friends to open up and talk about their experiences and what
they did to combat the varying levels of stress. Some may be unwilling to do this,
others may find it a real pleasure to help. I moved away from England for a year and
wrote to everyone in my address book three times whilst I was abroad. It was only for
a year and I received merely one response. Upon returning, I set about making new
friends, for obviously the ones I had thought I knew before were unreliable. These are
not the sort of people I really want in my life, because if times are tough, I want to be
able to count on them.

Recently I was lucky enough to be at a wedding and a wife of a friend was confiding in
me some of the issues with which she was having problems dealing. I had no quick fire
solution – all I could really do at the time was offer her a sympathetic ear. What I
found staggering, however, was the similarities to our concerns. Oddly enough, she had
the perfect job, husband, house and all the trappings but there was an inexplicable
hole inside, one which she didn’t know how to fill. I had felt a similar chasm when I
found myself out of work and struggling to keep my wits about me.

On the other side, when I was looking for help, it was amazing where it came from.
One of my closest friends has experienced the fear of being out of work and the
pressure that brings to bear. He is an exceptionally witty and popular person who
people tend to flock towards, always surrounded by many pleased to see him. He had
spent a long time out of work and we talked. It was not a formulaic question and
answer session, more a rambling conversation between friends with the natural
interjections of humour. To define what came out of it was nigh on impossible apart
from the reassurance for myself that there are others who have felt the nip of the
25

wringer caused by unemployment. He understands exactly the concerns I had and had
experienced similar ones. He resolved the actual job situation by taking stock of his
whole life and finding there was so much to be grateful for that merely not working
meant he had a lot of time to do other things. Granted that this was not a permanent
set up, but he tends to live each day to the full, enjoying the varieties that life holds.

Talk to lots of people. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Open a door
and you will be amazed with the many others that are there before you. If you can talk
to one person a day about these concerns you will be surprised how quickly a mini
network will develop as your friends introduce you to others who may be able to help.
You may find (shock and horror!) that when you start talking to more and more
people, there is the ideal job waiting on a plate!

The pr ofes s ionals

The recruitment business is huge and I only touched on it in the first chapter. It is
incredible that so many people, with little or no formal training, can match such a
myriad cast of characters to such diverse roles. No two people are alike and therefore
placing the right person into the right pigeonhole must take a certain amount of skill,
experience and luck. The fact that so many companies, large and small rely on these
consultants is testament to the level of work they produce.

Being a candidate on their books is a whole different perspective. I find the issue of
selling myself to both the recruitment consultant and then the prospective employer a
rather frustrating process, but I cannot think of a short cut, least of all one that will
not put the recruitment consultants straight out of business! The interesting thing is
now they are really felling the pinch. It is staggering how many have either gone out of
business or are scaling down hugely to counter the economic squeeze. They have
always been in the position of only being as good as their last placement, but now
there are fewer placements to be had and therefore the standard has to be that bit
greater.

It is definitely in their interests to ensure that their candidates are of the highest
calibre so they may advocate some of the work in this book. All very well having all the
boxes ticked and then the poor candidate is beset by the real concerns of
unemployment and fails to shine in interviews. I do not profess to give top tips on how
to ace that crucial interview, more to achieve a sense of calm that ensures you are the
rock that can withstand all the re-employment process can throw at you.

I registered with a number of agencies and was impressed by the help that some of
them gave me. They were not one-stop shops in that I did not walk away with all my
concerns lifted. In some cases, it was quite the opposite! What I am terribly grateful
for is that some took the time to chat and help with specifics – I was not regarded as
merely a commodity, more as a human being. This naturally helped me in so far I was
able to present a far better side when interviewed. Unsurprisingly, there was a direct
26

correlation between those recruitment consultants who took the time to help and the
interviews from which I received actual offers.

Conclus ion

This stage is largely reactive – I found that a general acknowledgement of my position


and a bit of research required very little action in terms of myself. Yes, I had taken the
decision to do something, yes, I admitted that I wasn’t able to do it on my own and yes,
I sought help from outside sources. But I was soaking it up at this stage and I knew
there was some fearless work to be done to endure I would not sink back into the
quagmire of self defeat again. So now I had to really work on myself and apply the
lessons so far.
27

E xer cis es

The aim of this chapter is very much to admit that we are in a bit of a bind and that we
are not alone. There are also people out there who can help through their own
experiences, either written in books or face to face as friends.

Here is a set of exercises that will assist in this phase.

• Select a comfortable chair in your home, turn off the television or music and
merely sit for five minutes, thinking about your work situation, whether you are
out of work or not.

After the five minutes is up, write down the three most upsetting or annoying
things about your work situation.

• Visit a good bookshop in your local high street and have a look through some of
the Mind, Body & Spirit section.

There is no need to buy if you don’t want, but a flick through them should give
you an idea that there are others out there who need help in various parts of
their lives.

• Think of those who seem to have made a success of their lives and always seem
to be in a good mood. Make a list and do some research on them.

There may well be pointers in their behaviour that are worth noting for later
stages of this work.

• Do something you wouldn’t normally do and this could be as simple as brushing


your teeth before you take a shower, rather than your habitual after. This will
help in changing habits and outlooks.
28

A ction L eads to R es ults

The Reas ons

Whatever the reasons were that we lost our jobs or are less than content in our
existing ones, and a lot of the time it really is beyond our control, we have to assess
the situation purely because we don’t want to be in that position lest it was our plan.
Granted, when I took on my old boss, I wanted out of the job and I have to think that I
might have played it differently if I knew what I was to experience in the following
months. Trouble was, I made the call with all the information available at that time
right there in my hands. I assumed that I would find another job reasonably quickly
and, in the meantime, I intended to enjoy my freedom!

The more I learnt about being unemployed, the more I realised that the reasons for
being out of work lay a lot deeper and they were because of what I had and hadn’t
done in the past. I had enjoyed a varied career that included some fantastic
experiences around the world doing things that I absolutely adored, adored so much
that I seldom acknowledged that I was being paid for them! I always regarded my pay
cheque as something to play with once work was over for good, usually because most
of my best jobs involved places with few cash machines and even fewer places to spend
your salary!

My outlook had always been a fairly lackadaisical one and, as a result, there was not a
lot of groundwork for long-term unemployment. Luckily, other areas of my life were
pretty stable at the time. A good friend of mine once made the analogy of life seeming
like balancing on a three-legged stool. The legs represented three main areas of life –
love, home and work. It was not as if the legs had to contain a house, wife or job, more
that we were happy with our lot in those areas, so if I was single and enjoying it, then
fine, rented and didn’t want to buy, great and if I wanted to not work to pursue other
dreams, then good as well.

Trouble was, if one of the legs were broken or unstable i.e. I was not happy with my
job, then the stool would fall. This seemed remarkably apt for my situation.
I had kicked my leg away and presumed that I could balance happily on two. Not true!

So I had to look at myself and work out what I really wanted, why I had got into this
situation and what I needed to change to alter my direction. And I knew looking at
myself was going to require the honesty I have touched on already, but it was also
going to bring up some painful examples of my actions that I wasn’t best pleased with.
It would have been easy to beat myself up but I had to steer a simple line between
hiding from the truth and needlessly castigating myself. An objective viewpoint was
required.
29

I t’s jus t about our jobs , r ight?

If this is about being happy about our jobs, then we have to look at our careers. Best
to start at the beginning and look at what we had worked at and why we had chosen
particular routes. I always had a sneaking admiration for those who were able to start
a semblance of a pre-career at university by doing job placements at various places, all
the while building both a phone book of useful contacts and some valuable experience
for their chosen jobs. I didn’t know what I wanted to do as a job apart from enjoy it so
I opted for the army. When someone suggested I spend my weekends playing soldiers
at university I thought they were mad. Why spend time playing at something that was
going to be a full time job fairly soon when there are so many other things to do?

This was the first thing I had looked at and it provided a useful starting point. Sit down
with a pen and paper and work out ten reasons why you chose your first job. Be honest
– in fact do what I did and have a look at some of the negative stuff as well. I joined
the army because I could not see the attraction of working in an office when I was so
young and able to do tons of physical things. I felt that a regular career in the same
office building would kill me. The mere idea of wearing a suit every day filled me with
dread. It’s just not me. There were positive things as well. I wanted the physical
challenge, I loved the idea of travelling around to exciting places and I enjoy working
in teams.

I spent some time last summer with a retired businessman who had done very well for
himself and a young graduate from Oxford. The latter was not sure of his job choice
but decided to opt for the ‘grown-up job train’ and started work in the City of London
soon after. The businessman thoroughly approved, I wasn’t so sure. His aims were
quite simple and they started with financial ones. He wanted to earn pots of cash and
stop working silly hours with a safe cushion of some saved money behind him. I wish
him nothing but the best.

Why did you start working where you did? Was it the first job of your dreams? Was it
merely a stepping-stone to brighter things? Was it a stopgap until you found the right
job? Was it a money provider while you trained for something else? Was it in the area
you wanted to work in? And did it provide all that you had thought it might? Were the
rewards, and I’m not just talking financial ones, what you were after? Did you enjoy
going in to work? Or did you get out of it (money, career experience, savings,
networks) all that you really wanted?

Then make a list of what your aims had been – slightly longer in time frame but equally
relevant. Then go through all your jobs, even the ones you might want to forget about,
and do the same exercise with them. For instance, I worked as a washer upper at a
fast food joint for a holiday – horrible work, long hours, low pay – you know the score.
I did it as much to have something to do as well as to get some cash at the end of the
week.
30

I find it amazing to talk to people about why they did what they did. An old friend of
mine trained to be an accountant because he couldn’t think of anything else to do. He
did very well but I’m sure he wanted other things out life. And this is where some of
the painful questions come. Did you feel pressured in any way to take your job? If you
wished you could have trained dolphins but instead worked for a funeral director, do
you regret it? Were you basically obsessed with the external things as indicators e.g.
money, cars houses? Did you want to keep up with the Joneses? An old friend of mine
who won the lottery when asked whether such wealth made him happier replied,
“No – but it makes the miserable times a little more bearable.” He had changed his
work (he still went to his office every day) but knew that the money wasn’t the source
of his contentment.

There are many people out there who work for all kinds of reasons and have aims to
shoot for. I cannot even hope to imagine what drives people on, I only know there have
to be good reasons for it. You are trying to find and name your own reasons and aims
for each job. This will enable you to change things for the future and either get
yourself into a totally better state of mind in your current job, or set you up properly
for your next role.

Once you have your list of reasons as to why you took your jobs and what your aims
were, you will have some pretty interesting information about yourself and the way
you think. Hold onto it – it’s going to come in pretty handy.

The other tw o legs …

If all that it takes to restore you to sanity is a new job, go out and get one. If you have
found from looking at the reasons behind your work history that it all seems perfectly
justified and you have done what I didn’t by following a sensible career path and there
is still a bit of a hole in your happiness then there are other areas you need to look at.

Quite often happiness is not the result of the external influences i.e. money, job, car,
house etc. The causes run a lot deeper. Many people today tend to lurch from crisis to
crisis and scrape through each situation (I’m only talking about a sanity situation here)
only to find themselves in another drama with the same imagined constrictions. We live
in a society that places an enormous amount of pressure on us to succeed. The only
problem is the definition of success. I firmly believe that success is an internal as
opposed to an external issue. I spent a fascinating fifteen months working on a private
estate in the West Indies and saw what super wealthy people do with their lives. No
different to the rest of us – they are just as unbalanced!

Therefore the reasons for the imbalance in your head may well not be solely
attributable to just being unemployed. It may be that losing work has uncovered some
serious stuff that needs dealing with, stuff that was covered by an inability to dedicate
time, due to work commitments.
31

Fas t M oving Wor ld

In today’s society, there seems to be a huge amount of pressure to succeed. The quiet,
unassuming type is no longer fashionable. You have to be a real go-getter with bags of
initiative and drive, aiming to be a successful entrepreneur by the age of thirty-five.
Youth and celebrity obsessed, we find it easy to compare ourselves with the ‘role
models’ presented daily by the media, airbrushed and manipulated to look unattainably
desirable, only to find ourselves wanting.

It is only natural to look at others and gauge your own progress. The only trouble is,
the medium ranking cases are rarely reported. Compelling reportage is usually
predicated by extremes and superlatives e.g. the most successful, beautiful, charitable,
etc. I am not saying any of us are average, more that seeing the huge obstacles to
achieve such success often seems beyond us. So we struggle and often think we are on
our own in our daily grind.

Having a job can allay these fears. Of course, when the job is no longer there, the fears
creep back in. At this point it is wise to take stock and have a look at a wider picture
than merely the work issue. We need to find out more about ourselves and
acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses. Many self help works only
concentrate on buoying up the positives, screaming from the pages how wonderful you
are and what a worthwhile person you are. Whilst I don’t doubt this for a minute, it is
wise, from my own experience, to have a look at some of the less savoury aspects of
our past.

The questions are the same e.g. why did I choose to live where I did, why did I fancy
that person etc. Dealing with the home aspect first, it is beneficial to look honestly at
why you live where you do. I can tell you my experience – the ‘lure’ of the big city, all
my friends were there, it was the place to be, only certain postcodes were acceptable.
Really shallow issues but after speaking to a recent graduate recently about this very
concern, it seems that exactly the same pressures are there. I cannot for a moment
think that many people move into their first flat and think,
“Good – sorted for life.” We are naturally aspirational and do want a nicer place to
live with more space and modern appliances, for instance.

So get the pen and paper out again and ask the same questions about where you live
as you did about the work. Look at the negative reasons as well as the positive. I’ve
met people who’ve crammed themselves into tiny spaces just to say they live in a smart
part of town, others who use distinctly odd references to place names in order to cover
up their real residence. The insecurity is rife and we all tend to suffer from it, to a
lesser or greater degree. Be honest; confess as to why you made the choices you did.
Oh, and try not to worry about that next mortgage/rent payment yet – although I am
not offering to pay it, you will look at such a concern in a different light after working
through this book!
32

Don’t forget to also have a look at what your goals with regards to your home. If you
really want a massive country estate with tons of land, horses in the paddock and all
the rest then put it down. Anything is possible, after all!

I deas on love

Now we approach the ‘love’ issue. I deliberately left this until last because it is, by it’s
very nature, the most emotional. After the practice of going through your work and
residential histories, you should be practiced enough to start on the really difficult
area!

Ever since (and I’m sure it was around before) the fairy tales that mothers used to tell
us when we were young, we have had an idealistic view of love and all it should give
us. And that is the problem. Loving is not about receiving, it’s about giving. It is
tremendously exciting to start a new relationship with all the thrills from the ceaseless
wondering whether the other person likes you to the thrill of discovering new
experiences together. This is the stage that the expression ‘Love is blind’ comes from.
I am relatively young in terms of long term commitments but I have already seen three
friends divorced by the age of thirty-two, the age most people are starting a family.

I recently read an article about the high divorce rate in modern society and one
interviewee (again an extreme case, I hope) said she was about to marry for the third
time because she adored that thrilling stage of the relationship. Once it was over and
the regular aspects of life re-entered her world, she didn’t enjoy it any more so split.

When I read once that to love was to give and that explains why parents tend to love
their children more than children love their parents, it made sense. To me, to love
someone is to give to them and this doesn’t mean in terms of gifts. No two people are
alike and there is naturally going to have to be a certain level of compromise to build a
relationship. And, as a result, the benefits are felt. It is never truer than in
relationships that you only get out of it what you put into it. If you are someone who is
out to purely think of yourself and whatever you can get out of each relationship, then
good luck. I know a girl who was stringing along three men, each who were dangling
more expensive baubles for her to respond. I also have met men who are quite happy
to not commit to any girl and enjoy the bachelor lifestyle.

These are not the persons I aspire to be and therefore when I looked at this aspect of
my life, I knew that I had to adjust my aims.

Under this umbrella of Love, I also put platonic relationships. I am lucky in so far that
I enjoy a few very good friendships. I like to think that I would be there for them in
times of need, as I know I can count on them. This was not always so. I chose my
friends for the wrong reasons, and when times were hard, they were found wanting. I
don’t count these people as friends, merely people I am lucky enough to have had the
odd laugh with along the way.
33

So have a look at this area of you life and go through the questions again. What was it
that initially attracted me to so-and-so? Either as a friend or as a lover? Do I compare
myself to them? What were your aims in starting relationships? The positive aspects of
them are bound to outweigh the negative ones. I found quite a few very happy
memories came flooding back when I did this. There have been some great times and
experiences with lots of people, many of which I am lucky to have been involved in.

One thing in modern life I absolutely abhor is the endless rescheduling of


appointments. It is common to set up a time to meet with a friend and the times are
always shifting. This has helped me in no end to find out who is reliable and who isn’t,
no matter how much fun I might have with them. If I find I am constantly keeping time
free to see someone and they frequently let me down, it makes me question my value
to them.

I s that all?

I found that when I had taken a look at these three areas, it was still a little unclear. I
found out that I had to look at my part and nobody else’s. It generally boiled down to
motives. What had they been at each stage or situation and what had I done as a result
of them?

When motives are looked at a whole new set of answers tend to emerge. They have to
be looked at in an honest fashion or else there is little point, but the fact is they tend to
answer a lot of questions. In my experience however, the first answer to the question,
“What is my motive?” is not always the most accurate. I have practiced finding out the
motives and am now generally fairly accurate. Because I know myself far better than I
did at the beginning of this process, I know the motives are generally selfish. I am not
saying that your motives are going to always be selfish - in fact this may happen on
scant occasion. It’s just that I found admitting my selfishness, i.e. a glaring fault, the
hardest to admit.

How did I find out that my motives were selfish? Did I go for that job because I really
thought I could bring a lot to the company or was it more a case of seeing what I could
get out of it? When J F Kennedy made his famous inaugural speech and told the people
of his country to ask what they could do for it rather than the other way round, it
raised some interesting issues. Selfishness is not a modern day phenomenon, nor is it
desperately unusual.

The problem is, however, you act selfishly your whole life it tends to come back to
haunt you. I am neither advocating a life of penance and self-denial nor am I
suggesting one of total donation of all worldly assets. We all have to live and we have
to find the right balance.

When looking at your motives for each of the three areas, ask yourself to ignore
anybody else’s part in the action. This is a lot easier than it sounds but do try. I can not
do anything about anyone else’s thoughts or actions. I simply have neither the time nor
34

the power. Nor can I change the past or any actions they may have taken. If I spent my
time trying to change what others had done in the past then I would waste an entire
lifetime, with little success!

So what was your part in it? Where were you selfish, greedy, proud, lazy or, indeed,
any of the seven ‘deadly’ sins? Even though we often hear them as the teachings of the
Bible, the anti-religious amongst you need not shy away.

When we behave in certain ways the mind tends to protect ourselves. We often find it
easier to blame another and therefore ignore our part. If this happens we tend to
make little headway and find it difficult to keep our minds together. I find an enormous
release when I admit to my fault. I have heard this referred to as keeping my side of
the street clean. If I am secure in my motives and then my actions, I gain great
strength and then tend to feel a whole lot better. It’s almost as if I have just expunged
a bucket of slime from my soul and then life looks just rosy.

Lots to diges t

By now there should be a list of a reasonable number of situations in work, home and
love that have caused you angst. There are some that might make you feel a bit icky,
there are some you would rather never happened and there are some that you could
be persuaded to believe are just not that important.

Either way, it is a testament to yourselves that you have this list. Most people drift –
even though they would be horrified to admit it – without a clear guide as to what they
have done and how they can change it. This list could well provide the key to keeping
your mind. At the very least, you may find that it has distilled certain fears and
thoughts and you may see a pattern.

Read it again. Look through it and remember each situation, thought and action that it
has helped you to remember. Feel the same emotions, worries and pleasure each of
these cases brought to you. Think about the way these feelings manifest themselves. I
am a great one for twitching whenever I feel uncomfortable. This twitching can
manifest itself in a number of ways, the most common being an ardent desire to do
something else, rather than face up to the cause of the discomfort. I only really
discovered this trait after this exercise, when I was prepared to admit to some of my
faults. Even now, I still try and shield some of my faults, even though I know life would
be better if I didn’t let them play out.

So there is now sitting round your house or flat a lot of very personal information
about yourself. I still can think that I will be the victim of a burglary and all my
intimate details will be published. Net result: I will be a laughing stock. Of course this
hasn’t happened, but everyone I know who has gone through a similar process has had
the same fear – and none of them have been burgled!
35

What us e is it?

Good question. If we were to merely take the list and never look at it again, then it
would have helped us in some little way, if only as an exercise in marshalling our
thoughts. However, I would suggest that there is a lot more that can be gained from
such work. I still use the first time I did this as a reference to the subsequent efforts.
Don’t worry, the more we practice, the better we get but I will go into this in more
detail later. I was so keen to find some seemingly obscure answers that I really
slogged away at it. I set out to complete it in a certain time, failed to do so, and
eventually finished it about a month later.

It has since served as a great framework for future efforts for two reasons. Initially, I
proved to myself that there was a lot to me that I just hadn’t admitted to previously.
Secondly, there was the application I had addressed it with, an application borne out
of desperation. I knew I could not have done it any better at the time. This I never
forget. Therefore I can compare subsequent efforts against the quality of the first one
and I know if I am swinging the lead.

As I have revisited this process, I have also learned a hidden benefit. It has trained my
mind to think along certain lines, lines I avoided before. The result of this is that I can
look at these issues again and there is a disciplined train of thought to go through to
seek the answers to myself.

That’s not merely the half of it. None of what I have talked about was my idea. If you
look at the teachings of great men and women through the ages, there is often advice
to take stock. You cannot grow to be Richard Branson without knowing what you have
on the debit and ledger sides. Nor could you run a cheese shop in the West Country
without the same dedication to honesty, an honesty combined with a disciplined
approach to procedures. Reading, talking to people and experimenting have taught me
how to do this process and the first stage is always the muckiest.

Wer e We Done Yet?

Only you know the answer! That’s what someone told me when I first did this. And I
wanted, quite frankly, to poke their precocious eyes out. But I learnt to ask whether I
was content with the process. I asked myself further questions. Had I been ruthless
and thorough? Had I probed for all the answers? Was there any more effort I could
bring to bear?

It is draining. When I had finished, I was bushed. I fell into the best sleep I had had in
weeks. I even called up a mate the next day to gloat… Don’t think I would ask you to
put every ounce of effort you have into this, so by the time you’ve finished it you are a
gibbering wreck, barely capable of blowing your nose, let alone going for a relaxing
walk to forget for a while. Just give it your best effort and don’t obsess about it.
Easier said than done.
36

Of course, the level of effort you have given may tell you something else, something you
have been skirting round. Do you like to admit to cutting corners or being obsessive
about something? Or is there is some other negative attribute with which you wish to
be credited? At this time, I would be surprised if you weren’t beating yourself up a bit
about life. So try not to berate yourself over the work you have put into this, merely be
grateful that you have completed something that many are terrified to face.

I ncr edible Achievement

At this point, I would however take a minute or two to really congratulate yourself.
Not many people are honest enough to face up to what they have done that might have
occurred for the wrong reasons. Fewer still are prepared to admit to their own
shortcomings. Of course, I didn’t take a minute or two – I took a couple of months. I
was so pleased with what I had done that I gave myself a large pat on the back and
thought that I had certainly done enough for the foreseeable future. The short version
is that I waited until I was feeling antsy again and I knew something was up so I
needed to take action.

The feelings in the meantime were excellent, though. I had made a breakthrough in
honesty and looked at some things that had possibly held me back from getting great
work that I was happy in. There were also answers to questions I had dodged but
knew had needed to be answered. If I had taken a job for the wrong reasons, it sure
was going to come back and make me feel bad about it. Call it what you will, but when
I do something for the wrong reasons, I tend to feel rather bad about the whole thing.

But here I had written proof of my reasoning and its flaws. It sure showed patterns in
my behaviour. Some people will have you believe that a habit can be easily changed.
That may be true, but you have to know what the habit is. I had displayed patterns of
behaviour of which I had previously been unaware.

I was told of continuously doing the same thing and expecting different results. I had
never seen that in certain cases, I repeated actions that led to exactly the same
conclusions, conclusions I was deeply dissatisfied with. This obviously meant I had to
change those patterns lest I fall into the same traps again, but at least now I could see
more clearly the traps.

You now have the framework for seeing those traits of behaviour that may lead you
into areas that you aren’t happy with. If you are anything like me, those traits may
never leave you, maybe are instinctive and you consistently act out on them. That is the
worst-case scenario. Things can be better and some may well leave you as you
recognise them.

Onw ar ds We M us t Go

I had found myself with reams (slight exaggeration, but it sure sounds good) of paper,
covered in my best drunken-spider writing, spilling out some of my innermost secrets.
37

Only thing was, there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I was going to write
everything down. Oh, no. I might be the victim of a burglar who specialized in really
‘personal’ effects. There might be someone out there, who worked for a large
organization, who was desperate to publicly humiliate me by broadcasting all my
innermost desires and drives.

So I kept a lot of it in my head. Which is where I thought it would, and most definitely
should, stay. Funny how those carefully laid plans often fall apart.

I can almost hear the shrieks of horror from here as you read this. Yes, I am talking
about sharing your stuff with someone else. Keep going and learn the benefits…
38

E xer cis es

We need to collate information to build a picture and I find the easiest way is through
comparison.

1. Take a blank piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.

2. On the left side write five positive reasons why you took the last (or present)
job. Was it the sector of your ambition, the best company in town, the funkiest
approach to work, the best salary, the best hours for your home life? Elaborate
on each reason until there are ten.

3. Do the same on the right side for the negative reasons why you might have
taken the job. Was it because you needed the cash, that there were debts to
pay, you couldn’t find work elsewhere, it’s the only employer nearby?

One of these sides is going to be a lot easier to fill than the other. I would imagine at
the moment the balance will lie in favour of the negative. There may well be more than
five on side or even both. It doesn’t matter. Try your best and you will have a list of
comparables.

For example:
Pos itive N egative
1 Exciting new company Needed a job
2 Interesting location Needed money to pay off debts
3 Great team to work with Only job offer I had
4 Growing reputation of firm Not a sector I wanted
5 It would stretch me Bluffed to get job

Even looking at these will bring up memories of the job in question, some good, others
that might make you a little uncomfortable.

Try and go back and go back through all your jobs and do the same exercise.

Once you have a list of reasons, we now need to look at the aims. These are different
because the reasons are very much a present tense action and the aims are looking to
the future.

For example:
Aims
1 Improve experience to get more work
2 Learn new language
3 Buy a house within eighteen months
4 Explore new avenues for starting up ventures of my own
5 Make an impression on an exciting project
39

This is the work side – remember the other two legs of the stool?

Home:
Pos itive N egative
1 Gorgeous setting Out of city
2 Dog friendly Cheap
3 Near to new work Ended old place with bad memories
4 Lifelong dream Couldn’t afford to buy
5 New area Wanted a change

These are some of the reasons I have used to take a place.

As for my aims:
Aims
1 Build home life in new area
2 Get dog
3 Live a country life
4 Meet like minded people
5 Settle down

Love:
Pos itive N egative
1 Made me laugh Not my type
2 Similar background Confused
3 Kind and loving person Couldn’t say no
4 Lovely smile Preferred a partner than being single
5 Great conversation Friends were jealous

These are real examples why I and others have got into relationships.

Possible aims:
Aims
1 Meet future wife/husband
2 Build joint experiences
3 Regular sex with someone you like
4 Good activity partner
5 Learn to grow in partnerships

These too, feature.

What are my motives?

Again, this one is tricky, but needs to be looked at. I divide reasons, aims and motives
into three areas – present, past and Machiavellian. I can twist my actions around to
40

suit whatever scheme I have thought up, but if I was to define my motives, they could
be listed as the following:

Pride
Envy
Gluttony
Sloth
Lust
Anger
Greed

Not original, but easily memorised. These are negative so there is the odd positive one
in there such as:

Love
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G etting I t O ut T her e to C hange

That Special Someone

The trouble with choosing the right person to confess all your details of work history is
about a matter of trust. If it is a really good friend who you feel you can trust, then
there will not be a problem. However, at times like this, we tend to get a little
concerned about such issues and therefore balk at taking such an action. I had to think
quite hard about who would be the right person

Being imbued with an unrealistically inflated sense of self-importance, I knew that the
person had to be the right one. No messing, no compromise – this one had to be
perfect. Oh, the plans we lay! In the end I told it to anyone who would just listen. No
one was really interested. There was no gossip within that wasn’t old hat, there were
no revelations that could set the world afire, it was just a case of one guy’s little brain
getting into right old scrapes. And usually with itself.

Please don’t think I am trying to belittle the importance of getting this stage right. All
I had to do was merely find a balance between my self-importance and the benefits
that would be accrued from spilling the beans.

H ang About, Why Should I do This ?! ?

Of course, I haven’t discussed why I think it is a great idea to talk to someone about
our innermosts. We all remember the adage that a problem shared is a problem
halved. Well, where I grew up, a secret shared was no longer a secret because
whomever you told it to would tell everybody. Not such a great way to deal with things.
I therefore sympathise if you think that this is a mad idea.

However (that word always crops up when you least want it), there are tangible
benefits to telling someone. Probably the easiest to define is once some of this stuff is
out there, then there’s little going back. It sure acted as a spur to me, if only as a
matter of pride. I also know that I felt a palpable sense of relief that I had got some of
this off my chest. Although it took me a while to realise it, I had known about most of
the reasoning behind my actions. I had merely ducked from admitting it or had tried to
justify it some other way. Actually writing it down on paper (or not, as I have
admitted) showed the patterns that I was both ashamed of and pleased to identify.

Talking to someone about them showed that there were others out there who thought
and acted the same way that I did. It also managed to help overcome the shame that I
had begun to recognise as a defence mechanism. If I was secure in myself, why worry
about what others thought? Easier said than done, but not a bad view to take, in
anyone’s book. The shame was an easy place to hide and it did nothing but hold me
back. So I went for it with my heart in my mouth.
42

Plenty of Fr iendly Ear s to Bend

Once I started to look for someone to tell, it was amazing how many people seemed
right for the job, nay honour, as I thought of it. There are a lot of kind people out there
who love to help others and not in a patronising way. I have heard of some who talk to
their priest, their psychiatrist or even their hairdresser. Not being Catholic, ever in
therapy or trusting an old man fairly brutal with the scissors, I did not have these
luxuries. The most obvious person turned out to be right in front of me.

Moving round the world, as I tended to do for excitement, if not for anything else,
meant that I got to make some very interesting friends. There was one who had lived
as a gang member and had knife and gun shot scars, dressed solely in black and rode a
very large motorcycle. Despite a rather scary past all he wanted to do was dance and
so he was a ballroom dance instructor. Girls swooned for him, lucky so and so. He had
great ears and would sympathise with you over anything.

Another was this lovely bloke who grew up in the West Indies and could free dive for
what seemed hours. We would go fishing and he would take one breath and chase
fishes all over the sea bed as I was constantly popping up for air. He set up a rugby
club and drove round town to fill up his truck with players who didn’t have vehicles to
take them to training and games. One of the most generous people I have ever been
lucky enough to meet. He could listen as well.

I admit these are exceptional cases and tend to stand out but I found that there are
many more, those who do not have to seem amazing just to help. The person I chose
was unemployed and had been made destitute at some point in his life by poor
decisions. When I compared myself to him (a fault that rears its ugly head too often) I
could not compete with hardship stories on the unemployment front. He listened
because he knew what it felt like to be going through what I was. I have found that
once you get past the initial stages of being just good mates and start to talk about the
important stuff in life, it is amazing how many others experience the same fears and
doubts that you do. It is not, for instance, terribly difficult to meet others who have
been out of work for more than six months. In modern society, most people don’t like
to admit this sort of thing lest it gives a negative impression, but then this sort of
people is not the type that I choose to associate with.

One of the lessons I have learnt about finding out about others is that it seems as if
they are not going to say much until I raise the subject. This used to seem like a
terrible risk but now is one which I barely register. I know what I value in a friendship
and if there is not a good level of communication then I am not going to get too excited
about counting them as good friends. Fairly brutal but effective.

On the positive side, there simply are lots of friendly and compatible people out there
who are prepared to listen. I have heard that many others apart from me tend to think
that their cases are unique and nobody else could possibly understand. I had to find out
that I am not that special and different, in many ways rather ordinary in both my
43

experiences and outlook. I am not going to set the world on fire, but hopefully I will be
content with myself. There are, literally, thousands out there who are the same.

Finding them can be a tricky one. You may have a very close friend in whom you have
trusted all your secrets. Fantastic. There may be a friendly uncle you always turn to for
advice, or a sympathetic neighbour who serves up your favourite cake when you go and
see them. Brilliant Have a look round and try to think whom you would like to talk to.
If there are none of the above, or even similar types, then try to make connections
with the right sort. Just meeting someone can tell you pretty early on whether you are
going to get on with them. Time will tell once you get to know them whether you can
confide in them and whether they either empathise or just sympathise. They are out
there. Do ask them to listen and you will be surprised how many are prepared to help.

Oh, and try not to rush into friendships just to complete this stage. Remember your
motives…

N ot The Eas ies t Thing To Dis cus s

There are two main approaches to such a task – formal and informal. The former is
one of requesting that someone sits there and listens while you expose stuff that only
you previously knew. The time is agreed and the butterflies tend to be rampant.
Excuses are sought and there seems to be an impending gloom about the whole
occasion.

Or the informal is one of it just cropping up in friendly chat with a mate or that certain
person you have chosen. I recently spent a day driving round East Anglia with a good
friend in his new car and chatted about pretty much everything. There were enough
breaks in the journey to ensure that we rested from whatever highbrow discussion
was ensuing but we still managed to chat about some of the more important stuff in
each other’s lives.

There cannot be any hard or fast rules about how to approach such a conversation.
When I first opened up, it was all in one and I talked solidly for about two and a half
hours. Subsequent discussions on similar topics have been far more piecemeal. What I
have learnt from the latter is that once I get going on one subject, I tend to want to
finish that chat and so I am always eager to return if there is an enforced break in the
conversation. There may well be the chance to break it down into the three areas
discussed in the previous chapter. If so, great, if not, then it is always possible to work
round it. Don’t be surprised if it turns out to be trickier that you envisaged. There may
well be sections of your work that you are understandably reluctant to reveal. The fear
of what the other person thinks is probably the main hindrance but you have already
asked them to listen so they should treat it as confidentially as you would like.

It is terribly easy to be blasé about the harm relationships can induce, but I do believe
that if the person we have selected turns out to be the wrong one then they either will
play no role in your life from then on or you just have to learn to not worry about what
44

they think. It’s no great shakes to have someone out there who knows your secrets
and then tells someone else or does another harmful act as a result of that knowledge.
I tend to feel sorry for them but there is little I can do. Vicarious pleasure gained from
someone else’s misfortune is not the most honourable way to lead a life and not one
that I even remotely aspire to.

Opening up about this stuff can be just as interesting for you as for the other. Only
when I talked to someone else about this did I realise how much I had omitted in my
written version. I was also talking about situations and reasons that I had, frankly, not
even thought of when I was writing. There were cases of behaviour I had forgotten
about. It was revealing to me. As I got into the swing of it, more came out, not
necessarily in a structured form of any sort, just information. Some of the chat was
spent reflecting on how I had forgotten such and such a motive or action and how an
even clearer pattern was emerging.

There are, as I have mentioned, no rules. I love the way the mind protects us from
some stuff and only reveals it when it is useful. Not only was I talking to someone
about very personal thoughts and actions, but I was also finding out more about
myself. Those things that made me tick the way I do, the impulses that I all too easily
gave into and the denials I had used to smooth over certain ugly situations. Not all of it
was bad, either. There was some stuff that I had previously unseen. My reaction to
myself was more of an indicator of my character that what I had actually done. Where
I had achieved some good results, I had often discounted it due to a negative self-
image. That self-image had driven me forward on a number of occasions, but it was
never in a contented way and I was fed up with looking at things through such a dark
glass.

Having spent the previous few months exploring myself, I was certainly in the habit of
analysing what was inducing reactions and motives. It was fascinating to discuss my
work history and the unease I had felt throughout and see the patterns emerging.
New patterns were also emerging as I went through the motives and actions I had
taken. Interesting flaws in my character were revealed, as well as laudable traits. I
was a fairly average human being with one or two talents. The problem was, as I
slowly admitted, that I tended to think too much about things. A little less thought and
a bit more action would certainly do me no harm.

You may well find as you embark on such a course of action that you end up with a
rounded view of yourself, a view that shows the credit and debit sides of your work
history’s ledger and what drives you into various situations. There will probably be
things that are so obvious you question the need for highlighting them. There will be
things of which you have previously been unaware. Whatever comes of it, there will be
a lightening of your load. Most of us tend to carry round what the psycho babble
spouting agony aunts of the popular press refer to as ‘emotional baggage’. All I think
about this stuff is that is just actions or thoughts we have shied away from. Doing this
work is the exact opposite and, as a result, there are huge benefits.
45

It’s another throwback to putting in the effort brings the rewards. You have been
putting in the effort and the rewards are on their way.

Remember The Aim

I commenced all this soul searching with a reasonably firm aim in mind – I wanted my
mind back. I just wanted to be content with where I was, understand what I had done
to get there and make some changes if there was another course I wished to pursue.
Simple, right?

Well, here was a part of the work I did that produced some real benefits. I talked
earlier about why I think it is a good idea to talk to someone else about the actions and
motives we took. When I had opened up and revealed, and also faced up to, some of
my past behaviour, the problems did not seem nearly so daunting. I felt a wave of
peace physically wash over me. I slept better than I had since I lost the job. There was
a spring in my step because I had new challenges to face. I wanted to change and I
had seen areas that I could work on.

There is no guarantee that these benefits will be felt so strongly or even at all at this
stage. I was lucky. It just helped me realise that I was doing the right thing and that I
had also carried around a lot of useless ‘junk’ in my little head that did considerably
more harm than good. I still know about what I did but there is no longer the angst
when I reflect upon it. Occasionally, and I emphasise the word occasionally, I can even
laugh at myself.

We Ar e N ot The Only Ones

One small lesson that came out of this part of the work was the empathy I engendered
in the person to whom I told it. Lots of acknowledgements of similar situations and
giggles at comparable experiences. They too had developed repetitive patterns of
behaviour that had not helped. This was of enormous benefit to me because I knew I
was not alone.

Besides, why are you reading this book?

Time To M ove On U p

If we have identified certain traits in our behaviour and then confessed them to
someone else, we are in a fairly rare position. Yes, there are countless tales of people
doing similar acts in search of enlightenment with regard to various aspects of their
life, but they are still in the minority. So pat yourself on the back and reflect on your
good fortune. When I had got to this stage, I expected everything to work out and be
wonderful so I was a little disappointed when it didn’t. I was very happy with all the
stuff I had finally admitted and yet there was no huge release of concerns. I still
worried and was equally capable of making the same mistakes again and again.
46

I have said that I felt very free and was enormously grateful for the results my efforts
had produced but I still needed to improve. There were consistent patterns in my
behaviour that seemed never to change and I had been barely aware of them prior to
this work. These patterns seemed relentless in their desire to position me in the
wrong kind of work situation. What had obviously happened was that I was now out of
work, eating my way through my savings and getting further into debt, not really sure
what would come next, let alone how I was going to react to it.

Since I had really started looking at myself and admitting to certain habits, I also was
getting rather scared about the consistency of my actions and reactions. I really
wanted to understand more but, at this stage, I had delved as deep as I could and
there were no more obvious answers. I had a (non-written – didn’t want the world
finding out yet) list of what I tended to do in certain situations, patterns of reactions
and actions around work. It still wasn’t clear why these patterns had pushed me to
where they had or even what an alternative to them might be.

All I knew was that I wanted to change because I was in a bind and it was obvious
that if I carried on doing the same old things, I was going to carry on being in the same
bind.

I had identified motives that were distinctly less than honourable and actions I had
taken as a direct result of them. Scant attention had been paid as to how these things
would affect others or whether they could improve me as a person. As many people
have, I became obsessed with reputation. I really cared about what others thought
about me and, in London, the work aspect of that fear can be hugely debilitating. The
eternal question about what you did I found not only offensive but also frightening
because I wanted to say something that was exciting and ‘better’ than my questioner. I
wanted the right address, the right car, girlfriend and all that. I was horrified by how
much work those who did get these things had to put into getting them and I certainly
never seemed to fit in. All debilitating stuff but I just didn’t give up thinking that if I
only had that pair of jeans, or that record, I would then be all right. Utter baloney, of
course.

These things never made a blind bit of difference. There was a stage when I had a
very fast sports car, pots of cash and a beautiful girlfriend. I did some very exciting
work and got to meet fascinating people. I hated it. At the time I could not admit
exactly what motivated me to take the job in the first place and so I decided to leave. I
opted for what I thought was the greatest job in the world and found myself on a
Caribbean island in a totally miserable mood. I pursued professional qualifications to
set myself above contemporaries with a fervour that had me winning prizes and
coming top of most classes. I was impatient and ambitious. I had little time for certain
basic tenets of work and wanted to get somewhere fast. I still find the lure of certain
working practices attractive rather than admitting that there are more sensible
approaches. I was fired from a potentially great job because I wanted to change things
and was not allowed to even contribute to the most basic elements of management.
47

None of these were clear to me when I found myself sitting in a flat in south London
wondering what to do next and, more importantly, cursing the grey gloom that
pervaded every thought.

If there was a book on job-hunting, I either bought, borrowed or used a library to read
it. I sent off numerous résumés to all sorts of companies. I was extremely
disheartened by the responses I received. The bland impersonality of the form letters
infuriated me but I understood many jobs were over subscribed. One company wrote a
glowing advertisement about the quality of their staff and took three weeks to even
acknowledge my application. They then failed to respond to a series of letters to
various directors until I wrote to the chairman expressing amazement at the
discrepancy between their advertisement and the reality of their employees. He was
not best pleased and passed my missive back down the chain to the human resources
person in charge of the original applications. They, in turn, were not too happy to have
been criticised so summarily told me to desist from any further communication. This
wee battle certainly didn’t even gain me an interview but it felt good. For a bit.

If I was going to use this section to vent, then I could go on. The facts speak for
themselves. I sent over 150 applications and approaches to companies and agencies in
one year alone. I was given two interviews, one for a position I never even wanted. It
ground me down. I read with glee articles disparaging human resources departments,
the departments that were the gatekeepers to the roles I wanted to fill. I despaired at
the politics that seemed prevalent in modern workplaces and I was flabbergasted at
the way some people seemed to glide into job after job and others, seemingly more
capable, were held back. The only net result was that I stayed out of work.

It was driving me insane.

N eces s ity I s Sur ely The M other Of I nvention

Something had to be done and I set out on the work outlined here. It was not a smooth
transition of waking up and going for it, but it took time and adaptation, lessons had to
be learnt and I had to face up to certain truths.

I started out on this work because all else seemed to have failed. I wanted something
that would work, a plan, a series of actions that would produce some beneficial
results. If all the applications were failing to get me a job, what needed to be
changed? I had a number of résumés that covered various job types, I had applied to
advertisements, networked and sent off cold-call letters to scores of companies. I had
to get honest about what was driving me because if I could see the engine, I might be
able to see the engineering flaws that were putting me on the wrong road.

There were many efforts at trying to find solutions. Hours were spent staring at the
wall trying to work it out. If I had smoked, I would probably have gone through a
packet an hour as I ruminated. Nothing seemed clear. One thing I had never tried was
actually writing it down, so I did. Answers started to appear.
48

These answers seemed to be ones of repetition. They exposed my character for all its
warts. Much more was revealed to me than a simple quick-fix solution to finding a job.
I had all my motives and reasoning laid out before me and it was obvious that
something needed changing if my circumstances were to alter. Then a bit more fear
came in.

You might be more fortunate and face the patterns and then change them. I was
afraid of the unknown. If these patterns were consciously changed then I was afraid
that a perilous journey would befall me. What I was afraid of was that I had been
mooching through certain patterns that had not achieved any level of real pleasure in
my work but if I changed what seemed to be my natural reactions, then what would
happen. Misery is entirely optional in this life but, to over-dramatise, I was opting for
the miserable choice because it was well known and therefore navigable.

If this turns out to be the case with you, then it might be also fairly obvious that
something needs to be changed. I certainly could not continue in the same vein I had
been struggling in for so long. I was afraid of changing, however. If I just said that
everything I did was going to be predicated on different motives, then I didn’t actually
have a clue what the consequences might be. I became tortured by worries of the
unfamiliar.

Change means change

It certainly doesn’t take the brains of an archbishop to work out that if things appear
to not be going well, your mind is in a complete flux and you can’t seem to be able to
get out of the slump, then there is a need for change. To make a conscious decision to
get rid of all the negative and restrictive patterns in your behaviour seems an easy
concept. It is. It is, after all, just a decision. What tends to make it more than a mere
mental decision is that there has to be some action to validate it.

Just try to remember that when you truly make this decision, there is no going back.
You have acknowledged that there are some serious flaws in your reasoning that tend
to have a decidedly negative impact on your mind. You naturally want rid of them. You
might want to think how you are going to get rid of them. You might want to think
about with what you are going to replace them. I do believe that it is very easy to say
that I want to be a better person – it’s just becoming a better person tends to be a tad
tricky. So think hard and long about what part of your basic make up you are trying to
change and expunge. Try and recall if these same decision making traits had resulted
in some positive things happening to you.

You will probably want to get rid of them. Great. Simple decision, one that is hopefully
reached after some level headed thinking and one that is undoubtedly right to improve
your general lot.
49

The job is clos er

I would assume that if you are anything like me, you may well have continued your
search for that perfect job whilst doing this work. During that time, you may well also
have applied some of the lessons in this book. Maybe now is the time whether to ask
how these techniques have helped you. You will also notice that you are still only about
halfway through the book. That’s fine now, because if you have that perfect job and
you are truly happy inside with it, then our work is done. I hope. We have a natural
early euphoria system to certain things. New house, new relationship, new car, new
job. I heard some time ago that seven months is as good an introductory time for a
new job as any. The initial learning time is over, you tend to be both familiar and
comfortable with your position and responsibilities and you are established in the
company with all its politics within.

This doesn’t mean that the decision to absolve ourselves of some the less productive
character traits can be dodged. Since you are here, you might as well push on, decide
that there is room for improvement by getting rid of these, and work to improve. Then
the job, that might actually seem merely mediocre at the moment, can be viewed in a
totally different light. I find it amazing that when I am determined (and sometimes I
have to really put some effort into getting into that frame of mind) to look at
something in a positive light, how much better it seems. Even the greyest and most
dreary day can take on a whole new patina when looked at in a positive light.

Having taken the decision to improve by cutting out some of your traits does actually
mean a whole new outlook on life. Facing up to who you are and how you operate is
one of the hardest acts in life. Everyone, at some point in their lives, wants to be
different to what they choose to see themselves as. This tends to be an error of
perception because you cannot see what you are made up of unless you examine
yourself thoroughly. If you can accept that the brain, by governing everything we do, is
the most powerful muscle in the body, then you can accept that this part of you needs
to be looked at closely to understand yourself.

This is what you have done up to now. What we need to look at now is how to move
forward and change yourself into that better person. This will not be done by looking
backward at what you have done already, more what you can do in the future. The
research is there to show on what you can base your future decision, but at the same
time, you will be entering unchartered waters and therefore it will all be forward
looking. There will be times of uncertainty and fear but nothing ventured does mean
nothing gained after all. So work on and let’s see what the future can hold for you.
50

D ecis ions , D ecis ions , D ecis ions

Jus t for You

Up till now, with the exception of a sympathetic pair of ears, the whole process has
involved one person. You - your life, your jobs, why you got into the position you chose,
how it was affecting your head. This is great. It saves the embarrassment and also
keeps all the mucky stuff pretty well contained.

You are right to take this as a warning!

If you work in an igloo, hundreds of miles from the nearest neighbour, purely use the
internet or an elk to communicate with work contacts and are totally isolated from the
working world that most of us are confined within, then maybe you will survive.
Generally though, you will have to interact with others and, personally, I would rather
meet and liaise with other people. I tend to like mingling, communicating, building
relationships. A lot of the time I may not wish them to be life long buddies but this is
not what this work is about.

You have a list of errors made, often unwittingly, and the scrapes they pushed you into.
You have already decided to try not to make these errors again but there is no
alternative at the moment. You also have some fallout from these mistakes insofar as
others may have been affected. There is now an opportunity to go forward, mend old
and build new relationships and polish one of the key skills of the workplace – getting
on with others. You also have a working laboratory in which you can conduct certain
experiments from which you will be able to understand even more about yourself.

What’s Left?

The decision to change is a great one to take. You have gone through this by deciding
that the traits, which have previously pushed you into poor decisions, are now surplus
to requirements. However, it is worth remembering that these traits were the driving
force. If they are no longer there, what can be the alternative? What are better
traits?

I don’t know. I have to be honest throughout but if you came up to me and asked for a
simple answer to the conundrums you are facing in regaining your head, I would, quite
frankly, stammer and splutter. There is no easy solution. I have heard people say that
they heard one sentence, some analogy, an utterance and it changed their outlook
forever. I wish I had a pat answer. That’s not a false wish. To write how ever many
words are in this book takes a fair bit of time (it’s not the first book I have started)
and instead if I could write a quick one-stop answer down on a piece of paper and mail
it out to whoever wanted it, the life would be a lot easier. It would have to be at the
reasonable price of £49.99, of course, because good advice shouldn’t come too cheap.
51

If you are anything like me, you may have thought at some time along the way about
behaving like someone else. This simple thought (however negative its impact on you
might have been) would have occupied your mind for a long time. Often I have wished
to have obvious traits that are displayed in others. Whether they were as simple as the
ability to go and talk to a beautiful girl, or more appropriately to this study, how to
apply myself to a plan and see it through. There have been many people that I have
worked with who have seemed so focussed on their careers and jobs that there has
been scant deviation from a very successful path. I now find myself grudgingly
admiring their ability to have achieved what they have while I have, quite frankly, been
having a lot of fun.

Therefore there may be the examples of what to replace your old habits with. These
habits you see in others are not beyond the realms of possibility. Trying not to think
about it and merely getting on and doing it can work wonders. I cannot promise you
that if you decide to write down a series of goals and a timeframe for them all, you will
be amazed at the results. You probably will if you haven’t done it before.

H ang about, w hat about the old s tuff?

You see, we have moved on from worrying about the old baggage and behaviour and
started to think about a new way of acting. I believe quite fervently that you can think
your way all you like but unless you take action, those thoughts might as well be
harmless clouds scudding across the sky. There is going to be a whole load of old
thoughts which will drive you into similar situations as to those that befell you
previously. There is no way that you can change one hundred per cent overnight. There
is also little chance of you not slipping backwards in your progress sometimes. Sorry.

But you can achieve a remarkable average forward movement. Doesn’t sound like
much, but think of buying a house and selling it ten years later. It is unlikely that during
that entire time the value continued to rise. Inflation would have taken a bit out of its
value year on year as well. However, it is extremely likely that the value would, on
average, increase. Of course you have to put some effort into it, for instance keeping it
insulated and painted but for the money you can make, it’s remarkably little effort if
you just buy a good house and maintain it for a decade. Approach this phase of work
with a similar frame of mind and you should be delighted with the progress.

Hopefully, you will be reasonably aware of how your thought processes work with
relation to work. We are trying to sort out the head, remove the confusion and get the
right frame of mind to carry us through unemployment or your current role and
hopefully into a cracking job. Or at least, one that you perceive to be wonderful. That’s
the important thing – how you perceive the job.

Remember talking about the motives? Well, I would think that by now you are well
and truly set on a more achievable set of motives, probably with a more generous and
honest nature to them. Therefore, some of the old baggage has started to leave you.
This also has happened along the process and did not have to delay until now for
52

successful completion. If you treat the phases in this book as a framework for
approaching this issue, you can go through the process again and again. As you do it
more often, not only will it become easier, but the actions will happen sooner.

If you were the architect of the traits and motives that have driven you previously, then
surely you must be able to redesign them. There must be a way of thought and action
that you can adopt that will facilitate this. Personally, I advocate taking the actions
first, then thinking about them. Let me explain.

In my short experience, I noticed that some of my motives were distinctly dodgy. I was
scared of choosing more decent ones because I thought I might just use supposedly
good motives to carry on working in a caddish fashion. So I checked out some traits,
mostly in others around me, some from books and the odd one from the perfect
laboratory of Hollywood, and tried to act in the same way. I would love to tell you that
I sat down, wrote a shortlist of desired attributes and then inculcated them in my
every act. This is patently not the way I operate and I realised that if I set myself such
a goal, I would stumble at the first hurdle. I am much more lackadaisical in my
approach.

However it is possible to set yourself little goals of behaviour. If I found that my


thoughts had driven me one way, then I tried to accept that I was not the great
architect and therefore adopt a radically opposite approach. This may sound ludicrous
but give it a go.

I wanted to live in a certain postcode because I figured it would improve my standing


in so-called society. I would like to think that I’m not the only one; in fact I’ve been to
enough parties and been bored rotten by pretentious idiots trying to impress me with
where they lived. The sad part about it was, it took me a long time to realise that I
was letting these so-and-sos influence me. Instead I went and lived in a so-called not
so nice place. I chose a council estate. It was a bit odd.

There is a reasonably well known school of thought that talks about imitating others to
improve oneself. Will it work? Well, I can only say that it is very much up to you how
much you apply yourself. I certainly have found that I can adopt the habits of others
but I do revert back to my old behaviour.

I view it very much as taking on new skills, not dissimilar to going on a training
programme. Having worked for a while as an instructor (most of the time I taught
instructors what and how to instruct) I appreciate the techniques necessary to take on
board new practices. Believing fervently in imitation and practice as two key tenets to
learning, I have found this is the same way with behavioural traits.

Top tips lear nt the long w ay

I mentioned earlier something that I think is key to this lesson. I have always found it
very hard to apply myself to one project or task and see it through once the pitfalls and
53

mountains started appearing. This book is very much a case in point because, as we
stand, it has only taken eighteen months so far! I will say that I am a lot better and the
ways I have learnt to combat my natural apathy and lethargy have been as follows.

A long time ago I was told that one of my major faults (always a pleasing
conversation) was that I only aimed for excellence and was not prepared to settle for
what I perceived as second best. It also meant that once I hit the foothills of any
struggle, I tended to give up because the goal was so far away that relinquishing the
desire was relatively easy. I have had to learn to do things differently. The balance in
these situations is always the hardest to find as I tend to strive one way or the other
and find myself either relentlessly obsessing about a goal or giving up far too easily.

Some things are meant to be and it can be extremely frustrating when that perfect
scenario just seems to happen with no input. It’s almost uncanny. On the other hand,
some things will never happen, no matter how hard you struggle. I have mentioned
about striving to do something again and again and expecting different results and how
that has to be appreciated as a lesson. Well, if I told you that I spent over two years
trying to find work in a particular sector to no avail, and I mean no avail insofar as I
had two interviews for jobs I wanted during that entire time. I had started in this area
upon finishing my MA by setting up my own concern and going it alone, winning a huge
contract only to watch that project disappear before my very eyes through my own
naiveté. I assumed that the experience gained in this project would set me up for
future work. I was very wrong and had to go through an uncomfortable two years
trying to re-enter a crowded marketplace.

Some of this time was spent being frustrated and lethargic, finding it hard to push
myself to carry on. The lessons were really twofold: firstly, not to give up on something
just because it became difficult and; secondly, to know when to cut your losses!

The first lesson took no time to intellectualise, quite a while to implement. Just
rationalising that a little bit at a time would add up to a large result is easy to think
through. I understood the concept, despite my natural desire to want everything
yesterday. I thought it through and tried to work out little goals to achieve.

In this example, these included ten applications or curriculum vitas to be sent out every
day. That meant that fifty people would receive my CV on their desk every week. I had
to accept that some would just get binned, some would not get to the right person,
some would be wrong for the job and some may get looked at. There may not even be
a job at most of the organisations I wanted to write to but there may be an opening in
the future that I would be considered for. I had a little experience in job hunting and
had received enough letters that were couched in the usual non-committal language
that human resources staff used. I have yet to meet someone who was contacted by a
firm after they had received a letter that promised retention of their CV and if future
suitable positions were to arise etc, etc. There might be some out there. I would be
delighted to hear from them as it is, in fact, an encouragement to all work seekers.
54

Allowing for the fact that there are approximately forty six working weeks in the year
once holidays have been accounted for, and I was on this particular quest for two
years, there should have been over four and a half thousand CVs of yours truly that
landed on desks of industry chiefs. For a start, that is one large sector and one large
amount of paper.

Of course, this didn’t happen. I would be struck by bursts of enthusiasm and send out a
batch of one hundred or so to a sector of this industry. I would then sit back and wait
for those responses because I had to chase up each letter. Even paying for such
diligence would have crippled me. Fifty second class stamps each week plus follow up
calls during peak hours would have cost some twenty five pounds a week. Doesn’t
sound a lot when you are earning, but when every penny counts, it matters a lot and
pretty soon adds up.

Anyway, it wasn’t the cost that stopped me. My head was in a flux and worsened,
despite my determination, with every rejection. It was also a tough goal because all it
required was one missed day and I would felt worse about myself. So I had to learn.

Pr actice w hat you think

It’s all well and good to have a super plan that looks great and is achievable in bite
sized chunks. The only trouble is – we are all human. Much of the management
refinements we have endured over the past thirty years have to been to minimise the
human input and turn us into faultless automatons. It has improved productivity by a
vast amount but it also has its own negative impact.

That being said, we are dealing with one person’s mind and its general well being. The
aim of this book is to get that mind back into line so that future work is chosen for the
right reasons and that you are comfortable with why you chose that particular job.

By acting your way into a new way of thinking you will achieve this far more easily.
Practice what you think almost as soon as you think it. If the circumstances stay the
same and you keep on acting in the same matter, things just are not going to change.
So change your actions.

Here comes the odd bit. If you brush your teeth after shaving or bathing, try it the
other way round. If you always read the news first thing in the morning, try watching
it on television. If you like running as an exercise, try walking. Just try something
different. You have got yourself to where you are and you need to change. Practice
other actions and your circumstances will naturally change.

I was having a chat the other day with a friend about affirmations. Many books assure
you that if you tell yourself three times a day how wonderful you are then you will soon
believe it and therefore achieve enormous results. All well and good. It does work. I
don’t like it because I feel an absolute chump looking at myself in the mirror and
telling myself things. Could be the reserved Brit in me that shies away from such new
55

age ‘touchy feely’ sort of stuff. That’s my view. There are enough people out there who
shared my scepticism, tried it anyway and then found benefits. Another example of the
architect being flawed in his or her concept. I don’t know best. I have to constantly
learn and practice. Have a look at the exercises at the end of this chapter for some
other ideas for changing your habits.

Omelettes and Eggs

By trying to adopt new habits and actions that are going to change your thoughts,
there are going to be some other consequences. These are going to affect other
people, even if it is at such a minor level that you don’t notice it. I have found that
interaction with people is changed once I take a different course of action.

We are all aiming for improvement so it naturally stands that if we are getting better,
then there are going to be periods in our past that have been less than perfect. Much
of our time on this little world is spent interacting with others and the workplace is
certainly no different. Most jobs require the adoption of a slightly unnatural code of
practices when dealing with others. How many times do we hear about a ‘professional’
approach to situations? I have certainly noticed people working with what seems to
me an incredible level of dedication such that they are able to ignore a lot of the
patently obvious nonsense that goes with everyday work.

These are people I do have a grudging jealousy for since I am one who has always
spoke his mind. You may well be of this ilk. Bravo! Let me know how you do it – I
haven’t a clue or merely am in possession of a rather impatient mouth. I remember a
works party some ten years ago when I got very bored with inane conversation and hid
in one of the ante rooms. I got chatting to this lovely woman about the rubbish we had
to put up with at these sort of dos, making polite chit-chat with people we neither
knew nor were particularly interested in. She agreed wholeheartedly with me and
mentioned her husband’s name a few times. It was only when one of the senior
manager types came over and, frankly, started sucking up to her, that I realised that
she must be quite important. By adding two and two together I worked out that she
was the wife of the most important person at the party, the equivalent of the chairman
of the board. She had obviously been trooped out to innumerable parties of a similar
ilk throughout the years and had got thoroughly fed up. She was wonderful when I
realised my gaffe and tried to make good but maintained the overt dislike of the
politicking that these organisations create.

I was lucky. On the other hand, there are numerous gaffes and mistakes throughout
my working life that made me either cringe at the time or after. The list was seemingly
endless and it includes some I had managed to get away with. Talking to people has
led me to understand that others make similar errors and have sometimes paid dearly
for them.

There are also the deliberate errors one might do, generally to further your own
career. These do not have to be massive and designed to set you up for the next
56

decade, but could be as little as writing a report that puts you in a more favourable
light than perhaps the circumstances should have allowed. These ones tend to cause
the most angst.

Either way, even if there are none of the latter, I suggest you take some time and
make a list. This should comprise what these errors or misjudgements were, where
and when they happened and whom they might have affected. This can often be
achieved by revisiting the work done earlier in this whole process. There will be
pointers as to where certain patches of discomfort may have existed. These patches
are often caused by a conscience, no matter how hard you try to repress it. I get
twinges of conscience for the slightest thing now and it is a real struggle to evaluate
most of them. But that will come later.

Write the list down and have a look at it. You don’t have to show it to anyone so there
are no concerns about what others may think. As I have mentioned before, people are
generally far too interested in themselves to be overly concerned about others,
especially if finding out that information requires some effort. Once you have the list
and have looked at it, it may not provide many solutions and may just depress you
because you feel it is a revision of your faults.

Fair thoughts, but what we are trying to do is to train you to think differently by acting
differently. You would not normally have written such a list down so there are bound
to be fresh thoughts emanating as a result. I would also think that there is a reason
why you feel uncomfortable about revisiting such occasions.

N ailing that cons cience

When I embarked on this process, made mistakes, and tried to learn along the way, I
noticed that I was changing the way I thought. This was done by actions, but once the
thinking methods started to change, the actions became more frequent and so the
thoughts changed more quickly. I also found that the new way of thinking (funnily
enough) brought new thoughts that were incredibly helpful.

These thoughts were not always positive. I certainly felt bad about some occasions at
work where either I had made a mistake or had done a selfish deed at the cost of
someone else. I will not waste time listing them here – it might be too easy for you to
find differences and excuse yourself the next stage! Where before I had managed to
either forget or sweep some of the results of these actions under the carpet, a new
way of regarding them raised its very uncomfortable head. I have labelled this as my
conscience as I can think of no simpler way to describe such feelings.

I thought these were not positive thoughts because they were incredibly
uncomfortable. The truth is, they were extremely positive because they forced me to
act. I found out that the only way to quieten that blasted conscience was to make good
my previous errors.
57

This is by no means easy. For a start, admitting my own part in mistakes and ignoring
the influence of others on such circumstances had been a trifle tricky. Now I was
looking at rebuilding these areas of my work history. This is mainly a selfish process
because the number one benefactor has got to be yourself. If I remembered that as
one of the guiding principles, it tended to make certain parts of the process easier.
Therefore making good on past errors was going to be a struggle, especially if that
involved others. Let’s come back to that in a bit.

Simplifying the making good pr oces s

Go back to your list of harms to others and have a look at those who may have been
affected by your actions. Take a moment with each one to think how you would have
felt if you had been the recipient of such an action, and had known about it at the time.
I started to write down my possible reactions and made it quite a long way down the
list before some real patterns started to emerge. I began to think I would feel exactly
the same emotions with all the actions so had to step back and try and find different
expressions for my probable reactions.

This is a funny part of the process. You have made a list of all the upsets and motives
in your work life, possibly including others about your outside life, and now it has to be
revisited. This is usually because the icky feelings past actions may have caused are a
fair indicator of mistreating someone else. That can make this easier, but usually it is a
pain to think again about the bad times.

I have found out that these bad feelings are usually the result of unresolved issues. If
you still feel negatively about something that happened last week, month or year, then
there is still some work you can do to change that. In today’s society, the pressure
seems to be to brush it under the carpet, look out for number one and move on. That’s
probably why so many books and articles sell so well telling people to do exactly that.
If most people were able to do such a seemingly simple act, then they would only have
to be told once and that would be enough. Trouble is, it’s not really that simple and
such a decision merely papers over the cracks of the problem, dealing with the
symptoms rather than the cause.

So we have to go back and really repair those areas that still cause discomfort. Sounds
obvious and the solution is rather simple – go and apologise. When you go and say
sorry for your wrongs, and your motives in doing so are clean, then it tends to be,
frankly, amazing how the guilt, remorse, annoyance and all other bad feelings tend to
dissipate.

Will they r emember ?

It all sounds a bit melodramatic to present yourself in front of someone who you have
wronged and profess your undying remorse. That’s not really the aim. Turning an
apology for your misdeeds into something grandiose is rather self-serving and will not
help your cause.
58

The aim is to help you. That’s why we are trying to work through this process and
leave you with a much quieter head; one that has learnt to appreciate your reasoning
and that will remain stable for a while. Besides, if it doesn’t, there is always this
process that can be repeated. Therefore we have to examine once again the motives. I
admit quite freely that apologising for a wrong will bring relief from your conscience.
However, if that is the reason behind the apology, that relief will not last for long.

I found that by working through this process, my thinking had started to change. One
of the benefits I received was a more honest approach to decisions and actions and I
found that I could not act on this approach without a clean bill of health. I had to make
good because I was genuinely sorry for what I had done. Look at your past errors and
determine which ones you are honestly sorry about. Take time to think each one
through and decide whether you feel the right way about them. If you do not, then an
apology will be of little long-term use.

If you are anything like me, you will probably find that the list divides into three. The
first third (and they are not necessarily evenly matched portions) are errors for which
you feel real remorse and about which you are prepared to make good. The second
section has wrongs that you do not feel sorry about strongly enough to justify an
apology. Then there is the last portion which usually comprises of wrongs for which,
under any foreseeable circumstances, you will never go and apologise. Usually it’s
because you still feel some level of ire or you might feel that the other person has
misbehaved to a far greater degree than yourself.

The easy first bunch are great. I thought that I would start on these and the others
would follow. This happened with some of them but I had to look at the more stubborn
ones. I had to come to terms with my part in the wrongs, not anybody else’s, and see
that to go forward I must apologise. I then started to feel a lot more sorry!

The goal here is not only to realise your wrongs but to genuinely feel sorry for them.
Try as hard as you can to remove others’ actions from the feelings, try to look at only
your part, try to work out why you refuse to feel sorry for some and try to find some
compassion for others who may have been affected. There is enough good in all of us
to achieve these things and therefore there is enough good to feel sorry for one’s own
actions. If you want to realise your part, acknowledge your errors and develop
yourself as a person to get your head back, the sorrow is likely to come. Nurture it for
now. Some of this sorrow will not come immediately but there is plenty to be getting
on with in the meantime.

I t w ill impr ove

Now you are in a super position. You have looked at your work history and not only
realised but probably come to terms with why you did the things you have done. You
also have looked at some of the more painful instances in your career where you
misbehaved in some way, have learnt to acknowledge your part and are therefore
59

ready to go out and make good. Some of these, as I have mentioned, may not be ready
for restitution yet but give them time while you move forward. It’s easy to get stuck on
this process at almost any stage so it is important to work at moving forward. This is
the only stage where you can put off some of the work until later, but only when you
are honest about the motives for doing so!

Now it befalls you to go out and make good, restore your conscience to a healthy
condition and probably do more for your peace of mind than anything else up to this
point. You wouldn’t be able to take the next step without all the work already
completed so take a moment to give yourself a large pat on the back before turning the
page and facing more challenges.
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E xer cis es

The aim here is to define exactly where we might have harmed others and get ready to
make good for those wrongs. Time for some writing!

Make a list of ten habits that you would like to adopt in your workplace. Take your
time to define these as they will come in useful later, either when you land your job or
when you start to practise them. For example:
1. Run a project management programme on all tasks, prioritising time and effort
to each section thereof
2. Answer emails within five minutes of reading them
3. Be early four days out of five (and on time for the fifth!)
4. Take evening classes to assist in promotional prospects
5. Write list of goals for the day each morning, for the week each Monday, for the
month on the first
6. Dress for the rank above the one you hold
7. Put in your diary all the birthdays of your work colleagues
8. Save 5% of your salary for special treats every month
9. Look up ten possible new dream jobs every week
10. Write a plan for where you want to be in five years time in terms of work,
home and love

Keep the list safe and look at it at least once a week, in fact make looking at it a new
habit!

When you read the list, visualise each habit. Think about how you would look as you do
it. Imagine your body language and the determination you would have to complete each
task.

Then act them out, one at a time. Make time, not excuses. This will help change your
thinking rapidly, but will need to be maintained.

We need a list of our wrongs so we can rectify them. Write down what you have done
that may have harmed others in your work history and try to imagine how you would
have felt had that same act been done to you, either personally or as a boss. For
example:

Act Pos s ible r eaction


Cheated on my expenses Affronted, aggrieved
Regularly late for work Exasperated, desire to sack
Badmouthed colleagues Insulted, upset, marginalised
Missed deadlines Frustrated, annoyed
Disloyal attitude Excluded, distrustful
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Whilst these are but five, they are fairly indicative of some of our most common
wrongs. Really try to think how you would feel if you were on the receiving end and
you may well see some patterns begin to emerge in your behaviour.
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R ectify and R epeat

People to meet

There is your list, you have admitted a lot about yourself, you possibly want to get out
there and make good since you now have the desire. This is a time that can make or
break this whole process. Don’t belittle the work you have already achieved – regard it
as a solid foundation for the next stage.

All those wrongs that you have come to terms with now need resolving. You have tried
to get your mind round even some that you thought you would never feel sorry for, or
at least sorry enough to apologise. I was champing at the bit to get out there and see
these people because I thought that my previous actions were still acting as a block on
my development. The freedom to have my mind back was being denied by a bunch of
skeletons in my closet. I had managed to also understand that if I apologised just to
make myself feel better then it would not work. That was a purely selfish act as the
benefits to others would be lessened.

Once I had reached a stage of really feeling sorry to the people that I had harmed, I
was ready to go out and work on them. I had wanted to feel sorry because I knew that
this was the next stage and I had to believe that it would help or else I might as well
give up.

All the remorse did not greet me with the sunrise one morning. It was a gradual
process and one that still goes on. If I had waited for every wrong to be changed into a
feeling of sorrow combined with an urge to make good, I would be suiting around until
hell froze over. So I decided to at least feel sorry for a good number and set to work.
Besides, I naively reasoned, I was on the best path and nothing would harm me now –
right? Oops, there I went again, dangerously assuming stuff.

After the previous chapter, there is probably a bunch of wrongs that you either always
felt, or have more recently come to feel, bad about. This will almost definitely not be
all-inclusive, and, if you think it is, then I suggest you go back and have another look
since there are bound to be wrongs that you have yet to feel remorse about. Or, to be a
little more honest, if you have a complete list now, you are a right jammy so and so
since it took me a lot longer.

Thr ow your s elf at their mer cy

I was full of fire and wanted to go out and confess all my misdeeds. My humility knew
no bounds! I saw myself as a pious monk on his lonesome path to redemption and was
checking out the fashion magazines to see if sackcloth and ashes was still an outfit
selling on the high street. I wanted to feel the pain of my sorrow and really throw
myself at everyone’s mercy, knowing that I was a sinner of the first order and
deserved my suffering.
63

Absolute baloney of course, since all I was really doing was trying to set myself up for
a few falls at the first fences and then have justifiable excuses for giving up. I did,
however, realise that I had to approach this in a constructive way, one that was
obviously going to benefit me, but without the complication of hurting others and
thereby giving me the same task again. I was not out to get my peace of mind at the
expense of others so, for instance, it would not have benefited me to dredge up
something from the mists of time and regurgitate somebody else’s pain. They may have
forgotten the incident; wiped it off their mental and fiscal copybook and it might cause
further harm if it was brought back up.

This is not an excuse to avoid apologising…

Pr ogr es s mus t be made s omehow

You do want to make good and since most of the ills are specific how do you go about
it?

It is a long process and one that can hold you back. It is important that the majority of
apologies are made before further work is done, otherwise there will not be the
fulfilment from such a task. I wrote to some of those people I had harmed because
they were out of the country. Those in the country I tried to get to see. I did not have
to specify my wrongs, lest they were of a financial nature. I had to tell the person that
I had wronged them in some way or other, knowing when I did so what my motives
were and realising my part in the situation.

Some are easy, because you can say that in such and such a year, in such and such a
place, you did so and so. If it involves a financial recompense, then make that payment.
I was surprised and annoyed by how much the financial wrongs weighed on my mind. I
regarded taking the odd pen or bit of paper from work as bad as defrauding my
expenses because it required no grading of dishonesty. I had to be realistic and
therefore not turn up humbly on someone’s doorstep clutching a handful of Bic biros
with a seriously contrite expression on my face. I had to be pragmatic. I knew that I
had done wrong and therefore would take the opportunity to make good, should it
arise.

If you approach an individual or institution and are unable to pay off an outstanding
debt at the time of apologising, then make best effort to come to an agreement that
you will endeavour to clear yourself in as quick a time as possible. Some people will be
appalled by what you may have done but debts are only about money. You might be
quite surprised by how some people react. It may be nigh on impossible to approach a
particular department or even company so there is always the equivalent charitable
donation to make. Again, this is not an excuse for not approaching the relevant party!

The main reasons I emphasise that this stage takes a long time and can hold you back
is that I still have apologies to make. Fear has stopped me from approaching
institutions and making good. I have, for instance, stolen money from one group that I
64

worked with and got away with it. However, I know about it and whenever I think of
financial wrongs, I get a little wince of pain about it. I have become quite practised at
quashing that particular wrong (even as I write about it now) but it is a matter that
needs to be resolved. I have spoken to some people about it and it has proved tricky.

Another one seems to thwart every attempt to make good. Yes, he lives on the other
side of the world and yes, he works in a sector with which I am extremely unlikely to
have any dealings, but, for some reason, I often come across people who know him and
see him on a semi-regular basis. He knows I wronged him and this may be a resistance
to all efforts to get in touch. It is not something that I will give up on but I have the
rest of my life to lead at the same time and do believe that the right time will come. It
still gnaws at m every time I think of it which doesn’t help either. In the early days I
tried to forget it but it has raised its head relentlessly ever since.

Ah well, no point losing much sleep over it, is there? That would be nice if these events
hadn’t left such a long lasting impression on my conscience. I will have to work through
them as they appear and if I push them, they may not appear. I have to make the
effort, though.

Some of these can be a right pain in the proverbial. For your own good, though, get out
there and do them. Be prepared for the worse and then whatever happens should all
seem better! There is, however, no simple way of getting these sort of apologies out
of the way.

Thr ee w ays to moving for w ar d

I have mentioned the option of writing. Quite a few spare hours were spent poring
over some writing paper, trying to get the right wording and ever conscious that I
could look a right idiot (which I naturally didn’t want to do) and still achieve my aim.
The letters were sent off First Class with much trepidation. Some of the recipients
were people I hadn’t seen in years. I had explained that I was trying to make good for
the wrongs I had done in my past and that I wanted to apologise for some of my
actions.

It would be lovely to say that I just sent them off and immediately felt better. Alas that
was not the case with me and I have taken some time to actually let go of the guilt
around some of the actions. One person replied with a lovely letter that had one
sentence saying I had behaved in an odd fashion along the way. This was a four page
letter, hand written with a lot of care. It was very kind of her to do this as it was
definitely something I had not asked for. That’s not to say I didn’t want any
feedback… Anyway, this letter was really kind but it was the phrases that highlighted
my faults that I remember, not the other 95% of the letter that was rather special.

The rest of the letters went unanswered and I have to question myself as to why I
might still a little angst when I think of them. The odds of seeing these people are slim
at the very least and, if I did, I know I could hold my head up high and realise that I
65

had kept my side of the street clean. I had to remember that the purpose of the
exercise was not to seek or want forgiveness, merely to set my life in good order. I
have, and I’m afraid to admit it but neither do you, no control over other people’s
reactions or actions. The reactions caused by my letters were the responsibility of the
recipients and if they chose to implement some level of legal proceedings for whatever
reason, that is their choice. Needless to say, I have not been sent to jail nor even had a
legal letter sent my way. I will say that there are still some apologies that could be
made and they might still result in a criminal matter but that is not what I am afraid of.
It’s my pride that I feel will be injured. This is despite the fact that when I have done it
in the past, it has had positive results. Get the pen and paper out!

These letters are not a prostration of yourself before the wronged, begging for
forgiveness. They sometimes (but don’t use this as an excuse) do not have to mention
the exact nature of your wrongs. Let’s not forget that some of the misdeeds that you
did were not financial, maybe personal, and therefore it may be best to leave them
unspecified. I once apologised just for not doing as good a job as I could have, knowing
full well that I had neither cost the company money or time but aware that I was
recruited to do a high standard of work and I tended to do the absolute bare minimum
to keep my head above water.

You will remember however that these letters were not the primary way I had of
making good. That would be far too easy. No, it was a case of fronting myself up to the
relevant parties and apologising face to face. This takes some level of dedication to the
cause but I can assure you, it is not nearly half as difficult as you might think.

The aim is to apologise, not specify or gain forgiveness. The point is to help yourself in
the long run but also not to cause further harm to the other party so it would be
pointless to apologise with a dredging up the apportioning of blame that you might
have thought to be justifiable. If you still think of apportioning blame, then you are
probably not sorry enough yet in this particular case and it may well be worth while
shelving it until you can feel sorrow with your hand on your heart. You also should
remember that the other party may have forgotten the specifics of your wrongs and
therefore will only revisit the bad experiences if you specify. Talk about your side of
the street, not theirs.

The third way of dealing with this whole issue is to put it off. Not, alas I hear you say,
because it doesn’t have to be done, but because it is unfeasible at the moment. This
may be because the wronged are away and are returning or they might even not
return your calls to set up an appointment. Take strength form the fact that these
things tend to happen when the time is right. It is almost frightening how they can
present themselves if you believe in the process. I have my mind in good order and I
want yours to be in as good a state as well so see if this can help.

As I have said (quite a few times!), it is important to feel the right feelings to do the
apologies. Try and remember that it is you we are trying to take care of and we went
66

for a crusade of looking after all those we had wronged and all the repercussions that
that would have, we would never get any time for ourselves, let alone any sleep.

This is a selfish process and the results can often be quite palpable at this stage. The
rewards I got from clearing up the debris in my work life have been noticeable. Of
course, I expected them immediately and this was not to be the case for me. I
personally think, for what it’s worth, that this is one of those typical quirks of fate. If I
think about an outcome of one of my actions, I usually am wrong. This could mean that
my life is full of surprises but that would make it far too much like fun. What tends to
happen is that I dramatise events in my little head and then get worked up about what
will happen. Therefore when I started making good for my wrongs I naively expected
an immediate cornucopia of rewards, whether they were spiritual, mental or even just
plain material. Basically, I wanted a killer job, with lots of the bells and whistles that
modern society seems to regard as an indicator of someone’s worth.

A little about my aims ( and how they w er e as kew )

I have always claimed that this book is about getting your head back into a decent
state after being out of work has altered it. What I haven’t talked about is the form
the results will take. This is because I don’t have a clue. I don’t know anything about
you, only snippets about myself. If you think what I have to say can help then read on.

Such were the depths of my negativity around work (which affected other areas of my
life) that I really didn’t like what I thought I was or how I worked. I set out a plan for
a totally different person, one who would be a naturally perfect worker and could
achieve great things whilst drawing down a fantastic salary.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? I have also talked of setting new habits to learn and I am still
highly in favour of them. What I have learnt is that I am the same person but that
person is nothing like what I had imagined. I realise now that I have always been on a
voyage of self-discovery and the developments made as a result of being out of work
have merely been part of that process. Therefore I have learned to temper my aims
and watch the real results as they are infinitely more rewarding. I will eventually
divulge where all this took me in terms of employment, because it certainly has to be at
the back of most people’s mind, that desire to get back into work with a salary and all
the other ups and downs.

The mind tends to also play terrible tricks throughout this sort of process. Mine has a
terrible habit of magnifying downs so that things always seem worse than they really
are. I then get tied up in knots thinking worse thoughts, usually about myself and this
certainly doesn’t help. There has to be a way to break the cycle but I haven’t found a
clear answer. The only effective technique (and, being one with a naturally negative
outlook, I am not 100% happy with it yet) I have found is to catch myself when it
starts. I have to base my advice to myself on experience. I have done some pretty fun
things, as I am sure we all have. Most of us have been faced with some pretty major
challenges, whether at work or at home, and we have got through them. The
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experiences may have taught us to only act differently should they arise again, but that
is a start.
When the negativity starts, I can now recognise it and I have to tell myself to stop.
Sometimes it’s really that simple, sometimes it’s not. When it’s not, it’s usually for a
number of reasons, but they tend to merely be me being negative. I can wallow in the
negativity because it is, after all, familiar and therefore attractive. However, I now
know that I have both the power to get into and out of these negative mindsets. It was
Abraham Lincoln who said we were as happy as we made up our minds to be.

I mentioned before that I didn’t exactly get an epiphany of wellness at this stage. All
things have been rather gradual with me, which tends to annoy me because I generally
want all the benefits yesterday. However, if that’s the way it is, then that’s the way I
have to accept it. Therefore although I didn’t wake up feeling wonderful, this stage of
the process has had palpable rewards. It has helped me to slough off the old niggles
and worries about past behaviour and realise that these concerns are only dispersed
when I have done the appropriate level of work.

My head can still play awful tricks about work and what it may hold, how bad I am and
whether I am in the right place. Without having done all the work we have talked
about, I wouldn’t be able to turn round and stop the negative thoughts. I am lucky
insofar as I have made it to this stage but the work was quite hard. I would love to
pontificate and say that the whole process was a relative walk in the park, but I would
be lying. It has taken time, effort and a lot of stops before I got to this part.

Reap the r ew ar ds

It was not immediately after this that things started to work out, but they did. I had
been mulching around trying to find work in various areas and there was an air of
desperation to my searching, combined with an ever increasing array of debts. It had
to change and it did by chance one evening during a chat with a friend who rang up out
of the blue to see how I was.

He had, in my mind, gone backward in his choice of work, but this was an ill informed
view. Having a similar background, he suggested that I give this field of work a try
and, if it didn’t work out, then at least I would know a little bit more about some of the
opportunities out there. I followed his advice (it’s funny how doing all this work made
me realise how rarely it was I who had the answers) and made a few calls. I was
offered a role within a week! Unfortunately that fell through but it planted a seed of
hope. I chased up this sector, knowing that where there was one role, there must be
more and, lo and behold, I was offered a similar job to the first fairly swiftly. Within
two months of getting the call out of the blue from my mate I started a job in a new
sector with good pay. I was placed in a position of responsibility and there were good
chances of moving up. This sector was enjoying a huge growth spurt and were
recruiting madly as well so I knew I could find other work if this job didn’t work out.
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I had to journey some distance and make a bit of an upheaval in my life to start this
role but I was prepared, possibly desperate, to do what it took to have a job. I was
afraid of my mind set when I arrived and it was a nervous few days as I discovered
there was so much to learn and take care of. The person I had taken over from was so
annoyed with his handling by the company that he left without a thorough brief of what
I was to do and I was expected to fend largely for myself. I was ill prepared and
nervous of my chances. I also had a lot of regard for my fellow workers, as they were
a close-knit team who had built a difficult project from the ground up. I was very much
the new kid on the block with a lot to prove.

What amazed me this time was that I was not as nervous as I had been in other jobs. I
was a lot happier with what was going on and how the role developed. It was an
intensely high pressure environment and things started collapsing around us. Through
luck and a bit of work on my part, I was promoted to head up the team within a month
and had to do some political hotfooting to stay in control and salve bruised egos. As it
was a contract role, I knew it would come to an end sooner or later and I would have
to find new contracts. That was not a concern because the industry is very much built
on experience and, when you have the experience, future roles are easier to get. It
can look a bit like a Catch 22 at the start but I wasn’t about to let this dissuade me
from seeing whether I could see it through.

I was offered another role immediately on the strength of this one but had some time
off in the meantime. This was when I wondered whether I was doing the right thing.
Funny how it’s always my head, and nobody else’s which gets me into potential trouble.
A very good friend pointed out that there weren’t many people in the world who had
found work that paid well, they were good at and they enjoyed. Fair point, I thought.

The fourth contract is now being serviced and the prospects are incredibly positive. I
have worked hard and committed myself to providing some good work for the clients. I
have met some fascinating people and seen some beautiful sights. I am very lucky. The
only reason I realise that is because I did the work in this book.

I would hate to think how negative my outlook could be if I had, by some twist of fate,
landed a similar role to the one from which I was sacked. I may be still tying myself in
knots. I really don’t think that when I was interviewed I would have given the right
impression if I hadn’t embarked on such a path of self-discovery.

There have been great situations that I have had in the work environment whose
pleasure and beauty have just passed me by. As you have no doubt found about
yourself, a lot of this work uncovers some deep seated issues that will need resolving
before your head is in a fine enough state to look at the work place in a new light.
There are always going to be worries – that’s just life. The concern is how you look at
them. It should feel like new pair of glasses having their effect on your outlook now.
Don’t kill yourself if there isn’t. I had done this work a long time before I got the new
job and was able to enjoy it thoroughly.
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It’s not all about the job. I said at the beginning that this was not designed to get you a
new job, merely to set your mind up to be able to both tackle the job hunt effectively
and present the right front when you went for new roles. There has been a lot of work
discussed in this book but it doesn’t have to take a long time. Therefore the results can
be achieved quickly, I believe.

This is where I fell down. I took my time, for all the reasons and excuses I have
highlighted already. As a result, I do firmly think, it took longer for that role to
appear. That’s not to say that my head wasn’t getting sorted prior to work – as we
have already seen, the state of one’s mind is not directly related to whether you are in
employment or not. It was just that getting sorted was taking longer because I had
taken longer to do the work. I am also not saying rush in and blast your way through
this process – it will take some time and if you try to rush it there will be missed areas
and the results will be forced. Today’s society seems to expect results almost
yesterday, with the instant fix solution, and I don’t see how the healing process, for
that is what it is, can be speeded up. Enjoy the work and do it thoroughly and there is
no reason why the results won’t be forthcoming. Don’t do as I did and procrastinate,
do as I say and get on with it!

So w hat do you do?

I have studiously avoided describing exactly what I do because it is most definitely not
a normal role. I spent a few years in the army when I left university because I thought
that was where the fun in life was to be had. There were plenty of opportunities to
have fun and some of them I was given but my outlook was not always positive. The
fact is, there were better men and women than me who were more patient and so
worked their way up the ladder. My hat goes off to them, because it was never
something that I wanted to do for a long time, just a few years while I was still young.

After leaving I worked in the West Indies as a barely glorified handyman, looking
after boats and some properties. It was lovely to get a killer tan and not worry about a
career since there was one level in my job and I had reached it. I knew it was not
forever and so took a Master’s degree and then worked in sports marketing for a
while. I certainly enjoyed a modicum of success, only just outweighed by some of the
failures! I learnt a lot and tried to keep on applying the experience. Market forces
were not the only reason but a rapidly shrinking sector combined with a relatively
barren address book meant that I was to start three years of struggle to find a great
job.

Don’t be mistaken that the whole time was spent in purdah – I set up websites (and
that sector crashed!), I led an expedition into the Central American jungle for a couple
of months (not a great money machine, but fantastic fun) and worked as the marketing
manager for a small publishing house which ended where this book starts.

All through that time I picked up experiences whose value I didn’t realise.. Some were
positive, others were definitely not, but when I embarked upon the process laid out
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here, I was able to recall them in order to help push the whole thing along. This whole
process took me a lot longer than I would wish for you so push on!

The final stages of this book are all about looking forward. I am a firm believer not so
much in shutting the door on the past as putting a strong, double-glazed window on it.
Something you can see, but not go, through. Then it should all be laid out as a series of
lessons and the troubles in your work history should be cleared up by now. They might
not be. There may still be niggles that persist and take a long time to clear up. There
may have been wrongs which you have addressed in the appropriate manner and still
linger to vex. I have always said that this takes a long time and the last stage, the
actual making right of the wrong, can go on and on. That is usually because more and
more comes to light. Now, I am not advocating slogging repeatedly back to your old
employers and promising them that this is honestly the last time, only to reappear soon
after as more filters its way into your consciousness.

The aim now is to live your work life on an even keel and not place yourself in a
position where your head takes off down the dodgy road to negativity and confusion.

I am still working in odd places round the world (these sentences are written in the
foothills of the Himalayas) but my head is all right. I don’t have that much to worry
about with regards how my head feels about work. Due to completing this process the
first time, I have learned to evaluate decisions far better and get to know myself far
better as well. I will never be the Chief Executive Officer of a large corporation,
probably because I realise I am a long way from being the political animal required to
survive in such an environment. I doubt whether I will be a primary school teacher in
rural England either – I just don’t have the patience for that sort of thing. I know I
will constantly seek challenges and variety, including working with as many different
people as possible.

Just working this process have armed me to choose my roles carefully and approach
them in the right way, as well as lay out some areas to learn.

This could be the same for you because I have learned stacks, a learning process that I
carry on.
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I t’s Not Jus t F or Y ou

Remember the pr oces s and do it again

Having completed the bulk of the process, the results will start to filter through. They
may already have their effects felt. Either way, there is the need to keep up the work
in order that you don’t retreat into the negative mind set again. I believe it’s what the
mechanics would refer to as ‘basic maintenance’. Check the oil, water and tyres helps
guarantee your car so taking care of yourself, constantly refining the process and then
helping others to find the same level of peace will ensure that your state of mind
improves constantly.

I think you’ll find, as I did as I started working through this whole process, that it is
very much a steep learning curve. There is the honest approach that you may have
avoided in the past, there is the physical recording of your actions and then there is the
actual repair of the wrongs that you may have done. It may seem like a bit of a blur
now but I will wager that there were difficult moments – it’s only natural.

I regard it now as having learnt a basic skill. A skill is not something that you are born
with, like a talent, but something that is developed through practice. Jonny Wilkinson
did not become the greatest fly half of his generation (no prizes for guessing when I
wrote this passage – England have just won the cup) but he gained his skills through
constant, repetitive practice. Sometimes sounds boring, doesn’t it? However, I don’t
want to become the best in the world at this, adored by millions or even competing
with others, I just want to do it well enough to take care of little old me.

To continue the sporting analogy, I used to play tennis regularly. I never was going to
win Wimbledon and I had played people who made me look like a part time amateur.
Which is what I was. But I played often and had a consistent game. I stopped playing
due to travelling and time constraints and now pick up a racquet far less often than I
would like. When I do, my game is atrocious. I go for the same shots I could achieve
with months of practice behind me and they just will not happen out of the blue. I know
I need to play more often if I can hope to even play to half the standard I used to.

Therefore we must all practice, not only to improve, but also to maintain a basic level
of skill. By constantly going through the process we have talked about in this book, we
are bound to improve. It’s only natural, but I don’t want to get stale or bored from
doing the work. So there needs to be some level of variety in this stage.

I do not sit down every day and put pen to paper. I do mentally review my day and
work out what I may have done that will affect my mind. Unfortunately, the side
effects of having practiced this process for a while is that if I don’t address certain
concerns, they haunt me through the night and I either have little sleep or the kind of
night where you wake up more tired than when you went to bed.
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This review can literally stem from having a niggle that I may have erred slightly in the
day. I am not advocating being a saint and doing nothing but the purest of actions,
more that you will be able to recognise where some actions might take you. The
motives tend to be the key, if you remember. I do feel uneasy about wrongs or
situations with which I am not entirely happy. I always have. I used to suppress these
feelings but now I can have a dig around in my head and sometimes come up with
answer.

N ot totally s olitar y

We took a bold step by telling somebody else of our misdeeds. There are those people
out there also who can help me find the answers. I don’t always see the truth, or
deliberately shy away from it. I have a couple of plain speaking buddies, who now
know me very well, who tell me like it is. As a result, I generally have a fair idea of
where my motives lie and I know whether they are flawed. You may have developed
relationships like this in the past or during the process (that is, after all, what friends
are for) so go and have a chat to them.

It’s usually rather annoying when the plain truth is laid out before me by them. It is so
obvious that I also feel a bit of an idiot and that makes me angry at myself as well. It is
a self-defeating circle that I get into and only recognise because of this work. That
being said, the obvious has to be dealt with as well, not just my reaction to it.
Therefore I have to either make good my wrongs or acknowledge my part with a view
to finding some level of contentment with my actions. By repeating the process over
and over again, it usually helps. This is not to say that I write it all down and go
through what is, after all, a fairly labour intensive process. It is more to say that the
training given me in doing this the first time round has taught me a staged process to
go through that can be often done without any actual writing down. I have often
reached some conclusions on my motorbike. It worries me senseless sometimes that I
can nip around town at fairly serious speeds and not remember a single thing about
the journey because I have been thinking so hard. I do half expect the light thud of a
summons on my doormat shortly after, requesting my presence in court to answer
charges of some traffic misdemeanour I allegedly committed.

I have found that practice does not make perfect, more like it improves the process.
Each time I really apply myself to the process I both learn and accept more about
myself.

Ther e’s the r ub

I once heard tell of a fellow who said, in his late fifties, that he had finally found that
person with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his life. And that person was him. I
have learned to accept more and more about myself than I ever was able to do before.
It is my skin and I am comfortable within it. The eternal search is far from over, but
boy, this process took care of some major foundation blocks.
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Allowing that each and every one of us is different, I can only offer a series of
suggestions laid out in the exercise sections of the chapters. They are good practice,
but are only basic and will need reefing to your own needs. With a review process,
some do it daily, others weekly, some monthly and I have heard of some who set a date
in their diary every year for doing it. I am far from being that disciplined. Whenever
seems to be my credo. And that whenever is oft when it just suits me and I want
something from the process. I am an undeniably selfish person and behave accordingly.
Commitment to work in the long term has never been a strength of mine but I do have
an enormous quota of adaptability – you need it in the work I have to do!

If you are one of those marvellously self-disciplined souls who can set out a specific
date and time for such a process, then hats off to you. I have found that just trying to
look at things when they are going very well also has its benefits. We are here to get
our heads in a fine old state so that we can take on the world and enjoy it. Therefore
when the good times are there, and they happen more and more now, take heed of the
symptoms.

If you enjoy getting up the majority of the time and have a thrill going to work some of
the time, then I would say you are doing very well thank you. If you actually enjoy your
day to day work, then you are now in a minority. If you are happy about your head with
regard to work and are doing the nine to five to achieve other things, like save up for
that rare Gibson Les Paul guitar, then good for you. These are all great signs.

Write them down. Try and look at the old motives for these and where your head was
when you made the decisions that have resulted in your current position. Relish them
and remember them. They are lessons that can be used in the future.

Ster eotypes

One of the most annoying traits of modern society is the way we get pigeonholed by
our roles. Similar people do similar jobs, especially when they are vocational. I never
regarded the army as a vocation but there are elements to the mind set that I
constantly come across when I bump into serving or ex-members of that august
organisation.

One of those traits that I frankly laugh at is deeply homophobic. It’s still illegal in the
army to be gay (how can they stop the way you are?) and if there is even a sniff of that
behaviour, then vilification soon follows. I left and did my own thing, which resulted in
me living in San Francisco and actually following a far healthier lifestyle, which
included no drinking. I went from being your average beer swiller into a far thinner
fellow who like his fruit smoothies and some of the nicer things in life. I must be gay.
If only I’d known.

I went to a party with a whole lot of ex-army hoods and one of them sidled up to verify
some rumour that he had heard. I laughed it off and asked a few other people I knew
who still had friends either in or recently left. They, too, had heard that I was gay.
74

Even my sister! It made me laugh quite hard because I was happy with what I am and
therefore couldn’t be bothered with any gossip. So now, whenever I bump into any of
the old crew, I flirt like a raging queen. It unsettles them but I have no worries. I also
flirt with gay men, not because I want to sleep with them, but because it’s just
harmless fun and I never feel threatened because I know I never will have to sleep
with them.

To get to this lack of concern, I had to look at the issue of why other people bothered
me and how they behaved. As usual, the fault lay with myself, not them, and so I was
able to come to terms with my motives and clear them up.

What has that to do with work? Again I work with a lot of guys who are, essentially,
homophobic. I have to look at my motives for why I talk to them the way I do about
this very issue. Am I going for a quick laugh at their expense? Or am I trying to pass
on what I have learnt? Who am I to judge whether I can teach anything? So I try and
shut up.

This is an example of just one of the pitfalls that we can get into. The workplace is a
funny old set up where we have to interact and achieve things with people with whom
we would otherwise not congregate. Therefore the relationships within the workplace
can often make or break that organisation. If we keep our side of the street clean,
then the fault will not lie with us. We might end up redundant, but acting properly will
ensure our heads are in a far stronger position from which to act.

The cor e is s ue

I never set out to make this a spiritual quest, it just has turned out that way. When I
was growing up, the whole concept of God was frightening. Old bloke on the cloud with
a long white beard and usually looking disapproving, right? Just the sort of muck that
was rammed down our throats when we were younger because it had worked on
other generations but we no longer learnt by frightening us. People moved away from
this area in droves. Put it this way, everyone I was at primary school with went to
Sunday school run by the church. If I went to church now, I would be rather surprised
to see people with an average age less than my parents. There are exceptions (the
Alpha course seems to have done well) but people look elsewhere for their salvation.

I was no different until I started working along the lines laid out in this book. I have
mentioned in Chapter Two some of the arguments for and against such an issue. I can
tell you I believe that there is something out there. It keeps me going. I do choose to
call it God because it is three letters long, easy to say, can cause consternation when
mentioned in polite conversation and can be defined as how I feel comfortable. I have
an evolving impression of this higher power, one that becomes more elusive the more I
look at it. It also frees me enormously to accept this force and just get on with life.

I am sure you will have seen some guru or gleaming gospel with the light of ten
thousand hearts shining from the pits of their eyes. Gives me the jitters, but they are
75

happy. This is not what I aspire to, nor can I thankfully see it happening in the near
future. I do accept those and others far more easily nowadays and can get on with
people I work with far more easily. I tend to look for their strengths more readily, and
I can usually do it without feeling comparatively inadequate! So if we can get on with
others, forge relationships with strangers as well as rebuild ones with those to whom
we are close, then this is a tangible success.

I have been given this as a result of the work I have done. It’s really as simple as that.
I have struggled for years to find equilibrium in my mind over work matters (and
others, besides) and have tried all kinds of techniques. Just by doing this work and
turning over the results to something else, this concept of a power greater than little
old me, has helped enormously. This has not meant that I have absolved myself of all
responsibility, more that I have taken a firm decision to accept that if I do certain
things then the results will happen that are best for me. That is why I am rather
content with where I am in my career, and also where it’s going.

I ns pir ation

One of the benefits has been that the crazy worry tapes have slowed down in my head.
I can still work myself (because nobody else does it, after all) into a state but
generally things are quieter upstairs. I cannot emphasise enough how important or
wonderful this is. It means that I can often think a lot more clearly about work issues,
worry less about their outcome and repair them when there are errors. The change
from how it was is incredible. I could waste ages, whether it was in the bath, in bed,
on the way to work, at work, everywhere, with these non-productive thoughts
whirring round my head, driving me away from achieving anything practical. I now look
through that strong, double glazed window and am extremely grateful for the
difference.

Again, this is not something that I try to do on my own. I often ask others, as I have
mentioned, but I used a second technique as well.

Meditation has been practiced throughout the world for centuries as a means to
achieve various goals. I have two – self-discipline and peace of mind. I need the first
because I can be wayward and realise that I need to practice in areas other than
fitness. The peace of mind I can achieve is wonderful yet, at the same time,
indefinable: it just seems right.

This is not a book on mediation. I would never presume to teach such an art since I am
an utter novice. I have read a few books on the subject and practiced some of their
techniques. They range from the very simple to quite complicated routines. I use what
feels best for me and quite often, it is just sitting there letting my mind wander. Some
of the authors have said that this should only be done with lots of experience, but I just
do it because it feels right. I can get the occasional insight, or matters that have been
worrying me can fall into place. Quite often my mind hones in on a particular subject
and I lose the freedom of the meditation.
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There are no real rules, I just always try and set an aim for whatever I do because it
gives me something to strive. I suggest you don’t set your aims too high when you try
and meditate (I really do recommend it) so you can achieve them. Floating down the
high street with a glow like a Ready-brek kid probably won’t be achieved in the first
week. Then again, I am not in charge and someone else may have plans for you…

What w or ks for me

I started mediating about two years ago when I was staying over at a friend’s house.
The two aren’t related, I merely had been putting it off for a while. I had read a few
chapters by then and one of the techniques seemed easy enough. We had been out on a
bit of a bender and no-one was stirring the next morning. As usual, I woke early and
was faced with the prospect of lying in bed, getting up to get the papers with all that
entailed or maybe trying to meditate. Of course, I reviewed my options thoroughly and
thought quite hard about reading the nearest book to hand. Since it was a biography of
some really famous movie star, I didn’t want to get embroiled in a somewhat fruitless
comparison exercise.

So I started to meditate. I closed my eyes and tried to empty my mind. Not in the least
bit easy, I can assure you. I concentrated on my breathing and nothing else. I tried to
ignore any thoughts that came into my mind. If I caught myself thinking about
something because usually a thought would spring in and I would chase it like an
unravelling jumper, I had to drop that thought. Often I found myself really thinking
about some issue and then I would realise that I had wasted a long time on that
subject. I did this for fifteen minutes and then my alarm went off and I stopped.

I certainly didn’t feel some higher level of understanding or believed that I was on
another plane. I just was quite happy that I had stuck it out and that I could maybe see
myself doing it again.

I waited a while (probably a couple of weeks, I cannot remember) and then did it
again. This time I got very antsy and wanted to stop far earlier. I got out some of the
books and looked at their suggestions. Some talked of concentrating on one thing to
help empty your mind. One spoke of using your thumbnail as a focal point, others
mentioned candles. I tried the thumbnail on the underground and did feel a bit of an
idiot but it was good to try and shut out all the bustle of a crowded tube train.

I had heard that the epitome of a Zen master was one who could take ten breaths
without thinking of anything. Just ten, I thought – pah! Of course, to this day I am not
even close, but it’s fun trying. I usually set my timer on my watch for five minutes, sit
back and go for it with eyes closed and trying to concentrate on my breathing. I am not
totally convinced that it serves me any great way with regard to understanding my
work better but, if I practice it, I do tend to feel more relaxed about life, and that’s no
bad thing.
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Getting the answers to what is right is not something that I am even close to yet. I just
have to believe that I am on the right course. One example is that I can call friends
from wherever I am in the world and they tell me that I sound happy. For someone
who can’t remember this in my life, this is fantastic. So what if that’s all I have got?
It’s more than some, the same as others and a great foundation to really strive for the
golden goose of who knows what.

Still the s ame per s on

Under all this new feeling I am still the same person who embarked on this voyage of
self discovery. I have mentioned time and time again that I don’t claim to have done
this on my own, whether it’s through the help of friends or the good old God factor. I
just know that if I keep going at it, I get stronger.

Being calm to still my head and meditate on my life, whether it’s work or some other
issue, also helps give me the evidence to repeat the practice. I do not claim to do it
every day, week or month, but I do go through spurts. At the moment, life is great, so I
generally am happy to ride the good times. When it sinks a while I do tend to beat my
chest a bit but my memories soon make their way to the surface and I start the
process all over again, in whatever detail I deem necessary.

I get the strength from practice, pride and belief. I practice to refine what I know and
will know. I have the pride to prevent me from failing and it’s not always a bad feeling
to have. The belief is rooted in my own fallibility and I don’t know why I have been
given the benefits of being introduced to this work.

The book

Practice and maintenance can improve what I do and I don’t see why the same can’t
apply to you. It would be wrong to sit back and keep all this to myself, not because I
have some powerful message but if I just help one person, that will make my year.
There is a certain misery to having a skull in bad order when you are out of work (you
are a pariah after a while, which cannot help) but there is a way out of it.

This is not a claim to have all if any of the answers. I just want to open someone’s eyes
to a version of work that may help themselves. If, at the very least, just trying to do
something helps their situation change, then there is some level of success. If you can
do this work, refine it to your own situation and then pass it on, I think there will be
greater benefits.

This book has taken far too long to write. I have used all kinds of tricks on myself to
get it finished, but I am a procrastinator of the finest order. Bite sized chunks has
proved to be the key to getting it done, Believe it or not, there are some out there who
have wanted to read what I have to say right from the start. They will be the first to
read it. In fact, someone reviewed the first chapter just so I could get some feedback
on the style. They liked it, for whatever reason they cited.
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Will it help them? Who am I to judge? If it gives them a few moments of hope, peace,
emotion or just plain distraction from the messed up state of their head, then what a
privilege.

When you have got to this stage, I hope your friends have noticed a change. There will
be, whatever they might think. You will be stronger; if not, do it again. If your friends
don’t mention anything, just tell them. Tell others. You will be surprised who may need
some of the lessons I had to learn, have tried to pass on which you have now refined
and personalised. Make a network of others to assist in their struggle. If you can’t find
someone to help, be patient. Don’t waste time on those who don’t want to hear, just be
grateful if anyone wants to talk. Just offering a friendly ear can mean stacks to some.
Not telling someone how to live their life, just how you have lived yours, puts no
pressure on them so what’s there to lose?

The courage you will have shown by getting this far will give you the right strength to
pass on whatever lessons you may have learnt. I have been asked for copies by family
and friends of people who are out of work, even by someone who is about to retire
after thirty years in one career and will start out on his own. He obviously believes
that forearmed is forewarned. I don’t even have to say a lot about it, just that being
out of work is truly miserable and messes up your head (we all know about that) and
that this book is about getting a grip on the sanity or even preventing it before it
happens.

I know who to trust and who to talk to now. I am amazed by so called friends who had
little time for me in times of trouble and those who stuck by me. I don’t bear grudges,
I just hope I can support someone if they came to me for help. I can get on with people
I work with far better and do a better job as a result. I can learn new things and apply
them. I seek out good examples and copy them. I read books on work and thought
processes so I can try and apply them. I talk to people. I would not have the job I do
today or feel the way I do in my head about work if I had never done this work. Tell
others.

Society and us

If you find telling others difficult, I can totally appreciate it. Having grown up in British
life we are trained to adopt the so-called stiff upper lip and be perfectly nice to others.
Thankfully, that is changing rapidly and people are much happier being themselves
rather than putting up a front to impress others.

Recently I was invited to what is, basically, a week long social event. I wanted to go
for one aspect and realised that there was a lot more to the whole show than I had
either realised or wanted. I had to look at my motives for the whole thing, found they
were skewed and therefore had only myself to blame for not enjoying it. I spoke to a
few people about the concept for this book and they liked the idea but I would have
been surprised if they would read it. I also noticed that I felt embarrassed by the book.
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If this book embarrassed me, how could I talk to others, let alone publish the ideas
within and hopefully help others? I set out to write this book to both help me and
maybe others. I knew if I could put down on paper what I had done (when I started, it
was still ongoing), then it would provide a framework for myself. I could remember
areas that I might have missed, reaffirm my belief in the process and possibly refine it
somewhat. Then I could get to the final stage and pass it on to others.

Of course, as an idea, it was lovely to me. Then I set out to write it and it has taken a
long time. The end is near but it is, after all, work and I have looked at why I have
faltered in the writing, and when those various stages have been. I had to work out a
way of achieving it that suited me and it simply boiled down to writing a little every
day. It soon added up. Some writers work all morning and then take a break and then
attack again in the afternoon. I am not that kind of person. I enjoy my work and I have
enjoyed writing this book. It has hung over me for ages.

One of the ways I used to encourage myself was to tell others that it was the offing.
Some have remembered and have reminded me that they want to hear about it. Pride
has pushed me along. Not always the greatest or healthiest incentive to action, but it
has worked for me at this stage of my life.

If I have chosen to do something like bare my soul in a book like this, why should I
worry whether people who I don’t particularly like find it interesting? Really annoying
how these things take hold.

The cycle

I still try and do this process even though I am in a great place, both in terms of work
and my mind. It helps to keep me in line with what will help and, probably more
importantly, what will not hurt. I found that my problems lay with my motives so there
is always a big red light flashing at the back of my head to analyse that aspect of my
actions. This may not be the case for you. It may be just a fear of making relationships
with the right people, fear of not getting a job, thinking that if others have work so
should you. In fact, all sorts of things can come to bear on your peace of mind when
unemployed.

These influences also have an effect in work. It is both a benefit and I think a
downside of modern life that so much time is given to personal reactions. I think it is
marvellous how therapy and help can assist people through their bad times. I also
think that time can be wasted because life is not a bed a roses and therefore has to be
got through. Work is but one aspect of life but so much importance is placed on it these
days that the pressure is on almost before the first set of exams are taken at school.

Some days I leap out of bed ready to work and looking forward to it. Others I can
hardly drag myself to the bathroom, let alone out of the front door. That is just me and
nothing to do with the job. I understand now that repeating the process can usually
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help me work out why the mindset is where it is and therefore what I can hopefully do
about it. I don’t work through the issue and suddenly come out with a broad smile on
my face – I merely find out where my faults lie and try to rectify them.

It really worked for me and, if it works for you as I hope it will, there are others out
there who you can help with your experiences
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T he E nd of the B eginning

Well done – now r eap it

This has not been a walk in the park, by any means. It’s time for another of those jolly
old pats on the back. You have made it through a testing process, discovered all sorts
of stuff that was either hidden or you didn’t want to admit to, and have repaired a lot
of your work history’s damage. Hats off, I say.

You are no doubt aware that I am far from being perfect, so it is usually at times like
this I take a walk down the street and find a crowded place, like a supermarket, and
surreptitiously take a look round me. I have spent many hours (shopping, that’s all) in
these new mini-markets that are springing up around our urban centres. They are
great and you are prepared to pay that extra for all the essentials because you either
don’t have the transport to get to the bigger, cheaper outlets or you are just plain
exhausted after a day at work.

One of the things I have noticed is that there is always the same sort of expression on
people’s faces in these places – one of resignation that they are where they are when
in fact they would rather be somewhere else. I have found, by doing this sort of
process, that I am usually far more comfortable where I am and that I take quite a lot
of pleasure in the day-to-day trivialities like shopping for milk and bread. Here’s
where my faults come in, though. I look at the others and wonder if they have found
any way to get a level head or that they feel they are sinking under the pressures of
the modern world and don’t have a clue how to break the cycle. The majority of them
probably do not have what you have from doing this process.

I would love to lie and say that I don’t gloat, but I think you know the truth on that
one. I do however recognise the gloat for what it is and try and ring fence it so it
doesn’t affect any others. If an opportunity arose to help someone else, I hope and
pray that I would take it.

Wor k w ill impr ove

This book is merely aimed at getting the old head back on track due to work troubles. I
can assure you, I have concentrated on that aspect of your life because that’s where I
learnt so much. Maybe it was the pressure of not having that friendly cheque landing in
my account at the end of each month focussed my head, but I certainly benefited from
doing all this.

The job you are in will feel a lot better. Searching for that other job will feel a lot
better. Getting that dream role will feel like paradise. This will not be an overnight
switch but I warrant you are feeling the benefits already. A half-hearted attempt will
have given you half-hearted results and you know how much effort you put into it. The
more you put in, the taller you will be walking. It’s not some amorphous notion of
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nirvana, more a solid base with your feet firmly on the ground and your head tuned to
act right.

Sour ce mater ials

I have mentioned that there is no such thing as an original thought, or at least that’s
what I think. The ideas within this book are not original. They are based upon the
twelve steps that have been adopted by any number of recovery programmes since the
originators of Alcoholics Anonymous put them together. The history of their evolution
is interesting in itself.

They are a combination of experience and long established teachings of the


monotheistic religions. Throughout time, we have realised that things aren’t always as
good as they might be, that there might be a gap in the soul that needs filling. Some
people accept that we can never be perfect and so get on with life. Others feel a desire
to mend that flaw, whatever it may be. I think accepting your faults for what they are
is a sensible approach, but I also believe that you can work towards improving who you
are. This process is all about improving yourself, using the mind malaise caused by
work as the focus.

The process that has been outlined is the same as the teachings of Jesus, Mohammed
or Buddha. Stage one is to realise that things aren’t as good as they might be, Stage
two is take stock and seek help. Stage three is to make good for that which you can
and the final stage is to get out there and help others. Fairly simple at the very least,
but if it were complicated, then more people would have stumbled.

I say again that this is not a holy joe clarion call to recruit – I merely have realised that
I am but a single soul on this vast earth and there is some hefty wisdom out there that
has been learned through generations. When the foot and mouth disease struck
recently, it wiped out herds that had been built up over decades if not longer. One of
the facts that emerged was that these animals had instinctive reactions to situations
that had been bred into them from their forebears. Look at any animal in the wild – it
often knows how to react when it’s born without long tuition sessions from its parents.
I remembered being flabbergasted when I came home one day to find all the apples in
the fruit bowl eaten by our new puppies. They had then taken eggs off the rack and
eaten them to counter the acidic effect of the fruit! I only wish house training them
was so simple.

We have instinctual reactions to various occasions that are inbred, others which are
learnt. The search for fulfilment is not a new desire in the twenty first century, it’s
affected millions throughout the ages. Whether you are on a personal quest to make
yourself into something that you think is whole or you have just used this book for the
work aspect and the rest of the quest literature has left you cold, then you are not
alone in seeking improvement. We all have areas in our lives that can be improved and
life is often about working to improve.
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Looking back at my childhood and watching children behave, I am constantly amazed


how cruel we can be. Merciless in the desire not to stand out. I was not the nicest of
children to my fellow schoolchildren purely because I was afraid. I had to find out
what had caused that fear and get through it. It took a long time to face up to that
issue and it was very similar to the work in this book insofar that it didn’t become
possible until I was ready.

You may not have made it this far in the book on your first attempt, you may have
skipped all the text and just tried the exercises, you may well have just decided to read
the introduction and the closing remarks. It doesn’t really matter because if you want
something badly enough, you will go for it.

Pas s ion

Something I have found from this whole process is the passion and dedication I can
bring to my work now. I don’t get fired up and dance around like a gushing luvvie –
that’s not how I get passionate. I just get stuck in and don’t let go. I love it and the
hours fly by, the days add up and I’ve made it to the end of another project and I am
looking forward to the next.

Not everyday is like this. I had to learn to capture the passion. There is a lot of talk
today about positive mental attitude, affirmations and self-belief. I think this process
will have certainly helped you believe in yourself, the affirmations can be made each
time you go through the stages and the positive mental attitude just seems to arrive.
Think about those positive moments for a while. Imagine the feelings that literally
course through your system when everything is going great guns and you are on top of
your game. Think of how tall you feel, how good you look and just what it is that you
couldn’t accomplish at this time. The world is yours and you are ready to take it.

I have heard inspirational speakers say the best thing to do is now to associate this
with a physical act, the most common of which seems to be squeezing your forefinger
and thumb together. They also talk about repeating this exercise for two to three
weeks every day. Try it – it worked for me and I still try and do it. This helps me
capture the passion in one simple physical act because when I want to feel that surge
of confidence and drive all I have to do is squeeze my forefinger and thumb together
and I start to feel immediately better. This is not a short cut to feeling better, just a
way of capturing a special feeling in order to use it to your advantage.

I now am happy with myself at work and confident that if I was to find myself out of
work again (God forbid it ever get like the last time, but I do firmly believe it can’t
now I am armed with this process) I know that my mind will be so sorted that I will
sail right through the bad patch and get stuck into a new role fairly swiftly. I now work
in an area that is based on contracts – there are very few long-term roles due to the
fluidity of the clients’ requirements. Not that I believe there are many long term jobs
anywhere anymore – it seems far too easy to get rid of staff very quickly these days
and you are only as good as your last result. So I am only in work as long as the
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contract lasts. Due to their nature, it is nigh on impossible to interview for new
contracts while the present one is one, so I know each one will end with a period of
unemployment. Some of it is a relief as I generally need the rest more than I am
prepared to admit but it also exists as a constant reminder of what might easily
happen. I pick up the job sections in the papers and I get the opposite of the reaction I
get to squeezing the forefinger and thumb together because I associate a long period
of trawling through the advertisements, applying and then getting rejected which just
drove me into a greater depression.

Now is very different. I am much more confident and I feel you are too. You may well
be in such in a frame of confidence that you only want the good news so here goes.

Bonus time

Coming out of a long period of unemployment and all that being in that state entails,
left me with some considerable debts to pay. I used to watch every penny like a hawk
and it has come as little surprise to me that one of the things that has given me the
greatest pleasure in the first few months was not only paying off large chunks of my
debts but also having money to spend on myself. Let’s get material for a second. I was
able to buy all the toys I had lusted after for quite some time as well as get some
rather nice clothes. I am looking to buy my first property and need to seek financial
advice to take care of my spare cash. The materialism of the twenty first century no
longer fills me with fear.

At the same time, I can go to a greasy spoon and eat some good old-fashioned fry up
for next to nothing and love it. I have financial freedom beyond what I imagined and
that’s not because I have made an absolute fortune since starting work. I haven’t. The
fact is, I feel so much better about myself and work that I know I can go out and get
more and keep stashing some away for another rainy day. Previously, I thought the
dread of staying penniless would never end.

February 1st – I was on unemployment benefit, wearing two jumpers in the day to stop
having to pay for heating, riding a ten year old motorbike through some miserable
weather because I couldn’t afford to run my car and wondering when I would be able
to get to the dentist because my teeth were giving me hell and the bills would have
crippled me.

October 23rd – I was lounging on a deck chair, looking out over the Arabian Gulf,
staying at the world’s first six-star hotel with a great girl and loving life. I was paying
for it out of some spare cash I had saved up over the summer as well as paying off
thousands in debts and buying a new computer and clothes as well as getting some
serious new stamps in my passport.

I had to pinch myself. These are just the easy things to add up. I had such a wonderful
year that I got a new tattoo to celebrate and my colleagues said I had more front than
85

Brighton. I was brimming with confidence in many areas of my life and loving it. I was
standing up for myself and at last valuing me for all my pluses and many minuses.

M oney is n’t the be all and end all

It is not the money that makes me feel the way I do. One of the contracts I took on
was dreadful. It paid better than any of the others and I could easily work out how
happy I should be because of all the lovely loot I was going to get. However, I didn’t
feel in the slightest bit happy or anything positive. I had to look at my motives and lo
and behold, it was greed that had pushed me into this role. I was on my own, with
nobody else who could speak good English and a lot of the time was spent waiting for
the inevitable. When it did happen, there was loads to do but all the run up had been
spent thinking. Bad move, because it pushed me down.

Luckily, I had this process to fall back on and it kept me sane. I can attest to its power
when needed again and again. You have nothing to fear apart from yourself. Most of
our problems in this area tend to be imagined and it is halting that often degenerative
way we can grind ourselves into pulp. By working this process again at times like this,
we can back on our feet again.

If I didn’t have the way to regain the peace of mind, I would be back in the state I had
been when the effects of being out of work hit me. Now that doesn’t have to happen.

There is always a choice with this sort of thing. I have mentioned that the desire to
take the action must be enough to take the steps so unless that desire is there, you
probably won’t do the necessary. I know I wouldn’t. I have to wait until the weight of
the problem finally outweighs the weight of the solution. The solution is always going
to be difficult because it means changing things and there are often no results without
the depression and pain it brings. Dredging up bad experiences and re-facing their
consequences is difficult but the rewards are more than worth it. However, I don’t
know about you but I am prepared to wait for that work just to see if everything else
will work.

Faults can help

You now know yourself far better than when you started. There are still going to be
areas of your approach that might be improved. I have always said that none of us are
perfect nor will we ever be. We can always get better, though. I have mentioned the
technique of acting your way into a new way of thinking. It works and different
characteristics become instinctive. I don’t really believe that these are new to your
character. I feel there were always there, you have now found the way to unlock their
magic.

You will also have recognised that there are still characteristics that are prevalent. I
do not have the greatest concentration span. I like to experience constantly varying
stimulation. That’s why I found it hard to learn to meditate. I can apply myseldf to
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meditation but I do still find it hard, despite the benefits. I like to organise teams and
am not the greatest team player. I have had to learn to operate amongst equals. I have
also learnt that there are enough opportunities out there that need some level of
leadership. I am not a fan of writing reports (this book has nearly hit the bin a number
of times) but I love public speaking. Standing in front of a couple of hundred people or
more to present some idea is tremendously exciting for me and I love it. Writing a
sales document is nigh on impossible, or so I think. Then I write, leave it and come
back to it and realise that the English is correct, it states the case and is usually fairly
succinct. It works for me and not every sales document works for everyone.

Seeing people learning to live with themselves and appreciate their characters is a
real boon in this kind of work. Watching them improve is such a pleasure, I can barely
describe it. This is probably the greatest benefit from this process and I can’t spend,
drive or live in it.

I t’s Our Ow n Jour ney

When I first thought about putting these thoughts into a book, I wanted to find a
suitable approach. There were always going to be areas that might cause discomfort –
that is, after all, the very nature of the process because it changes things and this
causes upheaval. There was also the area of how I laid it out and what I should
include. I swiftly began to realise that all I could honestly bring to the book was my
own experience.

This book is about what I did, how I did it and what I got out of it. Every person is
indeed different so you will probably have very different experiences, each as rich as
they can be. I have tried to avoid clear instruction on what to do in such and such a
situation because what might have worked for me may not work for you and vice
versa. That’s why I have talked of refining and personalising the process. Make it your
own and then share it with others in the same way. They may in turn bring new
approaches and techniques, none of which you or I would ever have thought.

I am not a gusher like some of the self help literature out there. I always feel slightly
odd when I use some of their practices like smiling widely into a mirror and telling
myself quite how wonderful I am. I just feel self-conscious and while that explains
some more about me, then it also probably suggests there might be other ways to
bolster myself. Therefore what has worked for me, a low-key approach without
screaming from the rooftops, is what I can pass on. If you are a more gregarious type
who gains strength form the more overt approach, then there will be others you can
help. I have tried to leave it sufficiently open so that you can adapt the process to your
own needs. The great thing is, there are others who you will be able to talk to and
help. That is the greatest benefit of doing this work.

I dentify the Benefits


87

I have used the financial benefits I have accrued as a direct result of doing this work. I
never have said that it will find you a job, more get your head back in shape to get the
right role or get right for your role. The financial gains were something that I was
after and they are easy to quantify.

I have also said that they are not the most important. I think getting a clear head is the
best part of all this work. Losing that heavy weight on my brow has counted for more
than anything else. I do not get depressed about work any more. I do not feel that the
situation is never going to change. I have realism where before there was only hope. I
believed there was something out there that I could get hold of if only I had the
chance. I found it through doing this work and that is why I believe you too will benefit
from such an effort.

It’s very difficult for me to put into words how I now feel about work, but I will try.
Where before I was negative, I am now positive. I was desperate to grasp at any
offer, now I can look at my interviewer and challenge them on the position and
improve the package. I was unsure of what I wanted out of work, I now know how to
define my goals and then work for them. I used to want everything yesterday and now
I appreciate the journey, rather than merely yearning for time to pass until I reach the
destination. I don’t have a Vespa any more but I still love riding motorbikes and I try
and get one for work because it is fun. I have always thought that not taking life too
seriously would get me in trouble; I have now learned to behave in a more appropriate
fashion.

Don’t get me wrong, there is so much more work to do that I feel a bit daunted but I
also feel more invigorated by the challenge. I have taken a lot of pride in this work and
I feel you deserve that pride as well. I am not talking about harmful pride, just the
quiet, justifiable kind that we can (mostly!) keep to ourselves and is a source of
strength.

What els e?

This book has been written with work in mind and getting your head back into shape to
face either a new role or approach your present job in better state. I have mentioned
the three legged stool of Work, Home and Love. The other two are great indicators of
how we think and act and have probably helped you determine certain areas of your
lives that could benefit from work.

The book is based on the twelve steps which are used in many addiction programmes.
If there is an example I have avoided, it is a comparison with addictions. I don’t
believe having a messed up head due to being in work difficulties has anything to do
with an addiction. If it leads to excessive drug or alcohol use, then that’s a whole new
ball game.

I do think that the process I have outlined can help in many areas of our lives. For
example, looking at why relationships (not necessarily sexual) fail, for interaction is
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vital to achieving personal growth. We have incredible problems with issues around
relationships and often find ourselves in unbalanced friendships that cannot help.
Using the process to address these issues can be of tremendous help. I also
experience unease in other situations, too numerous to specify here. I have to look at
why I have acted the way I have and deal with it. Again, it is the process being applied
to everyday situations.

You may well have already tried this in other areas. Great! I hope it works for you as
well as it does for me. I do not float round in a haze of glowing happiness but I feel so
much better about life that I can only recommend this to everyone. Try to do your best
and you will get fantastic results. I think it’s a lifelong process as we can constantly
work on improving ourselves. I enjoy finding out more about myself and getting
comfortable with my head and accepting me for what I am and not what I think I could
or, much worse, should be. I look at the people in my life and I have to say they are
wonderful and it sometimes makes me wonder how I deserve them as friends. The
fact is, they are my friends and I value them and that’s enough for now. I can’t ask for
much more.

Shar ed Exper iences

You might find that the real benefits for you are different to the ones I have gained
but if you draw strength from helping others, then you and I are in the same club. If
you get other benefits, I want to know. A lot of this process is about passing it on and
developing the techniques to suit your individual needs. I am a man with limited brain
power so only can bring my experience to this book. I cannot imagine what goes
through other people’s minds but I do want to know.

If you can let me know how this process has worked for you, then I would be
tremendously grateful. I can then refine it possibly for myself and also for others to
whom I then get to talk. I am positive that your story is more interesting than mine, if
only because I haven’t heard it before. I am a little bored of thinking about what I
have been through and writing it down. It is aimed to help you yet this book has
become a bit of an obsession with me. I have wanted to get it out for quite a while so
when others do read it, I will be immensely relieved.

Having worked in marketing I understand that it is a bit of a black art. The most
effective technique is often viral marketing, that is predominantly by word of mouth.
This word of mouth will get the process to others and they can feed back to me. Is
there the possibility of a community out there that are in work difficulty and would love
some help? It undoubtedly already exists in which case this work may be just an extra
bit of help. I would still love to hear from you to let me know what help this has given
you and how you have evolved it for your own needs.
89

Thinking of You

We all deserve pats on our backs for this kind of work. I have mentioned that I do not
apply myself fervently everyday to every issue but I do know how to deal with the
upsets in the workplace and other areas of my life. I am far from a faultless person
and I have to face up to those faults on a regular basis. I do like to get away from all
the work, though. I take a mental holiday, whether it is going away for a couple of
days, watching a mindless movie or just plain ignoring the problems as they
accumulate. I need the rest or else it bogs me down. Take a rest yourself. Some will
have you believe that you can never escape yourselves – I agree entirely. But you are
also the one who needs the holidays.

Balance is vital to a successful life and I believe this process will set you firmly on the
way to achieving and excellent sense of balance in your life. You will probably want to
do more work in other areas and I commend you for it. You may feel incredibly stable
with a fine frame of mind after doing this work so I am delighted for you.

We all need to live healthy lives which involves other people around us in order to
grow. This process is about nailing one aspect of our lives, work, and making us
approach it in such a way as to draw strength and enjoyment from it. Work does not
have to be a chore and nothing needs to seem that way as long as we approach it in the
right way. When we are happy, nothing seems tough and I want you to be happy from
this process. This happiness can affect the other areas of our lives that I have
mentioned – the Home and our Loves. These are equally important and are
intermingled so work is often met with great benefits. I get immense satisfaction from
applying this level of work to my life and get to enjoy the results daily. I am lucky and I
want you to be too.

Your s , Tr uly

This process has been written for you and your benefits. That’s why I sat down and did
it and boy, if I had known how long it would have taken, I would probably never have
started it. You may have found the same with doing this process and it is taking longer
than you imagined. Stick at it and the rewards will be more than worth it. The journey
has benefited me and I have learnt a lot more about myself whilst doing it. Revisiting
old experiences has reminded me strongly of my actions and I have been able to
address some issues I had missed.

This is what it’s all about. Improvement of you is the aim of this book and I think this
will assist enormously. You will find a new freedom around work that might make
others question your newfound approach and you will be grateful. What may have
seemed impossible before will be achievable and you will enjoy the challenges.
90

There will be a balance in your life that almost makes me envious thinking about it. I
try not to care about what others think of me and I hope the same approach affects
you. In the meantime, I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you when you
do this process and I wish you nothing but the best wishes from my very core.

It isn’t easy – but it’s worth it!

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