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The Depot – spoof

The Depot – spoof

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Published by carillontechnic9873
The Carillon – Vol. 55, Issue 26
The Carillon – Vol. 55, Issue 26

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Published by: carillontechnic9873 on May 01, 2013
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09/01/2014

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Pay for your education: smoke and drink
Premier Wall
s
budget meant to make“rowdy teens”pay forowneducation
Thursday’sprovincial budget has placedthe burden squarely on adolescents to start paying for their post-secondary educationyears in advance by raising taxes on bothtobacco and liquor products across the province.As it is well known, morally- bankrupt teens party every weekend,smoking cigarettes and drinking all man-ner of alcohol, and the new tax on these products will“I think the budget is pretty clearly sayingto teens, ‘look, you’re partying away themoney you should be saving for your edu-cation, so the government is going to takealittle more of that and reinvest it in post-secondary education’said University of Regina President Vianne Timmons. “Andit’snotjust those hooligans in highschool; it’s the second, third, or fourthyear students that frequent the Owl everyday of the week. Hell, Keg-o-rama basi-cally financed a new TAfor the Englishdepartment by itself.”Premier Brad Wall said that theincrease in “sin” taxes is in typical Sask.Party fashion innovative, forward think-ing, and unquestionably right.“I mean, let’s face facts,” saidPremier Wall in the post-budget scrum,“Kids smoke and drink, or at least the coolones do. We just want to increase the taxon those rowdy teens so that they will,with every cigarette and every mickey, beinvesting a little bit in their future. Our only regret is we could find a way to shoe-horn P3 funding into post-secondary edu-cation, but maybe next year.”Students who will be affected bythe increase in the tax have for the most part understood the government move.For tenth grader Stephen Krum, the mes-sage has never been clearer.“I really wasn’t that interested insmoking or drinking, but if I want to domy part in balancing the provincial budgetand being able to keep universities operat-ing, I have to take up smoking. And theoccasional Canadian is going to have toget a lot more frequent.”“I just really want to go to university in afew years, and apparently this is the onlyconceivable way that funding for themmight ever be possible.”
Marvin Power/Metro News
Seen above is Premier Brad Wall fulfilling his necessitities for getting his own education.
Enrico Falafel/Metro News
Legal Disclaimer:In case for whatever sad rea-son,it’s not ridiculously obvi-ous,depot is a work of satire.Anyone who wants to sue uscan advise our lawyer,JohnSmith.He’s a work of satiretoo,by the way.
 
Escalator stuck midwaythrough trip causes terrifyingsituation
54 passengers on board anescalator traveling from thefirst floor to the secondfloor of the Cornwall Centrefaced grueling circum-stances when their escala-tor stopped workingmidway through the trip.
Passengers were stuck for morethan 13 hours as the Cornwallrepair crew tried to fix the prob-lem.“We don’t really knowwhat’s going on. This is the firsttime something like this hashappened to us, and we apolo-gize for the inconvenience andtime delay that this has causedour customers,” said Cornwallexecutive director Wendy Troy.The Cornwall Center has two escalators transporting passengers between both floorsofthe mall. The center also has astaircase that customers canmanually climb to reach the sec-ond floor.“I usually take thestairs, but today, I thought Iwould change my mode of trans- portation,” Laila Hood said.“Now I’m stuck here, and I’vemissed my dentist appointmentand my son’s soccer game. Thisis really frustrating.”Beyond just missingimportant appointments, passen-gers also described the event astruly horrific.“It’s a simple journeythat’s turned into such a crueland unusual punishment,” Roger Benny said.Terry Wood agrees.“For the first time inmy life, I know what it’s like to be in a hostage situation. It’sscary. You are just stuck waiting,not knowing what’s going tohappen,” he said.Cornwall’srepair crewwas able to fix the problem – anoverheated motor – and passen-gers were gifted with shoppingcards for their troubles.
by the numbers
2
number of people startled annu-ally by unpredictable but scary es-calators
Tubular Cateefa/Metro News 
being stuck on an escalator can give people a sense of goingnowhere.
‘Stop your bitching’
ScantronEssay prototype toreplace sessional instructors
Backlash against cuts to theEnglish department about theloss of many sessional and TAinstructors has caused the uni-versity administration to reverseits decision. “We’re pleased toannounce our new innovativeway of delivering supplementaryinstruction in the form of a pub-lic-private partnership withScantron,” president VianneTimmons announced onMonday.“We’ve found Scantronto be very effective in helpingwith the marking of exams inBusiness and Engineering, but Ithought, why do we have tolimit the efficiencies of Scantronto those faculties?” Provost TomChase added.Come fall, professorsteaching English 100 will beaided by the new ScantronEssay proto-type. It works in the sameway Scantron’smultiple-choicetests work, where a test is fedthrough a machine and a scoredetermined by a computer.However, some peopleare stuck in the past and unwill-ing to embrace innovation.“Are you fucking kid-ding me,” department head Nicholas Ruddick told Metro.“How the hell is a computer go-ing to mark an essay?”“It’s literally just a pa- per shredder,” third-year studentWilliam Wenaus added. “You put your essay in the machine,and it comes out in shreds.”
Shredding papers seemed like a clever solution to dealing withhaving to mark student work:Innovation!
 
Watch out, John John ... Taylor Swift has her eye on you 
MANYWORDS
Puald Bergdencelebritybullshit@deponews.ca
Taylor Swift has totally been eye-fuckin’the shitout of 20-year-old prosurfer John John Florence,according to some fuckinglosers whose lives are so pathetic they have to livevicariously through the per-sonal lives of celebrities.“They’ve totally been, like, texting and junk,” a source says.“Apparently she texted him.Idon’t think they havehung out yet, but they’ve been talking. Talking.That’s some newsworthyshit right there. John Johndoesn’t want to ruin things,so he’s being careful not tosay too much.”
Bad life choices and a Chia Pet .
ALL PHOTOS GEDDY LEE IMAGES
Many Words
 
T
 
witter
@horse_ebooks
Ice Cream has become anAmerican
. . .. .
Just becauseLindsay Lohanis facing 90days in rehabdoesn’t meanshe can’t keep paddling that pink canoe.Statisticallyspeaking, most people mastur- bate, but our sources wereshocked to findLohan mastur- bating in pri-vate. “How thefuck did youget into myroom? I’m try-ing to turn mylife around;can’t you stupidfucks give mesome goddamn privacy?,” shetold E! News.
Rehab doesn’t seem to be get-ting in the way of Lohan’s self-love life
 
We take back what we said about T.Swift.
Yesterday, Vianne Timmonswas seen leaving the U of R and driving home. “This iswhere I live. What the helldo you want from me!” shesaid on Wednesday. “Gothe fuck away, or I’m call-ing the cops,” she added.Her secretary toldMetro that she left for homeat 6 p.m. that evening.“That’s what timeshe usually goes home,”she said.Our source also toldus that Timmons drives a“car” to the U of R. “It hasfour wheels. Also doors,”our source told us.
Vianne Timmons seen leaving U of R,going home
Vianne Timmons
Tom chase and his sandwich are reunited after his lateststint doing his job in the morning, and the couple report-edly celebrated by hitting up their favourite local dive bar,Riddell Centre. “They seemed really happy with eachother. Tom and Sandy were having so much fun together,”a source says. “They sat in the back of Riddell in a boothand were laughing. At one point, there were standing at atable just being normal, as any person and his or her sand-wich would be with each other. They were touchy-feely.There were crumbs on his jacket. They were just beingcute.”
Chase reunites with sandwich at lunch afterworking in the morning

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