Dr.

Terry Paulson - How To Deal With Difficult People Daily news accounts profile at least one executive or company that allowed differences among people to lead to their downfall. In this session, Dr. Terry Paulson shares that these differences should instead have the opposite effect. When managed properly, differences and conflict, can produce greater learning, teamwork and innovation. Dr. Terry Paulson is a psychologist and author of such popular books as 50 Tips For Speaking Like a Pro and Paulson on Change. A prominent platform presenter as well Dr. Paulson is a member of the international Speakers Hall of Fame. , Heres Dr. Terry Paulson as he shares the secrets of Dealing with Difficult People. Welcome to today's session: "Dealing With Difficult People." Now is that a good topic? How many of you agree, almost all of us have 5 to 10% of the people that we struggle to get through to? Could be customer, could be a boss, could be a co-worker, could be an associate that works for you. All of them create their own unique challenges. This particular program is designed to help you deal with that tough 10%. Do you think that's a topic worth looking at? Alright if you don't have any difficult people, we would like to learn from you. Almost everybody has to go through this process and the first point I want to stress is that conflict and difference has value. Realize if the only people we talk to are people that agree with us we wouldn't have any difficult people but we wouldn't learn. I value the fact that I have people who disagree with me because in the process of talking with them I get to establish clarity in my own thinking. If I only spend time with people who agree with me, I am limited in my perspective. Conflict creates energy. A passion! I'm not afraid of conflict but I also realize that if it's handled poorly we can end up damaging relationships, making it difficult to move forward on some of the changes that we have to make. One difficult person can sabotage things that are very important to you. Our responsibility is to make sure that conflict works for us, not against us. Another key point. Learn to talk to people instead of about them. Almost all of the conversations that occur today tend to be conversations about

Lm Vic Vi Ngi Kh Tnh Tin tc hng ngy thng hay cp s lc v t nht mt v lnh o hay cng ty nhng im khc bit gia nhn vin dn n s sa st ca h. Trong bui hc ny, Tin s Terry Paulson chia s vi chng ta rng, thay v vy, nhng im khc bit ny nn c tc dng ngc li. Khi c qun l ng cch, nhng iu khc bit v xung t c th to ra rt nhiu c hi hc hi, li lm vic theo nhm, v s tin b. Tin s Terry Paulson l mt chuyn gia tm l v l tc gi ca nhng cun sch ph bin nh 50 Mo Ni Chuyn Nh Mt Ngi Chuyn Nghip hoc, Quan Nim Ca Paulson V S Thay i. v ng cng l mt din gi ni bt Tin s Paulson l thnh vin Hi Danh D Nhng Din Gi Quc T V y, Tin s Terry Paulson s chia s nhng b quyt Lm Vic Vi Nhng Ngi Kh Tnh. Cho mng cc bn n vi bui hc vi ch : Lm Vic Vi Nhng Ngi Kh Tnh. y c phi l ti hay? Bao nhiu ngi ng l trong s nhng ngi m chng ta tip xc, thng c khong t 5 - 10% khin chng ta phi vt v tip cn. c th l khch hng, l ng ch, l ng nghip hoc c th l i tc lm vic cho bn. Tt c h u l nhng thch thc ring. Chng trnh c bit ny c thit k gip bn tip cn vi mi phn trm nhng ngi kh tnh . By gi bn thy hng th vi ch ny cha? Nu bn khng gp phi kh khn khi tip xc vi bt c ngi kh tnh no, chng ti mun c hc hi bn. Hu nh ai cng phi tri qua giai on ny v iu u tin ti mun nhn mnh l mu thun v s khc bit u c gi tr ca n. Nhn ra c ngi mnh ang tr chuyn c ng tnh vi mnh hay khng th coi nh l chng ta s khng cn gp phi kh khn g c. Ti tha nhn thc t c nhng ngi khng ng tnh vi ti v trong qu trnh tr chuyn vi h ti c thi quen i hi lm r mi vic theo cch ca ti. Nu ti ch dnh thi gian cho nhng ngi ng h kin ca ti, kh nng ca ti s b gii hn. Cc mu thun gip to ra sinh lc v nim am m. Ti tht s khng ngi mu thun nhng ti cng nhn ra nu mu thun khng c x l tt s dn n v quan h, gy kh khn cho nhng thay i m chng ta cn thc hin. Mt ngi kh tnh c th ph hng nhng iu c ngha rt quan trng i vi bn. Trch nhim ca chng ta l lm cho cc mu thun tr nn c li cho chng ta, thay v ngc li. Mt iu quan trng khc. Hy hc cch ni chuyn vi

people. You may have individuals as a leader come to you and say well I don't like the way so and so does things. We end up listening and encouraging them to share that and forget the fact that when you share that information you discharge some of the energy but you may then not have the motivation to talk to the person directly. I have learned there are times when somebody comes to talk to me about someone else I say I'd be glad to be your sounding board and if you'd like to talk about how to deal with them directly, I'd be glad to do so, but at the end of this conversation I expect you to talk to them directly. There are far too many people talking about others, not to others. Realize as a leader you have people who talk about you. They're not sure that you will receive the criticism well. Our responsibility is to get people to realize that when conflict's working in an organization, we're comfortable talking to each other. You see, I go with the old adage, if one person calls you a horses behind, don't worry about it. But when 4 people do, go out and buy a saddle. In fact I believe every company ought to have a saddle award and every once in a while you as a leader ought to take it because sometimes we're wrong. I believe the honest admitting that I have made a mistake and the ability to have people have that interaction takes us away from what we've been taught all our lives. How many of you were taught that conflict was bad? If you can't say anything nice, don't say it at all. Don't you even look at me that way. You think it's funny don't you? You want to go to your room? Children should be seen and not heard. As a result of that training many people sit in meetings and they're not happy with something that they don't speak up. Our job is to make sure that we make conflict work for the organization and that starts with making sure that people talk to people, not about them.

Our next point, focus on issues, not fault finding. Instead of being stuck on fault finding or attacking the person, focus on issues. Let me give you an example. How many agree most people wait until they're angry to confront aproblem? Now this is even more likely to happen in today's age

ngi khc, thay v ni v ngi khc. Hu nh cc cuc tr chuyn ngy nay u hng v con ngi. Bn trong vai tr lnh o s c nhng ngi n v ni vi bn rng anh ta khng thch vic ny, vic kia. Chng lng nghe h v khuyn khch h chia s v qun rng khi chng ta chia s thng tin ngha l chng ta tiu hao nng lng v sau bn khng cn mun tr chuyn trc tip vi ngi na. Ti hiu c c nhng lc ngi ta n v k cho ti nghe v mt ai , ti s bo rng "ti rt sn lng lm qun s cho anh v nu anh mun bn chuyn v cch i x trc tip vi h, ti s rt sn lng, tuy nhin, khi kt thc bui tr chuyn, ti ngh anh nn ni chuyn trc tip vi ngi ." Trong cuc sng c qu nhiu ngi thch ni v nhau, thay v ni vi nhau. Hy nh rng khi bn l mt nh lnh o th lun c ngi mun ni v bn, h khng cn bit l bn c n nhn s ph bnh hay khng. Trch nhim ca chng ta l lm cho ton th nhn vin hiu rng khi c mu thun pht sinh mi ngi c th thoi mi trao i vi nhau. Ti c mt cu chm ngn nh th ny, nu mt ngi no gi sau lng bn l nga, ng quan tm n iu . Nhng nu 4 ngi cng ni nh th, bn nn nhanh chng i mua cho mnh mt ci yn nga. Tht vy, ti tin rng bt k cng ty no cng c mt ci yn nga v mt ln no bn phi mang n trong cng v l mt lnh o, ch bi khng phi chng ta lun lun ng. Ti tin rng nu thnh tht tha nhn ti phm sai lm v kh nng gy nh hng tc ng n ngi khc s gip chng ta tin xa hn so vi nhng g chng ta c dy trong sut cuc i mnh. Bao nhiu ngi trong s cc bn c dy rng mu thun lun l iu xu? "Nu bn khng th ni ln iu g tt p, tt nht l ng nn ni g c." Ka, ng nhn ti nh th ch. Bn cm thy bun ci lm ? Bn mun i ngay v phng? Tr con l chng ta nhm nhn ch khng phi lng nghe chng. V kt qu ca nhng t tng l chng ta c mt i ng nhn vin ngi nghe trong phng hp v d khng hi lng vi nhiu iu nhng h khng ln ting. Cng vic ca chng ta l lm cho cc mu thun c tc dng tch cc n t chc v hy bt u bng vic lm mi ngi ni vi nhau, thay v ni v nhau. iu quan trng th hai, hy tp trung vo cc vn , thay v ch tm kim sai lm. Thay v vng vo vic tm kim cc sai st hay ch trch nhn vin, Hy tp trung vo cc vn chnh. Ti ly mt v d nh. Bao nhiu ngi ng tnh cho rng hu ht mi ngi u ch n khi

because of the speed with which communication occurs. It used to be when you're upset with somebody you would write a letter. And you'd have time to make an adjustment before you sent out the letter. Now we have voice mail and email. How many of you have been upset at somebody and he just got into your email? Ummm. Send! And you realize you cc'd it to everyone in the organization. Then you have to send your second message - disregard, initial low brain function. You see the principal responsibility is to realize most people vacillate between avoidance and aggression. They don't find that assertive middle ground where they're able to confront a problem on the issue. If you wait until you're angry, you're less likely to be oriented toward problem solving and you're more interested in making them admit that it is their fault. Realize the impact of that. Some people will never admit that they made a mistake. How many of you've worked with people who could not emotionally deal with admitting they made a mistake? I don't care! It's over anyway. We can't go back. My focus on conflict is always out the front window. What are we going to do in the future to make sure that that is something we don't do again? If at the end of our conversation they say well that's the way I handled it. Well, I guess we'll have no problems. Because my concern is making sure that we move out that front window to the activities that allow us to improve our performance. When you confront a trait, you invite defensiveness. You see, I am not a rude person but I've had moments that I've been rude. But if somebody told me in a communication and they were confronting me and they said, "Terry, you're rude." I would immediately want to defend because it's not characteristically me. Most of the time I'm friendly, easy to work with but occasionally I have made a poor response. It's easier to admit you made a mistake than to admit you are one. So whenever you're confronting somebody, realize the importance. Do your homework so that when you're talking to them, you're focusing on issues as opposed to traits. Traits may help you think, but they don't help in communication because they invite defensiveness and counter attacks. Those are not things we want to do. My major focus is on what are we going to do to problem solve and get out that front window and make a difference.

h ni cu mi bt u gii quyt vn ? Khuynh hng ny ngy cng tr nn ph bin hn trong thi i ngy nay khi tc thng tin lin lc c ci thin. Trc y khi bun mt ai bn thng vit th. V bn c thi gian chnh sa l th trc khi gi i. Ngy nay chng ta c email v hp th thoi. Bao nhiu ngi trong s cc bn tng bc bi mt ai v vit ngay mt email. Gi ngay! V bn nhn ra l mnh ng gi cho tt c mi ngi trong cng ty. Sau bn phi gi email th hai yu cu mi ngi b qua th ban u v s thiu cn nhc. Bn nhn nhn trch nhim chnh ca mnh l nhn ra rng hu ht mi ngi u do d gia n trnh v gy hn. H khng hiu c rng thi chng mc ng n s gip h gii quyt tt vn . Nu bn ch n khi mnh ni gin, bn s thiu tp trung vo gii quyt vn v c khuynh hng bn s quan tm n vic khin ngi khc tha nhn l li ca h. Hy nhn bit tc ng ny. Mt s ngi s khng bao gi tha nhn h phm li. Bao nhiu ngi trong s cc bn lm vic vi ngi khng c thc tha nhn li ca mnh? "Ti khng quan tm na. Chuyn qua ri. D g chng ta cng khng th quay ngc thi gian". Vic ti nhn mnh l mu thun lun lun tn ti ngoi x hi. Nhng g chng ta phi lm trong tng lai l bo m khng iu lp li ln na? Nu sau cuc tr chuyn, h bo rng " l cch ti x l vn ". , ti ngh l chng ta s khng cn kh khn no na. iu ti quan tm l chng ta phi bc ra ngoi x hi tham gia vo cc hot ng gip chng ta hon thin bn thn. Khi gp phi vn , bn thng c khuynh hng phn ng phng v. Bn cht ti khng phi l ngi th l, nhng cng c nhng lc ti c x th l. Nhng nu ai ang tr chuyn vi ti v ni rng: "Terry, anh tht l mng". Ngay lp tc ti bo cha cho mnh ngay v tht s khng phi l bn cht ca ti. Hu nh ti l ngi lun t ra thn thin, d hp tc mc d i khi ti phn ng rt t. Tha nhn minh la ngi gy ra sai lm lun d hn la tha nhn l tnh cch ca mnh. V vy, khi bn phi i mt vi ai , hy nh r tm quan trng ny. Hy thc tp iu ny khi ni chuyn vi ngi khc, bn hon ton tp trung vo cc vn hn l chng li c tnh ca ngi . Tnh cch ca mt ngi gip bn suy xt vn nhng khng gip ch nhiu trong giao tip v chng ta ch lm cho ngi khc tr nn c th v chng li s tn cng. y r rng l iu chng ta khng mong i. iu ti tht s quan tm l chng ta cn lm g gii quyt vn , vt ra ngoi th gii hn hp ca mnh v

This brings us to our next point. When confronting people, prepare a script beforehand. I have 3 key messages think of whenever I am ready to confront. I feel. I didn't like. And in the future. Let's go through them one by one. How many of you were taught at different times in your career that when you were to criticize somebody you would start with a positive? You know, basically, uh, you've been doing a fine job. However yesterday you were defective. What ends of happening and research has shown this, people so anticipate that, that as soon as you begin to hear a compliment you're ready for the second shoe to fall. We have overused that particular strategy. I find I want my compliments to stand alone. If I'm going to compliment you, I want you to know that I appreciate it and there's no baggage attached to it. It means more. When I'm going to confront you, you know by the way in which I script my message that that is the focus of our concern and my job is to get beyond that. If I'm going to use any positives, I will use it at the end the conversation if it warrants it because sometimes the performance has mixed positives and negatives you need to respond to. So what do I start with? In a world that is overcrowded with information I like to let somebody know something is important. Emotion does that. If I say to you I'm frustrated about something, I need to talk to you. Immediately you will come out of your scan and say uh-oh, I guess I'd better listen. Our relationship is important. I prefer giving them a level of my frustration. Look, I'm disappointed about something and I want to talk to you about it. I believe I now have your attention. The second focus is for me to then go to what we talked about earlier to give them a very clear, specific reference to what happened. Yesterday in the meeting when we were discussing this proposal, it was my understanding that you were in agreement with me and very quickly I saw that I didn't have your support and I was surprised by that change. I did not say that he didn't support me. I didn't say that he was a traitor or anything else. All I said was "yesterday in the conversation when that happened." I brought a reference point that specifically isolated the behavior or the issue I want to talk about. In my preparation, the most important point is the third. The third is my thinking about expectations about what I would like to see in the future. What is it that I want from this person? Have you ever received a criticism from somebody? I mean you say, what do you want?

lm nn s khc bit. iu ny a chng ta n vi im quan trng tip theo. Khi i mt vi mi ngi, hy chun b sn cho bn mt kch bn. C ba iu ch yu m ti thng ngh n khi chun b phi i mt vi ngi khc. Ti cm thy. Ti khng thch. V trong tng lai. Chng ta hy cng nghin cu qua tng iu mt. Bao nhiu ngi trong s cc bn hc c qua kinh nghim trong cng vic ca mnh rng khi mun ph bnh mt ai phi bt u bng mt iu tch cc? "Anh bit khng, c bn th anh lm vic rt tt. Tuy nhin, hm qua anh mc sai lm". Nghin cu thc t cho thy rng mi ngi thng d chng khi nghe c mt li khen ngi no , c th tip theo s l mt li ph bnh. Chng ta qu lm dng chin lc ny. Ti mun nhng li khen tng ca mnh c mt v tr c lp, Nu ti mun khen tng bn, ti mun bn hiu rng ti nh gi cao iu v ng sau li khen tng y khng i km mt gnh nng no c. iu tht s c ngha. Khi ti sp i din vi bn, bn bit iu qua cch ti din t thng ip ca mnh l tp trung vo vn chng ta quan tm, nhim v ca ti l gii quyt c vn . Nu ti mun ni iu g tch cc, ti s dng n phn cui cu chuyn nu n tht s c ngha, v i khi kt qu cng vic thng xen ln gia yu t tch cc v tiu cc. Vy th ti nn bt u bng iu g? Trong mt th gii trn ngp thng tin, ti mun mi ngi bit iu g l quan trng. V cm xc quyt nh iu . Nu ti ni vi bn "ti ang tht vng v mt iu v ti cn ni chuyn vi anh". Khi bn s ngng ngay cng vic v bt u m , ti nn lng nghe anh, quan h ca chng ta mi l quan trng m". Ti mun ni cho h nghe v s tht vng ca mnh. Xem y, ti ang tht vng v iu g v ti mun k cho anh bit. By gi th ti tin rng bn tht s ch tm nghe. iu th hai ti quan tm l hy i thng vo vn chng ta bn lun nhm lm sng t, r rng nhng g xy ra. "Ngy hm qua trong bui hp chng ta ang bn v xut ny, ti hiu l anh tn ng kin ca ti v trong mt thong ti nhn ra ti khng c s ng h ca anh na, v ti rt ngc nhin v s thay i chng vnh ". Ti khng bo rng anh ta khng ng h ti. Ti cng khng bo rng anh ta l k phn bi hay g g khc. Nhng g ti ni l, nhng g xy ra trong cuc hp ngy hm qua. Ti a ra mt im lin h lm ni bt mt cch c th hnh ng hoc vn ti mun bn n. Trong phn chun b ca ti, iu quan trng nht chnh l iu

Well, I don't know. I just don't like what you did. It's not really helpful. If my focus is moving things forward, I want you to have done your homework. What do you want from me? Now I am prepared by my preparation to make sure that I'm in a position where I have thought through what I expect from the person - in the future I would appreciate this. I know that sometimes we're going to disagree, but I would have appreciated that you would have let me know prior to that meeting. It would have allowed me to prepare a little bit differently, maybe talk about some of the things privately with you. That gives a specific reference about what I expect for the future. That's my preparation, but I want to give you caution. Most people like what comes out of their mouth rather than what comes out of yours. Even though I'm prepared, if you give a confrontation well, oftentimes you don't need to say what you expect. If you've identified the concern and then you pause, and you have them share with you some of their thoughts about it, many times when you are specific they'll take responsibility for their error and once they have, we're in a position where we can allow them to be part of that conversation and I'd much rather ask them, "well, have you thought about it? Can you think of any way that we could deal with this differently. If they come up with the idea, they're always going to feel better about it then if you do. Once they're involved in that problem solving, I move from "I" statements. You see, who's the only person you have really the authority to speak for? I start with I statements. "I feel." "I didn't like." Many people start with "we" talk. I think we have something we need to discuss. Well if the person says, well I'm not aware of anything. Oh. It's the "we" over here. Me and the mouse behind me. We discussed this earlier. Don't go to "we" talk until they've accepted your agenda and they're problem solving with you. When they do, you want to allow yourself to then make it a common conversation. I have had some individuals that did not want to participate with me and they're silent to what it is when I ask them "what would you see doing differently" and they say "nothing." I want to be able to say to that person, well, I'd like to have us both take some time to think about this, but let me share with you some of my thoughts about what I'd like to see happen. Some people may see you as being better at communication than they are and they need a little time to think. Don't force the case. Be able to say to the person, why you dont do some thinking. I will as well. Let's get back together and see

th 3. iu th 3 l suy ngh ca ti v nhng g ti mong i trong tng lai. l nhng g ti mun t ngi ny? Bn bao gi nhn kin ph bnh t ngi khc? V bn t vn "Anh mun g y?" ", khng r na. Ti ch khng thch nhng g anh lm".N khng c ch li g c. Nu ti tp trung vo xc tin mi vic, ti mun bn phi c s chun b nh.By gi th bn mun g ti no? By gi ti chun b bo m rng ti suy ngh k v nhng iu m ti mong mun t ngi . "Trong tng lai, ti s nh gi cao iu ny". Ti hiu rng thnh thong chng ta s c bt ng, nhng ti s nh gi cao vic bn thng bo cho ti bit trc lc din ra cuc hp. iu cho php ti c s chun b khc hn, c th l mt cuc tr chuyn ring t v iu ny vi bn." iu cho php ti c s cn nhc v nhng g ti mong mun trong tng lai. l s chun b ca ti, v ti mun bo trc vi bn. Hu nh ai cng thch nhng iu do chnh h ni hn l bn ni. Trong nhiu trng hp, bn cng khng cn pht biu nhng g mnh mun. Nu bn a ra vn v bn tm ngng ni, bn mun h chia s suy ngh vi bn v iu , nhiu ln khi bn ni r vn , h s chu trch nhim v nhng sai lm ca mnh v khi h nhn li, chng ta v tr phi cho php h tham gia vo cu chuyn v ti s hi h Bn suy ngh v iu cha? "Bn c th ngh ra mt bin php no gip chng ta gii quyt chuyn ny mt cch khc bit?" Nu h c tng, h s cm thy thoi mi hn l khi bn a ra. Mt khi ho tham gia vao qua trinh giai quyt vn , ti se i t cach xng Ti Ban thy y, ai la ngi duy nht ma ban thc s co quyn ai din phat ngn. Ti bt u bng vic xng Ti. Ti cam thy Ti khng thich. Nhiu ngi bt u bng vic xng chung ti. Ti nghi chung ta cn thao lun vai iu y. Nu nh ngi o noi Ti khng nhn thy iu gi ca. ", o la chung ti y, ti va con chut ng sau ti na." Chng ta tho lun vn trc y. ng dng i t "chng ta" cho n khi ho chp nhn lich trinh cua ban va tham giai quyt vn cng vi ban. Khi ho chp nhn nh th ban mi bin no thanh mt cuc noi chuyn thng thng. Ti bit mt vai ca nhn khng mun tham gia vi ti va ho gi im lng khi ti hoi Ban thy nn lam gi khac hn va ho noi Chng co gi. Ti mun c noi vi ngi o, , ti mun chung ta danh chut thi gian ra nghi v no, nhng ti chia se vi anh mt vai suy nghi v cach ma ti mun no din ra. Mt vai ngi co th ngh rng ban giao tip gioi hn ho va ho cn chut thi gian

if we can make this happen. Our job is to make sure that we have scripted our message in a way that allows us give that message effectively. After today's session, you'll have a chance to practice scripting some messages and giving that to one another. Next point. Just as we're preparing how to give effective feedback to others, it's important that we prepare others to give us feedback. We must learn to honor, surface and use conflict and resistance. When somebody disagrees with us, what a great opportunity. My job is to listen to that and to encourage it. Now here's the frightening thing. A lot of people don't tell you. Some research suggests that as many as 70% of employees say that they would not give criticism or negative feedback to a boss. That's a frightening percentage. Sometimes they've been burned by a previous boss. How many of you agree? You can work with somebody who really does not receive criticism well. Once an employee has that experience you could be open, but they don't have any way of knowing that. One of the challenges you face as a leader is training your team that you are approachable and can receive criticism. If somebody has the guts to confront you, make sure you listen, you honor them for coming with that feedback, irrespective of what happens in dealing with it, they're going to be honored. I ask the person prior to them leaving, "Would you mind if in the next meeting I brought up the fact that we had this conversation because I'm sure if you felt that way somebody else might as well and I want to make sure that other people know that I really encourage this." The next meeting when you mention it, you might say, Bill was sharing something with me yesterday after the meeting and I had not even thought about it and because he did, it's an opportunity for us to move forward and I am sure that others of you may have had the same feeling. They look at Bill and they notice that Bill still looks healthy and has not been punished excessively. In fact he's being honored. If you do not make it safe to confront you, they will not confront you. They'll talk about you, but not to you. Anytime I have somebody upset, my basic goal is I want them to come to me when they're assertively upset. I don't want to wait until you're angry. Too many people wait until they're angry. My job is to get them to feel comfortable knowing they can tell me early. The earlier we know, the easier it is to change and the more likely it is we'll move forward in that change process. Irrespective of how you deal with conflict, here's an important message.

nghi. ng ep buc ho trong trng hp nay. Hay noi vi ngi y, "Tai sao bn khng nghi thm mt cht v iu ny?" "Ti cung se lam th." "Hy cng nhau xem lai kh nng chung ta co th lam c iu o."Nhim vu cua chung ta la bao am rng chung ta a chun bi thng ip ca mnh sao cho chung ta co th truyn tai thng ip o hiu qua. Sau bui hoc hm nay, ban se co c hi thc hanh vic chun bi thng ip va a no cho ngi khac. Tip theo. Khi chng ta chun b c th a ra phn hi tch cc cho ngi khc cung quan trong nh khi chun b ngi khc a kin phn hi cho chng ta. Chung ta phai hoc cach tn trong, chp nhn v s dng s mu thun, khng c. Khi mt ai bt ng vi chng ta, l mt c hi tt. Nhim vu cua ta la lng nghe va khuyn khich iu o. V y l iu khng khip. Rt nhiu ngi khng noi vi ban. Mt vai nghin cu cho thy 70 % s nhn vin noi rng ho khng dam ph binh hay co phan hi khng tt i vi cp trn cua minh. Tht la mt ti l ang s.C l tng chu hu qu do vic ny t ngi cp trn cu ca mnh. Bao nhiu ngi trong cac ban ng y? Ban co th lam vic vi mt ngi ma khng thch nghe nhng li ph binh. Mt khi nhn vin c hiu rng bn c th ci m, nhng ho khng co cach nao bit iu ny. Mt trong nhng th thch m bn phi i mt cng v lnh o l o to nhn vin sao cho h bit rng bn l ngi d tip cn v tip nhn s ph bnh. Nu mt ai quyt tm i u vi bn hy chc rng bn s lng nghe, bn trn trng h v ni cho bn nghe nhng phn hi. D cho iu c gii quyt nh th no h vn c bn trn trng v nhng kin ng gp . Ti hi ngi trc khi h i khi "Anh c ngi khng nu trong cuc hp ti ti tha nhn vic chng ta bn vi nhau v ti chc rng nu anh cm thy th th cng s c ngi cm thy vy. V ti mun mi ngi bit rng ti tht s khuyn khch mi ngi trnh by kin ca mnh Trong bui hp ti, khi cp n vn ny, c th bn s ni: Bill chia s vi iu vi ti hm qua, sau bui hp v ti thm ch cn cha ngh n v anh ta ni cho ti bit iu ny, ti ngh y l mt c hi cho chng ta tip tc tin trin xa hn v ti chc rng cc bn khc cng c cm gic nh th." H nhn Bill v nhn ra Bill trng vn khe mnh v cha b trng pht mt cch kht khe. Thc t l anh ta c tn trng. Nu bn khng nhn vin thy vic ng u vi bn l an ton th h s khng ng u. H s ni v bn nhng khng phi l ni vi bn. Bt c khi no c ai bt bnh v ti, mc tiu c

Our next point is clear. How do you make enemies? I realize we've been entirely too constructive so it's time we move into the destructive phase of training. I'm going to teach you how to make enemies. Some of you are not good at this so I can help you. All it takes to establish an enemy is to have a significant negative experience early. When a child touches a hotplate, very few children will say gee, I like pain, let me stay here. Early perceptions have a tremendous impact on relationships. In a changing world with a lot more conflict and expectation, I guarantee you the chances of you having conflict early are greater. It may be partially your job to come in and say no to somebody. As a result, if the first interaction you have is negative, that colors the experience. There's a second factor that happens in a relationship. It may not be the experience you had but the warnings you receive. How many of you have been warned about people before when you went to work? You've got to work with who? I don't want to tell you, you'll learn yourself. How many agree, with that warning that's all you would need to have an anticipation of conflict. Realize something else. Any bias you have does the same thing. Age, gender, race, background, profession. Any of them carries baggage with that particular label that can affect whether or not you work well with people. The challenge that we need to be aware of is whether you're warned or otherwise, the second component of an enemy relationship is distance. We avoid our difficult people. When you go to meetings you don't sit with the people you have difficulty with. You sit in your comfort zone. How many of you do that right away? As soon as you go into meeting - oh, there you are. Oh gee. We sit with the people we're comfortable with. If there's an enemy there you wait for somebody else to take that seat. Not any more. Once I had realized how to work with difficult people I realized the importance of finding some balance. Whenever I go to meetings, if there's anybody I've had difficulty with in earlier meetings and there's a seat next to them, I take it. Think about that for a moment. Don't allow yourself to become distant. The final thing

bn ca ti l mun h n vi ti khi ang cc k bc xc.Ti khng mun ch ti khi tht s ni gin. Rt nhiu ngi ch n khi h tht s gin d. Nhim v ca ti l khin h cm thy thoi mi v bit rng h c th ni vi ti sm hn. Chng ta cng bit sm th cng d thay i v kh nng thc hin vic thay i cng nhiu hn. Bt k bn gii quyt xung t nh th no, y l mt thng ip quan trng. im tip theo ca chng ta th r rng ri. Bn gy th chuc on nh th no? Ti nhn ra rng no gi chng ta hun luyn hon ton theo hng tch cc, gi n lc chng ta chuyn sang giai on hun luyn tiu cc. Ti s dy bn cch to ra k th. Vi ngi trong s cc bn khng gii v vic ny, ti s gip cc bn. Tt c nhng iu ta nn lm c k th l to ra mt kinh nghim tiu cc ng ch ngay t sm. Khi mt a tr chm vo ci a nng, rt t a trong s s ni "Ti thch au, hy ti y". Nhng nhn nh ban u s c tc ng to ln i vi mi quan h. Trong mt th gii lun bin i vi nhiu mu thun v k vng, ti bo m rng bn s c nhiu c may gp phi xung t hn. C th mt phn do vic ca bn l n v ni khng vi ai . Kt qu l bn c mt s trao i khng c tch cc lm, iu ch t im thm kinh nghim. Cn c yu t th hai xy ra trong mi quan h. N c th khng phi l kinh nghim bn c c m l nhng cnh bo m bn nhn c. Bao nhiu ngi trong s cc bn c cnh bo v ai trc khi bn n lm vic? Bn phi lm vic vi ai? Ti khng mun ni y m bn phi t hc ly iu ny. Vi nhng cnh bo , bao nhiu ngi ng rng tt c nhng g bn cn l tin on mu thun. Nhn ra iu g khc na.Bn c nh kin no tng t nh vy khng? V tui tc, gii tnh, chng tc, l lch, ngh nghip. Bt c yu t no cng truyn ti mt ngha c bit no nh hng ti vic bn c th lm vic c vi ngi hay khng. Th thch m chng ta cn nhn ra l bn c c cnh bo hay thnh phn th hai ca mt mi quan h th ch l khong cch. Chng ta trnh n nhng ngi kh tnh. Khi bn i n cuc hp, bn khng ngi vi nhng ngi m bn thy kh lm vic. Bn ngi khu vc m mnh thy thoi mi. Bao nhiu ngi trong s cc bn lm ngay nh th? Ngay khi bn i n ch hp " anh bn ngi kia. Chng ta ngi vi nhng ngi m ta cm thy thoi mi. Nu c k th th bn ch cho mt ai n ngi k bn anh ta trc. iu gi khc ri. Mt khi ti nhn ra cch lm vic vi nhng ngi kh tnh, ti cng nhn ra tm quan trng trong

that makes enemies is we selectively scan for evidence to support our perceptions. They've found with researchers, teachers in the first one month of school, they've established their problem students. After one month, as soon as the teacher says open to page 8, they immediately look at their 4 most disruptive students. 8, think it's funny, don't you? Pat, that's why you're sitting up here. page ... I had your brother. I know exactly what your family's like. As soon as you have a perception of someone, you look for evidence to support it. They may have wonderful attributes but you do not see them. If you are a leader to all your people, it is your job to get beyond your biases and your distance to find a way to work with all of your people.

The next point and it's a critical one. Build bridges to your difficult people. You see, relationships are like deposit systems. You must put in the positives so you have something to borrow on. Interestingly, the only people you have positive deposits with are people you like. You go to lunch together, you laugh together, you have a common cause that you work together, you have small talk, you interact all over the place. You laugh together. With our difficult people you avoid them. If you're going to learn to deal with your difficult people, the first challenge you have is to make sure that you're building enough positive deposits so that when you begin to confront effectively, they begin to trust you. Once trust is established, you increase the likelihood that you can turn a relationship around. Final thought, not all of these efforts will be successful. You will occasionally have people who continue to be difficult. That is one of the reasons I believe it is critical whenever you're dealing with really difficult people you also have a plan B. Some people just shouldn't work together. The relationship is so difficult that to continue to work together makes it difficult for the entire team. That is one of the reasons that when I work with People who are very, very difficult, immediately I begin also building bridges to other people within the company, other departments. Work on cross functional teams. Become involved in finding if there's ways we can move laterally that allows us to be on different teams. Now I want to have the relationship work. But at the same time I realize

vic tm ra s cn bng. Bt c khi no ti i hp, nu c ai m ti thy kh chu t bui hp trc nhng c mt ch bn cnh h, ti s ngi vo y. Hy suy ngh v iu ny mt cht. ng cho php mnh tr nn kh gn. iu cui cng c th to k th l chng ta kim tra cn thn cc chng c hu thun cho nhn thc ca mnh. Cc cuc nghin cu cho thy rng cc gio vin trong thng u tin ca nm hc, h thng lp danh sch nhng hc sinh c vn . Sau mt thng, khi gio vin ni "M sch trang th 8, "ho s ngay lp tc nhn vo 4 hoc sinh ca bit nht, "8, em nghi iu ny bun ci phi khng? "Pat, l l do ti sao em ngi y, trang Ti bit anh ca em, ti bit chnh xc gia nh em nh th no." Ngay khi bn c nhn thc v ai , bn tm kim bng chng bin minh cho iu . H c nhng c im tuyt vi nhng bn khng nhn thy c. Nu bn l ngi lnh o i vi tt c nhng ngi ca mnh nhim v ca bn l phi vt qua thnh kin v khong cch tm cch lm vic vi tt c mi ngi. im tip theo rt quan trng. To cu ni quan h vi nhng ngi kh tnh. Bn thy y, thit lp mi quan h ging nh h thng k thc ngn hng vy. Bn phi th chp ci g c gi tr th mi c th mn tin c. Tht th v l, ngi duy nht m bn b tin vo chnh l nhng ngi bn thch. Cc bn i n tra chung vi nhau, ci a cng nhau, cc bn c im chung lm vic vi nhau, cc bn c nhng cuc ni chuyn ngn, cc bn giao tip vi nhau mi ni. Bn ci a cng nhau. Vi nhng ngi kh tnh, bn li n trnh. Nu bn nh hc cch lm vic vi nhng ngi kh tnh, th thch u tin ca bn l chc chn rng bn u t y thnh u vo khi bn bt u ng u vi h khi , h s t nim tin vo bn. Mt khi c nim tin, bn cng tng kh nng ca mnh trong vic xoay chuyn tnh cht ca mi quan h. iu cui cng, khng phi tt c nhng n lc u thnh cng. Thnh thong, mt s ngi s vn lun kh khn vi bn. l mt trong nhng l do ti tin rng khi lm vic vi nhng ngi thc s kh tinh th c mt phng n B l rt quan trng. Mt vi ngi thc s l khng th lm vic vi nhau c. Mi quan h kh khn n ni vic tip tc phi lm vic cng nhau khin cho ton i gp kh khn theo. l mt trong nhng l do m khi ti lm vic vi nhng ngi rt, rt kh tinh, ti s ngay lp tc to mi quan h ti nhng ngi cc phng ban khc trong cng cng ty. Lm vic vi nhng i c chc nng cho nhau. Bt u vic tm kim xem c cch

sometimes I may have to take responsibility to find a different place no chng ta c th song song lm vic vi nhng nhm khc. By gi within the organization that allows both of us to be effective. ti mun mi quan h phi c hiu qu. Nhng cng lc ti nhn ra thnh thong ti phi c trch nhim tm kim mt ni khc trong t chc m cho php c hai chng ti u tr nn hiu qu. Final thought, if everywhere you go you find difficult people, you may iu cui cng, Nu u bn cng thy nhng ngi kh tinh, c th be a difficult person. So there's always that element of instead of thinking bn cng l ngi kh tinh. V th lun lun c yu t l thay v ngh v about other people, we need to try and change. The only person you have ngi khc, chng ta cn phi c gng v thay i. Ngi duy nht m any control over is yourself and even that's in question on Mondays. Our bn phi i mt l chnh bn thn mnh v d cho iu nm trong cu responsibility is to be far more effective in building a relationship that hi ca ngy th Hai. Trch nhim ca chng ta l phi n lc hn na makes conflict work and helps us deal with those difficult people that can nhm xy dng mi quan h hu hiu c th gip chng ta gii quyt sap the energy and motivation of our entire team. Let's summarize the mu thun v lm vic tt vi nhng ngi kh tnh, nhng ngi c th key things we've learned. First of all, conflict has value. You don't want lm cn sinh kh v ng lc ca ton i. Hy tm tt li nhng iu ct to stop it. You want to capitalize on it. Talk to people instead of about yu va hc nh. Trc tin, mu thun c gi tr ca n. Bn khng cn them. Honor, surface and use resistance in conflict. Train your people to phi chm dt iu ny. Bn cn lm ch iu ny. Ni chuyn vi nhau come to you directly. Make sure that you're in a position where you use thay v ni v nhau. Trn trng, i mt v s dng phn khng trong issues as your focus instead of attacking the person. When you're going mu thun. Hun luyn cho nhn vin trao i trc tip vi bn. Bo m to confront, take the time to prepare a script and even be ready to practice rng bn lun v tr gii quyt nhng vn mnh quan tm thay v tn that with another person before you give the message. Finally, make sure cng ngi khc.Khi bn sp ng u, dnh thi gian chun b kch that instead of building enemies we're building bridges where we can bn v thm ch sn sng luyn tp vi ngi khc trc khi a ra thng build a kind of positive relationship that allows us to get beyond our ip ca mnh. Cui cng, bo m rng thay v to thm k th, chng biases and our differences to work well as a team. If you're a leader, you ta xy dng cu ni c th pht trin nhng mi quan h tt p manage all of your people. Always look for other options. Sometimes it cng lm vic tt trong nhm. Nu bn l lnh o, bn phi qun l ton doesn't work, and start with making sure that you're not a problem. I b nhn vin ca mnh. Lun lun xem xt cc gii php khc. Thnh think all of us have difficult people but we can do a lot more to make sure thong n khng c hiu qu v bn bt u r sot li bao am rng we turn them around by doing our part in making relationships work. bn khng phi l vn . Ti ngh tt c chng ta u gp nhng ngi Thank you for being part of our program today. kh tinh nhng chng ta c th lm c nhiu iu bo m rng chng ta xoay chuyn h bng cch lm cho cc mi quan h hiu qu. Cm n v tham d chng trnh hm nay.