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Wall Street Saves the World
By John F. McGowan
Version: 1.0Start Date: April 5, 2009Last Updated: April 5, 2009Home URL: http://www.jmcgowan.com/triumph.pdf 
 After months of undeserved vilification and demonization, Wall Street has saved the world.
The Wall Street He-Man (dancing a victory jig):
Yes! Yes! Yes!
The Average American:
What’s up?
The Wall Street He-Man (jumping up and down):
I am the best!I am the best!! I AM THE BEST!!!
The Average American:
Wow! You are excited! What is going on?
The Wall Street He-Man (doing cartwheels):
Yahoo! Wahoo!YAHOO! HOORAY! GO TEAM! GO TEAM! GO TEAM! YAHOO!
The Average American:
What is the good news?
The Wall Street He-Man (stopping and panting):
I (pant…pant)have scored a touchdown for the team! It is just like when I wasquarterback of the Princeton football team! I am the best! THE BEST!
The Average American:
What did you do?
The Wall Street He-Man:
I convinced the liberal sissy ObamaAdministration to absolutely guarantee one trillion dollars in loans tothe biggest and worst managed hedge funds in America to purchasevalueless mortgage backed securities from Wall Street banks thatwould otherwise go bankrupt! Wahoo! I am the best! I am the best!!I AM THE BEST!!! (pausing) Can you believe that?
The Average American:
Um, it is hard to believe. I sort of thoughtmaybe you cured cancer, ended poverty, you know something likethat?John F. McGowanPage
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April 5, 2009
 
Wall Street Saves the World 
The Wall Street He-Man (jumping up and down again)
: Not onlythat, but I convinced the liberal sissy Obama Administration to abolishmark to market accounting! Yahoo! Hooray! I am the best! I am thebest!! I AM THE BEST!!!
The Average American (puzzled):
What is mark to marketaccounting?
The Wall Street He-Man (stops jumping up and down):
Youdon’t know what mark to market accounting is?
The Average American:
I have a real job.
The Wall Street He-Man:
Mark to market accounting is a diabolicalliberal sissy plot against the free market economic system! And Ikilled it! Me! Me! Me! I am the best! I am the best!! I AM THEBEST!!!
The Average American:
But what is it?
The Wall Street He-Man:
Under the old discredited left-wing liberalsissy accounting rules, a company has to value assets at the price
set by the free market!
And I killed it! Me! The studliest he-man on WallStreet! Me! Me! Me!
The Average American:
I still don’t get it.
The Wall Street He-Man:
Well, say I have a CDO squared backed byone billion dollars in confusing adjustable rate mortgages made to firsttime poor minority homeowners suckered into buying an overpricedhome that they couldn’t afford in 2005.
The Average American:
Um…OK. I sort of follow that.
The Wall Street He-Man:
Well, today, the market says that CDOsquared is worth…nothing.
The Average American:
OK.
The Wall Street He-Man:
Mark to market accounting requires thecompany owning the CDO squared to value the CDO squared at …
nothing
! It is absolutely awful! Un-American! Communist! And Ikilled it! I killed it!! Me! Me! Me! I am the best! I am the best!! IJohn F. McGowanPage 2April 5, 2009
 
Wall Street Saves the World 
AM THE BEST!
The Average American (puzzled):
So…how does the companyowning the… CDO squared… value it now?
The Wall Street He-Man (smiling broadly):
They just make up anumber! Wahoo! I am the best! I am the best!! I AM THE BEST!!!
The Average American (incredulous):
They just make up anumber?
The Wall Street He-Man:
Well, it is a little more complicated thanthat. See Wall Street employs thousands of Ph.D. nerds who failed tosolve the outstanding problems in their fields. We have a lot of superstrings theorists for example!
The Average American:
Superstrings?
The Wall Street He-Man:
Yeah! Anyway, these nerds make upcomplicated mathematical models in Greek symbols that awe andintimidate gullible people like you and show that valueless securitiesare really valuable! Isn’t that great!
The Average American (scowling):
Hey! Just one minute! I didn’tbuy valueless mortgage backed securities! You did!
The Wall Street He-Man (frowning):
Yes, but I got the liberalsissy Obama Administration to let me value the mortgage backedsecurities at whatever value I want! (starts jumping up and down)Yahoo! I am the best! I am the best!! I AM THE BEST!!! ME! ME!ME!
The Average American:
Look, I don’t want to rain on your parade,but I don’t see why that is so great.
The Wall Street He-Man (still jumping up and down):
One trilliondollars! That’s trillion with a “T”! Can you believe that? I got theliberal sissy Obama Administration to guarantee one trillion dollars inloans to buy worthless mortgage backed securities from giant badlyrun banks! I am good! I am the best!! I AM THE BEST!!!
The Average American:
I’m not sure about that.
The Wall Street He-Man (stops jumping up and down):
Well,John F. McGowanPage 3April 5, 2009
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