Is Your Friend Adopting-What Not to Ask

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Is Your Friend Adopting?20 Things Not to Ask Aboutthe Birth Mom

by Lisa Copen

When a friend shares that she is adopting, whether this isher first child or an addition to her family, her choice toincrease her family in this way is very personal. Her heartmay be heavy with fears of the unknown; at the sametime, she may be more excited about the prospect of parenting than she had been for awhile. She may want to talk non-stop about the adoption procedure or she may be quietand not yet ready to open up about it.It's natural for you to have questions and be interested in how an adoption comestogether. You may be worried about her getting hurt. But don't allow these to be excusesto not respect her space. She will talk about what she is willing to in her own time.I've listed below some of the comments that adoptive moms hear frequently from friendsto strangers about their birth mom of their child or child-to-be. Regardless of theintentions behind the questions they all sting. You can be a wonderful friend by beingaware of some questions to avoid while your friend is on her own emotional roller coaster.[1] Why did she decide to give the child up for adoption?[2] Do you know if she smokes or takes drugs? Do you know how that can affect a baby?[3] I wonder how much she really drinks.[4] Has she had any prenatal care at all?[5] Does she have mental issues?[6] What does it say about someone who can give away her baby?[7] What if she wants her back?[8] Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?[9] Where is her family in this picture? I wonder why her parents won't just help her raisethe baby.

[10] Are you expected to just pay for all of the medical costs? I've heard stories where thegal never plans to give the baby up. She just gets everything paid for and then says shehad changed her mind and takes off.[11] If she actually wanted the baby back, how could you say no? She is, after all, the realmom.[12] If she gets pregnant again will she just assume you are willing to adopt that one too?[13] Aren't you terrified if she sees her she will want her back? I wouldn't agree to anyreunions.[14] How can she not want to see any pictures of her own child? How cold is it to justmove on with your life and forget the baby?[15] How sure are you that she is really being honest about what she shares?[16] What is her ethnicity? Did you ever wonder what her motive is in giving her child toyou?[17] Why is she giving up this baby when she kept the others?[18] I think an open adoption has got to be just torture on the birth mom. Don't you think it would be better for everyone if she just backed off?[19] Do you ever wonder if she is really being up front about her medical history?[20] What can you possibly tell your child about his birth mom some day that won't makehim feel bad?As the friend of a mom who is adopting you may have heard yourself actually say someof these things. Maybe some comments were on the tip of your tongue and you didn't saythem. Some remarks above may seem completely rude and you would never think of saying them. Most adoptive moms, however, have heard them all from different sources.I personally want to say thanks for being a caring friend and reading this article. Explainto your friend who is adopting, "I really care about you and am excited about your adoption. But I don't always know what okay to say or what may be tacky. Please let meknow when I stick my foot in my mouth so I don't do it again." None of us are perfect friends, but it makes all the difference when we just care enough to be aware.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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