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February 6, 2009- commence PART 1- Old Habits Die Hard Change my style, Change my life.Change can happen easily but can you change back?Chapter 1 I kept thinking, was there ever going to be someone for mewhen I grow up, is there a place for me. Will I be happy when I grow older? I really don’t know. I am sadly one of the few girlswho don’t dream of themselves in this big fantasy wedding if I ever thought of myself marrying. I felt afraid because not everyone finds a happy ending or a sunset in the wilderness. I want to behappy. I want a family, a loving husband, children who will lovebeing apart of the family and be a good people. I want so much, yet I don’t know if that will be my future.I want a good job, where I make more than enough to support my family. I want all of these things; but is it possible?Some persons get so lucky yet others have it extremely hard. I don’t have a clue who I truly am but I know I want to be happy. I want tocare for people; I want to feel love, belonging, stability, and people. I want everything life has to offer but I am afraid I ambeing too greedy. I sometimes feel I have to eliminate some inorder to get the others. The thing was which to keep and which to sacrifice.

Natasja wrote down everything she felt. It was hard,emotions she was trying to avoid, even from herself, just escapinginto the endless pages of her diary. Natasja didn’t know whatexactly prompted her to write about her future like that; maybe itwas Valentine’s Day and the fact that she was fourteen and didn’thave a boyfriend. It was awkward, everyone around her seemed tohave that special someone, and she had no one. Her life revolvedaround novels and without it, she was lost.Looking up into the ceiling of her room, book in hand; shecontemplated life. To her way of thinking, it was

could I have this,could I have that

, not

how could I get it

. She thought about all the

lovely things in life, all the things she didn’t have. Natasja didn’tthink of what she had, but instead what was out their, somewhere,waiting to be taken.Rolling over on her soft pink covered bed she opened her dark purple and black knapsack, searching for her Geographynotebook. Geography was her worst subject, always had been,even when she didn’t know she was doing it. Back then it wasSocial Studies which in high school Natasja realized were amixture of History and Geography. Normally, she would not have paid attention to Geo at all butScience was getting too deep into Geo with all the Rock andmineral crap and then soil. Reading all the notes she had botheredto take in class, she was able to break down the different rock groups by the way the rock was formed. Igneous was directlylinked to intrusive and extrusive, sedimentary was chemically,organic and something else that was illegible.Stretching over her book, Natasja searched her bag for a bubble gum; she couldn’t survive without chewing something.Popping a piece of the Bubblicious into her mouth she tried toconcentrate. By her bedtime she had successful read over all her notes on rocks and minerals. Tomorrow she decided that she wasgoing to make a date with the library to look up Earthquakes.Coming out of her miniature bedroom with its blue and whitestars, she went to get ready for bed. Natasja brushed her teeth twiceas carefully as was normal, she had been experiencing some painin one of her bottom teeth. Afterwards, she took a shower with her Suave blueberry body wash and went to her room, closing the door behind her. She didn’t wash her face because she had enzyme problems and she didn’t want to risk any rashes.In her room Natasja bent down over her bed with her handsclasped together. Thanking Jesus for everything he’d done for her that day, Natasja prayed he would continue to bless and guide and protect her family. Natasja prayed for Jamaica, for those withoutthe basic necessities and especially those without a loved one.

Getting up Natasja turned on her fan on medium, turned off thelights and wrapped up in the cover sheet.In dream world Natasja saw herself as a lawyer. She wassuccessful; people liked her for who she was even though she wasa little bitchy at times. A handsome guy with lovely eyes, theylooked gentle and intriguing, a confident attitude, romantic andkind spirited was head over heels in-love with her. They traveledtogether, he was successful and all that. They had a lovely home,lots of close friends, and three children and yet they were stillyoung. It was the perfect, ultimate dream in Natasja’s opinion andshe slept with a smile softening her face.The next day, her foster father woke her up at five o’clock inthe morning to get ready for school. Stretching her arms and legsin different directions and yawning, Natasja kicked and wiggledout of the sheets. Rolling out of bed she almost rolled her fan,which was beside her bed, over. Taking off her nightcap she threwit on her dresser and walked disoriented out of her bedroom door that was half filled with the iron board that Mrs. Sinclair wasusing. Her room was a danger zone with a lot of obstacles to pass before you were able to get out. Natasja got ready for another day of school at Broderick Academy. She brushed her teeth, ate two Kellogg’s chocolate chipswaffles, scrambled eggs and an orange, laid down while Nicole,her foster sister, took a quick bath and etc. Natasja daily routinewas long and tiring. She left the house at seven o’clock.The traffic was dreadful. The sun was out and shiningstraight into her face. Looking out the window Natasja looked atthe mountains that always seemed to be there. That was one of the best things about Jamaica, the mountains. It seemed like they, her father and her, were late because the traffic reached as far as theentrance of her community. By the time Natasja reached the tollway, she was in a trance, not awake but not asleep. “Tahj, lie downon the seat if you want to sleep.” Following commands as was her usual, she slept the rest of the journey through.