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A whole mess o' limericks

A whole mess o' limericks

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Published by Frank Feldman
Five and six-line limericks-bawdy, naughty, sexy, double entendre and pun-filled, clever, funny, yada yada yada.
Five and six-line limericks-bawdy, naughty, sexy, double entendre and pun-filled, clever, funny, yada yada yada.

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Published by: Frank Feldman on May 25, 2013
Copyright:Attribution Non-commercial

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12/06/2013

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LimericksFive-line limericks
There once was a couple neurotic,Whose marriage had ne’er been erotic,‘Though together they stayed,For the poison they madeRequired they be symbiotic.Most composers you might share a glass with,Attend opera or go hear a Mass with,Are really just boresBabbling on about scoresWhich are unfit to wipe off your ass with.Most composers I know have their guard on,Overthinking each piece that they start on.Unlike Wagners or Strausses,They live in glass houses,With nary a musical hard-on.The world is all mano a mano.If your real-life skills are scale-nano,Drink deep from youth’s cupAnd refuse to grow up-Become a professor of piano.
Six-line limericks
Professors in class often scour Young co-eds for hour upon hour.They like to assertThat no one gets hurt,At the same time pretending they’re not a pervertTo the lass they intend to deflower. Now that your options are closing,Perhaps you should take up composing.
 Limericks 4 printing, p. 1 of 17 pp.
 
When it’s players you seek,Try not to be meek,And be sure to bone up on your fav’rite techniqueOf sniveling, shameless brown-nosing.Do you know that old hag thin and bonyWhose music is tasteless and phony?That tired old henCan’t turn on any menAnd, in fact, there’s a rumor that even Sean PennWouldn’t go near Madonna Ciccone.There’s been many a painter anonymousWho’s drawn biblical scenes Deuteronomous-But there’s one view of HellWhich is rendered so wellAnd is so deeply weird that the viewer can tellIt’s the work of a Bosch named Heironymus.Can you name your most fave anti-hero?Whom you envy and/or would most fear-o?When you try to go figyaOr thru them go dig yaCan ne’er find a match for the Emp’ror Caligu-...la,Or even his runner-up, Nero.There’s a piece which is barked more than sung in,And which list’ning reveals all the dung in.Its pace paralyticDefies any criticTo endure endless hours of the anti-semiticWagnerian Ring Nibelungen.In the classical music arena,There’s one guy whose grass grows much greena.His life is hedonic,Sublimely symphonic-He gets to conduct the Berlin PhilharmonicAnd bangMagdalena Ko
ž
ená.
 Limericks 4 printing, p. 2 of 17 pp.
 
Bad films make my collar grow hotter,(And to boot, I’m a bit of a rotter).At one movie, for sport,I am pleased to report,I screamed at the screen and implored VoldemortTo kill that damned twit, Harry Potter.Your boyfriend is coarse and he’s tainted.He’s unlikely to ever be sainted.You want the scales tippedSo he follows your script-He wants you in stockings of mesh that are rippedAnd your constantly blabbing face painted.In the annals of follies of man,I wonder if anyone can,After thinking awhile, Name a book quite as vile,And as cribbed from its betters and lacking in styleAs the far less than holy Koran.Think hard on the sins you’ve committed,On the folks upon whom you have shitted.Just off the cuff,You’ll find more than enoughTreacherous, loathsome and other foul stuff To yourself you have never admitted.If it’s face time you’re setting your sights on,I request that you please leave your tights on.Don’t take all your clothes off,For nudity throws off The way that your bra and your hosiery shows off The good parts, when we leave the lights on.Anastasia was easily bed-able,Though her choices in men were regrettable.She used to be gladTo date guys like her Dad,Till her shrink fin’lly managed to make her feel bad
 Limericks 4 printing, p. 3 of 17 pp.

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