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Loco and Dissent

Loco and Dissent

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Published by AustinBureau
The Loco and Dissent calendar for the 83rd Texas Legislature, anonymously produced and distributed by the Quorum Report.
The Loco and Dissent calendar for the 83rd Texas Legislature, anonymously produced and distributed by the Quorum Report.

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Published by: AustinBureau on May 27, 2013
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CalendarSunday, May 26, 201312:01 A.M.************************************************************************ LOCAL, CONSENT, AND RESOLUTIONS CALENDAR ********THIRD READINGHR 1883 Raymond / Pickett / et al.Congratulating all you freshmen who attended the University ofTexas at A&M on filing bills this session that cut taxes, createjobs, secure the border, and provide more local control; nowstep aside and let the big dogs work.HR 44 The FreshmenObserving that, for the life of us, we cannot remember what made
us think that we were wise, and we’d never compromise.
 Amendment by the Redshirt FreshmenJust so we're clear, we're not with these dudes.HR Adios Strama / EilandRecognizing t
hat this job is a lot easier when you aren’t going
to run again.HR 36-24-36 S. Davis of HarassRecognizing that I'm always making a face that looks like Ismell a fart because I'm tired of being ogled.HR 41B FariasRecognizing February 22nd as Harlem Shake Day; honoring theirGlobetrotters.HR Desk 49 by KuempelCongratulating Ralph Sheffield on finally spitting out one
complete sentence from the Speaker’s chair by the end of
session; Griesel, you should be ashamed of yourself for puttingthat poor man through that, he looks like he leaves a puddleunder the
chair every time he heads back to his desk.HR 88 JohnsonCongratulating me for doing a better Royce West than Royce West.HR Hasbro Moody / Naishtat / Laubenberg
Putting Joe’s glasses, Elliott’s ties, Jodie’s (frequently
missing) shoes, and the hat left behind by Al Edwards on RyanGuillen to designate him the official Mr. Potato Head of Texas.HR 1992 Canales / Right Said FredCongratulating me because I'm a model, you know what I mean, andI do my little turn at the back mic, yeah on the back mic, yeahon the back mic, yeah, I do my little turn on the back mic.HR 2003 The Ardmore House DsCommemorating the 10th anniversary of our glorious revolution;recognizing us for sticking it to the Man when we were relevant.Amendment by Why-vonneThe only constructive thing Ds did this session was haze
freshman, and I can’t even take credit for that.
 HR 1st Place Raymond / Fallon
Recognizing “Wu’s on first?” as this year’s best hazing;
providing a consolation prize to the huge Canales poster; if it
hadn’t scared the crap out of us, you might’ve won.
 HR Parliamentary Inquiry HerreroRecognizing me as the most ungrateful of committee chairman whois never afraid to yell at the leadership from the back mic;chalk this one up as a self-inflicted wound, Mr. Speaker.
HR 80 HowardFormally apologizing to the 1980s for the theft of its hair.Amendment by AlvaradoDonna, you told me
people would dig my new ‘do!
 ********** POSTPONED BUSINESS **********UNTIL 12:41 A.M.SJR 1 WilliamsSP: PittsProposing a constitutional amendment providing for the voters totake the heat on raising revenue because the Tea Party will haveour asses in a sling if we do it ourselves.******** UNFINISHED BUSINESS ********LOCAL, CONSENT, AND RESOLUTIONS CALENDARTHIRD READINGHR Reading Rainbow BrunettieHonoring nurse anes-anes-
uh … an
-es-easy-estsAmendment by King of TaylorI don't even know what that means.Amendment by Blondie
No one knows what it means, but it's provocative …
 Amendment by King of TaylorNo it's not; it's gross
 Amendment by BlondieIt gets the people going!SB .45 Senate RepublicansSP: PickettRelating to openly carrying a high-capacity machine gun withextra clips on a preschool campus regardless of what the fedssay; extending an invitation to come and take it!SB 65° The DewRelating to the temperature of the Senate chamber being lowenough to chill the cold-blooded reptiles in the Capitol presscorps who fawned over Ted Cruz.SB 101 Beavers Campbell / De VilRelating to me having to wearing my woven beaver coat in theSenate chamber because the Sergeant-At-Arms made me leave myDalmatian puppy coat in my office.SB 141 HuffmanSP: S. Davis of HarrisRelating to the requirements for issuance of a license toRuth(less) Jones McClendon to kill all my bills.
Rep. Schaefer raises a point of order against furtherconsideration of this bill because it licenses somethingbetter handled by the free market. The point is
disrespectfully overruled because we’re sick of his act.
Amendment by McClendonLet's add a commission to investigate why Joan Huffman issuch a bitch and to provide me with a chair at the back micso I can lay waste to her agenda in comfort.SB 303 DeuellSP: King of TaylorRelating to Texas Right to Life executing an advance directiveon our bill; providing that they should remember the adage,
“Half a loaf is better than none.”
******** MAJOR STATE CALENDAR ********SENATE BILLSSECOND READINGSB 1 WilliamsSP: PittsRelating to, ain't nobody got time for public education.Amendment by DemocratsAin't nobody got time for water.Amendment by RepublicansWell, there is always money in the banana stand.Amendment by Tea PartyAin't nobody got time for us.*sad, head-hung Charlie Brown walk*SB 24 HinojosaSP: OliveiraRelating to the creation of a new university in South Texas;naming the
smallest restroom under the stairs to the janitor’scloset as “
El Baňo de Walle
 SB 346 SeligerSP: GerenRelating to white hoods, dark money, and the official re-classification of a certain political operative who likes toemail and tweet b.s. about our bill as a LOSER
so get the
WallStreet Journal
to print that, punk. (Damn. Never mind.)SB 484 Turner of HarrisRelating to going and telling it on the mountain
 —it’s hell to bepo’ in Texas, and yes, I said it exactly as I meant to!
 Amendment by Thompson of HarrisWhy are you doing what the Senate wants? Are you creatingmodern-day sex slaves?Amendment by House DemocratsIt's scary when mom and dad fight.SB 515 EltifeSP: Smith of HarrisRelating to neither of us ever having to pay for a malt liquor,ale, or beer at any brewpub in Texas ever again.SB 549 WilliamsSP: CarterRelating
to penalties for killing the Senate Finance Chairman’sbill, and if you keep asking me questions about it, I’m going to
call him over here to answer them because I only sponsored it
for the same reason you are going to vote for it … did I mention
this is C
hairman Williams’ bill?
 SB 791 SeligerSP: DarbyRegulating the low-level radioactive waste substances contained
in Lon Burnam’s moustache.
 SB 1700 TaylorRelating to the continued operation of the Steve MostynWindstorm Insurance Association.********** POSTPONED BUSINESS **********UNTIL 1:12 A.M.SJR 1 WilliamsSP: PittsProposing a constitutional amendment providing for the Tea Partymembers to pretend like they really matter in the House.

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